The Enemy In The Parking Lot

 In this episode of Doc Shock: Your Addiction Lifeguard, we talk about the relapse trigger nobody expects: the people who come strolling back in with a smile, a memory, and an invitation—“the enemy in the parking lot.” Doc breaks down why old using friends can time-travel you right back into the danger zone, and how clear, no-drama boundaries (block, delete, move on) are sometimes the most compassionate way to choose your life. 

Transcript

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It's time again for Doc Shock, your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jockey Burkert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard, the Addiction Recovery Podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. You know, I've talked many times about the uh problems of relapsing, but there's a different angle that I haven't really talked too much about, and that is what happens uh when you're encountering the feeling of relapsing, but um it's coming from a different outside source. So the idea that like most relapses don't start in a bar or a house or a bad neighborhood, they start in the parking lot. I'm gonna explain to you what that means. Um you get to a point in your recovery where you're pretty rock solid. You you feel it, right? The meetings are ending, they've ended, the therapy is ended, treatment is ended, and waiting outside is the enemy. Not with a weapon, but with a smile and a memory and an invitation, right? It usually comes in the form of a person. That's the problem. So recovery doesn't collapse from from your own weakness. Um, it it collapses from the proximity to the uh the people that you are around. It comes in that proximity. So today's episode is about people, it's not about the substances. So I don't care what your addiction is to. That literally could be anything for what we're gonna talk about today. So here we go. So the enemy in the parking lot. What does that really mean? Um these are not these are not strangers. These are not people that you've never met before. These are the familiar faces from when you were using your qu I'm using my finger quotes, your friends. The people who still use, they want you to use, and they miss the version of you who didn't challenge their denial in their usage, but it also is not the one that wanted to challenge you trying to get get high with them. That's who those people are. And they don't it's not that these people hate you. They don't hate you, they just want you to be the old b version of what you were, they hate your recovery and what it says about them and what it says about you, like your advancement in your recovery. Uh, you become a different person, and it it happens in many different ways. So using friends, the old using friends, there's they're really dangerous. And the idea that somehow you're gonna live with some people not in your life anymore is a reality. And anybody who's in recovery knows that. We all have people that we have had to say goodbye to. It's just inevitable, it's gonna happen. And when we say goodbye to them, um we feel like a part of us is missing. And I've seen in my clients this interesting paradoxical thinking where they might run into somebody that they that they knew um in a store, walking around, you know, at some social event or whatever. And it's kind of shocking and jarring to them because they're they're they're they're having a difficult time relating to the old self, right? There's a lot of shame attached, there's a lot of anger, resentment that they have for their old life and themselves, not just the people in it, but there they are. There's the person. And there's this association that goes on neurologically in your brain. Um, you're putting, you know, you're putting memories together, so you're putting the people and the memories and the substances all mixed together. And when you see them, it reactivates that emotional memory. And almost as quickly can can react uh your impulsivity comes back, and then your old identity. I've had this happen to me. Um people that I used to drink with, and it triggers this old thing that just it's so weird, it's just so out of your your everyday control. So the emotional time travel thing kind of kicks in, and you don't you don't just see them, you become who you were with them. So there's like the the idea of like the persona you had, the the things, you know. There's a there's a a movie called um I think it's called No, it's not Back to School. It's it's uh uh Will Farrell movie where he plays the character uh in the movie of Hank the Tank, and Hank is an old fraternity guy, and he moves into a house that's right next to a fraternity house, and he turns into the old Hank the Tank. Um crazy drunk guy. Uh, and that's what happens to him, and he's like 40-something odd years old, and he turns into Hank the Tank, and he's married, and his wife hates it. Um so the strength of your recovery really is based on the amount of safety you feel. But if you're a time traveler uh emotionally, your recovery strength drops before you even notice it. It can overwhelm you. And that's one of the problems that that the rec the that happens in recovery is you lose that strength. You can be, you know, five, ten, fifteen years sober, and in five seconds, your your relapse could be happening if the wrong people have access to you or you have access to them. And you have to keep that strength. So but the idea well, the idea that the strength is there, it is there, but the idea of you're strong enough now doesn't mean that you're immune. Strength isn't immunity. Um strength is something that you you feel to be able to withstand the times when those troubling times come back or those troubling people come back, the situations. Um, and you have to sometimes rely on other sources of strength because yours is not going to keep you immune from this reaction and becoming a time traveler and and you know, drifting off into chaos. So confidence without boundaries is kind of arrogant, right? I got this, I can withstand anything. No, you can't. Not you can't withstand anything. You do need help, you do need self-care, you do need the ability to um reach out for help when you need it. So relapse often follows with that overconfidence. And it's it's I've seen it in my office all the time. Somebody I could see them acting kind of cocky and arrogant in their recovery, and so they think they're impervious to any kind of damage, and they could not be more wrong, really. Um despair, sadness, you know, somebody dying, somebody something happened, something tragic happening. Of course, that causes relapses, but it's not despair that's the one that's sneaky and gets you um when you least expect it. It's that that overconfidence. Um so if you were truly strong enough, you wouldn't need to prove that you were strong enough. Um what's the saying? The loudest voice is the one that's usually wrong uh in an argument, and that's true, you know. Uh when I sp I spent a lot of time uh hanging around on the streets and being around some pretty rough people, and nobody was concerned about the loudmouth guy who was just you know spouting off all the time because he really wasn't a threat. He was gonna back down the instant he was confronted. It was the quiet guy in the back who wasn't saying anything. You could see it in his eyes. He had that that uh that Mike Tyson stare, and and that's the ones you really gotta be concerned about. And that's see that that that's what's waiting for you in the parking lot. That character. The one that's in your face, screaming and yelling, they're not really a threat, they're just annoying. So you gotta watch out for that one because that's the one that sneaks up on you, and that's where the arrogance can turn into uh relapse, that overconfidence. Um so the the the how we get to that point as addicts um is when we start lying to ourselves. Um I owe them an explanation with the people that you felt loyal to at one point, but now you have this guilt associated with the disconnect. You've distanced yourself from them, you've cut them off. Do you owe them an explanation? An explanation for what? That you are now in recovery and you know they don't look look, these are people that they were not looking out for your uh best interest, they weren't looking out for your welfare, they certainly weren't working looking out for your health. How many times have I had in my office uh uh an addict who was using some form of a powder or that you know they were injecting or snorting cocaine, crystal math, heroin, and one of their friends put some fentanyl in it or didn't really pay attention to what they were getting and it was laced with fentanyl and they overdosed. How many times have I heard from those people, you know, I feel bad because um I got clean and you know they didn't, or I, you know, I feel bad because they probably think I just cut them off uh because I'm better than them or something. And it's like I I hear that all the time. And you don't owe them an explanation, you don't owe them anything. Um people who become addicts, they lose a lot. Sometimes they lose everything, you know, up to the point of not losing their lives, but they lose everything. And so the other people who are in the same situation, they tend to gravitate towards each other. Um it's like a gravitational pull. And so they are there when you're at your worst. So the thinking of they were there when no one else was kind of creeps in. Yeah, they were there because they're in the same position. They're getting high, they're getting drunk, they're the ones who are losing everything, and they feel better when people are losing around them because it it it helps them avoid the thought that they've lost some things. So if yeah, they were there when no one else was, because no one else wants to be around those people. That doesn't mean you owe them anything. Um, I don't want to be rude, you know. They reached out to me and they said hi and they wanted to talk or whatever. So I don't want to be rude, I'm gonna talk to them. Yeah, but what is that gonna do? Like, are they reaching out to you because they are looking for specific advice on which rehab to go to? Yeah, maybe talk to that person. But hey, I just wanted to talk and say hi. You know, they're still getting high, they're still, you know, yeah. You're not being rude, you're trying to save yourself. You're protecting yourself with a simple, a simple single word effort. It's called boundaries. No is okay. No with a smile on your face is fine, it feels better. And then the last the last category that I could think of with this one was like, uh I I can st I can still help them. Yeah, no, you you know, listen, nobody nobody came to you and tried to help you because you're a hot mess. They weren't trying to help you. Just because you found your way out doesn't mean that they're gonna find their way out. And these are the people that want to destroy you. Now remember, I'm talking specifically about the people that are kind of hanging around in the parking lot trying to get you to come out and join them. Just, hey, come on out and talk to us, man. And they're getting high, they're getting drunk. You you're not gonna show up and help them because those people are not looking for help, just like you weren't looking for help at that point. If somebody calls you and says, Please help me, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the reverse of that. They're calling you because they're like, please join us. You you don't have you don't owe access to anyone to you at all. Even if they called for help, you you don't owe them any access to you. And explaining yourself keeps the door open. It keeps the door open. It's not you don't why are you explaining yourself to somebody? I don't get high, I don't get drunk anymore, and I need to tell you why. No, sometimes they will try to manipulate you. The enemy will come after you in a different way. The enemy will come after you with, hey man, you you abandoned me. And okay, no, I saved myself and got clean and sober. You should do the same. Like, I what do you want? I don't I don't understand. And you don't have to get agreement among people, you don't have to get agreement among people that you know, you don't have to get agreement among people that are part of that group. It's not a consensus building thing. Boundaries don't require any consensus. It's you saving yourself. And if they really want to follow that lead, they would look at you and say, Man, I I want what you have. Um, I really how did you do it? Like, how did you get clean? How did you get sober? Sometimes they can get there and they can make that that that breach that divide, and sometimes they can't. But again, is it going to risk your your uh sobriety engaging with them or getting you know your being clean? Is that is that are you risking that? Because your boundaries told you, hey, I need to get away from this person, and now they've gained access to you. They're you know, and when we're talking about people who have personality disorders, um like uh narcissistic personality disorder, you're giving them what you know, if you re-engage with the person after you've made the break and you put the boundary down, and then two or three years later you reach out to that person and say, Hey, I just want you to know you didn't do enough damage to me to destroy me, and I just want you to know that. What you're doing is you're giving that narcissist what we call narcissistic fuel. They've just now re-entered your life, and they're going to take advantage of that. Addicts are the same way a lot of times. You just re-entered their life, and now they're gonna work on you, and that's not a good place to be. So you don't set boundaries for people who understand your recovery. They understand it. You set them for people who don't. The people who don't want to agree with your sobriety. They need or want you to get high. Uh, one of my uncles was talking to me about his usage. He he plays, uh, he played in in rock bands, and everybody loves the guy on the stage, you know. And it was like he told me, yeah, man, they they all wanted to get high with me, and you know, they're offering me drugs, so why would I not do that? Like, it's party time. The boundary was that the the the problem he had was he didn't have boundaries, he didn't set boundaries, and those people don't understand it. And he had to he had to cut his whole life off that was the previous life that had been for 20 plus years or longer, 30 years, music and playing rock in rock bands on stages live with people, and he was a very talented musician, still is. Um he he had he couldn't, you know, the boundary was I'm out, like I'm not gonna be around those people anymore. So the idea that you're setting boundaries for people who understand uh is is wrong. You're not setting boundaries for them. Those are the ones in the rooms, those are the ones that are in the meetings, there are those those are the ones that are also clean and sober. You set them for the boundary, you set boundaries for the people who don't understand. So if you were to um figure out a way to somehow apply the idea of like the the lifeguarding rule, right? So that you don't let people drown. Sorry, you don't let drowning people grab them. Lifeguards don't do that. You put distance between you and the and the person that's in the water because you're trying to assess what's going on and you're trying to keep yourself safe. So it's not cruelty, it's it's survival. It's your survival, it's their survival. Cutting contact doesn't equal a lack of compassion. It's choosing life. You know, you're choosing oxygen before the rescue. So cutting contact is compassion for yourself, but it's not a lack of compassion for anybody else. You you what's the what's the saying? You can't save someone from drowning if you let them pull you under, you know, put the put the mask on yourself before putting an oxygen mask on another person on an airplane. Because if you die before you help them or you die them in the process of helping them, either way, you're dead. So what does cutting someone off actually look like? Um, what I have my clients do is in my presence, I say, get on your phone, you know, if you've got a dealer or two or three or four or whatever, people that you know will sell you drugs, or if you've got people that are your get high buddies, I say, okay, go on your phone, pull them up in your address book. I want you to, um, we're gonna clean your phone of these people. So I want you to to block them. Okay, they block them. And I say, okay, now I want you to delete them. Because if you block them and then you delete them, they can't reach you, you can't reach them. And then you got to go into the the uh the text messages, and you got to delete the text messages from those people. If they have email addresses or they've got other means to reach out to you, whether it's through X or um in any any social media format, you gotta block them there too. And we go through their phones and we we do it. Sometimes it's just there's so many of them. Um, I end up having the person like get rid of the phone, get it go to a different provider, get a different number. Um, get a different phone. Your phone's contaminated. It's poison. Uh, and there's so much poison in it, we can't save it. And so just get a new phone number. And don't put a forwarding thing on it, just get a new phone number. So clean clean breaks, uh they fade over time. Um, you don't when you see the person, if you see them, you don't have to debate with them. You don't have to give them a long speech. There's no checking in. Um hey, I'm checking in on you. There's no checking in. No, no, you do not have to explain yourself. Over-explanation is a problem. You you that's back to the you owe them something. You don't owe anybody anything. So you don't have to do that. There's no checking in on the person or them checking in on you. That's why I have people delete or or block and then delete so that they can't reach them and you can't reach them. Uh they can't reach you, you can't reach them. But what do you what do you say? You know, I'm focusing on my own recovery and I can't stay in contact with you. Sorry. Um something like that. That's pretty quick, simple, right? Um I just listen, man, I'm I'm not available to you anymore. Sorry. Um silence is a boundary, right? Uh, you don't have to respond to any form of communication from that person. Ever. And sometimes that's hard to do. I know, because I've had to do it myself, and I've also had my clients have to do that as well. And it helps if you have a therapist helping you with that, um, frankly, because you can work through your issues of grief and loss of the relationships and what they meant to you, and you can work through that. You can also work through the feeling of regret and remorse that you might have that's misplaced, um, with you owing them something by you know, that's that uh that sadness and that that grief that you're gonna feel in the loss of the relationship. Um you're gonna f it feels feels very lonely at first. Frankly, it does. That's growth. Uh you know, being alone, yeah, you might, because pretty much you might get to the point in your life where everybody else has just kind of left you behind. They've abandoned you because you're so chaotic and crazy. So you don't really have any good, healthy relationships left. All you've got is this handful of get high buddies and just you know, dealers and people that are going to drag you down. So it feels lonely at first, but growth always costs relationships. Um but relapse costs everything, doesn't it? Right? You so you're gonna lose some relationships because that's growth. But relapse, you're gonna lose even more. So Relapses is is gonna kill you, most likely. Loneliness won't. Loneliness changes, especially when you start to formulate um new friendships, new relationships with people. And um so feeling confident in in the change, it takes time. I keep saying this in my podcasts, I I preach this all the time to people. It takes about a year and a half to two years to get clean and sober, and during that time, you're gonna realize how many relationships you had were very destructive and and um not helpful in your life, and in that time they're gonna disappear. And that's fine. But that means that it's gonna cost you that change, that growth is gonna cost you in those relationships. But they were destructive anyway. So if you run into somebody who wants access to the old you, they're not rooting for you that's the healed you. They're not. What they're looking for is they want the old you, the one that was the get high buddy. That's what they want. And that's not up for negotiation, you know. I have had instances where people have been working on the recovery, they get into recovery, and then they find out that some old friend of theirs is in recovery. They might bump into them in a meeting, for example. And it's like, hey, and it's like it's really interesting the reaction, because it's like, you know, they're trying to figure out quickly when you see them in the room, like, how far into your program are you? Like, are you safe? Um, which is good because that's caution. But it's it's it's a pleasant, wonderful surprise to see somebody that is in recovery that was as bad as you or worse than you or the same as you, uh uh in in your usage, and you get to see them in recovery. And uh sometimes those relationships can can be strong and be there, and other times they end up not being there because you both have changed so much. But you have to you have to choose who gets access to you. Only people that are supporting your recovery are participating in recovery, or loving you in some way that doesn't include anything about getting high. So you get to choose who walks with you, you get to choose who gets access to you, and you must exercise that choice because you get to choose your life over them, and that's uh that's exactly what you should be doing in your recovery. Rock solid in your recovery because you set boundaries and you have limits and you want to make sure that you're maintaining those, but through those relationships, you gotta stay away from the people in the parking lot there and look out for them because they're gonna get you. Um hanging out with people, that's not innocent, it's gonna lead to something. You you the the connection between the person, the the experience, and the substance is very, very strong and very well ingrained in you. I still remember the people that I used to get really drunk with and party with when I was in my 20s, and I'm in my 60s, and I still remember them, um, even in my teens. And it makes me cringe now when I think about the things that I did, and it's nothing to be proud of. Um, and any addict will understand that. But, you know, I still have those, and I and I still, it's so weird. I I feel I feel that substance in my body when I'm thinking about them strongly. It's like, wow, this is so strange. The the neural the neurological science around that connection between those sensations or those memories can be very powerful. So choose the people you're gonna be with, choose who you give access to, choose how you're going to engage in in uh with who and what and how, so you can choose life. It's an important thing. That's this edition of Doc Shock Your Addiction Life Guard podcasts. Listen, man, if you're looking for help, if you're tired of getting high and being wasted, that's fine. Go get help, talk to a counselor, go to rehab, go to some meetings, get in the room, and start learning the 12 steps. Start working this step. Do something. Don't save your addiction by ending your life. That's insanity. And if you like this podcast, please like, subscribe, recommend to a friend, listenership, it's always appreciated. Any comments you have, you can send to me through the podcast platform you're looking at, and get some help. So, this is Dr. Addiction Life Guard, saying until next time, see ya.