Sobriety Doesn't Fix Character

 Sobriety is a powerful first step—but it doesn’t magically fix character. In this episode, I break down the hard truth that stopping the substance doesn’t automatically change the patterns underneath it. We’re talking about honesty, accountability, and what real recovery actually looks like—for both the person struggling and the family watching and wondering why things still feel off. If you’ve ever thought, “They’re sober… so why is nothing really better?”—this one’s for you. 

Transcript

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It's time again for Doc Shock, your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. I am Dr. Jacques DeBruckert, a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist. If you are suffering from addiction, misery, trauma, whatever it is, I'm here to help. If you're in search of help to try to get your life back together, join me here at Doc Shock Your Addiction Life Guard, the Addiction Recovery Podcast. I wanted to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for. It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room, or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a podcast. It's for entertainment and information only. So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. Yeah, today I'm gonna talk to you about something that some people might agree with and others might not. But I'm gonna talk about it anyway. Just because someone stops using doesn't mean that they've started to change. And when you stop using, you do actually uh change some things, but you're not gonna start changing just because you stopped. So a lot of times, like for example, the people around you they'll think, well, you you got sober, so everything will be okay. And that's really not how it works. Sobriety is necessary, but it's not sufficient for change. And that's today's topic. The idea of sobriety versus character change. So if we were to really get into it, um let's let's do a simple definition for you. Okay, sobriety or clean, if you're if it's drugs, alcohol sobriety. That's the removal of the substance. Sobriety is something that is more about the physical act of usage for me and and the way I think of it, it's more about the physical act of using it. And um, so when somebody says they're sober, that means that they've stopped consuming alcohol. But sobriety is not something that uh changes everything, right? Getting clean is the same thing. I'm clean, meaning I'm not using the chemical substance, it's not dragging me down, I don't have that dependency thing going on. But character, character is different. See, when when character change occurs, you're you're looking at patterns of honesty and accountability, humility, empathy. So you can remove the chemical without removing the chaos, and that's what happens a lot of times is the chaos starts ramping up, in particular when the chemical is not there. And it gets very confusing to both addicts and families. So let me let me cover why this confuses families. There's an expectation gap. Um, if you're if you're an addict and you get sober, uh you you think uh you know, I've I'm I'm dealing with my problems a different way. But the family thinks, well, they're sober, so why are they still lying and manipulating and angry? But as an addict, you understand that nothing's really changed as far as the real problem. And this is where the the mismatch is because a lot of times people think the problem is the use of chemicals, and they don't really understand or they've lost sight of the fact that the use of chemicals is the coping mechanism for the problem. So addiction masks character issues. But a lot of times and most times I'm going to say it didn't create them all. Um it didn't. So the the idea that I have, you know, it's similar to like, I don't know, if you're a lifeguard and somebody's drowning, pulling someone out of the water doesn't teach them how to swim, and that's kind of where it's at with recovery. Recovery is trying to stop using the chemical as a dependency uh for coping with a problem, but it doesn't solve the problems. So there's three layers of recovery as I see it. There's the first layer, which is physical sobriety, so you got detoxing and abstinence, and you you pretty much get an immediate improvement uh overall because you you're gonna be living a better life. You know, you're you're not sick all the time, your body's not dying, you're not killing it with with poisons and chemicals, so you get an immediate improvement. Um, but it's pretty fragile. Uh the second layer is the emotional sobriety. And that is that happens after you've been able to kind of stabilize the physical part of it. You're learning how to tolerate feelings without escaping, and that's often where people stall. They they don't they just can't get to that place, or they can't get beyond that place. The third layer is character transformation, and that's when you start owning your behavior patterns. Um you start practicing honesty when it costs something. Responsibility without excuses, you know, I'm constantly giving out excuses for what I'm doing. There is no excuse, it's just yes, I did that. Consistency. The consistency over time, not just immediate consistency, a short term, like a day or two. But it goes on for weeks, right? You start showing up, you start doing what you're saying you're gonna do. That's the character transformation phase. But if you're stuck in the emotional sobriety, you you you're kind of learning how to tolerate your feelings without escaping through the use of chemicals or um you know, whatever it is, gambling, shopping, or whatever. But when you get stalled out there, you can't get to the transformation change of character. And so there's there's an order of those things. And I see it over and over and over with my clients. The so what what does it look like when you don't have that character change? Well, character. That's the essence of who you are, right? It's it's how you conduct yourself. Are you still blaming other people? Are you still manipulating the outcomes? Are you um are you still are you still avoiding responsibility? Uh is there entitlement still in your life? These are it's funny because those those things, I don't know how I just named four or five of them. Character, character traits, character changes. In order to be sober and clean and free, you have to have character change. And we talk about that in the in the rooms, in the AA model. Uh, we're really looking at character change. That's why we go through step four and step five, the revealing of yourself to yourself and to another person in the God, the nature and extent of those character defects. And we talk about those. We talk about character defects, we label them that. And arrogance is the one that's that tool, man. And you start blaming people and you're avoiding responsibilities, pushing things off, manipulating people or outcomes, and and it's that entitlement, right? That's that's the essence of it. The dry drunk concept. That's that's something we talk about in recovery too. Like somebody who's they're they're sober, but they're still kind of conducting themselves like they're drunk, but they're not, they're not drinking. So the substance is gone, but the system is the same, the way that they conduct themselves. And if you are in recovery, but you're still having this chaotic existence, then you're gonna get kind of stuck. And again, I'm gonna go back to you kind of stall out in that in that second, that emotional sobriety phase. So why does this why does this happen? Why why is this going on? Sobriety sobriety is an external behavior change. You're not bending your elbow towards your face, you know, you're not ingesting chemicals. And that's an easy one, really. I mean, if you're comparing the two of like, you know, the behavior of addiction versus character change, obviously behavior change is much easier than character change, because character change is internal. And the way I talk about it in my practice is that um I talk about sobriety, if I use the term sobriety, sobriety is something that happens from the inside and moves out, it's not from the outside. Now I know that kind of contradicts what I just said about it's an external change, but the external change, the the desire to uh suddenly start taking on these things that are problematic for you in what you're experiencing, that's an internal decision. It's an internal thought. I can't keep doing this. So that internal change then starts moving out towards the external behavior. Character change is that internal work. And it requires a lot of effort. You got to get into therapy, you got to have accountability structures around you, there's spiritual and value-based surrender and change that occurs. And if you're not getting that, if you're not getting that support, it's not going to work. So, therapy, especially if especially it's trauma-informed therapy in particular, you got to get with the therapist who understands addiction. And by understanding addiction, I mean they understand that it is a coping mechanism for the problem. Most therapists that I talk to who are not well informed about addiction, they only focus on the behavior. And as soon as the person they can get the person to stop taking the drug of choice, they think the job is done. And they don't realize that that's just really the beginning of the job because the stabilization allows the person to then be workable in therapy. So you got to get therapy, accountability structures, what is that? That is getting in the rooms, working with the sponsor, having peers, peers being people who are in recovery. And then also being accountable, and this one is this one's tough, man. If you're if you're in a relationship and you've really abused the relationship, your partner is not going to trust you. So to rebuild that trust. So things like drug testing in relationships, drug testing, breathalyzers, things like that, where you can you can assure the person that you're with, hey, I am still clean, I am still sober. Here, I'm happy to show you. I'll happily breathe into that, I'll blow into that breathalyzer. I'll pee in that cup. You know, you can watch me do it, and I'm I'm gonna be happy that I can show you. The spiritual and the value-based surrender. I am surrendering to recovery. I'm surrendering to a higher power. That's a whole, and I've done multiple podcasts on this, and that is a pr that that is a topic in and of itself. But the idea of spiritual surrender, I'm giving up my my resistance, my arrogance, my temptations, my right. So go through my other podcasts and you can hear about the this the spiritual surrender. I don't want to go too much time on that one in this podcast. But the the the resistance that happens. Um, I stopped using what more do you want from me? You know, well, they want everything. They want that character change. Honestly, that's what they want. So if you're in recovery, sobriety is the starting line. All right. This is this is a long journey. It's not the finish line. You you haven't you've reached a milestone with sobriety or getting clean. You absolutely have. And we recognize that in the rooms, right? That's why we give you the one-year chip and the five-year chip and the ten-year chip and the twenty-year chip. We give those chips because it but sobriety is where you start the change of character. So it's not the finish line. It's it's literally, it's kind of like I always think of it as like when somebody, if I go to a one-year chip celebration meeting, when the person gets the chip and I get it and I pray over it, I'm like, please, God, let them understand this is the starting point for their recovery. I say that over every chip that I get. Please, God, let them know this is the starting point of their recovery. You know, um, it's awesome when they get there, but that's when the real work begins, that second year of sobriety. Growth requires discomfort, and they're gonna be really uncomfortable at that point. So you don't don't you don't just stop doing things, you start becoming something different. And if you're not changing, you're just waiting to relapse in a different form. I promise you that's gonna happen. And we talk about that in the rooms too, and you'll learn about that if you go. So you gotta go. Get in your get it, get with your peers, man. The people who have gone through this. I'm gonna switch gears a little bit here. So if you and and people who are in recovery, they also um a lot of times get very confused about recovery for someone else in their family, the addict who's in recovery can can fall into these same traps when it comes to recovery of a loved one. So let me let me give a message to the families. You you gotta understand there's confusion and frustration about what you're seeing. One, because you're not going through it, you're just experiencing it in front of you. Sobriety does not equal trust restored, okay? Sobriety doesn't mean you're gonna trust the person. The boundaries that you have they have to be based on behavior, not sobriety status. So you gotta make sure you have boundaries around things that are realistic and and and true to what really needs you know is happening. So don't mistake breathing for healing, don't mistake non-usage for healing. The healing that you get from non-usage is physical. It literally is just physical, spiritual, emotionally, mentally, that's a different thing. So you you need to understand what you're looking at and and what you're looking for. So this this what I what I try to teach people is you need to see consistent honesty, even when it's painful. And I know I've got real growth in somebody that's in recovery. When they start telling me things in an honest way, they don't hide things, they don't you're not polishing the turd, you're just being open and honest. And and I can tell, I can tell when they're doing it, because I, you know, I've I've seen them when they're at the worst, and now I'm starting to see them when they're getting towards their best. And and to do that, you really have to own things, but you have to own them without defensiveness. So did I lie last week to my wife about such and such, or did I tell my husband that I wasn't going to do this and then I did it anyway? Yeah, I did, right? I own that. And I'm not being defensive, I'm just honest. And again, I can hear this when I hear my clients saying it to me. The other thing is the follow-through. The follow-through over time, not just in the in the immediacy. The follow-through over time. So are are you actually going to go to meetings? Are you actually I gave you a book to read? Did you actually read it? I read the books that I tell my clients to read, and when they tell me that they read them and we start talking about them, I know immediately if they're not telling me the truth. But it's like follow-through. Did you actually, you know, do the things I said about cutting people off that are your get high buddies or you know, follow-through over time. Are you are you going to meetings? Are you reading? Are you studying? Are you connecting with people? Are you doing things, right? But the other part of this then is if they make the mistake, do you know the willingness that they have to be corrected? Now, I know in in my office it's an artificial environment for them. They know that you know there's no real consequence. It's not like I'm going to kick them out the door if they're not doing what I'm telling them, but the willingness to be corrected on that is something. And so the defensiveness goes down, and I I see it. I know that when I have families that come in, I have a client who's an addict and they say, Hey, you know, I'd like to have my spouse or my you know, my parents or whatever. I'm like, Yeah, no, bring them in. Bring them in. They need to come in. Groups get sober, individuals don't. Families heal, individuals within the family, they don't heal by themselves. So the willingness to be corrected is something that I I get to witness when the person's in recovery. And it's so it's so great to see because there's this calm, compassionate way that they they conduct themselves in that family, even though they're the ones that were the chaos bringers. Um so that and then that goes into the repairing, right? So if you've done something wrong, um repairing the harm, and it includes not apologizing for it. That's not the repair. The repair is in the other things, feeling connected to people, and depending on your attachment style, you know, you may have this chaotic attachment style, or you may have a very calm attachment style, but when you know, that's that gets disrupted in addiction, the attachment and the ability to attach. And so repairing harm a lot of times is about reattaching to your loved ones. Um so I lately I've seen um I've had some long-term clients who have um not done well, and they they still have an issue with character, they have an issue with um their their relationships, and there's a there's an im there's a pr there's a problem when somebody stops drinking. They can get I I wanna I hate to use the term lazy, they're not lazy people, it's just that they get lazy in their recovery. They think, oh, I've reached a point where I'm I'm clean or sober, so now the work is done. And they're still burning through their relationships. And that's a problem, and that's what I've seen in the last couple of months, I guess. Um I've seen that. And, you know, the hard part about recovery is picking up new coping mechanisms. Connectivity with people is a problem for people who are addicts because they become outcasts, they feel like they're outcasts, they conduct themselves like they're outcasts, and so then they tend to move away. The the the issue that happens a lot of times with my clients, and it's painful to watch, is that there was a relationship and it got destroyed, and they can't repair the relationship. It's just not repairable, and that falls in line with hey, I want you to know that what I did to you was really wrong, and I you know, I hope you can extend some forgiveness to me. And they don't. And it's painful. Um, but that can be a turning point for people when that shows that there are some character patterns that they need to change. And you might lose relationships along the way. It's just kind of part of the deal. Um in order to do that, there has to be this transformation, which is different than behavior management. Behavior management can help exhibit a change, uh, it can help demonstrate it. So I no longer have a short temper, I no longer am yelling at people, I'm not, you know, lying to people. I mean, okay, that's you know, those are behaviors. But the transformation is different. There's a surrendering of self-will that occurs. When we turn ourselves over, and you know, if you're a Christian, you're turning yourself over to God. Well, what does that mean? That means that you're going to allow yourself to be honest, open, and accept forgiveness. And that's the part that people get stuck on a lot of times, is accepting of forgiveness. They think that whatever they did is so bad that it can't be forgiven. And a bigger lie has never been told. You're you are already forgiven. And the surrendering of your self-will means that you're becoming aligned with your faith, you're aligned with your moral code. Transformation requires that. It's not something that just is about behavior management. I'm not gonna lie anymore. Is not the same as I understand that lying is really bad, and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do it anymore, but I understand how bad that is. That's you know, behavior management would be I'm just not gonna lie anymore. But you still have a liar's heart, you know, and what we talk about in our faith is like look at my heart. Look at my heart and see what my heart says. Now that doesn't mean go out and be the worst person possible and then say, look at my heart, because you know, they're there it's not the same. So d becoming aligned, not just abstinent. So the transformation is where you've gotta move towards to get into that full recovery and peace. Because I think there's addiction, there's abstinence, then you move to sobriety, and you move from sobriety to peace. Abstinence is great because it's gonna keep you out of jail, it'll keep you from harming people, I understand that, but you want to move towards sobriety, but sobriety is about not using the chemical and losing some of that dependency on it emotionally as well. Peace is I don't even think about the drug, and I don't really want that. That was a different part of my life, it's something I'm looking back on, and it's not me. So sobriety is the doorway to get there. But character is the house you build after you walk through that door. And and it's important that you be able to make that transition. You can be sober and still be very sick, or you can be sober and start getting well. Those are two very different paths. And when you're when you're making that transition, you'll feel it. You will definitely feel it. Being vulnerable, being accused of things, doesn't even enter into being vulnerable anymore. It's just I am, yes, I lied to you. Yes, and you might have to go back to the person that you lied to and say it over and over again. Yeah, I'm I'm really sorry that I did that to you. Because they still people really want to trust you and they want to believe in you, but they can't until they witness it and they see consistency, and that's the important part, is the consistency. So, are you responding to sobriety or to behavior? That's kind of what it's about. Well, that's it for this edition of Doc Chuck Your Addiction Life Guard. Hey, if you like this podcast, please subscribe, like the podcast, and suggest the podcast to your friends. I really enjoy having people listen to the podcast, and there are people that are consistently listening, and I really appreciate that. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. Listen, if you need help, go get help. If you want, you can reach out to me, and I can get help for you. Or I can help you myself. Depends on what you're looking for. If not, go to meetings, go to rehab, do something. Don't just end your life because you're trying to save your your addiction. That's crazy. So don't do that. So until next time, this is Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard, saying see ya.