Why The 12 Steps Are Important

In this episode of Doc Jacques: Your Addiction Lifeguard, we talk about why stopping drugs or alcohol is only the beginning of recovery. I break down why the 12 Steps matter early in sobriety, why people resist the work, and how addiction survives through isolation, secrecy, and dishonesty.

Recovery is more than abstinence. It’s rebuilding the person underneath the addiction.

Transcript

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This is Doc Jock, your addiction lifeguard. And if you're here, you already know that addiction is brutal, recovery is hard, and the road between them is longer than anybody tells you. I'm Dr. Jock D. Brucker, a licensed professional counselor and addiction specialist, and this podcast exists for one reason: to walk that road with you. No sugar coating, no magic pills, just the truth about what recovery really looks like. Quick note: this show is for information and entertainment only, not professional treatment. A real human being is. Now let's get to it.com website. It's up and running, and uh it's your portal to me. So if you want to communicate with me, reach out through that website. Docjoc.com. Today on the DocShock podcast, we're gonna talk about the 12 steps. You know, one of the biggest mistakes people make early in recovery is thinking that stopping the substance means starting recovery. It doesn't. It means you stop using. Recovery is what starts after that. What you've entered into at that point is called abstinence. So let's just keep an idea here about what we're talking about. The twelve steps are structure. The twelve steps are the foundation of the beginnings of those changes where you're actually formally walking through a process. When you stop using, all you've done is just stopped using. You're not actually doing anything at that point. You're just not using. So you need structure. And that's why this twelve the twelve steps matter. It's not because they're magic, not because they instantly fix your life, and not because sitting in a church basement drinking cold bad coffee somehow cures addiction. It doesn't. It really doesn't. You're just in a room with people. But the steps matter because addiction is bigger than the chemical. You know, we I I heard Jordan Peterson describe that the only way that you can actually truly find a change towards recovery, the only way you can truly recover is through a spiritual change, a spiritual transformation, and I believe that to be true. Because the chemical was the coping mechanism. It wasn't anything other than that. The steps are about rebuilding the person underneath it. And so that's what you've got to do. Rebuild that person underneath the coping mechanism. Most people think that sobriety should immediately make you feel better. And it doesn't. It doesn't make you feel better. Listen, when you remove the substance, you've just now removed the anesthetic. Now all that pain, that shame, fear, anger, trauma, insecurity, all of that starts waking up and coming back, and it's gonna come back really strong. And that's why people end up relapsing as they collapse under the weight of that change. So when when you start to abstain, that's when the pain creeps back in. People think something is wrong because they feel worse after getting sober. No, they're actually feeling pretty normal. They're so used to not feeling normal. They've got emotional dysregulation, boredom, restlessness, shame spirals, irritability, anxiety. That's all the things that happen when you stop. Because you've removed your co your coping mechanism. And this is exactly where people start avoiding the step work because they have to confront that. So what is it that people are looking for in recovery? And and many times I ask people who come into my office, what why are you here? Because I really want to know. Like, are you here because somebody's forcing you to, or are you here because you actually want to get better? And many times they'll say, Because some so-and-so told them to go, or the judge, or their wife, their husband, their boyfriend, girlfriend. So they want relief, but people often want relief without the honesty. They want the addiction to stop destroying their life, but they don't want to examine the life that fed the addiction. And that's what the twelve steps do. It it starts to put the structure around you. It's about taking an inventory and confessing and making you accountable and you have to surrender and making amends. Those are all what the steps do. Because each step is moving progressively towards that. The steps force you to stop hiding. You have to be authentic, you have to be real, you have to be really you. And that's what happens when you begin the step work. Isolation is addiction's best friend. Step work takes you out of isolation, it makes you do things in front of somebody who's going to bear witness for you. They're not doing the work, they're just asking you questions, they're walking you through the process. There's a couple things that addiction needs. Now remember, I've talked about this many times. The enemy wants you to become a victim. And the way to do that is kind of like the way that animals, predatory uh uh animals, apex predators, they move in packs usually. Sometimes they don't, cheetahs don't, lions do. They move in packs, and what they do is they try to isolate one of the animals from the herd, and they just focus on that one animal. And that's really what the enemy's doing to you. It's making it so that it can be you can be isolated. Because in isolation, you're defenseless, you don't have any allies, there's nobody there. So what isolation is addiction is best friend. I've said that so many times. That's my little catchphrase. Secrets protect addiction, and secrets can ha can only happen in isolation. Hidden shame, that's what fuels the relapse. But shame. Shame causes you to isolate. Confession disrupts self-deception. That self-deception about, hey, I'm not this, I'm not that. Yes, you are. And when you're working the steps, you're finding those things out. You're finding out what you really are. And it it yeah, it feels like you're you feel shameful when you say it. And that's what's really interesting when people they begin the 12 steps. When you get to step four, the fearless searching moral inventory of your character defects, they have to actually actually have to identify the things that um are the things they don't want to talk about, you know. I'm a liar, I'm a thief, I'm a deceiver, I'm an abuser, uh, you know, all the things that we talk about, those horrible things, that's when shame can kick back in. But when you're doing that in front of somebody who's actually done the same exact thing, they probably were the same exact kind of person as you, you're not saying anything out loud to them that they don't themselves have as a label at time in at times in their life. So you're doing it in front of somebody, and and that makes it much more comfortable when you feel that shame, but the person across from you that you're talking to about it has also felt that shame. So it's important to have the courage to take on those 12 steps. The resistance is usually emotional, it's not intellectual. Most addicts are not confused about recovery, they're scared about recovery. They're scared of the process, they're scared of what's next. Well, what do I have to be? I don't want to face the truth, right? The truth, but you if you understand the truth, the truth will set you free to paraphrase some uh scripture out of context, but that is true. They have a fear of accountability. Um I don't I don't want to have to face the stuff that I did to my spouse. I I don't I don't I'm I owe people money because I've borrowed money like crazy and I don't want to have to deal with that, so I'm just gonna get drunk, get high, that makes it all go away. They the accountability is the thing that draws you out of uh reality if you avoid it. Accountability puts you back in reality. And I don't know about you, but when I was at my worst, accountability was not a thing that was a driver for me. I was not necessarily destructive and irresponsible like many many of the addicts that I treat. I didn't I didn't go that direction, but I was destructive and I did avoid accountability because I just all I wanted to do was drink and get drunk. The fear of identity is another issue. You have built an entire identity around your usage. That's what happens when people become addicts. And and you've done this, I know if you're listening to this and you're an addict or in your recovery or you're not, you understand what that means. Like I am the thing. I I've noticed in um treatment, especially in residential treatment programs and detox centers, man, when when addicts come in, they have an incredible amount of flair. There's a lot of tattoos, there's a lot of wild-looking clothes, hairstyles, piercings, there's a lot of like that affect of identity, and it's all attached to the usage. They're sl, they're they're gritty, they're they're um they're counterculture, they're oppositional to what's going on around them. That's many times that's what I see. And when you stop using and you start moving into recovery, you've lost your identity. You have lost that need for that flair. All of a sudden you realize a lot of times, and I know you've if you're listening to this, you probably have done this when you've stopped using and you go into a treatment center, and you know, that all of a sudden the crazy makeup and the hair and the piercings and everything, that stays in place for a while. It usually lasts about a couple of days to a week, maybe a week and a half, and then and then it just becomes annoying to you and irritating, and you realize that nobody else around you is that way, and people come in and they they're scrubbing off the makeup, they're they're not doing the crazy gel hair stuff, and it's just kind of like you're starting to look like everybody else there, kind of relaxed and easygoing, and you're not as attached as much to your identity. If you're tatted up in your pierced, you're still gonna have those, but the rest of it starts to kind of go away. Which leads me to the next point vulnerability. Many times people are scared, they have a fear of vulnerability. Uh most addicts, in my experience, as a clinician, have been traumatized as children, where they feel like they've they've you know they have no power, they've lost agency, sexually abused, physically abused, emotionally abused, verbally abused, they've abandoned the five forms of big big trauma. And and so vulnerability means that you're at risk of being that again. Trusting of um authority, trusting people, trusting your sponsor, trusting your counselors, trusting the people in there. You you see a lot of almost paranoia level of concern about guardedness of identity and self and emotion. And so there's a fear of fear of vulnerability because if you're vulnerable, you could be hurt again. And that's that's the thing you've been trying to avoid. That's why you're getting high and drunk. Um, because you you don't want to be vulnerable, you want to be strong, and you feel like that makes you strong. Which then also can lead into that issue about the fear of losing control. Losing control is a big deal. I control everything. If I'm high and I'm drunk, it seems from the outside, when you see that person, you you think, wow, they've just lost it, you know. Um, maybe even it looks like you're very emotionally out of out of out of control. But as an addict, you feel like you have ultimate control because you're controlling everything around you. That fear of losing control is another one that keeps you from working the 12 steps. Because if if I really work the 12 steps honestly, then I can't keep pretending anymore. Is kind of what the thing that goes on in your head. Yeah. So what happens? Well, I've had clients that come into my office and say, I already know what my problems are. I love it when they say that. Because I'm like, really? And then I start talking to them, but then I noticed on the intake forms, on one of them I have an ACE test, and that's the uh which is a test that I administer that allows me in 10 questions to figure out what your uh chance of being an addict are. And I see when they fill that out, there's questions about abuse, um, emotional abuse, physical abuse, all these things that they're exposed to as a child, and they've checked off like six of the ten things, but then they already tell me what their problems are, but when they're describing them, they never mention any of that stuff. I'm like, oh, okay. Then, you know, you're you're you're going into these abusive relationships, you're constantly um, you know, lashing out at people. Um it's like if you know what your problems are, then why do you keep repeating them? That's crazy. Why do you do that? And this is why recovery starts becoming different from abstinence. The steps create structure around your recovery. The steps are not punishment, they are structure. They are the structure, they connect you to your reality. There's a there's an issue around discipline in your life, routine. Uh it's like you don't want that consistency. You're just consistently higher drunk, yeah. But I mean, as far as are you accountable? So there's no discipline around your life. That's why a lot of addicts that can't hold jobs, they they can't stay in relationships, they can't housing is a problem. You never know when they're gonna show up or not show up, whatever, right? So they're all over the place. There's no routine. This is why sponsorships and and and uh meetings and connectivity and consistency in the in the 12-step uh world we say you should do 90 meetings in 90 days. Now you think about it 90 90 meetings in 90 days automatically you've got discipline, routine, you got honesty, you got connection, you got a sponsor. Addiction creates chaos, but recovery requires structure. You can't have it any other way, really. A drowning person doesn't need more chaos. They need a lifeline. They need that that rescue ring, they need the lifeguard, they need something, they need that lifeline. The steps are not about becoming a religious robot, and that's a concern I've heard from people about the whole God thing, they have opposition to that. But the steps are about becoming emotionally honest human beings. That's really what it is. So if you got issues with God and you don't have you believe in God and that's your issue, that's fine. Then just ignore the God talk. If if that's what you're gonna do. But at least get the structure of the 12 steps. I don't think I there's not many people I know that go through the 12-step process that don't end up becoming very, very connected to an idea of faith, honestly. But hey, if that's your jam, I'd rather see you get clean and sober uh and and go that path and than not do it because of the God thing. Why early recovery needs other people is a big deal. Early recovery does need people. You need people. Recovery can't happen fully in isolation, it doesn't. And anybody who comes into my office and says, Yeah, I've I've uh I've been I've been sober for the last year. And like, do you go to meetings? No. Do you have a sponsor? No. Do you go to any recovery groups? No. Did you go to rehab? No. Did you go to detox? No. What did you do? Oh, I just uh I just stopped and I was healed. I'm like, yeah, you're just waiting to pick back up. It can't happen in isolation fully. You gotta have sponsors who help you. These are the people that are your peers who have walked this walk. They have gone through this process of recovery, they know what it's like. Now, I'm not gonna kid myself or try to convince you that the 12 steps are perfect. They're not. The execution of it is not perfect. It's it's inherently imperfect because the people who are in it and are doing this work are people who are in recovery. They're not trained therapists, they're not counselors, they're amateurs attempting to do some help for you because you need help. They've gone through a process and they were taught by their sponsor how to do it, and that sponsor was taught by their grand sponsor and their great grandsponsor and their great-great-grandsponsor and so on and so on and so on. This has been going on since 1934. So is it is it an imperfect process? Absolutely. But sponsors are gonna help. And if you have a sponsor and your sponsor is nearly not the perfect person for you, that's fine. Then you can get another sponsor and just move on. But you need a guide, you need a peer-level guide who's gone through this, has already executed it, they know what it looks like, they're gonna spot the lies, they're gonna not let you get squirrely, they're not gonna let you run away, they're gonna make you accountable. They are vital to the process. And and I have had people who have tried or convinced themselves that they could probably do the step work by themselves. You can't. It's not a self-help group, it's a mutual aid society form of help. But in that, you also need professional help. So you've got to get into therapy because it's not just about why you're drinking uh in the moment, it's about the why you're drinking at all. And a sponsor and the 12-step process and working the steps is gonna point out the things that trigger you into drinking about yourself. It's a search about it's a search of the inner person. But therapy is about trauma. Therapy, you need a trained trauma therapist if you're an addict, who helps you go through your trauma and heal from that. And that takes training, it takes understanding. You're only going to get that from a licensed professional. And frankly, a lot of licensed professionals are ill-equipped to do that. And I don't mean to disparage my colleagues, but there's a whole lot of therapists out there who are not good therapists, and they're not particularly good at trauma work. And that's fine. They got some other thing that they can do uh in therapy, some other specialization they can focus on. But you got to find somebody who's trained in trauma and you got to find somebody who has a combination of trauma training and addiction training. They understand addiction. That's kind of a rare thing, frankly. I I find not many of those. I find lots of people who are trained therapists, but not in those two areas. So you got to find somebody that does that. But part of the sponsorship thing is you've also got to be able to um to get into group accountability. If you go into the the rooms and you find out that um that, you know, you I'm I'm Jock, I'm an alcoholic. Hello, Jock. Okay, I've identified myself, and I go to that same group over and over and over again, and then when I disappear, the people in that group are going to be affected by that. It's going to affect them because they have now attached themselves to you, and it's going to affect their relationship with you and their understanding, and they know you need help because again, it's a peer group. They've already done the same things you've done. Nothing you're going to do in recovery is unique to you. I know everybody feels like they're unique. I'm the only person who's ever done this, and they're not going to know what this is. No, they've all done it, and they've probably done a lot of things you haven't even thought of yet. So the accountability part is if you disappear from a group, it affects them. It affects the way they think about themselves in recovery, but it also affects the way they think about you and they're concerned about you. So they're going to they're going to help find you and bring you back in. You're going to be the lost sheep at that point, and they're going to go out looking for you. Um it's about being witnessed. It's about being witnessed. It's about having the opportunity for somebody to say, I'm here. This, you know, we don't have crosstalk in meetings. So if you stand up and say something, nobody's going to say anything in response to it. But you're going to get that positive feeling. You're going to see people nodding their heads and, you know, they're going to pat you on the back. I've I've seen people, you know, they'll talk, they'll say something, and the person next to them reaches over and holds their hand because they know the person needs connectivity. They need that. And so you're going to be witnessed in those meetings. And that's really what step five is about. Uh saying out loud to yourself, to another person of God, the nature and extent of those character defects. That's where real recovery lives. So you have to say the things out loud. Not because God doesn't already know, not because your sponsor is perfect, but because addiction survives in secrecy. So here's what to think about if you don't do the work. You end up being a dry drunk. That's dry sobriety. And I've seen people stop drinking and become adverse. Absolutely miserable in that process. And it's kind of unfair to you as a recovery person or a person who's trying to work on recovery because you're you're not even halfway there, you're not even partway there, you're just kind of in this stationary stagnation point. You end up getting angry, you have resentment, you got emotional volatility. There's there's this bitterness that kind of creeps in, and you are at your highest risk of relapse. And I think one of the things that really drives that uh being a dried drunk is that sense of superiority, that you have it figured out because you just not consumed your drug of choice, and that makes you feel like you've got it, right? So we talk about um being sober, and that word gets used a lot, um, especially by people who are working on recovery or those people who have been attempting recovery, or even those who have the concept of recovery who are not addicts, but they talk about sobriety. And I I work really hard in my practice at correcting people and trying to teach them the difference between uh abstinence and sobriety. The the model I use, and I'm pointing my finger at myself, is um abstinence is up here in your head, and sobriety is in your heart. So you you're at that risk of relapse because you haven't you've just abstained. It's a head thing. It's not a heart thing. There's been no change in your heart. The substance was removed, but the person never changed. That's the issue. You don't change, you just remove the substance. What you've done is you've taken out the coping mechanism and it's now gone. Um you can quit drinking and still think like an addict. And that's the change that needs to happen. You need to change the way that you think. Recovery is reconstruction. It's it's rebuilding. It's changing you, but it's rebuilding. And that's why you have to have structure around it. You would never attempt to remodel a home, or even for that matter, try to build a home without some kind of construction plans. It would just look terrible. And it probably wouldn't stand, it wouldn't pass code uh on inspection, and and it would not be livable. You have to have a plan. The steps are not about punishment, they are the reconstruction. They are the plans, they are the guardrails, they are the the foundation that you're building this house on is through that idea of planned reconstruction. You are rebuilding your life, you're rebuilding trust, you're rebuilding honesty, you're rebuilding character, you're rebuilding your relationship with God, you're re you're rebuilding your relationship with yourself and with others. And you can't do that without real structured, planned work towards that. And none of that happens accidentally, it happens on purpose. So I'm gonna give you this challenge. If you're working on recovery and you're resisting the idea of doing some kind of structured work, like the step work, which I think is it's brilliant, honestly. If you're new to sobriety and you're avoiding the step work because you think you can outthink addiction, you are making a grave mistake. You cannot heal in hiding. Isolation is addiction's best friend, and not working the steps, not having a plan, not connecting with the community, that is all about hiding. That's isolation. You cannot recover while you're protecting dishonesty, lies, deception. That's what the enemy's got you doing, and it's and it feels empowering, but it is a lie. And you cannot build a different life using the exact same thinking that destroyed the last one. You can't. So go on, get that work done. Look, don't destroy your life because you're trying to protect your addiction. That's that's ridiculous. Get honest, get help, get into recovery, do the work. Go to the room, find somebody to help you, get a therapist, get a trained trauma addiction therapist. If you want to reach out to me, you can. Through my website, docjock.com, send me a message. Give me a message about what you're doing. If you have questions, you need some advice, you need some direction, you need some help, I'm there for you. Just reach out. Docjock.com. Until then, this is DocJoc, your addiction lifeguard, saying see ya.