Letting Go Of The Small Things: Staying Peaceful & Confident

We trace how small triggers hijack the day and show how to use observation, language, and preloaded thoughts to keep your footing. Confidence becomes calm action as we practice the future self, reframe meaning, and let emotions flow without judgment.

• letting small things go as a daily skill
• subconscious habits, interpretation, and reaction loops
• confidence as calm nonreactivity, not performance
• future self rehearsal to anchor commitment to change
• language shifts that unstick emotions and support flow
• preloaded thoughts and the preference question
• replacing self-judgment with self-compassion

Transcript

Dawn, Mood, And Listener Prompts

SPEAKER_00 0:11

We are on the line.

SPEAKER_04 0:13

Sun's coming up over the trees. It's getting better every day.

SPEAKER_01 0:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:17

Sunshine's coming up stronger and better.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

That sunrise this morning was gorgeous. I mean, it's it still is gorgeous, but when I looked out literally just a few minutes ago, there was pinks and purples. Uh there was, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:31

There was no snow. No new snow.

unknown 0:34

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

No new snow. I was gonna say, what's in your brain?

SPEAKER_04 0:37

There wasn't any new snow.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Hallucinating already.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

I really like that. No new snow. Doesn't mean I shoveled the last snow. It just means there's no new snow on top.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

So yeah, today was a day where we sometimes do this. Usually it I it actually, when we ask people to give us ideas, it usually turns into a series. So I kind of like that.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

I think we're very smart to ask the people with us for ideas. Yeah. I think that they are very smart. And I I think mostly they do exactly what we hope they do, which is tell me, talk about something that might be helpful for me right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Yeah, because you guys are working on stuff, and I think sometimes I think we're a little too close, like Les and I are just too close to the subject. It's it's nice to have like a wide, a wider view of what's going on, right? For other people.

SPEAKER_04 1:36

I also think that reframes are big, big ideas. You're changing your philosophy, changing your view of things. They're really big, broad ideas. And sometimes it's hard to bring them down to the practical, bring them down to the moment of the day. You know, sometimes we we learn a new reframe, like I am not my thoughts. And that's huge, but it might not be directly uh connected in your mind to what you're dealing with today. What's causing negative emotions, what's causing, you know, you know, falling off track, falling off plan. You know, we talked a lot about that idea of intention, right? And we even came up with a system, but you know, it uh sometimes it's hard to do all that thinking and still see, well, how does that apply to this situation?

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 2:34

And that's just the subconscious mind's programming. That's just the subconscious mind. And it's not that the it that it's programmed against it. I think it's important to realize that most of the time our subconscious mind is programmed differently, right? You know, think of you know, let's go back to tying our shoes. I think that everybody knows how to tie their shoes, and everybody does it differently. Everybody does it similarly, but I think everybody does it differently. And that that's the way the mind works, right? We might have similar beliefs and thoughts and structures, we might have similar mental habits, but ours is unique to us, and it applies to circumstances that are unique to us.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Yeah. So the topic today is Yeah, that it's it's sort of an overlapping of two. So the first one that came through was letting the small things go. And then the second one that came through, which I think they they can easily overlap, is sort of holding true to your commitment to change when faced with challenges. How to stay on track, how to reaffirm reaffirm your commitment to self, self-talk. I mean, that can be sort of, you know, uh talked about in different ways, expanded on, broken down, stuff like that. But I think when it comes to holding true to your commitment to change when faced with challenges, letting the small things go is is important, right? Primary to see them as small things, maybe, and and work on letting them go. So I like I like that. I think about how small things, you know, consciously we think of them as small things, but maybe the subconscious mind thinks of them as big things. Oftentimes when we get caught up in the small things, it's just a build-up of small things, small things, small things over years. And then sometimes, in some circumstances, we can get overwhelmed or angry or sad about what we would deem a small thing, and our reaction is much different than maybe we we want it to be, right? But thinking of it as just these compounded, these compounded events just building up and building up, and maybe we don't move through the emotions the way that are in in helpful ways in the past, and so we push them down into the body, and then something happens during our day, and it seems small to us, but it's really big, and we we find ourselves reacting in a way that maybe isn't helpful and holding on to it.

Subconscious Habits And Triggers

SPEAKER_04 5:32

I think um that you gotta pat yourself on the back when you can recognize them as small things. I think you're doing pretty well when you could say to yourself, this is a small thing, it shouldn't be bothering me this much. I shouldn't be reacting so strongly to this little thing. I think you pat yourself on the back. I think you also remind yourself that you're normal, right? I I really believe that so much of what we go through comes back to our own lack of self-appreciation and self-love. I think if we believed in ourselves more, if we loved ourselves more, we would actually be able to withstand other people's small jabs so much better. You know, I I one of the things I I take my clients through quite often is I ask them to tell me what does a confident person look like? Right? And the first reaction is, you know, the person with the shoulders back, big strides, walking through the crowd, head held high. And for me, that's not the confident person. That's the person who wants to wants to be confident, you know. We know the the shy and and the meek, they're going to be, you know, pulling back and avoiding. They're going to be by choice often alone. They're going to be slow to engage, they're going to be quick to defer. We know that that's that's kind of the I'm not confident view. I'm not sure of myself view. Sometimes that that I'm not sure of myself becomes that sort of grandiose personality of, you know, I'm trying to assert myself, I'm trying to get myself out there. And then that doesn't necessarily go well because quite simply it's not genuine, it's not coming from a place of confidence, right? So I really believe that a confident person is calm and peaceful. A confident person will engage when invited in conversation, in laughter in the group, and will also not feel the need to engage in the group, not feel the need to be part of what's going on, and sit back and observe. So asking yourself, what would I look like if I was confident, I think is a useful thing. What have I looked like in the past when I'm confident? And it's the little things that trigger us that we need to realize that it's a habit. It's this is a habit. This is a way that I have interpreted these kinds of things in the past. And that's the key one, right? The interpretation. If you can isolate the interpretation, you know, I'm reacting to this, right? I don't want to be reacting to this because I'm already capable of seeing that it's a small thing. And, you know, I'm I'm good that way. I I'm I I like myself that way. I like that I noticed that. I'm happy with myself that I'm being able to differentiate between the big things and the small things. I'm I'm really pleased that I'm noticing my reaction and not just reacting. Like that's amazing. That's the beginning, right? That's the beginning of saying I have this habit and I want the habit to change. So for me, you know, I really want us to put in our mind a vision of ourselves being confident and calm and turn to that when we can. That when it's not there, when we're not feeling that way, that we say, that's okay. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not bad. It's what happens. Now I want to understand it. And that's that's the invitation, that's the doorway opening to really lasting change.

Confidence As Calm And Nonreactivity

SPEAKER_01 9:52

I think if I think what's coming to me is when we're working with clients, there is this future self that we are working towards. Right? There is this future version of yourself that looks and feels a certain way, their mind maybe works a certain way, they're more calm, confident, whatever people want, right? And so there's this saying that people will have sometimes is know what you hold, know what you hold, know the value of what you hold. And that's a future thought. And the value of what you're you're holding is your future self feeling that way, and remembering that value, remembering that you're working towards that version of yourself. And I think when we keep coming back to that, that I know what I hold, right? I know what I'm working toward. I know the possibility of what's in my future, whether it's next week or a year from now. And just keep coming back to that thought. Just keep stepping into that version of yourself in your imagination. And I think when you are faced with challenges, when the small things catch you up, you can remember that version of yourself. And that will give, over time, at least with practice, it'll give you mental clarity. It'll give you that barrier between an event happening around you, a circumstance, and our our reaction to it. If our habit is to think about our future self and what we're working towards, I think it's easier and easier to let go of the little things that happen day to day, the ups and downs and and yeah, just letting go of of what's happening around you and knowing that that future self is right there. And at some point you're gonna be that future self. You might not even realize it. And you'll just be thinking about your future, future self, you know. So you're always you're always churning, you're always turning over into this new future self. And so to just be be peaceful with yourself. You know, we talk about peace a lot and just working on that.

Future Self And Commitment To Change

SPEAKER_04 12:27

Yeah, and I was just gonna add that it's the habits, the mental habits that we have that take us away from that goal. And each time we find ourselves dropping into a mental habit, well, that's when we wanna we wanna understand that contrast. So for me, like I think in terms of I'm having my daily experience, and something has caused me, some small thing has caused me to get off my track. Right. And so what we're what we're doing is we're moving from living unconsciously to living consciously, right? It's not just how we take things that require our conscious mind and turn them into things that are in our subconscious mind. You know, we need to bring those things out of our subconscious mind and examine them consciously. And we start to realize when we're in that process, when we start to recognize how habits get formed, the conscious becomes subconscious, and how we are can be aware how something's happening subconsciously and we can consciously think about it. One of the most amazing things, opportunities sitting there is to realize that you are not your thoughts. You're the observer of the thoughts, you're the thinker. The fact that you can observe your thoughts like that and see yourself. Look at me, look at that anger arising, look at that frustration arising, that you can be that awareness outside the thoughts and embrace that more and more and more, right? It it becomes a habit then where you observe yourself and you examine where does that come from, right? And I think it's simple the way it starts. The way it starts, the way it triggers itself, the way it shows itself, reveals itself to you, is when you're reacting or behaving in a way that you don't like, right? You immediately know this is not what I want, this is not my preference, this is not what I hope. And that observer saying that to yourself, you know, I don't want to react this way, I don't want to be, you know, triggered like this, right? That's a step away from your emotions, that's a step away from your thoughts. That's in many respects becoming the controller of your thoughts, and that's powerful. That's huge. That's that I think is a huge goal. So it starts with that observation and being aware that it's not what you prefer. But hang on to that moment. Hang on to that moment and ask yourself, what do I prefer? Right? What do I what would I want here? I would want that when that person says that stupid thing that they say to me every day, and it gets me all riled up, I would want them to be able to say that, and I can just let it pass by like a breeze. It came and it went. That's what I want. So now you're really engaging this process where you are you know what you prefer and you know what's going on, and now you can understand the contrast. Now you're observing your reaction. Now you're you're becoming aware that there's something inside you that's being triggered. And I just want to finish this with what's being triggered in you is how you interpret that little thing, what it means about you.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:13

Right? Yeah. What is that little thing? Why would that little thing get me here? It would only get me here to this state that I don't want to be in if I thought it meant something.

Becoming The Observer Of Thoughts

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Yeah. I think that's a good segue into what I'm gonna chat about for just a minute. I saw something yesterday, and I I really I encourage myself and you to go look this up maybe afterwards. But I saw something about language and how the English language is built around kind of negative thinking. It it is all about I am statements, I am angry, I am sad, uh, right? And so when we say I am, we're sort of locking in that it's about me. And the person that was talking about said that they were learning, I think they said Arabic or something. I could be wrong about that, but they were saying about how other languages don't really use the same sort of I am statements the way English does. And so the language that she was talking about said anger is flowing through me. That's how it comes across when it's going from English to Arabic, let's say. And I just found that fascinating that other languages around the world, I can't say all of them because I haven't looked it up yet, but they're very much about changing that so that it's moving this this energy, this feeling, right? It's not mine. I'm not holding on to it as if it's me. So I thought that's that's interesting how I think that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_04 18:03

And if you can take that further, right? Like I think that's the perfect way to talk about emotions. You know, this is flowing through me. And I like the word flow because you you you know, you gotta let emotions come. They bring with them messages and understandings, and then you gotta let them go. You gotta take the understanding and then let them go. And the understanding, the the emotion is triggered really by an interpretation. I'm interpreting this to mean something. Yeah, it's a beautiful way to say it, and this is where you fall back to interpreting your emotions. You know, anger means this is unfair, something's unfair, right? Sadness means something's gone, something's lost, you know, hurt very much. I've been injured. I think that that these kinds of shifts in your thinking process will also start to turn everything into a small thing.

SPEAKER_01 19:04

Yeah, really. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:06

I don't know. I mean, I've said this to clients before and watched their reaction. Yeah, I've just said, isn't everything a small thing? Because everything is not about me. And if it's not about me, it's a small thing. If it's not about me, and it's all about them, even if it's directed at me, it only reveals what's inside them. It can't reveal what's inside me. Only I can reveal what's inside me. Yeah, I love the idea that that movement towards being the observer, pulling ourselves out of the situation a little bit. It doesn't take much. Knowing that every time you're aware that you don't like how you're feeling, right? That's a part of you that's separate from the part of you that's feeling. That's the observer part of you, seeing and being aware of what you're feeling. And that's who you really are.

SPEAKER_01 20:05

Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to well, I shouldn't say that. It's when I when I think about well, how do I know I'm the observer, right? I'm thinking these thoughts. How am I the observer if I'm the one thinking? Well, think about a time during your day, it happens a lot, I think, where you're just puttering around, you're doing things, 20 minutes has passed, and you have been thinking probably the whole time, whether those are good thoughts, neutral thoughts, negative thoughts, it's usually negative, right? To some degree. But you were sort of on autopilot, not recognizing that you were even having thoughts. But the recognition afterwards of looking back and going, oh my gosh, but where where did those come from? Right. If we were actually in charge of our thoughts, we would probably change them, right? I don't know.

Language Shifts And Emotional Flow

SPEAKER_04 21:06

I'm asking you. Well, I think that most of us are aware. Again, this is that I believe that this is the magic skill. Most of us are aware that things come into our mind, thoughts come into our mind, and they just arrive. We didn't want them intentionally, we didn't try to think about them. They just popped up. And this is that subconscious mind that's churning based on habit, and we're thinking the same things over and over, day after day, most of them negative, because we are programmed to be fearful. We are programmed to be on alert. And so we're quick to criticize and we're quick to condemn, and we're we're quick to be afraid, and we're we're and these are just reactions that are programmed down there in our subconscious mind, but we are starting to become aware of it. And it's that awareness that is the opportunity. You know, we can sit, as you say, and mindlessly do a task while thoughts come and go. Some of them are just inane and innocuous, silly. And some of them are intense and dragging us emotionally, triggering emotions in us. You know, that's why we we love going to the movies. That's why we love reading books. Because our our mind can go into these places and it brings us sort of an emotional payoff. Because emotions are kind of nice sometimes. Even when they're some, even sometimes when they're negative emotions, we kind of like them, right? They really get the heart beating, they really get the the body ignited, you know, they get us going. And so, you know, we're we just passively let that happen. And that's okay as long as you don't engage them. It's okay that your mind wanders, that the things come and go out of your mind. So what? It's only when we engage them and let them affect us in that moment that we're sort of forced to deal with them.

unknown 23:18

Yeah.

Reframing, Meaning, And Preloaded Thoughts

SPEAKER_04 23:19

And of course, they're they can be really responsive. And you know, it's it's probably the bane, it's probably the the primary pain within relationships is all those little things that we let trigger us. Right. And some days we're more predisposed to let that happen. Yeah, some days we are wound up tight and expecting it to happen. And some days it just comes upon us when we're, you know, happily chugging along, right? To to suddenly find ourselves in just that moment, drawn out of our passively wandering thoughts into a specific one. It's really normal that that happens. And you can't, you well, let me say it a different way. You don't want to be judging yourself on it. You want to observe it, you want to say, this is not what I want. I don't want to be thinking these things. You want to have some, I like the idea of pre-loaded thoughts. That's why I'm such an advocate of self-hypnosis, right? Self-hypnosis is a bunch of preloaded thoughts, right? When my mind goes to the places I don't want it to go, and I say to myself, I don't want to think about this. What do I have ready to turn to? What do I have as a thought that I know is good for me right now? And that might be different on different days. And you might have a whole repertoire of these things. And I do like I am statements because I am statements are a real claiming. It's saying this is this is mine. So if you have good I am statements preloaded, that can be very useful. You know, a preloaded I am statement. I am safe. I am safe. I am always safe. I am safe. I am in control of my thoughts. Preloaded I am statement. I am lovable. I am worthy. I am allowed. I am allowed to have a wandering mind and take control of it again. You know, what these do is invite reinterpretation, and reinterpretation is what reframe is, right? Reframing is what, you know, to me, it's the antidote for the habitual thoughts that we have that drag us into these dark places, into these negative places, into these spirals, upwards or downwards, right? We're constantly interpreting what's going on around us. And although the vast majority of it, majority of it is completely, completely irrelevant to us, completely meaningless, we put meaning on. There's the moment, right? Like uh Victor Frankel said, you know, between stimulus and response, there is a moment. And in that moment lies your happiness. The fact that you're saying this is a little thing, and I don't want it bothering me, I think you deserve a great big pat on the back because that's an opportunity right there.

SPEAKER_01 26:40

Yeah. And you know, most of us are in reaction mode, and to to have your mind at least be at the point where you're seeing these as little things. Because not everybody does, right? So if you're if you're calling it out as a little thing, I think you're on you're on the right track, right?

SPEAKER_04 27:01

Yeah. So preloaded thought, a preloaded thought that you're going to practice, practice, practice. A preloaded thought when you find yourself being tweaked by something going on around you. You just immediately say to yourself, this is not about me. This means nothing about me. This is not about me. This means nothing about me. And then go to, okay, this is a contrast. This is not what I prefer. What do I prefer? What do I want? Hey, isn't that a great statement? More and more I'm loving that one. What do I want? I want to be at peace. I want to be unaffected by these things. If you start grabbing those moments and say, this is a choice I'm making right now. I can choose what I think, I can choose what I how I react. I can choose. The more and more you grab those, the more habitual it will become, and the better you will be at it.

SPEAKER_02 27:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:55

And the better you get at it, the calmer, of course, you'll be. Your confidence will go way up because you're not reacting to the world. You're acting within it. Yeah, it's it's it's a beautiful question that reflects real awareness. And then I'm hoping that these are these are mental tools that can help. And they can become the same habit that that negative reaction has become.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

Does that help? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:27

Thoughts or questions?

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Yeah. Thumbs up. Does help. Excuse me.

SPEAKER_04 28:33

I think so often the biggest point I want to make is don't judge yourself. There's nothing wrong with you. This is just a habit you can change. Right? Don't be frustrated with yourself. Don't be telling yourself I'm wrong or I'm bad or I made a mistake. Just allow yourself to know that you're acting within an established habit and you're going to change it because you're determined.

SPEAKER_02 28:57

Yeah.

Choice, Peace, And Practice

SPEAKER_04 28:58

And you know, there's there's nothing wrong. You know, uh, let me let me maybe this will be tomorrow's podcast. You're pretty range down. But maybe spend today dwelling on this question. If I really loved myself, what would that look like? If I really appreciated truly that I am a child of the universe, I am an essential part of the universe. The universe would be incomplete without me. If I really believed that, what would it look like? And if you're wondering, you know, I'm going to suggest that most of us have somebody, at least one person in our life, and most of us have many, a person in our life that we really love, that they can make mistakes and that's okay, that we forgive them instantaneously when they act badly, that they're allowed to just try and experiment and live and they don't fall into your judgment. The love always comes first. Even when you don't like what they're doing, the love comes first. If we have somebody like that in our life and we can recognize that, how do I do that for myself? How do I let myself make mistakes without judgment? How do I allow myself to experiment in freedom? How do I give to myself the kinds of love that I would give to that other person, that person, that special, special person? And what would that look like? And I believe that that's part of it. How do I get through the small things? I think part of it is accepting that it's okay that you got triggered. It's an invitation to make a change.

SPEAKER_00 30:53

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 30:56

So thank you everyone for hanging out. And I hope that helped. Seems to have helped. We've got thumbs ups and heart in the comments.

SPEAKER_04 31:06

I love it when you guys come up with topics.

SPEAKER_01 31:08

Yeah. We were a little uh brain dead this morning.

SPEAKER_04 31:12

So yeah, had extra coffee and everything, and still didn't get the engines going. And then your question happens, and then it's just yeah, so incredibly motivating.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

Yeah. So thank you. All right. We will see you later.