How and Why The Contrast Of Life Shapes Happiness & Gratitude

We trace how contrast shapes happiness, why we keep chasing novelty, and how a baseline of safety and gratitude turns ordinary moments vivid. Peace becomes the aim, with mindfulness and breath helping us stay present while emotions flow without clinging.

• seasonal shift as a metaphor for change
• contrast as the brain’s default and driver
• interpretation over perception for mood
• gratitude as deliberate, accessible contrast
• “I am safe” as a base program reset
• peace as more durable than happiness
• mindfulness and breath to anchor now
• anticipation highs and the crash that follows
• emotions as messages to be felt and released
• being enough without external highs

Transcript

Morning Shift Toward Spring

SPEAKER_01 0:10

We are on the line.

SPEAKER_06 0:13

Oh, smoke already. Almost five minutes late.

SPEAKER_01 0:18

I think we just have to keep pushing it. Now we're starting at 8 a.m.

SPEAKER_06 0:28

I've been up for an hour and a half.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

I know. Something magical happened this morning. Les got up before me.

SPEAKER_06 0:37

We all sat on the couch and stared out the window.

SPEAKER_02 0:40

That's right.

SPEAKER_06 0:41

In this overcast day with the river wide open.

SPEAKER_07 0:45

And feeling like, I don't know, it's got that shift feel to it, you know? That shift. That shift from winter towards spring. Like we we've broken the back of it.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

We would normally be in Cuba right now. But to break up the winter. And yeah, once we get once we usually got back from being away, there would only be like a few weeks left. Really.

SPEAKER_06 1:19

There is only a few weeks left.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Why We Wait For Happiness

SPEAKER_01 1:34

Yeah. So we're continuing our chat about happiness.

SPEAKER_07 1:40

We're always yearning, aren't we?

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Always yearning. Uh in the chat. Yes, just four weeks to spring. I like to think about it in like, like I was gonna say, there's five garbage days left. I like to think about it in that way because it seems like every time we turn around, it's garbage day. So to think about it like that sort of shortens it.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 2:10

Interesting how we are, you know, come back to that original question. Why do we why do we wait to be happy? Why are we looking off to the future to be happy? Why do we need certain things to happen to be happy? Why are the conditions that we're living in determining whether or not we're happy? I think conditions can mean everything.

Contrast: The Brain’s Default Setting

SPEAKER_01 2:39

Yeah, I'm gonna jump here and talk a bit a little tiny bit about what we mentioned this morning before the podcast is I think about getting into a hot tub. At first, it's like, oh, that feels so nice. Heat on my back, little bubblies, right? And then half an hour or an hour later, your prune, but you don't really feel the heat as much as you did when you got in. And so I think, like Dr. mentioned yesterday, this idea of contrast. We're always we we get used to where we are in life. And I think we we're constantly reaching to feel contrast, to feel something different, to feel like you're moving forward, or to feel like you're connected, or feel like you're worthy or happy, or we're always reaching. Yeah, I guess an old thought about it is the idea of keeping up with the Joneses, right? You need that contrast. I need a new car, I need a new house, I need a new TV, I need and that is well, that's a little bit of more judgment of self for not having or feeling like you want to have. Maybe that's a different line of thought, but I think the contrast is what what drives it.

SPEAKER_07 4:18

We are creatures of contrast. You know, this morning you're walking through the kitchen and you said, What is that smell? What is that smell? What is stinking in our kitchen?

SPEAKER_01 4:33

I have a very delicate nose, okay.

SPEAKER_07 4:36

And the thing of it is, it wasn't that you were smelling. You weren't walking through the kitchen with the intention of smelling everything. What you noticed what was unusual. Yeah, the contrast, something that was different. You know, our skin, it's very sensitive, but it's amazing how it gets so uh used to, it gets so conditioned to the feeling of your clothes. You know, you you get a new pair of shoes, and for the first few days you wear them, you know you're wearing new shoes.

SPEAKER_00 5:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 5:22

And then you become conditioned to it. And you don't even feel them anymore. You know, we were sitting here this morning in the dark, the sun hadn't come up yet, and it's you know, it's only like halfway, really, in terms of the light that it will be. But the tiniest bit of light was enough for us to see. It was enough for us to make coffee. In fact, the light on the coffee machine seemed almost bright. And it really is just the shadows that we see. What we see are the contrasts of light. In perfect darkness, our eyes don't work. In perfect light, complete light, with nothing but whiteness around us, our eyes don't really work. Because they were designed and meant to experience contrast and use contrast.

Perception Vs Interpretation

SPEAKER_07 6:25

The same with sound. I mean, we will, you know, you move to a new home and you hear every sound. You hear the refrigerator come on, you hear the furnace, you hear the pipes, you hear everything. And then you live there a month, and then you hear nothing. And it's amazing how silent silent can be when you actually achieve it. And it's only those contrasts and sound, sudden, sudden waves that allow our ears to work. I mean, it's they're all wired into your brain, which, you know, we'll say for now is part of the mind, and they're perceiving. And I see perceiving as sort of the the sort of lowest level of living, right? Just perceiving. Contrasts, being aware of contrasts, observing contrasts. We are contrast machines, and all of our impulses are driven by contrasts. A minute ago I was just fine, and now I'm hungry. I didn't notice it, but now I'm thirsty. I'm sitting still and I'm comfortable, and then I start to move, and now I'm stiff. Now my muscles are sore. You know, all of our drive comes from achieving. And if it's all about contrasts in terms of the way we experience this world, and what we're attempting to do is achieve contrasts to feel better, I can see why we would become feel happier when things change.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

I think it's also individual as well. I mean, something can happen in the world and someone can be happy about it, and the same thing can happen in the world, and someone can be unhappy about it. So it's how we interpret the contrasts.

SPEAKER_07 8:51

Bang on. That's it exactly. It's not what we perceive, it's how we interpret what we perceive. Today I got up and my legs felt stiff,

Gratitude As Deliberate Contrast

SPEAKER_07 9:05

and I noticed that contrast because yesterday we were doing squats, and I really liked feeling stiff. That was good for me. Now it's me having now the mindset that has shifted completely from gym, no way, never going to the gym. Don't want a gym in my life. My God, why would I do that to myself? To I love the gym. I love what it does to my body, I love what it does to how I feel, contrast. I love what it does with my mind because I'm with a bunch of people that are all doing the same thing, pushing themselves to be stronger, to be healthier, to be yeah, to be better than what they were yesterday, whatever better means. The contrast and the yearning and the interpretation.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Can we be in our regular environment with the regular, sometimes mundane things, and switch our interpretation so that we can feel happier in our environment?

SPEAKER_07 10:35

And what would you call that?

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Normal?

SPEAKER_07 10:40

Gratitude. Well, it's normal.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

Normal's the end of everything.

SPEAKER_07 10:46

What's not normal is to take everything that isn't a contrast and appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

In case anyone missed that because I was laughing, he said gratitude. That's gratitude.

SPEAKER_07 11:00

Yeah, how do we shift from a non-contrast, non-experience really, to experiencing everything immediately with appreciation? Gratitude. Yeah, I don't I don't feel my clothes on my body, but I'm really happy about them. Yeah, they keep you warm and you're not itchy and they have colors and they have shapes and they hide all my flaws, and they're not made of wool. Yeah, I wonder how people did it, eh? But yeah, I don't I don't feel the contrast, but I can be aware that they're there and I can shift my mind to gratitude, and in that moment experience a contrast because in the moments before I wasn't thinking about gratitude. And in that contrast, I can create happiness, which is what science tells us about happiness, that we tend to self-describe as happy when there is a change, a positive change in any aspect of our circumstance. It's a reaction because we are programmed to be beings of contrast.

Rewriting The Base Program: I Am Safe

SPEAKER_07 12:40

Now, when your base program, when your fundamental operating system is interpreting the world as attacking you, as dangerous, as confusing and confused. When your base operating program functions at that level, it doesn't take much to raise yourself to happiness. But the magic would be to change that base program. And all that comes to my mind over and over and over now is I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. It's a hard one to accept. The mind immediately reacts with reasons why you shouldn't feel that way. But stay with it. I am safe. In this moment right here, right now, not the potentials of the future and not the experiences of the past. In this moment right now, which is the only moment that really exists, I am safe.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

And so that helps you be feel peaceful in your environment and great gratitude?

SPEAKER_07 14:01

The longer I can hold that, right? And yes, I can shift that into gratitude, but the longer I can hold that, the more my base program is not yearning for change.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

I see, yeah.

SPEAKER_07 14:20

If I am safe, my base program is doesn't need anything, doesn't want anything. The contrasts are virtually gone. I don't know why we think. And that our life improves dramatically when we can see how safe we are. That doesn't mean the world isn't a crazy place. That doesn't mean that the world isn't filled with crazy people. It doesn't mean that what's happening out there isn't of concern. But right here, right now, I can legitimately say I am safe in this moment. I am grateful for that safety. And to me, this is where we start to shift our goals. I don't know when it happened to me, but it happened to me, and I have become much less concerned with happiness and much more concerned with peace, which is a wholly different experience. I enjoy happiness very much. I like having fun. I like laughing. I like playing. I like it when things get better.

Happiness Is Fleeting, Peace Endures

SPEAKER_07 16:21

When there's a little more money in the bank, or when there's a little a little pastry treat in the cupboard, or when there's you know a nice sunny day. I like all of that. But I really find myself at my best when I'm at peace.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Well, I think because like we said over the last couple of podcasts, you know, the treat might be in the cupboard, the sun might be shining, but the dopamine hit is fleeting. You know, and as you eat that treat, maybe the, you know, I'm kind of tearing it down here, but that's okay, I suppose what we're talking about. That first, oh, there's treat in the cupboard, and then you'll you take it out of the cupboard, and then the first bite is, oh my gosh, that tastes so good. But by the end of it, you're going, I'm just putting this in my mouth. And, you know, just like I can sit on the couch and put on a show, and that first chip out of the bag is great, but you know, minutes later, I'm at the end of the bag thinking, what just happened? I think the happiness, like we've said before, is fleeting because it really is just that hit of chemicals in the body that make you feel happy. And again, that feeling of happiness to break it down even further. I mean, I noticed that my happiness is like the tiniest, tiniest little blip of excitement, and then it just goes away. Right? So, what does happiness even feel like? And and so to your point, finding peace, I think, is like we've been talking about, finding peace is much more constructive, I think. It's more more helpful than just going through your day with these ups and downs and ups and downs and ups and downs of uh happiness mixed with I don't know, dare I say like a letdown?

SPEAKER_07 18:58

Well, those are the contrasts. That's what we are. That's why happiness exists. Happiness exists in contrast to fear.

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Yeah, the spectrum, right? You go happy, and then suddenly that rush is gone, and then what's left. And what you want to be left

Mindfulness, Breath, And Present Moment

SPEAKER_01 19:18

is peace, not further down the scale.

SPEAKER_07 19:26

You know, we we think about these things and we we take them for granted, you know. Everybody wants happiness. We talked about that a couple of days ago. Everybody wants happiness, everybody wants happiness. Well, it feels good, it feels good. Why wouldn't we want it? Happiness is a wonderful contrast from day to day, you know. So much of our life is without contrast. It's habits and and routines. Um and so who wouldn't want contrast from that? Who wouldn't want elation occasionally? And putting happiness in second place, you know, giving it the silver medal, not the gold. There's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't take away from how wonderful it is. But we're always with with happiness, you're always waiting for it.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 20:23

With happiness, you're always looking for it. With happiness, it requires a contrast. With happiness, we're looking outside for change, positive change. With happiness, we're waiting for events. Right? And maybe, maybe happiness is just that. It's just an emotion, it's a reaction to the interpretation of conditions. And maybe that's all happiness ever is, and we like it because we like it, because it feels good, because there's nothing wrong with it. There's no criticism of it. We're not saying it is somehow less than wonderful. It is wonderful, but it's based in contrast, it's based in conditions, it's based in reaction, response, and interpretation. And maybe there's a more base program, a kind of a joy, a kind of a peaceful joy, where in the moment, not waiting for the next moment, not yearning for the next thing to happen, maybe there's a peaceful joy that waits for us when we can shed our fear and not yearn for something better.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Yeah, but you kind of sort of answered the question in the chat. How do we work to be in the now and appreciate happiness? This moment. We need a happiness pill, maybe wrapped in chocolate.

Safety, Community, And Creativity

SPEAKER_05 22:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 22:11

I had a friend, and there's he used to say that, and I used to love him for it. And he used to say, Well, there's always room for chocolate.

unknown 22:21

Yep.

SPEAKER_07 22:22

Absolutely. We'd go up for dinner and he'd pull out a bar of chocolate. And he'd say, We're finished dinner, we're drinking coffee, and he'd say, There's always time for chocolate. And that was his that was his thing. So yeah, chocolate is a joy. I'm grateful for chocolate.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 22:42

For the very existence of it.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

But not like 70, 80% coke.

SPEAKER_07 22:50

Well, we all have our preferences that we come to through contrast. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:57

I feel happy when I eat chocolate. Yeah. I that's in the chat. For me, it's like the silliest thing is they make chocolate bars now with resealable, like caramel bars. You can reseal it. Who is gonna reseal the caramel bar like making a wine bottle with a stopper?

SPEAKER_07 23:27

What's the point of that?

SPEAKER_04 23:27

Yeah, what the heck?

SPEAKER_07 23:32

Why do we wait? I think because we're yearning for contrast that provides us elation instead of holding the peace of the moment that's available to us in a lot more moments than we think there is. I'm not saying that the world's a safe place. I'm saying that you can be safe in the world for a lot of moments in the day. And that will change the way you feel. That's that will change the way your body responds. That will change the way you start to plan and anticipate. It will lessen

Anticipation Highs And Emotional Flow

SPEAKER_07 24:16

the yearn for something to make you happy.

SPEAKER_01 24:21

Yeah. Yeah. So that would be the how do we work to be in the now is finding the gratitude in the moment and knowing that you're safe in many moments, and having that translate into not looking for the future or not looking for contrast.

SPEAKER_07 24:46

I think that human accomplishment is different from happiness. I think there's something to be distinguished there in the way our minds work. Yearning to be happy, looking for a piece of chocolate, is, you know, a pursuit to feel elation. And there's nothing wrong with it. But I think that when you're in the present moment and you're mindful, and this is, you know, just if you need science to tell you science is proving over and over now, mindfulness is the big new ticket in modern psychology and very much focused on being in the present moment. How do I put myself in the present moment? I think we give up the past and we give up the future. We give up the past as having gone because it draws our mind with things like guilt and shame and anger. And we consider the future as safe. I don't know what will happen, but I'll be okay. And that's how I define self-esteem with my clients. That no matter what happens, I'll be okay. That's sort of the highest form of self-esteem, without sort of adding arrogance or silliness to it. I am completely capable of surviving whatever comes my way. I'm that kind of strong, I'm that kind of smart, I'm that kind of aware. You know, to find yourself in the present moment is paying attention to the urge to breathe. The urge to breathe and to breathe in is the acceptance of life in this moment. And paying attention to your breath has long been the technique used for mindfulness training. That doesn't mean that you don't have creativity and

You Are Enough, Even Without Highs

SPEAKER_07 27:00

curiosity. Those, I think, when you isolate, when you get rid of the fear, right, when you can slow down the contrasts, what arises is your natural appreciation for your life, a joy. And that joy has within it, if take the time to examine it, a curiosity, something that interests you. Everybody's got their thing, and it's different for everybody. But you've got your thing that makes you curious. That, oh, I wonder, I'd like to know more about, or I'd like to experience, or I'd like to do. You have your your urge of your curiosity. It's hard, I think. You know, this might be opening up a can of worms. It's hard to build a society on curiosity and creativity. But maybe building a society is not nearly as important when everybody is just honoring, everybody is safe. Everybody allows each other to feel safe. Safety is the kind of thing that we give to each other. Can I make all of those around me safe? At least in relation to me. And in promoting that safety, I promote their peace. In promoting their peace, I allow their truest self to come through in the form of curiosity and creativity. Um maybe I'll find those that I can collaborate with that have similar interests, similar curiosities, similar drives.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

In the chat here it says, excuse me. Does it feel more happy if we build up to it? Anticipation, hype up. I was sitting here thinking about this. It made me and again, and again, like this is my interpretation of it. It doesn't mean it's the right answer. I think about our baseline, how we feel

Reflections And Closing

SPEAKER_01 29:21

day to day, how we feel normally. And I hope I explained this properly. Well, think about I'm gonna go back to that example of Christmas morning. And you are a kid and you are hyped up, you're watching over the course of God, a couple weeks, maybe, to or not twice, but like presents are going under the tree, you're checking. Maybe it's just too much, and you're like me, and you try to find the presents and know what they are, but you're you're getting hyped up, and then the night comes, uh, you know, Christmas Eve, and then you just can't even sleep, and then you you and then Christmas morning comes and you go nuts and you're happy, happy, happy. But if your baseline is not peaked, then what you see right after the hit of dopamine and excitement is crash. I'm not sure if it's more happy that you're feeling. Maybe it's an overwhelmant. I'm not even sure if at this moment I'm answering the question properly, but I think that the release of chemicals is going to be maybe more. The excitement, the happiness is going to be more, but you might find that you crash even harder afterwards. Again, that contrast.

SPEAKER_07 31:15

Well, we are creatures of contrast, and I think that as creatures of contrast, one of the things that we experience in contrast is an emotional internal state. I think emotions are underutilized, and we cling to them, and we might be better served to learn to understand our emotions and let them flow. Emotions are the spice of life. Emotions are the juice, the gravy. Yeah, something good happens. Something that we would call good happens. It's not the thing that happened, it's the way it made us feel that we love. It's those emotions. Those emotions, those interpretations of that maybe it just boiled down to life is wonderful. I am blessed. This is wonderful. Life is good, you know, allowing emotions, experiencing emotions, understanding emotions, and letting them flow so you can be open to the next emotion is some of the fun parts of life.

SPEAKER_04 32:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 32:35

And there's nothing wrong with that. The issues that most people experience in their lives are when they cling to emotions, and emotions become suffering. But emotions are just messages.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

Well, and I come back to something I think important here that we can expand on probably another day. But there's a string there that you said, uh, I'm happy, I'm blessed, uh, you know. And I think an important note on that is that I think I think it's important to know that you are blessed and loved and enough all the time, not just when good things happen.

SPEAKER_07 33:22

You know, there are days when we approach this podcast very analytically, filled with science and brain work, and and some days we approach this podcast very reflectively. And I think being up early and watching the sun come up and drinking coffee and quietly sitting with the dog has made us particularly reflective today. I know I feel that way. And that's a contrast to some other days. But in the end, I hope it's helpful. I hope that the thoughts and the questions. You know, sometimes we don't need answers. We need questions. The answers reside within us all.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

So thank you for hanging out today and have a beautiful day. Yes, have a nice weekend.