You Are Worthy! Part 1

We start with a simple scene of apple blossoms and use it to challenge the most exhausting habit many of us carry: treating our worth like something we have to earn. We explore how work, money, comparison, and early family dynamics program the feeling of “not good enough,” and how reclaiming worth opens the door to real self-love. 
• noticing how nature never asks permission to be worthy 
• questioning what determines worth and where that belief came from 
• recognizing the “last 15 minutes” treadmill of work approval 
• unpacking the matrix of status, comparison, money, and control 
• understanding why retirement can trigger an identity crisis 
• separating what we do from who we are, replacing shame with learning 
• digging into childhood conditioning around “good” and “bad” 
• practicing questions that detach worth from results and other people’s opinions 
Direct message us on school. 

Transcript

Apple Blossoms And Presence

SPEAKER_00 0:10

We are on the line.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Overcast day. About half the flowers on the apple tree are gone. Such a short-lived thing every year. The tree blossoms. And again, I guess it's coming up. This is the second week. The blossoms. Most of them ended up all over the lawn.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

They were still beautiful on the lawn.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

There, it looks like snow.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

The smell of the tree was just, I mean, it's still gorgeous. You just I can't even describe what the smell is. It's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Yeah. Yeah. We have lots of senses. We should use them all.

SPEAKER_02 0:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 0:52

The look, the smell, the feel. The blossoms are like little tiny. The petals are so delicate.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Yeah. Yeah. And soon it will be fruit. Little fruits.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

And you know what the tree never does? It never says, I'm am I worthy of all these beautiful flowers? The tree never asks, do I have permission to have flowers? Am I allowed? Am I good enough to make fruit this year?

unknown 1:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:28

Yeah. It nature just doesn't do that. I think, as we said, maybe last week or the week before, like it seems like humans are are the only species that questions our worthiness of life.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

We turn that into seeking permission and seeking approval.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

So let's start with the big question. What determines your worth?

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Well, if it's Hilary the hypnotist trying to help everybody, I say you are born worthy. The determination of your worth is that you simply exist. But if I'm speaking from Hillary, the human that's struggling in life many times. Yeah, it's about, well, did I do that? Or how was I made to feel growing up? Or maybe I messed up big there in that time of life. And does my worthiness carry on after that? You know, even though I might tell somebody like, oh yeah, I messed up big, and they'd be like, that's nothing. What are you talking about? But still, no matter how big it is, it doesn't, it doesn't have anything to do with our worth.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

How often do you think about your worth?

SPEAKER_00 2:59

Consciously, never. Subconsciously, I'm learning more and more.

SPEAKER_01 3:06

It's like it has been created in our subconscious

What Determines Your Worth

SPEAKER_01 3:10

mind as a constant question.

SPEAKER_03 3:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:15

My first big job in a law firm.

SPEAKER_03 3:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

I got used to the idea of what have you done for me in the last 15 minutes?

unknown 3:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

You could do something really incredible, you could save the day, you could come up with the big idea, you could make the right move, you can do all these things. And then you want to celebrate. Look what I did. Look what I did. And we learned that celebration and pats on the back, they're they last a couple of minutes. You get a couple of minutes of that. Sure, go ahead, feel good. That's fine. But uh the clock is ticking.

SPEAKER_02 3:53

Get back to work kind of again.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

And what have you done for me in the last 15 minutes?

SPEAKER_02 3:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

And it's like your worth is never actually established.

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

We can fight that. We can see the the absolute ridiculousness of it. But I think if we want to get over this hump, if we want to move towards a different state, you gotta go back and you gotta be honest with yourself about what are the things that cause you to question your worth, your deservingness, your entitlement.

SPEAKER_00 4:38

Like go back and think about your life and think about where you maybe lost the thought of your entitlement worth.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

Well, I'm yeah, I I think that that's the therapeutic endeavor that follows the recognition of the recognition of the habit, let's say. Let's use the word habit.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

How do we recognize the habit? I I mean, I know I'm sort of throwing questions out there. And you know, the way the podcast works, if anyone listening has any questions or wants to chime in with their answer, please do so. But I think about like how do how does unworthiness the feeling, because it's not the truth ever, but how how does the feeling manifest? And what do we end up doing?

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Well, what does it feel like? What does it feel not good enough feel like?

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Yeah, maybe it feels like wallowing. That's a good word. I don't know. I imagine someone, I've done it, I know, just sitting on the couch, just wanting to be like in this self hatred, like just you know, uh caving in on myself kind of thing. It it's almost a dare I say addictive. You don't want to come out of it, and then you do, and you feel much better. But when you're in that kind of thing, it's almost like I don't know how to describe it. Do you know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_01 6:11

It's like an anchor. It's like an anchor. You grab that thought that says, I'm not good enough. That thought that says I don't deserve this. That thought that really challenges your own worth. And it remains this question, right? I think it's probably the biggest problem for us today. I was spending some time on this yesterday, and I think of it in terms of thinking of the matrix, right? This this collection of programs that we live every day that keeps us striving, that keeps us uh never being satisfied, never feeling lovable, never feeling worthy, you know, that it keeps us doing.

SPEAKER_02 7:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Right. I think that there's there is a constantly unanswered question of what have you done for me in the last 15 minutes, or what have you done in the last moment to do, you know, I had a friend, his his mother would say things to him like, you know, what

Work Culture And Approval Addiction

SPEAKER_01 7:20

have you done to deserve this wonderful life that you have? What are you doing to earn your life, your spot on the planet? You know, and and it really is a social program. Yeah, it's one that, you know, what with I I don't talk about somebody's mother in terms of blame. I I talk about it in terms of mechanism, right? Like somebody obviously said that to her.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Somebody obviously made her believe that she had to constantly contribute something within a specific set of boundaries to be able to feel, to be allowed to feel good about herself. Somebody put that program in her. And what it did in some ways was caused her, well, in some ways, in every way, it causes us all to first of all compare ourselves to others and strive and compete against others so that we are more worthy. And for some people, that results in being selected to better jobs, and better jobs have better paychecks, and better paychecks have you know nicer food on the table and a bigger house and nicer cars. And all of that feeds back into what you do determines what you're worth, you know, like we we even use that phrase when we talk about people. Well, what's he worth? What's Elon Musk worth? Right? And we we define it very quickly into his stuff, what he has, money and stuff and power. And that's the stuff that reflects, or we've come to think reflects worth. And when I say that out loud, we have a natural reaction to it, right? We have a deep, you know. If I was to say, yeah, you know, it's really easy. I actually had a colleague once when I was working down on Bay Street, and this colleague uh said to me, There are many ways to determine and measure the worth of a man. I choose money and I will be the greatest man that ever lived.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 9:55

Yeah. Like that's that's a moment that stays with you.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

When somebody looks you in the eye and says that he It's amazing money, money equals greatness. It's not the truth, it's just a perception. But how people get caught up that money makes me good.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

Well, it's it is, you know, I we come back to it. I say it all the time. This is the programming. This is what I mean when I talk about the matrix. When you find yourself striving for other people's goals, when you find yourself locked into habits of behavior that don't serve you, but serve a system, they serve a broader group of people that you don't even know, but seem to benefit the most from it. You know, that's what I mean by the matrix. The matrix is this thought pattern, this program that's inside you that keeps you striving to establish your worth, really, the ultimate beneficiary is not you. And as long as I can keep in your mind the question, am I good enough? Am I worthy? What have I done in the last 15 minutes to earn my spot on the planet? If I can keep that inside you, right? How much more money do I have? How much more stuff do I have? How does my stuff compare to other people's stuff? If I keep those questions in your mind and they're tied to your perception of your worth, you never get off the treadmill. I I've come to think that worth, the question of worth, is at the heart of the matrix.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

Yeah. It doesn't surprise me that when people, especially when it comes to our jobs, when people why do I always want to say graduate, not graduate when they end their jobs.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Retire.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

Retire. What the heck is wrong? Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Well, it's interesting just to examine how those two words sit in similar places in your mind.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

I guess. Yeah. I guess.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

That there is a sense of completion.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

Yeah. So I mean, there there's a thing that happens to a lot, not

The Matrix Of Money And Status

SPEAKER_00 12:10

everybody, but a lot of people when they retire is they get really lost because they've set they've set their worthiness and their place in this world to the job that they had for a long time. And now that they don't have the job, now that they're, you know, hopefully one would hope that they're living their life and you know, spending their money and having a good time and and and just being. Oftentimes that's not the case. See we see it all the time in the hypnosis world because many of them come to us to find themselves again, to understand who they are and remember who they are as this being moving through this life and what their passions are. So easy to forget. Especially, you know, I mean, there's all kinds of examples. People tending to spend their whole life giving to others. And then when they retire, they they're not sure what to do with themselves because they they don't they don't know how to give to themselves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

Yeah, there's a program. There are so many aspects to this program. We've talked about a bunch of them in the last few weeks, but uh I feel like they need to sort of come together to a real a real point. I think the first point is, you know, we've talked about the myths of self-worth, right? The myth that your worth can vary, can change, can increase or decrease. Yeah, that your worth is in question ever. Yeah, that's the thing that keeps you questioning. Am I good enough? Did I do the right thing?

unknown 14:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

And the way we punish ourselves, right? Your question of your worth and your merit, and have you done enough and are you good enough? That's the stuff that keeps you up at night. That's the stuff that that makes you not eat or eat badly.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

What would what would someone's life look like? And I encourage listeners to think about this for themselves. What would your life look like if you moved through it feeling worthy of everything you did and everything that was surrounded surrounding you and things that came to you? You know, how would that feel? At first, one might say, Oh, it'd feel amazing. And that's wonderful. But just to give it a little check, uh, you know, what is your second thought about that? What's the second emotion about that? Sometimes, not always, but I'd like to point it out just to have the acknowledgement that maybe there's a little bit of reframing that needs to happen or helping you feel worthy, come out of unworthiness, helping you feel worthy. Sometimes what it is is, oh, that would feel great to feel worthy of everything coming my way. But then sometimes in the next breath, it's fear.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

Giving up a way of life and a way of thinking of yourself without something to think instead is hard. I think that's the biggest resistance we'd get from our clients, is that we can pose these questions like, how can something outside you determine your worth?

SPEAKER_00 15:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:50

Right. And that can make so much sense, right? Of course, nothing outside me determines my worth. The weather doesn't, you know, determine my worth. Some days rain, some days snow, some days sunny, some days windy, some days tragic, some days beautiful, right? That doesn't determine my worth. And people, people's thoughts and words, like they come along all the time. Yesterday I took the last basket at the grocery store, and the person who came in behind me was all pissed off. Now, to them, right? You know, if I use their determination of my worth, I'm feeling pretty awful. And that's what'll drive some people to be so selfless that they'll give up the basket and won't know what to do. They don't have, you know, any alternative, but it's better that you have what you want than I have what I want. This this idea of sacrifice, right? Like, how is that a good idea?

unknown 16:53

Right.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

And it doesn't mean that we suddenly become not helpful or yeah, not helpful. It just means that you're not pushing yourself down into the mud to help to help, you know.

SPEAKER_01 17:10

We get ideas about things that pass down to us, they get embedded, they don't get questioned, they play themselves out in a lot of unpleasant ways, and we don't examine the fundamentals. Something outside me cannot determine my worth because everything that every other person is experiencing is a function of what's going on in their mind and their interpretation of things that are going on around them.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:44

How can something outside me determine my worth? And that includes the things that I do, right? How does something that I do determine my worth? I am not what I do, I'm the doer. And when I do, I'm doing for the purpose of learning. If I do it right, it means I already knew. If I don't do it right, it means I'm learning. And no matter what, when I do, when I act, it is my attempt to respond to the circumstance around me. Sometimes I'm good at it, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I get what I'm looking for, sometimes I don't. Sometimes things turn out the way I want them to, sometimes they don't. But how can that determine my worth? How can somebody's worth be determined by what they know or understand

Retirement And Losing Your Identity

SPEAKER_01 18:30

or are capable of doing?

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Yeah. But these are Yeah, sorry, it's funny what's coming to my mind, and we might have touched on this earlier. Worth I think worth is such something that we feel. Maybe it's not an emotion per se, but it's such a feeling that often we don't attach the word to, right? We don't, we don't attach the word worthy to the feeling, but we definitely feel the feeling. And unless we take a deeper look at it and start working on it, I don't think too many people really attach the word to it. So it's I think it's helpful when you're beginning this work on feeling worthy, is to notice where that feeling is, right? And I guess what I'm getting at is just noticing where that sits in you. Because I think everybody has it. I do. I think even people that you would never think have worthiness issues or whatever you want to call them, I think they have something. It's like we all we all have it, whether it's big or small. And it is worth working on, but I don't think it's conscious. I think the emotion, the feeling that we sit in that revolves around it has many other labels. But I don't think, unless, unless we dive deep, I don't think we attach worthiness to it. Often I see this often with clients when we're sort of digging down, and I say, you know, well, if this is what you're saying to yourself, what does that make you feel as a human being? And then they say, whatever comes to them first. And then I say, okay, we're gonna dig again. You know, what if this is what you're saying to yourself now, what does that make you feel as a human being about yourself? And then we dig and dig until maybe like three, four sentences down, suddenly there's the worthiness. You know, it's like an aha moment for people. So I think it's worth looking at. I think that's why I mean it's such a broad subject, really.

SPEAKER_01 20:56

Well, it's a core subject. Yeah, it's a core subject because what you determine as your worth and what you determine as the origins of your worth, where does your worth come from? Where does your personal merit, your value as a being, what determines that? Yeah, and that's that's as deep as it gets, right? It doesn't everything from that creates your motivations and your actions and your behaviors. What do I need to do to succeed? Whatever that means. What do I need to do to be a success? What do I need to do to be good enough, to be one of the good ones, to be a good boy or a good girl? We very quickly attach, very young. We attach doing and worth. It's like an immediate thing. Like, you know, babies who cry know that their parents are exhausted and tired and unhappy with them. Babies, you know, who the whole of their early life is spent trying to please their caregivers.

SPEAKER_02 22:19

Right?

SPEAKER_01 22:19

They're trying to please themselves. They're trying to have their needs met, whatever those are at the time, hungry or uncomfortable or you know, wet or whatever. They they can't communicate in any kind of complex way other than by showing emotion. And babies showing emotion is bumping into that sense of worth by the parent, right? Everybody wants to be a good mother, everybody wants to be a good father, everybody wants to be a good parent. And that's determined again. That goodness is about what you do. Right. And so the immediate response is to do something. I gotta do something here. And if I do something, you need to respond in the way I want. And when a baby gets fed and gets a new diaper and gets clean clothes and still cries, then the mother can't be calling herself a good mother. The father can't be calling themselves a good father because the baby's crying. And the baby doesn't know what to do and can't communicate that, but has a very clear message that the parents want them to stop crying.

How Childhood Wires Worthiness

SPEAKER_01 23:40

And then the baby becomes a problem. And when the baby starts to understand language and language starts to be used, then the baby learns very quickly what it means to be a good girl or a good boy. And good girls and good boys get good things, and bad girls and bad boys don't. And you know, to say that somebody made a mistake is very different from saying somebody is bad, and that's that shift, right? Where we go from what we do to who we are, where we go from guilt to shame, right, where we go from success to arrogance and superiority. There's a comparative thing there, but we tie very, very quickly, very, very early in our existence in these bodies, in our existence as this person that we see ourselves as now. We tie ourselves very early to two very important ideas. My lovability, my worth is very much connected to what I do.

SPEAKER_00 24:48

And as you're speaking, like, I don't know if any of us can get away from this, right? Like, like as a, you know, we can work on our worthiness, but you know, a baby and parents, that dynamic, uh, you know, getting frustrated as the parent, or the baby noticing that the parents are happier when you're not crying. Like, you can't really get around that. That that is that is something that just happens naturally. And you know, you shouldn't feel bad for it. It's it's so easy to do. Um, I mean, I'm not a parent, but I know that. Like, like that's that's just yeah, it's important to be part of yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

When you're trying to explain something, when you're trying to reveal the cause and effect of something, it's really easy to fall back into a plane in judgment, right? This is uh it because because we're being led, we're being drawn forward in our lives of what's a good boy, what's a good girl, what's a bad boy, what's a bad girl, right? That means that we're also living as adults, what's a good mother, what's a bad mother, what's a good father, what's a bad father. Like the judgment part is inherent in everything we do. And this, this sort of this self-judgment that we attach, you know, to our deepest self. This is not about, oh, this is somebody's fault. I think it's just important to see it as a chain that's been passed down and passed down and passed down and passed down, that it's been handed to us under the premise that this is good, but it's really just about control, controlling each other's behaviors, controlling what we what we spend our time doing, controlling if we control our ability to feel good about ourselves with what we produce or what we do or how we behave, then we keep the question of worth always a question, never finally determined, never done, never finished, never established. It's constantly needing to be re-established. And that keeps us motivated to keep acting, to keep behaving within the social context. What should I be doing? What what would uh what should a person, a man or a woman of this age, should they be doing? And when you don't act in that, when you don't behave in that prescribed way, like a societal norm, yeah, norm. Then you find yourself questioning your own worth, you find others questioning your worth, you find yourself being judged. Like it's I'm finding it really easy to see this question of worth as the core issue to everything, and I see it very easily expressing itself in all aspects of our life as we're all constantly being driven to establish our worth to be good. And yeah, I mean, the as hypnotists, we take people back and we look at those moments that cause them to question their worth. We look at those ideas that they get given out of love, out of caring, out of control. You know, parents want to control their kids because that's how they turn them into good kids, which become good adults, whatever that means. And and so it's a mechanism that requires questions like this to reveal the dilemma we've all been put in, to be constantly questioning our worth and our abilities and our our merit and our capabilities. You know, when when we have something that we want out of life and we're not getting it, it's what am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? What don't I get? What haven't I understood? What haven't I done? And all of that comes back to well, maybe I don't deserve. I don't deserve this yet because I haven't figured out what to do. I don't deserve this yet because I haven't done all the things you need to do. You know, we turn that into big complex ideas like you gotta pay your dues, right? But it's all just a constant attempt to control.

SPEAKER_00 29:22

Yeah. Yeah, it's so complex. I mean, there's so many layers to it. We can just skim and do a deep dive here and there, but it really is just something that is inherent based on our growing up and also uh, you know the the aspect of growing up, the the part where parents react, the child reacts, is something that if you try to control, like like think about this. I I hope I can easily say this, like hope it comes out easy. Think about this scenario, you know, you've got a mother, a father, baby's crying, they're tired, just like you said, and then the baby's happy, and then the the the expression on the parent's face changes, and they're happy and they're feeling a little more peaceful, maybe getting a little more sleep. Those are natural reactions, but the interpretation from it is very natural too, right? To try to control those reactions, to try to raise a baby that has worthiness, no worthiness issues, would be uh beyond doable, I think. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it's so natural.

SPEAKER_01 30:44

I I don't want to dismiss the idea that that we could we could be better at this. I don't want to dismiss that as though. And I don't want to dismiss the idea, you know, it's one of those things we do. We we dismiss our ability to attempt because we can't be perfect. This is not going to be perfect, so let's not even try.

SPEAKER_02 31:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:05

And we also, you know, oh, I gotta blame everybody else, you know. I gotta blame my parents. That's again just an excuse not to not to understand the mechanism, the process.

Detaching From Unworthiness Toward Self-Love

SPEAKER_01 31:20

But I think there's just a million questions. This is this is a I I keep imagining a diamond with a thousand facets, a thousand corners, wonderful little angles. And inside it is incredible beauty, but each angle is just another way that we're being kept from going inside. It's just another way we are we are diverting our attention away from our worth and putting our attention on what we do and the results of what we do. And in doing so, the reflection or the mirror keeps us from seeing the true, the truth of the image. I think that the questions we asked today, and there's so many more questions, but how can what I do determine my worth? How can what somebody else says about me determine my worth? How can my worth change? Right? How does worth get established? Does worth need to be established? When and where is worth established? And you know, why is worth a comparative thing, right? And why is it so darned attached to money and stuff? And why are we so concerned with the results of what we do, except we think the results of what we do determines the worth of what we do? Yeah, a lot more questions and answers today. But what's good about the questions is they reveal the lack of truth that we have so far. Maybe we haven't hit the truth here, but we're seeing the magnitude and the depth and the dimensions of the illusion. So to spend the time today and try to detach your sense of goodness and badness, worthiness and unworthiness, worthwhile, value, your own sense of yeah, you're deserving of your life. Just start tearing down some of the walls that are getting in the way. Start seeing the illusion of the connections. My worth is not determined by what I do, my worth is not determined by other people. My worth is not determined by what I have and other people's opinions of what I have. My worth is not established in comparison to others.

SPEAKER_00 34:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

Sort of forces you to look beyond your physical life, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 34:05

Yeah, absolutely. Makes me think about all the things. I won't bring them all up right now, but all the things that I think about that, you know, oh, if I looked like this or felt like this or had this much money, I would do this. Well, why don't I do it now? You know, why don't I feel that way about myself now? Anyway, thoughts to chew on.

SPEAKER_01 34:28

This is a big, big thing.

SPEAKER_00 34:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

Right? This is a big idea, and I suppose that to me it it leads us into the idea of self-love. So if worth is a constant question, and as a constant question, we are constantly criticizing and judging, evaluating and condemning. What would be the opposite of that? If our worth wasn't in question, we would just love. We would just love ourselves. What would that look like? Maybe talk about that tomorrow.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Yeah. So thank you everyone for joining us today and listening in. If you have any uh, you know, questions, just let us know, direct message us on school.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Yeah, if you listen to this today and all it did was stir you up, which which is I I'm gonna, you know, I I don't desire to make somebody feel bad, but I I don't believe that it's a poor exercise. I believe it's a this is a really good exercise. This is an exercise that's getting at the root of the matter, yeah. And so I'm not gonna apologize that you feel a little churned up or worked up. But uh, don't judge yourself. I mean, the problem is that you don't see yourself always as worthy. That's the problem, and it isn't true. Your worth cannot change, your worth was

Closing Reflections And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_01 35:55

established long before you got here. Yeah, yeah, your worth is a gift, your existence and your worth are established together. It's okay to look at the program that's caused you to question that. It's good and healthy to challenge some of the things that you've been taught that question that. And when you can see yourself as worthy, you will love yourself, you will admire yourself, you will enjoy yourself, you will stop judging yourself and start allowing yourself. And so, although this is a really difficult question, it is very much a time well spent.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Yeah. All right, everybody, have a beautiful day wherever you are in the world, and we will see you later.