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Breaking Free: The Roller Coaster of Awakening

• Terri Wilson

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That moment when you realize your behaviors are sending you a message about what's still unhealed within - this is where our journey begins. Have you ever noticed how the things we do to hurt ourselves are actually reflecting deeper wounds crying out for attention?

Today's episode dives deep into the uncomfortable truth from spiritual teacher Shri Prem Baba: "It's important to eat well, breathe well, sleep well, meditate and engage in healthy activities to nourish our body's health. And if you don't do that, it's anger toward yourself because of some unresolved issue that still makes you want to hurt yourself." This revelation struck me profoundly as I found myself slipping back into old patterns despite believing I had overcome them.

Using the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram as a guide, I share my raw experience as an Eight with addictive tendencies, revealing how awareness becomes our most powerful ally in transformation. The journey isn't about perfection but about noticing – seeing clearly when we're caught in those familiar loops of self-sabotage. Through a powerful metaphor of choosing between life as a predictable merry-go-round or an exhilarating roller coaster, we explore why the spiritual awakening path feels so intensely challenging yet ultimately rewarding.

What makes this evolutionary journey so unique is that we're all being called to it simultaneously. The matrix systems are dissolving, requiring each of us to step into our authentic selves with courage and vulnerability. As Joe Dispenza wisely notes, "We're not here to chase but to become. Not here to wish, but to embody." This distinction between external seeking and internal embodiment forms the cornerstone of true spiritual growth.

Wherever you find yourself on this path of becoming – just beginning or well along the way – know that you're not alone. Take a moment this weekend to pause, connect with nature, and acknowledge the tremendous courage it takes to choose the roller coaster over the merry-go-round. Your journey matters, and your light is needed now more than ever.

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Speaker 1:

it's important to eat well, breathe well, sleep well, meditate and engage in healthy activities to nourish our body's health. And if you don't do that, it's anger toward yourself because of some unresolved issue that still makes you want to hurt yourself. And that's the flower of the day from Sheree Prem Baba, and I want to welcome you back to Free to Just Be, the podcast empowering humanity to courageously step out of old patterns and programs and give a big old hug to new ways of being. I hope this finds you in the greatest health this morning, with vibrant energy today, because you have chosen to accept the full responsibility for your body, mind and soul. Here on Free To Just Be, you and I will attempt to inspire each other to truly be who we came here to be our authentic, free and aligned selves, with our highest potential always in mind. So join me on this transformative journey to rewrite our narratives and live lives of purpose and passion.

Speaker 1:

Hello, hello, on a fantastical Friday morning, friday 7-11. Today is my son, joshua's birthday. Happy, happy birthday, josh. 7-11 baby. Oh, my goodness, I was in a lot of pain at this point many, many years ago, and I have. I have so many children. I have to stop and think for a minute how old my son, joshua, is. Oh my goodness, my baby is 34 years old today and he is a very, very happy dad of a 15-month-old little boy named Sailor Blue, and it's just been awesome to watch the evolution of my children as well. So happy birthday, josh, on this 7-11, and 34th birthday of yours, and I just welcome all of my brothers and sisters in Humanityville back. Welcome all of my brothers and sisters in Humanityville back.

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And I want to talk a little bit about the quote that I just read from Sheree Prem Baba, and I don't even know how. I think it was my friend Truth Matters that hooked me up with Sheree Prem Baba and he sent me the flower of the day and it's a quote of the day, and each of these quotes are from his teachings, and it's just so interesting how God just brings me people that have the same the common denominator of the desire of their heart is to bring the world into unity and into the remembrance that we are one, one with God, one with each other, and Shri Prambaba is definitely one of those, and this flower of the day came to me several days ago and has been disturbing my peace ever since, because you know, I do Tai Chi Gong every day, I sleep well, I meditate and I feel like I'm a pretty healthy person person except when it comes to this food issue and I've been recognizing, with the help of the Enneagram, becoming more aware of who I am and what my tendencies are like and what my downslope go-tos are and what my high scope go-tos are. The Enneagram is something I'm going to discuss at a later date because it's still very new to me, but, oh my goodness, it's been very, very helpful in my journey, and imagine that something 5,000 years old could help us. It's just so cool, when you actually do get curious and you do start opening your mind to new ways of being, how you will hook into the very things that you need to grow.

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But going back to that quote, it really struck me because you get to this point on this journey of evolution where you think that, well, you've dealt with a lot of your programs and false beliefs and then you get smacked in the face over and over again. Usually you have some time and space in between, but eventually it'll come back to that. Oh wow, there's another one, and there's another one, and another one bites the dust right. They are so deep and they are so ingrained in who we are these programs, these things that have kept us from being all that we came here to be. And when I read that quote, it really got me because, you see, I thought that I love myself. And don't get me wrong, I think for the first time in my life I have a level of self-love that I've never had. But to say that I completely love myself. It really got me when it said you're still stuck in some core of hatred. In other words, there's anger towards yourself because of some unresolved issue that makes you want to hurt yourself. Well, my justification meter goes off and I, you know. Immediately I say well, I don't abuse cocaine anymore, I don't do speed balls anymore, I barely drink alcohol or smoke pot anymore. Drink alcohol or smoke pot anymore, you know, I mean, all I have left is food. But the truth of the matter is food is just as much of an addiction as any of the other things that I just mentioned. Anything that is causing harm to yourself and you do it on a continuum really does take you back to exactly what Prembaba said that there's something inside, something unresolved, resolved, that makes you want to do that.

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Now in recent months I have definitely. You know I'm at the place where I've recognized that that is, it's kind of like a default of mine when something happens. It used to be, you know, back in the day. We would drink when we first came together because you know we were having a party, and then it would be, you know, we would drink because we were being social. Then it would be we are drinking because it's the weekend, we are drinking because it's the weekend or we're having a drink to let the stress down of the day, and so these things become the default. Everything that you do becomes attached to. Well, we drink when we do that, you know. And as I began to recognize that in my life, those things started fading away.

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And I've noticed over the last couple of months as things get more and more intense on my journey, because you know it's nitty-gritty time, it's time to go. It's go time, teresa Marie. It's time to take these lessons and help humanity. And I feel like I'm on the very edge of that diving board or the very edge of the nest, and some days I feel like I've already been dropped out of the nest and I'm free falling and there's any level in between that right and because it's gotten a little more intense, a little bit more faith is being exercised, a little more trust. I'm not going to go back into a matrix job, so therefore it's kind of like do or die time. It's sink or swim. It's launch what you wanted to do since you were 11 and put your all in it and trust that your bills will be taken care of and that you will manage a way to go through the mastermind class and get yourself on a stage and do the things that you want to do, or you won't.

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And for me there isn't any longer a won't. It's ridiculous. It's like I've taken myself all the way to the precipice and it's just this tiny little crack that I've got to jump over to the other side, and I know that that's the case. It's really a surmountable crevice. But oh buddy, my old man, my ego, my program self is having conniption fits and I have noticed over the last two months that I have gravitated back towards two tall twisted tees and a little mini can of Pringles. I mean really great stuff for my body, right and um.

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When we're on this journey it's kind of like all right, so do you let yourself spin out and just go further down that spiral, or do you recognize it now? Now it's like consciously, yep, yep. I'm literally talking to myself, I'm talking to the divine, and I'm saying to myself, yep, I am, I'm doing this, yep, I know I shouldn't, but I'm doing to the divine and I'm saying to myself, yep, I am, I'm doing this, I yep, I know I shouldn't, but I'm doing it anyway, and I'm, I'm getting these teas. And, and that's what I did last night. I went and I sat on a beach all by myself, all by myself, don't want to be, and. And that's where I was. I was in that.

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The spinner, the victim loop, the oh, the Bette Midler song always comes back to me and I am all alone. There is no one here beside me and my problems all have grown. There is no one to deride me and that's all a big lie and I'm well aware of that. But I also have become aware because of the Enneagram, and I am an eight, a very, very obvious eight, and my downside is addictive behavior. I've told you that.

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You know, one of my favorite Tom McDonald songs is I'm a believer, I believe. Well, you know, spirit, years ago, told me no one day, and it was like ago told me no one day, and it was like man, what a smack in the face as I was stuffing whatever it was in my mouth again probably a carb or ice cream. And I'm sharing these things because maybe you do the same thing and maybe you didn't think about it in the ways that I'm sharing it. And I was in the midst of stuffing whatever it was in my mouth and I heard very clearly in the tune of Tom McDonald's song I'm a consumer, I consume. I'm a consumer, I consume. And I realized and as I was putting that bread with butter in my mouth or whatever it was, I was like, yep, that's me, I.

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You know, I mitigate the intensity of my life by going to my addictive side of my Enneagram triangle. And now it's like wow, now I recognize that. So my friend Sandy, who is an incredible healer and has quite a story to tell I'm going to interview her in the next week or so, but she's the one that introduced me to the Enneagram and I've been doing a little bit of training about Enneagrams and it's been an amazing journey. But much like sometimes my audience feels about this podcast, it's a love-hate relationship and I'm like you know. Thank you, sandy, so much for showing me the Enneagram. Oh my God, sandy, why did you show me this Enneagram stuff? Because then you know, it's the Pandora's box concept again. Once it's open you can't not see it.

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And so, seeing some of these behaviors and defaults that I'm doing, you know, and so that's where I was last night and I let it happen because I recognized that, as the controller eight that I am, I gravitated toward that addictive behavior. But then, as I was in the process of sitting there drinking that tea, all by myself, oh, and it was very cool, you know, one side of the sky was completely black and rain was starting to come and there was lots of heat lightning. The other side of the sky, on the right, was the moon, the full moon that kept getting covered up and uncovered by the clouds, and you know the word pictures right before me and the tides coming in. It was very tumultuous and very violent waves and it literally was a depiction of what was going on inside my soul. And just for those of you that are on this journey with me and if you're listening to Fritidious Be, I know that you're on the awakening journey and you long to be free, isn't it quite the intensity? Isn't this deprogramming stuff a freaking trip, the trip of a lifetime, and isn't it? You know, sometimes you do, you want to get off, you want to get off the ride. And speaking of that, I was given you know, as I went through that let me finish the beach part.

Speaker 1:

So I recognized that, yes, I was on my default and I was on my addictive side of my Enneagram and that was all very, very true. But I also recognize that, being such a controller, I have a difficult time releasing these negative loops that I bring myself into. And even though I'm doing Tai Chi Gong and doing the movements, I've been noticing more and more how much tension I still carry in my body. And awareness is the biggest tool that we have on this ascension journey, on this transformation, on this deprogramming that we are walking ourselves out of. Awareness is key, and sometimes the greatest step that you take on this transformation journey is literally just becoming aware. And then you know sitting with that for a while before you go to the next step. And so I was aware that you know, like when I do my Tai Chi Gong now, I'm very conscious of areas in my body that I'm holding, I'm tensing up still. So that's the physical aspect.

Speaker 1:

Well, last night I recognized, you know, as the tears began to well, and I realized that for a week now they were right there at the surface and my control, freak, was like no, I have to be stoic, I have to keep moving, I have to keep going forward, when everything in me was saying let it go, let it go, let go, and let God, let it go, let it go. And it's hard. It's hard becoming the new you. It's hard entering into new ways of being. It's the hardest journey that we'll ever take. And yet do we really want to stay on the merry-go-round? And so it was very, very cool to know what I was going through and just being the observer, watching myself sitting on that beach by myself and replaying those tapes of being alone, and at the same time, my higher self, in between my own ears, was saying no, you know that that's not true. And I know that. I know that it's not true, sorry. And I'm still having to go through it. And that's what it's like. It's this one step forward, three steps back, four steps forward, two steps back, and we have to just love ourselves through it. And so you know, just love ourselves through it. And so you know. Finally, the tears were gone and my eyes were good and swollen and the tea was gone and I got back in my car and made my way home and woke up this morning and this is what Spirit said do you remember coming in? And I, you know you can look back. I've talked about excuse me, I've got this frog in my throat this morning. I've talked in former episodes about having a lucid dream and literally seeing myself choose how I was going to come in. And the Divine took me back there this morning as I was awakening I was still in between sleep and full awareness and he said I'm going to give you a picture. And the picture was just picture.

Speaker 1:

Coming onto Earth, teresa and you were shown an amusement park and you were told you can pick one of the rides to go on when you arrive on planet Earth. And the first ride is whimsical and predictable, safe and secure. It has a beginning and an end and it's safe and it has a steady pace and it's revolving and classic and nostalgic and circular and wooden and painted, and you could choose that ride and, of course, that ride always returns you to the same place and that ride, of course, is the merry-go-round. Or you could choose the other ride, which is unpredictable and untethered and random, and it's a never-ending adventure. It's wild and fast and bumpy and intense and thrilling, and exhilarating, and breathtaking and dizzying and adrenaline pumping and hair-raising, and sudden and loopy and twisty and even gravity-defying. And of course, course, that's the roller coaster.

Speaker 1:

And I, as I'm fully waking up, I thought to myself oh my god, I chose it, I chose the roller coaster. But the thing, the thing is choosing the roller coaster, it it's not like the merry-go-round. The merry-go-round is the loop-de-loop. And I recognized at that moment that my rollercoaster ride, which is never-ending and it's just like Michael De La Rocca talks about, you know, destination unknown, you don't know where it's going to take you or where you're going to end up, but you know that it's going to be better than the merry-go-round. Right, and it hit me that I am on the roller coaster of life, but on that roller coaster there is a lever and that lever will take you into the loop-de-loop, the cul-de-sac, like the Hot Wheels track, loop-de-loop-de-loop. And that's where I went last night, the familiar loop-de-loop. And now I am back on.

Speaker 1:

And it's so funny because classically, what will happen is after you come out of the loop-de-loop, because classically, what will happen is, after you come out of the loop-de-loop, you level out for a while, it's just straight track for a little bit, because the divine is so kind and so forgiving and says oh brother, man, she did it again. All right, let's just give her some breathe time, let's just give her some breathe time, let's just give her some awareness time, let her figure it out before we go on the next curve or before we climb up that hill. Because, yes, we're going to leave her hard at the top and we're going to go down to Death Valley again. And I would not choose differently. Ever, ever, ever, ever.

Speaker 1:

And I am so sad for those that literally choose to come in and live a vanilla, same, same life. But all of us, all of us, are being asked. Now. There are no, no rocks unturned. There's not a single human being in Humanityville that isn't going to be challenged to get the F off the merry-go-round, because the merry-go-round is dissolving, the matrix is being dismantled, we are going into a new earth and the new earth is requiring new humans being Not going up and down and round and around. No, we are humans, being our true, authentic selves, and everybody has to go through the roller coaster adventure of evolution.

Speaker 1:

And I just want to let you know that you are not alone in this journey. Your self-hatred programs as you uncover your defaults, your ways of coping, and you sit with them. And then you get to have that choice again Is this serving me, do I want it in my life, or can I walk away on a walk away Wednesday and decide that I want to enter into a new way of being? And then you got to be patient with yourself because again it's that one step forward, two step back concept. We do the shuffle, we do the ascension shuffle. Right, we have to love ourselves enough to say today is a brand new day.

Speaker 1:

I am not my past, I am not my mistakes, I am not the twisted tea Teresa hippie freak of the South. I am Teresa Marie, the traveling ambassador of Chi, learning how to continually clear out her channels, empty her cup so that the divine can fill it up, so that I can send out my light like a laser beam through this microphone and eventually to crowds of people, so that my light can touch their light and together we can burn brighter and brighter and bring a lot more people home to the love and light that they are brighter and bring a lot more people home to the love and light that they are. And we are in this together. And I want to close with a Joe Dispanza quote that I heard recently. He said that we're not here to chase but to become.

Speaker 1:

You know, I have been doing a lot of chasing. I have. I've told you that I'm not, I'm not ever going to punch a clock again. I refuse to punch a clock. I refuse to be on a man who runs a company his time clock. I absolutely refuse. I will either leave the planet with nothing to my name, happy as a lark, or I will ascend and rise like the phoenix and make an incredible living doing what I love and that is what lights me up is sharing the light and seeing people come back inside to who they are. If I can do that for one person, then everything that I've gone through has been worth it.

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My mission here on earth is to see as many people, as rapidly as possible, come back to bliss. And what is bliss? There is this place. There is a dimension of pure love and light, which is who we are and those of us on the planet most of us, I would suggest chose to be here at this time, at this place, because our light is so bright that we're here to help others. And I'm not going to lie. I mean, last night I literally was saying to the divine man I just want to go back to bliss. I am so tired of this journey it's freaking hard and I'm just so tired of becoming. I'm so tired of chasing money, and yet money is energy and it is necessary on this planet. And so each day, I learn to stop chasing and learn to become that abundant person who I know can manifest, just like Jesus did Remember he fed 5,000 with how many loaves and fishes, right? He came to show us we had the same power, oh. But people don't want to recognize that part, they just want to. And well, we won't go there today, but anyway, the other part of that quote of Joe's not here to chase, but to become, oh, the becoming. What a journey it is to become right. The other part says not here to wish, you are here to embody, wow.

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And what does embody mean? To give tangible or visible form to an idea, a quality or a feeling. It suggests that something abstract is being represented in a concrete way, often through a person or an object. I am here to embody freedom, for example, and I am exemplifying that every time I come behind the microphone, in real time, I'm sharing with you how difficult, how messy, how painful, how I freaking want to just stop this evolution journey, which, of course, I can't. But I can share what I'm going through. I can be the embodiment of what freedom, what it looks like to evolve right.

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What else does embody mean? To represent or express something in tangible form. What does tangible mean? Something that can be touched or felt. It's clear and real, the opposite of an idea or a dream. I am embodying the life that I have seen since I was 11 years old. Now, if I fully embodied it, I would already be on stages in front of thousands of people motivating them to come back to the light. I have not fully embodied that idea, that dream that's been with me since I was 11, because I'm evolving into that embodiment, does that make sense To be an example of, to personify? That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm showing others that maybe have just cracked the surface of this evolutionary process, that maybe they've just woken up to the fact that there's this big red pill that says this is all an illusion and your job is to move back those curtains and find yourself Nobody's going to do it for you, and it's a freaking scary thing when that happens and I'm here to say, hey, take my hand.

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Listen to some of my podcasts, find others on the internet that are talking about this ascension journey. Some of them are going to talk more about the science. Some of them are going to talk about the physical attributes, the things that you're going to go through, the symptoms in your body. Some of them are going to literally talk about the quantum aspects of it. Some of us, like me, teresa Marie, the ambassador of Chi, an ambassador, somebody that is, with honor, bringing to you the truth that there is more than breathing oxygen. We're breathing the very life, the life force that created us, that we are one with. I am honored to bring that truth to humanity. That's why I call myself a traveling ambassador of Chi. Wherever I go, I want to personify, I want to embody that aspect of my journey, and the Latin of embody is in body, literally to put into a body. So my mission is literally becoming who I've always known I was to be, and what I'm called to do is show others how I'm walking through it, because maybe it will help another along. And that's what we're all here for, humanity we're all here to help one another.

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So where are you at on your journey today and as we close down a week? What will you sit with this weekend? Will you take some time to be in nature? Will you take some time to pause and ponder, to have some Sela moments where you decide where you are on this ascension journey? Have you just begun? Are you halfway? Where do you think you are? Humanity? And just know that, the former hippie freak of the South, and just know that, the former hippie freak of the South who is now embodying Teresa Marie, the ambassador of Chi, she loves you and she's here to share her life stories, because maybe it will inspire you to begin to share yours, because there's nobody like you, there's nobody like me. We have unique voices and unique places on this journey of becoming. I want you to pat yourself on the back today. I want you to applaud yourself, because we are freaking, courageous humans on this planet called Earth and we are in the most difficult schooling ever and we chose to come and do it. So pat yourself on the back and know how much you're loved, and I give you