144. The Real Cost of Worrying What People Think

Have you ever caught yourself spiraling about what someone might be thinking about you?

Your boss…your clients…other SLPs…even your friends or family?

I’ve been there—recently, actually—and in this episode, I’m walking you through what that spiral actually costs you (hint: it’s more than just your peace of mind). More importantly, I’ll show you how to get out of it so you can make decisions that actually align with you.

What You’ll Learn

• Why trying to figure out what other people think is a losing game (and always will be)
• Subtle ways this habit keeps you stuck, second-guessing, and out of alignment
• A powerful mindset shift that instantly takes your energy back
• Use comparison productively instead of spiraling into “compare and despair”
• How to start making decisions based on your values, not someone else’s lens

If This Resonates:

If you’re tired of overthinking every decision and feeling stuck in your own head, I’d love to help you work through this.

📌 Book a free 1:1 consult → https://www.theresaharp.com/contact

Or come hang out with us in my free Facebook group: Time Management for the Busy SLP

Resources & Links

📌 Book a free 1:1 consult → https://www.theresaharp.com/contact

👥 Join the FB group → Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists

Keywords

ADHD overthinking, worrying what people think, SLP burnout, executive dysfunction, decision making anxiety, comparison trap, productivity coaching for SLPs, work-life balance for SLPs

Progress over perfection, always.

To find out how I can help you improve your work-life balance, click here.

Come join Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists on Facebook for more tips and tricks!

Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.

Transcript

Hey, SLPs, welcome back to the podcast or if you're watching this in the Facebook group. Hello. Uh, this is not live. This is a recording that I'm making, but using in both places in the group and on the podcast. So, today's episode is completely unscripted off the cuff, and I'm gonna do my best to make it not rambly.

And make sure that there is value here for you if you're listening or watching. Okay. The general focus of today's episode is about what happens when we get stuck in worrying what other people think, and some tips for how to get over. That when you are stuck in worrying about other people's [00:01:00] opinions.

Okay. So if you've ever struggled with or found yourself like harping on what did, what did what this person said to me or what I think they were thinking, what I imagine they would say to me or they would say about me or, um. You know, what's, what are my friends and family thinking about my, you know, decision to start a private practice?

Or what is my administration thinking about my, you know, late, late reports or what are my clients thinking in my private practice as I am, you know, setting boundaries and holding them? Then. If any of that has like caught you up and got you stuck and you're in that trap, then this episode is for you because you will understand what the, like, what the downfall is of this, besides just how annoying and, and frustrating it is, but like what this actually [00:02:00] result in for us and some strategies to get through it.

So. This is inspired most recently by a family situation with one of my kids where she was going through my, one of my girls is going through the, you know, the tween stage, right where things are feeling a little bit. Challenging with friends and she's feeling more self-conscious and worrying and wondering what other people are thinking.

Okay. That's what brought it top of mind recently. However, I of course have had personal and professional experience with this, and this comes up to some degree in every single coaching session. Every single time I coach. A client, SLP or not [00:03:00] on, you know, hitting their goals and work-life balance. At some point in that session, we will touch on what other people are thinking.

Okay. And then I'm also gonna share another, like a, another reason why this is top of mind for me right now. And this one is a little bit more vulnerable, but like, full disclosure, I had a, I'm gonna try and figure out how to describe this without, um, you know. Violating anybody's privacy. But there was a client that I had worked with and this client and I worked closely together for a long time, and, and this was lots of time has passed, so like I'm kind of on the other side of this, but ultimately when that.

P that the, the, the final coaching period ended. This client decided not to renew, [00:04:00] and I really never heard back, like heard from this person again. And I like to keep in touch with clients that I've coached and families who I've treated. Right. Um, and so I just always felt like there was maybe something a little bit off there and.

Long story short, I, I recently was reading something that this person, this client, former client had shared, and it was about their coach and how much and how wonderful their coach. They're coaches. They're now coaches. Right? And again, lots of time has passed between when I worked with this client and now, and this is absolutely no.

Like sh has nothing to do with the client. This is all about me, right? And my like, my reactions to that. I started. Like I, I saw it and I just started, I wouldn't say spiraling, but I started really slowing down and like getting a bit [00:05:00] stuck on, well, wait a second. Like, what does this coach have that I don't have?

And like, what does this coach know that I don't know? And, and, you know. Like that. I was going into that place and then I started kind of comparing myself to other coaches who I know and wondering like how I compare, and I don't like to get stuck in comparison in the comparison trap. Like what? What I'll call compare and despair because.

It almost always leads me further from my goals, right? It doesn't, it, it rarely adds value or growth for me, and I've recorded podcast episodes about this before, but I will say one distinction is if and when my brain starts going to comparison. The, the one healthy way that I will use that [00:06:00] is by recognizing that this is information.

Like I'll notice that, that it's happening for my brain, and I'm like, Ooh, okay, that's interesting. Like I'm comparing myself to this person. I wonder what that's about. Like why am I doing that? Right? What. What's behind the comparison, and if it's something that somebody else has done, achieved, like a result that they have that I don't have, I'm going to look at why, like and from a place of growth.

Okay. That's how I use it purposely. That's how I'm like, okay, so here's the result that this person created. This person achieved this goal? How did they do it? What were they thinking? What were they? What actions were they taking? What things were they willing to do? What emotions and were they willing to feel like what was going on here?

[00:07:00] From my best perspective that I can learn from and apply. So if you are ever finding yourself stuck in that comparison, whether it's, you know, with another clinician or with another maybe private practice owner or small business owner, or whatever way it is for you, right? Another mom, this is a big one.

Like comparing, you know, motherhood across like motherhood journeys and how people parent and, yeah. Oh my gosh, right? So if you ever find yourself going there, notice that it's happening, and look at why is it useful to do this. Like what, if anything, can you learn from that person's journey that will support you?

And what from that person's journey do you need to recognize and acknowledge as a difference? So that you're not comparing your like first chapter [00:08:00] to somebody else's, you know, last chapter. Right? So again, those, that's just some information, some hopefully some guidance about how. Comparison and thinking about and like worrying or wondering about what other people are doing or thinking how you can use that, how you can do that productively and usefully.

But it takes a lot of self-control and self-awareness to be able to do this. Okay, now back to. Well, I take that, that was a little bit of a tangent, but, but related, it is relevant to the topic that we're talking about today, which is about what other people think. Other people's opinions. Other people's opinions of you, of your, your work as a clinician of your private practice that you own, like whatever that is.

Okay. So I have learned. Like for me, one of the biggest aha [00:09:00] moments was when I learned that I can never truly with a hundred percent certainty know what somebody else is thinking, even if that person tells me what they are thinking. I mean, then I can, I can, I will choose to believe it right at that point.

But even so, like even if they say what they're thinking, what they, what their opinion is, there is always a chance that how they actually feel what they're actually thinking is not true, right? It's like when you ask somebody, does this dress look good on me? And they say, yes, but you're not really believing the yes or something about it that maybe is making you question, Ooh, did they actually give me an honest answer?

Or are they just trying not to hurt my feelings? Right? So. Once I recognized how that information meaning other people's opinions, I will never know for sure. I see that. Then I began to see that it is a [00:10:00] complete waste of time to spend my energy, attention and focus on others and what they are thinking. I also.

Have said to myself, if so and so. Is has opinions because people are gonna have opinions no matter what about what you do, what you don't do, whether you're succeeding or you are failing. People will judge. People will have opinions, people will comment. So if people are gonna comment no matter what, if people are gonna have opinions no matter what, then you might as well do what's going to align with you, your goals, and what matters to you.

Right. Why bother trying to cater to other people and their opinions and, and what matters to them when, right. You may never be living up to whatever [00:11:00] expectation they have or don't have. They may criticize even if you do what you think they want you to do. Right. I also have learned that, and this is another key.

Like this is a key aha moment. Like this was another thing that changed everything for me. In addition to recognizing that I can never know for sure what other people are thinking. Also, I have learned that we, every individual is viewing the world through their own lens. Everybody is viewing the world.

Through their filter. The way that they see it, the way that they see the world is based on their beliefs, their experiences, their lived experiences. Right. What has [00:12:00] been, what they have learned from the environment or what has been explicitly taught to them? What matters to them, what they believe in. I think I said that one already.

What they value and. Like it is, it is completely through their own perspective and no two people are viewing the world through the exact same lens. So when I started to imagine, like I actually picture and other people wearing a set of lenses and I picture them. Running through their, like they're, they're living their experience through that lens.

Now we can change our lenses at any time. We have the ability to do that. It's such a powerful skill. It's something that I do in coaching with my coaching clients. It's something that I can do with myself that is incredibly helpful. To be able to challenge yourself and your [00:13:00] perception of the world. But most people who are walking around are walking around completely unaware that the way that they see the world is just the way that they see the world.

They believe that that is right, that they believe that that is like, this is right, this is wrong. This is okay. This is not okay. This is how it should be done. This is how it shouldn't be done. And I'm not saying that that. There's a problem with that, with viewing the world a certain way. The problem becomes when you don't realize that you are viewing the world a certain way, when you don't realize that everything that you view, experience, and experience, you interpret it through your own lens.

And that other people have different lenses than you do. So if you don't realize that, you will continue [00:14:00] to judge other people, right? And you will continue to worry what other people are thinking about you. And so sometimes in coaching calls when clients, SLPs will say to me, you know, I submitted, um. Okay.

I got a new client referral in my practice and I'm trying to decide if I should take this client on or not. And we, I do, I coach a lot of LPs on this, on those who own private practices, I coach them. One of the things we often coach on is who are the clients that you love to treat? Like, who are the clients you really wanna serve and that you're best at serving?

And how can we get those clients on your caseload and the others like. If you don't, if they're not your, if that's not your jam, then that's okay. Like there's somebody else who is able to work with that client. Right? Um, there's such beauty in that. So what I had, [00:15:00] I had recently coached an SLP who had gotten a bunch of new referrals recently in her, in her private practice.

She's the owner and the sole provider. And we were going through. These referrals with what we had created. Was a decision making framework where, and we had coached on this, you know, this was a goal of hers, was to be able to fill her practice with her best, like most aligned clients, and to offload or discharge or like outsource and, and refer out those who she was.

Not the best fit for. And so we, in that coaching, we had come up with a framework where we had specific questions that she would ask herself when she got a new referral and run through. Run that referral through those questions. So for example, um, you know, is this a, what we call, like what we described as a low lift, meaning a client where it's not gonna be a lot of [00:16:00] extra outreach work, like extra legwork and stuff that's happening outside of the session, right.

Where, I mean, yes, we can set boundaries and, and hold boundaries and all of that, but like even so, um, sometimes there are clients where, you know, right, where there are clients that are a little bit more demanding, maybe struggle to, to follow the boundaries, and then you have to really enforce and then you know, you're dealing with a headache.

Right? So are these is. Is this client, this referral, a low lift client, um, is the, the caregiver because this is a pediatric SLP and she works with the caregivers. So what is, what would the dynamic be like with the caregiver, as best you can tell, right? What is the, what are the needs of this student or this patient?

What are the needs, um, that you feel. Equipped to manage, right? So we are, we're like running through the filter, we're running through this, [00:17:00] these referrals through the filter. And what was coming up. One of the things that was coming up was like, well, but I, I don't wanna tell them no. Like, what are they going to think if I am?

Referring them out somewhere else and saying that I'm not the best fit. Right? What will they think? And then there were a couple other patients who were on her caseload for a contracting role that she had, and she wanted to work, work on like a discharge plan and timeline. But she felt like before she could really begin that process, she needed to talk with the other service providers that were in the home for the family, you know, for these two patients and see what their thoughts were.

And so anytime somebody's delegating a decision to, based on like what other people's thoughts are, I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. [00:18:00] If you are going to base your decision on the conversation with, say, the OT who's in the home, you have to know that the OT is giving you her opinion through her lens.

What if her lens is completely different than your lens that you're viewing things through? Right now, we have a disconnect. Right, and I, I remember one time. This is why I love coaching so much because I remember one time I wanted help talking through a decision about something. I wanted to know if I should double up and take two coaching courses at the same time, or just spread out my training and go one and then the other.

I promise this will make sense in a second. And when I started to talk to somebody about it to try to work through it, that person started to give me their opinion and I was like, oh, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. Sorry, I don't want you to tell me what you [00:19:00] think I should do, and I don't, I don't want you to tell me what you would do.

I just wanna talk it through so that I can figure out what the best choice is for me, because I'm the one that lives with that decision, right? Just like you and, and the client that I was talking about before. My, the private practice owner who was getting new referrals, running them through her framework.

This will be the, this client will be on your caseload. Right? So you need to feel really solid on your decision. Now, can we ever say with a hundred percent certainty that the decisions that that we're making are a hundred percent correct? No. And I don't think decisions are a hundred percent correct or a hundred, a hundred percent incorrect.

Like that's a whole other topic, but. We can make the best decisions that we can guided by what matters most to us, and then evaluate the outcome of that decision and learn from it. So when you get [00:20:00] stuck worrying about what other people think, you are wasting your time. You are wasting your energy. You are just giving it away.

Like you're just like, like, I don't know if you, if you've seen that gif in like your phone where it's like the little girl, it's like an old school gif. It's like a little kid like taking like handfuls of money and throwing it out the window. Like that's what you're doing with your time and your energy when you worry about what other people think.

It slows you down. It gets you stuck in analysis paralysis. It gets you stuck in insecurity, right? It costs way more, and then you have to. Deal with the fallout of that because if you base your decision on what you think someone else wants you to do, or what someone else's opinion is of you, you're gonna be making [00:21:00] decisions that don't feel aligned with who you are and what you want in this world.

The kind of private practice that you want, the kind of SLP that you wanna be, the kind of mom that you wanna be, the kind of partner that you wanna be. So, and then we wonder like, why do we feel so miserable? Why do we so feel overwhelmed? Why do we feel so out of balance? Those are the reasons why.

Certainly not the only reason, right? But that is absolutely part of it. So my challenge for you is to, next time you notice your brain going towards what somebody else is thinking. Unless you're going to flat out ask them, which sometimes you can do that and get that information and then move through it, right?

But if you're just gonna stay stuck and like wonder what they're thinking and har, and again, obsess over it, harp over it, like what they are thinking. Either ask them [00:22:00] or get yourself, coach yourself through. Listen to this podcast episode again. Watch this recording Again, ask yourself, why does somebody else's opinion matter more than my own?

Why does somebody else's opinion of me matter more than my own opinion of me? And if this is something that you want some support with, as always, I will include the link in the show notes or in the Facebook group to book a free consult, and I will walk you through exactly how you can overcome that loop.

Getting stuck and worrying about what everybody else is thinking and how you get to move forward. Worrying only about what you think and what you want, book a call and I will show you how. Alright, that's it for today's episode. Hope this was helpful and I will talk [00:23:00] with You'all soon.