Ep#119 Tending to the Mind

Don't accept being stuck with an under-performing and fragile brain.

Practice these simple exercises to gain more mastery over burnout. Replace the societal focus on over-achievement with productive authenticity to tune up your human potential and results. The simple act of releasing limiting inner voices speeds up burnout recovery.

Discover how you have more power than you think over your work experience.

Show Notes:
Ep13 Other People's Opinions
Ep117 Tending to the Soul 

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Hello my friends, this is Dex and welcome to this week's episode on Tending to the Mind. And you might have spotted this Tending to series that I'm running at the moment. And not by accident, it started with tending to the soul. Because without the soul, we're nothing. And excruciatingly in burnout, we forgo the soul.

[00:00:45] It gets eroded, crushed, shoved aside. It dwindles, and we don't care for it properly. We can't see how to feed it from our embittered and reduced state. And in the general run of exhaustion, our eyes roll back on our heads and we just stop trying. And I think this is a very grievous wound for any mortal to suffer.

[00:01:07] And when I think of us losing our mojo in burnout or having a flame out, I'm talking first about the soul. So if your soul is battered and if you haven't listened to episode 117 of this podcast on Tending to the Soul, you might like to do that because I can hardly bear to think of anyone's soul running out of puff, personally.

[00:01:31] And naturally, a soul revival is available. There's actually one parked up waiting for you right now. And come and talk to me about that if you want it. I really wish I could have inserted a classic soul backing track here. But anyway, that's about the soul. So if you've had that primer come back, now we're talking about, in the meantime, we talked about the body last week, and now we're talking about the mind.

[00:01:57] So if this is for you, if you are often anxious, stressed, exhausted, angry, frustrated, despairing of life, and all of the dear critters that are in it. Because we tend not to be very discriminating when we don't feel very good. And of course, if you are angry and exhausted and pissed off with things, we could also include a lot of external things that don't even matter, like leaf blowers parking.

[00:02:22] And in fact, the state of the nation. Oh, wait, that does matter. But anyway, if you were in any of these anxious, stressed, exhausted, frustrated, despairing states, then you probably need a few running repairs to your mind, probably well overdue, in fact. So stay with me. I've got a few ideas for you today.

[00:02:41] And when you uplift your mind, you uplift your soul too, and your body. So what we're looking for here really is for hope to return and you know, the occasional twinkle of enjoyment in your eye. Hmm? Miss that? Yeah. Okay, let's look back in time for a moment at our human brain and how it got to be this tangled up.

[00:03:06] So really when we consider that our biggest learning year as humans is from zero to one year old. And during the first seven years of our life we learn a whole ton more, but we lack any critical, analytical faculties. So what we do is we absorb every single piece of information as indisputable fact.

[00:03:29] It's just the way things are. So really it's a miracle that any of us can still stand up, let alone go out and try to be good humans in the world. You know, TV, social media, and so on. In fact, by 18 years old, the average American kid would have seen 16, 000 fake murders. and 200, 000 fake acts of violence.

[00:03:53] And each day they process thousands of ad messages largely about junk food and drink. Anyway, let's move on. Let's not get stuck there. So your mind essentially is full of very many useful things. Skills, experience and knowledge that you've worked very hard over your lifetime to acquire. I mean, you'd miss it, if it was gone, wouldn't you?

[00:04:19] But it's also full of garbage. A lot of unuseful stuff that most of you probably regard by this time as the cast iron truth about things for the aforementioned reasons. You soaked them up when you were young, no critical faculties, you just believe everything. So how do we, given that that's the state of things, 

[00:04:42] How do we rest in natural great peace, this exhausted mind, beaten helpless by karma and neurotic thought, like the relentless fury of the pounding waves, in the infinite ocean of samsara. That was written by that noted wag, Nyosho Kempo Rinpoche. So how do we rescue our exhausted minds? I'm going to run through a few points here, but, first of all, back to basics.

[00:05:12] Point number one, how we rescue our minds, is the magic of neuroplasticity. The mind's ability to change its own thoughts, habits, and response patterns. It's a really very good value brain feature. Active until your death, right? Right up until death, we can still change our minds. At any time, you can simply choose to stop believing old troublesome beliefs, thus weakening that neural network in your brain, and start practicing believing a new belief.

[00:05:44] Invest your energy into that and generate a new neural network. And what happens is that over time that becomes your default. It becomes a new habit of thought pattern. So you can do that any time by choice. Because what fires together, wires together, is actually how the brain works. So if you have a thought or an old belief that's not serving you, for sure trade it in for a new one.

[00:06:10] You just need to be willing to stop believing the old thought and start believing a new one and take that practice. So my first tip is make use of your neuroplasticity. And here's some of the ways that you can do that. So my second Tip is self coaching. And it might surprise some people that I start with this but really self coaching is what saved my bacon when my soul was as flat as a tack in burnout.

[00:06:37] The self coaching process that I teach and that I use with my clients It's called The Self Coaching Model, and it's by Brooke Castillo, and it's based on Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT, i. e., it's based on how the mind actually works and processes things. But I think interestingly, in my case, CBT never really used to work for me prior to meeting this self coaching model but once I learned it in the context of the self coaching model, it turned out to be very powerful indeed in changing the painful experiences I had in my life into neutral or even positive experiences.

[00:07:21] And the self coaching model can do that in just a few minutes of practice. It's really quite simple. So the self coaching model allowed me to see a couple of things with a new clarity. And the first one was, it allowed me to see how I was contributing to my own suffering, how I was making it worse by placing a more negative interpretation on events, people, work, conversations.

[00:07:51] I was painting things black from my feelings of doom and gloom and really all I was doing there was creating even more gloom. So that's the first thing. The second thing that I realized was therefore that I could reduce my suffering simply by choosing to interpret what happened in a different way.

[00:08:14] That would be more favorable to me. And then, if I can think of a thought that would create a better outcome for me, I can just act as if that new thought is true. Because my new positive or happy thought is precisely as true as my old gloomy thought. Because truth is subjective. I can believe anything I like.

[00:08:38] For example, if somebody called me out in a meeting about a mistake that they think I made, and I feel stupid, right? I could be angry at him, or I could be grateful because he saved me continuing down a path that wasn't going to be successful for me. There's two ways of saying the same thing. And the actions that I take from feeling grateful, that grateful thought, are likely to bring a better result for me than the actions I take from anger.

[00:09:11] Maybe that makes sense for you. Maybe you can apply that to something that's happened in your day. And I think the truly great thing about this is it really shortens the amount of time that I suffer from anger. So if the anger kicks off and I self coach on the spot, I can flip very quickly into gratitude.

[00:09:30] Not airbrushed on gratitude, my life is wonderful, but a rational, well argued, genuine gratitude that I can believe in. And then , when I do believe in it, I get this feeling of okay ness in my chest, the anger's gone, and I feel my own power. I genuinely feel gratitude inside me. In just a few moments, I've created that for myself.

[00:09:53] And then instead of stewing in anger for hours or days, telling everybody the terrible thing that's happened, stoking the fire, regenerating the anger, instead of doing that, I can just feel grateful and walk away smiling. Because when we think about it, who suffers when I'm angry? Not the other bloke, right?

[00:10:16] He's long gone. It's my liver that I'm eating up with my own anger. So, if I change that, really I'm improving my own situation, probably nobody else is affected. Except potentially the person I walk up to next. So if I could only teach you one thing, it will be self coaching because it gives you a tool to uplift your experience right in the moment and feel more calm, peace, joy, enthusiasm, gratitude at will, whenever you want to.

[00:10:51] So this is rather than being a victim to your negative response to what other people are doing. So this is a method I teach pretty early on in my coaching, so that people can rescue themselves from emotions they don't want to feel in the first place. So that's two. My second tip, self coach. Self coach people! I entreat you, your life will be easier and more pleasant.

[00:11:15] And my third tip , another powerful idea, is to depersonalize what people say to you If you have never listened to episode 13 of the podcast, it's called Other People's Opinions. Subtitle is How To Feel Better If Your Feelings Are Hurt By What Other People Are Saying. Then please listen to episode 13.

[00:11:39] It's going to lighten your people problems, your fear of judgment, and also help you reduce self criticism. So I'm putting these episodes I'm mentioning in the show notes. But the gist of it , on other people's opinions, is when people judge you, or when you think people are judging you, what they're really telling you is about their own beliefs and values.

[00:11:59] And so if we refer back to all those learnings we made in the first seven years of our life, that's what we're talking about here.

[00:12:06] And mostly, in those first seven years, what we learn is the only way to be a good human. Our parents teach us this, right? The only way to be a good human is this. Don't do that, you mustn't do that, do this. But, you know, guess what? This other person who's judging you, they learned a whole different way of being a good human than you did.

[00:12:27] And the two of you are never going to agree on that. And this applies even if you have the same parents. Because each kid in the family has a different role, they will have a different appreciation or understanding of what a successful human looks like based on that role.

[00:12:45] So what they're really saying , this other person who you feel is judging you, what they're really saying is, your behavior doesn't align with their values. Well, you know. There's about 8 billion people in the world, so how could it? But it doesn't need to, that's the real joy of things. Your behavior only truly has to align with your own values.

[00:13:07] That's the only possible path that any of us can take in the face of the population of the world. And if that's true, if you only have to operate by your own values, put that alongside the fact that humans spend almost all of their time thinking about themselves. What that really means is You can ignore the emotional load of most criticism and judgment you receive, and attend only to the factual parts of it that need correction.

[00:13:39] Because it really isn't about you. Judgment and criticism from others tells you more about them than it tells you about you. So really, that's my third tip. Learn and practice how to depersonalize judgment and criticism. Give it a try. Do it now. The fourth tip I've got is, it's not always about doing.

[00:14:07] Society, and probably your professional education, would like us to believe that we must be super achievers to be okay, that we will be valued on the basis of our achievement. This is not true. It's not even true about getting a job or a promotion. We actually operate at our best, our most engaging and our most successful when we tend to our own soul, our body and our mind.

[00:14:37] When we strive to be authentic to our own inner voice, our inner guide. When we tend to our pain and encourage our good nature. When we indulge our passions and our wants in life and welcome ourselves to the world. With a sense of belonging to our own life. And that welcome extends out into the world. We feel then a sense of belonging in the world too.

[00:15:02] And that's when we perform at our best. Because humans make decisions, right? on how they think they're going to feel afterwards. So if you get a promotion, it'll be because someone subconsciously likes your energy. They think you'll be easy and helpful to have around, not based on your talent, but on the way that you relate with them.

[00:15:23] And they'll enjoy how they feel when they're talking with you. And that's when you're going to get the promotion. And that's really why the burnout recovery coaching process, is a transformation from human doing to human being. It's about coming home to your innate goodness and finding it enough.

[00:15:45] Finding yourself enough. Giving up this strain of performance that consumes every day right now. And really, What that means is it's looking for and finding and connecting with your good heart and your goodwill , finding it enough and treating yourself right when you contact that goodness inside you.

[00:16:10] Many, many of my clients emerge from their recovery transformation to find a lot more joy in life, work, family, activities, joy that they'd previously lost contact with, and they often get spontaneously promoted when people feel this new refreshing energy coming from them. And they go on to far greater career growth, typically, than they would otherwise have anticipated.

[00:16:39] Because being a human being, not human doing, is the way we're designed to be. We're pack animals. It's in our biology. And it makes both work and human relationships much more fun and rewarding. You're going to trust yourself instead of criticizing yourself. And that takes the fear and pain out of your human connection.

[00:17:01] People will be more fun to be around. You will be more fun to be around. And your sense of purpose will also return when you take the daily doing pressure off yourself. And the reason that the transformation from human doing to human being makes it onto my list of Tending to your mind. is you can choose to change your habits to produce this transformation.

[00:17:25] You can use neuroplasticity and self coaching to change the habits you have about being you. And you can make new choices to stop neglecting your true self. And to give your natural gifts a chance to flourish. Basically it's getting yourself back into flow with your true nature. Turns out to be the easiest way to live and also usually the most successful.

[00:17:49] And when you do this, this is where your mojo comes back. So that's my tip number four, drop the human doing thing. It really doesn't work. Tip number five, question who you are. So pulling together the ideas that I've just shared. Number one, that you learn most of your core beliefs early in life. For the first seven years of your life, people tell you who you are.

[00:18:15] What you can expect your life to be like, home, marriage, family, education, sport, religion, money, work, success, the whole thing. They teach you what they think you're capable of and what you aren't. So the first thing is, people teach you who you are and you believe them. The next one is, people decide what to do based on how they think they will feel afterwards.

[00:18:39] So, when people teach you who you are, In good faith, based on their own subconscious survival beliefs mostly, they do it to feel safe and right, so they can protect you. They might decide you'd be better off following in their footsteps, or you shouldn't reach too high and be disappointed, or that their defects are your defects, and they'll do that to seek to protect you from the pain of stepping into those defects.

[00:19:10] Well, they might require you to be better than them, to rise above their defects, again, to avoid emotional pain. They teach you to do whatever they think is protective, and not to do whatever they think will hurt you, using their subjective truth in their life. So by the time you're seven, you are who they want you to be.

[00:19:33] Or you're dying trying, or you've rebelled. But none of that is probably who you really are yourself inside. And years go by, years go by, you get into burnout, you're still trying to be that person you're still trying to fulfil your designated role in your family of origin. But if you're in burnout, well, perhaps that hasn't worked out for you.

[00:19:54] If you're not in burnout, but you are stressed, stuck, not moving forward in life, There are going to be parts of that identity that they gave you that are holding you back. But you're now an adult, right? You're an adult either way with free will. Even if you're a rather sad and deflated one. So maybe it's time to start choosing for yourself who you are.

[00:20:17] What your values and passions are. What makes you happy. And what you want out of life. And part of becoming a human being, since you probably don't know who you are at this point, and what you'd like to do if you're in burnout especially, is taking a little voyage of discovery to find out. And this is, I will point out, not a Day One exercise in burnout recovery when you're feeling too down to bother.

[00:20:44] It usually comes once you feel more energized and buoyant and ready to take on a little bit more. So if you don't know who you are and what you enjoy, don't be hard on yourself. If it sounds like a terrible idea to find out who you are, don't be hard on yourself, please. But do come and talk to me about taking the first steps in burnout recovery and start restoring your vitality, your authenticity, and feeling better in what you do.

[00:21:12] So that's my number five. Question who you really are. That's one number six, restore harmony in your mind. So if you can relate to some of the ideas I've just shared with you about who you are, about not feeling like the real you, if you're worn out with life's battles life's anxieties and stresses, If you're feeling stuck, blocked, not moving forward in life, then there is a very good remedy for that.

[00:21:37] And in my coaching, I practice a method of releasing the inner voices, the ones that tell you, you can't or shouldn't do things. The ones that stop you moving forward and keep you stuck in old habits and patterns that really you don't love. So those inner voices that stop you getting where you're going, you might hear yourself saying things like, I can never do that thing.

[00:22:03] Or, nobody will let me do that. I'll never get a better job. Nobody cares what I think. Nothing I do will make a difference. They think I can't do it. Or, I'm terrible at math or spelling or whatever it is you're terrible at. People like me, can't have a house like that. Or, I'm too dumb or I'm not athletic or I don't know how to do that.

[00:22:26] There's really endless varieties. But all of them are designed to stop you doing something you want to do in case you get hurt doing it. Almost all of them are in fact irrelevant to you as an adult. They don't work and you no longer need them. So, using this method I'm talking about, each one of them can be released from this task of shutting you down all the time.

[00:22:51] Every time you want to create something new in your life. And actually stopping those nagging voices about not doing things you want will help you in your burnout recovery. It will speed your burnout recovery. So the method I'm referring to is, is only practiced by specialist coaches, such as myself. I do use it in the burnout recovery process.

[00:23:13] And if you would like to work with releasing your inner blocks, please do come and talk with One Caution in case you wondered. This process may not be suitable for people with untreated or unresolved PTSD. But for most of us with ordinary level anxiety and stress, it's very effective. And when you do release that inner voice that's holding you back from doing new things, you release a lot of conflict within your own body, within your own system, within your own mind.

[00:23:42] So not only can you move forwards towards authenticity and towards your dreams, but you're going to be a lot less stressed on a daily basis, a lot less anxious, a lot less frustrated. And you can invite in more of the inner peace, calm, clarity, courage, decisiveness that you seek. So number six, really, that is a method we use to restore more harmony into your mind.

[00:24:14] So I've given you a few tips there. Obviously in coaching, it's all about changing your mind because the mindset you have now, if you're in burnout, is not working at its best in your favor. So let's, let's swing it much more towards what's useful to you. It's like an operating system upgrade, really, that you're fully capable of.

[00:24:34] If you're a professional, you already have the attributes that will make that a successful process. So if you are in burnout, please do come and talk to me about how to recover quickly and sustainably and get back to your best performance, leadership, success, and most of all enjoyment inside work and out.

[00:24:51] You can book an appointment to speak with me at DexRandall. com. Also really to help me reach more people in burnout. If you enjoyed this episode, please rate and review the podcast. I really do need and appreciate your support with that. If you know somebody else who's heading towards or in burnout or could relate to what I've spoken about today, please send them the link to the podcast, the Burnout Recovery Podcast, because it's packed, of course, every week with practical tips for burnout recovery.

[00:25:24] I recommend that new people listen to the first five episodes to get started. And thank you so much for being here today and listening. I value your time and attention.