Burnout Recovery
The podcast for slightly dented medics, execs and professionals seeking massive success, strong leadership and fulfilment. Weekly tips and techniques for high-achieving Type A professionals to beat burnout and restore outstanding leadership, performance and ease at work. Podcast hosted by Master Burnout Coach Dex Randall.
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Burnout Recovery
Ep#163 Powertool#8 Creating Deep Wellbeing
There's nothing more fundamental to burnout recovery than a sense of wellbeing. In burnout, you probably don't feel safe, let alone resilient?
In the Powertools podcast series you will learn many new skills to help you feel better, and in this episode we add 4 more vital tools to your toolkit.
Creating a sense of it being safe to be you, just as you are, is where wellbeing and confidence begin.
Show Notes:
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[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.
[00:00:22] Hello my friends, this is Dex and welcome to this week's episode on creating so much wellbeing that you lift your poor tired soul out of burnout and start enjoying things again, such as work, people and challenges. And you know, if you're in burnout, not before time, I think. Putting your wellbeing first is something that really has to come from you, to be owned and felt and protected and enduring.
[00:00:55] And this is not a selfish act, promoting your own wellbeing, as you might think. You actually need it to lift your quality of life. The more wellbeing you have, the more energy and enthusiasm you will enjoy, and the more spontaneously you'll feel like supporting other people. When you fill your own cup, it naturally overflows onto those around you.
[00:01:19] And you deserve to feel good, for goodness sake, you do, and to be optimally productive and successful and cherished. Yep, cherished. Not a word we often associate with burnout or with work, and hearing it when you're burning out might cause your face to crumple a bit. But I do think we all deserve to enjoy life and feel connected, valued and cared for.
[00:01:48] These are our basic human needs after all, nothing outlandish. So if your sense of wellbeing and personal flourishing, it seems like a far distant memory, listen on and let's talk about how you can get back there to a land where it's good to be you. Because that land is really only just over the horizon.
[00:02:10] To reach it, if you've been listening to the Burnout Recovery Power Tools series on the podcast, of which this is number eight of ten, how's that been going for you? Did you learn anything new? Did you hear some useful suggestions or techniques to improve your daily grind? I imagine you did, since each episode was packed full of them.
[00:02:36] But if you feel no better, I recommend you actually practice what you heard. Have a wee experiment to see if you can alter your own mood. Test the exercises out just for a few minutes every day. That's basically how they work. And complete the worksheets that come with those episodes because they alone can put you in breakthrough.
[00:03:01] Even if nothing about your job changes while you're practicing, you absolutely do have the power to experience each work day differently, simply by practicing the techniques and exercises that I'm sharing with you. Of course, I would guide you through the use of each of these power tools if I was coaching you.
[00:03:23] And of course you're welcome to come for some coaching to learn how to do that. Left to yourself, you might not want to practice at first. Being sceptical perhaps, not feeling like it, or simply too tired and fed up to bother. It's kind of normal in burnout. But one of the hardest ironies is that a person in burnout will not want to begin recovery.
[00:03:47] I do beg you just the same to give the exercises a go. Find an accountability partner to practice with, if that helps you. Feeling better is not as hard as you think, and once you start exercising a little bit more agency using the power tools, you're going to create small wins.
[00:04:08] Keep going and notice when you feel better. Compound those wins by one percent each day. Because the only way out of burnout is to behave differently than you're behaving today, and listening to the podcast will not help of itself. It's simply consuming media, a passive process. It can't, unless you practice what you learn.
[00:04:35] As I've mentioned before, if you have difficulty getting a new habit off the ground, forget New Year's resolutions, they don't work for most people, read Atomic Habits by James Clear, who shares many, many tricks to make it as quick and painless and attractive and sustainable as it can possibly be to start doing something new.
[00:05:01] He really does help, try him. All right then, wellbeing, let's get some. And the way to do this is by putting yourself first. And before you hear that and want to biff me one, let's look at why you're not doing that now if you're burning out. And the number one cause is that people in burnout are such driven high achievers.
[00:05:25] Super autonomous people as a rule who accept little or no external help. Such people see it as their duty to fix all the problems for all the people all the time. In fact they rather pride themselves on it. They're very hard workers, try to meet all demands, to impeccable standards, get everything done, never turn anyone down.
[00:05:50] An example of this, I had one client come to me, a senior physician in leadership, juggling three roles at his hospital, and considering adding a fourth, just because he'd been asked to, and no one else had put their hand up. He was shattered, burning out, depressed, and rarely seeing his family. It doesn't really make sense, right?
[00:06:14] But perhaps you can relate to this. Putting themselves first is something that professionals in burnout are ineffective at, however much they think they are doing it, and however selfish or self centered other people might consider them. The place they do put themselves first is in status, position, career progression, ambition, measurable performance metrics such as work rate and standards.
[00:06:44] They want to be at the top of the tree. But where they aren't putting themselves first is focusing on their highest value contribution; saying no to work that isn't theirs; finishing work on time; caring for their mind, body, emotions and other human needs; preserving energy and goodwill for the family and friends;
[00:07:09] silencing message notifications outside work hours; letting team members work out their own problems and delegating tasks. So really ask yourself this. Just jot down two lists. First one, where are you putting yourself first? And then after that second list, where are you not? So this is going to be in a worksheet that I will attach to this Power Tools page if you want to download it and work this out later.
[00:07:40] But really, when you've done those two lists, what you need to do is write down what isn't working for you in that current setup, and why. Listen in that answer for your own values and needs, and how you are or are not taking care of them. Where would you ideally like your time and energy to go? What are you missing out on?
[00:08:03] What professional expectations do you feel are put on you? And what expectations do you put on yourself? So, as I've said, have a look out for the Putting Yourself First worksheet that you can download free from this episode's Power Tools page that you're going to see in the show notes. The worksheets I offer are really geared to help you adjust what currently isn't working very well for you.
[00:08:29] They take only a few minutes, but they can have a huge impact. In this case, on prioritizing wellbeing.
[00:08:37] And think what lack of wellbeing is costing you. For example, your career, health, coping strategies, longevity, family relationships, enjoyment, friendship. So really the number one reason that you're not putting yourself first is you. Because that's the style of driven high achievers. Number two reason is if you, dear listener, are a woman.
[00:09:04] Sadly, in most of our cultures, women are still conditioned to take care of others, putting others' needs consistently ahead of their own. And this includes emotional labour, which is making sure that other people feel okay. If you want to add other patriarchal ills to that, women are also expected to accept every task requested at work, whether it's within their role or not.
[00:09:29] And that multiplies at home, doesn't it, where women are commonly caregivers on a logistical, practical and emotional level, not only for their children, but also their male partners and other family members. As well as having support roles in their friend circle, at school and wider community. When I coach women in burnout, setting boundaries and saying no is almost always a priority.
[00:09:55] However, I will report that many women are surprised by how well this actually works in practice. As they develop their autonomy and they assert their professionalism, just as men do, in a way that they might not have allowed themselves to do until now. And by the way, if you'd like to read an empowering book about burnout, the patriarchy and the industrial bikini complex, that book is Burnout by the Nagoski sisters.
[00:10:25] So number two reason you're not putting yourself first, because you have been socially conditioned not to, probably as a woman. Cause number three, again it's more social conditioning. At whatever level, you might have learned as a child to over exert yourself to fulfil the needs of others at the expense of your own needs.
[00:10:45] And of course this might have been a practical requirement within the context of your family. My own father grew up in abject poverty and was expected to leave school at 13 to help feed his family. In fact, he took on the financial burden for many, many years in very difficult circumstances during the war, and he never really learned thereafter to recognize, assert, or protect his own needs.
[00:11:12] And the postscript to this is his difficult marriage, depression and anxiety, addiction, and severe loneliness, especially in retirement. So you might have also been taught that your own needs weren't valid. That you weren't worthy of having them met, your needs didn't matter, or perhaps your performance didn't meet standards. Or your parents may simply have not demonstrated the skill to you of caring for your own needs.
[00:11:41] This might happen in families where there are stressors such as addiction, mental illness, conflict, violence, poverty, or racism. And it can lead to very low self esteem, shame, social isolation, addiction and a host of other difficulties, including of course burnout. And when you hear the word shame, take note, because it is particularly detrimental to wellbeing and it has no obvious antidote.
[00:12:11] To feel shame is to feel intrinsically unworthy and to assume that you're to blame for your very existence. By contrast, guilt says you did something wrong which can be remedied. So shame really requires some skilful techniques to overcome. You can listen to episode 32 on the podcast on shame to learn more about how to do this.
[00:12:39] So number 3 cause will be social factors. For whatever reason, you're trained to tend to other people's needs in preference to your own. Whatever the reason, if you are in burnout, you can learn to overcome the deficits and start taking better care of yourself by conscious choice. Neuroplasticity, our best friend in burnout, let's bring that into play.
[00:13:04] So let's move on now, whatever the cause of you not taking care of your own needs adequately, what skills do you need to practice creating more wellbeing by taking better care of yourself? Of course, I've already covered many important skills in the first 7 Power Tools in the podcast. Go listen to previous episodes.
[00:13:27] But today I'm going to add 4 more. All of these build to create more and more wellbeing as you continue to practice them. It's an incremental process that eventually hits the exponential part of the wellbeing and growth curve as you develop new strength and the power to exit burnout. Of course, you probably won't believe this right now.
[00:13:51] It may be an idea you can't connect with, but it will happen. You can't fail to, if you start treating yourself like the precious object you truly are. And if you don't want to do this, ask yourself why not? I mean, it might just be your ego trying to preserve who it thinks you are. It might be fear of change,
[00:14:13] doubt, or lack of self belief or lack of energy. This is normal in burnout. Nobody actually wants to do this work if they have a choice. Change always seems hard and unpleasant. We're resistant to change. But actually it's not hard and unpleasant, it's restorative and lovely. So, you can choose to accept right now that you don't, and maybe won't for a while, feel like doing it, and use your professional discipline to do it anyway, every day, just a little bit, until you start to create evidence that it's working.
[00:14:48] So let's go into today's skills then. Skill number one, Setting Boundaries. It's a big topic that I covered in detail in episode number 21 of the podcast. You can go and listen to that one later, but basically here it is. Setting boundaries is what we do when someone is causing us harm- mental, physical,
[00:15:09] emotional. We don't use boundaries when somebody is simply doing something that we don't like, because we can't effectively stop adults being themselves. It's not our job to control them. So if your partner doesn't put the bins out, that's probably not a time to use boundaries. That's a time for negotiation.
[00:15:29] We use boundaries to set consequences for someone who acts in ways that we experience as harmful. For example, when your brother smokes in your house, or your boss yells at you in a meeting. And we set boundaries, not to prevent this behaviour, because again, we can't control an adult, but to respectfully and calmly let the person know what the consequence will be,
[00:16:00] when they behave in that way. For example to your boss. When you raise your voice at me in a meeting, I will leave the meeting. Then each time your boss does yell at you in a meeting, you quietly enact the consequence and leave. Every time. Note that you don't fight back or yell back. There's nothing aggressive about your behavior.
[00:16:23] You don't try to change his or her behavior. You just protect yourself by leaving. And later if your boss wants to negotiate, okay. And if they don't, you can leave the meeting the next time they do it too. Just to protect your emotional self. So setting boundaries really is a high level skill. It requires practice to perfect.
[00:16:47] Especially as most of us who are not boundary setters by habit will be very nervous initially about it going wrong, and you know, fair call, it may, because when you're starting out it's better to not try and set boundaries in very high stakes situations. Practice on easy ones, till you get good at it, but do practice.
[00:17:11] Setting reasonable boundaries when they're required, doing it consistently and calmly, will change your life. And it will reduce your resentment because resentment is a massive detractor to your wellbeing. As a general rule, in any situation where you can choose guilt or resentment, choose guilt. It's much more easily passed through and dealt with.
[00:17:41] Whereas resentment will ruin your relationships, your wellbeing and your digestion for years once it's there. It's really hard to dislodge. So listen to episode 21 for more about how to set boundaries, and also listen to episode 22 on resentment. That's skill number one, Setting Boundaries. Skill number two, Stop People Pleasing.
[00:18:07] If you're people pleasing, you're essentially agreeing with others when you don't want to. Agreeing you like things, when you don't. Agreeing you'll do something, when you don't want to. Agreeing that they've done a great job, when they haven't. People pleasing is actually lying to the person, in the hope that if you tell them what you think they want to hear, they will like you.
[00:18:34] Because you need to be liked. You want their approval, not their judgement or rejection. That's the deal you're trying to make with them. But really, you're manipulating them. Using them to get the approval that you need. And I think, ultimately, that's disrespectful. It doesn't resonate well. Because think how you feel when you can tell that somebody is people pleasing you.
[00:18:58] Do you like it? When you people please, you're pretending to be someone other than who you actually are. You're holding out a kind of cardboard cutout of you, for them to approve of, so they can never see, or know, or form a relationship with, the real you.
[00:19:17] There's little actual value then in your connection with them. And there's a resentment that builds within you again. When you agree to do something you don't want to do. Internally you're going to be mad with them for asking you. Not yourself for saying yes. Or maybe both. It's a bit unreasonable and unnecessary.
[00:19:37] And again, resentment turns into a deep, festering open wound that you can't get rid of. Although it does damage relationships, it hurts you much more than it hurts anyone else. Because you're going to chew on it for longer, more often. It turns into acid, basically, in your gut.
[00:19:56] And then later, whatever it is you agreed to do, you might get really cranky about it, find yourself a little excuse and toss it aside and not do it. You might easily let them down, so much for pleasing them then. And even if they do give you the approval that you want, approval's like a drug, a few seconds later it's going to wear off and you'll want some more.
[00:20:23] If you depend on external approval to feel good, you'll always be wanting, because you lack self approval. You're starving yourself of approval, so whatever you get from others won't be enough. Seeking approval outside of yourself provides a semblance of safety and acceptance just for a fleeting moment.
[00:20:44] Then very quickly, your inner critic will start up again, or your judgement, and you'll find yourself needing more approval. So, the antidote to this is learning to approve of yourself. Turns out to be a vital step in creating wellbeing. And if you want help with that, listen to Power Tool number five on how to champion yourself.
[00:21:06] It will teach you how to create the safety you crave inside of yourself where it's always available. Also listen to episode number 22 for more information about people pleasing and it's near neighbor episode number 12 Saying No. We'll cover that a bit more next week as well. So, skill number two, Stop People Pleasing.
[00:21:31] Skill number three, Creating Safety. I talk a lot about safety in burnout recovery , because nobody in burnout feels safe. Do you feel safe? For some of the reasons I've already mentioned today, but really for any reason that has prevented them looking after their own wellbeing up until now, people in burnout will not feel safe.
[00:21:50] We looked at a few reasons , but of course there is a much longer list, which primarily includes trauma. If you were not taught that you're intrinsically good enough, worthy and deserving of love, care, attention and approval as a child, without needing to do or be anything else, then you will not feel entirely safe as an adult.
[00:22:17] It stands to reason that if you aren't sure about your intrinsic worth as a human, you'll have difficulty with self esteem, self care, self protection, self approval and self love. You will not unconditionally support yourself through life's ups and downs, because it isn't what you've been taught. And this is a very vulnerable way to live.
[00:22:41] You're likely to have experienced many side effects of this including the Type A behaviours that we associate with burnout and a relentless drive to be accepted and loved. But also, notice that you're probably going to experience shame, that toxic feeling of being inadequate as who you are.
[00:23:02] Man, this is really inescapable and it can't be fixed. Shame and low self esteem can ferment mental illness and addictive behaviours, and fuel imposter syndrome at work and in relationships. Shame feeds into a sense of unsafety simply because it can't be fixed. Unsafety is a precursor to burnout. Part of creating safety at work then is learning to have your own back, to find yourself worthy of that.
[00:23:32] So if you listen to the episode Power Tool Number Five, Champion Yourself, that's going to help you. You need to become the safe adult you always wanted but lacked earlier in life. That person who will always accept and approve of you, always be there to care for and support you, always listen to you and believe in you,
[00:23:52] always have your back, even when you make mistakes. You hold the power to become that person, even if you've never tried it before. You can generate unlimited compassion for yourself, unconditional love for yourself. You can make room for every part of you and give yourself grace when things go wrong. And how I know you can do this is because it's what I did and it's also what my clients do to recover from burnout and enjoy life again.
[00:24:23] You need to create this safety inside to avoid the compulsive, addictive nature of constantly seeking external approval, which is exhausting and precarious. When you create internal safety, all you're really doing is finally agreeing that you're a good person, good enough, that your heart is good, that you're basically well intentioned, lovable, just as you are.
[00:24:48] You don't need to be perfect, you just need to be human, flawed like the rest of us. But exactly who you are meant to be, just that, it's enough. And when you cultivate this sense of self acceptance, it allows you to feel more safe in the world. You'll be able to stand in your own power, unapologetic for existing, for speaking your truth, taking up your rightful place on this earth.
[00:25:14] You're going to worry less about what other people think. You can stop pretzeling yourself to please others. It's not going to seem relevant anymore. And you're going to lighten up, your sense of humour will come back. It's like you've been living in black and white up until now, but now you're colouring yourself back in and starting to live larger, more vivid life.
[00:25:40] And when you do this, when you take this kind of self care, when you create this kind of safety and wellbeing, burnout cannot withstand this. It's basically over. You're going to begin to enjoy being you, the way you're fitting with others. You can stop seeing yourself as a problem, questing aggressively but in vain for this "better version of you" that's supposed to be out there.
[00:26:05] That better version of you is already here. It's inside. It's your mojo. Welcome home. So I'll put some additional episodes you might want to listen to about creating this safety in the Power Tools page. But I encourage you to digest some of the things that I'm saying here and actually think them through for yourself.
[00:26:27] So that's skill number three, safety, Creating Safety inside. Skill number four is I Have To Solve Every Problem. That idea needs to be banished. Being the fixer of all things, for all people, is a lonely and ultimately unrewarding road. Because it keeps you at a distance from humanity, depriving you of connection and the earthy up and down goodness of life.
[00:26:54] Because ultimately nobody loves a perfectionist. I think you can see how once you cultivate this new love and acceptance for yourself, once you have your own back and assert your own power, you're going to be able to release a lot of your current needs and fears. You'll be less demanding of yourself and others.
[00:27:16] People will stop walking on eggshells around you. You won't lose one speck of your quality, speed, skill, status, but results will be easier to deliver. Suddenly teamwork will flow better. And instead of needing to fix other people's problems, you can mentor them to solve their own. If it's okay to be you, you don't need to fear failure or not knowing how to do things.
[00:27:45] You don't need to fear disapproval or rejection. People will feel less threatening to you, now you've lost your imposter syndrome and your future doesn't hang in the balance with every transaction. When you lighten up, you no longer need to be, or appear to be, invincible. Not only will you be able to appreciate yourself more, you'll relax, allowing other people to appreciate you too.
[00:28:13] Your emotional intelligence will rise. You'll be less controlling, easier to work with, more fun. And from this place, really, everything in life becomes a dance. You can consciously shed the need for control, perfectionism, overwork, micromanagement, unwillingness to delegate, the need to be right and being the only one who can fix things.
[00:28:40] Those things will naturally start to fall away. You'll be more approachable and enjoy connecting more. You'll have less vulnerability. You never did have to solve every problem actually. And now you begin to see that although you can add value by being the fixer, you can add even more by working more closely with others.
[00:29:04] Every professional who recovers from burnout in this way becomes a better producer, performer and leader. And the people around you are going to start noticing this. So, skill number four, I Have To Solve Every Problem. I think we need to puncture that myth slightly. And taken all together, in this episode and the previous seven Power Tool episodes, I really have given you a comprehensive and powerful toolset to overcome the burdens and perils of burnout.
[00:29:36] All free for you to practice. That's what I have for you today. Next week, and I may have been saving the best until last, power tool number nine is Time Management, overwork, overwhelm and everything that steals your energy and enthusiasm. Tune in then for even more power tool techniques. If you yourself are in burnout and would like help restoring your wellbeing, come and talk to me for free and let's make a plan for you to recover quickly and sustainably and get back to your best performance, leadership, success, and most of all enjoyment inside work and out.
[00:30:13] You can book an appointment at DexRandall. com. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me reach more people in burnout by rating and reviewing the podcast and also by sharing this podcast with your friends who may be in stress, anxiety and burnout. Thank you for listening today. I will catch you
