Burnout Recovery
The podcast for slightly dented medics, execs and professionals seeking massive success, strong leadership and fulfilment. Weekly tips and techniques for high-achieving Type A professionals to beat burnout and restore outstanding leadership, performance and ease at work. Podcast hosted by Master Burnout Coach Dex Randall.
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Burnout Recovery
Ep#167 What to Do About Despair
Do you feel crushed by despair?
Today we delve into the nature of despair, its physical and emotional signs, and understanding your experiences with burnout and despair.
Healing starts with acknowledging your feelings and finding a trusted person outside your family as a guide to combat the challenges. Antidotes include finding hope, perspective, and positive connection, and if you are struggling to create a more fulfilling life and career, speak with Dex about coaching.
Show Notes
We Need To Talk About Shame, Brene Brown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5C6UELitWkw
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[00:00:00] Hi everyone, my name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Leadership podcast, where I teach professional men to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.
[00:00:30] Hello, my friends, this is Dex and welcome to this week's episode on what to do about despair. And a request just to begin today. If you do enjoy this episode, please share it with your friends who are stressed as well. And I'd be very grateful if you would rate and review the podcast, because all of this is really how we reach out to help more people experiencing burnout.
[00:00:51] So thank you for that. And don't forget, burnout is currently affecting up to 70 percent of the workforce. It's not just you. Okay. So let's start today by just checking for a minute. How you feel? Are you fed up to the back teeth, with stress and burnout? Is your workload overwhelming and grinding you down?
[00:01:15] Are you run down and depleted? Do you wake every morning in dread? Do you rarely, if ever, receive recognition, appreciation, or conversely, support and encouragement. Have you little autonomy? Are you being micromanaged? Do you feel unseen, unheard, expendable, unsafe? Are you finding it hard to remain civilized?
[00:01:44] You do not want to talk to people very much? And you see no light at the end of the tunnel? Is your passion dead? Are you running on autopilot? Do you wonder why you're still doing all of this? And is it impacting the quality of your home life and relationships? Is it taxing your discipline and commitment to breaking point?
[00:02:06] If you answered yes to some or all of those questions, then do you feel any kind of despair? Because despair really is what arrives when we're chronically exhausted and cynical in burnout, and we give up hope that we can fix it. Happily, the World Health Organization described the burnout experience in 2019 as unresolved work stress resulting in three experiences.
[00:02:38] Number one, feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion. Number two, increased mental distance from one's job or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job. And three, reduce professional efficacy. And if you knew somebody who was experiencing all of those, do you imagine they would feel despair?
[00:03:00] I think I would. So if you can relate with despair, what is despair like for you? What does it feel like? What's your experience of it? And is it your mind that just can't take things anymore? Or is it your body, your soul, your spirit, all of the above? And what does despair feel like in your body when it comes up?
[00:03:26] Where do you feel it? What kind of sensations do you notice? Here's how it feels like for me, from my recollection of it. It's a dull, thick, heavy ache that settles down on me like the darkest, densest fog that's enfolding my head so I can't see out. It's also like a sack of cement on my shoulders, it's like a really big black anchor in my stomach and a somehow empty collapsed trench under my solar plexus.
[00:03:59] And I'm describing this really and inviting you to think about how it feels for you, because allowing yourself to sense and feel your despair in this way, it doesn't do any harm. And connecting with it is a form of acceptance. And acceptance gives it a little bit of room to, to move, to lighten, to disperse.
[00:04:20] So whether you are able to detect any sensations in your body or not, simply allowing that despair is actually your body trying to talk to you. And then inwardly accepting that, can also lighten your load. ' cause your body isn't working against you and nor are your feelings. They're trying to tell you that something needs fixing.
[00:04:45] And if you haven't heeded those warnings, they may have gotten stronger and perhaps now is the time to take action? Because despair is a state of hopelessness; to be overcome with a sense of futility or defeat; to feel that you can't improve on or fix your situation. So think also about. What's pushed you into despair, if that's where you are?
[00:05:12] In what way do you believe yourself unequal to the task of acquitting your responsibilities? What thoughts are you having? Is it, for example, "I'm not enough. I'm inadequate. I'm not winning and I can't win." The feeling that the odds are stacked against you. Is it, "I'm unsupported. They don't care. It's not fair.
[00:05:34] I don't belong here." Or worse still, "they don't want me here." Is it, "I'm not doing any good in my job. It's in conflict with my values. I have no purpose and I am not valued. This is not what I signed up to do." You will know what flavor of experience you've had that's pushed you over the edge into despair.
[00:05:58] If you get there, you will know. Listen to the thoughts that are going through your head. Listen to the complaints you have about the system or about the job or whatever it is. Just listen in because it's really well worth understanding what your personal challenges are and exactly why you experience despair or burnout and in particular how your own judgments add to your burden of failure and pain.
[00:06:25] And for you, has despair ushered in burnout? And if it has, what is burnout for you? Remember Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Which ones are not being met for you? I really think about burnout as: When your mojo conclusively leaves the building and the magic of you is no longer enough to create success. You might feel a sense of creeping fallibility or imposter syndrome.
[00:06:54] You might sense that you've lost status, credibility or favor with your colleagues and those that you serve. You'll likely be worried about your future and perhaps your relationship with your partner and or your kids. Your bodily health, which might be steadily worsening. And the fragility of your mind and emotions, your mood, temper, and reactivity, your loss of control.
[00:07:21] Perhaps your mind is showing you pictures of your life slowly falling apart. Perpetually overbooked, but with little reward and fulfillment left in the things that fill your days. You might feel hollow, empty, or lost. Perhaps even redundant, disconnected, and lonely. Actually though, the event or the series of events that bring you to your knees in burnout or even in despair, that bring you to the conclusion that you are burned out, they're just a crystallization of your experience into one final conclusion.
[00:07:58] It's over. Invincibility has left the building. And of course, if you're a type A person, that loss is going to come as a massive shock. It's going to puncture your self image. And if that happens too, this often brings forth enormous shame, joining the guilt, embarrassment, failure, and humiliation that already have a grip on you.
[00:08:21] And you might feel very vulnerable and alone. If you do, by the way, I can assure you, you are not alone. If up to 70 percent of the workforce is, or has recently been, burning out. But shame and vulnerability may inhibit you from seeking help. That's how it was for me. I didn't want anyone to know I was failing.
[00:08:44] Nor how I was feeling inside. I did try to negotiate with my boss that he'd give me a bit more room to do my job. I wasn't successful and I had no more cards to play. We're really coming back to despair, the antidote to despair. Let's talk about that. What does bring us out of that dark place? First of all, we need to find a person who helps us feel seen, heard, valuable, and safe.
[00:09:15] Safe enough to tell them how we feel and to be honored in the telling. Of course, this person is best chosen outside your circle of intimacy of partners and family, where there's already such a strong dynamic in history already established. People nearest to you might also be struggling and feel angry or resentful.
[00:09:34] Conversation with them might be loaded and they too may need help with their own feelings. Not necessarily the easiest people to bare your soul to, in the first instance, if you have burnout or despair or shame, and particularly when you feel depleted and down. But despair, like shame, can only prevail when it's left in the dark.
[00:09:59] Shame thrives on secrecy, silence and judgment. And in work situations, shame promotes despair and burnout. A big part of banishing despair then is through connection, especially with people who believe in you, and can show you another side of yourself than the one that you're focused on right now. You may need to rekindle old connections and you may need to resolve conflict in existing connections, but you probably need a few more resources up your sleeve to begin that work.
[00:10:32] So finding an ally to help you bounce back early on, I think it's vital because it's pretty tough to fix despair by yourself. Likewise, burnout. In my opinion, and also in my experience, burnout is a condition of disconnection. We left alone too long with the toxically negative contents of our own minds confirming and reconfirming our failure.
[00:11:00] What about you? Do you miss the everyday goodness of connection? How long has it been missing for you? And do you feel that shame has contributed to its loss? And for anyone who wants to gain perspective on shame, Brene Brown really is the go to resource. I'm going to put a two minute YouTube video link in the show notes,
[00:11:21] which summarizes her 2012 TED talk on shame. All humans experience shame. It's hard to talk about. But talking about it is the cure. And for men, shame's story really is, do not be perceived as weak. For women, it's more about conflicting expectations of who they're supposed to be. In any case, in the face of shame, despair, burnout, vulnerability is always the path back to connection.
[00:11:54] And vulnerability is not weak, it's our most accurate measure of courage. Empathy is the antidote to shame, and empathy is offered directly from one person to another. It's an act of inclusion and acceptance that fosters safe connection and kindles heart energy. We all have shame. We all have vulnerability.
[00:12:20] And in the end, that's okay because once we reconnect through that vulnerability and authenticity, our connections are deeper and more powerful than before. We find our courage, empathy, and compassion. It softens us up, really. The human nervous system is designed to silently and subconsciously communicate with the nervous system of other humans who are nearby.
[00:12:48] It does that all the time. For example, when we go into a room where there are people. It goes a bit like this. My nervous system: Are you feeling safe right now? The other person's nervous system: Yes. My nervous system: Okay, now I feel safe too. Or, my nervous system: Are you feeling safe right now? Other person's nervous system: No!
[00:13:12] My nervous system: Okay, now I'm freaking out, where's the danger? And this goes on continuously, all day every day, without our awareness. It's like the lookout meerkat sitting on top of the hill looking out for hyenas. But our nervous system, when it keeps doing this, it's really got no idea that our social spaces are now free of lurking predators.
[00:13:34] It doesn't really need to be that vigilant, anyhow it keeps going. And of course, if you're in burnout or despair, your nervous system is beaming out danger signals all day to other people without your permission. Okay. It's just doing it. So no wonder if you feel vulnerable, and also really no wonder if people aren't quite so keen to work with you, even if they don't know why.
[00:13:59] They're picking up your signals. So if you feel despair, the trick is to find a safe person who can help you work through it. Don't wait until you want to do this. That day is never going to come. And also be a little bit prudent about who you choose. The right person, such as a trusted mentor, a therapist, or a coach will do wonders to help you see your situation more clearly and what you can do to feel better.
[00:14:29] This really is a crucial step in burnout recovery, and I usually work with my clients to rediscover all that's amazing and wonderful about them. All the wisdom, talents, and dedication, all the willingness to contribute and support others. Every good thing. Despair, after all, is not seeing the truth. It's a complete distortion.
[00:14:54] It's your mind painting you into a very dark corner, without sufficient evidence to hold you there, unless you believe in it. So the primary antidote to despair is positive connection. And the second is perspective. It's correcting the fallacies you've been laboring under that have knocked your confidence and hope.
[00:15:18] Because really, a person needs hope. In some contexts, such as Buddhism, hope is not cultivated. Students are encouraged instead to accept the present moment as good enough already, rather than hope for better in the future. But really, we're built to need hope, as in the belief in ourselves more than outside circumstances.
[00:15:40] We need to believe that we will prevail. So, forming a new perspective, letting in some fresh air on your situation. Yes, we must do that if we're in despair.
[00:15:52] This means searching for what needs to change. Yes, of course, but also resurrecting the existing good, noticing our own resources and strengths. It's reorienting our mind back towards hope, a massaging of self belief, self confidence, self efficacy. Followed later on by more careful management of external sources of pain and our own resources and energy, in order to protect ourselves and nourish ourselves.
[00:16:22] We get to rebuild ourselves from the inside out, frequently to a degree that astonishes us and brings a lot more delight than expected. The swing back, once it happens, shows us why we had despair, what it was trying to tell us that we needed to fix. And in the process of that, we come home, we become more us.
[00:16:45] And when we return home, we become more whole, more open, more authentic, more honest. And then our connections with other people reflect the qualities of that, and the availability now of much better energy from us. And the biggest benefit of all of this process comes to us. We experience the joy of human warmth again, or for some people with guidance even for the first time.
[00:17:15] So, despair, burnout, shame, and all its miserable friends. They're not permanent, they're just here to guide us. Which they do very diligently for as long as it takes to wake us up, take stock, make new decisions. And create a healthy change in our relationship with people, the world, work, and of course ourselves.
[00:17:37] Hiding away in burnout really is a last resort. It seems to protect us from further pain, but what it actually spares us is laughter, belonging, generosity, support, and the ordinary dance of human life. Healing burnout is just coming home. It's actually that simple. And I can guide you in this, if you would like, because you're wasted in burnout.
[00:18:03] You're wasted in despair. It's no good for you. And it's no good for the people around you. Go for something altogether bigger, better, and brighter. I really dare you because confronting your fear and vulnerability. actually just generates a light hearted courage, a willingness to show up and have more fun.
[00:18:25] Your mojo is still there, waiting for you. I would encourage you, if you can, if this is the time, if you can hear me and you feel despair or burnout or shame or any of its attendant woes, I would encourage you to embark. Embark on the journey. Do yourself a favor. Because much better than is for you.
[00:18:44] That's what I have for you today. Thank you for listening. If you are in burnout, come and talk to me for free and let's make a plan for you to recover quickly and sustainably. Get back to your best performance, leadership, success, and most of all, enjoyment inside work and out. You can book an appointment at DexRandall.
[00:19:02] com. And again, if you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love you to share it with your friends. Catch you next time for more burnout healing ideas.
