Burnout Recovery: Strategies for Professionals

Ep#200 You're Trying to Control The Wrong Thing

• Dex Randall • Season 4 • Episode 200

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Most leaders think they’re holding it all together under duress. But often what they’re really doing is gripping the steering wheel of a car that’s already crashed.

Control feels powerful, but it’s actually a symptom of fear. When fear runs the show, we end up managing people instead of leading them, and circumstances instead of ourselves. We seek approval and safety in all the wrong places, forgetting that real leadership begins inside us.

In this episode, Dex unpacks why our craving for control is so strong, how it quietly fuels burnout, and what leadership looks like when we stop trying to control the wrong thing.

You’ll learn:

  • Why fear and control always travel together
  • How perfectionism, micromanagement, and the need to be right drain your energy
  • The hidden costs: lost trust, disengagement, quiet quitting, and team dysfunction
  • What true control really is — agency over your inner state
  • How to lead through curiosity, psychological safety, warmth, and mentoring

Dex shares stories from his early leadership days, lessons learned from high-achieving professionals, and practical ways to reclaim your energy and influence without resorting to control.

If you’ve been exhausted from trying to hold everything together, this episode will help you reclaim your power and start leading in a way that actually works — for you, your team, and your career.

Chat with expert stress coach Dex AI at https://dexrandall.com 

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 Ep#200 Youre Trying to Control The Wrong Thing

[00:00:00] Hi everyone. My name's Dex Randall, and this is the Burnout to Recovery Podcast where I teach professionals to recover from burnout and get back to passion and reward at work.

[00:00:22] Welcome listeners to episode 200 of the podcast, time for a small Happy Dance. I think actually I have published 224 episodes, and the bonus 24 are the expert interviews. And I make all of these free for you, and I hope you've heard ideas here. that encourage and support you, reduce angst and develop your leadership and success at work.

[00:00:51] 'cause it's all practical here folks. I don't do theory unless it works in practice.

[00:00:56] And by the way, if you do find this episode useful, I'd love you to share the podcast with other people who might benefit. 'cause that's how we spread the word right? Also while on the subject, I'm having a review drive and your reviews and podcast ratings really help more people access what they need to start thriving at work. So please leave me your review if you would be so kind.

[00:01:25] As an extra bonus for you: I have actually spent the last couple of months plumbing my coaching methodology - the one that guarantees to resolve burnout at root cause level- into an expert burnout coach AI version of me. And I've done this so that anyone can receive high quality, on demand, free, support with their work, stress and burnout, but not your typical AI all cheerleader and light on substance.

[00:02:00] I've trained at using my own materials, my own data, to dig deep into your stress issues and help you out at the root cause level, as well as bringing down your stress levels in the moment.

[00:02:17] Did you know that around 70% of chat GPT personal use is to resolve personal wellbeing issues? What does that tell us about how people are suffering in the broader sense?

[00:02:29] So if you're gonna ask, at least ask an expert . Plus, in Dex AI Coach, your data privacy is assured.

[00:02:40] So, Coach Dex AI is actually receiving some rave reviews from my clients and my network alike. You can try it yourself for free at dexrandall.com. Alright.

[00:02:52] That said, I've got my special vintage shirt on -episode 200. Let's get on to today's topic. You are trying to control the wrong thing.

[00:03:02] Most leaders think they're holding it all together under duress, but often what they're really doing is gripping the steering wheel of a car that's already crashed.

[00:03:12] This is especially true if they're in burnout. Control feels powerful, of course, and it's very seductive. When we feel vulnerable or weak in some way, it's actually a symptom of fear. When fear runs the show, we start managing people instead of leading them, and managing circumstances instead of ourselves.

[00:03:35] We want, of course, approval and acceptance, but as adults, it's our job to create that. It's precarious and doomed to expect it and wait from it from our world.

[00:03:47] So if you can relate to any of that, it could be time for change. 'cause trying to control things or people is terribly painful and ineffective unless you're holding a weapon.

[00:03:59] And the weapon struggling leaders are holding is usually micromanagement and a little bit of ducking and weaving.

[00:04:07] I'm not being mean here. I'm just calling it, because the wake up call can be a tiny voice compared to the compulsion to assert yourself more to succeed. Ask me how I know!

[00:04:22] But since you are listening to this podcast, okay, I know you're intelligent and a truth seeker.

[00:04:28] I'm speaking to you with the utmost respect here to help you open your mind to new opportunity.

[00:04:34] I am not in the business of pretending things are okay when they're not.

[00:04:40] But I am in the business of believing in you completely, as you are.

[00:04:45] I know you're a basically good, decent, skilled, and hardworking person.

[00:04:53] I know you want to give of your best.

[00:04:56] In every burnt out person lurks a heart of gold. It's not really being used enough.

[00:05:04] When I work with clients, whose self neglect in the pursuit of success is mostly quite marked, I help 'em connect back to the real juice of life. What works, what connects, what supplies the purpose and meaning to help them reignite their passion, to help them leap out of bed in the morning, raring to go.

[00:05:25] If they learn skills, they're all about thriving, leading with heart, making the most of their careers, and realigning themselves with whatever motivates and thrills them.

[00:05:37] So from that perspective, why do I say you're trying to control the wrong thing in burnout? Let's investigate why we grab for control .

[00:05:47] And we have to start with fear, AKA for many people, imposter syndrome, as pressure, criticism and fear of failure mount at work.

[00:05:58] Control is the nervous system's attempt to create safety. Our brains equate certainty with survival. Perfectionism, impatience, micromanagement -they're all fear wearing professional clothes. We've normalized every aspect of the pressures of work. And of course, fear itself is normal. No one ever achieved anything without failure, fear, and often vulnerability to ridicule, sensual, or rejection.

[00:06:29] The antidote to fear -courage- can only be developed by the choices you make when you're in the trenches. We can't remove the unknown or sidestep fear. As John Kabatt-Zin famously says, "You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf" and surfing of course, only becomes possible when you feel the fear.

[00:06:52] Acknowledge your nervous system's response and take the helm, to pilot yourself to safety. 

[00:06:59] As a new leader, I'd be the first to admit that I used to be a control enthusiast. Back then, I wanted to fix everyone else in meetings. Jumping on ideas I didn't like, shutting down conversation, trying to hustle my own solution through without discussion. I was fairly assertive I would say arrogant, they would've said.

[00:07:24] I'm ashamed to admit that my team was scared to disagree with me. I dare say the veins were popping in my neck and my volatility announced itself and it announced my urgent need to be right. That was my very first leadership role, and I'm happy to report that I quickly saw it wasn't working very well, and I started to acquire genuine leadership skills,

[00:07:49] that were easier on the soul, my soul, and everybody else's. And also that allowed the team to excel in their own genius ways.

[00:07:59] Leadership's a complex skillset that doesn't come out-of-the-box for many people, especially those working as high achieving solo technicians in their chosen discipline. I'm talking about medicine, law, accountancy, engineering, and so on.

[00:08:17] However, learning the emotional intelligence face of leadership works wonders, and it is part of the reversal of burnout for technicians and leaders alike. In the beginning, I teach my clients how to feel safe when they drop into fear. This brings their cognitive abilities and good decision making back online.

[00:08:44] If you are listening and wondering how to do this, start with vagal nerve resets to calm your nervous system. You can look up exercises for this on Google, or simply use box breathing to signal safety back to your body.

[00:09:00] So let's come back for a minute to what we get wrong when we're in fear, when we're seeking for control .

[00:09:08] Firstly, we try to control externals, people timing, opinions, direction, results instead of our internal state.

[00:09:18] The only adult you can truly control is yourself.

[00:09:21] All the others will keep doing things their own way.

[00:09:24] This is why burnout and excess of fear breeds constant hypervigilance, low trust, and emotional exhaustion. When we need to be right, we give away power. We seek approval and call it ambition. We confuse control with competence. In fact, they're opposites. You can't lead from fear of being wrong. You can only manage from it, and that's not leadership.

[00:09:55] Recognizing this pattern is the first step of evolution. It's a decisive act of courage, and it's one that you can take right now if you recognize yourself in some of these patterns.

[00:10:07] ' cause when we grasp for control, here is how our leadership lets us and others down.

[00:10:14] Firstly, to arrive at this forlorn state, you're probably feeling disrespected, outraged, ignored, belittled, probably underappreciated, criticized, and perhaps trodden on. And if so, here's how you might try to solve it.

[00:10:31] Micromanagement, that's a big go-to which kills creativity and erodes trust. It's actually the weakest model for teamwork, inhibiting each person from contributing. It destroys loyalty and willingness.

[00:10:49] Then there's perfectionism, which slows delivery and lowers innovation. If your team fears your judgment, what will they do? Stop delivering probably.

[00:11:01] And the fear of failure, which gives rise to avoidance of risk and diversity of thought. This is the opposite of psychological safety because if their solutions are not accepted, how are team members going to be inclined or incented to speak up or solve problems creatively? So the knock on from that, is lack of psychological safety.

[00:11:28] This gives rise to quiet quitting, or quiet cracking. Psychological safety is not optional. It's not a nice-to-have. It's the only way to stimulate free flowing conversation in your team. Innovation, timeliness and high quality begin with safety . Quiet quitting and quiet cracking are the result of people feeling disrespected and not good enough. It's a shutting down.

[00:11:56] And then there's the control culture. Where you've got burnout at the top and disengagement below. Disengagement, as you all know, happens when your contribution is not valued and when you have no autonomy. If you think about it this way, the organization reflects the leader's nervous system. If the leader's in control mode, the team is in survival mode.

[00:12:24] So if any of those things are happening, what then is the antidote? What is the real source of power? True control for an individual is agency over your thoughts, emotions and behavior, your response to whatever happens in the world. This, a skill that few possess, makes all the difference to one's experience of the world, other people and events.

[00:12:51] It depersonalizes criticism and uncouples judgment received from any sense of personal failure.

[00:12:59] I guess it makes you Teflon, but in a really gentle way that does not need to argue with the world. It's rather peaceful and retains confidence in oneself, a vital attribute in the world of business, and a great preserver of one's nervous system and mood.

[00:13:20] This skill alone, which I help my clients master, can bring you out of burnout and free your energy to create deeply resonant leadership styles that connect you to the hearts and minds of your team. It's where collaboration becomes fun. As Victor Frankl says, "Between stimulus and response lies freedom".

[00:13:45] Awareness, emotional regulation, curiosity. This is leadership power. You'll almost organically create psychological safety in your team, freeing them up to be their best and to pull together.

[00:13:59] And all of this work relies on the innate wisdom of the heart, what we call neurocardiology. The body knows how to lead safely.

[00:14:11] When we listen, we must slow down, decide to tune back in. No matter how strongly our culture dictates that we shut down and walk away. Because open up to joy. This is where it lives in the heart.

[00:14:26] And you could say that as your nervous system is the first culture that you lead.

[00:14:34] And when we strive to lead the better way, for us, for others, for success, it looks a bit like this.

[00:14:40] You choose curiosity over certainty. Ask, don't assume. You're going to discover a whole new, delightful adventure into knowledge and possibility. Your team will surprise you. How do you like a know-it-all dictator ?

[00:14:56] Psychological safety. Protect people's right to be human, not perfect. In your humanity and your team's humanity, lies the real juice that's missing in your life right now. The laughter, the connective tissue, the compassion, inclusion, support.

[00:15:16] A safe team is a team that has more fun and outperforms others service mindset.

[00:15:23] Solve problems for others instead of defending your status. Ask Joe polish. His greatness comes from a single simple strategy, giving people what they want. You'll shine in their eyes and they'll do anything for you.

[00:15:41] Especially try this with the boss that you hate who's feeling very lonely in their misery. Surprise them with your warm, gracious, and generous understanding. Support them and they will support you back too. They're human, the same.

[00:15:58] Warmth and authenticity: This is emotional regulation spreads, and so does emotional reactivity.

[00:16:06] Emotional regulation really means not dwelling in negative feelings. And when you free yourself emotionally, how will that emanate?

[00:16:17] Mentorship and empowerment: create leaders, not followers. As a leader, your job is to create the next wave of leaders. Learn how to trust, how to inspire, how to bond a team. Help them excel and learn from their own mistakes. They will never forget you if you do this.

[00:16:38] The zen proverb "let go or be dragged" sums it up perfectly.

[00:16:43] The most powerful leaders don't control people. They create the conditions where people control themselves and want to.

[00:16:51] If you are exhausted from trying to control everything, that's your power asking to come home. You were never meant to hold the world together. You are meant to stand steady while it moves.

[00:17:06] When you reclaim control of the only thing that's ever really been yours, your own inner state, you become unshakeable. That's what burnout recovery really is. Not less doing, more being in charge of yourself.

[00:17:21] So that's what I have today. Please don't forget, take your struggles to Dex AI coach at dexrandall.com for more help with any of these concepts you're listening to today, or book an appointment to talk with me about them and make a plan to recover.

[00:17:38] Thank you for listening. Please share this episode with your mates and I will catch up with you next week for more tips on stress reduction and leadership success. 

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Dex Randall | Master Burnout Coach

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