014: Between the Agony and the Ecstasy

In this episode I share with you an invitation to go beyond the endless agony and longing cycles within relationships that our personal and collective conditioning lays us bound to. Looking at the possibility of communion of masculine and feminine within ourselves, can bring us to another level of expansion of consciousness which is beyond the survival, persecutor, victim dynamic we've been focused on for millennia. We can begin to enter this place of honour; honour of oneself,  of one another, of the planet, and our ability to relate and share the richness, fullness, and creativity that is already within all of us.

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Intro & Outro Music by Boe Huntress

Podcast Art by Billy Fox

Transcript

Welcome to the authentic feminine ecstasy podcast, where we explore our innate intimate freedom. And in this episode, we're going to put some flesh and real time experiences that we can all relate to, around the bare bones of my last episode in which I laid the ground for the possibility of these in a marriage.

And I like to begin with the memory of my relationships, and all my different experiences of lovers from mid teenage to today. And it's through this trajectory that I have discovered this masculine feminine dance within myself. And each single person that has come and opened to me, romantically has been an absolute gift to this discovery, and the amount of pleasure and pain that I endured through these relationships, to bringing me closer and closer to where I am today, which are feel a sense of freedom, openness and adventure that comes when we discover this marriage, this masculine feminine within. 

So in my early relationships, as I look back, I feel I was more in rebellion mode. So I was a strong, I was appearing a woman of independence that didn't need anyone, and I could do it all by myself. Secretly, I was longing to be met in my heart, I was longing for a man that could adore Me and soothe all my aches and pains and that beautiful intimacy that is there when we meet one another. And we feel that sense of the timeless, that sense of the beauty and that I relate now as an awakening of my own essence and the other essence.

As we touched this undefended place, which I see as very much as love being the undefended plays. So, in those early relationships, I was polarising and defending my soft, young, immature, full of needs feminine with this sense of independence and freedom. So what tended to happen is that the men that would come towards me, were holding more feminine qualities, and they were hiding their masculine. And this is something that very much began to happen in those days, what we call now the hardened woman, and soft 60s Man, that began to want to be different from this popular macho man that the feminist movement was exposing.

So we would enter in immediate feeling of intimacy and a feeling of communion and the initial stage. Slowly, slowly, as this honeymoon phase began to dwindle, what came through was the conditioning and the defence. So on the one hand, I was not able to open myself to being truly penetrated because I felt fear of my own vulnerability of my own feminine, which of course, it was young and immature, because there was no presence of the masculine within not the true presence of the masculine within because they were on opposition to one another.And I felt that any sign of the other one to lead or any the other wanting to bring some masculine qualities in the relationship, I will meet it with mine. So then it was like the fight of two phalluses. And when the other brought me feminine qualities, then we would enter competition. And I would also feel disappointed because there was no polarity. 

So this was a struggle that I began to fight in different ways. And of course, the inevitable way and walking was the psychological, the doing the immersion in my own psyche, in my own wounding my father, my mother, the role models I learned, and all of the wounding that began to make itself available to me. So my relationships that followed after these inquiry were very much a psychological dance. So there was more of a muddy field of uncovering each other's wounding. And that, of course, also totally killed a polarity. And it became like two psychological psychotherapists tearing each other apart, in a bad moments, or in the good moments supporting each other.

And, again, that was a real valuable inquiry. And it helped me a lot to know about my own personal patterns and wounding. But definitely, it wasn't a breeding ground for the erotic for pleasure for fun, because we were going more and more immerse into this realm of the psychological wounding and inheritance. And of course, being the type of individual I am, I go all the way, and I go to the depth of it. So my relationships tended to be also lengthy and deep. And there was a deep communion and friendships and a sense of allies, but de erotic and a polarity between my masculine feminine and the others masculine, feminine, was completely neutralising each other. So that created a sense of the lack of chemistry, or that erotism was more coming out of a place of love and empathy. But the chemistry was definitely being neutralised, that's the word. Yeah, it was being neutralised. 

So as I began to bash myself against all these different opportunities in relationship with others. And in inquiry, a deep inquiry into my own personal patterns and conditioning, I began to realise that those two forces were in war within myself. So I was either operating from an immature, masculine within myself, or the immature, feminine within myself. And of course, also, I began to see that in the others, whether I was in a romantic relationship with them or not. So how did that manifest it? Let's begin with my immature, feminine that was in opposition or divorce with my immature, masculine. And I say, immature in both cases, because unless there is a bridge, they're both fallen in immaturity. As I said in the previous episode, so let me share with you my memories, as I look back now that it makes me smile, although wasn't so funny, then, I must say, as it causes us a lot of pain, this confusion between these forces within. But as I look at those days, in which needs for me was a sign of weakness. And inevitably, I repressed them and definitely, I did not ask them to be met by the other. So this needs that were repressed, were manifesting in unconscious way towards the other in which I would need to manipulate myself the other or demand the other in not obvious ways, how to get these needs met.

And there was a sense of blame, demand and expectation, although, of course, psychologically speaking, it was all spoken in correct languages, and under the guise that we were both wounded. And we were both working on our own conditioning and inheritance from our ancestors. But deep down, I felt it was the fault of the other, that lacked something, or wasn't, I was pressurising for them to heal, so that they could meet me. So this is in one, one of the ways in which I began to see that operating in myself. And of course, at the time, we were working with other couples. And I saw that read large across the different cultures at the time, we were travelling to America, living in England, Spain, and how this phenomena, mainly carried by the woman, which was more consciously or unconsciously identified with the feminine.

And that would create a sense in the man, whether there were more masculine or feminine identified, a sense of getting it wrong, of pressure, of shame. And this is very hard because they're already collectively men carry a sense of being bad and wrong, deep in the inheritance of our recent culture. And feminism, although essential and key for our collective conscious evolution and expansion, has been discredited in men and masculine in its immature form. 

So this is how I began to see that all the different manifestations and struggles of couples, and the eventual lack of true authentic sexuality between them and eroticism, that was so easy at the beginning, began to be compromised, and the self and other manipulations and compromises in order to keep together because one of the things that the immature of fears is separation, is abandonment. Because that is, as we said earlier on. Its need is for love, relationship, communion, all those words that link things with one another. 

So because the feminine in has always been repressed or left at its most immature level, as it can't mature, because it's not recognise, it begins to have an inherent panic and fear of abandonment. And we can see that through our history. And back in times when a woman was not married, or didn't belong to a man, then she had no value in that society. Or she was discriminated or shamed for not being able to be accompanied by a man next to her. So hence our current up to date, need for relationship we are in for relationships, we are in a couples culture. If you're not in a couple, that is something it's not quite right. And all the dating applications that we have access today, addressing and touching upon this absolute fear of being lonely, abandoned. I'm not connected to another. And this is what I will call the immature, feminine.

 And although our desire to connect and inclulde another in our life is key to our human nature, I am pointing to the stream of consiousness of the immature masculine and feminine, which interferes with this very urge and the aclhemical potential we long for.

So this was the discovery that I began to make. And yes, eventually, as more separations and breakups occur within the same or various relationships. The inquiry began to show itself as this inner transition I had to embrace, which was this union, this facing my own,divorce masculine and feminine. And seeing this, how I was being led by one force, which was burning me out this. When, when I began to realise of how was being led by one force or another, so, for example, my masculine was within the service of my immature, feminine, was actually pushing and rowing the boat in every sense, whether it was in my relationships or my work, I was pushing, I was wanting to get to a goal. The goal was, of course, in for my image of feminine, to get to the love to get to the being seen. And for my immature masculine was a sense of power, and freedom, and recognition for my achievements.

And slowly, slowly, I began to see that nothing was changing. And I was getting burned out. So without going into details as to how the turnaround happened. The main thing I like to bring here was, I discovered that in the act of falling in love, and the act of seeking for another to complete me. And in this attention, of the sensations, feelings, and mental scripts I was running, began to become apparent to me that this energies I was so desperately looking in relationship were already within myself.

So I've begun to go from looking for other to bring me that feeling of feeling completed, and in love. To realising that the beloved was within me, Whoa, that sounds really holy and special. But actually, we can all access this state, within ourselves of undefended, pneus receptivity and an openness that arises from within.

And when those moments began to appear within my perception within my feelings, I began to cultivate them, and allow everything in everyone to be the beloved.

Wow. Well, you might say, so what? You just go and fall in love with everyone and has sex with everyone? Well, no, this is what's already happening in our desperate hunger to get our unmet needs of the feminine to be fulfilled, and our unmet needs of the feminine clashing and wanting freedom and not wanting to be held up not wanting to be constricted, or processed, or not wanting to be constricted process or owned by anyone, and wanting to preserve our sense of autonomy and independence. 

So how can we be interdependent? How can we have relationships in which the other is not there to fulfil our own unmet needs of freedom and love? And then we don't hold them hostage to that desperate hunger that's been with us since the split of these two forces but rather the other being like at the beginning, a mystery and unknown, and relatedness happens in the moment, and how we are going to unfold with one another. It's very much something that will happen, depending on our capacity to share where we are at already. So the less we are in a state of unconscious or semi conscious needs, for the other to bring you anything. It's more like we share our fullness and our fulfilment. 

And lo and behold, the whole texture tapestry of being with another, being with a man with a woman, regardless of the stereotypical gendering of even the labels of heterosexual, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, all of these definitions are very much a need from peeling apart from where we come from this heart, gender divisions, but gradually arriving at a place where as I said earlier, love is an undefended position, place, feeling towards life, and in that undefended place, that is communion and true magic, and true intimacy, which is what our soul longs for.

And in that place, we can expand and choose how we want to share this communion, this love with anyone in a very unique and personal way. And I feel we are all at a very crucial time for these inquiry. And I feel that this marriage, this possibility of coming together, within ourselves, of bringing together within ourselves, the two cosmic forces of the universe, the masculine and the feminine within can bring us to another level of expansion of consciousness which is beyond our survival, beyond the persecutor, victim absence dynamic we've been focused on for millennia. And enter this place of honour, of honour of oneself of one another of the planet, and our ability to relate to share the richness, the fullness, the creativity, that is already there within all of us. 

So beloved listeners, thank you for listening to this episode. So timely and so relevant to us all. And I love to hear your opinions and questions so that we can peach more specifically, the inquiries that are valid and relevant to us all.

She knows