015: Beyond the Romantic Model

Can we be more inclusive to who we are in our relationships? Can we dare to love beyond the romantic models we have learnt and experience true intimate freedom? In this episode I invite you to look beyond the limitations of labels and relationship dynamics and structures that have been formulated through patriarchy and history, and discover a new landscape of love. We all have a right to pleasure, and to be able to relate to one another in our fullness without being suppressed or trapped in fear of lack or of losing something. When we are in a state of ‘in-loveness’ and soft vulnerability, with ourselves and with others, we can experience truly fulfilling relationships; sharing the language of love through the body, our emotions, our mind and our invisible connection with everything.

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Intro & Outro Music by Boe Huntress

Podcast Art by Billy Fox

Transcript

Welcome to the authentic family next to see podcast, where we explore our innate intimate freedom. And in this episode, I like to continue looking into this inner marriage into the possibility of bridging between the unconscious, masculine feminine inheritance within us that we were exploring on the last episode, to be able to see what happens and how it manifests in our connections in our relationships, in our longing to meet another in true intimacy. 

So let's look again, at the word intimacy, which is another way of we can look at it as 'in to me I see', the willingness to be vulnerable, the willingness to show up in your soft corners of yourself, and the willingness to be able to see another in theirs. And of course, that's not very popular in our collective world, we all go well armoured out there. And we all take a position of being the strong one, which can go into the persecutory one, or we take the position of being the vulnerable one, which can go into the victim. And we all know that when we polarise in that way, it brings a lot of dissatisfaction. We're not comfortable, because it's not our innate nature, and how come we carry on playing these games, and what best to look at our time today that we are in the middle of war. And I'm not going to delve into this aching subject, that we carry collectively to see what's happening today, with power, and the need to conquer and the different interest from different directions of the leaders of our world. But it is blind to see that there is something that is not beating with our hearts, and in our heart, that is a nature, that is an intrinsic impulse towards freedom, towards exploration, towards discovery towards adventure towards going it alone. And I like to define alone, like, a oneness, meaning all within ourselves feeling connected with our own crowd, with our own body feelings mind. And there is also a call towards security and constancy and safety. 

And somehow these two impulses within the human nature have been divided. And there is a gulf between them. And there is some of us that hold one pole or switch between the two. And some of us hold the other pole. And that creates that again and again, a division and this lack of bridge between and within ourselves. It's promoting a way of being that is not serving us. Or perhaps it has served us up until now and I call it survival consciousness at a time that procreating the earth, finding our survival with in competition with the other beings and animals and nature that are occupying the space was essential. And, and a law of, of the power of the fittest. But these are no longer relevant, but we're still moving on this consciousness on this part of the brain that let's call it, survival consciousness. So when we look at that, and we are focusing now on the subject of relationships, and relating, it's our growing edge, and how we have viewed and structured this survival in the theme of relationships and procreation comes from where we have been, and perhaps, is no longer relevant for where we're going. We have learnt, we learn from where we've been. But we need to keep expanding our consciousness because is the nature of who we are, we keep expanding is not just universes is not just physically, it's emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually. So as emotional, mentally spiritual, we keep on expanding. 

So the expansion that we're looking at, and that I want to bring today is going beyond the romantic model. And what it has meant for all of us to be on this understanding of how relationships happen. And the first thing I like to bring is the feeling of falling in love. As a state that we enter when we meet this significant other, or these other that we exclude from the mass. And somehow he evokes, or she evokes in us, a set of feelings, energy in the body that we longed to be in. And somehow we feel omnipresent, omnipotent, we feel sensual, we feel radiant, we feel everything is possible. And I remember when I used to travel to different places, and do couples workshops and inquiries, I used to put this chart on the wall. And we used to define the qualities within ourselves that we entered when we fell in love. And wherever I went, they were all the same, whatever. So transcultural, everybody is spoke of the same state that they entered. And also on another chart, we wrote down, what happens when we feel this is lost. When there is a separation when there is a breakup when you fall out of love. And again, there recognised across the globe, we enter the same states. And what I began to look at is that this qualities that we long for, in meeting another and experience within ourselves, the other qualities of self actualization, the other qualities of awakening, the other qualities of when somebody is fully aligned through the essence, when somebody is fully aligned and in contact with who they are, with their essence with the source within, beyond the conscious mind and falling through of their vibrational existence, they experience of what I was talking earlier on about the divine pulse in the body. Those are the same states or qualities that we experience when we fall in love. So no wonder that is so important to find somebody that evokes and triggers us in these places. So on the one hand, we have this need to homecoming to feel this clarity, this rootedness, this potency, this pleasure in our body, this radiance, this love this capacity to feel that everything is possible. On another hand, it feels like it depends on another.

And if we go back to this concept of the survival consciousness that we come from, it was key to our survival to create a structure that fulfilled the need of the time, which was safety and survival. And if we look at history, and a movement of patriarchy, the emphasis is towards the outer structure of life. It's not about the inner, the invisible life code within the for example, that women carry this life code very strongly in their wombs because they've been giving birth since the beginning of time. And so the need is more to look at problem solving and, and looking at the infrastructures from without, that are going to be working and serving us to survive. So perhaps we've reached a time that this is no longer the foreground need. But we need to begin to look at life code inside the invisible, the energies, that forces within us that we need to learn to discover, expand, and ride. So if that is the case, this state of falling in love, this love this energy of openness and undefendedness has to be something that operates and is discovered and is settle within us. And from there we share with another with others. 

If we look at this state of 'in loveness', when we no longer depend of an external, other to be the cause, or the source of that, and inevitably, if that changes, and we begin to feel, in that togetherness, all the conditioning that we both carry, is going to give way once again, to a lot of the pain that we were in before we fell in love. So this step of individuation and reclaiming our in loveness, our sweetness, our capacity to receive the love, which is another way of saying that the divine poles, the life code inside us, brings us to a state of freedom and safety within ourselves. And then we come into the possibility of being inclusive in this love, being able to not exclude and separate and withdraw with another into safety, but expand with others into intimate freedom into the innate pleasure of the intimate freedom that is contained. When we connect when we are connected, we share the connection rather than feel disconnected and hoping for a connection. And these will be the movement of going beyond the romantic model, the pressure of having to become the perfect other, for another. And the having to put ourselves in shapes that are not our natural shape. But we feel or we believe that if we go into these shapes, the other is going to be there for us is, going to love us. And then we begin to warp one another. And that ceases to be loving, but begins to be something that is imprisoning. 

So, I would like to be exploring this, beyond the romantic model possibility. And in earlier episodes, I talked about this divine pulse this cosmic intelligence we are and to anchor nated going through the elements earth, fire, water, air. And now I'm bringing the possibility of looking our world of connecting and connection and grouping and communities and relating and marriage and all of those things, that the ways we know of coming together from a place which is self actualized, which is self responsible, which is not demanding of the world of others, to become, to change, to be in a particular way so that you have particular feelings. And that's a radical departure from where we been. And because let's face it, so far, what our times are telling us is that this form of relationships are not working and people are finding alternatives whether is polyamorous, open marriages, or not wanting to commit to anyone seems to be the trend of the day. And they're all attempts to find something that actually fulfils us. And that's telling us that we are not finding this fulfilment in our relationships, but is actually evoking a pain that's already there, and that we keep regurgitating and recreating. 

So, in the next episodes, I would like to explore this radical departure. And what would it mean for each one of us to edge towards this new adventure? Of reclaiming the in loveness, to live in a state of in loveness, and to share these with others, and claiming the right to pleasure? And I will be talking in the next episode about the right to pleasure. Why is it so important? And why do we fall in so many addictions and ways of getting pleasure that are ultimately causing us a lot of pain for a very short amount of pleasure, transitory pleasure. So I like to bring us closer to the erotic, to the sexuality, to where is this pleasure, that we're all longing for, or perhaps experiencing in different situations, but somehow it feels separate from our functional life is like we're no longer in pleasure. And then we look at the situation that's going to give us embodiment pleasure. So this is juicy subject. And also, it leads us into this beautiful possibility of going beyond the romantic model, and daring to love in a way that is inclusive to all of who we are, and all of what the other brings and is an in there that is a field of immense potential and creativity, and for expansion towards a way of relatedness and relating that is fulfilling, and there is no bondage, or sacrifices or compromises that seem to strangle the wings of our soul.

And I would like to begin in the next episode to hone-in into the right to pleasure and where is the true erotic in our body, and how to bring fulfilling relationships where we can share this language of love, through the body, through our emotions, through our minds, through our invisible connection with everything. And bear with me, this is a challenging subject because it's something so close to our heart. And we all have had journeys of learnings, painful learnings, within the world of relationships, and marriages. And here we are on this edge, stepping into a new landscape of love. Pleasure and relatedness. Thank you for listening. And see you on the next episode.