How to Heal TOGETHER & Build Healthy Relationships

Do you ever feel like the same disappointments keep showing up when dating or in your relationships?

And feeling safe with your partner is essential for you?

In this episode, we uncover the answers to those questions AND a common relationship myth: "You have to be healed BEFORE dating/starting a relationship"

Discover the power of healing together and a key to building healthy relationships that last. 

We explore:

🔑 Two common mistakes when on a healing journey. 

🔑 The unpopular truth about feeling safe (trigger warning).

🔑 How to use the tool of "self-reveal" in your communication. 

Are you ready to receive intimacy, passion, and aliveness in your relationship - no matter where you are right now?

🔗 Get my free "self-reveal" guide and let yourself and your relationships  transform naturally.

P.S. As always, I'm looking forward to hearing your questions, concerns, and takeaways in the comments.

Chapters

• 1:04 The shortcut to all healing
• 2:18 My story with disappointment
• 4:04 Two common mistakes
• 6:13 How to avoid disconnection and conflict
• 7:26 How do you want to be together?
• 8:22 Looking for safety
• 10:40 Using "demand" in communication
• 13:08 Using "self-reveal" in communication
• 13:49 This is where the magic happens
• 15:30 Reigniting intimacy and passion
• 17:08 The source of unmet needs
• 21:22 The myth of healing & a free guide

Transcript

The shortcut to any therapy, to any workshop, to all the stuff that you might have done or learned is relationship. 

Welcome to the Authentic Ecstasy Podcast, a place where we explore our innate intimate freedom to be relational and enjoy our relationships and the freedom that is within us. 

And today I want to dedicate this episode on healing together. How can we establish that trust, that safety so that we can go everywhere together, where we can have that passion that we're longing for, and where we can express authentically all of who we are.

Beyond this first phase of falling in love, in which that person activates all your most delightful qualities, sooner or later, conditioned behaviors are going to come through. 

The person that gives you most pleasure is also going to be the person that's going to bring up old pain. 

So when two people are ready to meet each other and heal together, oh my God. I would dare to say that the shortcut to any therapy, to any workshop, to all the stuff that you might have done or learned, the shortcut is relationship.

Whether we like it or not, they transform us. And we come from a trail of relationships, from the first relationship with our family, with our mother, with our father. And that's where we learn a lot of blueprints and ways of being that serve us, that don't serve us. 

So here we are, the possibility of intimate relationship, a place where we can uncover, discover and begin to thrive, which is what our heart desires.

I can bring myself into the story. In my last relationship where we both did a lot of inquiry into the depth of our wounding and how we were acting it out in the relationship. 

So there was an example of two people who both were choosing to be in relationship, to alchemize and transform, and to be all that we could be. 

We were therapists, we've been also in a path of spirituality. And despite all of that, in my own unawareness of wanting this ideal man, this handsome prince that was imprinted in my fairytale when I was a child, that played an incredible part because I ultimately looked for him to change. And there was a continual subtle disappointment that he wasn't enough, he wasn't doing it quite right. 

And that was kind of subtle fragrance that began to take more and more charge in the relationship. I was in therapy, I was doing all my work, I was so interested in my own issues and yet that filter, it's like a soft filter, created a toxicity in the field in which he felt demanded.

He felt that he needed to be different in some way to really meet me. 

A common mistake is the ideal of perfection. 

I want this relationship to be so ideal that there is nothing wrong, dark, difficult in any way. And that is the first big mistake. We project and we never find that ideal projection in someone. 

And they always lead us to disappointment. That's number one. 

Number two is the disperfection that we seek is going to be established by meeting somebody perfect outside.

Usually people expect the other to be perfect, reason being because it's through the other that we're going to find fulfillment. I see so many couples and what I often observe is that it's the one that's dragging them to the room because they want the other to change.

It's like let's go into therapy, in inverted commas. Let's look at your issues so that you will become the ideal man, ideal woman that I want you to be. 

So for example, good communication, being in the heart and connected to their feelings, having qualities of listening, being sensual, attractive, erotically connected, and all of those things, they demand the other to deliver that they themselves have not developed as qualities. 

And I tell them straight away, I'm sorry, I'm not going to work with you. Why? What? But we're here, and yes, but it's only one of you that wants to do the work. And then I allow the person who's kind of being dragged in to reveal themselves and say the truth that they're only there for the other. 

You want to transform for yourself because that's a very personal choice and we need to honor that.

Does he want to do this work? Does she want to do this work? 

So there is a choice.

that choice has to be wholeheartedly and felt within ourselves. So trying to make the other, to make a choice that is not born in him or in her, it's going to be a disaster because either one person is going to kind of submit in order to follow the other person's will or vice versa and that will lead to power struggle and profound discontent because it's not authentic. Invite the other, ask questions. 

Do you want to heal?  What does it mean for you to heal?

Perfection is a disturbance of a society that has disconnected from relationship.

Relating means eternal growing, eternal discovery, eternal reveal. How do you want to be together with someone? 

Do you want to feel that you are thriving, that you're expanding, that you know more yourself, that you can play, that you can express the whole of who you are, that you are authentic? 

Then apply all I know, all what I desire into this relationship without demanding for them to change, but including myself in a creative, conscious, in a way that is an invitation for them to see more of me. 

Explore who do you become in front of them. 

Not so much trying to be their mother, their therapist, their coach, so that they will come out up to speed. 

Safety, I love this subject. We're not only looking for happiness and love in the wrong places, we're also looking for safety in the wrong places.

When you insist unconsciously or semi-consciously to find that safety outside yourself, you'll be on a roller coaster of irritation, frustration, and then anger, and finally rage over time because the other is not delivering what you want, and the other is behaving more and more in a defensive and obstructing way. 

And you don't even know why, because what you're asking is very simple. Is that not fair enough to want to feel safe? 

Yes, it is. you're asking in the wrong place. Safety is not out there. Nobody can make you feel safe. Safety, it's our inner experience of being rooted, of being embodied, of being knowing of yourself, of being able to have free will and choices. It's inside you. So to demand for safety or to ask or to request, it's a disempowered position. 

How can we ask somebody to be in any particular way and saying, well if he loves me, if she loves me, there will be do say that. So that means if you love me, you're gonna do what I want you to do. And isn't love about not focusing so much on I, I, I, me, me, me, that's okay for the child. But the adult loves and we allow the other to grow, to be their own person, to make their own choices. 

So why demand? Is that love? Is that demand of you make me feel safe? 

Is it the woman, the man in you, or is it the child? 

So, having said that, it is a good discrimination to see who in me is asking for what. Is it coming from something young in me? Is it coming from my adult?

So if we're talking about adult-to-adult communication, it's in that communication that the truth of your need, of your demand is going to be transmitted. 

So for example, let's say that a woman is talking to John and say,

"I feel you never listen to me and I really would like you to listen to me. Is it not obvious that I am here? You said that you would be here and that you would be open to the conversation. I even asked before and you're not listening. I just feel you're absent. You don't feel me."

That's a kind of more fiery version that is quite plain and obvious then there is another one which what I call more watery which is more victim that can be manipulative or it can be sweet or it can be sort of filtering through and demanding for the other to change and it be something like this, 

"Hi darling, I just would really like that you listen to me more because you often I find myself that I'm talking and you're not listening to me and I so love it when you listen to me and it's so good for us to listen to each other, wouldn't you like to listen to each other more?"

So in this second way in which I demonstrated, still the focus, the energy, the impact is about demanding the other to do something for me and trying to convince them in sweet ways. 

This communication is filled with looking for safety outside, this demand. And demand doesn't mean shouting or screaming or using harsh language, it's in the energy that is an agitation, there is a desperation, there is a urgency that the other has to listen to you in a particular way or be with you in a particular way. 

A new way of communication is to talk about what's real for you and it would be something like this. 

"I just want you to know right now that when I'm speaking, I don't know how I'm communicating, but something inside me feels like you're not maybe connecting with me, or you're not listening to me, and I just want to find out if this is happening for you right now. Do you feel connected to me? Do you feel you're

listening? I want you to know something as well, that when I don't feel heard, I shut down and disconnect, and it's something that I am learning to hear myself." 

Here is where we begin the healing together. Whether the other one is in it or not, you can't measure that.

You don't know. But what's happening here is that there is an invitation. I am actually showing the other how I am feeling, what's happening for me. The tone of voice changes. I feel there is a pleasure in me to reveal myself. I'm going to put this analogy of when you are in the bedroom with someone and you want to have sexual contact, it's very different if you take your clothes off because you feel you should, you must, or the other one wants you to, or you want to enjoy taking your clothes off and reveal yourself to the other.

There is pleasure involved, and there is intimacy. The other one feels invited, maybe, to do the same. And, above all, the other feels compelled because there is a transmission of power, of feeling, and the other will remember that when he talks to you, when she talks to you next time, you have impacted on them of how it makes you feel, and 100% they will remember that because it creates an imprint inside them, and they will want to make you feel hurt. But if we do it in the other way, they will forget the next minute, and when you come and sit down with them, they will disconnect immediately. 

So when we move to self-revealing and inviting, the magic that happens is that we fall into the land of intimacy, which is what we first had when we first met. 

There is a discovery, the passion ignites, the heart opens, his heart opens, and in that opening there is an undefendedness and you will feel that you are taken on a ride, that you're not in control, but what is riding you is the heart, is the love, is the intimacy, is the erotic presence, and then you got what you wanted. 

So if we ask a question to another, is it to discover and to want to know more about this person, like when we first meet each other, there are lots of questions. 

We continuously want to discover and ask questions.

And, later on in the relationship, the questions are not to discover the other, but it's for the other to be exposed in the things that he's

doing wrong. When we want to be in intimacy with another, the first requirement is that you're in intimacy with yourself. What do you feel? What is your desire? Take full responsibility of that feeling, of that desire, and then bring it across the space to the other as a self-revelation, not as a demand that he or she needs to fulfill. 

And that kind of comes from our childhood, because the truth is, when we cried, the milk came, hopefully, otherwise we wouldn't be here, and when we were called, a blanket came, and when we needed a hug, the arms came to different degrees. 

So we cry, we make a noise, and then the other's going to come and deliver. And that's true for our first part of our life, not for the second. And if it still is for the second part of your life, then more attention is needed for you to take responsibility of that childhood in which many many needs were not met and that's why we have therapy and all the other work that you can explore to find out what were the missing steps in your early years that make you have today feelings of dissatisfaction, sadness, grief and difficulty on giving or receiving. 

Now, healing together requires us to move from demand, from pressurizing the other to change, to a self-revealing which requires more and more intimacy with oneself and self-knowledge. 

Know thyself. 

The question is, are you ready to bring yourself to a next upgraded version of who you are? It's like a fresh download to gain new skills, simple things that you can do, and it will take you to the next set of skills so that you deepen in that which you love. 

And what you love is to be in safety, to have a vibrant, alive relationship as a gold that your heart desires, to be seen, to be felt, to be loved. Those are qualities that are already residing in you.

We are a generation that carries a lot of trauma because people didn't focus on ability to feel and to communicate and to know what we're feeling and then communicate it. 

Now is the time of this upgrade to be authentic, to self-reveal, to be in intimacy. 

When we move from that, what I call this early part of our life, childhood tendency of model of relating to adult relating in which we discover the other, we inquire, we are more and more connected to our body and our feelings and be able to articulate them. 

That needs to be the interest. 

In that very process of being in my body, in how things impact on me because I am connected and my capacity to engage with that and to see what's going on for me. 

A child needs to feel safe. An adult makes choices of safety because he's connected to himself, to herself. 

And I call this field, the field of transformation. 

And what I'm interested is how do we keep sabotaging that field that is so available to us when we first meet and then a few months down the line, when the disappointments, what we call the betrayals, the lies, and all the things that the other is done to us, then that field completely shrinks and we begin to find exits. We begin to find exits in all sorts of ways, from other people, to spirituality, to yoga. I'm gonna do my yoga, I'm gonna do my tango dance. You never spend any time together because the time together is a time for demands, for pressure, for frustration, and who wants to be there? 

Let's look at healing as a natural evolution rather than I am going to heal, which a lot of people may mean I'm gonna get perfect back to the perfection quest, and then I'm gonna find somebody equally healed and together we're gonna live in paradise. 

No, paradise is not free from pain. Paradise contains both because that's part of our human experience, pleasure and pain, but suffering, That comes from our inability to communicate, to relate, to know thyself.

Beloved listeners, I trust this episode has been inspiring as to how to have this upgraded version of ourselves and enjoy the intimacy. 

And I've created a document with different phrases and examples of when we are imposing ourselves on another or when we are self-revealing. 

And I love to share them with you. Just sign up to the link below and you'll receive these wonderful tips that will allow you to live this rather than to know this. 

Thank you for listening and see you in thenext episode.