Our Healing is 100% our Business

Grieving is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and neither is the healing process. In this powerful episode, we unravel the idea that our healing must be entirely our own undertaking. 

We shine a light upon the unique aspects of our relationships with the deceased, our personal history of grief, and our self-care practices during the period of loss. 

With deep conversations and introspections, we hope to help listeners recognize that life adjustments are necessary after the demise of a loved one, and understanding our unique grief experience is pivotal in comprehending why our healing should be our own endeavor.

Show Notes + Resources:

Grief Gurus Healing Community: www.thegriefgurus.com

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@GriefGurus

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/company/thegriefgurus

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/griefgurus/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GriefGurus/

Lisa McFarland: https://lisamcfarland.com/

Carol Banens: https://carolbanens.com/

Information on books written and published by Lisa and Carol can be found on their individual websites, social media profiles and Amazon.

Transcript

Our Healing Is 100% Our Business

Speaker 1 0:01

Hi , it's Lisa . Welcome back to the Healing Path , a podcast created to connect our broken hearts as we journey into honest conversations about grief and loss in our daily lives . Following the deaths of two of my children , I struggled for many years to fill the holes in my heart . I felt like I tried everything prayer , meditation , therapy , coaching , reading , journaling , waiting , begging you name it . Plus , I tried a few less productive approaches and after two decades of continuing to grieve , it occurred to me that maybe I'd set the wrong goal . Instead of trying to feel better by filling those painful voids , I've learned that building a life around them has a much more attainable target . Speaking openly about my experience of grief and helping to support others to do the same serve as regular reminders that we are not alone , and when we allow all the parts of us to have an expression of life , including the painful ones , we may just feel more human and less like robots on autopilot . So I created the Healing Path podcast with the hope that sharing our stories in a mutually compassionate environment will help us to stop working so hard to hide our scars from ourselves and others and start wearing them proudly . It's the medals of love that they are , so thank you for joining us for this episode of the Healing Path and listeners' note on this one . This is going to be a little bit longer than usual , so feel free to break it up . I know my podcasts are getting a little longer than they used to be , but I try to give you a warning when I know it's going to take a little bit to get this out . So what we're talking about today is a comment that I made , I think , about a week ago or a little more than that , and that was , quote our healing is 100% our business unquote , and I'm going to organize some of our grief experiences into two categories when talking about this kind of accountability piece , and we're going to look at grief as being unique and also universal and look at three components of the way this plays out for each . So , again , this is a bit longer , so feel free to break it up and the name of it is Our Healing is 100% Our Business , and this is posted on the 3rd of August in 2023 . In a former post , we were talking about the need to make appropriate adjustments to our lives when someone we love dies , and that's linked in the post During an extended podcast discussion on this podcast and that's also linked in the post , we stumbled on an important concept that really warrants further discussion .

Speaker 1 3:03

In our review of a few basic ways we can work to help ourselves heal , I made a statement which stirred up some great feedback . Here it is again Our Healing is 100% Our Business . So some of the feedback I got were some questions of intrigue , but also , you know , confusion , such as you mean I have to be devastated by grief and who am I myself ? Or so I can't ask for help . There's no way I can do this alone . Or why is my healing my job ? When someone else killed my loved one and we've all heard this one I'm too tired to take on my own healing . I'm just trying to get through the day and get back to bed . Used to be , I used to be one of my favorites . So this feedback provides substantive content that we can unpack together , because I too , have experienced many of these emotions myself , especially the one about wanting to get back to bed . But , in short , the declaration that our healing is 100% Our Business remains the same , and it's okay that we may not agree . I hope you will continue to share your feedback as we continue the discussion .

Speaker 1 4:22

So , when we're talking about death , we're talking about life , and when we're talking about life , we're talking about our relationships with other people , because what we do , where we go , jobs we have and challenges we rise to these are all detailed activities that constitute our lives , just as they have since the beginning of time . The particulars change when the times do . So how I get to work or what I do when I'm there , that looks different than it did 50 , or even five years ago , but what brings me joy does not . So the way we interact with other beings is not as influenced by the times we live in as the logistics may be . In other words , the details change , but our core relationships are not duplicated ever , and by this I mean to say the way that we carry ourselves through life , the way that we love , the way that we lose , the way that we express fear and joy and devastation as they relate to our contemporaries . This is a once in a lifetime chemistry between two live beings . To be more specific , when you and I interact , it's a once in a lifetime exchange of energy , so it's not something that's repeated . So how I get to work or what I do when I'm there is influenced by the times I live in , but the way that humans interact together is not . So .

Speaker 1 6:06

Let's talk now about the uniqueness of grief , experience , and I've put this into three categories . So the uniqueness of experience it is this uniquely special combination of circumstances between two beings that creates an unrepeatable connection . My experience is that by bringing awareness to three elements of our experience , we may better understand why healing has to be 100% our business . So , when we reflect on the unique nature and again I've got three categories of one , our personal relationship with the deceased . Two , our own aggregate historical grief . And three , how well we were caring for ourselves at the time of the loss , and as we look at these three things , again , these are the unique experiences of grief . So what our relationship is with the person that died , what we bring to the table in terms of our own history and how well we were taking care of ourselves when we lost this person , these are the things that are going to allow what I have as an inarguable truth . So , due to the unique nature of these conditions , the assumption that someone or something outside of ourselves could have the ability to understand our pain and , I don't know , even somehow save us from it , it's a disconnect . So that's what we're going to look at here .

Speaker 1 7:53

So , looking at the first one , let's look at our relationship with the deceased , because this is going to affect how we're grieving and have a direct impact on whether or not we're able to own that process 100% . So the first is relationship with this deceased . So the complexity between my connection to the person that's died and me is only known to the person that died and me . The feelings of loss that are evoked by the death of this person are therefore completely unrepeatable and without a depth of understanding from anyone outside of that relationship . Even feelings I may have with or about that person that died may not truly be known to anyone but me , if me , or sometimes clarity comes that after a person dies can further complicate my emotions about the person and their death . This grief is an internal experience . It would be impossible for anyone else to grasp the complexity , the nature and the scale of my pain , making it unlikely for someone else to have an awareness of what could help me heal from this loss . Number two in this uniqueness of grief category is our personal history of grief and loss , so my relationship to other losses which predate the one I'm currently dealing with they will play a major role in working through the current situation .

Speaker 1 9:38

A death or loss from earlier in life that was not adequately processed can be the catalyst for an overwhelm effect when grieving . Often it is these prior losses that are exposed when a new death occurs and therefore the whole experience is heavier because it becomes one big pile of pain . So failure to grieve in process loss in real time doesn't result in a peaceful heart . At best it's a stall tactic that can lead to levels of grief that are not necessarily commensurate with a future or current loss . There's no problem with the stall tactic . In other words , there's no problem to delay grief . If it's too much to process , it could be a defense mechanism . But never returning to do the grief work can and will result in the levy breaking .

Speaker 1 10:42

Our grief waits patiently for our love and our attention . If we lost a loved one previously and went on about our business as usual , we may find a future or current loss to be a trigger for that previously unmanaged emotional pain . And going to number three of the things that affect us uniquely with our grief , this is a big one the degree of personal well-being prior to the death . So my capacity to grieve this loss will absolutely be affected by how well or not I'm taking care of myself when loss hits . To be more specific , there are tools we acquire over time to navigate difficult situations when we rise to process grief over the course of our life . The hope is that we will have acquired and even honed some of these tools and skills . For example , we wouldn't expect ourselves to respond to a sudden loss or tragedy at 50 years old the same way we would react as a 15-year-old . As we move through life , we have opportunities to hone these coping and self-care skills . Whether or not we have the courage to develop them or invest in the time to understand what our own personal well-being looks like , these things will be direct determinants of how well we can process , integrate and heal from our current pain .

Speaker 1 12:19

In summary of this section , the uniqueness of these three components will have a substantive impact on how we heal , or don't from a current loss . With these three intricacies , it becomes obvious that no one or no thing could be more qualified to navigate our pain and to build a path of healing than we ourselves are . This is a great place to take a break if you're so inspired . Otherwise , we're going to go ahead and continue on with the second section , which is the universality of experience . We talked about the uniqueness of experience . Now we're going to shift to what are the things that are sort of across the board , people that experience loss . Where do we have some common threads ? I've outlined three here . So , fortunately , grief is not only unique , it's also universal . The nature of loss reverberates again and again , manifesting in ways that let us know we are not alone . Here are a couple of common threads that allow us to shoulder our experience of loss with others , once we have done the personal work of bringing awareness to the unique components of our situation .

Speaker 1 13:37

So , in universality of experience of grief , we're going to look at the first one , which is a million manifestations of grief . That's the title of it . Since grief runs on one of the most intelligent in parentheses I have natural AI systems known to humankind , also known as our brains we can count on the fact that there are as many manifestations of grief as there are people hurting Loss . Limiting our experience to a few choices , like sad or mad , would make the grief hurdles easier to surpass . But if you've lost someone you love , you know that there are a million ways to feel the loss of even one person . So when looking at the universal nature of grief , we don't have to share each feeling with someone to tap into it . We can simply acknowledge that mourning is different for everyone and connect on that level without going into the details of our own experience . So one of the reasons that grief groups and other support groups are so dynamic and powerful is that they have the ability to bring people together with the purpose of connection on a universal level . So , in other words , the details of the loss , for example , aren't going to be as important as some of what's happened in our lives after that happens . So that's one of the universal experiences of our grief and again , it's the first one , a million manifestations of grief , because it can just come out in so many different ways .

Speaker 1 15:23

The second one in the universal category , is life as we know . It is over , and I'm going to say that again because this is universal . Think about this life as we know it is over . So , no matter what the circumstances of a death may be , one thing is sure life is different , and so are we . And when we back up out of the specifics regarding our own loss , we find a common connection with others who are in a new world themselves . There is an experience that is a recognition that things are different and that within that different scenario we have to find a way forward . That's a universal experience .

Speaker 1 16:09

So talking with others who have felt the shock and horror of death can ease our pain . Folks really don't know how to navigate the devastation and confusion that can arise from loss . So understanding this sort of shared ignorance about how to build this way forward can actually bring us together as humans , build a connection of sorts , and help us to feel less isolated . And this brings us to number three of the universal experience category , which is no one escapes grief . This might not be great news for you if there haven't been any major losses in your life yet , but if we're going to live in a world of relationships , we are going to lose many of them over time , and not all relationships will end in death , mercifully . But the deeper and wider our relationship circle becomes , the more vulnerable we are to future loss . The realization that death is part of life can actually be a major bomb BALM to our wounds . Really understanding that we're not victims because we're hurting can go a long way in strengthening our resilience when it comes to loss . If we back up and look around , we will see that if we love , we lose , and making peace with that fact can be a great liberator .

Taking Ownership of Personal Healing

Speaker 1 18:03

When we understand the universal nature of experiencing grief , we find a powerful way to help us heal . Tapping into the aggregate relief that can be achieved by knowing we are not alone is a lever we must pull as we build our healing path , but it's not the place to start . As discussed , we must first get clear on our individual situation in order to better understand and process it . This allows us to initiate a process of healing that we manage . Our process can be customized to address our personal gamut of emotions , give them names and context , and this might be a great time to talk with a therapist , a trusted advisor or MD or mental health professional . Engaging in additional support during this process may provide a solid foundation for the tough work ahead .

Speaker 1 19:15

Regardless of how we address the uniqueness of our loss , eventually we can get to a place where we realize our healing is 100% our business . It can't be any other way . There's no one else qualified . No one else has the data and the experience and the history , so we can learn to rest in the understanding and begin to put one foot in front of the other . Once forward steps ensue and we've invested some time and attention in our personal journeys , we can then tap into the omnipresent , universal threads of pain and loss . Trying pain in others is not comforting in and of itself , but seeing ourselves in each other , recognizing the experience in someone else that we ourselves have had , that may just be the shared experience we need to be inspired and to inspire others as we rise in whatever way we can .

Speaker 1 20:43

So thanks again for joining this episode of the Healing Path Podcast . This is another opportunity to take a break as well , but I want to , before we jump into conversation , just say that these discussions are awesome . So I invite you and I encourage you really in my most enthusiastic way to continue to share your responses and thoughts about this , because this is definitely a shift in consciousness , for me for sure , over the last 30 years or more . But posting things under the comments on the blog or , if you just want to contact me directly at infoatleasonmcfarlandcom , as some of you have , I just love these discussions because it moves us closer to the harmony that we crave . So there's no need to go it alone . Let's continue to have these conversations .

Speaker 1 21:38

So , going back to this idea that healing is 100% our business , it's a very potent conversation because , on the one hand , when we've particularly been hit with loss , that is categorized as tragic or untimely in other words , there's an accident , there's a tragedy , there's a murder , there's an assassination , all these things shootings in the schools when these things happen and we are just in shock and devastation , we move through the initial phases of what that all entails . When we lose someone , that can take a couple months or that could take a year . It'll be different for everyone , but when that proverbial dust settles , there's a tendency to feel victimized . It can start at the time of the death , depending on the circumstances , but we have this tendency to feel that we're singled out . I know from my personal experience in losing my daughter at 13 months old . I felt either overlooked by God or singled out because I had already had a miscarriage .

Speaker 1 22:56

And then , at the time that we lost our son at the time of his birth in 2002 , I experienced more of that same emotion of feeling like why am I not allowed to have a healthy baby ? Why do I have to keep going through this ? And that's a whole separate conversation , but I want to bring it back to this feeling of victimization , because what happens is that we can really lean into this idea that it's us against the world , me against the world , or that I feel singled out . And what happens at that point is when I succumb fully to that idea , I completely give away any power that I had at the time . So it's not a good combination to feel victimized and also be powerless . So we want to avoid that .

Speaker 1 23:51

We don't want to give away our power , and going along with this idea that only we can be 100% responsible for our own healing is going back to the unique situation that we talked about earlier in the blog , which is those three components where we are drawing on our very own experience . No one else has the data for you data fans out there . No one else has had our experience . No one knows what this person meant to us or what the complexities of the loss could entail , what kind of trauma could be induced . Sometimes people die and it triggers a memory from you know , decades ago . It can be terribly traumatic . All these things are part of the process . So this is not a good time to be powerless and it's not a good time to be victimized .

Speaker 1 24:49

So one of the beautiful things about this statement , and why I really wanted to spend some time on it , is that it's not only a customized deal . In other words , we're not only relying on ourselves to be our own best advocates and to know what's best for us . At that very same time , just as we gave our power away when we decided we're a victim , we take it back when we realize we actually are the best qualified , uniquely qualified , most aware , most loving and compassionate to ourselves to help us heal than anyone or anything In the universe . So at the very same time that we take our power back , we're also able to kind of provide this support for ourselves . So it's just , it's a beautiful path . That's kind of , you know , weaving itself along and I hope I've been able to convey it the way that it is in my heart .

Power of Healing and Gratitude

Speaker 1 25:47

But in any event , I do appreciate you checking out the episode and there's so much goodness and material in this , in this blog and in this discussion . So I just it's so helpful when I get feedback or questions because it kind of gives me a direction or something else to lead into . So please keep that feedback coming and whatever your loss , whatever you might be hurting . Please also just know that there is a time to own our healing and when that time comes , there's a chance for life to be a little bit different . And that's the whole reason why I'm doing the podcast and why I'm writing is because I never thought that I could look at my losses and my pain in a way that didn't have the power to take me down really at any given moment for almost 30 years . So until we meet again , let's do our best to stay present , to stay grateful and to stay healing . And for those of you who hung in for this whole podcast without taking a break , you rock . Thank you so much and have a great day .