What If Peace Is A Choice You Forgot You Had

You can love someone without letting fear run the relationship. Buddy Ford Jr. sits down again with Brian Metzger to challenge one of the most common traps in Christian relationships: calling something “love” when it is really pressure, guilt, or control. We get specific about what unconditional love means and why it is never manipulation. The surprising takeaway is that because love is unconditional, it requires standards, not to punish people, but to protect freedom, dignity, and human flourishing.

We also unpack a practical framework we keep coming back to: state story strategy. Most of us try to fix our lives by starting with strategy, the next move, the next text, the next argument to win. Brian flips that around and shows why state comes first. Your emotional and spiritual state shapes the story you tell yourself, and that story drives every choice you make in conflict, marriage, leadership, and work. If you have ever felt “stuck,” this gives you language for what is really happening inside you.

To make it concrete, Brian shares an elevator metaphor with floors that represent stress, burnout, emotional breakdown, and depression, all the way up to an elevated state marked by love and the conscious awareness of the nearness of God. We talk about how fear pulls us downward, how manipulation shows up when we are dysregulated, and how receiving grace shifts everything faster than striving. We close with prayer and a clear invitation to practice noticing God’s initiative in your everyday life.

If this helped you name what you are experiencing, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs steadier ground, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What “floor” do you find yourself choosing most often?

This is the Buddy For Junior Show — where faith, truth, and courage come together. Join us as we explore life’s deeper purpose and carry the torch of conviction. The show begins now.

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Transcript

Welcome And Prior Conversation Recap

SPEAKER_00 0:03

All right, everyone, welcome. Welcome to the Buddy Ford Jr. Show, Mondays with the Monk. Brian Metzger joins us again. It's an honor to be here. Thank you. Brian, appreciate you, bro. No, Brian, I'll set it up if you don't mind. So last week we talked about forgiveness, uh, the relationships of Jesus. There were 12 disciples, three very intimate that he took where? Uh to the Garden of Gethsemane and up Mount Tabor. And then there was one that was on his bosom that listened to the heartbeat of God. So go back and listen to last week's episode. And so we talked about it.

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Can I add one more thing about the one who is the closest to him? John, the beloved, was the only one of the men that was at the cross. So there's an evidence further of even though Peter got chose first an order of authority, John has the authority of love, which has the courage to stand at the cross. Love it.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Awesome. So um we talk about people that are in relationships that are in pain or unsafe, get out of them. Like go get help, get out of those unsafe environments. But you know, when you're so rooted in a word and you create a foundation around the word, relationships with worldly people stop impacting us and stealing our peace. And uh I thought that was awesome. And we tease the audience with state story strategy, which you and I have, I mean you and I spent months on that. And then two weeks ago, you and I unpacked unconditional love with standards. And if I could set it up, I have said to you, Oh, I got conditions. Like I'm 55 years old, there's conditions for my relationship. And you said, Well, what about a micro shift there? You said no, you have standards, yeah, but you still live, you still love unconditionally, no matter what. Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

And buddy, actually, from that conversation, I got a new insight that it's actually because love is unconditional, there has to be standards.

Why Real Love Needs Standards

SPEAKER_00 2:25

So can we go there? Let's go right there. Then we'll go to we'll close it with state story strategy. Sweet, sweet.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Yeah. So love brings about human flourishing. Love brings about liberation. So the more human flourishing is, the more liberation there is. Uh, the more liberation is there, there, the more human flourishing. The story of Israel being taken out of the slavery of Egypt and into the promised land, that's a story of liberation. They were slaves, and now they're being made happy, joyous, and free in the promised land. And the so what we're what we're watching is anything when love isn't unconditional, then it's manipulation. When when love and so because the love, because there's only one real love, and that's the unconditional love. Anything that would threaten that, that's the standard. So I there's there's no place for this. Is why there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus. There's no place for manipulation in Christ Jesus, there's no place for uh diminishing another person's freedom or diminishing another person's humanity. The opposite of human flourishing is is human the diminishment of your humanity. So whenever that is happening, we're learning how to recognize, okay, this person doesn't have the capacity for this kind of love. So I'm not rejecting them. They're choosing to stand at a distance. Wow.

unknown 4:14

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

So you don't you don't rise to what's possible. What's possible is unconditional love. You don't rise to your possibil to your potential, you fall to your standards. So I'm learning how to spot manipulation, first of all, in myself. I yeah, self-awareness. So I what's that? I recuse myself. I need to circle back because I'm in I'm in a wrong state. So we'll get to state story strategy here. And in that journey of the state, state story strategy, which we'll be looking at in just a second, the more elevated your state, the more unconditional your love is. The more unconditional your love is, the more elevated your state is. As you descend in your state, we become more and more manipulative. And the more I manipulate others, the more others are gonna manipulate me, like that exchange. So that's why uh the you can't even engage with somebody when they're manipulating. You just okay, if you don't want to do relationship, that's okay with me. I'm gonna go over here and do relationship. I'm I'm Jesus walked in perfect unconditional love.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Okay, so when you say that, like if you can't do relationship at my standards, I still love you unconditionally, but I'm going over here. Yeah. How do you unconditional and go over there?

SPEAKER_01 5:37

Well, so this is the this is the statement is that the every person is free to choose love or fear. If they choose fear, then they'll be walking in manipulation. If they choose love, then they'll be walking in liberation. And so the person actually leaves you.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

Oh, interesting.

SPEAKER_01 6:03

Yeah, because you're standard. Because of the standard, yeah. God, God will never a manipulative back to the line of the language of capacity. Uh you can't give what you don't have. So if you're filled, if a person is filled with fear, control, and manipulation, they're living at a that pri that reptilian level, you know, that the base of the spine. They're they're living at that level. God isn't rejecting them, they're just not waking up to the presence of God in their lives. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

That's so good.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

So, and this is gonna take we we can take this into the state story strategy

Spotting Fear And Manipulation

SPEAKER_01 6:50

because that elevated state that is moving from that lower brain, that lower animal brain or reptilian brain, that fight, flight, and freeze survival instinct, rising up to your higher mind, which begins to open to the presence of God. That's what we're looking for as we as we elevate our state. How do you do that? Okay, so you want to talk about elevated state now?

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Yeah, I think it I think, yes. And at some point, I want to I'd love to share with the audience how you train me in it.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Okay, do you want to share about that first? Maybe that'd be a good kickoff for us. What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? I'd love to hear what you what what your idea of it is and how to build on that.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

We've been working so long that we want to get this in in 15 minutes, right? Yeah. So, folks, one day I got on the phone. First of all, Brian and I start off every time we talk, which is once a week, with the greatness of God. I have to bring to the call in the last seven days where did I experience the greatness of God, which is sets the tone for God and not negativity or not the devil. Okay. One day I get on the phone with him, and I just had a terrible week, man. I'm throwing up all over the place. And Brian goes, Okay, we can now practice and throw and continue to throw up. But I'd like to talk about your state. And so what I heard, and what I'm now interpreting because I practice it now, is where's my state of mind? When talk about the state when you say that, Brian, I'm going, what's the state of my emotions? What's the story my mind's telling my heart that's creating this behavior of how I show up, throwing up everywhere? Fear, pissed off at somebody, feeling taken advantage of, wanting to fight, wanting to flight, right? And what you taught me was okay, let's change our state. So if we focus on our state, and we in order to change it, we got to change the story that you're telling.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

So you get a little upgrade here, buddy. So first of all, great, great setup. I love it. Um, it's refreshing for me to see it from your perspective like that. I I really I really enjoyed that. And clean that up. The let's clean it up a little bit. No, it's not okay, just that last thing you said. Okay, so always start with state. The do you remember actually before we did the tool state story strategy, the very first thing we looked at is catch yourself in the act of being generated. So I know we've taught that on the show before, so people probably heard it. And in fact, when you start, when we start our sessions, you mentioned about bringing the greatness. That greatness is a point in time, whether we name, whether we say being generated or not, that's exactly what it is. And what's happening when we're being generated is God's taking, we're we're bumping into God's initiative in our lives to elevate our state. God is always active, elevating our state. We're just not usually aware of it. Wow. When we're being generated, that's us bumping into the divine initiative by a sovereign act of God.

State Story Strategy In Real Life

SPEAKER_01 10:15

He's bringing us to a higher state. Now, I would love to introduce the elevator. Did we talk? We might not have talked about the elevator in our sessions. So here's here's the elevator. God showed me a hotel building that had 10 floors on it. And he he was showing me that that the 10th floor, that's the elevated state. That's where we want to be. We want to be on the 10th floor. By the way, the 10th floor doesn't just get access to all the square footage of the whole building, it also gives you access to the rooftop garden. And Holy Spirit was working with me because he said, You got a mission to go to the ends of the earth. Don't go and make disciples. So that that rooftop garden actually needs a helipad. So not for just luxury, you know, going out to dinner, though we could do that. But this is go out on a mission. So we want to be in that on the level 10. In the elevator, what floor do you go to? You you press the button. We get to press the button, we get to choose. So the elevated state, that's what we want to choose. That what if the only possible starting point was to receive level 10 penthouse access as a gift from God? He wants to give it. Let's now look at there's 10 floors down in the lobby. That's the depressed state. And then floors three, two, one. Remember, every floor you go down, your state's getting worse. Depressions, there's always worse. There's a basement, there's a parking garage underneath. We don't even go down there. We just talk about the lobby's depression.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Hell.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

Yeah, that's right. So, and and then even in hell, hell can get worse. Um, the Dante's hell has layers in it. So the so three, two, one, three is stressed out, two is burned out, and one is emotional breakdown. So as the elevator goes up, every floor love increases as you as you go up. Every floor, love is increasing and fear is decreasing. The now, here's the the truth that takes a minute to get our head around, but we're choosing the state that we're in. So if somebody comes to me and says that they're stressed out, I know they went in that elevator and they hit floor three. Yeah, they chose it, they don't realize it there, and they'll try to convince me no, this happened and that happened, and this happened, and that happened. So I'm justified to be here, right? Like, no, you're still choosing to be there. Because things worse than that happened,

The Elevator Model For Your State

SPEAKER_01 13:05

not just to Jesus, but to lots of people. Worse things have happened, and they were able to say yes to the gift of receiving the beloved and pleasing identity from God, regardless of circumstances. So we choose the floor that we're on, and it happened oftentimes that happens subconsciously. We don't even realize we're doing it. So if somebody's overwhelmed, I got good news for you. You're hitting level four. Get back in the elevator and say yes to the gift of level 10. Just press the button. It's the easy button. That is so insane. Yeah. So then what that sets up with this elevator image, it keeps it so clear, so uh as to as to what's happening. We do this with our life, we do this with relationships. We think the problem is the relationship. The problem's not the relationship, the problem's the floor you're on. On the third floor, no relationship grows. Preach. So so if you change the floor, you'll change the relationship. People think now, now let's use that building as a metaphor for your life. People think I messed my life up. No, there's nothing wrong with your life. You're just on the wrong floor.

unknown 14:17

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

You think you have a relationship problem, you don't. You have a it's the floor that you're on. You think you have a life problem, you don't. It's just the floor you're on. So we're learning how to how to say yes to the gift. And remember, now here's the um so the state changes first, and then you tell a story. Oh, so that's like it you start with state. Your story, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Yes, that's my dyslexia kicking in.

SPEAKER_01 14:46

Yeah, yeah. And well, no, it's buddy. Listen, I'm telling you, the whole world's got it backwards. We're wired backwards on this. We're we're even we're trying to fix it with strategy, we're trying to fix it by doing something. And so that that's what the the fundamental tragedy of Western religion is that we turn religion into what we're gonna do for God rather than recognizing it's always been about what God's already done for us. So even elevating my state is that's why it's so important to catch yourself in the act of being generated, to recognize God's already got this. Gospel of grace, finished work of the cross. This is already done. I think I'm waiting for God to come and save me. God's waiting for me to say yes to the grace of salvation. He's already saved me. Rooftop's waiting for me. When would now be a good time to say yes to the gift of the rooftop?

SPEAKER_00 15:43

And what I'm hearing and what I've been practicing is something that I've been very familiar with, is change your perspective. Yep, that will that will happen. Yep, that works. I can do that. This is where I'm supposed to be. I'm doing what I'm doing to grow, and this is not as bad as I'm telling myself. If I keep practicing looking or looking at it from another angle or different perspective, I'm finding that my state is enhancing. Is that accurate?

SPEAKER_01 16:20

Yeah. Um the one of the ways that I describe the elevated state is the conscious awareness of the nearness of God. Okay. And the reason that language is so important is because God is near. I'm just not always aware of it.

unknown 16:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

And if I'm not aware that he's near, if I'm not aware that he's here, then I'm gonna be descending. My fear is gonna be increasing, and I'm gonna be descending in that elevator. Right. Okay. So the conscious awareness of the nearness of God. Oh, this when Jesus teaches us to pray, the Our Father, we know it in English as our Father who uh our Father who art in heaven. But if you hear it in Aramaic, it would sound more like I take a moment to become aware of the one who's closer to me than my very breath. So that's that shift. I mean, as soon as you pause and you do that, you make space for God, and your state changes like that. You don't, you don't have a life problem, you have a floor problem. You don't have a relationship problem, you have a floor problem. You don't even have a business problem. You have, if you're on that on that 10th floor, everything comes back in line. Families are healed, relationships are prepared, businesses thrive. Um, you name it. Marriages are saved.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

I love it. The kingdom is built.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

Yeah, that's it. And even watch this the kingdom is built. Like back to you were teasing me last time. I got your number here. Psalm 127. Unless the Lord builds the house in vain do the builders labor. Like, I take that for real. Like, God doesn't need us to build the house. We're wasting our time. That's aka starting with strategy. Strategy, I think I need to do it. No, I need to open my eyes to see what he's already done.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

So good. Yeah. That was awesome. I want to be respectful of your time. You had a hard stop.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

You want to want to circle us back to prayer and close the episode out?

SPEAKER_01 18:34

Yeah. Now now let's just see. So we did we we said two things we promised. We're gonna talk about standards and unconditional love. And so, and what we added today about that equation

Nearness Of God Changes Everything

SPEAKER_01 18:45

is the realization that because love is unconditional, there has to be a standard. Got it. So, and that that standard, what that standard is the love happens. Oh, by the way, remember said in the elevator, as you go higher, fear is decreasing every floor you go up. By the time you get to the tenth floor, perfect love casts out fear. There's no more fear. As long as there's fear there, we're gonna try to manipulate. So that standard is like we can't do love on level three. You can't even really do you can do a good relationship on level nine, but there's gonna be some fear there, which means there's gonna be some manipulation. So get the 10. Yeah, so so that's this. So that's the standard. So love is unconditional. We didn't decide that. That's just who God is. God is love, God is unconditional. If you want love, that's it's gotta be unconditional. So that that means so because love's unconditional, there has to be a standard. So that's so that's the standard and unconditional love conversation. Then we did said we do the state story strategy. We focus most of our time on state. We use this image of the elevator to so that people can picture it, they can walk away with a very clear picture of where they are, and you can be wherever you want to be. Say yes to the gift. Um, the reason we didn't spend more time on story is because if you're in the elevated state, story's done.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

I love that. I do use it.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Ding, ding, ding, baby. So, standard and and unconditional love, state story strategy, and we introduce the elevator. I think we're all set, we're ready to pray it out. Buddy, why don't you lead the prayer out this time? Oh man, you're killing me. You still gotta work out now.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Yeah, Lord, we um we thank you for Brian and his wisdom, and and more than anything, we thank you for your word, for your truth, and for Jesus. We thank you that the work is already done. The building is what you have built, and we have to get out of our own way and out of our heads and learn to see your gifts, learn to see being generated, and practice elevating our state. Yeah,

Prayer And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 21:05

because it's already been done, and we just make it a lot more difficult. Thank you for your patience and thank you for your grace in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Amen. And Father God, I just want to thank you that you're a God of transformation. I think I want to thank you that you're opening eyes, even as people are hearing this podcast, their eyes, they're receiving the grace of having eyes that see the way that you transform lives. And I just we come into agreement with that, say, Father, and we just say, Yay, God, thank you, Jesus, more, Lord, increase, increase the transformation that you're already working, and increase our eyes to be able to see it, that we'd be able to see it, that we'd be able to say it, that we'll be able to celebrate it. Because it's by the word of our testimony that the victory that you've already won for us gets released in the earth. And we pray this in Jesus' name.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Amen.