Self(ish) Confidence

[277] Living life as an experiment

• Jess Clerke • Episode 277

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Have you ever looked back at a version of yourself from five years ago and barely recognized that person? Welcome to the beautiful evolution of becoming.

When I placed the word "experiment" on my vision board before entering motherhood, I had no idea how powerfully it would reshape my approach to life. Rather than clinging to rigid expectations or perfect outcomes, I've discovered the freedom that comes from approaching each day with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to gather data, adjust approaches, and continuously adapt.

Join me for this heartfelt exploration of living experimentally. Your future self will thank you for approaching this chapter not just with survival in mind, but with curiosity, courage, and a playfulness that transforms even the most challenging seasons into adventures worth having.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where we can connect and be real about how hard it is to be your damn self. My name is Jess and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside by their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here and we are in a season of figuring things out. Actually, one of my words for this year that I had put on my vision board was experiment and I wanted to go into motherhood. Come here, benny. My cat's also in the room recording with me. My little guy is napping in the other room. I snuck away so that I could record this for you and yeah, we are just in a season of experiment. Yeah, I put it on my vision board. I wanted motherhood to be an experiment, essentially, so I wasn't going into it with like it had to be this way or this is the vision that I had for it, or it was going to be all perfect, right, I knew it wasn't going to be perfect. I knew it was probably going to be really freaking messy and I had no idea what it was going to look like. So how could I go into it with a different mindset? And I decided to go into it with the mindset of experiment. Like everything was an experiment so that I could test things out, see how things go Like. Do you remember being in high school and having like your little chemistry experiments and all the things that you would like put it together to figure things out, to try things, and sometimes it didn't work and sometimes it did and you'd have your. What was it like in the? Oh man, I really hated doing these. It was like the whole. Like it was like five things you had to write about. Anyways, we're not even gonna go back to high school in that, but oh, that's how I feel.

Speaker 1:

Where I'm in this season of motherhood. We are experimenting even right now sitting down and doing this podcast episode. I have no idea how long he's going to nap. I have no idea if this cat, who's in this room with me, is not going to cry the entire time. I have no idea, you know anything. We're figuring things out and I've really been walking into my whole life and if you've been a part of this podcast for the last three and a half years, experimenting through everything and figuring things out as I go, but this season especially feels that way Since the beginning. So our son is three and a half months old. He's like 16 weeks today or something. Yeah, that's crazy. And it's been an experiment the whole time time, especially when he was really little and he had jaundice.

Speaker 1:

So we had to track, you know, his diapers or track what we were feeding him, and I made sure that I was doing it in a manageable way because I didn't want to get too overwhelmed. You know how sometimes my type a people I see my friends who have to know every single detail and put everything out and be super, super organized that is me, and if you've ever come to one of my events or retreats or anything which our retreat is coming up this weekend, I'm just not that way. I like to have things with a lot more flow and everything works out really well. But it's just I do things a little bit differently than someone who might be like a little more structured in that. So I wanted to track things like I was supposed to, especially when, in the beginning, when he wasn't gaining weight and he was jaundiced, so he wasn't eating enough and he was quite sleepy. I wanted to track things one at a time.

Speaker 1:

So we started with tracking diapers. What diapers meant that he was eating enough and so knowing how many wet diapers he was having, that was one of the questions the doctors would always ask. So for the first little bit, I was tracking diapers. Then we moved into quantity of food, like how much were we feeding him, or how long was he feeding for, or if I was pumping, how long was that for? And tracking those things and only focusing on food. So it's like, okay, I don't have to think about diapers anymore, we got enough wet diapers, like we're good there. Focusing on food, once he was gaining weight, I was like cool, we don't need to be tracking this anymore, he is eating enough, we are good.

Speaker 1:

And just not even even knowing necessarily the times Cause in the beginning it was like every three hours and if you are a parent and you had a newborn, you know what I'm talking about Season of just like every two to three hours, making sure that there's food regardless of if they're sleeping or not. That was a season, okay. And then now, these last two weeks, I have been so deeply focused on naps because it seemed like the season of naps on the go were changing and the dreaded four month regression that everybody talks about I knew was coming for me. And with having my retreat this weekend, it's my first weekend that I'm going to be away from the baby for a chunk of time and, although we have space that he can come and he can stay, I wanted to make sure that things are just like, hopefully, going to go really smoothly without me being here, and one of those ways is making sure that he's on top of his naps. He takes like five or six naps a day. It's insane and he's quite consistent in them, but it did take.

Speaker 1:

Creating an environment is the one thing that I will say, and like a routine around it that I just am not typical to doing and, as you know, as someone who's very flowy, following a particular schedule isn't always the easiest, but it has been very beneficial in him not getting overtired, in him not getting too cranky and in him having like really good naps and I slipped away. A couple weeks ago I did an episode with him napping on me. It's been a nap trap situation probably since I became a mom, which I am not mad at at all. Even slipping away to come do this podcast episode, I had a little twinge of sadness because he was so cute and cozy and cuddly, but I slipped away. Now I'm watching him on the monitor as I made this podcast episode and that was a five minute rant.

Speaker 1:

Just to tell you it's okay to experiment in life. It's okay to not have a plan, it's okay to not know what the heck is going on, and I know for my type A friends it's really really, really, really hard. People who love structure this season, I can understand, must be so freaking difficult for you because we are a ticking time bomb. We have no idea how long he's going to sleep for, we have no idea how much he's going to eat or when he's going to want to eat, and sometimes it's, you know, a few minutes and sometimes it's like half hour of eating and you just like there's so many unpredictables in this season that it needs to be an experiment, like every single nap needs to be an experiment. Every single feed needs to be an experiment, because if I were to go into it thinking every single nap was going to be predictable and it was always going to be an hour, every single one, sure, maybe my season moms are going to come to for me and they're going to say, jess, don't worry, it's going to get there. You're going to know that predictability. But right now everything is experimental to the point where I don't even know if my coffee is going to be hot when I drink it. It's just an experiment all the time, and it's been a really, really interesting season to just surrender to it a little bit more. And I'd love to know if you're in that season too, whether that's in motherhood or in business.

Speaker 1:

The unpredictability of business, too, right. I know some of my girlfriends who are planning events right now and you just like have no idea how many tickets are going to get sold or who's going to come or what's the outcome going to be Like. There's just so much unpredictability in business and even in life. You have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. You can think you're going to wake up and you're going to go to work and you're going to come home or you're going to go to the gym, or you're going to have this for dinner. Like you can think, you have every detail planned out, but you have no idea what's coming tomorrow. And this has been a big one lately where we had a recent death in the family and it seems like a lot of people I've been talking to have had, like a grandparent, who have passed, or it's just been wild that that's been a season for so many people that I know and there's just been so many funerals lately. You literally have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring.

Speaker 1:

Every day of your life is an experiment. That's the truth, even if you're the most organized person in the world, which I surround myself with some of those people because I need it. I love that for you and I'm so grateful that you exist. But seasons like this can be really difficult if you're someone who likes everything to be so organized and structured, because it just can't be. And even in the way the world is going and we can, we know this now. We were alive in 2020, right. One day, everything is so perfect and fun and you know you're packing your bags and getting ready to go on vacation and the next day the world is shut down, right, we do not know what tomorrow is going to bring. So if we can bring this energy of experiment into more, it is going to help you to have a little bit more ease and a little less stress when it comes to these seasons that just feel really unmanageable.

Speaker 1:

And one of the things that I tell a lot of new moms and again, I am a new mom okay, we are only like just about four months in. Okay, I have no idea what I'm doing. Let's just make that clear. But I do have more of an idea of what I'm doing than someone who's pregnant, who has never done this. So like we're just a few steps ahead, right. And what I always tell to people who I've met who are pregnant and are like what can I expect? I'd just be like slow down, start your slow down process now, because if you're someone who hustles all the time, if you're someone who's go, go, go, go go, you're going to really struggle in this first chunk of season. Thankfully I am someone who's a little slower. Glenn, my husband, he had a little bit more pep in his step than I do, thankfully. So we have a good balance here in the house to get things done and to also slow down. But had I not slowed down all last week with this nap situation, we would not be here right now. I would not be sitting here recording this podcast episode for you, because I'd probably still be struggling with the naps and it's not perfect.

Speaker 1:

He's awake right now, but he is just chilling in there. He's actually a pretty chill dude, but it's just a season of of being a little bit slower, from that newborn beginning and your body is physically not there to where we are now trying to figure out naps and feedings and all this stuff. It's slow and I just want to remind you you can embody this in all areas of your life. It doesn't even have to be if you're in motherhood, right. It just finding ways to slow down a little bit more in your life is really going to help you to adapt to seasons of change a bit more. Maybe you're in one, maybe you're in, you know, the morning season, or you're in a new job, or you're in a season of figuring things out too. I'm right there with you. We can do this together. We can slow down, we can enjoy the process and experiment a little bit more in our lives. And, with that being said, my experiment just woke up so I brought him in to the room where I'm recording and hopefully he's just gonna be chilling. He's staring at me right now. Hello, my friend, hello little guy. Anyways, let's see how this goes.

Speaker 1:

This is an experiment. This whole whole podcast. Lately I feel like this season, yeah, everything has been an experiment. Today I really want to talk to you about lifetimes. My husband and I we went for a drive the other day. We were going to go pick up this sweet little picnic table from my friend who lives in the area where we used to live when, essentially when I started this podcast and I was recording in my spare bedroom on the carpeted floor, just sitting on the floor recording episodes, because that was where I could get the best sound or going into the closet with the like carpeted floor and the coats all around me and recording a podcast episode so I could kind of get sound where my dog wasn't barking at that point, when she was a little puppy. This is just like, yeah, the whole thing has been an experiment now that I sit here and I think about it, but anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about today.

Speaker 1:

What I really wanted to talk to you about today was these lifetimes, and so we went for this drive and we drove by our old house. We lived there for seven years essentially, but two of those we were in Barbados and there was a person living in our house while we were gone. And so it was just this wild feeling, driving by that house and realizing that there are whole different people who lived in that house, the versions of ourselves now, the lifetime that we're in now, especially now as a mom and a dad that wasn't even a thought when we lived in that house. We were a whole different lifetime ago and a whole different housing market. When we bought that house, we were mind blown, thinking about the investment when we bought that house, the situation when we bought that house, the people who we bought the house from. There were an older couple who were getting ready for retirement or getting ready to go in the home and couldn't manage a house anymore. And we got a killer deal on it. We gutted it, renovated the whole thing, and it was just like this wild experiment of figuring out how to be homeowners at a young age, right at a university, right before we got married and the version of Jess and Glenn, who were homeowners in that home, and a family in that home, are different. In that home and a family in that home are different, very different people than we are now, even from like a dynamic of like our family. It was Glenn and I and our one cat, who you might have heard earlier crying, locked in this room, where then we eventually got a second cat in that house and then eventually came home from Barbados with our dog and moved into this new house seven years later, and so it's just a growth that happens in these homes and lifetimes that happen.

Speaker 1:

The version of you is ever evolving and sometimes you can look back and you can think I don't even recognize that person anymore, and that was essentially what happened when we drove by this house. We drove by. I don't have any feelings for the house other than it was a really great investment and helped set us up to move into the home that we're in now, and of course, it was great to have a space, a wonderful space, to grow in. It's just I didn't have any attachment to the house and actually we bought that house knowing it would never be our forever home, but driving by and seeing it still looked the exact same Paint colors. You know, everything looked the same. It was just like such a surreal experience and maybe you've noticed that in something in your life like an old job you used to go to and all of a sudden you go back to and you're just like whoa, this used to be my every day. I came here every single day and now I can't even like fathom in my head like going back to that version of me or going back to that lifetime.

Speaker 1:

Everything is changing and maybe you can think that too about going back to like high school or going back to living with your parents, right, and you just be like, oh my gosh, like I don't even recognize the version of me who was in high school, right, because we are supposed to be evolving, we're supposed to be ever-changing, and I think sometimes I can look back on childhood a little bit differently than thinking of it as a lifetime and thinking of it more of like childhood. But if I go back into versions of myself in my marriage even the Jess of last year who was just finding out she was pregnant after never wanting kids it was just like a totally different lifetime ago. Pregnancy feels like a lifetime ago. Business and who I was last year is very different in how I'm focusing on business this year and it's just been one massive experiment in finding out that we are a whole new version of ourselves. Every single year.

Speaker 1:

Almost it feels like lately and if you think about it too, especially since the pandemic, we are a very different version of ourselves than we were five years ago. And if you come at me and you're like Jess, I'm the same person I was 2019 to now, I'd be like ha ha, that is a funny joke. There's just no way. There's just no way that that could be the case, because we have gone through so many transformational experiences, even as a collective in this world, and we're continuing to go through them. There's no way you're staying the same. I'd be so shocked if someone told me that they were the same person pre-pandemic to where they are now. There's just no way Again.

Speaker 1:

Now, when we look back at it, I think it was five years ago. Like five years ago, we were locked in our houses. It still blows my mind that five years ago, we were trying to figure out if we were going to stay and move into Barbados semi-permanently or if we were going to come home and stay in Canada and know that little bit more predictability as much as you could in that season, right, and Every decision that you make is what's guiding you into these different versions of you, into these different lifetimes. And even right now, as I sit here recording this podcast episode, hanging out with you and my little guy is chilling in his crib playing with his toys and staring at me Whoa, I feel emotional as I think about this. That is just not a vision or a version of a lifetime I ever thought I was going to experience and I'm so, so, so, so, so grateful I did.

Speaker 1:

This is never going to turn into a podcast of like you should have kids Never. I would never say that to you. I personally am just really grateful I did. He's a really cool dude and if you ever get the chance to meet him, I know you're going to fall in love with him too, because he's just like the cutest freaking smush you ever could see. And it's just been a really interesting experience to see the lifetime that can change even in just a few months. And here's the thing when it comes to these lifetimes and when it comes to these major life events that have been happening in the world and that we can just be like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1:

I think as millennials which I know a big chunk of people who listen to this podcast are probably around the same age as me right, we're in these seasons together. You're Vibe, attractor, tribe, right, and I know that when it comes especially to this podcast, you connect and feel relatable here and I'm so grateful for that, because I just feel like we're hanging out and we're sipping our coffees. Maybe you're kind of cold coffee too, maybe your baby's chilling on the floor, maybe your dog, maybe you're out walking your dog or you're at your office desk and you're just like I don't want to work. So I'm going to listen to Jess's podcast. I see you, my friend, I love you, I'm so glad you're here and if you're like me, the only time I really get to listen to podcasts is when I'm out for a walk or when I'm driving the car. So if that's you right now, I see you, I'm so grateful that you're here.

Speaker 1:

But the truth is we chose to come here at this time, like that's just is the truth, or I should say that's the truth that I believe is that our souls chose to come to earth at this time and as millennials, we can think like, okay, we've been through this and this and this and this and this. Like this has been a a this has been a doozy. But I was reading this post this morning about someone who was born in 1900 and what they would have gone through you know, world war one and world war two and um, all like just so many things that they would have gone through the great depression and the experiences that they would have had. They probably were thinking the same thing that we're thinking like what the heck I came to earth at this time. But the truth is you're here for a reason. You're here for a reason.

Speaker 1:

You chose to come to earth and I was talking to a client about this the other day and I was just like you know what. Like we're here to have fun. We're here to be like a fluff in the air. We're in the season of dandelions. Essentially, picture yourself as like one of those, like the fluffy dandelions with all the little seeds on them that go everywhere and make your grass real. You know weedy, but think of it in a good way. You're like that fluff and you are just here to float around and to have fun and to experience earth. And I picture as a soul someone's gonna be like Jess, what are you? What's in your coffee this morning? I picture us to be coming to earth. Essentially, is that vacation?

Speaker 1:

Coming to earth is the vacation. It's the place where you get to come and learn and grow and have fun and we take it so freaking seriously. We do, and don't get me wrong, this world is difficult and obviously we need places to live and money to survive and things to do, but we take it so seriously that we forget that it is an experiment, that it's something to have fun with, and our souls are here to just learn and grow and they chose to be here during this really crazy, weird time that we're in because we're here for a reason. We're in because we're here for a reason, and maybe you need that reminder today where you're just like I don't know what my purpose is. I've been going to this job in, day in and day out and sure I have money, or maybe you don't, and you're just like I don't know why I'm here or what's going on, but you are here for a reason and it might not be this very like, straightforward, like I came to earth to plant trees, I don't know. I looked at my window and saw that there were some trees Like it might not be that like specific of a purpose, or I came to earth to have this job, or to you know, birth this child, whatever it can be a variety of things and why you're here, but there's something that you need to learn and there's a reason that you're here right now in the way that the world is right now, and I actually find it really helpful to think and to know that. Again, as someone who likes to experiment through life, I find it really helpful to know that I have a reason and a purpose for being here.

Speaker 1:

And even as we get ready, this weekend is my fifth selfish retreat, fifth Five. I even said it to Glenn. I'm like can you believe that I have done five retreats so far and we're almost sold out on the sixth one? Because next year we're going to Barbados and it's already up for sale and if you are like Jess, I want to be in Barbados. There's only two spots left. That's it, and we are in a house with limited space, so unfortunately, that's all I can fit. So I'll put the information in the show notes for you if you're listening and you're like I really want to go.

Speaker 1:

But, like, this weekend is my fifth retreat and things feel a lot more easeful than they used to and a lot more flowy and I've just learned and planned and grown in a variety of different ways through the years to build these retreats. And as I'm getting ready and packing things up and planning all the little details, I have seen so many angel numbers and synchronicities through this process and for me that's always that tail sign of like, hey, I am guided, this is where I'm meant to be, because in the season two I can be questioning hey, my little guy's not even four months old and I'm leaving him for a weekend, essentially and sometimes I can get caught up in my head on what's the right choice, what's the right decision. And I think as working moms especially and entrepreneurs, we have a hard time kind of navigating those two seasons too. But I just needed those reminders, these little synchronicities, these signs. For me it's often like little birds that I see and it can be that reminder that I'm on the right track, that I'm here for a purpose, and even when you're questioning things things like leaving your baby for the first time, or maybe leaving a job that you have been pretty secure in for a really long time but it's just not fulfilling your needs anymore. Or maybe it's, you know, moving into a new home and starting a whole new lifetime in a new space and and really just starting to navigate these different seasons for you. Sometimes we need a little sign, we need a little something extra, and I've been feeling that and noticing it lately through the synchronicities of seeing these signs. But the version of me who did my very first retreat in 2022 and the version of me who's doing my fifth retreat here in 2025, it's just wild to see the differences and to see the lifetimes that have been created in not only myself but in the attendees and the people who you know came to the first retreat, and I can even like visualize. Some people who came to the very first retreat are also coming to the sixth retreat, which is next year in Barbados. Right, and it's just so beautiful to see the lifetimes not only of myself but of those around us.

Speaker 1:

Can you hear my little guy in the background? He's quite vocal, he wants to be heard on the podcast too, and I can't help but laugh at the season that I'm in, that Jess of one year ago would have just couldn't even fathom in her head what life would look like now. I said that a lot last year when I was pregnant and I was just like I don't even know what business and life and this podcast is going to look like next year. I have zero clue and I still don't really know. We're figuring it out as I record this episode with a little baby on my lap. He's not actually little, he's actually quite large.

Speaker 1:

But truth is is, when it comes to the world that we live in and the life that you're living, it's going to change every single day. You have no control over what's going to come today, tomorrow, even a year from now. You can think you can control it and you can put everything out on a list and you can plan all the details and you can be organized, but I have no idea what's going to even happen this weekend at the retreat. I can have a plan and I can map out the workshops and I can know who's coming, but I still don't know what's going to take place, where the conversations are going to go, who's going to be their new best friend, right Like I can't control those things. You know if this guy is going to be there new best friend right Like I can't control those things, you know if this guy is gonna be there or not. We don't know. You know, we don't know how things are going to go, and that's why it's so important to walk into it with a mindset of it being an experiment. Walk into this lifetime with the opportunity to grow, with the opportunity to be, with the opportunity to flow.

Speaker 1:

And I think if I hadn't opened up the idea of even creating a family and opening the door to the possibility of a lifetime changing and again, this can go in so many different directions, like a new job, or the partner that you're going to be with for the rest of your life, or you know the partner that you thought you're going to be with and you are not right. This can be applied to so many different areas, and it's the season that I'm in right now with a little guy, but for everyone it's not the case, right. And so think of it in where you're at in your life Maybe that's business, relationships, family, anything right and think about if that were to change, would you know where you'd want to go? Would you know what you want to do? It cannot be perfect, it cannot be the streamlined everything, because we know, now more than ever, that things can change on a dime, that things can change so instantly. Whether you planned it or not, whether you started the family with that in mind or you left the job knowing you want to change, you still do not know what tomorrow is going to bring.

Speaker 1:

Do not know what tomorrow is going to bring, and so I urge you in this season to have a little bit more fun, to make things a little more playful, to stop taking earth and life so freaking seriously and maybe start to have that little bit of childlike wonder. Right, if you could go back like what were the things that you loved doing as a kid? Where can you experiment in that a little bit more? I remember when I was a kid I had this like my sister got the Easy Bake Oven and I got the Easy Bake Bugs, and you could like bake bugs. They're like gooey bugs. Anybody else is listening to this. I know there's someone who had it too.

Speaker 1:

But what brought you that joy when you were little? What brought you, you know, that little smile on your face, those activities, those adventures, even in different lifetimes, not even just as a kid. You know what brings you joy right now in what you do. I challenge you to lean into it and to have more fun, because there's going to be a time when you look back on this lifetime where you are right now, in the season that you're in right now, and you're like, oh my gosh, that feels like a whole lifetime ago. That feels like I don't even recognize that person anymore because I am so different. And it's going to happen. There's going to be a version of you that looks back on where you are right now the person who's starting the business, the person who's working in this job, the person who is in motherhood, whatever it is for you. There's going to be a time you look back and you are not even going to recognize the version that's sitting here right now listening to this podcast episode. So where can you have more fun? Where can you have more play? Where can you experience earth and this crazy world that we live in just a little bit more?

Speaker 1:

I am so grateful that you're here and that you're on this journey of finding your confidence and figuring things out and letting there be a little bit more experiment in the season that you're in, and I'm so grateful you're here and you're thinking things through and you're just spending some more time focusing on you and your confidence, because you deserve to feel great in every lifetime, in every season, and sometimes it just takes a little bit more effort and a little bit more experiment. So let's be scientists together, figuring this out and just navigating these crazy seasons in this crazy world that we're in. I will put the information for Barbados retreat in the show notes for you. Again, there's two spots, two spots, and that'll be my sixth retreat, which is wild to think, and yes, it's a year from now, but it's fun to have something to look forward to. I am already so excited and can't wait for Barbados retreat next year.

Speaker 1:

So if that's something that interests you, I'll put the information in the show notes. And if you're just like you know what, jess, I'm looking for some friends and some people to connect with in this experiment that we're on. We also have the Selfish Sisterhood. The doors are open so you can come in and join a community of people who get that. We're all just experimenting and figuring things out and navigating new seasons, and it's just a really fun place for you to be able to get to know yourself while get to knowing others, and it's just filled with love and kindness and experimentation, right. So I'll put those information in the show notes for you and I hope you have a wonderful week.

Speaker 1:

Thanks so much for allowing me to experiment here on this podcast for the last three and a half years, but also just in this episode as we navigate the season of figuring out naps and figuring out how to record when a baby is awake and now currently feeding. So we're just going through all the motions here of figuring things out and I'm just so grateful for you and for your patience through this, and just maybe you're enjoying watching me figuring things out and experimenting in this season too. So I'm so grateful for you. I hope you have an awesome week and I'll talk to you soon. What's up, sis? I am so glad we could hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget you are magic. Let's show the world your shine.

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Jess Clerke

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