Self(ish) Confidence

[292] Building Confidence While Letting Go Of Old Selves

• Jess Clerke • Episode 292

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A cup of tea, a quiet house, and one piercing thought: new people only know the version of us they meet today. From there, we follow a warm, honest path through identity shifts, seasonal energy changes, and the subtle grief of putting old selves on pedestals. I share why December feels lighter than the fog of October and November, how a nine year invites endings, and why shedding—like the snake—can be the kindest move you make for your future.

We dig into practical confidence you can feel in your body. Tiny movements become powerful rituals: calf raises at the cutting board, hand shakes on the sidewalk, hip openers by the playpen. The goal isn’t to chase an image; it’s to move energy and rekindle self-respect. Alongside movement, I walk through simple self-knowledge prompts to meet your current season with clarity: What does a yes day look like now? Which foods, friends, and rhythms feel like celebration? With a nod to human design, I show how tuning into your inner signals—gut, emotions, or intuition—helps you make decisions that align with who you are today.

Interested in my Barbados Retreat? Get all the info here to claim that last space.

Press play to feel seen, to move a little, and to choose the you that exists right now. If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a friend, and leave a quick review so more women can find their way back to confidence.

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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Selfish Confidence, a place where you can connect and be real about artists and be your damn self. My name is Jess, and my goal is to help you build confidence and belief in yourself to live any life path you want, even if it's unconventional. It's time to flip off societal pressures and connect with women who've also felt on the outside about their life choices. We're here to encourage you to grab the mic and speak your truth. I know it can be scary, but we're in this together. Let's get started. Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the Selfish Confidence Podcast. It's Jess here, and I'ma set the scene for you. I'ma set the scene for you on this beautiful night. I swapped rolls. Glenn is upstairs. Glenn, my husband, is upstairs putting the baby down, and I am down here with a cup of tea, pajamas on the bottom, shirt on the top. So we are partying and ready to hang out. And I have just been thinking about spending this time with you and hanging out with you all week. I I feel like I'm softening my voice a little bit. My little guy's bedroom is right above where my office is. So my office used to be my little guy's bedroom, and then I moved down here to where what used to be our spare room and is kind of now a multi-purpose space. But I have fallen in love with coming down here because it's almost like coming into this little cave. It's not that bad. It sounds kind of funny when I say like that, but like it's a really beautiful space to be able to just be and to spend time with myself and to meditate a little bit before even coming on the microphone. And I just I really, really enjoy these evenings hanging out with you. And although I don't know when you're listening to this in real time, you could be listening to this first thing in the morning. Maybe you're a 5 a.m. sister and you're like, I am up and at it and ready to go, or maybe you're out walking the dog, midday lunch break, take the dog for a little walk, or on your way to work driving in the car. I listen to so many podcasts when I'm in the car because it's kind of one of the moments where I can like focus on one thing, like driving, and also have something playing. Uh, it's my favorite time to listen to podcasts. And so I don't know what time of day you're actually listening to this, but I'm just grateful that you're here and that we're able to spend this time together and hang out because I don't know. I always just visualize us hanging out, like as if we're sitting in the living room and the Christmas tree's on, and it's just like this beautiful snuggly vibe, and we're hanging out and chatting about life and everything that's been that we've been facing lately. And I know a couple weeks ago I made a podcast episode about the energy of really November, the heaviness that there was, the confusion that there was, and it really feels too be lifted. If you're listening to this in real time, this is early December, we're getting ready to walk into the holidays here soon, and it is just yeah, the energy feels really different. It's like about taking some of that heaviness, taking some of the things off our lists, and also um saying goodbye to some of the things that we have been holding on to for too long, and also maybe some of those things where you've been holding on because you really, really, really don't want to let go. But this year being a nine year, nine, uh in numerology is all about endings, and then also it being the year of the snake, all about shedding and getting rid of things. There are a lot of things and a lot of us who are saying goodbye to chapters and closing doors that we didn't really plan to be closing or know that we were gonna be closing, and uh I have been feeling that really deeply lately, but also and I should say, and also I've been feeling it really deeply lately, and I've also felt the release lately, and as we've walked into this new month, this energy that feels different, and I'd love to know if you're feeling that too, because normally this time of year can be quite chaotic as we go into Christmas and like oh I have to get this, and then like obviously we're busy, but the energy is very different in December than it was in October and November, like very different, and I'm just really excited for this new chapter and this new season coming. That being said, I just also remembered we have a spot that opened up for our retreat to Barbados. If you have been looking for a little sunshine, because we had a cold spurt a couple days, and I was like, Countdown is on, like booking my flights, countdown is on. I cannot wait. We are going May 3rd to May 9th, uh, 2026, and it is gonna be a wonderful week. We went two years ago, and it was the most magical retreat and the most magical week of probably my entire life. I shouldn't say that since I'm now a mom, but anyways, it was a great, great um experience. And so what happens in this week is we focus every day on some kind of confidence-building activity. The focus is on building you, helping you to see yourself in the light that the rest of the world sees you, in the light that the rest of the people at the retreat see you, and really helping you to believe that. So when you walk away from going to our selfish retreat in Barbados, you are going to be way more confident, stronger, know who you are, and have had that time for rest. It is not a deep healing retreat that, like, every day we're doing like, you know, tons of different things and focused only on your growth and healing. What I love about having a week together is that we get a pocket of growth every day. And we also get an island tour to go and see some of my favorite spots on the island. And, you know, we also do a catamaran tour and go snorkeling with the turtles and have beautiful dinner experiences and eating all together every single night and having some craft and some some activities and place for rest, space for rest, whether that's for you to go and explore something on the island that's calling your name. Some of the sisters last year went surfing, which is super fun. Uh, and whatever it is that you're feeling called to do, there's space in the schedule for you to be able to do that, which I love. But really, it's a week about finding you and allowing yourself some space for that. It could be a really relaxing week of you just hanging out in the sun. It could also be a really healing week, uh, some time for tears and connection and understanding yourself on a deeper level. There will be a huge component of human design in this week. That is something I'm massively um passionate about is helping people to understand themselves more through human design, helping people to understand other people in their lives through human design. I'm finding that really fascinating, especially since becoming a parent to look at my chart, to look at my son's chart, my partner's chart, and to just be able to see everyone in a different light and give them some grace because we're all different. Like we are all so different. And parenting styles can be so different, even in your own household. So it's been really helpful in that sense, but that'll be a big theme, also around just raising our vibrations and being able to step into this new season that's coming with a stronger mental attitude and also a physical attitude. Rest is huge for that. So this is gonna be a really, really, really beautiful week. I say really so many times because I am like countdown is on. I love and look forward to these retreats since we booked it earlier this year. So we just happen to have one spot open up. It is in a shared room, a twin bed. I will put all the details for you in the show notes, but you can also send me a DM and I'm happy to chat things out, voice things out with you, and really help you to see the different options that can help you uh come on this trip with us. I truly believe who's meant to have the spot is going to find the spot, and I cannot wait. And I really hope it's you. So, that being said, today I wanted to talk to you about the version of ourselves that the new people in our lives meet. And I was thinking about this the other day when I was playing with my son and his little play, his little play pen, uh, we have this one like that's giant, and you can get in there with him and play with his toys, and it's just so fun because he's at this age that he's playing with things on his own and he doesn't really need me. He plays independently really well. He loves to have you around, but like he it just digs out his toys in a different way than he ever did before, and he's like looking for things, and he has his favorites, and it's just so fun to interact with him in this in this place. But I was thinking about this as I was laying with him in there the other day. This little guy only knows this version of me. He will never know the prior versions of me, he will never know, you know, Jess in in college, he will never know high school Jess or little Jess. He just he's only ever gonna know this version of me. This current version of me and the version of me that evolves over the next however long we have together. And it was kind of a surprising thought to have because I feel really emotional to talk about this because uh a lot of parents almost feel like the worst version of them comes out when they become a parent. And this really isn't about like the worst version for me in particular, but it is definitely about a different version and not a version of me that I totally celebrate all the time because even physically, a lot of changes can happen, and mentally a lot of changes can happen, and I'm only just starting to feel a little more clearer in my mind, and even as I look through pictures of the last year, it's very different. Like versions of me through this year are very different, and yet that's the only version I shouldn't say the only version, but he's never gonna know prior versions of me, and prior versions of me that I put on pedestals, right? As someone who was traveling all over the world to speak at different events, and as someone who put on massive events and really just like I there's versions of me that I put on a pedestal as seasons that I am just so proud of in my life, and he's never gonna know that. And of course we can tell him stories and we can share pictures, and of course, he's not really gonna care, let's be honest. But who I am now and who I create over the next however long we have together is the version that he's gonna know. And if you're listening to this and you're not a parent, I was actually thinking of this even from friendships. I have a couple girlfriends who I've only met in the last five years, like post-pandemic versions. And I bet you're a very different version of yourself now than you were pre-pandemic self, right? And these people who I've met in 2021 or even later, friends that I've met, even post-Barbados jazz, are meeting a very different version of me than who I was before that. And what's really interesting about this is that I don't know about them, you know, with with little kids. Their kids are older, or I don't know them in relationships because they're single. And like, I don't know these people in with different roles, different jobs that they've had because I've only ever known them in the roles that they're in now and what they've evolved in the last four years. And we thought of this idea of putting up PowerPoints and explaining to each other like what we did before, like where we came from as little girls, where we were born, so that we can understand the versions of ourselves that created who we are now, who really formed this version of who we are now. And I love that idea. We're doing it in the new year. I can't wait. I'll share it with you because it's so cool. But I'm really curious on who you are today, and if you met the love of your life today, if you were to meet your new bestie, you were to meet your kid, you were to meet someone who knew nothing about a prior version of you, and they only knew you who they met today, who would they be meeting? Would you be happy about who they'd be meeting? Would you be like excited about the version of them that they get to know? Or are you partly like, ooh, they'd only know me in this, like this is not where I'd want them to meet me. We don't get to control when we meet really important and influential people in our lives. Like maybe this is the first podcast you ever listen to, and then a couple months from now we'll be besties. Like that, you never know, right? And this isn't some kind of like fear, like make you scared and want to work on personal growth all the time at all. I actually do not want that for you because that is a lot of work, and I want you to be comfortable with who you are right now, but that's what I'm talking about. Like, who are you right now? And again, if you were to meet someone tomorrow, how would you introduce yourself? What would you tell them? Are your favorite things to do? Do you have passions? Do you have hobbies? What do you do for work? Do you truly know who you are? Or are you putting a prior or a future version of yourself on the pedestal? And when I say future, I mean oftentimes we're like, well, I'll be happy when I'll apply for that job, when I will, you know, get on those dating apps, when and insert. I bet you can insert it. We've all done it, right? I'll start traveling for work again when my little guy's older, when I've lost another 10 pounds, when I can finally fit into my jeans again. Side note, I did get one more pair of pants that fit, and that is a win. I went out shopping today. I went to this really cute vintage shop. It's called Esme and Evie. I don't know if I completely announced that, said it right, but uh is in Halifax. And the woman who owns it, her name's Maddie, she was so cool and she was so helpful, and she like picked out a whole bunch of pants for me. And instead of me stressing about pieces and putting things together, she was like, try these. And I actually found a couple pairs of pants that fit and I felt good in, and it was wonderful. And yeah, a version of me, a version of me who all wore my old jeans that are upstairs right now, sitting on the shelf that I gotta message my bestie and see if she wants. The version of me who wore those pants is very different than the version of me who's trying on new jeans now, who's postpartum, who is figuring out this new body and learning myself in a new light. And again, this isn't just about becoming a parent. This can go in any scenario in your life, any season of your life. A lot of my clients who I work with are facing this in work roles or in yeah, becoming parents, or in, you know, changing relationships. Like it's a seasonal thing, and we all face it. And we actually don't know where our lows are gonna be and when our highs are gonna be. But if you're comparing yourself to a future version of you who doesn't even exist yet, who may never exist yet, is that really the energy you want to sit in? I'll go make friends when I buy that cool outfit or when I'm fit into my jeans, whatever it is for you. It's really difficult to be there. And there's a couple things that you can do that can help in these seasons when you are just like trying to figure out who you are and also accepting who you are. I can be a really hard one. I can't even imagine if for the rest of my son's life he only knows me as a person who's aspiring to be a different person. I want him to know the confident, full of love and full of life version of me that I once was and also am becoming again every single day. We're making choices to be there. So a couple things that I have been doing through this process, especially once realizing he's only gonna know this version of me. How can I become the best version of myself uh that ever was, right? And we can only evolve from there. I have been working on just moving my body in small, small, small little things. I know. As soon as I say it, you're just like, Jess, I don't have time. I get it. But I have been doing it in like he's in his playpen and I can go in the foam roller for a few minutes. We're not talking putting our running sneakers on and running a half marathon, we're talking very simple movement. Maybe it's calf phrases when you're cutting your brussel sprouts. That's what I was doing with dinner tonight. Maybe it's you know going for a nice walk around the block with your family or even with your pup. These little moments can add up. Showing your body some simple signs of love, like movement, is really helpful. I do think that we often get trapped in the sitting world. Oh man, my couch is so comfortable. And as soon as you sit in it, you are never gonna want to get up again. Okay. It you're gonna be covered in catfur when you do it too, but it is just like so comfortable. You don't want to get up. So I've been trying to do all of the things that I want to do before I even sit down because I know I've not I'm not getting up until the baby starts crying and I gotta go. And so these small things, like little pockets when you're folding the laundry, squatting down, whatever you need to do, really, really help to shift the energy. It's not about physical appearance, it's not about changing how you look. It's actually about shifting that energy in your body. Your energy can shift by you just doing simple movements here and there, even as simple as shaking your hands. Sometimes I'm walking down the street like a crazy person, like shaking my hands out because that is how you can move some energy in your body. Doing a little bit of cat-cow and getting your spine, like feeling getting the energy out, it's very simple. Yawning actually also shifts your energy around, okay? So if you've been yawning a lot lately, it might also be your body releasing energy. And so these small movements can help you to feel more comfortable in who you are because we're releasing some of the energy that's been stuck in our body for way too long, way too long. Um, sometimes, too, when you're doing yoga and doing some like hip sequences, you start to feel emotional. That's like the energy that's been stuck in your hips for a really long time. It's releasing into the world. So I've been finding that really helpful. Just small, simple stretches, even when I'm playing with the baby or just walking the dog, whatever works, it makes a big difference. The next thing I do to help to elevate this version of me and this current situation is also to know and understand who I am right now. Every time we go through a big life event, we are ever changing. And I find we often do this with New Year's or we do it around our birthdays, that we kind of just spend that time, not necessarily getting to know ourselves more, but almost setting like a list, like 26 things I want to do in my 26th year of life. And I we put this extra pressure on this age, we put this extra pressure on like what we need to do, but what I think you need to do more of, and I don't like telling people what to do, okay? So take this with a grain of salt if you don't want to be told what to do right now. But it's really about asking yourself these simple questions, and I've talked about it on here so many times because it really is as simple as that. What's my favorite food? If it was my birthday, how would I want to celebrate? This question changes every single year, right? Because what you want today could be like Indian food and go karts, okay? And then next year, maybe you're in a totally different season and you're just like, I just want to cook a nice roast beef dinner at home and Sit on the couch and watch some TV. Like we can be in totally different scenarios day to day. It's about following those sequences in our heart and what's our body telling us on a daily basis and listening to that. Um, that's again why I love human design so much because it helps you to understand some of those cues that you do have. For me, it's splenic, it's a little voice in my head, it says it once and then it goes away. But for some people, it's that yes and no in your body, or it's your emotions telling you things. Knowing those things about yourself are gonna help you to ask some of these questions and help you to get to know this version of you right now, the version of you that your child's getting to know, the version of you that your new besties are getting to know. If you don't even know yourself, how are we supposed to confidently introduce ourselves to new people? How are we supposed to confidently be the version of ourselves that is going to attract the right people in our lives? If you are sitting with the same circle of five people you've known since high school, no shame. I love that for you. If they are helping you to elevate to the best version of you, if they're like bringing you down, those are not the people you want to be spending the most time with. We need to be finding some new friends that are helping to bring that vibration up. But we got to put the effort in too. So ask yourself really simple questions. Who am I? What do I like to do? You know, if I had a magic wand and I had a yes day, an adult yes day, wouldn't that be the best? If I had a yes day for myself, what would I want to be saying yes to? What would I be asking other people to bring? Like really leaning into that because I think there's something really special about knowing ourselves on this deep level, the same way we are putting the effort in knowing our new bestie, in knowing our kids, in knowing our partners. We put so much time into that. Why not put that back into ourselves? And if you're like, I don't have the time for that, Jess, yeah, you're gonna need to snag that spot in Barbados and you're gonna need to come with us because that was that's what this whole week is about. Really getting to know yourself on a deeper level. And also, if you're interested, dabble in human design, send me a message. I'm happy to look into your chart and help you with it because there are things in your chart that are gonna help you with this too. You need to put the effort in. It's not as simple as putting in your birth time and be like, oh great, now I know myself, move on. We can use that as a tool, and also put in that energy of just hanging out with yourself, getting to know yourself, playing your playing, I want to say playing with yourself. Playing with yourself, okay? There's something about it. But between movement and getting to know yourself, these two really simple things I know, you will see a drastic change. The energy is going to shift, it is going to be so different. But the number one question I have here is again, if you were to meet a new person tomorrow, or if someone in your life only knew this version of you, would you be proud of it? Would you be excited to share this version of you? And if the answer is no, we need to make some changes. If the answer is yes, I love that. I am so excited for you. Like that is the best news ever. But if there's any twinge on it being like, you know what, there are some things I'd like to change, and not from a critical standpoint, not from like a like I hate myself because of this, this, and this. Don't be too critical on yourself. We're talking about the version of you, who you are right now, what you'd want to change, not because of what society thinks you should be, but because of who you'd want to become. Okay, like I look at my vision board, it sits in front of me every time I do these recordings, the things on that list, some of the things that I've achieved, and some of the things I have not. And when you look at your vision boards from earlier this year, the things that you have not achieved, is it something you'd still want to? Is it a version of you that's still available? Or are there some things on that vision board that maybe we need to be saying goodbye to? Again, being a nine-year, being the year of the snake, we're shedding some things. Maybe some of those things aren't aligned anymore. And we don't need to be striving for it. Shed those things, release what needs to be released, and focus on what's still there. Nourish what's still there. Give yourself the love and the light that's still there. And stop being so hard on yourself, sis. Oh my goodness, stop being so hard on yourself. Even as I was sitting in that playpen with my son and thinking about, like, oh, this is this is only this is the version he's gonna know. He's not gonna know a girl who climbed mountains and zip lined in the Caribbean and lived in Barbados. Like, he's not gonna know that version of me. He's gonna know just the mom. But life doesn't end here. Life doesn't end as we become a certain age and you know, we meet these people and like they're only gonna know this version of me. No, that is that means you're not living. It is time to shift that energy to become the version of you that you're proud of again, the come the version of you that you're just like so excited to share with the world. It takes a little bit of effort, takes a little bit extra love. And I'm right there with you. That's my focus. A big focus going into this year is just really leaning into this new me. Oh, I know. New year, new me. No, not even that. It's just an evolved version of me that needs some love, needs some care, and needs some attention. And maybe yours does too. Send me a message if that's you and you're like, okay, me too. I would love to chat with you because it takes a it takes a village. Really, it does, because we put ourselves in the back burner so much, and not now. No, this is the time for us to step forward and to do more for ourselves, for the love of ourselves. So I hope you're having a wonderful week and you're stepping into your power because man, you're powerful. And I think that's the coolest thing to see. So I love you so much, and I'll talk to you soon. What's up, sis? I am so glad we can hang out today. If you love this episode, send it to a friend or share it on your social media and tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me sprinkle some confidence in the world. And don't forget, you are magic. Let's show the world you're shine.

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Jess Clerke

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