21. Perfectionism Is a Trauma Response Not Your Personality: Why “Doing More” Feels Safer Than Rest

Perfectionism isn’t a personality trait.
 It’s not discipline.
 And it’s definitely not “just wanting to be better.”

It’s your nervous system hijacking your brain and convincing you that if you stop optimizing, fixing, tracking, or doing more… something bad will happen.

In this episode, we’re unpacking why perfectionism shows up so loudly in health and healing journeys: why rest feels unsafe, why “doing enough” never lands, and why you feel like you should always be taking action to earn your progress.

We’ll talk about:

• How perfectionism is rooted in survival, not motivation
• Why your body interprets slowing down as danger
• The subtle ways hustle disguises itself as “self-care”
• And what actually creates sustainable healing instead of burnout cycles

If you’ve ever felt like you’re failing your body unless you’re doing everything perfectly, this episode is for you.

✨ Capacity isn’t about pushing harder. It’s about feeling safe enough to receive.

If this episode hits, you’re going to love Capacity Magic: a gentle, nervous-system-led reset to help you stop forcing, stop spiraling, and start building health from a place of safety and enoughness.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP FOR FREE

Work With Me:
https://mailchi.mp/chloepufftraining/offers

Connect with me on social media:

Instagram: @chloepufftraining & @riseradiopod

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Welcome to Rise Radio, where we blend strength training, semantics, and soul to help you become your most resilient, integrated, strong, and empowered self. I'm your host, Chloe Puff, here to guide you through powerful conversations on identity, energy, fitness, and habits that fuel your rise to becoming strong as fuck in every aspect of your life. Let's rise. If you were on a mission to unlearn perfectionism and you grew up as the firstborn child in your family, you were on the honor roll, you got great grades, everybody praised you for how hard you worked, you just kind of put your head down, you didn't really have any other choice, and now as an adult, you are a probably high-functioning, neurodivergent person who is constantly getting praised for how how do you how do you hold it all together? And deep inside, you're just like, I am working my butt off, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to slow down and I cannot. Then this is for you. This used to be me, where I felt like I was so stressed and working my butt off and trying so hard to figure out how I was supposed to reach my goals when I was already doing the fucking most. And I always felt like something was missing, which is crazy because I was a high-performing athlete and I was like eating like a fucking rabbit, and I just felt like I was doing so much and getting absolutely nowhere. So if that resonates with you, you're just like working so hard on taking care of your body and supporting your nutrition and like really trying to do whatever it is that you can in order to feel well and you feel like you're spinning your wheels, then let's have a little chat, okay? Now I'm gonna preface this by saying what I'm about to say is something that I wish somebody would have told me all those years ago when I was being praised for how well I could, you know, just keep going when deep down I felt like I was just gonna crash out and completely burn out. And spoiler alert, I did. So I want to share this with you, even though it might feel a little bit stingy, it might feel like a slap in the face, but this is something that was so eye-opening once I realized it for myself that I have to share this with you. Okay. When you are someone who is trying to unlearn perfectionism and people pleasing, and you are working to find that balance, you're wanting to slow down, but you're just like, I literally have no choice. I'm gonna tell you right now that you're not missing anything. You are the last person that needs more discipline or to lock in harder or to do more. What's happening now actually is that your nervous system is so addicted to the chase, the grind, the push, because that is what got you your love, your safety, your worthiness, being seen, being like secure. And whether you learned that from a coach or a parent or you know, from friends, it was always that your accomplishments were what got you praise or what kept you from harm. And now that shows up in your adult nervous system, probably also pairs really well with like high-functioning ADHD. If you have a late onset diagnosis, that's really common as well. But your nervous system is literally so addicted to the productivity itself, because that is what has kept you safe, that your brain doesn't, your brain's not designed to help you thrive, it's to help you survive. So, in order to help you keep surviving at the pace that you're going, foot on the gas, your brain is saying, Hey, we gotta keep going, even though I know that you want to find balance and you want to slow down and you wanna be able to do things differently. I'm not gonna let you because that means I'm not safe anymore. Because your past experiences have taught you that when you keep grinding, you keep earning that safety, that love, that shelter, whatever it is. Okay. And so this becomes a really big problem when you're an adult and you're like, you know, wanting to unsubscribe from like this go hard or go home mindset, and you don't want to be pushing yourself so hard all the time. You actually want to find rest. And when you do find rest, you don't want to feel guilty about it. You don't want to feel ashamed for resting. You want to feel like you can actually close your eyes and your brain will stop spinning for a minute. If your brain will not shut off, again, that is your nervous system addicted to that momentum. And it's not your fault. And the good news is this is actually something that can be unlearned. This can be rewired. This isn't like your personality, it's become your personality because you've had to live it for so long, and that's why you've always thought you're a type A person, but maybe you're not a type A person. Maybe your nervous system feels like it's type A because it is hyper-vigilant, because that is how it is learned to survive. I used to consider myself a very type A person. In fact, people told me that all the time. I was super high strung, very, very anxious. I could not slow down for the life of me. And that ended up turning into a lot of chronic issues. I'm not gonna unpack all of that right now in this particular moment, but I realized eventually, it took me way too long to realize this, again, because your nervous system's job is to help you survive, not thrive. And so it's not gonna show you these little holes in the plot. Okay. But once I realized I was actually addicted to the grind because that's what kept me like out of harm's way, it made it really, I'm not gonna say easy. It became, it became an opportunity for me to actually learn how to heal through that. And it's a big process because when you've literally operated that your whole life, operated that way your whole life, it becomes a challenge to teach your brain how to start running different programming. Okay. So if you're like sitting at the cusp of the new year and you were like, oh my gosh, I wish I could just like, you know, I just really need to like lock in and like I want to reach these goals. I need to be more disciplined. If I only do this, I'm just missing. I'm telling you right now, you are not missing shit. The real thing that needs to happen here is to not be overloading your poor nervous system with more to-do when you are trying to unlearn perfectionism and trying to find balance. What we actually need to do is come back to the nervous system and learn how to expand our capacity so that. And when I say this, I don't want you to feel like this is adding to your to-do list. In fact, this is the art of unlearning. This is the art of undoing. Now, I'm not saying you have to tap out of your life and you know, pump the brakes because what that's gonna do also when you try and force balance, what that is going to do is have the same effect, okay? Whenever we try and force ourselves into doing more when you're already dysregulated, it is going to, it is going to get to that point where you self-sabotage or get derailed for one reason or another, because again, your brain is seeking the safety and familiarity of the pace that you've been going. And on the flip side, if you just try and slam the brakes and be like, I'm just gonna slow down, I'm gonna go from high-intensity training seven days a week to like, I'm gonna do daily yoga, and I'm not gonna do, you know, I'm gonna only go on walks, and you're just like really trying to whip in the opposite direction, it's going to have the same effect. You're going to start feeling really itchy and uncomfortable, like in your brain. Your brain is gonna find that stillness, that slowness, that balance very uncomfortable. But I'm gonna tell you right now, again, more things that I've learned in my process of being a recovering perfectionist and high achiever to still being someone who very much values reaching my goals but has way more balance, is able to rest without guilt, feels safe in receiving support and receiving rest, that this requires actually a lot of pendulation. You're going to kind of swing between those extremes until your nervous system can find that middle. And sometimes that that takes time, but it takes a lot less time and hurts a lot less when you're doing it with support. And this is exactly why I've created Capacity Magic for the person who is really done with doing things the way that they've been doing before. Recovering perfectionists who are trying to unlearn this so that you can feel way more kind to yourself, so that the way that you show up for yourself is more from a place of alignment versus like forcing or fixing or like this invisible finish line of like I'll feel happy when, or I'll feel better when, or I can finally rest when. Like, this is not a sleep when you're dead situation, okay? This is really like giving yourself permission to actually enjoy life at a pace that feels good. There is no race. So I'm gonna go coach mode for a second here. One question that you can ask yourself, then I really encourage you as you are, you know, do your thing, write your goals, get your new planner. I'm not saying stop. As you're doing that, as you're writing down these goals, if you're as you're thinking about the things that you want to accomplish this year, ask yourself why. Like, why do I wanna why do I want to run that 5k? Is it something that I really want to do? Like, why do I want to do that? And then keep asking yourself why, why, why, why, why deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. Okay? I think unpacking the why sometimes can really help us understand the wound that we're trying to heal. Or at least make feel better, to pacify, I should say. Once we realize that, and I'm not saying this, I'm not I'm not saying that this is everybody, okay? I'm not saying that you are doing this. I'm saying that this is what I have learned. I used to set goals that like I was totally capable of achieving, but I didn't actually want those things. I thought that I wanted those things because I thought that those things would give me a sense of relief. Accomplishing those things would allow me to take the breath, that exhale, finally. And when I really realized that I was doing, I was performing my health, I was performing my fitness as a way to quiet the noise that was the pain of my dysregulated nervous system chasing perfectionism because really I just wanted love and safety without having to earn it. That really shifted how I showed up. It really shifted how I showed up. And it gave me permission to stop setting goals that I didn't deep down want to achieve. And it's funny because I think on the surface it can feel like these are things that we actually want. But this is why I'm encouraging you to go deeper. Go deeper. Keep asking yourself why? Why do I want to reach that goal? Okay, why? Oh, okay, then why? Okay, then why? Until you get to the root. And that'll really put into perspective like, why, like, why am I even doing this? And this is coming up as well. I just want to give you the permission, if you can't give it to yourself just yet, that there is no reason why you need to learn how to be more disciplined. There is no reason why you need to learn to be more compliant or more disciplined. Because again, why? Why do you want to push yourself? Now, if there are certain things, like I said, I am so big on setting goals that feel important to me and powerful to me and actually like working hard to achieve them because I I enjoy that part of life. It is beautiful that we get free will to be able to set goals to like be able to do cool shit with our bodies or to be able to challenge ourselves, to be able to like just get more juice out of life. But again, are you are you doing it because that would make your life feel more fulfilling, or are you doing it because it is actually deep down filling a hole because of what your nervous system has learned because it helps to fill the hole of love or safety or worthiness or value or you know, witnessing. And ultimately it comes back to one of those things. So I really encourage you to look at that with a magnifying glass before you set any big goals this year. Actually look at why you want to be doing them at the very, very deepest level. Now, in Capacity Magic, like I mentioned, the whole purpose of Capacity Magic, this is a free two-week experience. We start on January 3rd, because from the 3rd to the 17th is literally the first two weeks of the year when everybody is motivated, and by the 17th is official quitting day, where statistically over 80% of people just dump their resolutions because they go hard or go home. And instead of focusing on like how to start the year strong, like a habit challenge where we're gonna do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, X, Y, and Z, you gotta execute this like a 75 hard. We're not doing that shit. We're doing the opposite. We're taking those two weeks to actually evaluate what it is we want out of life, what it is we want with our goals, to be able to actually simplify and create more space in our life so that one, the way that we show up intentionally in the gym, for example, like we can actually heal the part of us that says we're not doing enough while doing exactly enough. Because spoiler alert, more is not more, more is not better. Working harder doesn't like morally make you a more valuable person. And that's really hard to unlearn when your nervous system believes that. So, on a physical level, in order to expand your physical capacity, what we're focused on in capacity magic is three times a week strength training for roughly 45 minutes, and there's a bunch of ways to modify this, and I teach you exactly this, my strong method, to help you adjust for when your capacity is low, for when you don't have the spoons to do like a full-blown session because you're just burnt out, you're exhausted. But how do I still commit to myself? I teach you exactly how to do that in capacity magic from a physical standpoint so that you're able to grow strength and build a body that does the cool shit that you want to do that can accomplish those goals this year without being in pain, without pushing yourself over the edge, but finding that sweet spot of where you can build strengths to where you're actually feeling and seeing results and differences and changes without pain, without pushing yourself, without burning out, and then having to take months off because you just it was too much. Okay. Second, we are supporting ourselves from a mind level, a nervous system level by working directly with the nervous system using tools like cranial nerve drills and somatics to help just get your brain out of this dysregulated state, this chronic activation state, and to teach you some of the skills to help you hold the difficult emotions without it consuming you, without you becoming stress, without you becoming anxiety, without that running the show. And on a deeper level, we're healing from a soul level. So we're doing two live body alchemy sessions, with it, which is really just a combination of some like mobility flow with some somatics and also some energy healing. Um, and in that, the idea in these body alchemy sessions is to essentially release the stored stress and emotions and traumas and stories that are creating that dysregulation on a mind level and nervous system level, which is then showing up in the body. So we're healing three layers deep in this experience because perfectionism can really show up in the body as just constant tension, jaw clenching, shoulders raised, you're always achy, you're like unable to do anything but like chase the burn and calories burned, and you never feel like you're doing enough no matter how hard you work. It shows up as pelvic floor tension, and which is a number of issues bladder leaks, pain, incontinence, all this stuff. It's I want to help you heal three layers deep. Because, like I said, this is exactly the shit that I wish somebody would have told me when I was in the middle of this chaos and unlearning perfectionism and you know, just unsubscribing from the grind, trying to find some balance in my life, trying to find space for me in my life. And so that is exactly why I am also hosting this experience entirely free. That's it. There's no catch. I just love you and want to see you thrive. I want to see you rise because we all deserve to be able to have space in our lives for ourselves. And that is impossible when your perfectionism is running the show and telling you that you can't slow down. And every time that you do rest, it doesn't feel restful because your brain just feels like it's fucking itchy and you want to jump out of your skin. This is where we uh melt that away. This is where we unlearn that. This is where we create that safety, where we start to create that balance so that wherever you go, that you're able to set goals that actually feel genuine to you and not at the mercy of your nervous system from being in years of dysregulation and chase and perfection. So that you can actually feel like maybe for the first time, you're able to show up for yourself and your body in a way that feels really empowering and feels really like I want to say the word sweet, like this lovely balance of being able to like kick some fucking ass in the gym because you have the energy for it, because shit. You're learning how to balance your capacity, you're learning how to create space, you're learning how to progressively overload and be intentional with your training instead of just like go hard, go home, sweat more, more, more, more, more, burn calories, check it off the Apple Watch. Like we're not doing that anymore. This is capacity magic is where you unlearn all of that and finally learn how to simplify. This is not a New Year's challenge. This is like an anti-challenge. The biggest challenge here will be: can you do this in a way that actually feels like an exhale? Can you learn how to exhale? Or are you gonna continue to hold on to that and go, no, mm-mm. Because it's gonna feel uncomfortable. I'm I'm not gonna lie to you. This is not a comfortable experience. What would be comfortable is for you to continue at the pace that you're going because that's what your nervous system sees as safe. So bust out your planner, write your, you know, 10 big goals, and they're all gymondous, even though like you're biting off way more that you can than you can chew, and you're already at your wit's end, you're burning the candle at both ends, and you're still somehow expecting yourself to finish all of these things, and then you're gonna inevitably feel like shit when you don't do those things, and you go back into this like hamster wheel of I'm I'm on and then I'm off, and then I'm on and then I'm off, and I'm on and I'm off. No more burnout. So it's going to feel uncomfortable because it's gonna be different than what you've done before. But I am here to tell you from a very simple standpoint, it is totally possible and proven that doing less really intentionally when it comes to your fitness and your strength goals is the sweet spot for progress. But on a deeper level, I'm telling you that in order to actually be able to do that, in order to feel good about how you're showing up without sending your brain into a spiral of like, oh, I'm not doing enough, we also have to work with the nervous system. We also have to work, it's this isn't this is like mindset work, just like on level 10, because we're not we're not fixing our mindset, we're actually reprogramming our brain. To embody new beliefs. And that is what Capacity Magic is all about. Absolutely free. If you want to join Capacity Magic, you can just comment on this live the word capacity. Or if you're listening to this on the podcast on Rise Radio, you can just click the link in the show notes to learn more and sign up. We start on the third. I will see you inside. I love you. I see you. Let's rise. Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode of Rise Radio. Join the Rise Radio movement. If today's episode resonated with you, don't forget to hit subscribe for fresh episodes, leave an honest review, and share the love with the powerful women in your life. Let's rise. The information shared on Rise Radio is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult with your healthcare provider before making any changes to your fitness, nutrition, or wellness routines. The views expressed are those of the hosts and guests and do not replace the guidance of a qualified medical professional.