EPISODE 43: 21+ QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP | PASSING THOUGHTS PODCAST | rbccmnq

Your own answer to Number 5 might surprise you. 

About host

Hi, I’m Rebecca-Monique: an ICF accredited (PCC) grief and trauma coach, and coach supervisor. My work is centred around supporting individuals through their healing and growth. 

My specialist areas are grief, trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, sense of Self (identity), boundaries and confidence. My modes of coaching are somatic (i.e. embodied awareness) and transformational (i.e. a focus on attitudes, values, beliefs, behaviours, etc.).

I have particular interests in social sciences and human-centred disciplines, including psychology, psycholinguistics, sociology, spirituality and philosophy. 

I live in London, UK with my son (who is also blessed with the awesomeness that is hyphenated first names!).

You can find out more about my personal journey and what led me to becoming a coach here, and here.

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Transcript

Hi, I’m Rebecca-Monique – an ICF accredited coach and coach supervisor – and these are my passing thoughts. 

Relationships take work. It’s the union of two unique individuals with their own set of needs and filters on the world and life. 

Being clear about what you both want is critical to ensure relational compatibility. It’s important to know what your deal breakers are, and what you’re willing to compromise on.  Such simple yet crucial considerations can spare tremendous heartbreak and prevent you from getting embroiled in situationships and entanglements. 

Many of these questions are appropriate to ask when you begin dating, and others as your relationship progresses into something more serious and long-term.  

You and your partner might not have all the answers. That’s fine. 

Relationships aren’t static. They evolve. So your answers one year might be different the next. 

This isn’t a definitive list of questions, neither are they in any particular order. 

It’s best to approach this exercise as an open and honest discussion, not an interrogation. These questions are reciprocal – they apply to both parties. 

There are many further sub-questions that could be enquired. This list is intended to be a springboard, so be sure to add your own questions and tweak the wording to be more palatable and authentic to you.

1 Are you certain you’re ready and willing to be in a relationship? What concerns/ doubts/ fears do you need to address around commitment? What green, orange and red flags have you identified about being with me? Let’s discuss. 

2 Are you seeking a monogamous, consensually non-monogamous or polygamous  relationship? What happens if this changes? 

3 What is your attachment style? 

4 What is your love language?

5 According to the OCEAN or HEXACO models, what’s your personality type? 

6 What are your religious, spiritual, and political beliefs?

7 What are your core values? 

8 What are your aspirations, passions, and priorities? Where does our relationship fit into your life? 

9 What are your expectations around our physical intimacy? 

10 How much alone time do you need? What activities would you like to do together, on your own, with your friends or family?

11 What therapeutic work have you done or are you doing around healing your emotional and psychological wounds and traumas? What are you working on and towards? What about your past do you feel safe enough to tell me about at this point?  What will you share with me in due course? What are your thoughts on couples therapy? 

12 What do you consider cheating? Flirting, kissing, an emotional relationship with someone you are attracted to?

13 Do you want to live together at some point or practice the Living Apart Together (LAT) model? If the former, when, and where will we live? How will we divide labour? Will we be combining finances or keep this separate? What will we do if we make a big purchase? How will we split the cost of shared expenses so that it’s equitable? Do you have any debt?  

If our living arrangement is the LAT Model, how often will we see each other and how will we spend time together? 

14 Do you want to be a parent/ or do you want more children? How many? What will we do if we struggle to conceive? Are IVF, fostering or adoption options that  you’re open to? How would you describe your parenting style? 

If your partner already has children, what are your current childcare arrangements and how might this change? What role do you see me playing in your child’s life? Describe your relationship with your child’s other parent. 

What are your thoughts on us having fur babies i.e. cats and dogs?

15 How can we improve our communication? How do you like to receive feedback? How will we address challenging topics and conflict?

16 Do you enjoy traveling? What are your restrictions? What kind of holidays or trips do you like? Do you prefer going abroad or staycations? How often will we go on holiday? Will we be going on holiday with family and friends? 

17 How would you describe your relationship with your parents? How often will we visit each other’s family? Do you want your parents to move in with us if they eventually need more care?

18 What information do you consider acceptable to keep private? What omitted or shared information would feel like deceit or a betrayal of trust?

19 How would you know you’ve started falling out of love and what would you do? Who would you seek counsel from: a therapist, friends, family, religious leader? 

20 Under what circumstances would you start considering a breakup, separation or divorce?

21 How often will we check the health of our relationship and ensure we’re still aligned and attuned to each other’s wants and needs? 

My question for you this week is:

Thinking about a past relationship, what’s something you wish you’d asked or known upfront that you found out much later than ideal? 

Speak to you next week. Until then, be well.