The unCommon Exposè

Bipolar & Suicide

• Shea • Season 1 • Episode 29

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Trigger warning: suicide, postpartum depression, mental illness & bipolar.

Join my guest Tamika as she gives such depth explaining her journey through misdiagnosis of mental health, suicide & bipolar.

You will see Tamika's experience with such insight but also the balance she now gets to live with from a confirmed diagnosis and medications.

You will love this journey and feel inspired by this woman's incredible life. 

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Don't forget to follow us on Instagram @uncommonex!

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to the Uncommon Exposé, where it's my mission to connect, empower and embolden all women through lived experience to erase shame, disconnect and judgment. If you have an open mind, then I'd love for you to join me as I share these women's stories. Let's do this. All right, welcome. Welcome back. I'm going to say welcome back. We haven't released your other episode yet, just because I am waiting on just some guidance. I don't want to say too much now because I don't know if I'm going to release that first or this first, but there is another episode coming with you. So I'm very grateful. It was obviously not a bad experience.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I guess just technicality

SPEAKER_01:

side of things, a little nitty gritty. For you to want to come back as well. Yeah, definitely. Cool. All right. So let's just crack on. your name and your

SPEAKER_00:

story okay well my name's Tamika um and my story I guess like mental health is probably a big part of my story and who I am today growing up I think both parents in somewhat had mental health um my mum had it a little bit more um and then my dad just had that sort of seasonal depression so to speak like when your marriage breaks up breaks up or um you lose your job you know like it's normal to yeah to do that.

SPEAKER_01:

I

SPEAKER_00:

guess my mental health journey didn't really start until I was about 19 after I had my first child and I remember she was cluster feeding and I was on the couch with her and she was about three months old and she just came crying and crying and i kept looking around the house thinking i like to feel in control so my house being clean is how i feel in control

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

um and they say healthy health um clean is a clean mind yeah

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

and i remember for months i'd look around the house was just not filthy but there was dishes and there were clothes and you know in that newborn bubble that's what happens and it's

SPEAKER_01:

hard to release that though i struggled as well yeah and all the in all all the things and all the

SPEAKER_00:

toys and

SPEAKER_01:

there was just stuff everywhere.

SPEAKER_00:

And then breastfeeding, you feel so trapped. Like you always got this parasite attached to you. And then yet again, being your first time mom, you didn't, I also didn't have my mom. I don't talk to my mom. We don't have a good relationship. So I didn't have that sort of mother figure there. Anyway, so yeah, she was just on my boob all day and she just was crying. And I just said, will you shut up?

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

at that moment right then it had like that very once i raised my voice and let those big emotions out i put her in a swing clipped her up

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

and i went behind the couch and called my called her dad i remember before i had her my auntie said to me if you ever get like if it's ever getting too much yeah put them in a safe spot and just leave yeah they're going to be there still as long as they're safe yeah um yeah and i just said to him i need to a doctor like something's not right so that was what 2016 I went and saw a doctor that afternoon I then went and saw a Is it psychiatrist that doesn't prescribe you medication? Psychologist. Psychologist. I should know that because I've seen psychologists. Okay. So then my GP put me on antidepressants and said, you know, you've just got postnatal depression. I then went and saw a psychologist. She was actually just a counsellor for maybe a couple of months. I guess I sort of felt somewhat normal. My... My baby's dad and I then brought a house and we got married. We had another child. So that's, you know, fast forward three, four years now. Four years, we then separated

SPEAKER_01:

and

SPEAKER_00:

I just plummeted. I sort of got a little bit of postnatal. I'm going to use that loosely because at the end of this, it's going to make sense. But I sort of got a little bit of postnatal again with my second daughter, but it appeared different. It so with my first it was sort of I'm going to say thoughts of harming her, but it wasn't like I wanted to kill her or drop her. It was more so that burst of anger yelling. We would be in the car and she'd be crying. I'm like, just shut up. Like, just stop. I was so frustrated and just didn't.

SPEAKER_01:

Motherhood rage, I feel, is something that's just not really, I don't know, disgust. But for me, that's been the hardest thing. Just that anger, like, pulsing through my veins at normal things that you just, it's uncontrollable.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, well. i guess too like these little people that we're raising when they have tantrums and i guess these outbursts typically it's they're tired

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

they can't communicate what they're trying to say we like we're not understanding

SPEAKER_01:

hungry

SPEAKER_00:

they're hungry we're also feeling those things

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

but we're just we're not checking in with ourselves

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

you know like yeah have we are we have we slept yeah when was the last time we ate yeah and not just just the crust of our child's you know like a half nugget yeah yep yep yeah whenever we actually eaten and fueled our body when have we done something for ourself

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

have we gotten outside and exercised today or just like seeing the sun things like that um and so then with my second daughter the postnatal was harming myself the suicidal thoughts sort of started to to come and i remember i would i would just go into the bedroom and like sleep slap myself like really hard that that feeling of being the one to control my pain, I guess sort of felt somewhat good. I never self-harmed as in cutting. I can sort of sympathize with people that do that because yet again, it's you're causing that pain on yourself. You're in control of that pain. That slapping didn't last very long. And then when my youngest was, she was about 10 months old. my then husband my children's father and I we separated and we separated purely because of my mental health we were young like we were 16 when we got together I've been trying to go through these waves of things still not actually I did not have the correct diagnosis and it just it just got too it just got too much and really put a strain on our marriage in between my first and second child i'd stopped seeing the counselor as well i just found we didn't fit she kept sort of putting things shining light on my my marriage where i wanted to go down the path of healing from my childhood um and so yeah we we separated in 2020 i then went and saw a psychologist and yeah started seeing I started seeing her in August of 2019 actually just before we separated and I still see her to this day started seeing her and then I also went and got my first appointment with a psychiatrist in 2020 after we'd separated I was then diagnosed with BPD so that is borderline personality disorder that is a hormone yeah hormone chemical imbalance and it's it's No, it's not hormones, sorry. It's the waves in your brain. So you typically get BPD from something traumatic happening in your childhood, i.e. your parents separating or a death. That's a big one. You feel this abandonment, like everyone's going to abandon you, and you feel emotions tenfold. So if you're happy... You feel it like you've just won the lottery. You're sad. You feel it like a death has just happened. And it's just those big emotions. You don't feel, I guess, what other people sort of feel. So I went on a stronger antidepressant for that. I was still seeing my psych. And I was diagnosed with BPD for a good two years. I'd started working in 2021. And I just thought, something still isn't right. I would have these highs, and I could track it like a period. It doesn't go in sync with your period, but I could... Just like

SPEAKER_01:

cycling.

SPEAKER_00:

I could, yeah. So I would have these highs where I would have these really awesome ideas and have heaps of energy. I would clean my house. I could not sleep. I just would not be tired. I wouldn't get hungry. What I imagine you would feel like on speed is how i felt i've never done speed but that's what i would imagine like you

SPEAKER_01:

while you you felt that way while you're on the antidepressants

SPEAKER_00:

no no while i was on on a high so to speak so i'm still taking antidepressants yeah we're talking about two years after i've been on these antidepressants a higher dose than what i was on

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

previously when i had postnatal depression yeah

SPEAKER_01:

and you're still getting the highs and lows

SPEAKER_00:

i'm still getting these heart yeah okay yeah and the lows i I would be stuck in bed for, honestly, a week to the point where it was like someone had just died. I could not get out of bed. I didn't want to shower. I wouldn't brush my teeth. I was single with two children and I could still keep the house somewhat tidy. I would still cook them meals. A lot of the time it would be quick and easy. We'll just go grab Maccas because I just didn't have the motivation. They always still went to school. talking about my mum suffering with mental health. Growing up, we missed a lot of school because of her mental health. And school holidays. And so I always made sure that my kids, at the bare minimum, would go to school. So I would just...

SPEAKER_01:

I can't speak for you, but it's easier when it's for someone else, when it's for your children. There's something in your brain that drives. And I can't for everyone. Is that what you felt? It's for them, it's for your children. That's not about you.

SPEAKER_00:

There's other things

SPEAKER_01:

going on.

SPEAKER_00:

It was also easier than being at school because they were at school for six hours. I didn't have to

SPEAKER_01:

parent.

SPEAKER_00:

I was going to say worry about them but I don't know if that's the right word. I didn't have to parent. I would get dressed sometimes as if I was going to work because I didn't want them to know I wasn't and And then I'd drop them off, come home and literally just get back in my pyjamas and bed rot.

SPEAKER_01:

Were you sad? Yeah. Or like crying? Not so much crying. Can you explain the emotions that you kind of felt? Yeah. Like you said no motivation or...

SPEAKER_00:

Yep. I was sad. Like that depression sort of feeling you get. Yeah. I had a lot of suicidal tendencies in a few attempts. Mm-hmm. Early in 2021, might have been at the end of 2020, my girl's dad would sometimes come into the house. I lived in a little apartment. He would sort of like break in through the shed door and come up because he knew that I was suicidal and knew my sort of struggles. He wanted to make sure that I hadn't done anything and tell the girls, oh, just wait here. When I come back, then you can come up. Thinking about it now, I'm like, oh my God. But yeah, when I was in that apartment and I was in that apartment, I was in that apartment end of 2020 to about the end of 2021. And I, that was probably my darkest. So I've only been diagnosed with BPD still. Just an antidepressants. I-

SPEAKER_01:

through COVID

SPEAKER_00:

it was yeah COVID didn't really affect me too much because I wasn't I hadn't started working in through COVID I started 2021

SPEAKER_01:

okay

SPEAKER_00:

um and like my my children were still able to go to school my eldest was in prep and there was a couple of weeks that we'd done school at home but like it wasn't too bad um and i when they were at their dads i would my way to go was overdosing and because i'd had i have complex ptsd i had a lot of sedative medications um i popped the first time it was about 40 60 tablets and just handfuls i was just doing handfuls with the

SPEAKER_01:

intent oh yeah oh

SPEAKER_00:

yeah oh yeah or to just no no i wanted it i wanted to die yeah my i knew i knew my children were going to be looked after as well and when you get into that sort of slump i don't know if i can talk for everyone but definitely for myself i've attempted I'm going to say almost four times, five times.

SPEAKER_01:

In that one year?

SPEAKER_00:

Mainly, yep. It's between that 2020 to end of 2021. Yeah. my brain would convince me the children are better off without you

SPEAKER_01:

they

SPEAKER_00:

have a really good support network finances are great with their dad they have a great family his sister and I parented at the time very similar morals with parenting was the way that we were raising our children were very similar so I knew that they're going to be fine without me I'm very spiritual so I also would convince myself i'm more help to them on the other side

SPEAKER_01:

you're right

SPEAKER_00:

um anyway yep so the first time i tried about 40 50 pills i can't remember it was 40 it was yeah a heap yeah i'd slept i just fell asleep and i woke up the next day i can't remember the time frame still in that apartment then i tried 90 to 150 pills everything i had you know you big shaker like gym protein shake I filled that thing up and I was just handfuls probably doing like six to ten tablets at a mouthful and um some of them are only little they're not I I could just yeah I could just do it that time sort of scared me a little bit um I remember standing up probably I'd just taken them and I'd only finished the cup 15 minutes into it I got stood up to go to the toilet and I was like I could not walk I was side to side like I was drunk and I was like this kind of feels good and then I went to the toilet I went back to my bed I then shit myself I could not move at this point then and I just fell asleep I slept for 3 days then I woke up and I thought righto boys let's do it again like it's not committing suicide again but guess it wasn't my time like let's face world again yeah the first time I sort of tried was I ran my car into a pole sort of like just a gate um the puma near Costco I think it's it's something else now there's like a petrol station yeah oh sorry right near Costco um you know the petrol station sort of Yeah, near the highway. I was doing about 80, and I thought, yep, there was a big power pole right next to the fence. I was going for that power pole, and then very last minute, only time I chickened out of committing suicide, I quickly turned and I ran into the fence. So for a good few months, that fence was broken.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Were you physically unharmed?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yep. Just

SPEAKER_01:

walked away.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep, and that's why I then went to trying to overdose because I thought, A car is quite safe. They're designed to save your life. I do know lots of people die in car wrecks.

SPEAKER_01:

There are strategies in place to

SPEAKER_00:

lower that life. Yes. And then... I still was just diagnosed with BPD taking my antidepressant. I think I was on like 150. At

SPEAKER_01:

any point, so this is by time three. Yep. But did you, if you're spiritual, did you ever think like maybe I'm not supposed to? Or was like obviously depression and all of these things are brainwaves and

SPEAKER_00:

things.

SPEAKER_01:

It was just such an irrational discussion in your head that you couldn't think that way. Maybe I'm not supposed to do this. Maybe I am supposed to be here. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. yeah so yeah definitely like after I'd tried and then I've woken up and I'm still here yes I would be like okay it's not my time maybe in four weeks it is so then from that low I would then have another high and then I would have a low again yeah and with your highs

SPEAKER_01:

were you like what was I thinking like why would I even try that or not really

SPEAKER_00:

not really I was just like I'm so blessed I have I have a great support network and my ex's family still to this day are one of my biggest supporters like they're they never gave up hope on this journey they knew how fucked up I was like they you know and they still just backed me like you're okay we're gonna get to the bottom of this you're just sick um and so yeah and then I so it's 2021 I then moved out of the unit the end of 2021 beginning of 2022 I moved into my house and then it was the end of 2022 so the whole of 20 the whole of 22 I was working now full-time and I'd had like over a hundred and something hours off in that year um because of these depressive episodes I hadn't tried Tried. suicide in that year I was getting to it I'd known my thoughts the tendencies were coming stronger and stronger I was seeing my psychiatrist not the drug one psychologist I'm so sorry I should know this I was seeing my psychologist a lot more frequently and then at the end of 2022 I admitted my into Belmont Private Hospital and then I got a psychiatrist oh my god girl just say psych then I got a psych and I was in there for about 6 weeks that is then when I was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 which makes complete sense looking back on my childhood I can't say for facts that my mum has or doesn't have bipolar however being diagnosed clinically with it myself, she showed a lot of the same symptoms as I did.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you know if bipolar is genetic?

SPEAKER_00:

Bipolar is 85% genetic.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow,

SPEAKER_00:

yeah, okay. It's something like 70% to 85%. You can get it if no one in your line has it. It's 0.02% of a chance of forming it that way. BPD and bipolar walk hand in hand and show a lot of the same symptoms that are radical highs and lows typically is recognised with bipolar

SPEAKER_01:

you

SPEAKER_00:

know like the weather when it's cold then hot a lot of people say oh the weather is bloody bipolar today however there's two types of bipolar as well I'm type 1 so where you have a mania and depressive so that that what i was saying felt like um i was on crack typically you do a lot of irrational things like you quit your job you sell everything you get credit cards um you have a radical sex and unprotective unprotected sex um I did I did have in 2022 I in my highs I did have unsafe sex and sort of things now that I'm properly medicated I thought that was a little bit you know why was I thinking like that yeah but never like I'm on a lot of different form forums of people with bipolar talking about what they've done in mania nothing as crazy as what some people have done

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

okay um my my life Lows is what I don't ever want to go back to a low. That is what scares me. My highs I would happily have easy because they're not that dangerous. They don't affect anyone around me. It's my lows that really affect me and the people I love the most.

SPEAKER_01:

How long do they generally last? Like both the lows and the highs, a couple of days, a couple of weeks?

SPEAKER_00:

So the high is typically a week to two.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

End. Since I've been properly medicated, it's very more far and few between.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_00:

But when I was diagnosed with BPD. Yeah. And just on antidepressants. So keep in mind, I don't have depression.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

So I was not... They're not working. Yeah, I'm not on the right medication. Yeah. So when I was on antidepressants, the high would last about a week to two.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'd almost feel like it was my body's way of nesting, getting me ready for my low... there would be about a week or two in between that, then my lows would last a solid week. Easy.

SPEAKER_01:

So did you find, is it from high to low to high, or is it from high to, I'm going to use the word stable, from high to a stable point for a few weeks and then to a low back to stable, like not cyclic, but is there stable periods within... All of that, or is it from one up, down, up, down?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, no, so it is... It's a high, and then they call it a normal flat line. Then it was like that for about a week or so, and then, yep, it was a low.

SPEAKER_01:

And can you... Sorry, can you go high to flat line, back to high, or vice versa, low to flat line, back to low?

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's... important to remember to acknowledge everyone's different so some people could do that my circles personally would go high normal low normal high normal low normal

SPEAKER_01:

yeah etc so kind of just up

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

up down yeah but with medium points

SPEAKER_00:

yeah okay and so i was um i was Yep, end of 2022 on the right medication. Feeling a bit better. And then 2022, I was feeling... Sorry, 2023, I was feeling a little bit better. 2024... I fell pregnant and my GP took me off my medication. Now, typically people with bipolar, when they get to that manic, that high flat line, that sort of, they're like, oh, I'm fine. I'm better. I don't need this medication. Thankfully, I have not done that because I remember my lows. I know that I'm sick and I know that I do need this medication. You do not take somebody with bipolar off it because it is a chemical imbalance so therefore the chemicals aren't balanced imagine a seesaw somebody gets off the seesaw it's going to one level is going to be higher than the other so I've got the hormones and then you know things in my relationship weren't working at the time now I've been taking off this medication I was like oh shit like here we go again

SPEAKER_01:

you obviously can't take it while pregnant

SPEAKER_00:

you can it is two of the medication I was on are classified C grade medication so could be harmful to the fetus but then I guess as a mother you have a choice to make yeah You know, what do you care for?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, obviously I... Everyone's

SPEAKER_01:

different.

SPEAKER_00:

Everyone's different. I took my own mental health. Yeah. Because if I wasn't well...

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah,

SPEAKER_00:

absolutely. Yeah, I have two other children I need to worry about.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And I didn't want to go back down that low. Yeah. God knows if I kept going down that track of not being on that medication... the baby probably wouldn't have made it yeah the suicidal thoughts would have came back and the tendencies were coming back but I while you were off the medication while I was off the medication so then I then put myself into an outpatient program in Belmont again and saw another psych because my psych had since left the hospital he'd left the country I'd never done catch ups with him which is bizarre now because my psych that I see now we do touch ups every three months so I just thought okay yeah it is what it is and so I saw a new psych and he's like why did he put you on this and why are you only on this amount I was on too low of medication so he upped my mood stabiliser while I was pregnant upped it by like double and then I don't know, like leveled something else out since then. Oh my God, I have felt... somewhat normal i oh yeah i also got diagnosed with adhd people with bipolar typically have adhd and so yet again that's a chemical imbalance and the science like the symptoms of adhd there can be points of depression and it's not just oh squirrel like it's sorry it's not just yeah yeah there are other symptoms and

SPEAKER_01:

yeah and women present differently to men with adhd yeah the been lots of women now who are only being diagnosed yeah but have had it obviously lifelong

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

yeah um and so so you're on medication for adhd as well now yes how many medications do you take you don't have to

SPEAKER_00:

tell me what yeah um so every day i take my my mood stabilizer and then at night i take i don't know what it really is i just i just take it yeah um it's working it's it's working yep when I'm told to take it at night. So I take that. And then my ADHD ones, I don't have to take every day. I can take upwards of five a day. So when I'm working, I've been on mat leave for the past five months. So when I'm working, I do take three every morning. That keeps me focused and I'm able to stay on one task and that sort of thing while I'm at work. And then throughout the days, if I'm not at work and, you know, I feel, okay, all right, like I'm, yeah, I don't know. I can sort of know. And I like that ADHD with the, I'm on dexamphetamine, I don't have to take every day. It is my choice of when I take it. Yeah. So, yeah, let's say I take seven tablets a day. Yeah. Yeah, and...

UNKNOWN:

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00:

I think, you know, like first being diagnosed with bipolar, I remember when I got diagnosed with BPD, education's key and I'm a researcher. So straight away I'm Googling borderline personality disorder, like tips and like is this curable, blah, blah, blah. Well, yeah, BPD is curable. A lot of therapy because it's just, it's neuro, neurological, So it's just the path of your brain needs to be rewired. It's a lot of work, therapy and different things you need to do, but you can be cured from it. And then being diagnosed with bipolar, knowing that this is a disease and I am going to have it for the rest of my life, and then knowing I could pass it on to my children... It was guilt and then shame of I'm bipolar because... I guess as a society, people just, they don't really, they don't understand what bipolar is. A lot of people think bipolar is, oh yeah, oh you fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Rage. It's yeah. Uncontrollable rage is I think the common perception. If I was to think of, I know that there's more to it, but just stereotypical. Yes. Yep. Rage, abuse, violence. Yeah. That's what people think of. Exactly. And then like manic laughter and duality and things like that. Yeah. But it's not.

SPEAKER_00:

And look, it could be in some people. True. But I found with myself, no, like it's not.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

BPD is... is what you're sort of describing that means you know people with bpd have hourly they can have hourly mood swings so it just yeah people with bipolar type one because remember there's two types so type one it's you can have your highs and lows they could last months to weeks i should say they should they could last days to weeks to months years even yeah um and then type two is a little bit different i believe you present you have to present with at least type two i think it's it's mainly manic but it's not hyper manic i as in Yeah, like silly sex and just sleeping with randoms and that sort of dangerous behaviour. I believe, don't quote me on that. Yet again, I have researched a lot of it, but I don't really research too much about type 2 because I don't want to fill my brain with information that's not really relevant to me. Sorry. Yeah, so... it's yeah i guess it's just like learning about it too was just so fascinating doing courses i'm really into the psychiatric side of things and i think your brain is such a a wonderful thing it's so unknown even when when it's sleeping it's not it's not sleep it sort of just goes on autopilot yeah it's yeah just it's an amazing thing i love it and it's interesting to me too to know just how much our childhood being a mum of young children really does affect the rest of your life like your brain is literally a sponge like they say and I think they say between the ages of 0 to 5 it shapes what sort of human you're then going to grow up to be

SPEAKER_01:

it's just crazy It's crazy. So much

SPEAKER_00:

pressure as well as a mother. Yeah. Is it pressure, though? Oh, yeah. I put a lot of pressure on myself. But you're not the only influence in your girls' lives.

SPEAKER_01:

That's

SPEAKER_00:

true. Look at you balancing me

SPEAKER_01:

out. That's true. It's Harry's fault.

SPEAKER_00:

No, but, you know, I remember being a child and there's certain teachers I still remember to this day where I think, wow, like, they have changed and shaped me into the woman I am. Yeah. It's not just mum and dad. That's true. could be someone that they see aunties and aunts yeah yeah youtubers they could be something that they see on on youtube and they think oh that's a core memory or it sort of shapes a little part of them

SPEAKER_01:

yeah true

SPEAKER_00:

yeah interesting yeah i think do not put that that amount of pressure on yourself at all oh my don't no

SPEAKER_01:

so you're medicated now

SPEAKER_00:

yeah fully

SPEAKER_01:

medicated and i do you feel fully stable or are there points where you still feel like a whisper of a low and a high

SPEAKER_00:

or i still i still feel the highs so where i'll sort of like nest i want to say you know like when you're nesting you clean the walls and you clean every little crevice in the house yeah yeah i still have those points where i do that there's a lot more of the the cleaning side of things than what there is with the lows and since i've been on maternity leave I I do spend a lot of my time in bed cuddling my baby yeah also keeping I keep in mind okay yep I've showered today there's been times where I haven't showered for two days you know I've got a newborn and it's okay so that can be yeah that can be normal and so I check in okay like I've I've eaten yep okay am I like just how am I feeling I just check in with myself and I think putting in all the work of going to see my psych and keeping in touch with my GP keeping in touch with my doctor at Belmont and taking my medication doing all of that doing making sure I'm filling my cup um every day whether it is just having a cheeky cigarette you know is that is that what fills my cup or something every single day I was really interested after being diagnosed and medicated properly if I would get postnatal depression third time around touch wood I haven't and I often wonder did I have postnatal depression with the first two or was it just my bipolar

SPEAKER_01:

do you know what age bipolar generally presents

SPEAKER_00:

typically late teen early adulthood

SPEAKER_01:

ok so you were having babies

SPEAKER_00:

then yeah so you throw in the hormones and I truly don't believe I had postnatal depression I believe it was just undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar

SPEAKER_01:

yeah have you found that now this pregnancy and journey with motherhood having a third child since being diagnosed and on meds is a better experience an easier experience because you're not managing these other symptoms

SPEAKER_00:

yeah 100% this pregnancy see a little bit was a is a gray area

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

i guess because my baby's father and i our relationship fully broke down and by the time he was born we were not together not living together yeah no thought of being together again so i i did sort of ignore the fact i was pregnant for a long time and that's why i was wondering like is this a sort of pre-natal depression or is this just the fact that i'm just working and i've got i'm focusing on what i've got in And hormones. And hormones, yeah. Then he was born and having him compared to having my first adult. 1920 this has been so much more uh pleasant i guess enjoyable yeah yeah you know i it straight off the bat he was a couple of days old i've got my other two children at home i'm cooking dinner feeding a newborn

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

um i think he might have been a week and a bit old we'd come home we came home and he was about six days old the very next day so he's a week old very next day i had all three kids We're doing school drop-off. And it was not stressful.

SPEAKER_01:

I can

SPEAKER_00:

listen to him screaming now. He got really bad trapped gas for the first couple of months of his life. And so I remember binge-watching Grey's Anatomy. And I just have him. I'm very good at knowing the cues of his cry. And so when he was crying, air, I knew it was just his belly and that there is nothing more I can do for this poor little man. I've tried a bath and I've tried a massage and then if he would say, nah, I knew he wasn't hungry, I knew that he has a sore tummy and his tummy is sending his brain wrong signals and I'd just tune out to it and I'd just be plugged in. There's once he was going through a leap and maybe three months old-ish, where I popped him in his bassinet and I walked to the other end of my house where I couldn't hear him. I'd been up for about two hours, fully doing this all by myself as well, and I'd walked to the other side of the house for maybe, I'd walked and then took a deep breath and then came back. Yeah. Look, only time. Yeah. That was sort of, in my head, gave him to his dad to, it's your turn. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. oh she's been my rock from from 20 to now like just strongest person and i could tell her anything and she's like yeah no like cool hey i've just murdered this person yep cool no problem like the body yeah like she's just my ride or die yeah yeah um my children's dad we have a bit we've always had a very good relationship relationship we've had ups and downs of course that's

SPEAKER_01:

human nature

SPEAKER_00:

though yeah but we've always somewhat got along and there could be times where I'm like hey the baby's been up I've got no sleep do you mind having the two children or whatever it may be yeah not a problem

SPEAKER_01:

oh that's good you've always spoken very very well of

SPEAKER_00:

course of course yeah you know I wouldn't want to it's not my place to say anything else either um and my his mum so my ex-mother-in-law she would call me almost daily the first couple of weeks hey like how you going you know like if you need to reach out you can, not much she could do she lives in bloody Airlie Beach but still, just someone being like hey you're not alone and you don't have to do this by yourself, I also done a few courses at Belmont as an outpatient I done triple P and then circle of circle of security so just tips on parenting I guess, loved it, it was great I was able to bring the baby there were other mums there most of them had postnatal depression they were patients of of Belmont and so Belmont has a few different sectors and they have a whole closed off you need a key to get through to a mum's and bub's ward

SPEAKER_01:

oh

SPEAKER_00:

yeah yeah highly highly recommend the hospital honestly

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

um and then I then started going to the like working out because I knew I knew that I needed to at least get out of the house if I crept myself up it could be it could be bad yeah Getting that adult communication. I love the bloody chat. Yeah, who doesn't? Yeah, so, you know, that sort of thing. And, yeah, touch wood. I haven't had... I haven't even had... depressive episode since i was put on higher medication when when i was about 22 ish weeks pregnant

SPEAKER_01:

wow

SPEAKER_00:

yeah

SPEAKER_01:

do you avoid telling people that you're bipolar just because of the stigma

SPEAKER_00:

i think i did for for a long time yet again because of the shame and yeah the stigma behind it but now i think fuck no like it's it's not it's not my fault i was born with this and if someone else is is out there with it being diagnosed with depression or yeah yeah yeah yeah i think we are very lucky to live in australia with we have such a good not even health care system, but mental health care system. But the steps, I remember begging my GP, please, I need help. Please help me. At the end of, what was it, 2020, 2022, it was August 2022, I was like, please, I need to get into this hospital. I need help. I couldn't because it's so expensive. You need to have private health. So then I got private health. I had to wait three months. to have top hospital cover to then be covered. When you're at that sort of point and you don't have motivation to do the bare necessities to then be your own voice to want to get better, yeah, a little bit shitty.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a little bit hard. You know, if you don't have the people behind you to say, like, it's all right, like, keep going, and if you don't have that bit of drive in you as well to want to keep going,

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I totally get I get it

SPEAKER_01:

you

SPEAKER_00:

know a lot of people and it's ain't all but a lot of people end up homeless due to mental health substance abuse as well but substance abuse is not just oh yeah I want to try crack cocaine today or whatever it is no one tries a drug and thinks I want to be addicted to this they try it and then they numb something think that that then they get hooked on this and i guess i i probably shouldn't really talk like that because i don't know facts about it but then yeah they just give up everything this feels this feels good to me yeah

SPEAKER_01:

better than that felt

SPEAKER_00:

yeah yeah and oh well i've been evicted my kids have been taken off me i've lost my job yeah and here i am living on the streets in

SPEAKER_01:

slippery slope

SPEAKER_00:

yeah oh yes it is yeah yeah yeah it's i followed this um youtube this youtuber in america he goes on to skid row he's called white shadows i believe and so skid row is oh i should know i think it's in between it's near california i believe and it is where known as one of the biggest stretch of homeless people and so he goes in there and just pays homeless people to tell their story yeah just yeah and he'll record it the biggest thing is they grew up with substance abuse their parents had it their parents had um mental health problems they were in and out of foster care and or sexual abuse like it's and then it's that happened to their parents and that happened and it's just it is it is just a cycle i i was molested when i was younger oh sorry no no no that's okay i just went to sleep um i was molested when i was younger and so i guess Seeing my mum not be able to get out of bed and not be able to send us to school and then, you know, being molested, I wanted to break that chain for my children. That was a little bit of push drive as well. I wanted to be the cycle breaker. There is no way... I got goosebumps. There is no way my girls are going to grow up and think, I don't want to be anything like that lady.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I

SPEAKER_00:

did have a client a client say to me once no matter what you're going to fuck your kids up which makes sense no matter how perfect you are your kids are going to grow up and think I don't want to do that one thing whether it was we had to eat veggies too

SPEAKER_01:

often you know or I had too much love my parents told me I was so special now I can't have an ordinary job

SPEAKER_00:

because I'm special or I'm never going to make my kids read too often because my mum used to always make me read before I go to bed, before I went to bed. No matter what, you're going to fuck

SPEAKER_01:

your kids up. Yeah, I agree with

SPEAKER_00:

that. It just depends on...

SPEAKER_01:

Are you going to traumatise them? Yeah. Or are you going to just give them some things that they need to talk about

SPEAKER_00:

with someone? Yeah. Yeah. On what level are you going to do it?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Are you acting out of

SPEAKER_00:

love or

SPEAKER_01:

negligence?

SPEAKER_00:

And I think too... Every generation and every parent is only doing the best that they know how to do with what they're given. You know, my mum had mental health problems. We also lived in a rural area about four hours from Brisbane.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And this is early to mid-2000s.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So, like, there was not very much support and not very much talk around mental health at that time either. I think it sort of maybe changed. just started to come up but nowhere near as much you wouldn't be sitting on a radio channel no you know talking about it

SPEAKER_01:

yeah absolutely

SPEAKER_00:

not yeah it just it wasn't a thing yeah and so There is no part of my being that thinks this is all my mum's fault. I'm this way because of my mum. Because that lady was a traumatised young girl in a woman's body. An unhealed traumatised young girl

SPEAKER_01:

in

SPEAKER_00:

an adult's body. Not knowing what the hell to do next. Not knowing which way's up. And not knowing where to go to get help. Then throw in... five children. Like, could you imagine having five children? No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I can't imagine having three. I have two. Yeah. Hats off to all the mums of more than two children.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And... Yeah, like, she had her own battles going on that... Yeah. She never... She... I think I said it earlier, but it is truly okay to be selfish when you are a mum.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Within means. I mean, going out every night while your kids are at someone's house or at home by themselves. Mm-hmm. You know. Yeah. But I always come first before my children. Mm-hmm. If I need five minutes or I want to go and get my nails done... Mm-hmm. No, actually, that's not true because I don't have my nails done. But, you know... You

SPEAKER_01:

can pick

SPEAKER_00:

something. Yeah. That's for you. Always I come first because if I'm not good, how the hell am I going to fill their cup?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You can't fill someone else's cup with an empty cup.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So it's okay to be selfish when you're a mother. I agree.

UNKNOWN:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

amazing so thank you so much that was so insightful um we just had a little pause but yeah just the insight and detail that you were able to provide on how you felt and everything was just so beautiful so

SPEAKER_00:

thank you so much you're most welcome i think the main message i want to get out today is if you feel something is not right yeah keep pushing if you have to see a few other doctors be your own voice yeah you owe it to yourself

SPEAKER_01:

yeah

SPEAKER_00:

yeah don't give up