Fertility & faith.

Trigger warning; this episode discusses infertility, miscarriage, mental health & religion. 

Tara always thought becoming a mother would be a breeze for her, after generations before her had conceived so easily.

Devastatingly this was not the case.

Join Tara as she takes us on emotional journey detailing her feelings of loss, inadequacy, comparison and love.

This story does start and end with such beautiful experiences, and really helps shine a light on experiences can be shared but not always in the same way.

Thank you for joining me for this incredible lived experience. 

Shea xx

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to the Uncommon Exposé, where I want to change your life by sharing someone else's. If you've got an open mind, then please join me and my guests as we share their incredible, inspiring, true stories. Trigger warning, this episode discusses infertility, miscarriage, mental health and religion. Hello, welcome to the Uncommon Exposé. I'm really excited to have you here. I don't actually really know anything about your story because you reached out to me on social media, which I love. Lots of people do that. So I'm really excited to just hear what you've got for me. So I'm going to, as always, let you introduce yourself and then we're just going to crack straight on. You ready? Yes, I am. Hello, my name is Tara. I have two young children and I'm 36 years old. Amazing. Cool. So what Let's go. What are you going to talk to us today? And then we'll go with your story. Sure. So my story covers my infertility journey. So I did mention I have children now. So thankfully over the other side and mentions IVF as well as pregnancy loss. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So a little bit of a trigger warning there for anyone that might be a bit confronting. Yeah. Cool. And where does your story start? Yes. So my story is a back to 2017 so right after I got married um I'm someone who and I've listened to this in your podcast before had really really always wanted children yeah and had always wanted to be a mum so um that was really important for me growing up to always just like be focused on one day being a mum yeah um so as soon as I got married it was you know straight down to business and really wanted to start our family and by then I was in my late 20s so I felt very ready had um you know really had a career and yeah done some travel and was just very ready by that point in time so um yes we started trying right after um we got married and um i expected it to be straight away i thought as soon as we got home there'd be a pregnancy announcement from the honeymoon because everyone in my family had fallen pregnant straight away yeah okay so my sister and my mom and my aunties and everywhere like fertility has always been something and growing up was to always be very careful because we had a very fertile family and even my mum got told she wouldn't be able to have kids so that wasn't with her that was separately with my dad and she ended up having two kids naturally and didn't really have any issues falling pregnant so she said we were super fertile so I'd always had that in the back of my mind growing up but had never fallen pregnant but I'm just so glad that it hasn't happened early early. So after a few months of trying quite eagerly using all of the apps and the timings and things, things weren't happening. So I started to really think, I think maybe something's wrong here. Like I just feel like it should have been faster. Yeah. Did you find that growing up with all of that pressure mentally, like it could have, I guess, either gone two ways, like mentally you're like, oh my God, you've been putting off trying for so long that that's that switch in your brain like didn't flip or were you like this is like it's happened so easily for everyone else yeah like it will happen easily for me but was that a pressure as well yeah or did were you just like nah it's easy breezy baby let's get it done yeah I just thought it was going to be so easy yeah okay looking back now and I had this conversation with mum after we did have issues and I'd said to her you know she'd made a presumption that her experience was a seamless one yeah with her sisters and her mum and I said, but like that was kind of imposed on me a little. So I went into it thinking I was going to be exactly the same because we share the same genetics and being on the pill for 10 years, like I'm not sure what that did or over 10 years. Yeah. I don't think we fully know the extent of that at the moment, no. No, and it's going to be something I'm going to be super careful for, for my own daughter when she wants to start looking at that to really ensure that she knows what those side effects are and what that can do to your hormones and the effect that that can have because I think looking back now as a 15, 16-year-old, I should have been looking into that more. Yeah. I just got told to go straight on it. Well, yeah, it was different. I feel like I say that a lot. It was different back then though. The risks and things weren't as well known as they are now. Definitely, yeah. And you're 15. You just don't want to have a baby. Yeah, exactly. The other things we think, yeah, we'll worry about those later. Yeah. Yeah. And that was a warning sign back then was that I had really painful periods. Yeah, okay. And they would like cause me to faint. Oh, wow. Yeah, and the doctor's answer was go straight on the pill. This will help fix your issue. And it did. Yeah, it did. It masked my symptoms for a long time. Yeah. Until I then came off it and realised those symptoms were all still there. Yeah. So after quite a few months and things weren't happening, I started to fret. I started to really feel like– Like, I'm failing here. This has happened so quickly for all my friends, everyone I know. Yeah. Straight away. People started asking us as well, which was very awkward because we were very much trying very hard. Yeah. And I started to recluse a little from gatherings and things because people were like, oh, you've been married now for six months. Like, are you guys going to have a baby soon? Yeah. Okay. We would love to, but, you know, we just got to wait. Like, I didn't tell anyone really. yeah of how difficult it was um so we then got to the one year mark of trying for one year and i was like like enough is enough i cannot handle any more of these apps any more of these um you know fertility tests to see my window and temperature gauge and all of eating the food so we went to a fertility clinic finally um and they'd said that a prerequisite is that you have to be trying for a year so we tipped that one off even though it doesn't seem like a long time it feels like a really long time when you're in it oh I think a year is a long time it's 12 disappointments yeah it's every single month seeing your period come and it's like it's a grieving and it's work for 12 months every day yeah very hard work emotional I think that sounds like forever yeah definitely it's like a plank it's only a minute but it goes forever I think that would feel like forever yeah definitely and that sense of when your period comes every month and seeing that blood it's like it's just like a loss every month that you're facing like every single month like you didn't make it that month and like you've lost that opportunity and i felt like this ticking time clock when people talk about the clock yeah and getting approaching 30 and i was like that's when i was meant to have had a baby by now like it was yeah okay ending sense of doom yeah so we went to fertility clinic and we got all of our tests done and they tested us and such scrutiny with tests and everything came back fine. And they're like, you guys are fine. Like you're full pregnant naturally. Yeah. And I was like, but we're not though. And it's not from a lack of trying. So I said, well, I know you may think we're fine, but I don't think things are fine. Like I know my body and something's not right here. Yeah. So finally they let us start our first IVF cycle, which I started on Mother's Day in 2018. I had my first injection and I was working full time and I also had to travel for work. So I had to carry my my medications around on planes and things and inject myself in small country towns away from my husband hoping that i wouldn't have any adverse reactions so it was super scary and i did have some reactions that would like cause me to black out oh wow so thankfully that was when hubby was there but um just black out or do you have other reactions as well it was just blacking out yeah okay yeah so um thankfully some people have really adverse reactions to those hormones so i'm really glad that i didn't get the rage and the horrible weight gain and the nausea and everything like i was okay the things we do to our bodies for babies worth it so worth it but oh so much yeah especially when i really started to just feel depressed that i was like why is this why is this our story like why is this happening to us when this isn't happening to anyone else i kind of knew of in my friendship circle yeah um except for one friend who my best friend had fallen pregnant with IVF and I was super hopeful that that was going to be our story as well one cycle one and done so we did actually fall pregnant in that first cycle but sadly lost that baby very quickly so within a few days of me having that confirmed two little lines that I'd been waiting to see my entire lifetime and I was just so excited that finally this has worked I kept testing and I started to see the lines fade so it's what they call a um a chemical pregnancy which i actually really hate the word chemical pregnancy because it's not always recognized as a miscarriage because it's yeah um you lose quite quickly so it's kind of around the five week mark and i think they don't class technically until six weeks but for me that's just like really horrible like it was here and you know little beans is what we had called that pub um was gone so quickly but they were still here yeah and it's you had an emotional attachment yeah yeah yeah very Very much I did. And from the moment they put that bub inside me, I was like, this is it. This is the baby. This is the one we've been waiting for. Had named the little bub Little Bean. Had spoken to them every day about, you know, all the things we're going to do together. And just I try to really remain really positive because I'm very strong in faith and positive thinking. I was like, if I can will myself for this to work, it will work. And it didn't. So that was devastating. And that just absolutely like crushed me. And you say you're of faith. Yes. Did you at any point question that through this? Yes. Yeah. I just got chills when you said that because, yeah, that was really, really hard when you've grown up your entire life, you know, believing in God and his plan. Yeah. And that I thought all along like he placed this Yeah. He's the one who wants me to be a mum. Yeah. But why isn't he allowing me to be a mum? Yeah. So it was like... It was very conflicting and I started to separate myself from going to church more because I was very angry, like very, very angry and very depressed. And the doctors said you, like they diagnosed me with clinical depression and said, you know, you are really unwell, but you can't go on any medication to help you because that medication you can't fall pregnant on. So it was like... Oh, that's really interesting. I know. It is. there's medication for postpartum depression and psychosis and anxiety but for some reason they couldn't give me something that I could fall pregnant with see and I'm sure that someone else has come on and said that they were on antidepressants while they were trying yeah and I kind of didn't believe that at the time yeah when you're trying to fall pregnant it was like I was eating all of the healthiest foods I'd stopped drinking coffee I'd stopped obviously drinking alcohol I was just on the healthiest diet on all of these Chinese herbs to try to fall pregnant it was all about keeping my body warm so I was always in socks and soups and like so I didn't even when they said that I was like I didn't really question it because I was like I don't want to put anything artificial in my body that's going to hinder anything that I'll be left to If I lose a baby, it's not going to be for something that sounds awful. No, I understand your point of view. And everyone has their own. And for some people, meds are 100% necessary. I really needed them. Well, yeah, but I can understand your thought process at the time when you're so desperate for something. There is nothing that you want. You don't want anything that could possibly, even like 0.1 of a percent. You just don't risk it when you're so invested. So I can completely understand why that's the choice you made. Yeah. So I started really reaching out for support by joining infertility support groups. And I found a meetup group in Brisbane, which was just like incredible. incredible were they of faith as well or was yeah no they weren't so this was when i kind of started separating myself more from going to church which was sad really looking back um but yeah i just needed connection with people that have been through the journey yeah laugh about like we all had like quite um different journeys and some people have been on this for eight to ten years oh wow you know and that it Yeah. Yeah. might not make it through this but this group was amazing because we would just like have a laugh at what people would say like that just a silly like go on holiday yeah it'll happen when you stop trying yeah yeah and like i am a believer that everything should Everything falls into place and it certainly has now. But at that time, advice like, you know, if it's meant to be, it will be. Yeah. I know what they're saying and I know that there's paths and everything in place. But at that point in time when you're knee deep in it. In the trenches. It's not helpful. Yeah. It's just not helpful at all. Yeah. Because it's not like losing a child and going on that excruciating journey. It's easy to say that when you're not on it. But if anyone who's been on it, I'm sure that they wouldn't say that to you whilst you're doing that because it's just not as helpful. I just I think I just wanted to hear from people like I'm just like sorry that you lost your baby yeah okay and like just general like rather than trying to solve it yeah yeah you're already doing everything that you can to solve it yeah I wrote down at one point in a notebook everything I was doing yeah visually see I was doing yeah yeah yeah and the notebook was was pages long of every small step of eating pineapple because it makes you like just crazy stuff that no one would think that is going to lead to it. But the amount of research that I've just all through the night, I couldn't sleep because I was just researching like various ways and techniques and timings. And so we lost our first, I wasn't, back in church at this point in time and then um we didn't have any embryos from that first cycle so the other two that i had from that cycle didn't make it to day five so you have to have them made to day five before you're able to freeze them oh okay so then i had to do it so so with that round i didn't experience ibf yeah so they harvest the eggs and then they fertilize them for five days and then only so out of three only one one of yours survived which is the one that was implanted and the okay and then the other two just didn't even make it so that first one did make five days and then they inserted it exactly yeah or implanted it yeah yeah that's exactly right so then i was back at square one again yeah starting all the same injections yeah so again i was envious of the people who did ivf that did have frozen embryos and then yeah and get another one implanted and i didn't have that so it was like it just felt like nothing was going right like even on the ibf journey it was like just envious of people who fell pregnant and kept their babies envious of those who you know the person next to me had 17 eggs that they picked up in their second cycle they write the number on your hand so when you wake up out of surgery you can see the number of eggs that they took out and you had three removed I had five at that point. Okay. They were only suitable. Yeah, okay. But in my second cycle when I saw that person of 17, I only had two written down on my hand. So I went again, two eggs and she was ecstatic, understandably. So happy for her too. But like so many eggs in comparison. Yeah. She was 17 and I only have two. And I'm 29. Like I'm not– geriatric pregnancy yeah you have age on your side you're young um but it was in that second cycle they came to see me and said hey We didn't pick this up the first time, but you're riddled with endometriosis everywhere. Oh, wow. Your organs are stuck together. We could see it when getting the eggs this time around that it's attached itself to everything. And endometriosis is when the uterine lining grows outside of the uterus. That's exactly right. And it can adhere, so stick to other organs and make them stick together. Yeah, it can travel from your uterus and attach to other parts of your body. body yeah my severe endo um recently had some removed from her lungs so she's having breathing issues that is so sad it is it's terrifying isn't it yeah something from your uterus has traveled so far and attached itself onto your lungs which meant she couldn't breathe properly and every time she got her period when when uterus would contract all of the parts in your body would contract which explained why my periods were always so heavy why you know it was um so hard growing up having that so I was shocked and I was like how am I only finding out about this now but also this makes sense and it kind of diagnosis finally so it was like this isn't my fault there's a disease here a disease that affects one in ten women and has no cure and has had research and not enough money poured into it for years and there's no solution for people some people I know with endo can't work because they have complete debilitating pain all the time not just when they have their period so I'm really thankful that I have been able to work and I have been able to maintain jobs and things people lost jobs because of the amount of time that they have to take off yeah but also I was like so this is the problem like yeah this is what it is this is finally I've got my answer relief it was a sense of relief yeah it was it was like I I felt like I felt like explain but so much guilt that I couldn't give my husband a baby that him and I wanted but I also felt like at that time I was like at least I'm the one bearing this and he's not the one with low sperm count because I hate for him to feel this level of pain where it's like I kind of wanted it to be my fault in a way because I didn't want him to feel like he wasn't giving me my dreams but it was hard to live with like my body that should be doing what it's meant to be doing isn't yeah And it's not working like every female I know. Normal. Yeah, normal body. A normal body, that's right. And I longed for that normal body that I didn't have. So I had a lot of resentment to my body as well at that time. And it was like I was trying to grow a baby, but also I hated myself. I hated my body for failing me. I thought, why? Yeah. email as a wife as a daughter for my mum who wanted grandkids and she had people asking her when are you going to have grandkids yeah so not only was i getting pressure she was getting pressure yeah and that was affecting her as well she was really sad at that point of time too so her and i together were just a sad bunch and she was was she sad for you as well not just the pressure externally but she knew what you wanted and yeah you would tell her every emotional journey and as a Sorry, as a mother, you go on that with your child. Yeah, and she did. Yeah. She stepped up into the role of everything that I... That's giving me goosebumps. I know. I love my mum. Oh, that's so beautiful. She, I... yeah I couldn't have done it without her she attended appointments she paid for some of our IVF because of the cost we spoke every day on the phone like she was looking into her own research and she was just incredible oh what a blessing yeah she is very much and as a mum now as you said like I do the same thing for my little girl and I just hope she doesn't end up with endo and end up with these same issues that I had like I just yeah I pray for her now that she doesn't my mum had endo and I don't so yeah Thank you. That actually brings me hope. Yeah, I have no reproductive issues and my mum was like you and told she could never have children or anything. So, yes, it's very much an option. Okay, good. I need to hear that sometimes. Thank you. Yeah, no, you're welcome. So the second one, out of those two embryos, we had neither of them made it. And I didn't find that out until the day they were meant to transfer. So pineapples are the kind of symbol for infertility. Oh, okay. So people see someone who has a lot of pineapples on, like they may love pineapples. But also, I wore a lot of pineapples at that time because it's seen as a blood thinner and it just is like a symbol of infertility now. So it's on a lot of... inspirational shirts and things so this day i was just decked out in all my pineapple gear ready for my transfer my pineapple socks and my earrings and my shirt and everything so excited and i get the call to say that neither of those embryos made it i was in my um i was doing a lot of acupuncture at that time yeah okay to help infertility yeah and just devastated yeah i didn't even have a chance um to even transfer to then, you know, move on from that. So they did, I met with the endo specialist and they said, you really need to have surgery to remove your endo because it's affecting your egg quality. But they said the surgery was going to halve my count, my egg count. So as I scrape off the endo, that'll also scrape out almost half my egg. Oh my goodness. So I'll be losing so much, but I needed that. quality and i was like oh my gosh how the my eggs are horrid like they're they're terrible eggs and now you're telling me i'm gonna have to half them yeah and obviously i say obviously none of the eggs that are removed in that procedure are yeah that's disappointing no they're just all wasted and the doctor said to me that sounds horrible they're just wasted yeah it's horrid yeah the specialist said to me It was just an appointment. I was a month before I was about to turn 30. I was just looking at him and looking at my husband. My husband was looking at me and I was like, oh my God, this could be it. This could be my life, childlessness forever. And I was thinking, how am I going to live? How am I going to have a life without having a child? I was like, what am I going to do? Just travel? And my husband and I spoke when we got home. I was like, we're going to have to adopt. Yeah. We're going to have to do something. I'll get eggs from America. That was about$20,000 to get eggs across the border. And my husband's like, we don't have to have any babies. It's okay. We'll still have a great life. And I was like, no, we're not going to have a great life. Me? You think I cannot be a mum? Yeah. Do you know me at all? Yeah. So... I started getting really worried at that point for our marriage. Cause I was like, I'm going to become a mom. I'll be a single mom if I have to. Yeah. I don't know how I was going to get a baby, but I was like, Oh, I'll get a baby. I'll take a baby. I'll sell the house. Yeah. I'll mortgage it out. I'll sell it. And I will put, cause you know, adoption's about$50,000. So people like you can just adopt. The wait list is over 12 years. Wow. I know. So whenever anyone would say no, could just adopt i'm like okay do you have 50k and an extra 12 years to wait like yeah people say things and they just don't understand the whole picture of what that's like it's like a i don't want to say a death sentence but i read somewhere and i don't know if it's true but i i read a research report once that said people experiencing infertility have the same stress levels and anxiety as people undergoing chemo treatment. Oh, I could see that that would be true, though. I know. I don't know if it's true, and I know chemotherapy would be horrendous, but I just, yeah, I kind of thought, like, I don't know how it can get any worse than that. Yeah, and I assume most people would be in their late 20s at the earliest before they start going through any kind of infertility journey. So you add another 12 years onto that, instantly you're in your 40s. Yeah. That's a long time to be waiting for a child. And I just didn't know if I could make it. Yeah. I'm not saying I was suicidal, but... i struggled getting out of bed every day like it was a struggle i went to work every day and i put on a brave face and i smiled for everyone and i'll just get home and just crash in tears like every single day so i was like how can i do this for any length of time like it had already felt like such a long time as well as grieving the loss of a previous baby and you grieve embryos as well i think that's something people don't always understand is like when those embryos don't make it like they were little babies they were little souls like you hold all your hopes on these little ones and then you just get a phone call saying they didn't make it and then that nurse just hangs up the phone like that's not a social worker that calls you there's no are you okay like do you want to come speak to someone like I just there's so much loss involved in that journey it's a constant grieving process like you're grieving the entire time for babies for how your journey was meant to be how your life was meant to be so it's So we got told that I had to have this surgery. And then they said, let's, this doctor said, let's go again for another third round. Let's get some embryos to freeze. So you've got something to transfer after your surgery. And I was like, okay, let's do it. Like, what have I got to lose at this point? Except spending more money and the grief process if it doesn't work. So on that side, I know we got five embryos. Yay. and on the day that they were they were all meant to be frozen on day five and then i get a call to say one has made it one out of five oh wow and i was like okay crap so i've lost four yeah i'm like okay stay calm i was like okay let's just put that one on freeze and they said this one's not good enough to freeze it's never gonna make it it's never gonna be able to yeah like calm down and we'll implant it yeah like you want to put it in this body like yeah endo riddled body where it's everywhere yeah and they're like this is our only choice it's either that or it's destroyed yeah I was like far out so I went in I was like positive thinking yeah so I put my little you know I started praying again and I put my little headphones in listening to Spotify you are pregnant like yeah positive affirmations yeah and I listened to that single chance i got every time i was in the car everything and i was like this one's gonna make it i'm so confident this is a miracle we pray for and that's the one that's my daughter oh yay yes she did she made it yeah she defied all odds i was a high risk pregnancy yeah and i was worried the whole time yeah to see her and i was like oh please just make it yeah please make it and the day i found out i was pregnant with her it was two days before i was going to go in for my surgery oh wow thousand dollars and um i'm just so glad that like she just yeah she just i don't know how she made it like i really yeah and that's when i when i did go back to prayer and i just said like I will bring them back to you. And I know this is all part of a wider plan. And, yeah, and she has. And we go to church again every Sunday. It's just insane. So when she turned one, we didn't use any contraception after her birth. And they said, you can fall pregnant really quickly. And I said, great, Irish twins. Bring it. And I didn't think we would ever fall pregnant. Yeah. And I just got one period when she turned one. And without trying, that was the one period that I felt pregnant with my son naturally. Oh, wow. So I got to have a natural experience of how exciting it is when you're not... it's just crazy like yeah it still blows my mind like even all these years later that i got to have both of them and um yeah i think for a lot of people like that are still on that journey i'm i'm very mindful that like i'm so happy and blessed with but i'm very mindful that some people are never off that yeah that infertility train yeah i can't say that you know i'm not infertile anymore because i got to have two beautiful children but i still feel so connected to that community and sharing my story because it's like just want to have people realise how intense it really is and I just don't know if people talk about it enough and I know I felt so much shame and I didn't tell anyone for a long time that that's what we were experiencing because I felt guilt and I felt embarrassed and it's nothing to be embarrassed about at all and I wish I'd told people earlier so I could have had more help when I really needed it so that's in case anyone's listening, you know that they don't have to live with that level of pain, like to really reach out and talk to people. There's nothing to be ashamed of at all. No. I wish I never felt like that. And then talking about it does remove the shame. And it becomes like a common discussion. I'm trying and it's not happening. And then you have more people to lean on. It's not all on one person to be your husband, your mother, your sister, whoever it might be. There's more people to hold the pieces. Just like every other conversation is a normal conversation. One in ten women have endo. in four women will lose a pregnancy like so many people are going through it but yet you feel so alone like you're the only person in the world that's ever experienced this heartache and it's not there there are people everywhere but i feel like just a lot of people don't want to talk and i totally understand that but for me it's that's what started to heal me my journey was actually talking really openly about it yeah and i do now i share people when they ask about the kids and i was like i think that's an isn't she such a miracle and like Flynn is too because he made it through when I didn't think anyone would be able to make it through that yeah insides of mine which came through like have they pregnancy can sometimes restore remove yeah balance endometriosis have you found that it's a good question I have found that specialists said breastfeed for as long as you can okay yeah i've been breastfeeding for five and a half years straight back and back yep um and i am still doing that because it um changes your hormones so your you know your periods aren't as heavy and for me that's definitely been the case so for every month you don't have a period it doesn't flare up so you're not can't cure it yeah it kind of may not make it any worse yeah okay and that's not the case for everyone yeah but for me it has definitely helped my pain level my periods aren't as heavy or as painful yeah i don't know if that will change and i never ended up having the surgery obviously because i couldn't do that whilst breastfeeding but i just hope that i don't end up needing it it's quite invasive and it's it's a few weeks painful recovery time where you can't move i know i've had it um it's it's really full-on and only temporarily fixes the issue you know the endo will grow back within six months to two years and you could end up just having a surgery again yeah and like so many women are doing that frequently until they end up just getting rid of it all all together just you don't have to do that anymore so i hope that's not the case for me but i'll cross that bridge when i come to it if it is and i guess every surgery that someone's having that's another half of their egg count half of the egg count if they're having multiple surgeries yeah it's definitely really full on but for a lot of people they need to be able to clean it out to be able to create that space that a baby can live in so it's just insane that whole thing my heart really goes out to people that are on that journey now and my endo sisters because it's yeah it really is so thankful for where we are now but i also never forget how we got there yeah and even though this you know this journey was six years ago now it's it still feels like it was yesterday like i remember those memories so easily and it will be always like a part of our story and something that i will and i have shared with with her and yeah um And you're probably the hope for someone who's on that journey right now. The fact that it came true for you and it might not be for everyone, but you'll be that little piece that keeps them going, keeps them trying, keeps them on the upside of life. I hope so. Yeah. Even if this reaches just one person. That's what I think with everything. Just that little bit of hope.

UNKNOWN: 36:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 36:35

Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, definitely. Sometimes it's from a stranger. Your family will tell you all of these things, but a stranger that's gone through something similar can be the one thing that gets in. Yeah, and I listen to a lot of infertility podcasts when I was going through it, and I've heard many stories like this. I was like, maybe that's going to be my story one day. Maybe it will. Maybe I'm going to get to share that I'm pregnant. Yeah. So... I am doing and that's been amazing oh thank you so much for sharing that it was definitely I felt your ups and your downs as we went through but that was perfect thank you thank you so much for having me no you're welcome and I think that at least one person just one person that's all that matters to make the difference so thank you I hope so thank you so much