Behind Closed Doors - Married to a Man Suffering From Mental Illness: Marliss Brockington's Story - Latter-Day Lights

In this episode, Marliss Brockington shares her heart wrenching story of being married to a man suffering with mental illness, which led to a tumultuous relationship of abuse, and years of painful struggles. 

However, through it all, Marliss was able to hold on to her faith, and find glimmers of light and hope even in the darkest moments.

*** Please SHARE Marliss's story and help us spread hope and light to others. ***

To WATCH this episode on YouTube, visit: https://youtu.be/iLazUvGCxKY

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Also, if you have a faith-promoting or inspiring story, or know someone who does, please let us know by going to https://www.latterdaylights.com and reaching out to us.

Transcript

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Sharing Stories of Faith and Inspiration

Scott Brandley 0:00

Hi , everyone . I'm Scott Brandley .

Alisha Coakley 0:02

And I'm Alisha Coakley . Every member of the church has a story to share , one that can instill faith , invite growth , and inspire others .

Scott Brandley 0:10

On today's episode , we're going to hear how being married to a spouse with mental illness taught one woman the importance of showing up no matter what . Welcome to Saturday Lights . Hey , everyone . Welcome back to another episode of Latter Day Lights . We're so glad you hear with us today . We have a special treat , Marliss Brockington , one of Alisha's oldest friends . So nice to have .

Alisha Coakley 0:44

Most beautiful friends too .

Marliss Brockington 0:47

Thank you .

Alisha Coakley 0:50

I'm serious

Marliss Brockington 0:51

in when I knew you . So I'm have to interview a friend . I know .

Alisha Coakley 0:55

I know . I know . I know . I love it . I can't remember if if you were like a young women's leader or something , but I do remember for short time we were kind of in the singles , like , a very short time together , and then you went off and got married . Wow . And then I just stayed single for a while .

Marliss Brockington 1:10

That's okay . That comes back . It's a long time ago .

Alisha Coakley 1:13

Like I said It was a very long time

Marliss Brockington 1:15

ago . Yeah . It's good to see you then . Oh ,

Alisha Coakley 1:18

goodness . Yes . Yes . It's wonderful . And I'm so excited because , Marliss , you are seriously like one of the most interesting people that I know . You are the only Hula Dancer . You're like a professional . Is that what they call them ? Hula Dans ? Is that what's

Marliss Brockington 1:33

a combination to answer or a combination to a combination to a lesser ? Different Yeah . Yeah . And they say Yeah . And it's age . Beautiful .

Alisha Coakley 1:42

I love it . I love it so much .

Marliss Brockington 1:44

And that's And I know they guys do it with them . So

Alisha Coakley 1:48

I know I see all the pictures . Yeah . Now do you did you teach your kids to do that ? Or I'll do , like , part of a group that does it ?

Marliss Brockington 1:58

Yeah . Well , I , you know , I moved to Florida to I danced at SeaWorld in different places , then use in Orlando , and then I moved down here to Fort Myers . And I you know , when my kids were born , I've said when my girls called , you know , I wanted them to learn . So I kinda started my own little school . Like , I guess , you could call it and then spent Right . For twelve years later . So I have a school and then I have professional group who I dance with and we do lots of shows in the area . You know , like I said , people still let me on stage and that makes me happy .

Alisha Coakley 2:29

I know . It makes me happy too . I just I love watching you on social media and just seeing , like , the beautiful costumes that you're wearing and just I mean , you're so talented , you're so talented , and just gorgeous , and I just love you so much . And so I'm so excited about I don't wanna tell everyone about you . Let's let you tell everyone about you . Wanted to introduce yourself a little bit to our guests .

Marliss Brockington 2:50

Alright . Well , I'm Marliss , and like Alisha said , I live here in Florida . I love it . I've been I grew up originally in San Diego , but I've lived in lots of different places . My family is originally from Hawaii , and I've been a I've been a teacher , an elementary teacher here in Florida for twenty years now , but now I work in adult education , so a little bit different side of occasion . I love it . I have three amazing children . They're all teenagers . Today's my son's fourteen birthdays , my baby . Getting ready to go . I went off to college next year . And I love the beach . I love everything about dancing . Love to eat . So Yeah .

Alisha Coakley 3:33

Nice .

Marliss Brockington 3:33

And I love Costco . I'm a

Alisha Coakley 3:35

fan of eating . Let's see . And yeah . And with Costco , you can eat so much and not feel guilty . You can just go on a Saturday and just , like , eat all of the little stations that they have . I love that .

Marliss Brockington 3:47

I love Costco . Okay .

Alisha Coakley 3:51

Perfect . Yeah . I that was one thing I was super excited about when we did move from Elko , Nevada to Lubbock is we got to be close to a Costco again . And I was like , oh my gosh . My life is complete . Yeah . I was like , I just I need it . I need a temple , an airport , and a Costco go . Those are the things that I need in my life , and I got them all here . So pretty happy .

Scott Brandley 4:10

I I don't have a Costco membership . I have a Sam's Club membership . So Oh ,

Marliss Brockington 4:13

yeah . That'll let us know . That's because you're a part Canadian . I know . I don't I don't venture into Sam's , but that's because I have to That's right . Yeah .

Alisha Coakley 4:25

We're gonna we're gonna get you on the Costco bandwagon , Scott . We're gonna do that . Yeah . We'll transfer you over . It's just so much better . It is . It's just so much better . Sam's is just an elevated Walmart , but Costco is a level all of itself .

Marliss Brockington 4:40

Yeah . You can buy anything there . You can buy caskets there . Believe it or not . Not there , but you can't buy caskets there . Through . Costco .

Alisha Coakley 4:49

I did see and for a very cheap price , it's , like , ten thousand dollars versus , like , fifteen or twenty thousand . So Yeah . That's true story . Well , that's our sponsorship for today . No .

Marliss Brockington 5:00

Hospital wants it . Buy them at bulk . I think

Alisha Coakley 5:08

Goodness . Wow .

Scott Brandley 5:09

Well , Marliss , why don't you share your story with us today ?

Marliss Brockington 5:15

Okay . Well , I am really excited . It's not the word . I do have a story . Everyone has a story and I think sharing it is very therapeutic . It's a story I've had in my mind for a long time and my heart It's interesting because I'm at a friend's house right now who because my house is both kids and craziness and so I needed some quiet .

Married to Mental Illness

Marliss Brockington 5:41

And this is a house that's very near and dear to me because it's this house has been kind of an escape for me . In the last twenty years . And I remember one time staying here with my three kids during a really , really difficult time in my marriage where I needed to get away . And I remember sitting in this house , not just the angst and the the feeling of nausea in your stomach where you don't know you don't know the next step to take . And you've got three little kids who you're in charge of and you and you don't know where to go . You don't know what to do and you want someone there telling you , what do I do in this moment ? And I know there's a lot of people who can relate to me . And so that's why I wanna share the story today . And kind of the title of it is married to mental illness . There could be a lot of different titles to my story . It could be married to someone with cancer . It could be you know , losing your spouse to cancer could be losing your home in a fire . It could be surviving an abusive marriage . But really , what I want the title to be is married to mental illness because that's kind of the root of so many issues . That's the root of a lot of the difficulties that I had in my marriage and not saying that I , you know , I didn't play a part in it . And my husband , as I alluded , he passed away . So he's not here to share his stuff side of the story . And I just want to say first and foremost that , you know , I hope that this this podcast can honor him in a light that he he deserves . But also , And this is my story . This is not anyone else's story . This is not to tell you . This is what you should do if you're ever in this situation . But I think it's definitely something that is not talked about in the world , certainly not in our church . And I felt very alone for many years because I didn't feel like I had anyone who could relate to this . And there's probably so many because we don't talk about it . So a little bit of my story . I I met my husband almost twenty one years ago . At that time , I I had grown up in the church . I had made all the right decisions , I guess , you could say . I went to the Great Hawaii . I went to BYU . I served an amazing mission in Boise , Idaho . I love I love being a member of the church . I love the church . And I loved you know , I had a I I have I had a really strong testimony . What I didn't have a lot of luck with was I guess dating someone who was LDS . And even going to the BYUs , I never had that .

Alisha Coakley 8:35

It's a Florida thing .

Marliss Brockington 8:38

I don't know .

Alisha Coakley 8:39

They're slim pickins . Members of the church .

Marliss Brockington 8:42

Yeah . Yeah . I mean , Florida , but I wasn't living in Florida , and I was living in Utah . And Oh . And lighting , so I never had any luck dating and moved to Texas after to Dallas after I graduated , and you know , I've always been somebody who grew up with a lot of friends and in and out of the church . My , you know , my relationships were not , you know , based on while I have to hang out with you because of this and that . I don't know , but I the moment that I saw my husband , I were saying that's the man I'm gonna marry . Not only because he was a beautiful specimen . I mean , he was

Alisha Coakley 9:26

Yes .

Marliss Brockington 9:26

The most beautiful man that I've ever laid eyes on . Extremely beautiful . But I just said , that's the man I'm gonna marry , which is really stupid . So if anyone's listening , it's really dumb . And what I say about that , why I say that is because my husband and I were completely wrong . Or each other . But you don't always choose who you fall in love with , and he was the first man that I was ever in love with where you experience all those promotions . And the way I said that we were completely wrong for each other . Number one , he was was not LDS . Which kind of should be like , okay . Then I don't go there , but I'm the kind of person like , I'll go down a path and see where it leads me . He's ten years older than me , and we're just very different with lots of different life experiences . Now , when I say that , you know , I was in an abusive marriage , people will say , in those situations , while I met this guy , he was so wonderful in the moment when we got married , he changed . And that wasn't my experience at all . I kind of knew what I was getting myself into . Because things were not things were really not right , and they were they were they should have been red flags to me , but they weren't . They I didn't I I I just was so in love with him that I went down this path . With him . And I was looking to make it work no matter what because I was deeply in love with him . So I compromised on a lot of things and Thankfully , though , the one thing that I didn't have to compromise on was going to church , you know , even though my husband was not LDS , he really liked the church . He he liked what what the kind of person that it made me . So I always no matter what went to church , and that's kinda where we got the tagline today for showing up , and I'm gonna talk about that . So you know , we got married in Florida , moved to Florida , and he followed me there . And , yeah , We went . We had three beautiful children . And during our marriage , we were separated twice And and then he was diagnosed with cancer about nine years into our marriage , and it was a very deadly cancer . It really was given about two to three years . It was multiple myeloma for anyone who's familiar with that . But around cancer , and he was only forty three . And usually people in their sixties and seventies are diagnosed with it , but he fast forward He lived for eleven years . And I think that was because he took place an army ranger , and he had been a fighter his whole life . And he had this mentality of , you know , he could he was strong enough to overcome it . And he did he went through three stem cell two stem cell transplants and a CAR T transplant at Moffett Cancer Center in Tampa . Amazing . And he passed away June twenty fifth after his third transplant and about with really bad about with pneumonia . He never recovered . So It's been a while , but that's his story . And the other story is I was there the whole time on this ride . So again , this could be another another title that so this could be being married as a caregiver . And so I've worn many many hats . So that's that's the that's the surface level . And that's kind of what Alisha thinks she only knew me is that . So what I really wanted to dive in today was the underlying part of that that a lot of people don't know because I didn't I couldn't talk about it a lot . So I did wanna start with the one story . I was sitting in church I was sitting in a church one day at and a woman gave a talk . And this kind of open things up to me to be like , oh my goodness . We need to talk more about this . She was talking about her experience of being married . To a man who suffered a traumatic brain injury . And I was glued to her the entire time because she was so honest about it . She went she talked about how he went from this wonderful loving man to this horrible , terrible spouse because of this brain injury . And her just sharing that , like , being honest about it , like , oh , wait , your husband sucks . Like , right now , like , oh , he treated you this way . Oh , and right now you're actually sharing this , but sharing it in a loving manner . Like

Scott Brandley 14:22

Mhmm .

Marliss Brockington 14:23

It just opened something inside of me , you know , where she and he was sitting right there , you know , where she just was like , this is my experience . With my husband and everyone told me to divorce him and leave him and I'm like , okay , what did you do ? What did you do ? You know , how did you do that ? Because you want when you're in this situation , you wanna guide . So my biggest takeaways for sharing a story is that I want the audience to hear is that this is not , like , some solutions to story . Okay ? And we hear a lot of these talks in conference than we hear . Okay . Somebody went through this . It was really hard . And then they did this and then everything got better .

Strength in Faith After Abusive Marriage

Marliss Brockington 15:05

That is it's such a lie . It's such a lie . It's not how life works . Is getting up every day and showing up . You're gonna hit so many walls every day . And you're gonna try this and you're gonna read the scripture and then you're gonna pray , but it's not going to make everything magically better forever . Okay ? You have to keep showing up . And one of my biggest things was I learned to go through emotions . And that's another it's another takeaway I want people to take from this . I learned that I had to go through the motions sometimes even when I wasn't feeling it , I had to do it , whether it was in my relationship , whether it was as a mom , whether it was as a church member . And then the last thing takeaway I want people to take from this is that Not only did this experience strengthen my testimony of the gospel , which I've always had , but it strengthened my testimony of the church . Okay ? And I know that we're all in different places . And I'm at a point in my life where where I can say , You know what ? I don't agree I don't agree with this . I don't like that this happened , but I'm okay with that because this church where I'm at , this is where I wanna be . I don't wanna be anywhere else . I love that our church the way it's set up . I love that we have opportunities to serve . I love that we're a family . And do I like everyone when I go there ? No ? Do I like everything that people say ? No . But I like to kinda tell them what sometimes , like , No . That's not right . Or not tell them off , but call them out . Like , I don't agree with that . And it's okay . And it's okay . But That's kind of where I'm at in my journey with a church . I don't ever wanna give it up , but I don't want them to ever give up on me . I stay there . Mhmm . So diving a little bit through this , into this a little bit deeper . The first five years of my marriage , you would have said she's in an abusive marriage . Okay ? My husband was extremely , verbally abusive . Very emotionally abusive , sometimes physically abusive . And so that's all I had three kids . And on top of that , he compounded it with his choices to drink alcohol . Even caffeine set him off .

Alisha Coakley 17:32

Wow .

Marliss Brockington 17:33

And he was never that way towards our kids thankfully , but I remember just and and then he wasn't working . He he went through a really dark time in his life , and he would tell you this , where he , you know , he moved he moved to Florida . Yeah . A really hard time getting a job . And this is very very common of people who have mental illness . Is it very hard for them to work for anyone else besides some some ? And I learned that . And and some of the things that I went through with him , you know , anytime there was a big event , like people were coming to our house or we were supposed to go somewhere , he would start a huge fight with me and not just a fight like Oh , you didn't do the dishes . No . These were vicious attacks about my character and the kind of person I was . And I had to listen to , like , all these horrible things about myself . And I finally realized he would start this right before we were gonna go to my surprise birthday party that he was like , well , I never thrown you at surprise birthday party and , like , I'm sitting there , balling my eyes out and have to go to this party or right before people show up for Thanksgiving or right before we're supposed to go to the phantom of the opera or somewhere . And I'm and the anxiety and the stress that it puts on you as a person is so terrible . But what I eventually learned was that , you know , my husband had stream of social anxiety , like , paralyzing social anxiety of what people were gonna think of him or what people were gonna say about him . And so he neared that and pushed it all on me where this is your fault . You're the reason I don't want people to come over because you're not a good wife . You don't you you don't say the right things . You don't do the right things . You don't cook the right things . You don't buy the right things for our house . That all was pushed on me . And that is it's a terrible place to be . Mhmm . And like I said , it was really calm . And so how did he deal with that ? He went out and started drinking . You know ? He loved his emotions . And that compounded everything . So that eventually led to like several arrests It just his life just went down . And I'm there on the outskirts , having babies , working , supporting us , trying to put up this front while all of this mess is going on . Like , my life was a nightmare . And I can say that . And I say a nightmare because when you are when you're married to somebody with this kind of mental illness , you have no stability in your life . You have no idea what it's like to be able to go home from church on a Sunday and just relax . No . Because every time you go home , you're thinking , what's gonna be on the other side of that door ? What's his mood ? What is he gonna be say because there were times I would come home so happy , and I could just tell , like , he had this dark presence , and he'd been doing about something that I had said five years ago . What did you mean when you said this to me five years ago ? And so you are ever , anytime my phone would ring , what's what's his mood gonna be ? I don't know how to answer it , you know . So there's a constant fear . And and you go to places like the grocery store , you work with people , and their biggest worry is my son got to be or what should I wear ? What should I buy today ? Or my husband works too much . And when I would hear this , I would just be like , you have no idea how you have no idea . Just I'd be at the grocery store and , like , complete sat like , I don't know . Like , my husband just cursed me off for an hour because I bought the wrong pickles . And here I have got it back and I'm walking to the grocery store just and I have my kids with me who I have to keep happy and pretend like , you know , this isn't happening . It's such a weight that you carry with yourself . But of course , when you're married to someone mental illness , this is not how it is all the time . There are so many ebbs and flows , and I can't diagnose my husband . I don't think he was bipolar . But he definitely had personality disorders . And the more I got to know him , the more I knew that this really stemmed from a very traumatic childhood , a childhood where he had a mother who was a drug addict and alcoholic . He's he was horribly abused . So he grew up with this image of himself , like , I'm not good enough . And he also grew up with an image about women . He really hated women . And anytime that he saw his mom and me , which if you know me , I'm nothing like that , but it's like he was seeing his mom . And there were times when I see his eyes changed , and it was like I was talking to a different person . Mhmm . But when he was good , He was wonderful , you know . He was a wonderful person . He's the reason I fell in love with him . He had such a good heart he was willing to help anyone And so he had so many demons , and then that probably was compounded by he was a football player running back professionally , and he probably has so much brain and traumatic , you know , injury with his brain concussions . So he dealt with a lot . And there were times that I , you know , and that's why I had to escape sometimes because things were not safe at home . And I would have to get my kids in the car . Sometimes he would take the battery out of my car and I couldn't use it . So I'd have to already take my phone and I'd have to call someone to go to neighbor's house . Can you please pick me up ? I need to get out of here right now . There were times I stayed in women's shelters because I was so embarrassed to tell people , you know , what was going on . I mean , I didn't have any family here . So and it's not something you wanna tell your family because you want you want things to get better . You won't want them to see your husband like that because you want things to get better and you're holding on to that time when things are gonna go back to the good times I'm holding on for that . And then you think when times are so good , it's never gonna go back . But I finally had the courage and I really I just didn't think I was strong enough to ever leave him . I was really afraid of him . But I finally had the courage to to leave and it it was because I had to call the police . It was only one time I had to call the police because he'd often tell me You ever call the cops on you , like , I'm gonna kill you . And you believe those things . You know , you believe them with all of your heart . Like , you you believe them . And and but I had the courage because of a really a bishop who I confided in and gave me the confidence to say to tell me you have to call the police . Mhmm . And So I did . And , you know , he spent some time in jail so that give me the courage to , like , both strap , okay , I'm gonna move out . I didn't ever have the courage to divorce him , which is another probably a whole other story I could tell . Mhmm . But I remember we were separated for probably about a year , and we ended up trying to get back together because things got so good , and I'm gonna tell you why things got good in a moment . So we try getting back together and we tried for a year and I had another baby . And , you know , he still wasn't he wasn't working because he'd had he had busted out his knee and couldn't , you know , sick and hurt . And then we reunited for a very short time . And I remember during this time , I was praying on my knees every day . Please deliver me from this . I had this one scripture sure in Mosiah twenty nine , and it's just I clung to the scripture . It was , like , talking about how the the people were delivered from bondage , and I felt that that was what my marriage was . I felt that I was in such bondage . And I didn't know how to get out of it . I had no idea . I I didn't know what to do . I was so afraid of what would happen if I tried to leave . I I I just had all these thoughts in my mind . He's I don't wanna I don't want my life to end . I wanna be here for my kids . I don't know what he's capable of . You just don't know . And I clung to the scripture , and I remember praying so hard like , please deliver me . I am humbling myself and repenting . Whatever it is you need me to do , police and the next day , He broke his back in the shower , and we found out that he had this this cancer . Multiple myeloma , and I remember thinking , this is my deliverance . He's going to die , and I'm going to be delivered . It's a terrible thought , you know . But but that's like you're like , this is the only way out . And have my father , like , thank you . I don't know . I I I there's so many judgments people can have in me , but

Alisha Coakley 27:45

I I just I'm gonna borrow you for just a second . First of all , I am , like , having such a hard time because I had no idea and I feel so selfish for not having ever seen that . You really did it so well . You hit it so well . But But please don't feel bad about that thought because there was a time in my own marriage too where it was just so hard . We would just everything was going wrong and we we too were on the verge of divorce and because I didn't even see how divorce was gonna fix our problems . Like , I didn't he was never abusive . My husband was never abusive or anything like that . But I always worried about , like , the kids' spiritual well-being and

Marliss Brockington 28:26

Mhmm .

Alisha Coakley 28:27

Like , it really is such an emotional physical strain that that takes over everything in your life and in your mind and in your heart . And for you to to have hidden this , and not had someone to lean on and not have some and and I'm glad that you did confide in your bishop because at least that gave you a little something , but it's still you know , it it didn't fix all of your problems . And so I just wanna , like , say thank you for a minute because I know that there's some women out there that are listening to this who are finally gonna be like , it wasn't just me ?

Scott Brandley 29:05

I was gonna say , well , in your case , Alisha , there was almost a miracle that happened . Right ? With your old is intervening and helping him . But on your side , Marliss , did he ever did you ever talk to him about going to counseling ? Was Was there ever anything on his side where he tried to

Marliss Brockington 29:24

improve ? Gosh . So we tried marriage counseling , which was a complete joke . You can't I don't wanna say joke because it was not on the part of the counselor

Mental Illness and Relationship Impact

Marliss Brockington 29:40

. But when you're dealing with somebody with mental illness and someone who is completely can be completely irrational . Everything that comes up in a counseling session is kind of taken as an attack and when he felt attacked , he would , you know , he would give it right back , like , a hundredfold So it was not it was not successful , but this is what really saved us . I guess , saved as I I said that we had reunited briefly because he had blown out his knee and an injury . And so he was able to get , you know , the the medication he needed , but they the doctor also prescribed him , like , an antidepressant . Okay . So it was his first time taking this . And when I say it changed him , it completely changed him . He became somebody who was rational . He became someone who I could depend on . He became someone where I could have expectations of . And I say that , like , those should be things that are in every marriage . Right ? But when you're dealing with someone with mental illness , You can't have any expectations of them . None , if you're going to survive in that marriage . Let me say that . So when he started taking that , it was almost like , oh my goodness . This is the person that he always says . So that's why I reunited , but then like a lot of people with issues , they stopped taking it . Right ? They think Oh , I'm good . I don't need to take it . And this is this Right . You know , my husband was this , you know , ex athlete Superman , you know ? Yes . Like , I don't need medicine . Right ? That's what a lot of people would say . But So when he and I remember after he was diagnosed with a cancer , they put him on this really terrible . I will say it was steroids . You know , you have to go on steroids .

Scott Brandley 31:54

Right .

Marliss Brockington 31:55

And if you give that to someone who already has major testosterone and major .

Alisha Coakley 32:01

Right ?

Marliss Brockington 32:03

I I had to call the doctor after that weekend and say , like , it's not safe for me to be living with him . It's not safe because , well , someone on steroids in that situation , like , you think the incredible health , that's what you're getting .

Alisha Coakley 32:17

Right ? Right ?

Marliss Brockington 32:18

That's what you're getting . You know , when you end and when you live in those in in a marriage like that , You learn a lot of tricks . You learn to go to bed with clothes on that you you have to leave the house quickly . You go to bed , you have an emergency pack in the back of your car with stuff that you need and your kids need , so you're not locked to the out of the house with no shoes . You learn to sleep with your car keys in here and and and a wallet or money ? And you learn if there's ever a fight you stand by the door in case you have to leave quickly because it could get really bad . And that's the all of that was going on . That entire weekend that he was on those steroids . So I remember going back to the doctor and I said , listen , I Like , this is not safe for me . It's not safe for me because so they were they end up , they said , oh , we forgot to give him this medicine . That kinda like , lessens the effect of the steroids . Mhmm . And I was like , okay . So he was able to get on another each hook Sertrally , if anyone wants to know , you took sertrally . So it's like the magic pill , and I don't care what anyone is . Opinion on medicine is it changed my husband completely Mhmm . And it changed my life . So the biggest thing that I want people to know is if you struggle with mental illness , you don't just owe it to yourself . You owe it to the people who love you to take that medicine .

Alisha Coakley 33:54

Yeah .

Marliss Brockington 33:55

And I say that so seriously because they're the ones who have to deal with you . And it's not fair to them . I don't I don't I don't wanna get into all anything , you know , whatever . But this changed my life . And so when he would not take his medication , like my kids even got to the age where they're like , daddy . Take your medicine . Like , we all know you're not taking it . I mean , sometimes I would leave it on as bad . Sometimes I would leave it . At first , I was , like , really , like , Did you take did you take it ? And then I just started throwing it at throwing it at them . You wanna talk to me like that ? Here you go . And so I will say this . And and this is not for anyone else , like , this is my journey . You know that along the way of him having cancer , Like , we we lost our house in the fire . Okay ? Yeah . That also changed him too because he saw so many people show up for us Mhmm . And it really humbled him . It was really actually really something that actually could have been a very stressful thing turn into a really beautiful thing . Mhmm . And and that was all the Lord . That's what he does . Right ? He changes things that we don't know how we're gonna get through like you said , Alisha , he can put his hands on things and make us so much better than we ever imagined . Mhmm . And that's what he did with my life , My husband he he changed because not only did he give up the drinking , you had to because of a cancer you wanted to eventually . But along that route , like , there were still really really bad times . There were times when I I was still scared of him , but I remember the more he stopped drinking , the more he took his medicine , the more he was humbled , the less I became afraid . And when you remove that factor of fear that changes your life , it's so hard to live in a fear , in a state of fear . It's so hard to feel the holy ghost . It's so hard to feel like you can expect anything good from Emily's father . But Because he lived so long after that , after he was diagnosis , it gave him an opportunity because I would often say , why is he still alive ? Why do I have to keep putting up with this ? Why ? Like , when is it my turn to be happy ? Because we have gone through so much instability , I knew that I did not wanna give my kids instability . I didn't wanna add to that . I needed to give them as much stability as possible . And a lot of people will say , you know , you have to show it for you . You have to do things for you . And I I had to say to myself , this is not my time right now . It's not it's my kid's time . And if I stay married to him , someone told me this once they're like , if you stay married to him and he dies . He dies a hero to your kids . If you divorce him , and whatever that brings , then him dying , you know , it's not gonna be the same thing . And I don't know if that's that's true or not . And that's not my that's not for me to say stay in a marriage or you're miserable . This is just my story . I wanted my kids to have as much stability as possible . Mhmm . So I stayed . I stayed . I went through all of the all of everything was him medically even when he was telling me it was the worst wife and and , you know , he could have so many other people show up for him that would take care of him better . And I got to the point where I didn't fear him anymore . And I was like , go find someone . Go find someone off the street to take care of you . You know ? And I'm not I'm not gonna sit here and listen to this . You can stay in the hospital with the nurses , and I'm gonna get a hotel . Like , I'm not I'm not gonna listen to this anymore . But because I stayed on that journey with him and he changed and I changed he got to be the best version of himself . And I got to be the best version of myself . And we got to have the best version of our mirrors that we could possibly have . And my kids got to see the best version of their dad . And so they have wonderful memories of him . You know , sure my oldest remembers how he used to have to sneak out of the window at night when daddy came home drunk . We have to drive around for hours or go sit in the parking lot of the the best place to sit if you ever have to stay in your car . Believe it or not , because there's lots of people there at safe and there's a bathroom . I hate that I know that , but those are the things my kids have to go through when they were little . You know , like how we gotta go to Walmart in the morning and buy you close to go to school or I have to help you with a school project while we're staying at the shelter and you know , I don't have anything to make for your school project . Those are the memories they had when they were little , but because we stuck it out , because he was willing to take medication . Mhmm . Because I didn't give up on what I need to be true . And I know I'm not talking a lot about the church throughout this , and I'll get to that . But I don't want it .

Alisha Coakley 39:28

Animal intertwined .

Marliss Brockington 39:29

But it energized because not once did I stop going to church Mhmm . Not once did I stop praying with my kids ? We pray it every night together as a family . You know , not once that I say , I never blamed God . I I feel honestly that heavenly father does not own me anything . He gave us our son already , and I didn't have a victim mentality . That's huge .

Alisha Coakley 39:57

Yeah .

Marliss Brockington 39:57

I didn't play the victim . I knew what my role was and I , you know , showed up reading my scriptures even when I was , like , you know , I just concur that for five hours or whatever it is . Even though things were terrible , and I don't know how to pay the bills . And I've been you know , everything that comes along with being a teacher , working five million jobs and trying to pay on bills , while your husband is sick and your kids have to go to school and oh , now you have to go to because this , you know , it's just but it it all it inter tweets . And and and also having my colleagues and Maybe some people would say it's too much and you did this , but being able to show up for other people , and I was blessed with a job as a teacher , as an elementary teacher where I couldn't sit behind a desk and and think about me as well on all the things I'm going through . I had to show up for them , and I had to it it gave me a chance to forget about myself . And although people might say , you have to focus on you and focus on you , you know , for me that didn't work . It helped for me to be able to think about other people , and I really believe that you know , when you lose your life , you find it or you just survive it . You survive . You endure . You know , doer . And that's what a lot of my journey has had to be . So and I'm so grateful I'm so grateful for the church . I'm so grateful for good friends who was able to confide in and help me along the way . Mhmm .

Alisha Coakley 41:35

You know , we had a brand in Nebraska . Yeah . A big brand .

Compassion and Endurance Through Suffering

Alisha Coakley 41:40

We had a guest on Karen Winslow , just a little bit ago . And he he works with sex offenders , like the worst of the worst . Like , the ones who they went to jail , and they'd had multiple abuses and things like that that have happened . And he offered this perspective that was just like , it just sink into my heart . And I couldn't help but kinda think about that with with your husband . And he said , you know , in a week , he might see one client , right , who this first client was massively abused when he was a kid and he was neglected and his parents did drugs and , you know , just I mean , like like , he would have broken bones and , you know , just the worst of the worst . Like , this poor little kid And then , you know , later on , he might see another client . And this other client did , you know , had to explain to him , like , all of the things in detail , like , what he because he had to take ownership . And so he talks about the most horrendous , you know , offenses against children and and and the thoughts that he had and the feelings that he had when he was , you know , performing those horrible acts . And then he sees another client and this other client He said , is is someone who truly believes that he's possessed with demons because he's got multiple personality disorder or or bipolar or manic depressive or something . You know , he's he has , like , schizophrenia . Things things that are like a very sincere horrible mental illness . And he said , you know , of of those three , who do you have the most compassion for , that kid that was abused , the horrible sex offender , or the person who's struggling with this massive mental illness . And he said , you can't have compassion for one without having compassion for all three of them because they're all the same person . It's all the same person . And I thought , oh my gosh , we just don't know . We just don't know . Like , it is so easy for us to look at one little part of a person and to say they're a good person or they're a bad person . You know ? But in your story , and I know just through some of my own experiences with family members and stuff too , there's so many layers to us , good and bad . And so the worst person can also be one of the best people and that person has people who love them . And when you put love into the mix , it is so hard , like you said , to just walk away because of the bad because there's not just all bad . The bad is really bad . But there's not always just all bad . And I think that the fact that you are willing to continue to show up , to serve in your colleagues , I'm so grateful that for me personally , like , that I've I've had the opportunity to serve and I'm always I'm always that person that's asking to do more . Like , I I I'm like , let's let me throw the Christmas party and , you know , like , let me do this and it's

Marliss Brockington 44:45

that way too .

Alisha Coakley 44:46

Right ? Like , It's like when you when you grow up in those environments or when you're in those kinds of marriages , you're seeking for good . And so someone on the outside might be like , oh , they've got too much on their plate . I don't want to give them more . But the way that I always looked at it was please give me more because I need more good . And I know that serving can give me more good . It can give me more opportunities to feel experience to be around the people who are going through their own demons . And maybe there aren't as bad as mine , but they're they might feel as bad as mine to that person . You know , maybe that's all that person can handle . And so if I can be there to show up and to help out and and to give a talk or to to do some ministering or to throw up Christmas party . Like , whatever it is , it it helped me to get through my bad . And it sounds like , in some way , helped you to get through yours . It gave you it gave you that that balance and that scale so that you could you could see the good that heavenly father had for your life and for your children's lives and even for your husband too . And Yep . You know , I think that's just it it takes a very eternal perspective . To to endure in suffering and to do it in a way where you can still see the light of Christ shine through you . And that's for me , that's something I always saw on you . Every time I saw you , I just thought , Marliss' clothes . She she just clothes . You have so much inner and outer beauty and and your love of the gospel . It was it was never like , I never question I just always knew you had such a strong testimony . And knowing that there was so much more to your story than even I knew about , you know , I I really am , like , so inspired by you . I just think that you are such an amazing person and so proud of you for what you

Marliss Brockington 46:55

went through

Alisha Coakley 46:55

and but you gave your kids and for what you gave your husband . And I'm sure that , you know , now that he's past and he doesn't have that mental health that he has to struggle with . I'm sure that I believe very strongly that one day he will be thanking you too , and he will

Marliss Brockington 47:16

He better think . Me .

Alisha Coakley 47:17

He's really old . He will appreciate it in such a bigger scale and and I think that you'll be able to to have that you know , that

Marliss Brockington 47:26

I think so and everything . So And I and I and he he would he would tell me that , you know , in his own way , people will say , did the other apologize to you , like , on his deathbed . And , you know , he would tell me that , you know , if I hadn't stayed in his life , he would have passed him , he would have died . You know , I had you know , I was a caregiver to a man who to a man I don't know if he's a man , but They don't want it . They don't wanna go to the hospital . They want it to the doctors , and I had to stay with him oftentimes and I had to stay with him there because he wouldn't stay . He thanked me for that . And and there were times when he would call the kids together and say , you know what ? I'm sorry for the way I spoke to mom . I mean , you have to remember he he was in constant pain . Mhmm . It's in constant pain .

Alisha Coakley 48:19

Yeah .

Marliss Brockington 48:19

And it's and , of course , we we take it out on somebody . There's other things that he's gonna have to say sorry about to to me . But you're right . I when I spoke at his funeral , it was it was difficult for me because there were people who only knew the side of him .

Alisha Coakley 48:39

Yeah .

Marliss Brockington 48:39

It wasn't a great side . And then I had family members who didn't come because they don't wanna honor him , you know . But Mhmm . The family members that got to that stayed with him and got to see kind of a transformation in him . You know , they got to enjoy the best side of him as as I did . And so I had to kinda , like , bridge those . I didn't want it to be , like , some this , you know , something that wasn't authentic . And I just remember saying , you know , I would pray that my father would help me to see him the way he saw him . Because I knew he had so much love for this this man . I saw him as a little boy . I saw him as the things he had to go through . It's not an excuse . It should never be an excuse for the late trade . When you know better , you do better . Mhmm . And and you should . And I I don't wanna make that excuse for anyone who's maybe going through this a marriage like this . Like , sometimes you just you're just , like , forget that . Like , I don't deserve this . I don't deserve such of it . And and you should be with someone who gives you what you deserve . Is that always gonna be the case ? No . You know , for anyone who have been married , it's not . But it's it's my story and and And why I I remember my daughter . Well , my daughter just asked me the other day , like , why did you stay with daddy ? You know ? You know , I've had a lot of reasons while I didn't want you guys to have to take care of him if I wasn't there , like someone had to be with him . Twenty four seven at times . There was no one else . He didn't have much family that was in his life . And you know , or , you know , I wanted things to be stable for you guys , but I remember thinking later , I can tell her I went back and told my daughter , and I said , you know , I really loved your dad . And I know he loved me , the best way he knew how . Yeah . I really believe that . And And so no matter what we put each other through , we really did love each other . You know , we had a chemistry that that , you know , is and I'm not just saying , like , you know , a chemistry , like , you know , like , when you first married this up , but , like , we had it . There's a reason why we why we stayed together . And I'm grateful that I could experience that even with all the pain and suffering that we went through . So

Scott Brandley 51:22

Well , Marla , you are an amazing person

Alisha Coakley 51:25

Yeah .

Scott Brandley 51:26

To be able to go through all that and it'd still be you . Right ?

Alisha Coakley 51:30

Yeah . I am .

Scott Brandley 51:32

I was gonna ask you so for people that are in situations like this , like , what advice would you give them ?

Marliss Brockington 51:43

People who are in situations with this , they they want somebody to hold their hand and say , what do I do next ? Because I don't wanna get out of this . That's when I need it . How do I get from here ? To hear , and it seems like this huge gap .

Building a New Life After Abuse

Marliss Brockington 52:00

I mean , number one , I would say , you have to make sure you have people you can confide in . Forget , like , oh , this is my marriage , and I have to be true to my spouse to forget that . You have to ask someone who can combine in . And I had a really big motto , and it was doing it afraid you have to take steps even if you're super afraid , like , okay . I mean , it got up . I can be in control of this , so I'm gonna I'm gonna do this today . I I'm in control . I can call my friend and say , I need to come stay with you for a little bit , or I can call my family and say , I need to come stay I I need I need to step outside of this . And I mean , certainly , if you're in a situation where things are not safe for you . You have to make a plan to get you and your kids to a safe place . And and and , you know , that there's a lot of resources out there for for people in this situation . I I don't know if the church I'm not gonna say start with the church . It doesn't it I don't know I I don't know what the resources are like in their area , but there are a lot of resources for for , I say , women , men too . There's a lot of resources out there . I would Google constantly like this , and I never really found what I needed . But I will say , you know , if you don't have anyone to talk to , you can reach out to me because I am a very good listener and And I guess we could say I'm on the other side now , which is unreal to me . Mhmm . That my life is I mean , I can go home and I'm safe all the time .

Alisha Coakley 54:03

I can Mhmm . I don't

Marliss Brockington 54:05

I can nobody's calling me and I don't have that anxiety . It's there's nothing like it . There's nothing . And if you have that in your life , it's so great if you're married to someone who they get on your nerves because they don't do this or they don't do that , just be so grateful that you're married to someone who makes you feel safe . You don't you don't even know what that kind of blessing is .

Alisha Coakley 54:32

Yeah . Do you feel like now that you're you're here ? Do you feel like that deliverance has really occurred , you know , or , I mean , can you still it's hard because he he passed away less than a year ago . Right ?

Marliss Brockington 54:51

A little over a year ago . A little over a

Alisha Coakley 54:53

little over a year ago . Yeah . Mhmm . And so I know for the grief process , that's not done . Right ? It's it's something that

Marliss Brockington 55:03

you're saying

Alisha Coakley 55:03

to go through for a little while . And and but do you do you feel like you have a little more of that that deliverance from the bondage that you had talked about ? You know , do you

Marliss Brockington 55:15

Well , I'm not physically in any harm , but if you've ever been in if you've ever been verbally or emotionally abused , you carry those words with you forever . And so , you know , as I'm , like , navigating this new life , you know , I'm you have all those you have all those things that they've sent to you on the back of your mind . I'm never gonna good enough . No one's ever gonna want you . No you know , unfortunately , you have them . Even though you know they're not true , they're there . And And I encourage anyone to work with a mental health specialist for that . I I'm trying to do that right now for myself because I know that I need that . I need I need some finding , like , a major therapy . But you know , I am . I feel like yeah . I feel I feel free from that .

Scott Brandley 56:12

Mhmm .

Marliss Brockington 56:13

And I have those feelings too when I was married , but it was always in the back of my mind . Is this is he gonna show up like this , you know ? But now , And I feel so much more in control of my life . Like , I could make any decision I want . I get to choose . I get to choose who's in my life . Than who's not in my life because I don't wanna I don't want these things in my life anymore , and I'm never going to allow them to be in my life . And I'm navigating . You know , I'm not you know , I'm navigating as this whole new thing . And and I I have some things I I have to I have to work through and work on . And but like I said in the beginning , it's not just a I did this . So now my life is this . It's ignoring constant . There are constant walls being thrown thrown up to us . But I will say , I saw a quote recently and I said , because of the storms I went through , the Ranger the redempts feel like nothing . And that is true in my life . It's It's in fact , I have it . It's it's I can say it better , but it has some weird anime person on it . Sorry . But that was a very weird looking meme , but it so , you know , this girl walking through that , and I mean , I can't Oh , I survived too many storms to be bothered by raindrops . And

Alisha Coakley 57:36

Yeah .

Marliss Brockington 57:36

I love that . Feel like You know what ? The worst has already happened to me . I don't say that because there could be worse things coming up . But Mhmm . I got through it . And I know I can get through anything Mhmm . Because I have the Lord , and I will say that for myself . I know the lord is on my side . No matter what , no matter if I'm making bad choices , no matter if you know , this happens or what I'm dealing with . He's on my side . Mhmm . So grateful for that knowledge . You know , there's it's priceless to

Alisha Coakley 58:10

me . Yeah . And Scott , I feel good knowing you have completely survived and come out on the other side , one hundred percent of your worst days . You have an a plus . You're great . You know what I mean ? Like you're really , really young . So , wow . Marliss , I just I love you so much , and I'm so grateful to you for coming on here and for being so vulnerable and and opening up and sharing about everything that you've gone through . You're your story I know and your perspective is definitely going to help a lot of people . I like , I just I feel it in my bones . I just know that

Marliss Brockington 58:51

I hope so . I'm hoping to write a book . I'm hoping to write a book . It's one day . So I know

Alisha Coakley 58:57

a girl that helps people have a look . I can help you

Marliss Brockington 59:01

out . But

Alisha Coakley 59:03

Yeah . I think that would be wonderful . I think that would be amazing . And and I'm really excited to see what this you know , this next part of your life it's gonna look like for you and Yeah . How it's gonna just bring so much beauty . I I have always believed that heavenly father has to balance the scales . He says , in all things , there must needs to be an opposition , and I think that's good and bad . So if you had a whole bunch of bad . There has to be opposition to that bad , which means there's a whole bunch of good that's coming . A

Marliss Brockington 59:32

whole bunch of good . I hope so . But I don't meet with that expectation . I I Maybe not here .

Alisha Coakley 59:39

But I will come .

Marliss Brockington 59:40

But I really hope so because we Yeah . Yeah . I hope so .

Alisha Coakley 59:44

Yeah . Yeah . Yeah . Well , I'll live with that . I'll live with the expectation for you .

Marliss Brockington 59:49

Thank you .

Alisha Coakley 59:52

I'll do that . Oh , goodness . Well , well , are there any last thoughts that you'd like to share with our listeners before we go ?

Marliss Brockington 1:00:01

I hope phone lessons to it or one . And , I mean , I'm sure they listen to you guys . I know they do . Just thanks for having me on . Thanks for letting me share my story and , you know , our stories matter . The world needs our stories even if it's just people next to us in church . Need our stories . They need to know how we survived and how we gather things . So

Alisha Coakley 1:00:24

Absolutely .

Marliss Brockington 1:00:25

Your stories , Alisha , you know , they helped me . There are a lot of things actually . I think they really have . And you don't know that , but , you know , they have . So thank you for sharing your stories .

Alisha Coakley 1:00:38

I love it . That's I'm so glad I feel I I was it was feeling really heavy there for a while . I just felt awful , and I feel so light right now just at the end of this episode . And so I thank you for that . I really appreciate that .

Marliss Brockington 1:00:54

Okay . It's great to meet you , Scott .

Scott Brandley 1:00:57

Yeah . You too . Well , and thank you everyone for watching this . Hopefully , you've got some really good information and insight . And please share Marliss' story this is obviously something that a lot of people deal with in secret . So if we can get this out to more people , you know , hopefully , we can do some good out there .

Marliss Brockington 1:01:21

Mhmm . Yeah . Absolutely . Absolutely . It helps one person who's struggling and I won't be so happy .

Alisha Coakley 1:01:29

Yeah . And and like Marla said , I just wanna put this disclaimer in this reminder out to listeners . She was just sharing her story . She She was not telling you to stay in an abusive marriage or to leave an abusive marriage . It is definitely something that that you need to make the decisions that are right for you and for your family time . So if you are going through that , I think all three of us agree , definitely reach out for help . Reach out for help . Don't suffer in silence . Make sure that you go talk to somebody , whether it's in the church or outside of the church , whether it's in your family or outside of your family , go talk to somebody you know , and and lock arms together with someone else who can help walk you through whatever path you choose to walk through . You know , I I do know that heavenly father can work everything to our good . I completely believe that with all of my heart , and I know that we can all help each other to see the good in every situation , but it doesn't mean we need to stay in a situation just to look for that So use the spirit , use the resources of professionals and of other people's experiences , and of those who love you and who want what's best for you and just know that if you are in a situation where you are feeling unsafe or feeling unloved or you feel like it's too big . Nothing is too big for your heavenly father . He can truly work it out for you . And he can do it in the most unique ways , ways that we can't even create ourselves . And just know that he is there for you , and we're here for you . And you have a whole port system that maybe you don't even realize that would be there for you too . So be sure to open up and to to share what it is that you're going through with somebody else so that that you can have more of those resources to to find that joy and to find that safety and that peace in your life . Okay . Sorry . And if you guys have a story to share please reach out to us . We would we would love to hear it . We would love to , you know , gain more insight and perspective . And I think that and sharing our story , it gives us more strength and it gives us a a more eternal perspective . So don't be shy . Reach out to us . You can email us at latradylight at gmail dot com or you can go to our website , laddertilates dot com , and there is a form at the bottom of the page that you can fill out

Celebrating Impactful Contributions

Alisha Coakley 1:04:01

. And please leave a comment from our list I'm sure that it would mean the work

Marliss Brockington 1:04:07

of her .

Alisha Coakley 1:04:07

Very awesome . To hear that she didn't just babble her nose . For nobody listening . But , you know , she really really did make a difference and she's continuing to make a difference . So hit that share button , leave a comment . We would love to hear from you guys . And until next week , we hope that everyone has a beautiful , beautiful weekend that you guys are full of strength and perseverance and endurance and love and light and all of the good things .

Scott Brandley 1:04:35

Amen . Anything else ? No . Thank you again , Marliss . And we will talk to you guys next week . Take care .

Alisha Coakley 1:04:47

Alright . Okay .

Marliss Brockington 1:04:48

Bye , guys .