Ep. 103 - From Panic Attacks to Profit: How a Burnt-Out Lawyer Built a $300K Business on Cash

Ever wonder what happens when a criminal defense attorney hits rock bottom at the peak of her career? Buckle up, because Amber Fuhriman's story is about to shatter everything you thought you knew about success, trauma, and the real path to fulfillment.

Picture this: Six-figure salary, law degree, respect in the courtroom - the whole package. But instead of feeling on top of the world, Amber's battling panic attacks and questioning everything. Why? Because chasing external success to fill internal voids is like trying to fill a black hole with confetti - it just doesn't work.

But here's where it gets juicy. Amber doesn't just survive her crash - she uses it as a launchpad to completely reinvent herself and her definition of success. We're talking about transforming from a burnt-out attorney to a badass business coach who's not afraid to call bullshit on the toxic hustle culture.

Get ready for some hard truths:

• Success without self-worth is just a shiny cage
• Your childhood money trauma is probably sabotaging your business (yeah, we're going there)
• "Humility" might be the dirtiest word in personal development (mind blown yet?)

Amber's dropping wisdom bombs left and right, from how to build a 300k law firm with no credit and pure grit, to why your "villain" might just be the key to your personal growth. And don't even get me started on her take on the lie that "if you build it, they will come" - spoiler alert: they won't.

Whether you're a struggling entrepreneur, a high-achiever feeling empty inside, or just someone trying to figure out how to actually love the life you're building, this episode is your wake-up call.

Want more of Amber's no-bullshit advice? Check her out: Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/afuhriman82 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/amberraefuhriman/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/amberraefuhriman/ Website: https://successdevelopmentsolutions.com/

Don't just listen - engage. Hit us up with your thoughts, your struggles, your a-ha moments. Let's build a community of badasses who aren't afraid to do the inner work while crushing it in the outer world. Now go out there and start redefining success on your own terms - Amber's cheering you on, and she's not taking any excuses.

As always we ask you to comment, DM, whatever it takes to have a conversation to help you take the next step in your journey, reach out on any platform!

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DISCLOSURE: Awards and rankings by third parties are not indicative of future performance or client investment success. Past performance does not guarantee future results. All investment strategies carry profit/loss potential and cannot eliminate investment risks. Information discussed may not reflect current positions/recommendations. While believed accurate, Black Mammoth does not guarantee information accuracy. This broadcast is not a solicitation for securities transactions or personalized investment advice. Tax/estate planning information is general - consult professionals for specific situations. Full disclosures at www.blackmammoth.com.

Chapters

• 0:56 Amber's Journey into Law
• 2:59 The Reality of Achieving Success
• 5:30 Money Mindset and Trauma
• 10:53 Starting a Business: The Realities
• 14:05 The Decision to Open a Law Firm
• 20:20 Starting a Business with Limited Resources
• 27:16 The Power of Self-Belief and Inner Work
• 31:54 Redefining Humility and Self-Worth
• 37:33 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 0:07

It's not often we get other attorneys. We've had a couple on before, and I love bringing them on for a few reasons. One, their brains work a little differently than all of ours. But two, they always bring in some insight that we can always use. Furthermore, Amber Furman, also a podcast author, all those fun things that we're going to dive into, but ultimately also a business owner, right? And that's what we're all here for. So without further ado, Amber, why don't you talk to us a little bit about your background and what your day to day life

Amber Fuhriman: 0:37

is. Thanks so much for having me on. I'm so excited to be here. And I think this is the first time that I've ever heard somebody talk about. The way an attorney's brain works differently in a positive note, because normally we're just getting yelled at. I'm so happy to be here as far as my background. Is that what you asked? I'm so sorry. Attorney brains don't listen.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 0:54

Okay, cool.

Amber Fuhriman: 0:56

So my background, I have been a criminal defense and immigration attorney for about 14 years, if you count all the internships and free work I did as a law school student. I grew up in Idaho, went to school in Michigan, thought I was going to end up in Boston until I realized that I, so I still had, I think we've all as business owners and attorneys gone through our bleeding heart stage where the cause is more important than the money that we're going to get from it. And so much so that we don't think money matters. And so I wanted to be a public defender for a while. And for anybody who doesn't know it's a lot of work. It's a lot of cases. It's very, a very thankless profession and it's very low paid. And I was going to do that in Boston until I realized that their public defender's office started at 50 grand. And you can't buy a cardboard box in Boston for 50 grand. I ended up in Vegas, went through an internship at the public defender's office, and was super excited to get a job there because in law school, being a public defender was framed as this job that nobody wants, and they're just begging people to do it. But that's not the case in Vegas. Vegas has one of the most competitive public defender's offices in the nation. They're well paid, they're well funded, they've got good, And so it takes three or four application cycles to get in. Nobody explained this to me. As a high achieving person who got into law school, was good in interviews, being told no, isn't something I was used to. So when I didn't get the job, I was devastated. First of all, I didn't understand. I had never not gotten a job ever in my life. And then secondly, who the hell says no to somebody who wants to be a public defender? I was so confused. And I ended up needing to find a job and found immigration law. I did this for I'm going on 14 years. I did it full time for about four years, five years until I hit what I call my, I'll be happy moment. And let me explain that for just a little bit. I had like most people do this misconception that if I worked hard If I did everything that I was supposed to do, if I reached professional heights that paid me well and gave me a lot of respect in my industry, that everything I didn't like about myself, my background, my trauma I had been through, that was all going to somehow become less important in my life. And to me, that moment where everything was supposed to become magically better was a six figure income and a law degree. And hitting that was the best and. Worst thing that ever happened to me because I hit it and then I waited. And how was it that I had my six figure income, my law degree, my respect in my profession. I was living in a city like Vegas, but so exciting. And I have everything that my small town, Idaho art wanted, and it's still hard and the pain's still there. And that's when my panic attacks started. So everything that I have gained in the coaching world, in the training world, in the human behavior and communication world. That I have now has come because I got everything that I wanted and it did nothing for me and I crashed.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 4:13

That is such an important part of our lives as humans, one. But two, when you're on your wealth journey and just in life everything we've been taught, in my opinion, when we're kids, you go to school, college, get a good degree, get a job, have a home, kids, blah, blah, blah, happy life. The older I get, I don't know if it's just because we're getting older, or times are changing where people are recognizing that just because you do that success, if you will, doesn't negate all the trauma and things that you went through to even get there. And if we don't focus on yourself and who you are, then all of that is irrelevant. And that really comes down, and we see it a lot. When people are dealing with their money and their finances and whatnot is like you can see all of that rooted in there Because they're not getting ahead because they're spending money on things that are from their trauma hood of things and so I just love the fact that You have noticed that. Don't love the fact you had to go through a panic attack to get there. But I am glad that you've gone through it, you're on the other side of it, and we're able to now teach other ones. Teacher.

Amber Fuhriman: 5:18

Who do we

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 5:18

got

Amber Fuhriman: 5:18

there? Who's that? Yeah, so I was gonna say, if you guys are on video, apparently this is Jasmine's show now. This is my German Shepherd, Jasmine, and she has decided that now is attention time, regardless of what I've decided. Go get it. I 100 percent agree with what you said and I think that there's so much that we could unpack there related to money mindset and trauma, which is where I deal now. I have business owners that come to me and they say, I want to make more money and I, and my first response is what was your relationship like with money as a kid? What were the conversations like with money as a kid? And in fact, I was doing a call with somebody recently and I told them the cost of coming through a training with me. And he says, money decisions just make me a little bit uncomfortable. And I said, I can appreciate that because they make a lot of people uncomfortable. However, you sell services and if money conversations make you uncomfortable, then what is it that you think is coming out of your mouth when you try to ask somebody for money? Uncomfortableness. And then, and it was interesting because one of the things we were talking about was the fact that he wasn't a closer. That people would connect with him, they would say how great it was, they would say how great of a person he was, how much they loved being around him. When it came to the actual exchange of money, nothing would happen. And I said it's shocking to me that's what's going on since money and conversations make you uncomfortable. Like it's not just an internal thing, right? The other side of what you said though, the crash was necessary. I'm sad that I had to go through the pain too, but frankly without it, I never would have changed. Because, pain was something that was no, I, it was no stranger to me. It started losing people in my life at the age of seven. That's the first time that I consciously remember. Somebody in my life dying. Now, I know now from conversations that I've had with family members that there have been traumatic experiences that I don't consciously remember that happened before that, that I know shape the way that I show up in situations. Consciously though, the age of 7 is the first time I remember somebody leaving my life, and it was my cousin that committed suicide. At the age of 14, my uncle committed suicide. At the age of 18, I lost my dad in a work related accident. I went to 10 funerals between the ages of 7 That pain, I figured how to mask with professional accomplishment. And one of my, I call myself a recovering attorney in the coaching space. And people will ask me, how can you call yourself recovering if you're still licensed and you still go to court and you still get clients? And my response is always that being a recovering attorney doesn't mean that you don't practice law anymore. It means that you don't need the hit of walking into a courtroom to feel valued and respected. And one of the My favorite podcast conversations I've ever had was on my show about three years ago. And a friend of mine is a recovering drug addict. And if you take away our identities, you take away our gender, you take away who we are, and you just look at the important parts of our story. We both have history of suicide in our family. We both lost people at a young age. We both lost our dad at a young age. We both had these abandonment conversations. My drug was professional and educational success. His drug was drug. But everybody looks at him and says how screwed up he is. And everybody looks at me and says how successful I am. Just because my choice of drug was more societally acceptable doesn't mean that my choices were healthier or better.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 8:49

I think you nailed it with that. And this is really funny. Might not be the right term, but I'm going to use it. I'm going to run with it because my brain ain't working. Last night at kid's soccer practice one of the dads was talking to my wife who does physical therapy. And was talking about his wife, who's a runner and does CrossFit, etc. Her, probably her IT band or something. Okay? Now, before I get into what that conversation was about, She is the substance abuse counselor for what was a prison. It was in the female prison side of things now it's a profit, basically the same thing, just now in a non profit. And we were talking about, here are some rehab things she could do and all those things. And husband was like I told her it's a, it's an overuse issue, right? And she's not having that. And then he said, and we were all talking, I was like her substance. Abuse is working out. She has to work out six days a week to even be able to do anything. She has to have the gym in the morning to even deal with the stress of the day. That is substance abuse. That whatever your drug of choice may be, we all have it. Thank you. What a lot of people don't understand is whatever of drug of choice is yours substance out the matter Are you letting it run your life or do you recognize it?

Amber Fuhriman: 10:06

Yeah,

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 10:07

some people let it run their life and it ruins their life Some people do the hyper drive of the other way around and it still ruins their life And I believe it's very important specifically for business owners and you being a business owner to Understand it recognize it And yeah, you're still going to go through it. It's never going to go away, but if you can recognize it now, you can actually start to use it as a tool in an effective manner, as opposed to a destructive manner. So it was really funny. You brought that up because that literally happened last night. And that conversation, again, funny, I'm using the word fun.

Amber Fuhriman: 10:39

And we do and train the things that we need the most. So as business owners, and I think this is incredibly important for anybody who's thinking about starting a business. Because they think they got to have it all together in order to get it started. And people always ask me before you opened your first business, which was my law firm in 2017, what do you wish you knew? And my answer is that nobody knows what the hell they're doing. Nobody knows what they're doing when they start. And if I could go back and start now with all the knowledge that I have now, I just make different mistakes because there are things that I don't know. Nobody gets out of business ownership. Without making mistakes, they're just bigger mistakes, the more knowledge that you have, and you recover from them faster, because you don't get stuck in that bullshit ideology that you're the only one that makes them, right? When we're talking about starting something, Oftentimes that imposter syndrome kicks in and we're like I haven't done it. Or I'm still struggling with this or who am I to teach this? And I love the idea and the perspective that when you are struggling with something and you have made it out of that a little bit, You are the best positioned person to help somebody who's stuck in it. If think about me as a business coach and I'm going to throw out a big name, there's zero association. So take it or leave it like a Tony Robbins as a business coach, right? Somebody who's just starting their business might look at a high level business coach that charges, and I don't know how much he charges. I'm going to throw out 150, 000 a year, probably a lot more than that. And looks at him and says, I, first of all, I don't resonate with anything that you're saying to me. I don't know how to get from where I am now to where you think that I should be to start. I don't think you understand my problems because look at you. When they can look at somebody that's been in business for 5, 10, 15 years, and say, I remember what it's like to start something and feel so terrified that it feels like my physical safety is actually in danger. To go out and do something, they have sociological and neurological resources in how I respond to that than somebody that's been outside of that for so long might not have. So it brings a different perspective and both are necessary.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 13:05

Absolutely. I say this a lot, probably too much, but as business owners, being a business owner sucks.

Amber Fuhriman: 13:14

It is one

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 13:15

of the most joyful and fulfilling things you can do as well, right? Talk us through like starting your businesses and the shitty parts. Talk to us about the shitty parts of being a business owner. And I bring that up because I want to enlighten everyone and laugh about it because we all go through it. You said it best. No one has no shit together. Not a person in this world does specifically when they're starting a business. So can you talk us through kind of some of the shitty things you started with and learned? Yeah.

Amber Fuhriman: 13:43

Yeah. So first of all, I'm going to say the way I started my business is not the way I would suggest anybody start their business. So let's just go there. It worked out well for me. I am I'm single. I don't have any kids. I never wanted any kids. I can take liberties with security that people who have a family to support might not be able to take. I opened my first business because I was at my wit's end. I was tired of being an attorney. It wasn't bringing me what I wanted. I went to law school thinking that there was going to be this time that I was going to be able to live my life. And Being an attorney isn't the most flexible career that exists, especially when you're in a heavy litigation field. At this point in time, 2015 to 2017, I was working as the only female criminal defense attorney for the biggest private criminal defense firm in Las Vegas. I handled all of their high level sexual assault cases. I handled all of their High level, I need a, and this sucks to say, and it's 100 percent perception, I need a woman at the defense table with me to show people that the guy that's sitting there can't be that scary because you're willing to sit with them. I handled all of those, right? And I was burnt out. I had gone from that person in law school that read John Grisham books and watched Perry Mason and thought that's what law school was going to be like, to being in the trenches of what a jury trial is actually like and going home every single day of a two week jury trial. Thinking that I had ran a marathon every single day for 14 days straight. And on top of that, now I have panic attacks and I have anxiety attacks and I have everything that I wanted in my life and nothing has changed. What the hell did I do wrong? And that's really where I was at. So I started thinking, I'm going to hit the reset button. And I know that you guys have felt this way. I worked so hard to get here. It didn't pay off. I must have done something wrong along the way. So I'm going to reset. I'm going to go back to the starting point. I'm going to make things differently. Right. Have you guys seen the movie Groundhog Day? You cannot make different choices with the same mindset that you created the current choices that you, so when you blow up your life, your relationship, your business, your whatever it is, because you're not happy with the way it turned out and you start over, you create the exact same scenario. It just has different wallpaper. It just has a different name and a different title. And I am so thankful that something happened to pattern interrupt where I was at without knowing that's what was happening. So a friend of mine plays poker. He says, I met this guy at a poker table and I told him you were an attorney and he says he doesn't know any immigration attorneys and so he wants to talk to you. So I thought, cool, I'll give him a call. And it was an out of body experience where I'm talking to this person and there's things coming out of my mouth that I know I'm not saying because they terrified me. And as we're talking about business, I said, I don't know what I want to do. I just, I don't want to be in this environment anymore. And he goes I don't have room for an associate in my office right now. And I said, for the first time in my life that's okay because I never want to work for anybody ever again. And I was like no. Take it back. Put it back in. Take it back. Take it back. What do you mean? You never want to work for anybody again. If you don't work for anybody, what the hell are you going to do? How are you going to pay your bills? How are you going to make money? And he says I got office space. And I said, I don't know anything about running a business. And he said, can you be here in an hour? And so I went up and for two hours on a Friday afternoon, this guy who owed me nothing, walked me through everything from business licensing to insurance to CRMs, introduced me to who he needed. I found myself in a very safe, conducive environment for opening a business. And then I looked at him and said, I appreciate your time, but I don't want to be an attorney anymore. And he goes, I don't think that it's being an attorney that you don't like. I think it's working for other people and being forced to do things that you don't enjoy doing and not having control over your life that you don't like. I just, I don't think that's it because I was raised by two people that were at complete different ends of the spectrum. My mom, who is so risk averse that she thinks that success is working for the government, getting your 401k, retiring at 65. And my dad who owned his own business and every single week was a different way that he was going to make a million dollars and none of them worked out. And I remember saying to my mom about three years ago after I'd had my business for a while, that I was so surprised that I opened my business without any entrepreneurial influences. And I thought she was going to crash her car. She goes, what do you mean no entrepreneurial influences? I did everything that I could to keep you from floating away with your dad and your grandma and realize that you need a structure and a plan K in order to be successful. So I just think it's funny what sticks in our head. So I'm hearing my mom going, don't open your own business. Don't do it. Don't do it. And this guy says, what are you going to do? I said I'm going to go back to bartending and figure out what I did wrong and I'm going to make a new plan. And he goes, cool. What's the difference between going back to bartending now? We're going back to bartending in six months if you decide that owning a business isn't what you want. And so then how much are you gonna regret blowing this up and then not knowing whether this is what you wanted? You've got office space? So I rented a room in his business and hung up my shingle, started my firm on October 2nd of 2017. For those of you who think that date sounds familiar, There was a huge event October 1st of 2017 in Las Vegas, so I was emotionally unstable. I was supposed to be at that event, and I sold my ticket to hang out with my cousin. I'm very deep in the country music and dancing community here, and I had friends missing. I still had no idea where people were at. Focusing was incredibly difficult, and having my business to open and something to focus on is part of what grounded me. So opening my business, I learned a very quick lesson. Build A Dreams lied to me. If you build it, they will not come.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 19:37

I'm in Iowa, by the way, so that is fricking hilarious. And also that you're from Idaho and everyone thinks Iowa and Idaho are the same. Sorry, I diverge, but that is a fantastic quote.

Amber Fuhriman: 19:48

In college, I, my first degree was computer programming and we were Idaho state. And so we went to this massive conference in Chicago and this competition and it's ISU and they kept calling us Iowa State and we were like, why Jehovah? Potatoes, not corn. Anyways, I'm sitting in my office and this is a really important note for anybody who's listening. Your language matters. And I wish that I had known how much my language mattered then as much as I do now that I train and teach language and communication and NLP. So in my head, I thought, I'm so happy. My favorite thing about opening my business is that nobody's gonna tell me what to do. Who's included in nobody? This person. And I didn't. I didn't tell myself what to do for a long time. I opened my business with 2, 000 in my bank account. I remember calling an Asian friend of mine, and that's important, okay? The clarification is important. I realized when I said it, I was like, Oh God, that's going to come off bad if somebody's listening to it. I called him. He's a CPA. He's Asian. He's in California. And I said, I'm willing to do this and eat ramen if I need to. He goes, I know some great ramen places. And I said no. I'm talking 25 cents a package from Kroger, not like. And so I remember when I got my first 10, 000 cash retainer and he was my first call. And I said, I need those good ramen places now. I can afford the good ramen now. Can you give me the suggestion? Yeah. Okay. So I opened my business with no money. I had shitty credit. I had to build my business on cash. I built a 300, 000 law firm in two years with no credit, no cash by sweat equity. And there's another side to this that's incredibly important, and that is that I had really good people around me. I had people who would come into my office and say I know that you're just starting, I have contract work, if you need it, don't be too proud to ask for it. I had people call me that said, I could handle half of this case and you could handle the other but I know you need it more than I do so I've got a guy with 15, 000 coming to your office, are you there? I had people that were in my corner, you cannot do it alone, even if you are a solo person you cannot do it alone.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 21:57

That is such a huge point. Like you need a team and it does take a village. There's no self made anybody. There is a team. So you have to be willing to say

Amber Fuhriman: 22:10

you need it, right? You cannot expect people to know that you need help. If the image that you're putting out is that you have everything, so when I opened my business, I learned very quickly that I had always worked at those magic law firms where the supply closet filled itself up all by itself and the postage meter ran all by itself and the letters got stamped all by itself. And that's when I realized I was in trouble when I went to mail a letter. For the first time the first week I was open and I didn't have stamps and I didn't have envelopes and I didn't know How to get them and I jokingly say law school made me dumb I can write the longest briefs, the most complicated briefs. I can argue against the most in depth sentences Booking a plane ticket, I almost agreed, so I had to come back to the simple stuff. So if I was to wrap this up with starting my business and the shitty parts of it, it was not understanding the loneliness that comes along with being a solo practitioner. Not understanding that, so first of all, part of the reason that I was willing to step out and open my business. Was because the place that I was working, in order to make sure that I don't say something that could get me in trouble later, I am going to say I always got paid. There were moments though that I questioned whether I was going to. And, that really challenged that sense of security that most people think they have in a nine to five. So what keeps people working for somebody else is the belief that they're more secure working for somebody else than they are working for themselves. And that got taken away from me. And then I felt myself spiraling because if I'm going to be worried about where my next paycheck is going to come from, I want to have control over knowing that I'm doing what I need to do in order to make sure that happens. And so I got pushed out into my uncomfortable zone because it was either work for somebody else and not know whether you're going to get paid or work for yourself and not know whether you're going to get paid. And I chose myself and with that came this incredible sense of insecurity that I wasn't used to. The need, and I'm glad that I had the obstacle course racing experience that I had up to that point. Because being uncomfortable was something I had gotten really used to for the two years before that. And I handled it in a way I would differently. You're gonna be lonely. Success is lonely. The higher you get on the success ladder, and I hate referring it to that because I don't feel like I'm above anybody else. So let's go the further along you get on the success journey, the more people drop off, and you find your community in like minded people who understand How lonely it can be to be successful. Leadership is a lonely journey. Being the person, if you do leadership well, your faults are your responsibility. Your failures are your responsibility and your successes are someone else. And that is such a lonely place.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 25:16

It is, and being married with kids, it's still lovely, because no matter where you're at, like you're, it's still in your hands always.

Amber Fuhriman: 25:24

Is your wife a business owner or?

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 25:27

No. She works for someone else, physical therapy, although she's working on hopefully coming on board and working in the business, but still like that. She's not that mindset. She'll entrepreneur mindset is not hers, but we're teaching her it. But regardless, like you still. Have the loneliness. Doesn't matter who's around you, what's going on. It's just fundamental in business ownership. Now. Yeah. Is there less or can you work on it? Absolutely, but it doesn't matter. When you're successful or not, you're gonna have some. And I think the important part of what people need to understand is, That is normal. That is okay. It's when you freeze, don't move, and can't get out of your own way, is when you fail. And,

Amber Fuhriman: 26:12

and I don't mean

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 26:13

fail as in like I did something wrong and I'm going to learn from it. When you completely, it's over, you did something big, you gotta wrap up shop. You freeze and don't move, don't have a team of like minded people. That's when business is going.

Amber Fuhriman: 26:27

Yeah, and this goes back also to part of the crash that led to my panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Because I was looking for something outside of myself to make me feel like I wasn't. And when you get to that place where you're lonely, you have to be able to know that you've got it. You have to be able to know that no matter what happens with your business. It's a really sad statistic. But what is one of the number one reasons for suicide? It's financial failure. People are so ashamed to say that their business has failed or that their finances have failed that they can't find a way out of that. That is incredibly sad and dangerous. But we as a society tie our self worth to our network. We tie our self worth to what we've accomplished in a professional environment. And I thought that I had this figured out. Until I published my book was published last year and I thought I was publishing it because I had the answers. I didn't realize how many more answers I was going to get by writing what I thought I had already learned. And one of the things that used to, one of the things that came out of the book was my conversation about my relationship with my mom and the fact that she had always been the person that never believed in me, I hear this victim mentality so much. I hear, and I wish I could call it something than that. This underdog mentality, that's all it is a victim mentality. And I wish it wasn't. The show me that I can't do it and I'm going to do it anyways. What happens when you reach a level of success where nobody's rooting against you? What's your motivation then to be successful? And I had gone from. My mom hates me. She doesn't believe in me. She doesn't think that I can do it. And so I'm going to do it to prove her wrong cause screw her. That's my mom's journey. I understand she was doing the best that she could. What writing the book did was take me to the place of actual admiration for her because I finally had to take ownership for the places where I contributed to that relationship. And I wrote a statement, I think it's in the book or it might've been in a podcast episode after the book. But my mom was the villain that I needed to remain a victim. And we all have it when we don't want to deal with our shit. When I look at my relationship with my mom and I say she didn't love me enough, she didn't believe in me enough, all that tells me is that I didn't believe in myself enough and I was trying to get her to believe in me enough that my lack of belief in me didn't matter. Because if I believed in me, if I loved me, if I thought I could do it, then it wouldn't have mattered what anybody else thought about me. And that is what's missing in relationships, in business, in money, in, in every single part of our life. We feel incomplete, and we think that in order to be complete, we need somebody else to believe in us for more money in our bank account. And so we look externally for those things, and when we get them, we still feel incomplete, and then we blame those things for not being good enough. When the reality is, we won't be good enough with it if we're not good enough without it. We have to do the inner work in order to celebrate the success that we're working hard for.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 29:37

I could not agree more. I grew up with my mother's same way. Single mother, so I didn't have my dad very similar to you, just, mine just wasn't around. Being a black kid with the whole dad went to get milk never showed up thing. One of those things but, my mom You have to warn

Amber Fuhriman: 29:52

me you're going to say that before I take a drink of water. It was perfectly timed, actually. It

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 29:56

was. On purpose but with the same thought in the trauma, like very similar, except for I lost my mom in 2021. To alcoholism thrices of her liver, which she had alcoholism battled it forever, which was a huge issue of what we went through. But while she was essentially on her deathbed, I came to the realization that was her journey, right? Shitty as it is, that was her journey. She did try her best. She worked with what she had to work with. And I'm at least here because of what she could do, right? But I still battle and I've gone through it a lot in the last week. Popping myself up, being proud of myself, positively talking to myself because I've always blamed other things or other issues. And what really triggered that for me is my oldest son is very much like me in regards to that. And we were, what was it last weekend? We went to his friend's soccer game because we had the Saturday to do but he didn't play until Sunday. And he asked me, he's is anyone coming to my game? I'm like, I don't know because I didn't ask him. But it doesn't matter because you're going to your game. This is about you, your happiness, your drive, and it has to be single early on you. When I said that I went, I better listen to my own mouth, right? What the hell am I doing? And so I want everyone to know, like I'm still working. I'm sure you're still working.

Amber Fuhriman: 31:23

Yes.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 31:23

Those are things you just have to catch yourself with now that make you feel better and bring you joy are going to be different than mine. But you also have to recognize hey, doing so is a good thing, right? And being able to prop yourself up is a good thing. You don't always have to have an enemy or You know someone else to drive you just be you and focus on you. So I love that and I had to tell that story I really recognize it with my son and I was like, jeez, come on dad. No, I love this and I

Amber Fuhriman: 31:54

want to, I want to share this about something you just said because I did a podcast episode on this about a year and a half ago called Humility's Bullshit and we are always taught as kids to be humble. Have you ever looked at the definition of humility? I just pulled it up so I didn't misquote it and I want to share it with you. A modest or low view of one's own importance. So we are taught. To undervalue ourselves from the time that we're children, can we avoid being humble without being egotistical? That's where the sweet spot is at. I will never tell somebody to be humble ever again, because I remember, I don't know what made me decide to look at that. I think I was doing some stuff for a course and I was looking up different definitions and I came across humility and I read it and I was like, I don't want to be that. No. I don't want to be that at all. But what are we told? What are we told as kids? Don't talk about money, politics, or religion. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Be humble. Don't talk about your successes. Don't make people feel bad. And then we grow up and we be adults and we be adults, Jesus Christ Amber, we become adults. We be adults. By the way, I am an attorney that teaches linguistics. Can't you tell? We grow up and we become adults and we wonder why marketing ourselves is difficult. We grow up. And saving money is difficult and telling people how much we can do for them and why they should pick us over somebody else that does something similar is difficult. What have we even told our whole life? So don't be humble.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 33:40

Don't be humble. Be

Amber Fuhriman: 33:41

kind. Be a resource for people. Be of service. Don't be humble.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 33:47

Don't be humble. As we wrap up, today's episode was phenomenal. And I'm definitely going to have a round two of this sometime soon. What is one thing you want to leave everyone with? And it could be the humility part that allows them to take that next step in their journey, whether it's their wealth journey or just their life journey. What is one thing that you want them to take?

Amber Fuhriman: 34:09

I'm going to get really deep for just a minute, and this is actually something I've never shared on a podcast. Is that okay?

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 34:14

Absolutely. Is it okay with you? That's what matters.

Amber Fuhriman: 34:17

This just actually recently happened. So I'm going to be vague with the details. I was at an event recently where I've been very lucky my entire life to be safe, to be in a safe environment. And I was at an event recently where I should have been safe and I wasn't. And I can now relate to people who have been in fear for their life in a different way. I can now tell people that I know and understand what it feels like to be hiding behind a mask. structures while bullets are flying and afraid for your life. And it's something I don't wish on anybody. I've worked with a lot of people that have PTSD. And I thought because I understood it logically that I understood it psychologically and emotionally. And I did it until you're in it. You just don't know. And one of the things that I used to always talk about was this study that was done a few years back about the fact that our brain is meant to protect us. Our brain is meant to keep us safe. And as we have evolved to a safer community, a safer environment, our threat have changed as well. So it's no longer pavement trying to figure out where to get food and running from saber to tigers. It's business owners running from mediocrity and sales calls. And our brain doesn't understand those threats differently. So that bite or flight response that kicks in when you think about running from physical danger. Is the same thing that kicks in when you think about running from emotional danger and sales calls. And what I learned going through this experience was the way that I react to trauma, the way that I react to fear. And there is a third one that nobody talks about that shows up in the majority of people's businesses and that's freeze, fight, flight, and freeze. So when you're looking at something that you want to do, whether it's in your relationship, whether it's in your business. Whether it's in your communication or your money relationship, whatever it is, when you push up against that barrier of your comfort zone, where you feel physically and neurologically afraid, pay attention to how you respond to that. Do you. Kick and fight, which is defensiveness and aggressiveness and displace frustration and anger. Do you kick in flight, which is avoidance and running or do you kick and freeze, which is your procrastination? And be aware that when you get busy, when you're supposed to be doing something that you know is going to benefit your life and business in a way that you've never experienced before. That, that busy ner, while it seems very real, is very possibly your neurological fight, flight, or freeze system kicking in. So that's what I'll leave you with. Yeah,

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 37:17

that was deep. You're not wrong. You weren't wrong with that. That is deep. But I appreciate you telling us that story. Again, everyone, fight, flight, or freeze, right? We always leave out the freeze part. Figure it out for yourself, that way you can start to move forward. Amber, appreciate your time. Really lovely having you on. We're definitely having you on again. But again, thank you for your time.

Amber Fuhriman: 37:38

It was an absolute pleasure. Thank you so much for making it fun and enjoyable. And I absolutely love your mission here.

Black Mammoth: 38:00

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