12 Days of Giving Day 10: When Family & Money Collide - Healing Your Relationship with Both Through Understanding

Have you ever lent money to family and watched it destroy your relationship? Or felt the sting of shame when borrowing from loved ones? You're not alone. In Day 10 of our 12 Days of Giving series, Dr. Preston Cherry shares raw, personal stories from his childhood that shaped his relationship with money - including a rainy night collecting debt with his father and a college experience that taught him powerful lessons about financial boundaries.

Dr. Cherry, author of the new book 'Wealth in the Key of Life' (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1394268661/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1), opens up about breaking generational patterns and healing financial trauma. Learn how to transform painful money memories into powerful tools for growth, set healthy financial boundaries, and maintain relationships when money gets involved.

Whether you're dealing with family loans, financial shame, or trying to break free from money trauma, this episode provides a roadmap for healing and growth. Visit https://www.drprestoncherry.com/ to learn more about Dr. Cherry's work in financial therapy and planning.

Join us for this vulnerable conversation about money, family, and the courage to change generational patterns. Because sometimes the greatest gift we can give ourselves is understanding our money story.

As always we ask you to comment, DM, whatever it takes to have a conversation to help you take the next step in your journey, reach out on any platform!

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DISCLOSURE: Awards and rankings by third parties are not indicative of future performance or client investment success. Past performance does not guarantee future results. All investment strategies carry profit/loss potential and cannot eliminate investment risks. Information discussed may not reflect current positions/recommendations. While believed accurate, Black Mammoth does not guarantee information accuracy. This broadcast is not a solicitation for securities transactions or personalized investment advice. Tax/estate planning information is general - consult professionals for specific situations. Full disclosures at www.blackmammoth.com.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Money Memories
• 2:57 The Impact of Family Financial Stories
• 5:48 Understanding Financial Boundaries
• 8:57 Navigating Money Conversations
• 11:56 Learning from Past Financial Experiences
• 14:59 Establishing Healthy Financial Relationships
• 18:01 The Importance of Communication in Money Matters
• 20:50 Conclusion and Book Announcement

Transcript

Stoy Hall, CFP® (00:00.556)
Happy holidays, everyone. Welcome back to another 12 days of giving with another good looking brother, if I don't say so myself, Dr. Cherry. As you guys know, really great friend part part of the podcast before all his episodes and stuff will be linked in the description below. But today's about his story or the story he's about to tell to help you understand that you are not alone in this world. And really, that's what today is about. So without further ado,

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (00:01.39)
everyone. Welcome back to another 12 days of giving with another good looking brother if I don't say so myself, Dr. Cherry. As you guys know, really great friends are part of the podcast before all his episodes and stuff will be in the description below. But today's about his story or the story he's about to tell to help you understand that you are not alone in this world. And really, that's what today is about. So without further ado,

Stoy Hall, CFP® (00:28.92)
Dr. Cherry, don't you lay it on us?

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (00:29.086)
Dr. Cherry, why don't you lay it on us? Thanks, Toy. This is a perfect cast. I love this. This is great for the holiday season. Thanks for letting me be here. So I got a story. You want to just jump into the story? Yeah. All right. That's the bet. OK, so I have two stories, and particularly when they relate to money and how they're fast forwarding to now. So a lot of people ask, what's your earliest money memory?

Stoy Hall, CFP® (00:42.764)
Yeah, yep.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (00:59.294)
And mine, I had to rethink this here recently. And my earliest money memory was with my dad. It was with my dad. And we were going to collect money from a family member because my dad had lent money to, I don't know, one of my older cousins. You know, one of the older cousins we call uncle, right? And I didn't know what was going on. And my dad jumped into this truck. was one of our

first family trucks that we've had. was like a old six, 70, 70, 1970 Chevy or something like that. Right. And, we're actually getting to not only earliest money memory, but earliest memory I've had as a human being. And, he was like, come on, you're, you're, jumping in the truck with me. And I, and I jumped in there and we rolled and, you know, he, I watched him cause I stayed in the truck. It was night, it was raining. never forget it. And then, you know,

pops went up to my uncle and they talked or whatever. Years later, when I got older, obviously, I asked about that event and my dad was telling me, was like, well, we loaned this family member some money. we go, did Lonzo say? said, I'm gonna get that money, Jake. I'm gonna get that money. And my pops say, I went over there and I'm gonna get that money.

And so it was very clear that the, used the word loan. All right. And I know when we were talking with family members and friends, we have to create financial boundaries in order to be able to have that relationship. And so we all joke that if you, if you loan money out to family or friends, then you're not going to get that money back. Right. And you just gotta, you gotta play it like the casino.

That said, if it was discussed, I mean, if you use the word, hey, I'm loaning you this money, and there was an intentional conversation about paying those funds back, then you had to obligate that. And I also remember my parents, and particularly my dad in this case, he always used to make us write a contract out when he gave us to

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (03:26.302)
It was $20 story. Like, it didn't matter. was two sentences. I loaned Preston $20. He owes me $20 back by this date. And if it was an interest, sometimes it was. It was a small interest amount and it may have been nothing. It may have been like, we know 1 % or half a percent, but it doesn't matter. He wanted to say, hey, listen, this is how interest works. Right? And so we had contracts on...

Stoy Hall, CFP® (03:45.656)
Okay.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (03:50.874)
on loaning money. Now, it's different from allowance, but if he loaned you some money, his own children, then he had a contract. so these memories right here, this one memory, I'll get to another one later, but this one really stuck with me. And also fast forwarding how it relates till now is I recently had a family member to get a little bit of a jam with funds. thankfully I was able to help. you know, because I've been there.

People have helped me no question. You know, I've been in I've been in jams. I've been down on the down and outs, you know And so I borrow money myself and so that event recent event They you know, the it was kind of like back to the future that event where I remember it as a child Influenced how I handled that behavior or had at that event now. So yeah, that's one of the stories

Stoy Hall, CFP® (04:37.046)
Thank

Stoy Hall, CFP® (04:46.324)
In your opinion, how do you think that currently affects a lot of families? This happens all the time. Let's be real. Families, friends, you're loaning money back and forth, giving money, whatever you want to call it. But how do you think it negatively affects our society currently with these that are not taught to do what your dad said and make a contract interest and have all that, you know, education behind it?

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (05:00.502)
Yeah, know, I've money stories and how we engage with our money. They're either

barriers, boosts, or boundaries. All right. And so that's why we need to understand our stories. I think that, I think I heard it recently that says, one of the worst, I wouldn't say one of the worst things, but one of the worst things you can say is, it's always been done that way. Right. And I go back to my mom didn't want us to put syrup on biscuits, you know, cause we, my grandparents are from the country.

and all that. And so we put syrup on biscuits and this is what it was. And he was like, well, syrup on biscuits, you know, that'll make you, you know, big and everything like that. Right. My dad was like, no, I put some syrup on those biscuits. Right. And all that. And she was like, why? was like, because I had syrup on my biscuit. Right. Just because it's been done a certain way doesn't mean it can't be corrected a little bit. I just had me some syrup biscuits the other day. But it's in moderation. Right. But the point about that is, that when we are

Talking about boundaries, boosts and barriers with past events. Well, just because my dad or, we've seen this a multiple times in our family. So has everybody else like you so eloquently stated just because there may have been financial trauma with lending money before. Does it mean that it has to be that way going forward? All right. But that said, meaning not lend the money at all. And

And I say that with all compassion is because there are folks that will, in any money situation, if you had a money experience earlier in life and it hasn't been addressed or flushed out or investigated, then there's more than likely a direct linkage on how you're handling that situation currently. And that's why I say it could be a barrier because that friend or that family member may

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (07:16.954)
Well, may well deserve lack of a better term or warrant, you know, that lending of money and may have the aptitude and the attitude to, to want to pay that back. And because of a past event, it has served as now it's a barrier to potentially, you know, lending that money to that person that actually is going to do something with it and pay you back. So we, it's, it's, it's trying not to let.

or try not to let past experience become barriers to your future thriving current or future thriving with your money. Now, that said, awareness is key too, right? after the investigation about this, the investigation of what that event and flushing that out, that doesn't mean that just because you flushed that out and you feel better about it and you know how to build better boundaries, doesn't mean that you

You won't lend the money, but at least it won't be for a initial reaction of that's the way it was. And that's what I was going to be now. Right. Yeah. And I think that communication with yourself is key because if you're having that conversation, you fleshed it out yourself. You understand what the scenario, why your emotions are that way. And regardless of you ended up lending it or not, your outcome is going to be.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (08:27.256)
Yeah, and I think that communication with yourself is key because if you're having that conversation, you fleshed it out yourself. You understand what the scenario, why your emotions are that way. And regardless of you ended up lending it or not, your outcome is going to be more positive. I think that's a really big key in our money conversations and our relationship with money is when you've made the decision that is thought based, you've thought through it, you know, pros and cons, but you still wholeheartedly want to

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (08:45.054)
I think that's a really big key in our money conversations and our relationship with money is when you've made the decision that is thought based, you thought through it, you know, pros and cons, but you still wholeheartedly want to make a decision. Regardless of that outcome, it is going to be more positive for you from an emotional mindset perspective because you've been through that as opposed to us, the others that just like off the wind, make a decision and it goes bad.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (08:57.202)
make a decision. Regardless of that outcome, it is going to be more positive for you from an emotional mindset perspective because you've been through that.

as opposed to us the others that just like off the whim make a decision, and it goes bad. Now they're spinning, right? They're going through all the scenarios of why why that's what the beforehand and communication is, but also the communication to these people, right to your loved ones to whoever you're lending the money to. I think the open line back and forth prior to during the loan, the contract, and even after

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (09:13.244)
now they're spinning, right? They're going through all the scenarios of why, why, why. That's what the forehand communication is, but also the communication to these people, right? To your loved ones, to whoever you're lending the money to. I think the open line back and forth prior to, during the loan, the contract, and even after is vitally important because that's what ruins relationships.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (09:33.876)
is vitally important because that's what ruins relationships. Money ruins a lot of relationships and a lot of it is because there is not that open door communication to be like, Preston, I know you lent me the money, I know it was due today, I still don't have it, but I'm working on it. And this is what I'm working on to get there.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (09:37.98)
Money ruined a lot of relationships and a lot of it is because there is not that open door communication to be like, hey, hey, Preston, I know you lent me the money, I know it was due today, I still don't have it, but I'm working on it. And this is what I'm working on to get there. That's a different conversation than me just ghosting you not saying, well, you have to come knock on my door. That's different. It's a different relationship.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (09:53.516)
That's a different conversation than me just ghosting you not saying a word. And you got to come knock on my door. That's different. That's a different relationship and outcome is different. What do you say to those people that are in the situation right now listening to this podcast going, I know I made the mistake. I didn't think through it. I'm emotional. How do I get out of this situation? Because I don't want to ruin the relationship with my best friend or my uncle or whatever it is. What do you say to those people right now?

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (10:01.886)
Yeah Wow, that's an excellent good question because well, you know what if you want to keep that relationship then

And what we got, you have to do what we call just chalk that up. Or another phrase is charge it to the game. Right? So sometimes you got to do that. And I think to your point too about conversations, it's revisiting the conversation very briefly and be like, know, Joe Jane, know, we had that conversation last week about that change. know, hey, I thought about it.

We talked about being alone and all that and it still is, but you know what? In order for us to remain friends and keep it moving and all that, I'm just going, I'm going to charge it to the gang. All right. And then they can say whatever they like because you didn't do it for them. You did it for your own wellbeing. You did it because you cared about the relationship more than the

more than the money, although the morning money is important because a lot of folks say it's more than money. Man, had no look. I don't, I don't, I don't downplay, money and a lot of things that I talk about because money, it is this year, even the talk, even the conversation that we're talking to about right now. Yeah. Money's the issue. All right. and it is the relationship more than money, maybe, you know, because the, the other way to handle that is, Hey, you know, we had that conversation and loan.

and all that, and I want to help you out as much as I can, we need to reestablish another due date for that payment. Now, if they push back, I'm like, you know, why you got to do me like that? Well, then you'd be like, hey, listen, we can't talk until that money comes. And if that money don't come, then we're going to discontinue our relationship. So that's two different approaches.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (12:23.644)
Depending on where you are with that that friend and where you are internally and because if it's a principle Then you you you essentially have somebody bold-faced lie to your face, right? Right not a lie, but a bold-faced lie, you know and that that's on a principle. So it's a principle of yes. I'm valuing the relationship I'm gonna charge it to the game or Yes, it's it's a principle and you both face lie to me. I can't trust you right and it

Stoy Hall, CFP® (12:35.512)
Great.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (12:52.806)
It's about the principles and the money. It's not one without the other. So that conversation and how you approach it, have it, but also before you arrive at the conversation, it's your why. It's what principle are you standing on? And then also just forgiveness and like, don't you get it? Because once you, if you forgive someone and you let somebody make it, then you can't revisit that again. And so it's for your own internal peace. So settle yourself.

before you have, then settle yourself, then have that conversation and then let the outcome come where it may.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (13:29.152)
I think the powerful part about that is your why. Like if you know what you're doing and you know who you are, it also allows you to say no to that, like not getting in that situation. And not because of them or whatever, but because of you and be like, no, I'm my pass on this way. I can't, I can't afford to loan that out because it goes against what my why is or my principles or whatever that situation is. Knowing you allows you to say no, and that's okay. Like, like, and if they don't respect that, then you probably just learned a little bit

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (13:30.876)
why like if know what you're doing you know who you are it also allows you to say no that's right like not getting in that situation and not because of them or whatever but because of you and be like no i i'm my pass on this way i can't i can't afford to loan that out as it goes against what my why is or my principle whatever that situation is knowing you allows you to say no and that's okay like like and if they don't respect that then you just learned a little bit about that person and

Stoy Hall, CFP® (13:59.048)
about that person and you might want to put them not on the Christmas list this year, right?

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (14:00.798)
You might want to put them not on the Christmas list this year. That's right. Boost, barrier, boundary. Right. And it is okay to say no. It is okay to say no. And having a script ready also deferring those situations, having those couple of boilerplate responses and honest responses, but having those ready can be prepared to better prepare you to have that boundary. Somebody asked you for some money, ...

And I thank you for coming to me and letting me know about it. Right now, I'm handling my business right now. I'm really giving all the attention to that. And I need every cent right now. If I'm in a better position, then obviously I consider it. Right now, I'm in a similar journey like yourself. So I can't do it this time. And there it is. I just gave you the script.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (14:54.508)
There it is. Right. Copy paste, cut, copy paste. Use that one.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (14:59.875)
Use that one, right? Use that because it is okay to say no. And there's also folks that say, here's another script is back. You can just give it a Whitney. And I call that a hell to the now. And it's like, you don't even have no, you didn't have no discussion. They'd be like, can I borrow that change? Like man, man, nah, that's just it. You know, because that person know what's up, you know? And also too, I would say that when you're, you know, when you're, when you're

Stoy Hall, CFP® (15:22.497)
Yeah.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (15:28.53)
You know, lend them money. It's like, well, just be okay with saying no, have a conversation. But also, be prepared for the outcome. Be prepared for the outcome too. That's one of the most important things. Like you said, if you've done the self work, then the outcome is going to come where it may. And also, let me add this.

The person is borrowing the money. If you let them make it right. You've also understood to create a barrier, barrier and boundary. But it's not a barrier because barrier is self-inflicted, about us a certain boundary next time. If there's a next time is that can I borrow something? Can we can you put something on it? You know, can we split this dinner or, know, you got to all that's a no because, you know, fool me once, you know, same on you fool me twice. Shame on me.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (16:24.14)
Right.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (16:27.208)
What we gonna do?

Stoy Hall, CFP® (16:28.564)
Absolutely, You had said earlier you had another story. Do remember what that other story was?

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (16:30.546)
gets it early, you had another story. You remember what that other story was? Another story. You know, it's along the lines of this one, and I kind of switched it just right now is because, you know, I saw money being exchanged within family members with financial trauma and even just life trauma. say financial trauma and generational trauma, which is

Yes, I'm allowing you the money, but it might be brought up again. Right. man. Hey, somebody's dangling that over your head like a, what'd you little, little mistletoe. Right. And you'll never hear the end of it. Or when there's a conversation, it's brought up for a shame or judgment or some sort of whatever it may be, you know, I did this for you type of thing. Right. and so that has, that has,

Stoy Hall, CFP® (17:08.237)
Yeah.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (17:30.256)
impacted me in a way to where I may not ask for money from a family member or a friend because I've already assumed that they're going to use that against me or shame me, judge me, come up and be like, yo, so you remember that bread I lynched you, blah, blah. Okay, we talking about that, right? Or, you know, or some sort of, you know, just something emotional compensation that comes with it, you know?

And I've seen that through my whole, particularly early childhood and early adulthood. I've seen that. I've actually experienced it with a family member to where one time I borrowed money. I'll try to keep this family member who they are out of the name, but I borrowed it from my family member for college education. And it was just for some, I went J. Jess because at the time it was needed. So for some books. And it was...

Stoy Hall, CFP® (18:16.001)
it.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (18:30.074)
I remember the episode really affected me. It affected me so much with the attitude in which it was delivered. It was like, I think something to the effect where, well, I gave you that money. You couldn't do it. So why'd you ask? and I remember it affected me so much. I was like, I was like, word. I put that money back in the envelope.

And it was back to the snail mail days. You know, I found me a stamp. I was a lick that bad. I put that money back in there and I needed that bread too at the time. But I was like, no, if you're going to do it like that, then I don't need your money. And, you know, going forward, let's say you want to partner up with a family member, maybe for an investment or maybe a down payment for a house or, you know,

Stoy Hall, CFP® (19:00.172)
Hahaha!

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (19:23.57)
You have a healthy relationship with someone and they've extended. said, you know what? Come to me. If you have something that you need some help with, you know, maybe starting a business. I don't know what that is. Whatever the ask is. Did my ha has my, I'm using my story has, has my past experience with, you know, lending this way. Prevented me before from asking from the money without having a first assumption of thought that

Whomever I asked the money for from from that they're going to judge me and use it and the answer to that is yes, you know until I've had to You know, there it goes. Do you still use your self therapy or you know, whatever it may be? in order to flush that out and say what was the reason that Your why is that why there goes why I'm packing unpacking a wide discovering it peeling the onion back.

Why do you feel that way? And did it keep you from opportunity? Did it keep you from advancing, boost, barrier, boundary? So yeah, that was the other story.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (20:33.516)
love it. And we usually ask to leave us one nugget at the end, but you just did it before without me even asking. So I love the hell out of that too. But as we get

through this holiday season, there is something special coming out on the 24th, which is in two days. Two days is coming out. you shine a light on what's coming out that maybe you can get someone to get a little Christmas present that can help them on their wealth journey.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (20:50.238)
something special coming out on the 24th, which is in two days. Two days is coming out. Can you shine light on what's coming out that maybe you can get someone to get a little Christmas present that can help them on their world journey? well, well, thank you, man. Well, one thing that came into the world, I got this big grin as my as my son, my wife and I son. So that's why you see a big grin on my face. I got married last year and now one of the

Third events in my life, right? It's becoming an author. I had to get those two out on public, right? It'd like, you like your book better than your child and your wife? But my book, thank you so much. So Wealth in the Key of Life. And that's coming out on the 24th. It's available pre-ordered. Then you can just order it so you can have a stock and stuff or kick your new year off, right, with your finances. And it's a feelings plus finance book, money psychology type of book that

Stoy Hall, CFP® (21:22.652)
Right here.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (21:47.568)
Whereas you tap into your stories you tap into your money and what we're talking about today for sure impacts and informs the strategies of your money once you start investigating the self past present future

Stoy Hall, CFP® (22:04.448)
you already know I pre ordered it. We talked about I think it was on LinkedIn or something. And I always use money as a tool and you came out me with some good stuff. So I can't wait to dive into it. We'll do a preview of the book as well. But I appreciate everything that you do for the game itself for the people out there.

Dr. Cherry, CFP® (22:16.808)
But I appreciate everything that you do for the game itself, for the people out there. And now you got a lovely wife, a little kiddo not letting you sleep. So I appreciate you. Have a happy holidays. And everyone out there, like, share, subscribe, comment, not because of algorithm. We don't care about that. We want you to be able to reach us and have conversations. Conversations drive you to take that next step. That next step is what drives you on this journey. So I appreciate you, sir. Yes, same to you. Thank you, Stuart.

Stoy Hall, CFP® (22:22.276)
And now you got, you know, a lovely wife, a little kiddo not letting you sleep. So I appreciate you have a happy holidays and everyone out there like share, subscribe, comment, not because of algorithm. We don't care about that. We want you to be able to reach us and have conversations. Conversations drive you to take that next step. The next step is what drives you on this journey. So I appreciate you, sir.