12 Days of Giving Day 1: Your Lazy Teen Isn’t Broken: Money, Motivation & Reality

This one’s for every parent staring at their older teen or college-age kid thinking, “Why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you launching?” You did the “right” things: good schools, good neighborhood, bank accounts, maybe even a car and a debit card. One kid takes off. The other is stuck on the couch, overdrafting their account and dodging responsibility. And you’re wondering if you screwed this up.

In this 12 Days of Giving episode (running daily from 12/12–12/23), I sit down with financial therapist Ashley Quamme to talk about the emotional gut-punch of raising very different kids in the same house. She walks us through the story of Mike and Michelle – two daughters, same parents, same environment… wildly different motivation and money behavior. One kid is the “easy” high-achiever. The other? “Bless her heart” energy all day. And it’s slowly grinding these parents down with guilt and resentment. 

 👉 Watch the full episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/8UWFhj5jFzc

We get into a hard truth: you cannot parent every kid the same way and expect the same outcome. Ashley breaks down the difference between equal and equitable – why giving both kids the exact same gas money, expectations, and rope isn’t actually fair if they don’t have the same skills, wiring, or executive function. And we talk about how to stop trying to “copy/paste” your oldest onto your youngest.

Then we move into the practical side: how to help your “Sarah” get a job without just yelling “go apply somewhere” and walking away. Ashley shows how to break “get a job” into micro steps, map them out on a calendar, and do some of it with them without turning them into a permanent dependent. We dig into why teens freeze, how overwhelm looks like laziness, and why your kid might not be avoiding work—they might just be terrified and stuck.

Finally, we flip the mirror back on us as parents. Our generation was told to figure it out alone. Nobody held our hand. We were kicked out of the house and told to come back when the streetlights came on. That story is baked into how we judge our kids. Ashley and I talk about letting them fail on purpose in safe ways, how to stop rescuing every time they forget something, and how to forgive yourself for not hitting some imaginary parenting scoreboard by age 18.

If you’re tired, worried, and quietly ashamed that your teen “isn’t where they should be,” this episode is your permission to stop beating yourself up and start parenting the kid you actually have—not the one in your head.

As always we ask you to comment, DM, whatever it takes to have a conversation to help you take the next step in your journey, reach out on any platform!

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DISCLOSURE: Awards and rankings by third parties are not indicative of future performance or client investment success. Past performance does not guarantee future results. All investment strategies carry profit/loss potential and cannot eliminate investment risks. Information discussed may not reflect current positions/recommendations. While believed accurate, Black Mammoth does not guarantee information accuracy. This broadcast is not a solicitation for securities transactions or personalized investment advice. Tax/estate planning information is general - consult professionals for specific situations. Full disclosures at www.blackmammoth.com.

Chapters

• 0:00 Unmotivated Teen? Why Your Kid Won’t Launch
• 1:03 Two Daughters, Same Home, Opposite Money Habits
• 4:18 When Your Second Kid Isn’t Motivated Like Your First
• 7:12 Equal vs Fair Parenting: What Actually Works With Teens
• 10:46 How to Help an Unmotivated Teen Get Their First Job
• 14:21 Turning “Get a Job” Into Simple Steps Your Teen Can Handle
• 17:39 “No One Helped Me” – The Toxic Parenting Story We Repeat
• 20:15 Letting Your Teen Fail Safely Without Financial Disaster
• 22:38 Holiday Money Check: Your Kid Isn’t Your Report Card
• 24:10 Action Plan for Parents of Unmotivated Teens

Transcript

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 0:10

Happy holidays, everyone. And, um, let's see. I think you have the most episodes on No BS Wealth and you've been on every season of 12 days of giving Ashley. So, uh, kudos and everyone knows who you are. So we don't have to go through that whole intro, but today's conversation. Uh, it hits home for a lot of people, and I know our kids quite aren't to that age, but it's something that you always think about and kind of worry about, especially with today's kids and generations. They, they, they lack critical thinking. They lack ability to go get. It's just interesting and I really wanted to get that from your perspective and stories that you have and experiences that you have with parents that are going through with these kids that are in late high school, college, that just. Aren't starting, they're not getting going, and they're not figuring it out. And what that does to us as parents, but also how can we help them get that way. So, welcome back and without further ado, let's, let's jump into what that looks like.

Ashley Quamme: 1:09

Yeah, thanks for having me back. Uh, always happy to come and talk, uh, here with you. Um, so I, to reiterate just what you said, like this is such a common. Struggle right now. So I think first and foremost, like let's just normalize that that is a struggle and it's hard. And you know, for those of you that are listening and you know, I know we haven't, I know we haven't gotten too deep into, you know, maybe story-wise here, but if you're a parent with. Older teens, late high school like call, and you're just kind of struggling in that space of like, how am I gonna prepare them to launch? Like, so they're making financial, like responsible, like financial decisions, not even responsible financial decisions, like just responsible decisions, uh, in general, like you are not alone and. More people. I don't think a lot of parents talk about it, um, outwardly because there can be a sense of like guilt or shame around that. Like, what did I do wrong? Um, have I messed up? Is this a reflection on me? So, you know, I think before we just get into things, I wanna normalize just how this is a struggle and it's okay. Um, and my hope is is that maybe through, you know. Some of the story and answering some of your question that we can just talk about, like how to help, uh, how to help here. So, uh, I wanna introduce you, um, to Mike and Michelle. Um, Mike and Michelle are in their late forties, uh, and they have two kids, um, two girls actually. And, uh, one of the girls is the oldest one. Typical, what we might think of as like. Oldest daughter, oldest child, like self motivator, um, responsible in terms of like decision making, um, ambitious, uh, has generally done well, uh, with, you know. Academics, um, things like that. Things that you kind of, you know, if you're into like sibling position, like the things that you would think about in terms of like an oldest, oldest child. Um, and so, uh, their oldest daughter, Sydney, um, you know, she is early in college and you know, Mike and Michelle like working with them, you know, kind of explained like they didn't really need to worry about Sydney, like Sydney just kind of. Did like all the things that like you're supposed to do, right? It was like, this is like the quote unquote easy child. Um, and you know, there wasn't a lot of. Intentional effort put into parenting, into, um, developing those critical thinking skills as kind of you mentioned, right? Because like Sid, she kind of had, she had a lot of that like naturally, uh, you know, so, you know, Sydney's in like her like kind of early college, um. Age, they're not quite 20 years old or early college age. Um, and then they have their youngest daughter, Sarah, who's a junior, um, in, in high school. And Sarah is what we might think of as a typical youngest child. Um, Sarah, bless our heart. Uh. Bless her heart. I don't, I feel like, listen, for those of you from the south, like you probably already know what I mean when I say that. Like, oh, bless her heart. Uh, Sarah, she's a great, she's a great girl all around, but like her motivation level for learning, doing, achieving is like, it's not on like Sydney level and she's just kind of content like, just kind of good, like, you know, doesn't really have a desire to like. Move the needle like on things or to be better than like where kind of she is, like status quo is like her jam. And so Mike and Michelle have two very different children here. Um, and neither of them are like quote, bad or wrong, they're just different when it comes to the financial side though, and. Supporting them and developing some of those skills. You know, Sydney has historically, you know, they, they did some of the things like setting both the girls up with like a bank account, a checking account, like having, you know, a debit card. Um, like for them, um. They expressed how they tried to teach financial responsibility in encouraging them to get jobs. Shockingly, Sydney like had like a summer job. Like, you know, she just needed to be reminded and then she went out and like, kind of got that summer job and would work and, you know, put her money in her account. Um, and was, you know. Didn't, uh, did not gripe and complain around having to contribute to pay for, you know, her gas money. Uh, like around that. Sarah, on the other hand, old girl, like, you know, are you gonna get a job this summer? Uh. Maybe, I don't know, like it's kind of hard to find a job. Um, there's a lot of resistance is the word that I would use. Just resistance. Uh, and you know, Mike and Michelle, because things were so easy, like with Sydney, I felt really s. Duck in. How do I help develop Sarah? How do I parent her? How do I help, like with her getting a job, like that's so foundational for teens to like learn from a work ethic standpoint, but also financial responsibility. And they didn't really have that struggle with Sydney. Um, you know, giving Sarah, like setting her up with a checking account and like a card, like hoping if we put money into it, that will motivate her, you know? Nope. They were getting overdraft notices, like, you know, Sarah's was out there like swiping and tapping, like, you know, she is not paying attention to anything. Right? And there was this friction that started to like be created. And also, you know, Mike and Michelle alluded to a little bit of resentment, like frustration and resent like, you know, while they never outwardly said this, they expressed like, why can't she be more like Sydnee? Like, why is this so difficult for her? Why doesn't she just. Get it. She has an older sister who has quote unquote paved the way and shown like, Hey, this is how you, you know, should kind of like do things. Like there's a model right there. And Mike and Michelle, both dual income professionals, you know. Generally, like financially, like responsible people, middle class suburban, um, white family, great neighborhood, great schools, like both girls had like great friends, like family influences, like all of these things. When we start thinking about like our micro and macro systems, right? Like there was a lot of like good things like there from a support standpoint, from a support and influence standpoint. But Michael, Michelle, just like. So lost though. And like, you know, they've never said, they never said this, but it was like, how the heck did Sarah turn out the way that she did? Like, you know, we have all these good things and for both of them, particularly Michelle, I think there was a lot of shame around, what did I do wrong? Like, I have missed the mark here from a parenting standpoint. So. I'm setting just kind of this stage like with like this story, and I wanna pause because I know I've gone kind of into like a lot of just context here. You know, Mike and Michelle's story, you know, while it is their story, like it's also stories like story that I've heard. A lot, right? A lot about is how do we parent two different children? One is more maybe responsible, the other is less. Less so bless their heart. Um, so you know, this is who kind of this family is and this is who this couple, this couple is. But I wanna pause to kind of give you some room to like digest and. See where, where would be helpful do you think that we should go kind of in thinking about this family, this couple?

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 9:49

Yeah. And I, I, I think about my own kids'cause yeah, they might be young, 11 and eight, but there, there is that older, younger, I mean, it's there. It's just a thing, right? And everyone goes through this. I have a client who has, they're actually twin daughters, but even by the, the few seconds the one came out first, like it's still there too. Right? And their path as adults is. It could not be polar opposite. Um, and as I was listening to this and digesting it and laughing my ass off,'cause our youngest is, oh man, uh, we, we'll bring him on and have a lot more issues with that down the road, but. It came down to as parents, there isn't one way to parent. There are multiple ways to parent. Even if you've done everything like set up wise, like you had said, like this family's basically set up and there, there is no failure because everything is good, right? It's, it's there. Check mark, check mark, check mark, and doesn't have those bad influences and we still see. This separation, um, between, between siblings and whatnot. What I wanted to ask and why you're going through this is not like, why,'cause I'm not getting into all of that. I don't know if we have the brain power to know why the oldest and the youngest operate this way. But where, where can we go with the youngest, right? Mm-hmm. Where can we go with the young child who does develop differently? Who does have a different attitude about life? How can we really achieve to get them to jump off without like trying to parent the way we did? Right? Like, we can't do things. Those second kids don't have that mechanism in there.

Ashley Quamme: 11:31

No. What?

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 11:32

We start with, with parents to do that.

Ashley Quamme: 11:35

Well, we should just send them off to a different planet for a little while and Yeah. Right. Yeah, no, um, I think I'm kind of, Jo, I think I'm kind of joking. Um, I think I've, I think I'm kind of joking about that. So look, the first place really that I encourage parents to start with is actually around the difference between equal. Equitable. Like what is equal and what is equitable. And so what do I mean by that? Equal means the exact same. So in terms of like providing opportunity or support, like financially, like what have you, or time like investment, like where like I think sometimes parents get caught when it comes to, they have like multiple kids that I have to give exactly the same. It has to be equal. So if I give. You know Sydney,$50 for gas a month, I have to give Sarah$50 in gas a month. Like, in some ways that's not, it's not bad, it's not wrong. And I think that we can, you know, set some things up that way. So, but in terms of helping, you know, Sarah, there are gonna be some things that are not equal. Like there are gonna be some things where it is more equitable, thinking about fairness, right? Like taking into consideration each child's needs. Given knowing that each child is different, like, okay, Sydney does not need as much guidance, reminder. Accountability, like, you know, maybe even not as much financial support. Right? Sarah, on the other hand, in order to get her to where we quote unquote want to be is gonna need more, and that is not equal, but it is. Equitable. So I, I, you know, first I think that is, it's a trap that parents get caught in when it comes to their kids and parenting and offering support is they think that it has to be the exact same and. It is not, um, it can't, it can't be. But that's also where frustration then develops is because like, I'm giving one this and I'm giving the other this. And so it's like, Hey, let's like, scratch that. You know? Totally fine. If like your boundary is, Hey, I'm gonna give each of you 50 bucks a month for gas. Like, that might be where you decide things are equal. But then there might be some other things like. Helping them fill out a job application, like sitting down with them, breaking it down. So I find that for kids that are similar to Sarah, I find that off there could be a lot of factors. Like you said, we're not gonna get into the why. But the thing that we have to, as parents remember is that, you know, there could be some other things at play that we may not be aware of. What might just look like a lazy kid who is not as like motivated. Could be a kid who is very overwhelmed by something. Like going and getting a job. That might sound super easy. Just fill out the applications, like go around fi, figure out where do you wanna work, go in, ask for an application, fill it out, turn it in. That sounds incredibly easy. But if your child is struggling with doing something like that, then taking the time to sit down, create a plan together and break it down into micro steps. Like, okay, our job and objective is to get a job. Well then what are all of the steps involved in getting a job? And then how can we break that down, you know, and maybe, um, plan it out like on a calendar, like this weekend, like we're gonna drive around to 10 places and, but before that you have to make a list of 10 places. So you make your list of 10 places. And then this weekend we are gonna drive around together, you know. What's interesting about like teens, um, and even young adults is that there's this push pull dynamic. It's like, I love you, I hate you, like, you know, I want you to help me. No, get away from me. Don't help me. Um, but if we notice that our kids are struggling with something, I think it's important to say, Hey, like, this seems to be a struggle. And you know, would it be okay if I kinda. Offered some support and kind of stepped in and helped, like you don't have to do it alone and. It's hard because I think as parents, and I'm thinking about my own kids, you know, cam just turned 13, so like, holy cow, I have a teenager now. So some of this feels like really like, like, ooh, kind of big for me. But you know, I think that we think because they're 17, 18, 19, 20, that they should just be able to do. Like all the things alone by themselves and we are not meant to do or be like in isolation or do things alone. And you know, I think that realizing, hey, if our kid is struggling with something, it's okay to do some things with them. Like they might learn a lot from you. Um, you know, there, so Okay. Recapping. For kids that are like Sarah, like if they're struggling to kind of do things like break it down into some micro steps, like lay out all of the plans, um, or all the steps. Uh, why that's important is because you talked about that critical thinking. Um, it helps them think through critically, what are all the things that I need to do? Um, and you can collaborate on that. Um, give them a sense of autonomy, like where do you wanna start? You know, instead of just dictating like, this is where you need to start. Like ask them like, where do you think now that this is our plan? Where do you think this is the best place to start? Cool. Okay. Like, make a list and then I will help drive you around to all of these places so that, you know, we can chip away, you know, at kind of this goal. So I think, you know, that is really important. And the other piece too is, as I just said, is being okay with and accepting that. You're gonna have to step in and do some things with them, and that's okay. And it can actually be a really great bonding moment, and it can help them to not feel so alone in having to do it.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 18:00

One of the biggest fights that now we've, we've established like, Hey, this is what we can do to help Sarah or our Sarahs out there in the world. The part that I think we, we should talk about before we end this whole thing is, is us as parents, we're fighting our generation anyways. That's probably having kids around this age. We are fighting something that we were left alone to go do those things right? We were said, kicked out the house, come back when the street lights are on. Go get a job. You need to make money and. There was no help. And I think that's what we fight a lot, is we want them to be kind of like us, but we don't want them to be like us. Yeah. So we're harder on them. We're pushing them to go be independent. When realistically, like you said, 17, 18, 19, 20 year olds really aren't mature enough to be an adult that shouldn't be on their own. Um. So how do we as parents and as the adults, what do we need to work on to like remove that, right? Remove that from ourselves if we can, or at least temper it, but also set our sights on each of our kids has a different destination ending, right? It is not, they're all out by 18 and they're going to college and, you know what I mean? Like, how can we also forgive ourselves for not hitting those marks right? And, and be able to adjust to what our kids' needs are.

Ashley Quamme: 19:17

Um, we probably need another hour for that. Um, part two. Uh, so, okay. A few things come to mind here. Um, for me, one, like hearing you say that reminded me of Yeah, I think. There are elements, you know, for those like that are millennials, you know, raising like, you know, kind of kids, older millennials, you know, like we don't want our kids to fail. But we also recognize that there are things likely maybe from how we grew up that um, you know, maybe we should not have carried like the burdens. From, or responsibility for, and that's okay. But I, I also think that what I notice a lot is parents are afraid to let their kids fail. And in doing so, they jump in sometimes too quickly. Um, or they had previously been doing a lot of things, quote unquote for them. Um, and then they hit these teenage years and it's like. Gosh, you're 16, 17, 18. Like, you should know how to do this by now. And now I'm just going to pull back all support and you're totally like by yourself, on your own, or you're off to college now, like, see you later. Like. I'm done. And that is really not helpful or wise. And so, you know, if you have younger kids, I would say right now and you're listening, one good for you. But two, like learning kind of slowly along the way. Like, where am I? Okay. Like letting my kid, I say fail, but like make a mistake. Um, so one example. Is that our kids have been making their lunches since they were in kindergarten. Wow. Um, now there has been some assistance and support, um, and we've structured things kind of as they've gotten older. Just kind of, you know, a little bit differently, but, you know, the, from our responsibility piece, it's, you know. You make your own lunch, you're responsible for that. Um, cam forgot his lunch one day and it was sitting on the counter and I had to struggle with not taking it up there. Now granted, he was like, you know, fifth grade, so we're talking like 10, right? 10, 11. And so I struggled with like, do I just run this really quickly up to school in between my calls or do I let him sit with. You know, remember that he forgot his lunch. Now he can buy his lunch from school. There's always money on the kids' accounts where they can purchase. Yeah. Or they, they're not gonna starve. Right. But I had to struggle with that, like, and he came home and was like, oh, I forgot my lunch. And I was like, I know, dude. It was like sitting here on the counter, like all day, man. Like. Yeah. What was that like? Oh, it was so embarrassing. Like, because I went and like sat down, then I had to re and then, and it was a learning opportunity. But you know, my point in sharing that is I think sometimes as parents we're scared to like, let our kids like make mistakes or we'd jump into you quickly, and that's not helpful in building those critical thinking skills. And then by the time they get to be young adults or teenagers, like we expect them to have it when they haven't been learning it all along. Now if you're a parent hearing this and you're like, oh crap, like you know, I was the one that went and like brought my kid there to lunch every single time they forgot it or their homework. Hey, that's okay, that's okay. But we can start now at developing some of those critical thinking skills. And so where are you okay with allowing your child to make mistakes? That has to be a personal decision. I don't know where exactly that is, like for you, but there is learning in that place. Um, and that's how, from like a brain, like, you know, if we think about like our executive functioning, you know, like that's how that develops there. And so, um, it, you know, it's a hard space to be in, but it, it, it is useful and helpful, um, in letting our kids struggle a little bit.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 23:18

Without a doubt, and I know we'll tease this'cause we have many episodes we probably already tease, but that also goes into youth sports, which will be a topic we bring up next year. Don't worry.

Ashley Quamme: 23:29

Oh, you know, I'm here for it.

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 23:30

Oh yeah. And that might be a, it might be a long one, fella, uh, ladies and gents that might be two, three hours, um, of us ranting and raving. But as we wrap up this one for, for this holiday season is, we know you're thinking about it. We, we all are right? Especially those that have the older children that are coming closer to college. Like this is the time that you reflect. You think about it, you think about your money, you're just thinking about it. And while you're thinking about it, listening to this episode. Understand that there, there are things you can do now, um, and as well as things that you're gonna need to do down the line that probably are different than what you're used to. They're probably different the way your brain thinks to do them. In the ultimate thing of what you said, this whole thing is it's okay because it's the normal, it's the norm. Everyone's going through it, everyone's talking about it. Just be able to make that adjustment. And so from my perspective, that's what I took out the most is it's normal. And you're just gonna have to plan and work through it.'cause it's your kid. You just gotta figure it out as you go.

Ashley Quamme: 24:34

Yeah, all of that. You said it. Well look, I'm out like mic drop. I don't have anything else to add. Like there like you said it all, man. Yeah,

Stoy Hall, CFP®: 24:42

well, as the holidays are here, go ahead, check out all the resources. Obviously Ashley call me is amazing. She's on there. Go to the website, check everything out, reach out to us. If you really have questions or want help, um, we're here for that. Right. And as. We know Ashley's gonna be on episode two of the new year, so make sure you check that out as it comes down, as well as all the other episodes that she's in. It'll be in the description as well. Ashley, I appreciate you every time we meet. Thank you.