Playground Talks

#21 Five Ways To Prevent Tech Tantrums And Develop Healthy Screen Habits! With Jennifer Strube Bochsler

November 22, 2022 Tammy Afriat Episode 21
Playground Talks
#21 Five Ways To Prevent Tech Tantrums And Develop Healthy Screen Habits! With Jennifer Strube Bochsler
Show Notes Transcript

How does excessive screen time affect children's brains and development?
How many hours are recommended for a kid to be on screen?
What are the five ways to prevent tech tantrums and develop healthy screen habits?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler, LMFT,  is co-founder of TechWiseLittles, an online community for nature-rich and screen-light parents. As an educator and licensed family therapist, she’s worked for 20 years in public and private education helping families with healthy tech boundaries and developing kids’ attention and focus skills. As a wife and mom of two, she's passionate about the outdoors and believes most things work better once unplugged…especially us.
For the last decade, screen time has been a topic for teenagers, but parents are now raising digital natives—infants are meeting family over FaceTime and the average toddler is on tech for over 2 hours a day.
In this talk, Jennifer explains why it’s never too early (or too late) to create a healthy relationship with tech. Through the use of simple screen swaps and intentional choices, it’s possible to boost your child’s development and connect more closely, both on and off tech. Not all screens are created equal, and she’s here to explain why.

For more content around screen habits, follow Jennifer or check out TechWiseLittles website!

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Tammy Afriat :

Hey Jenniferr. How are you?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Hi Tammy. Thank you so much for having me on. I'm so excited

Tammy Afriat :

I'm so excited as well. Thank you for coming. I think many. Parents attach guilt with letting their kids to be on screen, and that's why I so glad you came you're gonna help us understand how can we, be more intentional with a screen time and form these healthy screen habits. And avoid those tech tantrums. So , let's start with how excessive screen time affect children's,, brain and development?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Sure. Yeah. So this is a huge topic of research that's been going on for a while with teenagers and research has kind of taken a pivot and now they're looking at kids younger and younger because, kids are being introduced to screens, , infancy, you know, babies are having FaceTimes. The average toddler is on screens over two hours a day. And what they're beginning to learn is that there are riskier ways to use screens as well as more beneficial ways to use screens, and that's really the heart and soul of Tech-Wise Littles is to help parents through the nuts and bolts of those more beneficial ways to use screen time. So they can drop that guilt, as you mentioned. I, mean , there's so much guilt around screens and it's because of some of these fears that parents have and some of them are rightful fears and then other fears. Or not. And so just to kind of dive into the research, what you're asking is , excessive screen time. That was the first thing research looked at. you know, how much is too much? And what they were really looking at were kids that were on screens excessively. So that is seven or eight. Plus hours a day., now the research has pivoted and they're seeing that even kids that are on screens a lot less just, several hours a day, but are using screens in riskier ways, such as screens alone. You know, certain programming or more handheld tech, those kids, they are seeing certain patterns arise such as language delays, executive functioning, delays, , emotional regulation., so as parents, that gives us pause. You know, none of us want that for our kids. And the curious thing about the research is the research is not saying screens cause this, it's a correlation. There's a relationship and what the research is still really building out, and this is the exciting part, is it's not that screens are bad, it's that. If kids are on screens 2, 3, hours a day, there's only so much time in a day. Right? And so if your child's on screen two hours a day, what would they be doing if they weren't on the screen? They would likely be. Playing outside, interacting with other people, moving their bodies, you know, getting exercise, getting fresh air. So it's not exactly that the screens themselves are bad, it's what are the screens replacing in the natural development of childhood that are known, proven brain foods for kids. And those are things such as free play time, outside time with other kids, , time in nature., So that is the curious. Of the research and that is where we try to help parents bolster the time off screens as well as, you know, make screen time more beneficial.

Tammy Afriat :

I like the realistic approach of saying we cannot just not give the kids screen time, cuz let's admit that we as adult also kind of addicted to our screens so

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

hundred percent, yeah. And that's another thing in the research, they used to just look at kids screen time and now what they're noticing is that it's a whole family system, right? Our kids live with us , and parents, healthy tech use or unhealthy tech use patterns plays into some of those risky factors for kids. It's not that the screens are bad, but if parents are staring at their phone all day long, They're less likely to notice, you know, small request of their child., and it's less back and forth talking, right? So if there's less back and forth, real time talking because the parents are on their phone, that does lead to, slower language acquisition. So again, it's not screens bad, it's that , What is it distracting us from that we know is super good?

Tammy Afriat :

I'm sensing that we have to have a different episode talking about healthy screen time for adult

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

It's something we're always working

Tammy Afriat :

So I like that it's not only about screen is a bad thing but it's also replacing some other stuff that could be so much. Helpful in developing, our kids', , brain. So I love perspective and let's dive in. So what are the five ways to prevent tech tantrums and develop those healthy screen habits?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Sure. Well, any parent who knows if there's a screen in the house, if there's a phone, There's gonna be that one more show battle your, you know, your child is going to want more. And this is where screens can be hard for parents because in some ways they give us, , some extra downtime. but in other ways they become a point of contention. So our whole philosophy is letting screens be a point of connection rather than contention. So, What we really wanna start from the get go with our kids when they're little, when they're toddlers, when they're being introduced to screens, is that screens are a way that our family can be brought together rather than something that's isolating and tearing our family apart. it's not you in your own corner on your screen. Me on my phone and my own corner. No, we're gonna bring the family together and get joint connection around screens. So one of the easiest ways to prevent tech tantrums using this connection umbrella is to look at the devices we use. for example, you know, we are always on our phones as adults., they're everywhere with us, and then we have the iPad., but if we can swap handheld tech out for television with our kids, that's. Easy way that can prevent a lot of tech tantrums. Here's why. So handheld tech, it's in our hands. It's in our kids' hands, so that naturally just makes it a little bit trickier to turn off or to end the process, whereas the TV is across the room, , it's far away. it's in their head that it's more of an adult object and we'll get to this in the next point, but, that simple swap of devices can make a huge difference. Not only in the prevention of that one more show battle, but also, , for eye health. Like when we hold things close to our eyes, it causes eye strain. Our eyes, were not meant to look at screens up close. They're meant to see the world, , from far away and take in that perspective. So that's the first thing. Swapping handheld tech for tv, number two, speaking of a tv being more of an adult. Device. We really wanna start languaging our devices with our kids, like language, how we use our tech and language, how kids are gonna use tech. So from the get go with my two year old, you know, when she would reach for my phone, I would say that's mommy's. Tool, not your toy. Here's a toy. So just that language switch of like mommy's tool, not your toy. she began to learn that like this was mine and I use it as my tool and. You have separate toys and then also the languaging of I'm gonna use my phone to do blank. So teaching what phones are used for, what devices are used for. So it doesn't just look like a bright flashy object to her. Cuz kids aren't born knowing what phones are. They're just fascinated with what we are fascinated with. They wanna be like us. They see us staring at our phones. They're gonna wanna grab the phone as well as it's flashes. It's, you know , it's cool looking. And so that language switch has been really important as well as narrating. When I'm on tech, Mommy's gonna get on Mommy's tool, which is a computer to send an email. Right now, Mommy's gonna use her phone, to make a phone call, right. So that's number two. Just using that language of tool, not toys. So kids don't look at it as their play device and think they own it and they have rights to it.

Tammy Afriat :

I like the idea of setting the boundary and saying, You know what? This device is mine. It's just not for your years, it will avoid so many of the conflict

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

for sure., That goes for FaceTimes too. Or when your kids wanna see photos, it's important for you to hold the device. Like it's not for them to sit there and swipe. You know, when we FaceTime, we use a stand for our phone or our iPad, and that again gives distance for eye health, which is really important as well as prevents like that temptation to just scroll, scroll, We have that temptation, like these devices are meant to make us want to swipe. And so imagine a three year old who doesn't have the built in cognitive abilities that adults do. We have self-regulation, hopefully by our twenties, thirties, forties, kids don't, so it's a losing battle for them. So we have to help them in that losing battle.

Tammy Afriat :

Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

So that's number two. And then number three is, and it might seem weird if you're not used to using these things in your house, but we love them. We have visual timers., we have one in the bathroom near our bathtub, and we have one in the living room like for getting ready for screen time. And you can turn the. So we let our daughter turn the knob and she gets to set her time, and then when it runs out, she gets to see the color running out. That's the end of that activity. So for activities that are harder to transition in and out of, we use a visual timer. We love one by time timer. They make 'em in all colors, and that's been a real saver for us. As I said, those harder transitions, those things that can have meltdowns, like getting in and out of bath or turning off screen time or getting ready for school. So you prep the child saying like, Okay, we're gonna watch shows for half an hour today. We're gonna set the timer for half an hour, and. The timer will go off as the show's ending. So , you might want one more show. You also prep them for that. Like, you might want one more show and it might feel hard at the end, but just so you know, we're watching shows for half an hour, and then when the timer goes off, we're gonna go do something else. so visual timers have been

Tammy Afriat :

Can I ask you something? Just like I'm thinking step forward with two, three years old, it'll be hard for him to shut the device off. But since as a parent, I want my child to be independent and be able to close the device by himself. So when would you think it's appropriate time to start and say, Here's the controller. When the time is off, please be responsible and close it.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

It depends on your child. Tech is something we teach. it's something we parent just like every other aspect of parenting. That means you're sitting with your child and say, mommy's turning off the show today. Do you wanna do it with mommy today? Look, you did a really good job. Would you like to do it yourself tomorrow? And those little swaps, I really like that you brought this up. Those little swaps can give them that little piece of control that can help also mitigate those tantrums because it's not us coming in from the outside telling them what to do or not do. They get to, They get the power to press the button. They love that.

Tammy Afriat :

I have a strong will one, and that was a game changer for me. once he could close the device by himself, you could see he's really proud of himself doing it, other than it just turned off and he was. So upset when that happens.

, Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

I'm so glad you brought that up. Any place in all aspects of our kids' lives where we can build their confidence and give them choices and give them a little bit of that control, it's so important because toddler's, brains want to be in the know. They want to have control. So the more we can offer that to them, the less they're. have power struggles in other areas when they feel independent in areas that we feel confident they can be independent in. It's gonna be less of a power struggle in other areas.

Tammy Afriat :

Hmm.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

we're like that too as adults. Like , with our own families, with our bosses. Like , we wanna independent. We don't to

Tammy Afriat :

we don't like micromanagement,

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

micromanagement. No, no. And toddler's whole is micromanagement. So the more you can let them have that power, it will prevent the power struggle with you.

Tammy Afriat :

I also like how you said, to break it into little steps, like first we'll do it together, then provide them the opportunity the next day to do it by themself. And so step by step to make sure that it's really happening and it does require time management for the parents, because it's not gonna shut the device himself. You'll need to put the timer with him and just, you know, kind of say, Hey, I heard something. What are we gonna do now, ? And so that's, I think that's the one thing that it took me some time to understand that yes, if I wanna do it, I need to be more involved now, but in the long term, It will, you know, they will be independent. I can trust them to really close the device, so , I like the

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

I love that.

Tammy Afriat :

by step.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

I love that you brought that up because that's our whole mission here at Tech-Wise Littles is because yes, it takes a little bit more time and energy to do some of these things now. And it's making our future parenting life easier in a couple of months when they become teenagers. I mean, tech is not going away, but these are healthy habits we build in now that like tech is a point of connection in our family. You know? tech is something we join together around, we talk about together. I'm not hiding, I'm using my phone in the laundry room. I'm naming like, Mommy's gonna make a call, Mommy's gonna send a text. All of these things help us see our own tech use and because if we're naming it all the time, we might be be like, Wow, I'm texting all the time. Maybe I should have a little reset., Tammy Afriat : Do you know saying to my kids, Okay, so now it's mommy times to have some fun, you know, watching whatever she wants. So I'm also framing that I'm also, Yes. No, that's important. This is adult time.

Tammy Afriat :

Yeah,

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Absolutely.

Tammy Afriat :

that's.

, Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

and you know, that leads into our next point, like another way to prevent tech tantrums is actually, , what we call the Unplugged 15. So, A lot of times our kids are tantruming about many topics in life because they just want our undivided attention, and so, Again, this might like a long time at first, but it's a muscle we can build and it's something that has made night and day changes in our own family. I also have a very strong-willed four year old daughter. and the evenings, you know, post preschool can be difficult. And when we implemented this Unplugged 15, it was miraculous and it's actually grown and , it's just been life changing for our own family and that is, Taking 15 minutes. We do it after dinner and right when she gets home from school, you know those transition times where your kid just needs extra attention is all phones go away like in another room, not in our pockets, and we just sit on the ground. With her and follow her lead. There's no planned activities. You're not going on Pinterest and getting, you know, this amazing show to do. You're just sitting with your child for 15 minutes. You can use that timer and following their lead, maybe they wanna talk, maybe they wanna lay in your lap, Maybe they wanna play with blocks, maybe they want you to read them a book, whatever it is, and that 15 minutes. If you can't do 15, try for five or 10, but. It down regulates me., It's become my favorite part of my day. At first, I was like, Can I really do this? Like I've got dinner to make, , we gotta pack lunches., it slows me down. And when I'm a slower parent and a more present parent, my children feed off that energy and they , are slower and more present and tantrums just kind of fade away. So big picture preventing tech tantrums , has to deal with, can we have one on one with our kid for 5, 10, 15 minutes? Can we get that unplug time with our kids daily?

Tammy Afriat :

I love this. We actually had a behavioral,, scientist, , coming and she told the four wise behind kids behavior and one of them is attention. So I'm really glad you brought that up. Again, it's a great episode. If, our listeners did not get the chance, they probably. Better go and listen to that. And I love the idea of let's just give them that attention and , This will distract them for bringing up whatever they can, including tech tantrums because they got what they want, which is simply attention.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

simply attention. Exactly. And I have to listen to that episode by the way. and that leads me right into our last way to prevent tech tantrums. Again, tech does not have to be a point of contention. It can be a point of connection in the family. And one of the best ways to do that is we have, , An initiative called We Before three, which says, you know, before the age of three and ideally after you really want tech time to be together, time in the family, you know, media is meant to evoke emotions. Our kids are still learning how to process the real world, let alone the 2D world. And, tech is something we parent like that remote control,. You're teaching your child like, this is how mommy turns it on. Let's do it together, and then next time you can do it by yourself. You know, tech was handed to us in our twenties, , whenever we got updated into the tech world. And so for us, we got handed tech and we onboarded pretty quickly. And so there's been a whole generation of parents that are like, Well, that's how we do it. We just hand our kids tech. There's not a lot of parenting that goes involved in, and actually we're learning, it's the opposite. Just like everything else. We're parenting tech, and so before the age of three when our kids, brains are just exploding and their hearts and minds are in these really formative years. We wanna practice this we before three. And what does that look like? Does that mean like you are sitting with your child during their entire show and you're not getting anything done and you've just lost your own sanity time? No, it doesn't have to mean that, but what it does mean is that you are with your child during part of their show, ideally bookends, and then in the middle if you can't do the whole thing with them. So that looks like we're gonna watch a show together, you know, prepping them. We're gonna watch this today, or, Here's your two choices. Would you like to watch this show? Or this show? Great. and they get that little control. you're gonna watch the show. That's so exciting. This show is about this and I can't wait to see what happens. And then you sit with them for that first minute of the show, get them set up, make sure they're comfortable, and then, , if you need to run into the kitchen or you know, do something else, that's fine. And. You're in proximity to them. So you're either in the room or just in the next room. Like this is not the time to go, like clean your garage. , and you're checking in with them, , making sure you know what you see on their faces, that they're comfortable., checking in, what are the characters doing? that's so funny. You know, making eye contact is huge because screens can become just like a flat world, and kids need to process emotions with other people and other brains. So making eye contact, coming back and giving them that hug. And then at the end of the show, rather than marching in and being like, Oh, time's off, the show's off and you know, pressing the button. Nobody likes that. Nobody likes abrupt transitions or having their show turned off midway. So you're gonna come those last few minutes of the show and cuddle up. What's going on? How's it wrapping up? Or just cuddling with them, and then you're there when the timer goes off or when the show ends and you're turning it off together, they can press that remote if they want to. And so, the time is book ended by an adult. One of the ways we, I still get stuff done as a parent while my kid is watching a show is, you know, I bring the laundry to the couch or I bring my computer to the couch, , and I'm sitting there right next to her, monitoring her screen time. With her. So it's not an alone experience, it's an experience where she has an adult there with her. And this is really crucial, particularly in those early years. You know, the aap, the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests no screen time before the age of two outside of video chats., and there's good reason for that because before the age of two kids are not processing media as we would process media., It's more of a distraction in their own brain. Like they're not really computing what's happening. They may look mesmerized, they may be able to stay for hours, but it's not being processed in their brain. And then around age two, that starts to shift, and between two and three is when you wanna, you know, start that gentle introduction to screens and we go into, All of the who, what wears and why of how to do that., in our resources, we have a course, we have tons of free resources at Tech-Wise Littles, and because when we became parents, we weren't sure how to do it. You know, I'd been working with middle schoolers for 20 years and talking to them about healthy tech boundaries and executive functioning , and learning. But when I became a mom, I was like, Where's the guide? You know, where's the guide for toddlers and screens are not going away, and it's not realistic for most families to be entirely screen free. nor should we feel like we need to, as long as we're getting in those other activities. As long as our kids are getting outside and time in nature and , that one on one time with us, that's the real important that we just wanna

Tammy Afriat :

I love the approach of we can use the device to connect and it doesn't mean that we have to be with the kid watching the whole time, cuz realistically, sometimes we need that time just to do some stuff spatially when the kids are young. But I wanted to ask if you could just give us a clue of how much time, it's okay for the child to watch screen time by age group.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Sure, sure. Every parent wants to know how much time is okay., and as I said in the beginning, excessive screen time is a risky factor, but we're realizing It's not the riskiest factor of screen time. And so I will gladly give you numbers here they are. But we wanna pay attention to is like, are we giving our kids screens when they're melting down rather than being with them in their emotions? Are kids being alone in their screen time? Are they watching hyperstimulating shows that look like you? Slot machines or , are they watching things that are at the natural pace of the world? Like , those are the points that we really dive into in our course., and get really nuts and boltsy, like, do this, don't do this, but numbers. Here we go., the American Academy of Pediatrics and the CDC have really similarly aligned metrics. So what they say is under the age of 2 outside of video chatting, no screen time. The AAP did recently update saying, , 18 to 24 months, if you want to begin screen time, you can do so with high quality programming if you are there with your child., and they put. A number, which to me is kind of arbitrary. Like I said, I feel like these other factors matter, but they said up to one hour a day. And why I say it seems arbitrary is because one hour a day is their recommended screen time through age 18. So 18 months to 18 years is their recommended allotment of screen time . It doesn't increase.

Tammy Afriat :

That's weird.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

so it's up to us as parents to find ways to say like, does that make sense for our family? Have we exceeded that, which everyone did in the pandemic? So what are other factors that we need to look at rather than just how much is? Okay. Like I said, the average toddler is on screens over two hours a day. So it's not like the entire generation of kids have have just melted. That's not just, that's just not true. So we wanna be looking at, you know, what our kids are watching. Why are we giving them screens?, when are we giving them screens? Who is with them when they're watching screens? And all these other nuances. And these are really easy swaps we can make as parents because. Screens are not going away, and we can't carry guilt as parents in any of our sanity moments. Like whether that's like when we're taking our own shower, when we're working out, when we're having that girl time,. Like that is times where we're filling our bucket and , while we're filling our bucket, we're also dumping in guilt, then, it cancels each other out., So that's another soapbox of

Tammy Afriat :

So let's say the average is two hours. Does it include the FaceTiming?

. Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Great question. So the AAP does not include FaceTiming as part of those logged hours? In my personal philosophy, it's still time on a screen, however, what they made the difference , in terms of video chats is video chats are a real time interaction. So right now I'm video chatting with you. You're someone I know and we are having a conversation. It's a dialogue., you nod your head, I nod my head, , there is a sense of eye contact., it's not real eye contact, but , I'm looking at you in a way, right. That's the difference of video chats and other screen time. So when a child is watching a TV show and a child is like, Wow, that's funny. The character on the show is not saying, Yeah, that was funny back. The character on the show doesn't love your child. Your child may be obsessed with them, but there's not a relationship there. Whereas when we FaceTime grandma., Grandma's obsessed with us, and you know, grandma might try to , feed us food through the screen and we can giggle and we put can play games. And that's a whole other topic of like ways to bolster FaceTime, but everyone lived on FaceTime in the pandemic. There is no guilt around FaceTime. Like, FaceTime is important. It is a way we stay connected with our family

Tammy Afriat :

it helps develops social skills and yeah, we know our grandparents lives in a different continent, so I know that we have like a routine video chat with grandparents cuz that's the way we keep relationship with the grandparents and I totally know how kids get the love even through their screen and I like the perspective of, it's almost like diet. Like if you choose the content intentionally, you choose some kind of science, math, , then the kids really get to learn stuff.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

learn stuff

Tammy Afriat :

The screen. Something that am not even able to teach him without this device. So it's really about choosing what your kid is watching, and I love this idea.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Yes. Yes. What a child watches, who they're watching with when they're watching. That's a whole other topic., And you know why they're watching all of these things.

Tammy Afriat :

so I want to ask you about your services and do you do online or in person?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

so Tech-Wise Littles was founded in the pandemic With myself and another educational therapist, Kay. And we've built this online parenting community. So we have free resources. If you go to tech-wise littles.com, we actually have a free guide that has different points of five ways to prevent tech tantrums. So head over there today, it's free, just enter your email and then, , we send you weekly tech tips of tech. For you and your children. And we also have a course called ABCs of Screen Time, which, , it's around two hours and it dives into exactly what you need to do , and not do, and ways that works for all different types of families. Cuz there's no one way to parent.

Tammy Afriat :

Is, , this a digital course?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

It's a digital self-paced course, so it's like it's videos that are three to five minutes long. You can listen to them,

Tammy Afriat :

Sounds awesome, and we'll have all the links to your website and the chorus, we'll add to the show notes. So if listener couldn't catch it, don't worry. Just click the link. That's the easiest. Do you want to add anything?

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

I just wanna tell parents that, you know, , this can be a really loaded topic, and so if anything you've heard today makes you be like, Oh no, I've messed up. No, like, throw that thought out the window. there's no. Messing up in this like no matter what yesterday was like, last month was like the last three years in the pandemic were like in your home, your own tech habits. It's just like food and nutrition. There's always a new day to have a fresh start., and that's one of the things we go over deeply in the course is we have a screen cleanse for adults and kids. So if you're listening and you're like, You kidding? Like my kids are on tech 10 hours a day, like there's just no hope. I'm just gonna throw in the towel. But I would want, to start over, but I don't know how beautiful, we are here for you., we get the struggle. We've been there with you and , we wanna have you have a fresh start.

Tammy Afriat :

I love the idea of screen time cleansing. So Jennifer, thank you so much. That was fabulous. And Thank you for giving us those steps to follow so we can start and form those healthy screen habits. I am so glad we got to do it.

. Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

Oh, this is wonderful, Tammy. So nice to meet you this way.

. Tammy Afriat :

Yeah. It's fun to start, you know, start chatting and then finally see each other. So thank you and have a lovely day.

Jennifer Strube Bochsler:

you as.

Tammy Afriat :

gonna