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#35 Consequences: The Magic of Natural and Logical Consequences In Parenting
•Tammy Afriat•Episode 35
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At what age should the concept of consequences be introduced? How to use the "Budget Principle" as a consequence? What are logical vs natural consequences? What are the 5 key elements for effective consequences?
This episode covers one of the most important tools you can have as a parent, and I know you might confuse punishment with consequences, so, tune in and understand the difference otherwise, you won't know it (that's the consequence :-)).
Remember to treat yourself and your children with compassion and curiosity. 🫶
Hey, and welcome. If you are a new listeners and welcome back to my loyal listeners, I'm Tammy Afriat your host, a parent coach and a mother of three kiddos. And I'm here to provide you with some parenting principles and practicality so you can feel confidence and joy as you parent. And so today we want to address the consequence topic, but If you didn't listen to how to set boundary, go ahead and listen to the previous episode, episode number 34, how to set boundaries. I also want to mention that covering a topic in a single About 10 minutes episode is hard, so I encourage you to subscribe to the podcast and to sign up for the newsletters so you can get the summary of the episodes, some book reviews, and free downloads that you can have handy and use whenever you want and need. Okay, so let's jump into consequence. So consequence has a bad reputation. And I hope that by the end of this episode, you will get the difference between consequence and punishment. And the very first thing I want to ask is why do we even use consequence? So with some kids, you set the boundary, you introduce the boundary, you give them the reason, they get it, , and the boundary is simply met. And so generally speaking, I recommend to start by stating and setting the expectation around boundary without mentioning the consequence, showing some faith, as I mentioned in previous episode, giving the chance to your child to show that he listens and he respects what you're saying. he gets that and he's doing it. In the other hand, there are some kids. They tend to push boundaries and there are more maybe strong will and just reasoning is not enough for them. And then for those kids, it's crucial to know what's the consequence, to know what's the outcome for their behaviors or their words. Also kids are just kids. Their brain is not fully developed yet. And sometimes they're simply taking poor decision because they don't have the perspective taking yet. And so in those scenario, we really want to help the kids understand the impact of their choices we want to bring the kids awareness of what would be, for example, the natural consequence of going out without a raincoat. Because they might not think about it.. So, the purpose of consequence is to help the kids understanding the impact of their choices and and develop a sense of responsibility. And in terms of how early do set the boundary and set the consequence, I would say as early as possible because, you know, if a baby is throwing a toy and you just ignore it, you put it in place for them. you reinforcing them probably unconsciously, but they get that there will be always someone to clean up the mess after them. And so they don't get that they needed to take responsibility and that there is. actions.Okay, so let's dive in. We have two kinds of consequences, the natural consequence and the logical consequence. So natural consequence will happen with or without the parent interfering. For example, as I mentioned before, if it's raining outside and your kids chooses to go without an umbrella, without a coat, most likely he'll get wet. thing could be. If the kid is not brushing his teeth, you can say, then you'll have a bad breath and your friends might not want to get close to you. Same goes with shower. If you don't shower, you'll be stinky and you might have rush. in some areas in your body so the smart choice would be to take a shower. So those are some example for natural consequence. Then comes the logical consequence. Logical consequence. are deliberatly established by the parent. So the parent has the control to frame what's the consequence will look like. For example if a kid is painting the wall, you're going to ask them. To clean up the wall because that's not acceptable coloring the wall. The option is to color Papers. Another thing will be if they spill something on the floor. Again, if in your house It's important to live in an organized and clean house Then the consequence of pouring, even by mistake, something on the floor is simply to clean it And then if it's a toddler, you might help them, bring them, you know, paper towels, whatever they need. But as they grow up, they can go and get everything and independently clean whatever was spilled. Another example is, if they played with it. Lego And you tell them, you know, when you leave it not organized, we might step on it. And this is really hurtful. So please go ahead and clean up the Lego. And so the consequence of not cleaning the Lego, what I'm always saying to my kiddos, if I have to clean the Lego, then I get to choose, when do I want to play with it? And I'm putting it away now until I feel like, so for two days. I'm going to put it away and not play with it, and so do you. also when it comes to consequence, I always mentor my Keto's to use the consequence with the siblings. You know, if One sibling came and pushed the other sibling, just trying to get his attention to play. Then I would approach the kids that was pushed and ask him, Why do you think your brother just pushed you? And he would say, because he wanted to play with me. And I would say, And did you feel comfortable when he did that? Obviously, the answer will be no. And then I say, okay, so let your brother knows that if he wants to play with you, he would come and use his words and ask, tell him, ask me, don't push me. I don't like it. And so I guide my kids and I'm trying to do it not from a judgmental point of view, just from a point of view. Meaning that. The kids who was pushed can also say if you're going to push me, won't play with you. So again, between the kids, they understand how to use the concept of consequence to effectively communicate between them. Okay, so here are some key element when it comes to consequence. The first will be tell the consequence, introduce the consequence before you actually implement that. Also, when you introduce the consequence, say it with no anger or resentment attached. Not in an impulsive way. It's not like, oh, you spelled this thing on the floor, clean it up right away. or , oh, you didn't put this raincoat, you'll be soaking wet and you'll get sick. So first of all, you know, only stick to the truth. The second thing would be has direct connection to the behavior, meaning that let's say my kids took one more candy, then he was. Allowed to take the consequence is not you're not going to have screen time for the next two weeks. Okay. There is no Connection between screen time and getting an extra candy The other thing is the consequence has to be in proportion. to the behavior, meaning that if, again, with the candy example, if the child took one more candy than he was permitted, the consequence is not, you're not going to have any cookies in the next two weeks. What we like to do in our house is actually use the budget idea, which means that, for example, if there is two cookie per day and the kids took three cookie, then the next day we'll take off one cookie from his budget and he'll get only one cookie. So again, with screen time, it also, if they get 30 minutes a day and then one day they did 45 minutes, then the following day they get only to have 15 minutes. The point is that there is a consequence, okay? And when we're thinking about the proposal. Of the consequences, as an adult, when you cross red light, it's not that you're going to the jail. So make the consequence reasonable. Use a scale, you know, because when we tend to be so harsh with the consequence, then if the behavior really gets worse or more intense or there is an Increased with the frequency of the behavior, we have no leverage to, you know, because we used our strongest tool in our consequence bucket. So that's the thing about the scale of, the consequence. Okay, I bet you already heard that, but I do want to mention, be consistent with your consequence. So whenever the kid shower for longer than, you wouldn't read the books. So be really consistent with the consequence that you're setting. And also I said that before, I'm going to say it again, prioritize. Don't tackle all the things that you want to address in a single day. Just pick the most important one, work in it. And then once it's kind of settled, it's a habit already. They got it, then move on. And then last thing is set and hold the boundary, meaning come up with the consequence that you can actually execute. for example, if they watch too much screen time, and you're going to say, Oh, for the next two days, you're not going to have. screen at all. But then you know that you have, I don't know, work, a meeting you have to show up to, and you can't whatsoever have someone interrupting you in the middle of the meeting, or if that's a weekend, and you know that you need for your own self care, this noon Then just be intentional with the consequence, make sure you can execute them. So just to summer up, we have natural consequence, things that you cannot control. Then you have logical consequence, which is this thing that you are deliberately established. The key element for effective consequence are introduce the consequence before you actually implement that. The consequence has to be in direct connection to the behavior. The consequence also has to be proportional to the behavior, be consistent with your consequence, and use consequence that you can actually execute. Last word, I hope that by now you got the main difference between punishment and consequence lies in the intention and the nature. Punishment is often associated with negative approach, with impulsive reaction from the parent. Many times there is no warning and there is no, potion to the behavior where is in consequence. There is a valuable learning experience that helps your kids to understand the relationship between their action and the resulting consequences. And whenever you need to come up with a consequence, your focus should be on teaching your child's responsibility, problem solving, and develop. Effective communication skills, . Okie dokie. I hope that was helpful. I am here always to help you individually. So feel free to approach me. And book your free session with me. The link is on the show note. Also subscribe to the newsletter, to get more and more of those parenting tools and establish what kind of parent you want to be., I'm going to take a vacation during August, so I'll see you back in September and until then treat yourself and your kids with compassion and curiosity. Bye.
