Many times I hear parents wanting to spark that internal motivation in their children to learn, acquire new skills, and be kind. But how do you do this?
In this episode, you will learn what is intrinsic motivation, is external motivation bad? and how to support your children's internal motivation and how early you can do this.
The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Raising Kids Who Love to Learn by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
How to Raise Internally Motivated Children by Amy Wrzesniewski
Lee W, Reeve J, Xue Y, Xiong J. " Neural differences between intrinsic reasons for doing versus extrinsic reasons for doing: an fMRI study." Neurosci Res. 2012;73(1):68-72. doi:10.1016/j.neures.2012.02.010
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Tammy Afriat:
hi, and welcome back to the Playground Talks podcast. I am Tammy Afriat, your host and a parent of three kiddos ages 4, and 12. also a certified parent coach, and I'm here to help you expand your parenting tools so you can effectively tackle the day to day challenges with your kiddos. Last episode we talked about external motivation And today we will dive into what is an internal motivation. And I want to start by defining what is external motivation and internal motivation. So external motivation is when you or your child are motivated to perform a behavior or engage in an activity because you want to earn a reward. Or avoid a punishment. So, for example, if your kid is cleaning the room because he wants to avoid a punishment, that's an external motivation. However, internal motivation is when you or your child engage in a behavior because you find it rewarding. So you're performing the activity. for its own sake rather than the desire for some external reward. So in the example of cleaning the room, if the child is cleaning the room just because he likes his room to be neat and organized that means that he is is internally motivated to clean his room. Another example could be if some of your kid is practicing sport just to an award, that's an an external motivation. But if your kid is doing sport because he finds the activity itself so enjoyable, that's internal motivation. Another thing could be if your child is studying because he wants to get just a good grade, that's external motivation., if your child is studying because he finds that the subject fascinating and is so interesting for him, that is an internal motivation. So basically the reward, the internal reward, I would say for internal motivation , is satisfactions, which is interest and enjoyment. And this is actually a result. That demonstrated by a research done with an MRI and I will share all the resources on the show notes so you can look at that if you want. So once we understand what's the internal motivation, I just want to say, you know, is it bad to have external motivation or is it just good to have external motivation? And the answer is both. So, the benefit of external motivation is when it actually gives one the incentive to learn new skills, to explore different areas that he didn't try before, just to get an external reward. But as you do that, he learns that that's enjoyable. And so it transitions from external motivation to internal motivation. the point is... It is not that external motivation is necessarily bad. Human beings actually need both of them. So now , you probably think to yourself, so what can I do to develop that internal motivation along the external motivation? We're already using. I want to mention the book, The Self Driven Child, The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Life , by william and Ned Johnson., and basically what they're saying is that when your kid has a sense of controlling of their own life, when they can choose what to do, they can find the meaning, they can find it joyful, so that's why their main advice is provide your kiddos with opportunities. And, well, this is something that I think new generation, new parent generation is already doing. To give your child more choices. But I want to say it's not only over, you know, choosing if you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt. I think it's also over, let's try different type of afternoon class. Let them choose for the first semester if they want to do sport, if they want to do... Music, art and crafts, theater, I don't know, anything that resonate with you and your kiddo. it also goes to choose what do they want to do in their quality time with you. Do they want to spend time reading books, play peekaboo,, create their own story, , go to horse riding or doing something with animals, . So the the point is giving the choice and experiencing as much as they can so they can learn what do they like, what brings them joy, what is fascinating for them. The next thing, after giving them, providing opportunities, is Giving them positive affirmation and the thing here is not giving positive affirmation for the result because again, result could be an external motivator. Hey, I did it, I'm successful. So remember the sport example, if your kid is playing just to win a reward, that's an external motivation, that's not the internal motivation. So in order to to encourage your child. To try new things, to help them be consistent with trying until they might get better and be really good, then you want to have positive affirmation on the process, on the effort, the perseverance, rather just the result. So to value their hard work. Dedication rather than the winning or losing, whatever they're trying to achieve. So now I know that you might think to yourself something like, oh, but we don't live. alone in this world. We do see and compare ourselves to other people, so we can't just ignore the result of where we are comparing our performance to other people. So what I want to say is that, let's say you have a child who is B student, so what you want to do with him is to help your child set a realistic goals compared to where they at. So your child will be able to achieve and feel confident and motivated because he can have those little wins. And so the next thing it is celebrating your children's success. And this means, you know,, as much as you hold the the space Kiss or a hug or just a pep talk when he has those negative emotions. It is just the same when your child is experiencing success. You can celebrate it together. Tell him how proud you are of the work they've done. And the last point would be to help your child to learn from their failure.. So this is just another way to say we're not only looking at the end result, but we also look at the process. So even when you fail, let's think what the lesson we learned, what can we do better, how can we improve. And then looking backward, it will will be so empowering knowing that We didn't start as an A student, but we did work hard and we got there. Okay, so, the next thing you might ask yourself is, so, okay, tell me, at what age can I start work on developing the... The the internal motivation with my kiddo. And basically, you can start doing it as early as your child is 2 years old. When they start demanding this independence. This is a developmentally stage. So you can, that early, provide those opportunities and choices for your child. and I, again, I want to note, so if I am giving my children a choice and they won't decide, like I'm giving, do you want to wear sandals or shoes and like he's not taking any decisions, I just want to support you taking the decision for them and say, Hey, you can choose. I am counting to 10, and if you're having a hard time to take the decision until 10, I'm going to help you, because we have to get to school by 10. So that's just a side note. and if you find your kiddo has a problem taking a decision, that's actually a great idea for a different episode. So, I will work on that. Okay. To sum it up, we talked about what is an internal motivation, which is basically something that you do because you have an internal reward such as enjoyment, interest, self satisfaction. We talked about what are the way you can support your child in order to develop that internal motivation, which is providing opportunities. As Dr. William and ned Johnson said in their book, give your child a sense of controlling their life. Help them find what brings them, meaning and joy to their life. let them experience as many areas and topics as you can to see what spark that enjoyment in in their eyes. We also mentioned using positive affirmation, helping your child to set realistic goals, celebrate your children's success, and helping your child to learn from their failure. Next episode, we'll be talking with Madisyl Schweitzer, and , because she is a doctor of education with a lot of experience, also with special education we'll talk specifically, how to internally motivate your kid to learn, how to recognize when your kid is academically challenged, and we also give you some tips around what habit can you start, establish to support. your child's excitement of learning. That's it for today. Thank you for being with me. I am going to host a free parent talk about boundaries, we'll cover what does a healthy boundary look like, to whom do you set boundaries. What are the types of bar rates? So, if that sounds something you would want , please Join the the waiting list. You can find the link on the show note, and you'll be updated with the specific date. That's it for today.. Thank you again for being with me. As usual, treat yourself and your kids with compassion and curiosity. Bye!