If you are the parent of a child with neurodiverse brain wiring--OCD or ADHD or autism--you might lose your cool and yell at your child or partner or friend. You might even yell at yourself!. Do you want to yell less? Would you like to recover faster when you do? Dr. Vicki Rackner, physician founder of Free Me from OCD, offers some tips.
Click here to get on the waiting list to be notified when we open membership to the OCD Haven. It's a virtual online community for people with OCD-- and the people who love them. You'll find a safe place to become educated, share stories, get coached and know you are not alone!
If you are the parent of a child with neurodiverse brain wiring--OCD or ADHD or autism--you might lose your cool and yell at your child or partner or friend. You might even yell at yourself!. Do you want to yell less? Would you like to recover faster when you do? Dr. Vicki Rackner, physician founder of Free Me from OCD, offers some tips.
Click here to get on the waiting list to be notified when we open membership to the OCD Haven. It's a virtual online community for people with OCD-- and the people who love them. You'll find a safe place to become educated, share stories, get coached and know you are not alone!
Have you ever lost your cool, yelled at your child or partner and wondered, “What do I do now?” Have you ever wished you could keep you cool more often instead of exploding in anger? This episode is for you. Here you’ll find insights about your anger, and tips to help you express your anger in a healthier way.
Welcome to the Free Me From OCD Podcast. If you or someone you love has OCD, you know that OCD can hold you hostage. OCD can get in the driver’s seat of your life. Here you will find information, tips and tools to put YOU back in the driver’s seat of your life. I’m Dr. Vicki Rackner your host. I call on my experience as a mother of a son diagnosed with OCD when he was in college, physician and life coach to help you evolve into the best and highest version of yourself.
Let’s kick this episode off with a story about yelling.
When my son was about 6, I took him to a Seattle Mariners baseball game. My son wanted to see the first pitch, and we were cutting it close..
On our way to our seats, he reminded me that he wanted a program with a scorecard, but we didn’t have time to buy it and be in our seats for the first pitch.
I created a solution on the fly. I said, “Here’s your ticket. Why don’t you go to your seat so you see the first pitch. I’ll buy the program and meet you for the second batter.”
When I arrived at my seat, my son was not there. I checked around the area. I went to the next section over, but he was no where to be seen.
I ran to a security guard to report my son missing. He could see my panic. He said, “Don’t worry. We’ll find him. We have not lost even one child in the history of the stadium.” He asked what my son looked like and pointed me to the security office. As I scanned the crowd, I saw my son sitting in a seat surrounded by people with Red Sox hats three sections from our seats. I called to him and he waved to me.
As my son approached me, the guard took my elbow and whispered in my ear, “Hug him. Don’t kill him. At least not until you get home.”
The guard got it exactly right. I teetered between two strong feelings. I was deeply grateful that may son had not been kidnapped; I was also flooded with anger.
So, the anger was there. I could easily have borrowed a page from my mother’s parenting playbook and yelled.
I have a distinct memory of being about 4 years old when my mother took me to the mall to buy a Barbie Doll as a reward for winning the family gold star chart contest. We got separated in a department store. When we were reconnected, she yelled at me. She marching me back to the car and told me that as a punishment for being naughty, I wasn’t getting my Barbie doll. I remembered how scared I was when I couldn’t find her. Seeing her out of control added to the trauma of that day. I learned my mother was not my soft landing spot.
There are good reasons to not have an adult temper tantrum when you’re angry.
When we lose it—when we yell or nag or threaten punishment—we erode trust. Plus, we erode credibility. How can we ask our kids to manage their own OCD-related thoughts and feelings when we can’t do it ourselves?
No one is perfect. We’re human and we will all create circumstances when we want an anger redo.
It feels terrible to explode and let anger run the show. I would like to suggest 5 steps you can take to recover from angry outbursts.
But first, let’s understand anger a bit better.
What is anger?
Anger is a feeling. It’s a sensation that courses through your body.
Feelings are like warning lights on your car dashboard, intended to communicate important information. If the low tire pressure light comes on, you put more air in your tires.
Anger communicates that the world as we experience it is different than the world we expected. The gap represents something very important to us. Danger often lies in this gap. Anger motivates us to wage war with reality.
We often think that our circumstances create our feelings.
I argue that our thoughts about our circumstances create our feelings.
That day at the ball park, I had a number of thoughts.
I thought and expected that my son was going to follow my simple instructions and go to his seat. After all, I was trying to help him get what he wanted: see the first pitch AND have a scorecard.
I thought and expected that a 6-year-old would be able to not drop his ticket, and find the right section and row and seat. I overlooked the possibility that my son would feel an urge to join a group of enthusiastic Red Sox fans.
I was mad at my son for not following the simple instructions.
I was mad at myself for making the mistake of giving my son more responsibility than he could handle. Usually when I yelled my child’s crime was something we could predict based on the stage of his brain development. Your young kids break and lose things. Kids of all ages find it challenging to manage the OCD. Even adult kids don’t say, “Oh, Mother, I would be delighted to put aside the things I love to do so that I can attend to your priorities on your arbitrary schedule.”
I was mad at the world for being a place that normalized the pictures of lost children on milk cartons.
You might have certain triggers for anger, like feeling unheard or disrespected or ignored.
You might get mad when the actions of others cause you inconvenience.
You might get mad at people who create unsafe circumstances for people you love. You might get mad last your child’s teachers.
You might get mad if the that actions of others creates more work for you.
Sometimes you might get mad at silly things, and you wonder why. My brother and I once shared how much spills set up off. We realized that our mother got very angry over spills, and her anger took over. It scared us as children. In our brains, spills were dangerous. No under that spilling even water was so awful for us.
On a very primal basis, you can get angry when someone you love is threatened. Anger drives the “Mother bear” fight response.
In some families, anger itself is seen as dangerous. In those families, anger is repressed until it cannot be ignored anymore. Then there’s an explosion.
The way that anger is expressed—not the anger itself—that represents the real danger. Poorly managed anger can destroy relationships.
How do you respond to anger?
If you were a Zen master, you might be able to witness your anger and express it in a healthy way. Zen masters demonstrated emotional regulation—the ability to witness and feel their emotions, and make conscious choices about their actions.
Here’s an example of emotional regulation of anger from the movie Barbie. If you’ve seen the movie, you know that Ken inadvertently imports patriarchy to Barbieland. The Barbies successfully launch a campaign to overturn toxic masculinity and restore the Barbieland constitution.
As the Barbies celebrate, the CEO of Mattel arrives on the scene and delivers his thoughts. “Thanks to the Barbies, I can now relieve myself of the heavy existential burden while hanging onto the the very real title of CEO. And we can restore Barbiland to exactly the way it was” President Barbie interrupts him. “Mr. Mattel..” He interrupts her and says, “Call me Mother.”
What will President Barbie say? Will we see an explosion of rage triggered by this blatant act of patriarchy?
No. President Barbie calmly says, “No thank you.” and describes her vision for the future.
You might be able to regulate your response to anger most of the time.
However there are times in which anger is in charge of you. You witnessed yourself nagging, yelling, being sarcastic or punishing others. It can be embarrassing when you have an adult temper tantrum.
Maria had a blowup on the last day of her son’s visit home from college. It had been a difficult visit. Maria saw that her son’s OCD was getting worse rather than better. Specifically he had more elaborate rituals around leaving the house that consumed more time.
Maria wanted to take her son to the airport on the last day of his visit. It was a family tradition. She figured out a way to juggle her schedule so she could take her son to the airport and get to an important meeting on time. It meant that she and her son would leave the house by 7 AM.
Maria had a bad feeling about this plan. She knew that her son invested about a half hour of rituals before leaving the house on his good days. He’s not a morning person, and if he messed up his ritual, he could go back and begin all over. .
The day before, Maria reminded her son three different times that they absolutely must leave the house by 7 AM. She resisted the temptation to ask. “Have you done the math? Have you factored in the time for your compulsions?” The night before she asked her son, “Do you want me to wake you up?”
He lashed out at her. He reminded her that he was an adult now, and he could wake himself up.
Maria heard that her son was awake when she got into the shower that morning. She was in her car at 6:55. She was alone. She honked the horn. No response. She honked longer.
Finally she stormed into the house and found her son repacking his suitcase.
Maria blew up at her son. She pointed to her watch and said, “What are you thinking? 7 AM . You promised.”
Her son had promised. But when he picked up the suitcase, something wasn’t right. He felt compelled to repack.
She said, “I’m so fed up. Just call an Uber. I’ll pay for it.” She turned and left without hugging her son goodbye or telling him how much she loves him.
She simmered in her anger as she drove to work. She said, “Doesn’t my son understand that his OCD impacts others? Getting out of the house on time was very important to me today. Clearly he doesn’t respect me or my time. “ By the time she got to the office, she had doubled down on her anger. She convinced herself how justified her outburst was.
After her big meeting, Maria calmed down. She felt regret. What if something happened, and this was the last interaction they had.
She said, “I felt like the world’s worst mom.”
What do you do the day you explode?
What’s Maria’s next step? Here are 5 steps you can use to recover after you’ve lost your cool and
1. Stop The very first thing to do when you lose your cool is to stop. Disengage so you don’t make things worse rather than better. Consider leaving the room.
2. Calm yourself down. Sometimes deep breathing will do it. Sometimes you can “get the mad out” by yelling or punching a pillow or cleaning the bathroom. Some people take longer than others to get back to calm.
Sometimes you can diffuse your anger by asking yourself what you make the circumstances mean, and telling a different story.
Yes, it’s true Maria’s son was not in the car at 7 AM. She got angry because of her thought, “If my son respected me, he would have been in the car at 7. Since we wasn’t, he must not respect me.”
She would feel differently telling herself the story, “This is not about me; this is because of my son’s need to manage his OCD more effectively.”
One of my mentors said, “You would be surprised to learn how infrequently people think about you. People think about themselves.” In the movie Oppenheimer, the Lewis Stauss character witnessed a conversation between Oppenheimer and Einstein from a distance. Einstein was chilly as he passed Strauss. Strauss was convinced that Einstein and Oppenheimer were talking about him. In fact, the conversation had nothing to do with him; it was about something much more profound.
3. Offer an apology. Once you are calm, ask the other person, “is this a good time to talk?”
Describe what you did. “I lost my cool and yelled at you. I didn’t hug you or tell you how much I love you before you left.”
Recognize your impact on the other person, “You might wonder if I’ll be there for you even when you struggle with OCD.” You might say to a young child, “It must be scary to see an adult out of control.”.
Take full responsibility. Say, “This is on me. I made a mistake when I lost my cool.” Avoid assigning responsibility to others. Don’t say, “If you could only have been in the car at 7 like you said you would, this would not have happened.”
Do a replay. “I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. Here’s what I wish I would have said and done. Here’s what I’m doing to avoid this happening in the future ”
Express regrets. Say “I’m sorry.”
Make amends. Ask, “Is there any way I can make this up to you?”
Express your love and trust in the other person. “I know that you hate being a prisoner of your obsessions and compulsions. I see how hard you’re working. I trust you’ll get there.”
Your apology is your attempt to repair the damage that your outburst created. You’re rebuilding a bridge between the two of you.
4. Forgive yourself. You are human, and humans make mistakes. Remind yourself is that every interaction is an opportunity for growth and learning for both you and your child. When you lose it and apologize, you model what’s possible for your child.
Then you can remind yourself of something my own parenting coach told me. “You only have to be an outstanding parents 51% of the time; love will take you to 100%.”
5. Avoid collateral damage. It’s very human to say, “What kind of terrible person yells at their kids?” You might feel guilt or regret or even shame for doing the things you did. You could get angry at yourself for expressing your anger as you did.
Skip the self-punishment. Instead, have your own back. Put your hand over your heart snd say, “How human of my to lose my temper. I’ll do better next time”
What do you do the day after you explode?
1. Enjoy your child Your goal is to reconnect in love. Focus on things you appreciate about your child. Celebrate wins. Have fun together. Play.
2. Define your anger gap. Describe your expectations that diverge from reality.
You might long for a world is which your neurodivergent kids are seen and celebrated for who they are, and have the same opportunities as neurotypical children?
Do you expect that the world will be freed of bullies, prejudice and small-minded thinking?
As long as you hold onto expectations about how the world should be, you have a chronic source for anger.
Is there some part of you that believes that your child “should” be treated like their neurotypical friends, classmates and peers?
Is there a part of you that expects your child will do their OCD work? Or you should be able to do your child’s work for them?
As long as you hold onto expectations about how the world should be, you have a chronic source for anger.
You are in a better position to manage your anger when you accept reality as it is. You child’s brain IS wired as it is. We live in the world we do. How can you help develop the skills and tools to thrive in this imperfect world?
Maybe your new thought is, “The world is as it is. My kids can acquire the tools to thrive and build a community of people who value and accept them just as they are.
3. Identify your triggers. Get curious. Identify factors that contribute to vulnerability for explosions. When you lose it, are you tired or hungry? Are you feeling alone? What small act of self-care would help you?
4. Have a family meeting for make a plan for problematic situations. Maria just assumed that she would take her son to the airport because that’s what her family did. She did the math and delivered a plan to her son. Instead, she could have invited her son into a conversation about a plan that would work for both of them. She could have said, “Tomorrow you need to get to the airport for your early afternoon flight. However, I have a meeting in the morning, and I cannot be late. That means that if I drive you, we will need to leave at 7 AM. You’re not a morning person. Should we explore other options?”
Even very young children had great ideas. Maria has a 7-year-old daughter on the spectrum. Her daughter acts out when she does not have her mother’s entire attention. She will disrupt Zoom meetings even though the understand that this is a problem.
She could calla family meeting, and said, “I‘m hoping we can generate some ideas to avoid a situation that is creating conflict. During the work day, I have important meetings, and I need quiet. I notice that there are lots of distractions and noises. What can we do so the house is quiet and everyone gets their needs met?” Her daughter might be able to create a list of things she could do when her mom needs quiet. Since it’s her ida, she more likely to comply.
Than the night before, the mom could say, “I have a Zoom meeting at 10 AM tomorrow. What will you do when I’m at the meeting?”
5. Ask yourself, “How do I want to show up in my role as parent/partner/friend?” Remember that the only person you control is yourself. You don’t have control over the circumstances you face. However, you are in total control of your thoughts and feelings and action you take in response.
These are some general principals that are universally valid. Your tactics for implementation will look different depending on the unique circumstances of your family.
No matter what has happened in the past, you can avoid yelling—or recover from yelling—with a few simple steps.
Thanks for stopping by. I hope you found value in this content. If so, please feel welcome to share it with family and friends and others who support your child’s efforts to be freed from OCD.
Want to learn more about the OCD Haven? This is a community of people whose lives are touched by OCD. They join to access a safe community where they can learn more about OCD, tell their stories and know they are not alone, and acquire the skills to be freed from the tyranny of OCD. I’ll leave a link below if you want to learn more.