MEMORY: How memory shapes our understanding of the world

Chrissy opens today’s episode with a meditation on the past and present, then shares the definition of the word MEMORY and invites us to consider the question: how does memory shape our understanding of the world?

Barbara Rubin also joins the conversation to discuss her memoir More Than You Can See, a story of joy and sorrow mixed with humor and rage as both a mother and advocate for her injured daughter Jenn. Together, Chrissy and Barbara discuss the ways traumatic brain injuries impact memory and how joyous and painful memories intertwine in our lives.

Then Chrissy shares this week’s book recommendation, The Forgetting Machine: Memory, Perception, and the Jennifer Aniston Neuron by Rodrigo Quian Quiroga.

And in the end, Chrissy encourages you to ask yourself:

• How does memory shape our understanding of the world?
• Is it possible to erase memories?
• What ways can you improve your memories and recall?

☀️ My memoir, Finding Sunlight, is here! Learn more & order your copy today

Transcript

[0:00] Music.

Chrissy [0:10] Hi, welcome to Stirred by Words, a podcast that uses the power of words to unlock your writing and wellness practices. I'm your host, Chrissy Holm, writer, editor, and wellness advocate.
This show is about my love for words, writing, and wellness, and I'm passionate about learning from others. Grateful to have you join us.

[0:29] Music.

Chrissy [0:35] Today's meditation is inspired by this week's word, memory. Let's start by finding a comfortable place to sit or lie down.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

[0:49] Music.

Chrissy  [0:56] In and out. One more time.
In and out. Visualize that you're in a peaceful environment.
It can be a real place or an imaginary one.
But notice the sights, smells, and sounds around you.
Now begin to recall a memory. It can be the first time that you got or received a pet, when you got a job promotion, or even your first kiss.
Notice how it feels to remember this memory.

[1:43] Music.

Chrissy  [1:53] What emotions does it bring up? Spend a few minutes exploring this moment in your life.
You can even allow yourself to drift back into it as if it's happening all over again.

[2:04] Music.

Chrissy  [2:30] When you're ready, come back to the present moment.
Take a few deep breaths in and out. Exhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.

[2:57] Music.

Chrissy [3:23] Now it's time for today's word, memory. Miriam Webster has many definitions for the word memory.
Here are a few definitions. The power or process of recalling what has been learned.
Commemorative remembrance. The time within which past events can be or are remembered.
A device, as in a computer, into which information can be inserted and stored, and from which it may be taken when needed.
Here are a few fun facts about the word memory. The word memory has been used in English since the 13th century.
There are many studies on memory and how it can be improved, such as by getting enough sleep, limiting stress, eating healthy, exercising regularly, and more.
And the act of writing with a pen and paper helps implant the memory into your brain, and can also serve as a reminder or reference later on.
Other synonyms for memory include consciousness, mind, recollection, remembrance, and thought.

Chrissy [4:31] Today's question is, how does memory shape our understanding of the world?
I believe that memory really is essential to help us learn from our past experiences.
By recalling our events, we can make those connections and use it to inform our next decisions.
Not only can talking about a memory help you connect with a person again, it can also make connections in your own brain and about certain experiences.
For example, when I wrote my memoir, Finding Sunlight, I started writing little memories from my childhood.
The more memories I wrote, the more I saw how they connected to one another, which helped build my story.
Throughout this process, I learned more about myself and it's continued to shape how I view the world and what experiences I gravitate towards.

[5:18] Music.

Chrissy [5:28] This guest is Barbara Rubin, author of More Than You Can See, a Mother's Memoir.
At 17, Barbara's daughter is in a horrific car accident and sustains a traumatic brain injury that sends her into a two-week coma.
Once she awakens, a unique disability presents itself. Jen lacks any traditional method of communication.
Unable to speak or function on her own, Jen must relearn the basics of life skills in a rehabilitation facility, while Barbara and her family struggle to piece together their lives now forever changed.
Barbara Rubin writes a story of joy and sorrow mixed with humor and rage as both a mother and advocate for her injured daughter Jen.
Emotionally invested in this narrative, she had the advantage to write a raw detail about the triumphs and heartbreaks that followed her main character.
She witnessed firsthand the battles that come when a person is the most vulnerable and also saw the gift of human kindness and the difference it can make in another person's life.
Barbara hopes that her journey, lived through her daughter's injury, will help others understand the lessons that can be learned from tolerance and gives hope to families whose path has also been darkened by tragedy.

[6:42] Music.

Chrissy [6:53] All right, welcome, Barbara. Let's dive in. So your memoir is focused on your daughter, who's in a horrific car accident and sustains a traumatic brain injury that sends her into a two-week coma and eventually a loss for language. And she was 17 at that time. And, you know, that's a good chunk of memories and life. And our word this episode is memory. So, my question for you is, how would you say traumatic brain injury and memory are tied together?
For example, you know, in your past with your experience with your daughter, did you notice any signs of her remembering moments from the past or really how does TBI impact memory?

Barbara [7:37] Well, everybody's TBI, a traumatic brain injury, is different depending on what parts of the brain or affected.
Memory, if I remember right, is the one of the front lobes of the brain, maybe the front left lobe.
So, you know, Jennifer had her memory, it wasn't affected. So she one of the things that you typically see is the short-term memory that gets affected with people.
And what happens with that is if you don't have short-term memory.

Barbara [8:18] It's like that Groundhog Day movie, everything is new and fresh and you aren't able to store information.
And that can have real devastating effects on a person's outcome and recovery because you really need to be able to remember.
Then you have a middle-term memory. So some TBI survivors can remember short-term.
I know what I did today.
A week from now, I won't remember what happened. And then you have the long-term memory, which is usually always there, even if it's a stroke survivor or that type of thing, that type of thing or if it's related to injury or aging.
But fortunately for Jen, she could remember and therefore she could learn, which is really important after TBI.
Because you do have to relearn if you have a severe injury, how to do all the basic life skills again.

Chrissy [9:25] Yeah, absolutely. And what were kind of some of those life skills Like how did she actually start to relearn those?
Like how did she apply those skills?

Barbara [9:46] Well, you know, she had her injury was severe. And so learning to sit, learning to stand, to walk, to eat, all of those things. It was like, she was from an alien planet. She didn't really understand the world she was put back into after she came out of her coma. And the unique thing about her story and my memoir is that she didn't have any language. That was the part of her brain that was severely damaged. And the therapists that worked with her and the doctors that worked with her were used to some people can't understand the language coming at them, receptive language, others have a hard time expressing themselves or having expressive language. For Jen, it was both. So this was a real challenge. And how do you teach somebody to do these things when they don't understand you? So that's where it really required some unique caregiving and what makes the story interesting and fun at times and complex and all those things.

Chrissy [11:03] Absolutely. Yeah, I mean, with injuries and tragedies and experiences like that, it's, there's hurdles to overcome. And the fact that you can find a little bit of lightness in some of those is incredible. How do we add humor to our memories? Or maybe if we don't have like a lack of memories due to illness or injury? Like for example, how do we how have you been able to find a little humor in the painful memories? 

Barbara [11:47] Well, some of the caregivers that were involved were quite humorous people. And that was helpful. While I was living the experience. Sometimes it was hard for me to find humor. But the humor that came from other people, really was a healing process for me. And I'm sure it was for my daughter also.
So, you know, I wasn't as much fun as some of the people that she was around.
And she liked to laugh and, you know, and she liked to do silly things.
And when people could respond to that and react to that, you know, that was good for her.
It was good for me to see. So, you know, as far as my own memory, sometimes looking back, if you can find those, it really helps you heal and none of us want to remember all the bad things.
Absolutely. Yeah, it's amazing how it just a little chuckle or like, Oh, remember that one time can make a difference in some of those hard memories. Right, exactly.

Chrissy [13:10]  So looking back at that time in your life and through Jen's experience, how have these memories shaped your understanding? For example, that humor that you saw maybe helps you to see.

Barabara [13:14]  Well, to begin with, I wouldn't have written the memoir if there weren't humorous parts to it.
I think none of us wants to read a book that is all doom and gloom.
None of us want to be taken in a movie or any of that to a dark place and be left there.
So I kind of came from a family of storytellers.
And you could take a sort of what seemed like a very dramatic, big episode going on that was maybe negative at the time.
But in the next time we were all together, somebody would weave the tale around what happened.
And all the funny parts were brought to light and highlighted because everybody was okay and it worked out okay in the end.
And so.

Barbara [14:15] For my story and my experience in how that humor helped to shape my world, to me, it's part of healing.
To otherwise drown in the bad parts, you have depression, you can't continue to live your life.
And what happened to my daughter, Jen, was horrible, But I had another daughter that needed to grow and live a good life.
And I needed to continue to be, you know, my role as a mother and a wife.
And I needed something to lift my spirits.
So I know the importance of humor, remembering things fondly, living life Happily, it's all tied together.

Chrissy [15:32] Absolutely. Yes. We can experience tough things and know that there are some lighter moments within those or trying to reflect on some of those lighter moments. In addition to humor, is there any other qualities that you noticed in that time period?
For example, like kindness or anything else that you noticed that you felt changed your world's perspective?

Barbara [15:49] Understanding how tolerance, how you can help develop tolerance in people.
When they know and understand something, they're a lot more accepted.
When they don't understand, they're more fearful, they don't have the empathy, And looking back on the experiences that my family had, I know that tolerance was a huge piece to the whole story.

Barbara [16:25] And I've had readers and educators and therapists tell me from reading my book that they wanna even bring that message to other people that, hey, if you understand what a family's going through or what parents are going through, you really will be kinder, more understanding if you're in public and things don't look like they should or people aren't behaving the way they should, you understand it better.
A lot of my memories are a lot of the lessons that I learned along the way.
Sometimes when you're living them, you can't see that.
Right. It's kind of that reflection backwards.

Chrissy [17:14] Absolutely. So when writing a memoir, obviously it can be challenging to remember everything. And, like you said, it's sometimes easier to look back and not only remember, but like to have more of that reflective mindset. So how did you write more than you can see and remember all the details?

Barbara [17:48] Well, I'm not sure I remembered all the details.
I did have to interview each of the characters in my book to tap into, you know, I knew most of the little anecdotal stories that I gave.
I knew those, but I had to ask them more of the details. And that really was eye opening to even more lessons that I wasn't aware of. So that was amazing.
And I think I forgot the question. No, that's okay. Ironic, right?
No, I just like- I get carried away. I do too. You're totally right.
So just like, what was the process of writing, editing?
How did you remember everything?
Yeah. Okay. So number one, I was scared at first to think about writing about the painful parts because I had these memories carefully tucked away in my mind.
And I knew I was going to have to bring them to the foreground in order to write them.
I was gonna have to go through the emotional journey all over again so that I could bring my readers along with me. So I was afraid of that, but there had been a lot of years of healing.
And I'm like, the story needs to be told.
So it's worth the risk. And I got through it.
And of course, writing the fun parts was nice.

Barbara [19:15] But I just started writing and it wasn't necessarily in chronological order.
It was like, today, this is the story I want to tell today, this little segment.
And I would write it and put it in a file. And then, you know, the next day it's like, you know, I've been thinking about that and I wanna develop that part of the story.
And then it was like, after it was all done, figuring out how to weave it together and how these parts are going to make sense for the reader and the structure.
And.

Barbara [19:53] As a writer, I had never had a workshop. I was really a newbie. I really didn't know what I was doing. I was simply telling my story. I'm an avid reader, so I kind of went with what I thought other authors had done. So needless to say, when I found an editor, there was a lot of rewriting and rewriting and rewriting because I really didn't totally understand voice of memoir, the structure of a memoir. So there was a lot of work to be done and, you know, thankfully it all came together. And at one point I remember asking my editor, you know, this is great and this is fun, but do I really have something?
Yeah. Oh yeah, you do. You gotta keep going. So fortunately I did.
And then I had a publisher that took me and it was amazing. It was an amazing experience. I loved it.
I learned a lot.

Barbara [21:12] And I have great respect for authors now. It's a lot of work.

Chrissy [21:15] Right? I feel like a lot of people think, oh, you brought the book and you're done, done, done, done.

Barbara [21:18] Oh no, that's just the beginning.

Chrissy [21:20] Absolutely. Well, it's so nice to hear that you have that support of that editor to of like, keep going, you got this. Mm-hmm. That's great. What would you say that you would like if someone were to buy your book, what would be the key takeaway that you'd want them to take away from more than you can see?

Barbara [21:33] You know, different people have had different takeaways, and I love that.
Some of them were really curious about the financial aspects of it. I can tell you a really important one that happened was one family told me that because we had put Jennifer in a group home and the positive we experienced that we had from that, they said they had always thought they had to be the ones to take care of their severely, handicapped son and she said you made me realize that it was okay to put him someplace else where he could have a better life.
And that, you know, we thought we were doing the best because we were taking care of him, but maybe that wasn't the best.
And so to me, that was amazing that, you know, maybe I changed some family's direction in a better direction that, you know, So there's so many things to take away, but just that you can learn from my experience, however, from whatever segments of it.

Chrissy [23:07] Absolutely. There's so many different aspects to the story. And I know we're very touching the surface of it.
And that's the beauty of writing and telling a story is you can gravitate towards whatever is resonating with you at that moment in your life.
Right.

Chrissy [23:26] Well, as we wrap it up, this is kind of that part of the episode where I ask each of my guests to share a unique piece of reflection related to a word, whether it's fiction, nonfiction, a poem, or a personal experience.
And just for the listeners, Barbara did write this in advance, and I'm really excited to hear her piece on the word memory.
So without further ado, Barbara, if you're ready, let us know what you're sharing with us and feel free to read it.

Barbara [24:09] A memory, it can haunt us and drive us to the brink of our insanity.
Likewise, it can wash over us with feelings of warmth and love, bringing us to renewed heights of euphoria. Without it, we do not function well. We see the consequences of a person suffers when this basic life skill has been compromised by age, injury, or disease.
Memories, both good and bad, help define who we are and how we move forward with our lives.
I value all my memories as treasured bits of my past, remembrances whose details may become muddled and distorted, but they are mine, and I embrace them all.
My book, More Than You Can See, A Mother's Memoir, is a collection of memories, as I let readers share in my family's journey through the trials and tribulations of traumatic brain injury.
Its pages revealed the deep and personal drama that unfolded over a 20-year time span.
I wanted my words to enlighten others to the unique and loving way one can care for a disabled person.
By sharing my memories, I hoped others would benefit from the lessons I learned.
Since my books release, I have been rewarded with many reviews from reviewers, confirming the value of the messages held within each of my chapters.
I'm grateful my story is having the impact I hoped for.

Barbara [25:39] Memory, a valued asset, serving as a guide, not only to our own personal future, but for the greater good of mankind, if we listen, reflect and study all of its subtleties.

Chrissy [25:50] So good. I got goosebumps at the end. That was really good. I love it because I think memory, you know, ties so much into empathy and experiences and stories, right?

Barbara [25:55] Exactly. That's how we gain wisdom. Absolutely.

Chrissy [26:01] Well, thank you so much, Barbara, for your time and your energy today and your memories and for sharing this possibly painful story that is also uplifting and helpful to so many people.
And it's been a pleasure to talk with you today and learn more about More Than You Can See: A Mother's Memoir.

Chrissy [26:38] Thank you so much.

Barbara [26:40] Thank you for having me. You had great questions. Yay. I'm so sorry.

[26:43] Music.

Chrissy [26:54] Today's book recommendation is The Forgetting Machine, Memory, Perception, and the Jennifer Aniston Neuron by Rodrigo Quien Quiroga.
In The Forgetting Machine, neuroscientist Rodrigo Quien Quiroga explains how the mechanics of memory illuminates these discussions, with implications for everything from understanding Alzheimer's disease to the technology of artificial intelligence.
You'll also learn about the research behind what Quien Quiroga coined the Jennifer Aniston neurons, cells in the human brain that are responsible for representing specific concepts such as recognizing a certain celebrity's face. The discovery of these neurons opens new windows into the workings of human memory.

Chrissy [27:38] Before I wrap up the episode, I encourage you to grab a paper and pen, a notebook, or, your phone to write down the answers to these questions.
How does memory shape our understanding of the world? Is it possible to erase memories?
What ways can you improve your memories and recall?
Feel free to pause the episode and come back to these questions later.
If you have any thoughts on this episode, suggestions for a future episode, or if you or someone you know wants to be a guest on the show, contact me via my website at www.chrissyholm.com.
C-h-r-i-s-s-y-h-o-l-m.
Thanks for listening to episode 13 of Sturred by Words, Meditations and Conversations about Writing and Wellness.
This has been your host, Chrissy Holm.
Tune in to future podcast episodes, and until next time, keep learning new words, stay healthy, and stay curious, my friend.