MONEY: How money shapes our perceptions of success and happiness

Chrissy opens today’s episode with a meditation on abundance, then shares the definition of the word MONEY, and invites us to consider the question: how does money shape our perceptions of success and happiness?

Lauren Cañafranca also joins the conversation to discuss her joyful relationship with money as an Accredited Financial Counsellor® Canada and the owner of Elbie Cashflow Coaching. Together, Chrissy and Lauren discuss the ways money shapes our culture, what money can (and can’t) do for us, and how to improve our relationship with money.

Then Chrissy shares this week’s book recommendation, Get Good with Money: Ten Simple Steps to Becoming Financially Whole by Tiffany Aliche.

And in the end, Chrissy encourages you to ask yourself:

• How does money shape your perception of success and happiness?
• What is your top financial challenge, and how can you address it?
• How has money affected your behaviors, relationships, and choices?

☀️ My memoir, Finding Sunlight, is here! Learn more & order your copy today

Transcript

Money: How Money Shapes Our Perceptions Of Success And Happiness

Chrissy Holm
Stirred by Words

[0:00] Music.

Chrissy [0:10] Hi, welcome to Stirred by Words, a podcast that uses the power of words to unlock your writing and wellness practices. I'm your host, Chrissy Holm, writer, editor, and wellness advocate.
This show is about my love for words, writing, and wellness, and I'm passionate about learning from others. Grateful to have you join us.
Today's meditation is inspired by this week's word, money.
Let's start by finding a comfortable place to sit or lie down.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. In and out.
One more time.
In and out.
Visualize that you're in a peaceful environment. In your home, at a beach, or in a garden.
Now imagine that you have all the money you need to live a comfortable life.
Feel that abundance of money and allow yourself to be filled with joy and gratitude for having.

Chrissy [1:28] It. Now focus on what you can do with this money. Think of ways you can use it to make your life easier, more secure, and more enjoyable.
What emotions and feelings come with this connection to abundance and prosperity?
In that video.

[1:50] Music.

Chrissy [2:28] And out. Then slowly open your eyes.
Now it's time for today's word, money. It's both a noun and adjective and Merriam-Webster has many different definitions. Here's a few. Number one, something generally accepted as a medium of exchange, a measure of value, or a or a means of payment.
Number two, a position of wealth. Or number three, involving or reliable in a crucial situation.
Here are a few fun facts about the word money. The word money has been used in English since the 14th century.
The first paper money was introduced in medieval China in the late 10th century, during the rule of the Song dynasty, 1960 to 1279.
There are many phrases and idioms containing the word money, including made of money, give you a run for your money, and time is money.
Other synonyms for money include bill, capital, pay, and coin.

Chrissy [3:38] Today's question is, how does money shape our perceptions of success and happiness?
I believe that sometimes it feels like it's kind of that constant uphill battle to be happy or successful, especially when it comes to money.
But there's a course I took on Coursera from the Yale University called the Science of Wellbeing, led by Laurie Santos.
In that course, she shared that studies showed that while happiness does rise with one's income, the correlation peaks at about 75,000 per year.
Meaning if we hit that threshold of 75,000, we won't necessarily be happier after that.
Money's great because it can provide us with the opportunity to acquire new things, experiences, which it really can provide a sense of fulfillment.
But knowing that, it's not the only measure of success and happiness.
To me, success and happiness is a collection of things and experiences that come from money, but it's also meaningful relationships with people, it's enjoying a job or a hobby, it's feeling accomplished in different areas of my life.
And ultimately, it's up to you to define what success means.

[4:51] Music.

Chrissy [5:02] Today's guest is Lauren Cañafranca, an accredited financial counselor in Canada, and she's passionate about helping people develop a joyful relationship with their finances. She, serves as a speaker and coach, helping folks get more life from the money they have. Welcome, Lauren.
Hello, Lauren. Welcome to the show.

Lauren [5:10] Hi, thank you for having me.

Chrissy [5:12] Absolutely. So we're going to just dive right into the episode. And since our word of the week is money, and you spend a lot of time around coaching and speaking about it, I just kind of wanted to start with more of like a personal question. So money can be a difficult topic for many people. What kind of got you into this business and this topic?

Lauren [5:51] Well, you're absolutely right. Money is incredibly personal.
And I have my own sort of money origin story, how I came to this.
And it's not, I saved $100,000 by 25. It's the exact opposite of that.
It was, I lifted my head up at 28 and was $100,000 in debt and went, maybe this isn't as innate as I thought it was.
And I have spent 11 years as a massage therapist and inside that room, people share a lot of things with you.
And I think as you build safety with people, they start to allow themselves to share things that are a little bit more precious to them. And the relationship with money seemed to come up over and over and over again.

Lauren [6:42] And as I thought about sort of transitioning from one helping profession that sort of has a time limit on it, you know, you can only effectively do body work for an amount of time before it starts to either have a ceiling or start to wear on your body.
And I thought, how can I, you know, have an encore career and still help people?
And I was craving a longer lasting impact than what a massage could offer.
A massage was like see in four weeks, you know, and it was sort of a part of the whole, and money is a part of the whole too.

Lauren [7:22] But it really was illuminated to me when people would, you know, be in tears on my table because, they were ending a bankruptcy or coming out of a consumer proposal, which is a version of bankruptcy that we have in Canada.
And they were so scared.
They just didn't know what they were going to do.
And I had sort of started my own journey and I'd gone down the shame spiral of some of the gurus and was slowly finding my way out of it.
And in terms of vulnerability, which is something that I'm constantly working on, instead of asking for help, I thought, I'll just get certified in this and I'll just, you know, solve my own problem. And I learned a lot on that journey, but it really is born out of a desire to want to have a lasting impact and to allow people. And these are the pillars I sort of talk about about when I coach and when I speak to allow people security, gratitude, and joy in their relationship with money.

Chrissy [8:30] Wow, that's powerful because not only, I mean, it's a difficult topic and it revolves around every aspect of our lives, but to change your relationship with money, I mean, that's a big leap for many people.
And it sounds like you've kind of gone through that transformation yourself.

Lauren [8:45] Ongoing, always. Yeah. Always ongoing.
It is sort of the practice of adjusting your relationship with money.

Chrissy [8:50] Absolutely. So let's think big for a moment. I'm not that that wasn't big, but even bigger. Get really big.  So how do you think money shapes our culture and why?

Lauren [9:10]  So this question is really big. And I think money as a topic is really big, but in North American culture, Money is so much embedded in status and rank.

Lauren [9:20] In that like really reptilian brain that humans, money and technology and our culture evolve so quickly, but our brains don't.
And so we really attach identity to money.
And I think as a culture, there's either an embrace and a worship of that or a rejection of that.
And obviously everything in between, but there seems to always be this dichotomy.
Of themes around money and it affects us whether you have it, whether you don't have it, what it means to have it, what it means not to have it, what it means to not have it and then have it, all of those sort of transitions in our life. So I think that money really.

Lauren [10:09] It impacts our culture in more and less ways than we think. I think we think it means more.
And then there are thousands of examples of people who say, I got the money and it didn't fix the thing.
And so it is everything and nothing all at once. Which is what I think makes it a complex topic.
Endless. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and obviously money just saying money.
There's so many rabbit holes we could go down because that's I mean, that's so broad.
But when you think about like our attitudes towards money, how does it affect our behaviors and choices, relationships, that kind of thing?

Lauren [10:52] I think there's a couple of really core attitudes around money and they sort of revolve around attachment styles.
So when we look at avoidance and money worship and financial anxiety, and ultimately a lot of the time it is all financial anxiety and it manifests itself in different ways, whether that be avoidance or worship, like sort of that chase.
But it ends up being a reflection of your other relationships, how you attach to the people, because money affects your interpersonal relationships, you know, romantically, intergenerationally, your relationships at work.
Because it's sort of a through line of all of these relationships, and relationship is sort of the core for me of how I approach money, it's going to determine our love language, it's going to determine our sense of worthiness, it's going to determine a defensiveness, right?
If your closest people are in a certain bracket of money and that means something, right?
That's part of an identity, it's how you relate for you or for them to sort of elevate out of that income bracket, is going to bring up a lot of stuff around, am I worthy?

Lauren [12:18] Are they worthy? Why not me? All of the behaviors really. Are impacted by how money comes and goes in your life, whether or not you feel that you're a good steward of that money. And I keep giving you really broad stuff, but like an example would be. You know, being unable to accept money. So for example, I work in the healing industry.

And when I first started in massage therapy, I used to be completely unable to accept the fee at the end of the massage. So I hid behind an administrator and every once in a while, they wouldn't be there. And I'd have to like go to the desk and say like, Oh, that'll be a hundred dollars, please. Even if their benefits were covering it, I still was like, Oh, it feels weird.

Yeah. It's too, it's like, Oh, and I had a client hand me a $20 bill and I just like reflexively, like, look, I handed it back to her. And she was like, Oh, and so now she thinks she's insulted me, but really I've just had some sort of like internal crisis about worthiness and, and experience. And like, am I deserving of this? And, and she's going, Oh shoot. Like I just insulted her. Like, and then, yeah. And I, I cost myself $20 in that moment. And then that person has come every four weeks to this day, 11 years later. Wow. Wow. Right. And she has never attempted to be again.

Lauren [13:56] Right. Like I know now. Yeah. Yeah. So had I in my younger years done more work around, deserving the word deserving privilege experience, like just confidence in my craft and like self-trust, then I might have been in a position to be able to expand that career a little bit more quickly, help more people, be able to, you know, help myself. There's all of of these little behaviors.

Lauren [14:30] And it's never about the money. It's about something else, right?
It's always just like an argument with a spouse or it's never really about how many tomatoes did you buy?
It was always about something way deeper than that and a sense of control and a sense of deserving and worthiness and all of those emotions that come with, you know, developing your brain and becoming a person in society.

Chrissy [14:55] Wow. Yeah. I mean, that was such a great example of, And I'm sure listeners can relate to either that or something very similar in their lives.
And that probably happens every single day. We don't even think about it.

Lauren [15:01] Right. Authors are going, Oh, I don't mind. I'm just happy to build my portfolio. Oh, I don't mind. You know, yeah. Five cents a word sounds good. You know, like we can really undersell ourselves and undersell our voice and our perspective so easily, regardless of how we were raised, under what conditions, I think everybody can kind of relate to moments of undervaluing what you can offer.

Chrissy [15:40] Absolutely. Yeah. And so a lot of kind of what you're saying makes me think of like mental health and like well-being and all these different things. How would you say money can help improve that? And kind of on that flip side, like, is there anything that that money can do to lead to increased stress and anxiety?

Lauren [15:55] Flip side is just the right word because it is the two sides of the same coin. And again, perspective, right? For me around physical and mental well-being, money provides access.

Lauren [16:20] So money is choice and access. So should I need medical care? I can afford insurance. Should I need paramedical care? I can go get a massage. I can get a facial and indulge in myself. I can go golfing and do the things that really helped me feel like a whole person that has more than like, wake up, work, clean the house, go to sleep, wake up, work, clean the house, go to sleep.
You know, if you're able to even get to all of those things.
Um, so to me, money allows for access for you to do an exploration of who you are and to nurture those parts of you that allow you to be your full expression.
And at the same time, if we don't do the relationship work with our money, with ourselves, who we are, why is this activating me?
Do I feel triggered here? Why am I reflexively handing money back to someone?

Lauren [17:22] Whereas now I can be like, oh, thank you and put it in my pocket and like end of the sentence.
If we don't do the work, then we get to the point and it's that story of, I have the money and I still feel lonely. I have the money and now everybody's asking me for it. I have the money and now I feel obligated to give it away. It can be more money, more problems, and it can be more money, more access, more choice, more love, more freedom, more time.
But it really, it is a reciprocal relationship. You have to be in communion with your money relationship in order to prevent it being anxiety.
I have had a client who had $100,000 sitting in an account, in a PayPal account.

Lauren [18:16] And she just, it was never going to be enough. Right.
And I thought like, okay, so we're talking about future funds and we're talking about it, you know, what to do in the event of an emergency.
You're not even, that's not enough. So that enough point, it was creating this stress for her and then for it to be in PayPal and PayPal to be able to leverage her money.
And she wasn't was stressing her out. And it was, we had to kind of look a little bit deeper, like, why is it that you're wanting it to to be here but so separate from you? And why is it that we can't pin down a number?

Lauren [18:55] That makes you feel safe. So it came with all this responsibility. It came with all of this childhood stuff that was reflecting into why she wasn't feeling safe.
Wow. Yeah. And so it's, yeah, it's everything and nothing.

Chrissy [19:10] Wow. Yeah. That got me thinking too. So is there a number, like a threshold that people can reach, or is it just so individual based on the person?

Lauren [19:20] I think it really is individual. It comes down to lifestyle. But I think the most common thing that I come across is people want to just not worry about it. They actually are striving toward neutrality. And it's something that I always say too, like, I want to go to the grocery store and not be doing like cost per gram on the cereal boxes. And I want to not be like, Ooh, all the coddles are 2 99, apparently.
Ooh, like I don't want to be doing.

Lauren [19:50] Mental math when I'm, when I'm purchasing everyday things. And I think that's what most people want is they want to just not have to sweat it so bad.
Right. They're not really looking for private jets and they're not really looking for Lamborghinis.
They're looking for, I would like a reliable Toyota and like, and to work three and a half days a week and just like enjoy my time and my family.
And that, when we talk about culture, I think is where it's starting to shift is people are really starting to value time and freedom over the material, which is going to create a big shift in our economy because we have an economy that's based on material goods.
Yeah, wow. That's super fascinating. It's immense. All of it is immense.
And I, I, when you approached me with the word money, I was like, oh dear.

Lauren [20:46] How long can we send? Yeah.
Which is, which is why it's a great career because it's, it's, it's immense.
Right. And it's kind of like, what do you want to be when you grow up?
It's like, well, I could be anything, which is completely paralyzing.
What do you want to do with your money? What do you want your money to do for you?
Like, I don't know. Right, I want people to be able to dream and to have an answer for that thing.
You know, I want my money to give me the sense of safety when I put my head on the pillow.
And so I think for most people, the number is knowing that they have sort of a runway, at least for now, for me, it was the first step was like one month.
If my bank account could have one month worth of all of the bills, then I can set everything on auto.
I can just like delegate that work and free up my mind to start actually feeling safe enough to dream, to look further than next pay period, to look further than the end of the weekend. You know, it's so hard when you're feeling bogged down by money.

Lauren [21:57] And once you can do that, And then you can start to do that in the other parts of your life too.
Absolutely, yeah. You don't have to go to the grocery store and feel like, oh, those avocados.
I know, I mean, right now everything, eggs. I know you guys are having an egg craziness.
Yeah. But it is, there are people who exist who don't notice when that's $1 more at this grocery store than it is at that grocery store.
And that's the freedom of being able to say, well, it was within 20 or $30 to go here versus there.
And that's not making a big difference at the end of the month. Right.
And that's what people want. Yeah.

Chrissy [22:50] So when someone signs up for a discovery call with you and is asking for their current financial challenges, what would you say are some of the top challenges people face?

Lauren [22:54] One very common one is...
I have this new job, I'm making lots of money and I have no idea where it's going.
And so it's that avoidance is probably the most common thing that I see, where.

Lauren [23:01] You know, somehow it's working out. Maybe it's not, maybe they're going into debt every month, but it seems to be working. But I know that I don't really have my finger on the pulse. And I know that I don't want to be three years down the line and go, how do my in a worse off position and making twice as much as I used to make.
And how do I slow this lifestyle creep? Because as soon as I made more, I spent more.
And so what is it with that? Right?
I'm making more and I'm spending more and I do not feel safe to hold any of this wealth.
I don't feel safe. I mean, I've struggled with that myself. Like, yeah, I mean, that's fine. Guilty, guilty.
So of course, without giving everything away, what would you say is like a top tip to like help in that situation. I think for those who are already reaching out, you've already taken that first step. Like anything, you know, it's a Google question away. Yeah. You know that there is just like an expansive amount of content that can give you the answer to that. No matter where you live or what products you want to use or what is your specific scenario, there is a blog post I'm just speaking specifically to you.
But again, it's that there's so much and therefore I don't know what to do.
I'm paralyzed. And so if you can get.

Lauren [24:23] Feeling safe enough that you can ask for help. And whether that is a debt counselor, a money coach, just a friend who's willing to talk about pay steps, partner in your household, a family member.
Sometimes that's complex and hard and certainly nobody wants to tell their parents they have a bunch of debt, right?
Like, oh, not that they taught you any better, but like. Yeah, right, right, right.
Not that they ever showed you how to do this, but it's, it's, it's constantly changing.
And so if you're able to create enough safety and that's where professionals are great, but if you're able to create enough safety for yourself by listening to podcasts, by reading blogs, by doing those things, to be able to even know what your question is, because that's the first part it's so people get so overwhelmed again, because it's tied to all of our relationships.
All of our activities are tied to this one thing.
Why did I go get that degree? Why didn't I do, why didn't I just do refrigeration repair?
Like my dad told me to do like all of these things that we kind of just like, and so it's coming at you from all sides and you're just like suspended in jello.
And you're just trying to find some thing to push off of if you, and if you can But allow that sense to be safety and that just one thing, just do one thing.

Lauren [25:51] And you know, the first step is just look, open your mail. Don't even do anything with it.
Just open it. Just open it. Open your bank account. Don't do anything.
Just open it and go, okay, what do I even have in terms of accounts?
Just get a lay of the land.
And then one more little thing. really, really like micro steps for a lot of people. There's a a lot of trauma and a lot of.
Like, you know, little t trauma and big T trauma around money, a lot of direct and indirect messaging that we've received what it means, what is money and what does it mean if I have it?
Yeah. Wow. I can tell you have a wealth of not, well, I didn't even try to.

Chrissy [26:35] A wealth of knowledge. I mean, like you said, it kind of sounds like a lot of like bouncing, bouncing ideas or just like talking it out as part of that process too.

Lauren [26:38] Absolutely, absolutely. And I think being able to hear, like to say things out loud and hear it reflected back to you, whether that's with a coach or a counselor or a friend or a family member, it allows you to go, Oh, is that true? Do I want that to continue to be true? Does that pattern exist in the other parts of my life? Where else does this pattern show up? And how would I like to interrupt that pattern. And then here are some tactical things you can do. You know, if you're a visual learner, here's how we can sort of lay this out for you.
We can create some guardrails so that you have less to think about. We can focus on, here's what you could spend without guilt or remorse or shame. And then these things, we're going to set up the robots and allow all of the things that you told me were important to be under control and all you have to focus on is one thing instead of all of the things.
That's great. Yeah.

Chrissy [27:48] You got me a lot to think about just in my own personal stuff. So this is good.

Lauren [27:50] Totally. Totally. There's that's why I was so scared when you said the word money because I was I just thought, oh, dear, we are wading into the waters. And once you do, there's there's just so many rocks to turn over, you know, I mean, you can make a whole podcast just on all these different time. I mean, there are like, there's so many things out there.
We could take this episode and break apart every sentence into its own. Yeah. It ends up being, something that the more you think about it, the more you're like, oh, I need a life preserver.

Chrissy [28:27] Right. Starting to see myself down here. Yeah. Going back to what you're saying, like, just one thing, like, just focus on one thing.

Lauren [28:30] Just one thing. Yeah. Yeah. Just do the next right thing to borrow from frozen, right? Just yeah. Just do one thing. And if it's not right, you'll find out. And do you guys have a whose line is it anyway? Or did you have that? Yeah. Yeah. I always loved that. Like it's all made up and the points don't matter. Yep. And I sort of remind myself that all the time that I might make a choice and just mess my finances up really badly. And ultimately it'll be okay.
Yeah.
You know, and it's, it's okay. And you can, you know, course correct and make a different decision, and give yourself compassion. The future version of you that's bound to mess up the past version of you that has messed up or your present version perceives that as a mess up, but you're doing the best that you can with what you know.

Chrissy [29:28] Yeah, that's super reassuring. And I think it goes back to what you're saying with your like core, core values or with the joy and things like that, like security and gratitude. Yeah. Yep. Yep.
Exactly. Well, I mean, I know we could talk forever about this, but as we kind of wrap up the conversation, this is kind of the part of the episode where I ask each of my guests to share a unique piece or reflection related to the word, whether it's fiction, nonfiction, poem, personal experience. And for the listeners, Lauren wrote this in advance, and I'm really excited to hear what her piece is about the word money. So without further ado, Lauren, let us know what you're sharing with us and feel free to read it.

Lauren [30:01] Okay, well, I'm an Enneagram 8 and vulnerability is part of my personal journey. And I sat down to write and I was like, I'll just like, look through other things that I've written. And I thought, it's too broad, and I need something specific and and then I sort of went broad again because it is so unique and so personal, how you interpret and how you view money and I ended up kind of writing a poem. I'm not a poet.
It doesn't rhyme but my like 15-year-old self was like re-traumatized.
Oh no. Oh no. I used to write so much moody poetry and so we're back there somehow. Oh no.

Lauren [30:55] So it's not that bad, but I did have like a very cringy panic about 30 minutes before our call because I thought, oh no. OK, here we go.
What is Chrissy doing to me? Yeah, well, she's really stretching me here in my in my journey. Yeah.
So money.
Money is a limitless metaphor in an ever-changing landscape.
It is both the hero and the villain, the problem and the solution.
Money is a constant current of truth and lies, complex and simple, nuanced and blunt.
This currency projects and reflects our attachments, our avoidance and anxiety, to security, gratitude and joy.
It is our expression of love and choice, of power and control.
Our expressions of outward worship and inward belief. Money is a blueprint of our relationships, an access point to our shadows, and a vessel to carry our light.
Money is everything, money is nothing, and money is all that exists between.

Chrissy [32:02] That was so good. I kept getting goosebumps like throughout the whole thing.
Like they'd go away and then they'd come back. No, thank you. I had like a cringe attack. So, we did it. We did it. Oh, that was so good. I think it really like encapsulated, a lot of what we talked about today too. Yeah. I think your questions kind of inspired it. And it it was that like inability to pin it down.
It's an abstract concept. So there's no like pinning it to the wall.
It's this ever changing organism that we can't, you know, and how we interact with it is always going to be changing.
As soon as we know, as soon as we think we know, right? It's when everything's going to turn upside down.
Yeah, exactly. Which- Life.
Life, yeah. I know. Yeah, seriously, life, money, whatever. I mean, they're big words, you know?
They're big words, yeah.
Well, thank you so much, Lauren. This has been phenomenal, and I could pick your brain for hours, and I appreciate your time and energy and learning more about your expertise around money, finances, and all the good things.
Oh, well, thank you for holding this space, and I appreciate the opportunity.

[33:16] Music.

Chrissy [33:29] Today's book recommendation is Get Good with Money: Ten Simple Steps to Becoming Financially Whole by Tiffany Aliche.
Get Good With Money introduces the powerful concept of building wealth through financial wholeness, a realistic, achievable, and energizing alternative to the get rich quick schemes and overcomplicated money management systems.
With helpful checklists, worksheets, a toolkit of resources, and advanced advice from experts who Tiffany herself relies on, the budgetnista boosters, Get Good With Money gets crystal clear on the short-term actions that lead to long-term goals.
Before we wrap up this episode, I encourage you to grab a pen and paper, a notebook, or your phone to write down your answer to these questions.
Feel free to pause and come back to these later as well.
How does money shape your perception of success and happiness?
What is your top financial challenge and what can you do to address it?
How has money affected your behaviors, relationships, and choices?
If you have any thoughts on this episode, suggestions for a future show.

[34:37] Music.

Chrissy [34:46] Or if you or someone you know wants to be a guest on the show, contact me via my website at www.chrissyholm.com.
That's C-H-R-I-S-S-Y-H-O-L-M.
Thanks for listening to episode 14 of Stirred By Words, Meditations and Conversations About Writing and Wellness.
This has been your host, Chrissy Holm. Tune in to future podcast episodes, and until next time, keep learning new words, stay healthy, and stay curious, my friend.

[35:15] Music.