FAITHFUL: How to stay true to yourself in a world that pressures us to conform

Chrissy opens today’s episode with a body-scan meditation for feeling supported, then shares the definition of the word FAITHFUL, and invites us to consider the question: how do you stay faithful to yourself and your values in a world that pressures us to conform?

Podcaster Amber White also joins the conversation to share her journey as a formerly faithful, which she talks about on her podcast Now I See. Together, Chrissy and Amber discuss the power of commitment and how her enactment of being faithful has changed throughout her life.

Then Chrissy shares this week’s book recommendation, Belief Without Borders by Linda Mercadante.

And in the end, Chrissy encourages you to ask yourself:

• How do you stay faithful to yourself and your values in a world that pressures us to conform?
• How does being faithful to a particular religion or belief system impact your decisions and actions in life?
• How does faithfulness relate to your sense of purpose?

☀️ My memoir, Finding Sunlight, is here! Learn more & order your copy today

Transcript

[0:00] Music.

[0:10] Hi, welcome to Stirred by Words, a podcast that uses the power of words to unlock your writing and wellness practices. I'm your host, Chrissy Holm, writer, editor, and wellness advocate.
This show is about my love for words, writing, and wellness, and I'm passionate about learning from others. Grateful to have you join us.
Today's meditation is inspired by this week's word, faithful. This week we'll be doing a body scan meditation to help us notice body sensations and release some tension and stress that you might be feeling in your body. To begin, either sit or lie down. Close your eyes and take a few deep.

[0:49] Music.

[1:11] Throughout this meditation, bring to mind a time in your life when you were faithful to something or someone. Maybe it's a moment you felt completely supported by someone. Allow that feeling to fill your mind and your body.
Now let's pay attention to each of the parts of your body. If you feel any tension or discomfort, try to relax that area with your breath.

[1:36] Music.

[6:00] Now it's time for today's word, faithful. Merriam-Webster has a few definitions for the adjective faithful. Here are a few.
Said fast in affection or allegiance, firm in adherence to promises or an observance of duty, true to the facts, to a standard, or to an original.
Here are a few fun facts about the word faithful. The first known use of the adjective faithful was in the 14th century.
According to brainyquote.com, Mother Teresa said, "'Be faithful in small things, "'because it is in them that your strength lies.'" Faithful can be used to describe things such as a person's character, a relationship, or a religious setting.
Other synonyms for faithful include loyal, devout, dedicated, staunch, and true.

[6:52] Today's question is, how do you stay faithful to yourselves and your values in a world that pressures us to conform?
I'll start off by saying, this can be an incredibly difficult thing to do.
Especially growing up, I chose to conform to what I believed that the church wanted me to, and that's really how I felt safe.
Something that helps me is to surround myself with people who support and encourage me to be my true self.
I'm also working on constant self-awareness and reflection. self-care is just so crucial for me to stay true to who I am. I need to keep coming back to my inner self and my body to really understand what makes me unique. By practicing self-care, that means yoga, writing, reading, and everything in between. It allows me to remember what my values are, to stay faithful and true to myself, regardless of what the world says.

[7:46] Music.

[7:59] Today's guest is Amber White. Amber White, a former faithful of the independent fundamentalist Baptist variety and host of the podcast, Now I See, eye-opening stories from the formerly. She started this podcast to provide a platform for herself and other former faithfuls to tell their stories.
Her hope is that together we can lift each other up and shed some light on the dark places where so many religious institutions hide their dirty secrets, while inspiring each other to live bold, self-directed lives.
Lives. I'm happy to have her join us today. Welcome, Amber.

[8:32] Hello, Amber! Welcome to the show! Amber Hi! I'm so excited to be here.
Angela Yes, I am super pumped to talk with you and let's just dive right in.
Amber Do it! Angela Yeah! Woohoo! So, as a former faithful yourself, and with our word of the episode being faithful, I'm going to say faithful again, but what does the concept of being faithful mean to you?
Amber Oh, so I really can't think about the word faithful without thinking about the word commitment. You know, like, whether it's the way I learned it or the way I think about it still or the way I've developed learning it, all of the above. I just think about being deeply committed to something on every level, right? So, spiritually, mentally, physically, you are being faithful to something. You're committed to it. And I have a hard time untangling those two ideas. To me, they're almost one in the same, but I think faithful has a few other connotations. So, I can also think of faithful in the concept of monogamous relationships, right? And partnerships. And I think of faithful a lot with religion, right? With faith. Because I think it takes on a different connotation in those spaces. Like you're committed to only believing that God is this one thing or you're committed to thinking and being faithful to the way that we do things and the way we expect you to behave. And so, it has some of that going on too, but I'd say my current concept is really just the idea of being committed.

[9:59] Yeah, I mean that that's right. They're not right or wrong, but like that makes sense to tie those two together and in various aspects of your life too, right?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think about the way I've developed my idea of faithfulness over time, and it's never not been about commitment. Like a deep choosing and active work towards.

[10:23] It's maintaining that thing that you've committed to.
Absolutely. And then thinking kind of like you're saying, part of your history, I mean, you're growing up learning these types of things.
So tell us a little bit more about your journey. Like how has faithfulness influenced your understanding of, well, faith and like religion, spirituality, that type of thing influenced your thoughts on commitment or faithfulness?
Yeah, that's a broad one. That's one that had me thinking a little bit as I was preparing for this podcast, because I think when I was younger and I was growing up in a fundamentalist Baptist church, I was growing up in a deeply conservative family in a deeply conservative small town. The idea of faithful wasn't even so much about actually being faithful so much as looking faithful, so much as performing faithfulness for your community and for the people who have authority over you, whether you want them to or not. And so it really used to have this very performative, I have to do this thing, I have to, without much thinking about.

[11:29] Do I actually give a shit about this? Do I really want to be this kind of faithful? Do I want to be faithful to this thing? Do I want to be faithful to this idea? Why am I doing this? And so, when I think of the way that faithfulness has developed for me over time, I think of it as shifting from this performative, fear-based behavior to choices that I make in being faithful to things that I do give a shit about now. Right. Right. Now that I'm older. Yeah.

[12:02] That definitely makes sense. So like when I guess kind of on that same thought of like things that you give a shit about, like how do you know, and maybe this is a weird question, but like how do you know for yourself of maybe something you thought you cared about or give a shit about back then? Yeah. How did that shift? Like a lot of things have shifted that I thought I gave a shit about, right? I think a lot about purity culture when I think about this. And you and I have gotten to have a few awesome discussions about purity culture, but I really thought that I, gave a shit about not kissing before I was married. I really thought I gave a shit about that.
Right. And the truth is I just did it. When I really thought about it, it really took me all of a couple minutes to be like, wait, that's actually kind of stupid. I'm not interested in that idea at all. And I know so many people who did and have delightful relationships, who've been married for a long time, and they're happy. So maybe this isn't that much of an indicator of...

[13:04] Goodness at all or happiness or any of the things that I really actually want out of my life.
And then I think about evangelism a lot because I used to think I really cared about being the best evangelist in the world. I tried so hard to be a great evangelist when I was like 10 years old.
And yeah, I now just don't really enjoy pushing beliefs on other people. Sure, think what you think. Like, I don't, you could think what you think about me. Like, I don't even care about that anymore. Like, it's just, it's such a shift. It's such an evolution in the way that I have grown and decided, you know, I do care about this. I don't care about this. And it's, it's just growth really, like, and learning who you are and accepting who you are and being really happy about that makes it a lot easier to choose what to be faithful through.
Oh, absolutely. And I feel like your values throughout like kind of life change and your like you said your views your perspectives and.

[14:04] Yeah, I know so kind of thinking about people going through different transformations I know in your podcast now I see I opening stories from the formerly faithful You talked to a lot of guests who have been through.

[14:18] Similar experiences and shedding light on those who have gone through those things So, what have been one or two of the key takeaways or insights that you've learned from your guests on your show?
Oh my goodness. My guests teach me so much more than I anticipated when I walked into this.
I've released, I'm coming up on 13 episodes this coming week, and I just, even listening back to them, it's amazing what I learn from these remarkable people who've taken on the remarkable task of unlearning.
A value system that was ingrained in them. And ingrained is a soft word for it. It's really, I mean, a lot of these folks were truly brainwashed and I would say that I was one of them. And it is something else to tear that apart and rebuild from it and the things that you lose and have to work through later in life that other people have already worked through when they were younger and they were, you know, developing a sense of self. It's tough. And so, as far as faithfulness is concerned, what I've learned from them and what I see in them often is how faithful they are becoming and have been to themselves, right? Like they traded in being faithful to an idea, being faithful to the people who had expectations of them that they.

[15:38] Did not align with, and they've traded that in for being faithful to who they see themselves to be and who they want to become. And so, it's a choice that they made and a choice they get to keep making. And it's super cool. And one of my last questions on the podcast is actually, what have been some of your greatest moments of joy in rebuilding your life after this?
And you get to see a lot of the outcome of that choice, that faithfulness choice in that answer.
And people who are like reconnecting with their inner child and learning how to be playful again, and people who just love themselves or people who rediscovered God for themselves. It's amazing.
So I think I've just learned the power of what it looks like to take faithfulness.
And turn it inward first. Yeah, before it was like you're faithful to some entity, some.

[16:28] Other thing, and a lot of times you are not that priority. I know we kind of talked about this before too, but like it's just bringing it back to serving yourself, I guess. Right, and you think about, you know, you know this well too. When you're in a fundamentalist realm, especially.

[16:46] Almost everything you're trying to be faithful to is external, and you're living for that external praise because that is what you're told you're supposed to do. And so, you do it and you commit yourself to it and you're really in it. And so, it is really a journey to turning that faithfulness in and prioritizing yourself over that external validation. It's tough stuff. It's worth it.
Yeah, I mean it's a process, never-ending either, I sometimes feel.
It's true. It's true, yeah.
Yeah, so, I mean, how about you? Like how do you feel, like what are one of the big things that you've learned about maybe, your faithfulness or like how do you stay kind of committed to either yourself or to something else that's helped you kind of move forward in life and grow?
Yeah. You know, I think like everybody, I struggle with that, right? I want to make a commitment to myself, like, I'm going to get up at 530 and go to the gym. That never happens. So I've learned to stop making that commitment, right?
So some of it is learning what's realistic with who you are as a person and what you actually want.
And then I think there are some things that I push myself to do no matter what.
And one of those things is therapy.

[18:02] I am religious about going to therapy. I'm very, very deeply faithful and committed to that process because I've seen, once you find a good therapist who works well with you and that helps you really see things in a clear way, it's worth being faithful to. I've seen great impact in my mental health, in my ability to feel good about myself and my choices, in being able to assess what relationships are actually good for me and what aren't, when somebody is being a great friend, partner, parent, whatever, and when they're not. And it really has helped me unpack so much of that. So I'd say that's one of my favorite things that I have chosen to be faithful to.
And then there, on the flip side of that, there are things that I wish I were a little more faithful to myself in, right? Like, you know, maybe I should be lifting weights a little more, like instead of just walking on my treadmill, you know, like things like that. And it's like, like with everybody, it's like this flowing thing where I'm picking and choosing and learning what I need and then just kind of doing it.

[19:03] Sometimes when I really don't want to, which is, sometimes I'm sitting in therapy and I'm like, I don't like that you're right about this right now and I want you to not.
Like you're just nailing it. But I'm still committed to it. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I just, it's really mean that you said that about me, that's true.
It's exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, but stop. But don't. Don't do that. Or, you know, like, going to bed sometimes is a tough one for me because I want to stay up forever, like, doing whatever I want. It's great to stay up and do whatever you want when you're an adult. Yeah. And your day is packed full of things that you have to do and don't necessarily want to do. And so, like, there's little minor things like that.
And then there are big things, like, big life changes, like the podcast. That was a big one for me. You know, that meant being really open about my opinions and thoughts and experiences, and people who I knew for a very long time got to hear that. And it definitely caused a shift in the way that they think.

[20:06] Think about me and communicate with me or don't anymore. And, you know, that brings heartache, that brings tough, tough, hard, hard, long, deep-seated feelings of, you know, not enoughness to the surface. But I've decided to be really faithful and committed to keeping it going.

[20:26] And I believed in it, and I believed it was the right thing to do for a reason. And I still believe was the right thing to do. And so, sticking with it through that hard stuff, I'd say it's another really good one for me lately.
Yeah, definitely. There's a lot of like, that balance between like, mind and body. I mean, we were talking a little bit about those things, but it sounds like there's a lot of, it's kind of like acceptance that things aren't gonna be easy and these conversations aren't going to be great always, but in the end, does it feel more freeing than sitting in silence? It does. It does. And it's worth it. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's a faithfulness that I get to choose, that I get to make. Definitely. That's based on my ideals and what, I know to be true and right and good. And I think that makes a world of difference.
Absolutely. I think so, too. So, since you've kind of, you know, stepped out of fundamentalist Baptist church community or deconstructed or whatever term you use, how do you balance like the desire to have new experiences while maintaining like being faithful to some of these other areas in your life, like the podcast?

[21:42] Yeah. Sometimes I don't, right? Sometimes I just don't maintain a very good balance around it. And that's just part of life, right? And in other ways, I just, I pick my battles.
So, I say, okay, I need to be faithful to this thing today. But tomorrow.

[22:02] It's going to take the backseat and I'm going to put this other thing first. And, you know, one of those things that comes up for me a lot is I do still enjoy spirituality, but it's very broad and very vague and it's very, you know, it's like tarot and astrology. It's very, you know, light-hearted, but it's still very important to me because it's time for self-reflection.
In ways that you often don't get throughout the day. But I will put it completely on the back burner if I'm like, oh, no, I'm behind on a tiny work project that's very inconsequential.
And so it's kind of thought pattern retraining, right? And then just trying to be more conscious.
But the truth is, I'm working it out like everybody else. I don't know that I am always that balanced. No. Yeah. But I try. Well, and it goes back, it's not about perfection. It's just trying to figure out we're human right like we're not trying to find that like when you were saying earlier about like faithfulness and versus like true faithfulness or a show it's not like you're trying to put on a show for it's you're finding balance that sometimes balls drop and that's okay.

[23:07] Yeah and sometimes it doesn't make sense to anybody but me right and that's okay too to.
Exactly. Yeah. So, I know we're kind of nearing the end of the conversation, and this is the part of the episode where I ask each of my guests to share a unique piece or reflection related to a word, whether it's fiction, nonfiction, poem, or personal experience.
And of course, Amber, you wrote this in advance, and I'm really excited to hear what your piece is on the word faithful. So without further ado, Amber, just let us know what you're sharing and feel free to read it.
Yeah, thank you. super excited because I've been enjoying writing a lot, but I rarely get opportunities to do it.
So it felt really neat to have a reason to write a piece. So I don't know what you'd call it.
It could be a long-form journal entry, honestly, but I titled it Growing Up Faithful. And I wrote.

[23:58] I'm somewhere between seven and 10 and on the healing side of a bad batch of poison ivy that left large oozing spots on my face. My mom says, we're not going to church today, and I feel an overwhelming relief. I never told her just how good it felt to not have to go.
Or how much guilt I had over feeling that way. I should have had an attitude toward church that is good. I could be more faithful. I'm somewhere between 9 and 12, and I'm sweating in the airplane seat as I wrestle with myself over witnessing to the grown man sitting next to me.
I really don't want to, but how can I be ashamed of my faith, of God, and how can I have his immortal soul's proverbial blood on my hands because I'm too scared to share the gospel with him. I have to be good. I have to be faithful. I'm somewhere between 14 and 16, and I'm nervous about the swimsuit portion of a pageant competition I'm in. Most of the girls wear bikinis, but I know my body is only for my future husband, and I don't want to tempt any men in the audience with it.

[25:04] I am so good. I am so faithful. I'm somewhere between 17 and 18, and I defy even my parents' questioning to attend a fundamentalist institution to educate me in a biblical worldview for the glory of God. I say all the right things. I pack up all the right clothes. I'm probably going to marry a pastor or a missionary. It will be so good. I will be even more faithful. I'm somewhere between 19 and 20. I come face to face with a broken theology, and I see it clearly for the first time. Come to think of it, there's a lot of broken theology around here. This isn't adding up.
This doesn't make sense. This can't be good. I don't know if I can be faithful.
I'm somewhere between 22 and 27. A lot has changed since I packed my bags and went to a secular college. I'm really lost and really scared, but I'm taking risks and trying.

[26:09] I'm still somewhere between the old me and what I hope I'm becoming. I lean on red wine a little too much. The people I date sure do lie and hurt my feelings a lot. They seem really into everything but taking me seriously. Being four hours late without calling is normal, right? But they're good. They don't have to be that faithful. Now I'm somewhere between 34 and the rest of my life.
I've taken bigger chances than I thought I could. I've traveled, devoured novels and delicious meals, and educated myself on the world around, me. I've been married and divorced.
It's rare that I see the bottom of a wine bottle these days.
I have a walking pad under my desk where a stack of books on the topic that I'm trying to make my future sits.
I love being in therapy.
I have collected a myriad of skills, experiences, and hard-learned lessons.
I hope there will be a lot more.
I stopped kissing people who don't taste like stability sprinkled with joy, and now I'm marrying someone who makes me feel like we can have the best of the whole world, right in our living room.
I love myself. I take care of myself. I see a life ahead of me that is good, because to myself, I am faithful.".

[27:31] That was so good.
Wow. Thanks. It was beautiful to reflect on last night. Yeah, I just love that you take us really through time and there's so much emotion in each age and how it shows like your dedication to that faithfulness and even what we were talking about before of like how it's faithful to the external and then it ends with faithfulness to yourself as well.
Yeah. It was interesting writing this because I could feel each version of that self as I was writing it, right? Like in my body, it showed up differently each stage. It was a really cool experience.
That's great. Yeah. Well, when you write your memoir, let me know. I will read it.
I don't know if I'll make it through.
I might get dehydrated from crying first. It happens.
No. Yeah, right. No, that was really good and I can't thank you enough for sharing that part of yourself and just in general, thank you for being on the show and really appreciate your time and energy here today, Amber.
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure. Thank you.

[28:41] Music.

[28:52] Today's book recommendation is Belief Without Borders, Inside the Minds of the Spiritual but Not Religious by Linda A. Mercadante. The last 20 years have seen a dramatic increase in the nuns people who do not claim any religious affiliation. These nuns now outnumber even the largest Protestant denominations in America. They are not to be confused with secularists, however for many of them identify themselves as spiritual but not religious, SBNR.
The response to this dramatic change in American religion has been amazingly mixed.
While social scientists have been busy counting and categorizing them, the public has swung between derision and adulation.
Some complain nuns are simply shallow deletants, narcissistically concerned with their own inner world.
Others hail them as spiritual giants and groundbreaking pioneers.
Rarely, however, have these nuns been asked to explain their own views, beliefs, and experiences.
In Belief Without Borders, theologian and one-time SBNR Linda Mercadante finally gives these individuals a chance to speak for themselves.

[29:59] This volume is the result of extensive observation and nearly 100 in-depth interviews with SBNRs across the United States.
Mercadante presents SBNR stories, shows how they analyze their spiritual journeys, and explains why they reject the claims of organized religion.
Surprisingly, however, Mercadante finds these SBNRs within as well as outside the church.
She reveals the unexpected emerging latent theology with this group, including the interviewees' creative concepts of divine transcendence, life after death, human nature, and community.
The conclusions she draws are startling. Despite the fact that SBNRs routinely discount the creeds and doctrines of organized religion, Many have devised a structured set of beliefs, often purposeful in opposition to doctrines associated with Christianity.
Belief Without Borders is a captivating exploration of a growing belief system certain to transform the spiritual character of America.

[31:01] Before we wrap up the episode, I encourage you to grab a paper and pen, notebook, or phone to write down your answers to these questions.
How do you stay faithful to yourselves and your values in a world that often pressures us to conform?
How does being faithful to a particular religion or belief system impact your decisions and actions in life?
How does faithfulness relate to your sense of purpose?
Feel free to pause the episode and come back to these questions later.
If you have any thoughts on this episode, suggestions for a future episode, or if you or someone you know wants to be a guest on the show, contact me via my website at www.chrissyholm.com.
C-H-R-I-S-S-Y H-O-L-M.
Thanks for listening to another episode of Stirred by Words, meditations and conversations about writing and wellness. This has been your host, Chrissy Holm.
Tune in to future podcast episodes, and until next time, Keep learning new words, stay healthy, and stay curious.

[32:06] Music.