ACCEPTANCE: Learning to accept ourselves & others

Chrissy opens today’s episode with a mantra meditation, then shares the definition of the word ACCEPTANCE, and invites us to consider the question: What are some common barriers to acceptance in ourselves and others?

Chrissy is also joined by her husband Scott for a special conversation about her new book, Finding Sunlight! Together, Chrissy and Scott discuss the meaning of acceptance, how Chrissy wrote her book, and the role of self-love in accepting yourself and others.

Then Chrissy shares this week’s book recommendation, It Shouldn't Be This Way: Learning to Accept the Things You Just Can’t Change by Janina Scarlet.

And in the end, Chrissy encourages you to ask yourself:

• What are some common barriers to acceptance both in ourselves and others?
• How can you cultivate a greater sense of acceptance in your life?
• How has acceptance or lack thereof impacted your relationships with others? Have you ever struggled to accept someone else for who they are?

☀️ My memoir, Finding Sunlight, is here! Learn more & order your copy today

Transcript

[0:00] Music.

[0:09] Hi, welcome to Stirred by Words, a podcast that uses the power of words to unlock your writing and wellness practices.
I'm your host, Chrissy Holm, writer, editor, and wellness advocate.
This show is about my love for words, writing, and wellness, and I'm passionate about learning from others. Grateful to have you join us.
Today's meditation is inspired by this week's word, acceptance.
This week, we're going to be focusing on a few mantras. Find a comfortable seat and close your eyes.
Take a few deep breaths.

[0:49] Music.

[2:10] Notice any thoughts or feelings that come up with repeating this phrase.
Don't push the thoughts away, but rather observe and acknowledge them.
Take a breath in and out.

[2:24] Music.

[2:34] Next, repeat one of the following phrases in a soft whisper or think silently to yourself.
I release resistance and embrace acceptance.
I release resistance and embrace acceptance.
Or, I am open to receiving whatever this moment has to offer.
I am open to receiving whatever this moment has to offer.
Or just choose your own adventure and repeat whatever phrase resonates with you.
Make it up on your own. I release resistance and embrace acceptance.
I am open to receiving whatever this moment has to offer.

[3:30] Music.

[3:34] Keep breathing in and out.
Reflect on how you feel in this moment, repeating those phrases without judgment.
Simply reflect and take a moment to breathe in the stillness of this moment.

[4:03] Music.

[4:41] Now it's time for today's word, acceptance. Merriam -Webster has a few definitions for the noun acceptance, but I'll also break down the verb accept.
The first definition is the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable, and the act of accepting something or someone, the fact of being accepted.
The verb accept means to give admittance or approval to, to receive something offered willingly, and to make a favorable response to.
Here are a few fun facts about the word acceptance. The first known use of the noun acceptance was in 1530, and the first known use of the verb accept was the 14th century.
Phrases that contain the word acceptance are find acceptance, self -acceptance, and acceptance speech.
In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT, there's a term called radical acceptance, which is accepting the reality as it is and acknowledging what is happening.

[5:49] According to DialecticalBehavioralTherapy .com, it's about acknowledging the facts of a situation and finding peace to help you move forward.
Other synonyms for acceptance include obedience, approval, confirmation, and receptiveness.

[6:09] Today's question is, what are some common barriers to acceptance both in ourselves and others?
So for me, two common barriers come to mind. It's fear and lack of empathy.
Whether it's like a fear of the unknown or fear of change, it can be really difficult to connect to different ideas or people if we are sitting here and living in fear.
Not to say that fear is a bad emotion, it's really telling us something that might be dangerous or harmful, but really narrowing down and self -reflecting on maybe where that fear is stemming from.
For example, is it something you should truly be afraid of, or is it preventing you from taking new risks or trying new things?
I also think that there's a lack of empathy that's a barrier to acceptance.
If we don't understand other people's perspectives, whether it be due to race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, religion, and everything else in between, it might be hard to fully accept them.
We don't have to be like everyone, or think the same way, to have empathy and understanding toward one another.
By recognizing that people's experiences and perspectives are valid and important across all parts of their identity is good.

[7:29] Music.

[7:40] Today we have a very special guest that will be taking over the podcast and interviewing me instead.
Yesterday was the launch of my book, Finding Sunlight, and this person has really been so crucial to me on this journey.
Not only is he a character in my book, he's also my husband of almost seven years, and we've been together for about 12 years.
I'm happy to have him join and interview me. And for those of you who don't know, I'm Chrissy Holm, a writer, editor, project manager.
I'm usually the host of this Stirred by Words podcast where me and a guest or guests discuss words, writing, and wellness.
My writing has been featured on Everyday Health, National Council on Aging, and more.
I'm an alumni at the University of Minnesota Duluth where I've studied public health education and promotion.
I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota with my husband and child.
Without further ado, Welcome Scott and thank you for interviewing me on this special episode.

[8:39] Thank you for being on my show Scott. Yeah it's great to be here.
So for those of you that are listening we have a Scott Holm, my husband.
He is going to be our guest today except he will be interviewing me this week.
Our word is acceptance and Scott's gonna just kind of go through and ask me a few questions and I'm gonna respond, and this is really in honor of my book coming out, so I will turn the microphone over to you, Scott. Thanks.
What does acceptance mean to you, and what are some examples in your life?
To me, acceptance means recognizing and embracing the differences in people, without judgment or discrimination, and even if things differ from person to person, it's respecting it and acknowledging it.
Like, for example, you know, like accepting my queer identity, which is kind of what part of the book is about.
But I also see like acceptance with some of my friends. So even though we have different personalities and lives, we still like respect each other and love each other unconditionally.
What are your thoughts on that?
I agree with you completely on it. It can be tough to find people that are like that, right? Like that accept you to who you are.
Yes, it could be hard to find. It takes time.
You can go through a lot of, meet a lot of different people, but there's only a certain amount of groups, small groups or individuals that really accept you, who you are.

[10:09] Yeah. Based on your experiences with the church, what does it truly mean to be accepted in the church?
Is it simply attending the service or following the rules, or is there more to it?
I know it's something that you and I talked about a good amount or have in the past at least.
And I think growing up, it was more than just going to church and like following the rules.
You know, of course, that's less important. But how I grew up is like, how are you developing a relationship with God outside of church?
Are you practicing this daily?
And as you know, my church, like, I've talked about this with you, but like my church has preached about like love, forgiveness, compassion, and like all those things, and exemplifying these like attributes throughout daily life and serving the Lord.
So like, I think it was bigger than just come to church, it's, are you actually being that person day in and day out?
But what are your thoughts? What's your experience been like?

[11:12] I've always kind of stepped back with church and I always questioned everything, which Maybe the church that I attended, they didn't much care for me for that because I always challenged the system or question everything and ask why.
And they never came up with a good reason for a lot of my questions.
So I love that. Like, I love that you have the guts to ask why a lot of people don't.
Yeah, I was definitely the turd in the punchbowl.
Oh, well, I love that part about you. But what has the process for writing Finding Sunlight been like for you?
And what are some things you accepted on this journey?
Oh, good question. Well, I think, I mean, obviously, it's been a long journey, five years from hiking in the woods and dedicating myself to writing this book to now publishing with Wise Inc. It's been up and down.

[12:13] This is more for our listeners because you have been there and you've seen me go through that roller coaster of emotions.
But I think some of the things that I had to accept on this journey is, well, first, writing a book is fucking hard.
The tenacity to stick with it isn't easy. And especially someone like me, who is notorious for not finishing anything, which I know you can attest to, I think I just had to accept that if I truly wanted it to happen, I just would have to keep pushing even when I wanted to throw it away or start over, just kind of give up.
So that's kind of one thing I accepted. But then another thing I had to accept was some of the difficult conversations it would bring.
While I was writing, you know, I was interviewing family to fill in some of the gaps that I didn't know or like I needed a fuller picture.
And I just had to understand that everyone's perspective is slightly different.
And then just one more thing that I had to accept was really putting myself out there and potentially changing friendships, relationships, and so on.
Of course, I cannot predict some of the things that I've already experienced in publishing this, nor can I predict what will happen after it's out.
But I have to accept that it is what it is.
And actually, a term I just learned was radical acceptance.
It's just the facts are there, and my words are out in the world, and I just kind of have to accept what comes my way.
I'm gonna throw that question back at you because you've been along here.
What has the process been for watching me write Finding Sunlight?

[13:42] Oh, it's been an interesting process watching you go through this.
Definitely, it's a lot more time consuming than I never imagined.
But we are getting close to seeing the finish line, which is great to see that too.
But it's been a long journey. And I think patience has been the key.
Can't wait to go through it again.

[14:05] It says no one ever, right now. It's okay though. It's been fun.
You've, you've seen it all and I couldn't have done it without you like, yeah, I just it's happy to see you doing something that you like and love and you're actually pursuing it instead of just wait for that day to happen and you're making that day happen now.
So you've inspired me. You do the same thing day in and day out.
So, yeah, yeah, I definitely have a different route I go with, but yes, yeah, thank you. Yeah.
What roles has self -love played in your journey of finding and accepting love from others?
Self -love, I mean, for me, is difficult from time to time, but as I've learned more about it, it's really helped me to, like, accept love from others as well.
So, my expression of self -love is that setting boundaries, which you've helped me a lot with that.
And then also just communicating my needs.
Again, neither of those I'm very good at all the time, but practicing those things really just helped me to accept and recognize what genuine love is, not just someone faking it.
Yeah. Yeah. That's important.
Yeah. You got to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

[15:31] You're really good at this. So I'm going to throw back another question to you.
How do you set boundaries so well?
Like, like, what advice would you have for someone who maybe struggles with setting boundaries?
Yeah, it definitely comes natural for me. I don't know how I have it so ingrained in my head.
But I think for me, I like to break things down to where what needs to be done first and self -care is always number one. It should be.
Think about how you can actually take care of yourself first, right?
Yeah, like put yourself into that number one priority spot.
Right, take a step back and focus on yourself before you proceed forward with anybody else.
I know you are definitely a people pleaser, but taking a step back and really.

[16:24] Yeah, because like, yes, there might be that tendency to people, please, but you're not actually going to please somebody if you're not taking care of what you're not happy.
Yeah, if you're not happy, it's you're not given the proper love that you could be with somebody else, too.
So it's like, make sure you're happy before you try to spread the happiness to others or anybody else. Right. That makes sense.
Thank you. Thank you for I don't know if that was clear, but No, I mean, yeah, you put me on the spot.
So I know, but welcome to our relationship, right? Yeah. I don't know how to put it in words, really. I'm Johnny. I'm a star.
It's OK. That was good. That was Scotty. I'm sorry. Yeah.
How can we cultivate acceptance in our lives?
What are some practical strategies for accepting ourselves and others, even when it's difficult?

[17:21] I'm by no means an expert at this, but there are a few things that help me kind of cultivate that acceptance.
The first being like kind of what we're talking about self -care, but also like mindfulness specifically like so being present in a moment and not judging how I'm feeling, but rather just feeling it.
That's again, not always easy because if you're mad or you're sad or you're what you're feeling whatever, but it's just like, instead of saying you shouldn't feel that way, just kind of feeling it.
And then also like self -compassion is another big thing, kind of being kinder to myself and channeling. It's more of that like healthy inner talk instead of saying.

[18:00] You're a piece of shit because you thought this, you know, just acknowledging that you Are feeling that way and then just finally like empathy for others.
I don't have to fully understand the situation but Getting into someone's shoes can really help me to Accept their emotions and their feelings, Yeah, I agree with you on that completely It's you and I think alike.
Yeah, for the listeners, sometimes Scott will say things, he'll say something and I'm like, what, you literally just took the words out of my head.
I thought that like 10 seconds ago. It's so creepy.
That's why we work well together though. Yeah. In your opinion, what is the key to maintaining a loving and accepting relationship, up, even when it's through difficult times.

[18:54] This one's tough, but like I said in the last one, I'm not an expert.
And as you are my partner interviewing me, you might have a different opinion, but I think feeling comfortable sharing like my innermost thoughts and feelings is what's important to me.
And this goes along with communicating and actively listening to each other.
Again, it's not always easy, especially when things are heated, but taking a step back and just understanding each other's perspective is crucial, especially during those difficult times for me.

[19:26] Yeah. Yep. Kind of going forward with it, just take a step back and.
Yeah. I'm curious, what would you say is key to maintaining a loving relationship?
Putting you on the spot again. Yeah.
I would say, when times are tough, sometimes you're not gonna resolve everything through words.

[19:52] And especially raising a child together, there's times where, you know, we can't talk it out where the best thing to do is walk it out. And take a walk.
Those kind of actions are really benefit.
I mean, even for a 10 -minute walk can and make you step back and think about what you're feeling, what kind of emotions you are in, and how can I control them? How can I talk them out?
And taking 10 minutes or even an hour or two later and come back and hash it out, like it can really fix some of the toughest problems.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, we've done so much, like, I mean, hiking, yes, but obviously you can't.
If you're in the middle of taking care of a kid, You can't just go for a hike in Seattle wilderness, but yeah, you can't do a hundred mile hike and then come back and resolve it, right?
But I think you're right like just Literally taking that breather to just kind of five ten minute walk even yeah And obviously doing it together is helpful, but it's not always possible to so it goes back to that So I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah Gotta take turns. Yeah, especially with the child.
Yeah, but back in the day you and I could both easily go for a walk and.

[21:09] Talk it out easier, but yeah, but with a kid you figure out ways to slip it in like lunchtime talks Yeah, but we managed to do it even if it's a half an hour.
Yeah How do you think our past experiences and trauma can affect our ability to love and accept ourselves?
And others and what steps can we take to heal and move forward?

[21:37] Well, first of all, obviously, traumas and experiences can definitely impact us because it's like when you get a scrape or a scar, like it's going to be there.
I think part of it, it plays into like our self -esteem and self -worth, like how we feel about ourselves and it can impact like trust and how we make connections with others.
To me, it really starts with like acknowledging and processing what happened.
Whether you're talking it out or walking it out like we were just talking about with a loved one or a therapist or you know, someone there, you just got to take that time to kind of evaluate the situation, but then for the healing part of it, it's practicing some of that self care, whether it's for at least in my experience for me, writing or yoga or meditation or anything really in between walking, giving yourself that time to kind of process.
And heal is important, but also knowing that there might be setbacks.

[22:41] The process isn't linear and can I just kind of re -evaluate and prioritize that self -care again?

[22:48] Yeah, same. Again, you and I think exactly alike.
So this is the part of the conversation usually where I ask guests to share a piece or reflection related to a word, whether it's fiction, non -fiction, poem, or personal experience.
I'm going to read something from my book, Finding Sunlight, related to acceptance.
So, what I'm going to be reading is, it's towards the middle to end of the book, and it was right after my friend telling me that she's bisexual.
That year, Trixie told me she was bisexual. A thick feeling rose in my throat.
I tried to push away the memories that followed, begging me to consider what deep down I already knew about myself.
Trixie's parents accepted who she was, and I felt being gay was never an option for me.
Her parents wanted the best for her. I told myself my parents wanted the best for me too, but that didn't include being queer.
Even though college reaffirmed I could be gay, I didn't want to accept this part of who I was because I would be shunned by my parents and worse, banished to hell.
This fear weighed on me as if I were buried 10 feet deep alive." So that's kind of just a smidgen of what I've experienced with acceptance.
There's definitely a lot more in there.
Do you have Any final questions or thoughts for me?

[24:08] I'm glad to be on the show. Yeah. Great to be here.
Thank you. I appreciate you inter... Yeah, go ahead. This is what it's like.
Yeah. Welcome to the side. I don't know what... Yeah, this side.
I'm always on the other side of listening to your podcast.
Yeah. Is it as scary to jumping in here as I made it seem?
It's a little more intimidating, But listening to you, it's very, it seems like you're really relaxed. So cool.
Well, thanks again for interviewing me and not only accepting me in life and in love, but also for accepting that I'm putting time and effort into podcasting and writing and constantly figuring out who I am. So, yeah.
Well, it's great to see you doing something that makes you happy and that's what I'm here for. Love you. Love you.

[25:00] Music.

[25:11] Today's book recommendation is It Shouldn't Be This Way, Learning to Accept the Things You Just Can't Change, by Janina Scarlett.
Every life -changing experience, be it the loss of a function, a job, or a friendship, or the death of a loved one, can be excruciating.
Illness can forever alter our life and our abilities, and what makes it even more challenging is that many other people might fail to understand how challenging our adjustment to normalcy might be.
But there's no normal in these experiences. How can it be?

[25:45] When people hear the word acceptance, they might assume that it means being okay with what has happened in the past or with how things currently are.
In fact, there's a difference between acceptance and feeling good about what happened.
Acceptance means allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions naturally come up in response to what you're going through.
It means acknowledging the reality of the pain, even though in an ideal world, it shouldn't be that way.
This therapeutic and comforting self -help guide will help you give yourself permission to grieve or process events in the way that makes sense to you, to fully experience and accept your feelings of anger, grief, frustration, or anxiety, to own your truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
This essential book will teach you to understand and be able to accept the difficult moments and circumstances in your life and make room for how you feel about them.
And with this kind of acceptance, there can be healing.

[26:43] Before we wrap up the episode, I encourage you to grab a paper and pen, notebook, or phone to write down your answers to these questions.
What are some common barriers to acceptance, both in ourselves and others?
How can you cultivate a greater sense of acceptance in your life?
How has acceptance or lack thereof impacted your relationships with others?
And have you ever struggled to accept someone else for who they are?
Feel free to pause the episode and come back to these questions later.
If you have any thoughts on this episode, suggestions for a future episode, or if you or someone you know wants to be a guest on the show, contact me via my website at, That's C -H -R -I -S -S -Y -H -O -L -M.
Thanks for listening to another episode of Stirred by Words, meditations and conversations about writing and wellness.
This has been your host, Krissy Holm.
Tune in to future podcast episodes, and until next time, keep learning new words, stay healthy.

[27:48] Music.