Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How to Drop "Good Girl" Habits to Date Deliciously
Last week, we talked about how Women of Faith tend to attract the wrong kind of men—the manipulative, irresponsible, and insecure ones…
…and how those "good girl" habits can end up pushing away the intelligent, cultured, and emotionally available men who are actually ready for a real, committed relationship.
This week, we're going step by step on how you can break those habits for good, so you can start dating quality men who truly appreciate you for who you are.
If you’re a Woman of Faith struggling with “Good girl” syndrome, tune into this episode for a masterclass on how to shed those limiting behaviors and attract the kind of relationship you deserve.
Interested in working with me 1:1? If you’re ready to drop the “good girl” act to attract quality men who appreciate the woman you really are, book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me. Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
Hello, lover girl, welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. I am happy that you're here once again because we are continuing the Good Girl series. We're going to call it the Good Girl Gone Rogue series. If you have not listened to the first episode, because this is the second episode in the series, first of all, I have loved all the DMs, all the private messages, all the shares, all of the feedback from last week's episode. It seemed like a lot of you. It really resonated with you in terms of like what I spoke about last week, and so I'm just I'm really excited. I thought it was a great episode and I just appreciate you guys sharing that with me, sharing the episode with your friends, sharing it on social media. If you haven't, um did a review yet written a review, I would absolutely love a review of the podcast If you haven't already done that.
Speaker 1:Today's episode so last week episode was all about um. You know why being a good girl blocks you from the men that you want, and so we really dove deep into what are the behaviors that good girls or the mindset that good girls have that leads to attracting the wrong types of men, and then why it blocks you from the actual men that you want, the wrong types of men, and then why it blocks you from the actual men that you want. And this episode is a follow-up, you know, called how to drop good girl habits to date, deliciously, I want you to shift. So I'm following up with this episode because I know I know so many of you were like get out of my head, dora, get out of my head. I know I'm a good girl, but how do I break out of it? And if you haven't listened to that episode, make sure you go listen to it.
Speaker 1:And some of you might even be kind of frustrated with yourself. I've been living 30 years of my life like this, 40 years of my life, 50 years. And you might feel frustrated around that or you might have some shame, like why why have I been living my life like this? Or why am I doing this? And with like kind of like a, a, a lace with shame, and you probably feel some type of way because you have seen that you have attracted the types of men that I mentioned the controllers, the manipulators, the men who want convenience and not connection. You've probably dated all of them and now you know why, and I'm going to preface this episode today and what I'm about to share with you.
Speaker 1:Number one I just let you know there's nothing wrong with you, okay, I just want to say that I want you to calm yourself, relax yourself, take a deep breath. You are okay, girl, there is nothing wrong, and I want you to be extremely passionate with yourself, compassionate with yourself, and have lots and lots of gratitude for your good girl, because without your good girl, you wouldn't be here, meaning that she got you to this point, and so we should definitely show compassion to the pieces of you that have stuck by you and have, you know, really helped you get where you needed to be. And so, now that you're making a shift, we can just, like, have gratitude for that version of you, because she is a part of you. We don't need to demonize her, we don't need to try to, you know, judge her. We just got to just know she's there. We got to just know the good girl is there and that you're in a position where you're looking to shift power away from the good girl and more so, to the woman who you actually are. And so, in terms of dropping good girl habits, what I'm going to share with you today isn't going to be typical, like the typical advice you would think that you would hear, but it is going to be very, very simple, extremely simple and life-changing if you actually take it seriously. So if you saw that you were being a good girl and experiencing the consequences of being a good girl and you want to be able to date deliciously, this episode is for you. And, before I get into how to actually drop the good girl habits, I want to just share that for transparency.
Speaker 1:It's been a very long journey for me to shed the layers of my good girl. I remember telling you guys on last week's episode about how I, you know, had my long dresses to my ankles and I fasted every week and I prided myself on, you know, being a good girl and being a virgin and and being a woman who just followed the rules. I pride like that's what I prided myself on. I like that's what I prided myself on. And it has taken so many different shifts, so many different things in my life to for me to start shedding those layers and just deciding that I don't have to be a good girl, I'm already good enough, I've been already created good enough and trying to strive through rules and people's perception of perfection of me and how they think I should live and be Me being a good girl.
Speaker 1:It even it led to me being in like a cult. I was conditioned in good girl so bad I ended up in a cult, and when I say cult I mean it was a religious cult and the pastor this is how much of a cult it was. The pastor was telling everybody in the congregation you know, delete your insurance policy, you're giving the money to the world and you should give it to us and we'll bury you, those types of things. The cult had me take out credit cards in my name in order to build onto the church Things like that. I was in poverty, had food stamps, all that type of stuff, and the church had me tithe my food like, had me offering up my food stamps. Mind you, I'm already in poverty, but I was so conditioned and good girl and people pleasing and wanting to be liked and needing to be seen a certain way, that I was easily into something like that. So I need y'all to know how deep my good girl conditioning went and even when I kind of like broke out of the cult and started, like my, I would say my rebellious stage.
Speaker 1:I think when a lot of women realize that good girl is just not serving them, they want to go on the other spectrum of things and be just super rebellious and super reckless and I'm just going to do what I want. Right, that's pretty much where that's like the same energetic. But on the opposite side right, it's it's. You're still not grounded, you're still not confident in who you are. So you lash out and you become reckless because you don't want to be on the other side of things and because of that it's the same energetic. You don't actually dissolve your good girl, you just try to behavior modify, you try to lash out and just do different things. And so that led me like when I went into my marriage.
Speaker 1:I went into my marriage still with the good girl complex. So even though I had broke out of the cold, decided I was going to think for myself, I just went into another position where I was in group thinking, following the leader in the rule books, and I went into a marriage where I wasn't trusting myself. I wasn't trusting myself. I didn't have boundaries. As a married woman, you definitely should have boundaries with your husband and I did not have boundaries. I pretty much looked to him in order for him to tell me how I should be living. Even when I like rebelled in the marriage, it was still his voice in the back of my head of like you're not who you need to be. You need to be this kind of woman. You need to be this kind of woman. You need to be that kind of woman.
Speaker 1:And anytime he would like like tell me what kind of woman I would be, it would like be a dagger in my heart. It would feel so harsh to me. I took it so personally because I actually made his words mean something. I actually believed him and I trusted his judgment over mine. When I would get intuitive hits that would say Tora, don't you do that. I know that's your husband, but, girl, this is not a good idea. I don't think you should go with that. I would override my intuition, I would override that deep knowing and I would do it anyway. And it would always come back to bite me in my eyes because I decided to look outside of myself and follow the rules. You know they say you need to be submissive to your husband. The man leads and this is what you need to be doing, and so I completely overrode the wisdom of God within me. The intuitive hits within me, my internal desires within me to be a good girl and be seen as this type of woman. And so it again. I'm. I'm just reiterating where I'm coming from.
Speaker 1:I've also been a good girl in my business. I've been on social media and creating content since 2010. I started my business in 2000, I believe 14 or 15. And even showing up there like, oh, I can't play this kind of music because my followers would think something's wrong with me or they think I'm a heathen, even though I will play the music at home. Or I can't do this in my stories or show this part of my life because people might drag me on social media. People might say this about me. So I was really. I had like a mask on in my early years in my career. I know a lot of you, kind of like Tori. You're so open, you're so this and I'm like girl. It hasn't always been this way. It has been a long journey and I'm just sharing this with you because if you see me now and you see my level of freedom now, you see my ability to just express myself very, very easily and you see my ability to show myself in my business, the way that I show myself, show myself in my love life, the way that I'm able to show myself, understand that this has been a journey. So I don't want you to think that, oh, if you listen to this episode now, you should have all this figured out and it should just click for you. It has been years and I still have good girl coming up on one side of my shoulder saying girl, don't post that, girl, don't say that to him, girl don't do that, and. But I just know how to navigate it differently and make different choices, right. So into the episode.
Speaker 1:The first habit that you need to drop, or the first way to drop girl, a good girl habits to date, deliciously. Number one is in your behavior. It's noticing the behavior. Just noticing, right, not changing it, not modifying the behavior, just observing your behavior that manifest into good girl habits. So when you discover that you're being a good girl and you notice that it's hindering you, there might just be an urge for you to just want to break free from being one and you might want to get to the point where, like I don't want to be this person, I want to change right now, but that is not the best move when you're trying to uncover decades of conditioning. Many of us have been conditioned for 30, 40, 50 years of our lives, 20 years of our lives. That is some deep level conditioning.
Speaker 1:And so the first thing you want to do, instead of trying to modify your behavior, because that's just not how things work, that's not how transformation works you want to take the time to become aware of the specific actions that are driven by your good girl mindset. You want to notice how you act in different situations. But here's the key you want to notice all of this without judgment, without looking at yourself and saying this is a good behavior, this is a bad behavior, without saying I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be doing that, I should ask for more, I shouldn't be people pleasing, I shouldn't be self-abandoned. Why am I doing this to myself? That is not the way, without judgment. This is key. It's about catching those automatic reactions that come from you wanting to be liked, you avoiding some type of emotional pain or rejection.
Speaker 1:I want you to start to notice when you start overthinking what to say to a man because you don't want to say the wrong thing. Quote unquote that may turn him off or may offend him Like. I just want you to notice when you start going into the overthinking spiral about that's it. Just notice. And I want you to start to notice when you start feeling obligated to pick up your phone just because a man called you, or just because, or responding fast to a text message because you don't want this man to think that you're not interested. I just want you to pay attention to it. Right, we don't need to have an overhaul change of this is what Torah would say. This is what Torah would do. I'm going to do it. I just want you to notice it just at first. Just start to notice when you are, for example, more playful and more fun when you're texting a guy, when you're messaging him, but when you're on in-person dates, you're like so much more reserved, you're so much more guarded. There's a reason for that. There's a reason why you're more playful for texting. I know a lot of women like to convince themselves, to say, oh, I just got a warm up to you, you warmed up in the text In person.
Speaker 1:Unless your physical safety is threatened, there's a place where good girl is present to where you can't fully be yourself. There's a place where you're still wearing a mask, where you can't fully reveal who you are wearing a mask where you can't fully reveal who you are. When you're able to notice these behaviors without judgment, it's crucial because it's the first step to changing them. If you don't recognize when you're falling into good girl habits, you can't break free from them. You can't fully transform them. You might be able to, you know, take certain actions that make you feel good for a short period of time, but it's not a true transformation of where you have capacity to be less of a good girl in this state, right, or don't have such an emotional charge around like standing up for yourself and being big and embracing your flaws.
Speaker 1:Awareness gives you the power to make different choices. It gives you the power. But here's the thing, here is the real tea Even if you're not ready to make these choices, awareness is just going to give you the power, because some of you, some of us, are not going to be ready to make some of these choices, and that is okay. I really need to hone in and really reiterate that it is completely okay If you are not ready to make certain choices. Awareness is going to be a key thing for you your darkness, your shadow. When it's exposed to the light, it can't exist. It can't exist. And if you judge yourself while doing this, you are going to resist your transformation. It will lead you stuck in good girl patterns.
Speaker 1:This is what I tell my clients all the time. When I see them judging themselves from making certain decisions, they'll say Tora, oh man, I know that I wanted this from this man, but I was too scared to ask and I know you would say this and I'm like please stop. Like it's okay. We just want to be aware of it right now. It's completely okay. This is the choice that you had capacity to make. We will continue to be aware of it until the light gets strong enough. Right now, your shadow is stronger. Until the light gets strong enough, we're going to keep awareness for you to make a different choice. All right, so we're not going to stress out about it, but when you start noticing these behaviors, you can begin to change them in real time, because the light will get stronger than the dark.
Speaker 1:Okay, for example, instead of just agreeing to a date that a man suggests, you'll start to notice you just saying okay, I don't mind, I'll just go, like you'll notice it, even if you decide to go on the date and you really just don't want to go. At least you'll notice it and say, wow, okay, I chose to go on this date even though it didn't light me up. Let me keep this in my back pocket and just notice. This is where I'm showing up as good girl. Just notice it, that's it, even if you choose to go, or there might be some conversations that you find yourself having and you're feeling very uncomfortable about it, and then you just notice what's happening there.
Speaker 1:So, for example, I recently went on a date and the guy on the date he said oh so you know enough about me. Tell me, tell me about you. He said tell me something about you. And that's one of my least favorite questions, because I do feel like it is a very lazy question versus like just being curious about somebody and deciding what you're going to be curious about. And I said, and I said well, I want to answer any question that you may have about me, but I don't want to just go on a riff about some things that you may not even care to hear. What would you like to know? He was like just say anything. And I said no. And then he said you're being difficult. Well, he said so, so you're just going to be difficult.
Speaker 1:And I noticed the good girl in me like, oh my gosh, did you really? Are you really being difficult? Like I heard her speak to me and I just noticed it and I sat there and I'm like girl, I got this, like we're good. Like I noticed her coming up and her having those fears, um, of being seen a certain way, especially like when you're on a date with a guy that you are excited about and that you like, and like I had to like really notice that and sit with her before I was able to come back and say, well, if you call that difficult, I guess so, but then we can also have another perspective and see that you might be the one that's being difficult because you're not able to ask me a simple question after a simple request, right. But that took me to notice because if I didn't sit there and notice, it probably would have activated me for the rest of the date I would not have been able to enjoy it because I would have been so activated and taken over, not realizing the good girl came up and normally what happens with good girls when men say stuff like that to us or do things where we're with a good girl is triggered.
Speaker 1:Instead of calling it out, what we do is get annoyed and get frustrated and get defensive because we're too good to nail it to the wall. We're too good to nail it to the wall, we're too good to express ourselves. And the good girl feels suffocated. She feels like the real, like the elevated version of us, feels suffocated by the good girl and she really wants to let things know. She really wants to be out there. But the good girl has pretty much shut her mouth, like closed, her mouth shut.
Speaker 1:And if I wasn't able to notice that my good girl was getting in the driver's seat, I wouldn't have been able to pull back and like ground myself and realize, you know, this man is probably nervous. He's probably nervous and something about him is possibly insecure in how I'm showing up and he doesn't know how to have a conversation with me. So make sure that you lead the tone of the conversation, tora. That's what you do. This man is not grounded enough to do so and you're going to have to do that. And so I even went there. I was like you know, I'm sitting far away from you. I'm going to come and I'm going to sit beside you and that's what I did and I felt him, I felt his body relax. I felt him relax. I was like, yeah, he was tense, he didn't know what to say, so he said some stupid shit. And because I'm the most conscious person in the room and I have more, and I have more noticing capabilities, like I was able to like calm him. I was like, okay, I think I'm a little big for him and that's okay. Okay, and here's the thing Good girls might not.
Speaker 1:When the good girl is in power, we're not able to notice those types of things because we're so defensive. It becomes a him versus me thing and it's really not. That person is dealing with their own struggles. You're dealing with your own struggles. That doesn't mean that y'all need to build a relationship together for sense of work, because I probably won't be connecting with him again I haven't decided yet but you get to stay in who you are as a woman versus allowing the good girl to get you off track. And so, even with my clients, instead of like trying to force them to just automatically make huge behavioral changes and behave differently. They'll come to a coaching call in there and they will be low key, shaming themselves for doing a certain thing, not asking for what they want, not setting a boundary. And I always tell them look, we're just starting with noticing. We're not going to judge this, you're judging it. As long as you're judging it, you are going to stay stuck in these patterns. Whatever resist is going to persist. You have to let go of the attachment around letting this go and it's going to dissolve.
Speaker 1:Okay, they like I have them start noticing all the times where they feel obligated to stay on the phone longer because they don't want to seem rude by getting off, even if they choose to stay on. They're like Torah, I spent an hour and a half on the phone with a man. I know it's supposed to be 30 minutes and I'm like girl, it's okay if it. If you went, if you were on the phone for an hour 30 minutes, we'll have to judge that. We can just sit there and just be with the choice, like, wow, okay, I chose an hour and 30 minutes. Why? Okay, I did it because I noticed that good girl came up and she didn't want to be rude and get off the phone. So that's why I chose to do it versus oh man, I shouldn't be doing this. I know better than this Like that's shame. Says oh man, I shouldn't be doing this. I know better than this Like that's shame. We're not going to do that.
Speaker 1:Or I have my clients notice when they stay silent when a man says something that rubbed them the wrong way. We're just noticing. Or I let them know that even when they choose to make a good girl decision in the moment, that's rooted in their conditioning. It's not a problem. Like I always remind them, it is not a problem. They come huffing and puffing and they feel ashamed and they feel frustrated. I'm like it's not a problem. And it's not a problem, girl, because you are not on autopilot anymore. You are not on autopilot, you have awareness around it. So therefore, the more light, the more strength. In the light that you give, the darkness cannot exist. So just keep the light on it, girl. Just do not go unconscious. Unconsciousness calls you to go, be defensive and want to run away and be annoyed, and that really leads to a lot of draining, exhaustion, overwhelm and dating and also burnout.
Speaker 1:Right, and I know for me it has been like noticing has been such a game changer. Such a game changer like observations that have allowed me to be very compassionate towards the good girl that still exists within me, while dissolving her power in my life at the same time, like I stopped judging her and I started watching her, even when it comes to like me being a good girl in my business, like if the good girl comes up in my business, like I just watch her. Even when it comes to like me being a good girl in my business, like if the good girl comes up in my business, like I just watch her. I watch her and notice her and see all the ways where she's like well, I don't want your clients to think this. Or and I don't want these people to think that it's like girl, it's okay, it's okay If they think that, like just noticing where she comes up.
Speaker 1:So the first way to drop your good girl habit is to notice your behavior without judgment, with lots of compassion, and just be conscious in the room. If you can just be conscious, you will stop being reactive. When your good girl takes over, you will over. You will either allow your good girl to make the choice she wants to make or you will be grounded enough, even if you don't make that choice, you'll be grounded enough not to be reactive. The second thing that you need to do, the second thing that you need to do to drop the good girl habit, has everything to do with your beliefs. So we need to identify and challenge the beliefs that are leading to good girl habits. So this is the second step. After you've gotten used to noticing, after you've gotten used to observing, after you've learned to be compassionate with how your good girl shows up, the next step is to identify and challenge the beliefs that lead to the good girl habits. Because once you start noticing your behaviors right Like, for example, like we're going to identify and challenge the beliefs that drive your good girl behaviors so that might look like the beliefs might look like if I say no, he might not want to see me again.
Speaker 1:Or if I do this, he might not want to see me again. If he sees my flaws, he'll lose interest. If I tell him what I really want to say, he'll think I'm doing too much. I need to show him I'm worth it. Or he'll lose interest. If I do blank blank, he might think I'm desperate or thirsty Like.
Speaker 1:These are some of the most common thoughts that I hear from women, especially with my clients. They might not know even that this is the root thought until I uncover certain things in their lives, like we'll be on a coaching session, like Tora, I didn't even know that was a belief of mine, I did not know that was the root. And sometimes they push back. They're like no, tora, no, I was like girl, one plus one equals two, and this is, and I'm showing you this and they're like okay, right, you're right, tora, you're right, I can see it now. They can't even see it at first. And so uncovering this, identifying these beliefs and challenging it, it just, it means questioning whether your thoughts and your assumptions are actually true and whether they actually serve you in your dating life. But you cannot uncover these beliefs until you start observing and noticing and becoming conscious of the behavior.
Speaker 1:And we challenge these beliefs by replacing them with more powerful, realistic ones that actually align with your values, your goals and your desires. So, for example, if you, if you, your root good girl belief is, if I say no, he might not want to see me again, then after you notice that this is the underlying belief, now it's time to challenge it. And maybe that, and the challenge has to be something you believe it really has to. It can't be something that you see as far fetched and hard to to see. And so the belief might be if he respects me, he'll understand and appreciate my boundaries. If he respects me, he will understand and appreciate my boundaries and we'll just challenge it. It doesn't have to be something that we need to truly a hundred percent adopt on day one, but it needs to be something that's believable.
Speaker 1:For example, if your belief is, your root belief is, if he sees my flaws, he'll lose interest. I'm noticing this a lot with, like, really high achieving women who are very successful in their careers but they're really stiff when it comes to dating and connecting with men. It's usually because of this underlying belief If he sees my flaws, he'll lose interest. Yes, I'm successful. Yes, I'm, you know, by the world standards, beautiful. Yes, I have been able to do all these things in my life. Yes, I have a lot of friends. But if he sees my flaws, he'll still lose interest in me, and so I got to kind of, you know, be a little guarded and not really show exactly who I am. And so that belief might be that we need to challenge with is my flaws actually make me more relatable and human and I only want to attract men who love my humanness.
Speaker 1:Now, for some people, then this is why I say that the challenging thought should be something that you can believe, because you might want to jump to. Well, if he can't accept my flaws, he's not the one right and that might not be a believable thought for you. That might not be a believable thought and so. But my flaws actually make me more relatable and human and I only want to attract men who love my human. This might be something you can believe faster than if he doesn't like my flaws. Then that's his loss, right? Like, yeah, it's not as helpful if that's not something that actually helps you. Um, uh, believe it more.
Speaker 1:If your root belief good girl belief is I tell him what I really want. If I tell him what I really want, he'll think I'm doing too much. Maybe you challenge that belief with being honest about what I want shows that I value myself and the only way I will make sure to get what I want. That might be the belief that's challenging right, versus maybe the belief of if I tell him what I really want and he thinks I'm too much, then that's his loss. Or he's not good for me, or you may not believe that right, but being honest about what I want shows that I value myself. And the only way I will make sure that I get what I want is if I tell him what I want. I need to show him I'm worth it, or he'll lose interest. Maybe we might challenge that and say if he's spending time with me, he's already interested. Somehow he's interested, I don't know how much, but if he's spending time with me he's already interested. So I don't need to constantly convince him of that. I don't need to do that.
Speaker 1:And the root good girl thought if I do blankety blank, he might think I'm desperate or thirsty. Well, the belief that you might need to challenge that with is I'm not thirsty, I'm serious about what I want. I always tell my clients like you're only thirsty if you're thirsty. He might think I'm thirsty, tor. I'm like are you Well? No, I'm like okay. Well, you can't be thirsty. Then you can only be thirsty if you're thirsty and be thirsty, then you can only be thirsty if you're thirsty. And so it's like I'm not thirsty, I'm just serious about what I want. I'm not thirsty, I'm serious about what I want, and that is why I'm going to let you know that I would like for you to take me on a date. I'm not thirsty, I'm serious about what I want, and that is why I will send you a text first after our first date, like I'm not thirsty, I'm just serious about what I want. I'm not thirsty, I'm serious about what I want.
Speaker 1:It actually reminds me of this particular date that I went on this past weekend, another date that I went on, and this guy, oh my gosh, I just think he's so fascinating. I think he's so incredible, so unfascinating that he had me, that I left my bed at nine o'clock just to go on a date with him and meet with him, because he was in um, he was in town for a short time and I really wanted to take advantage of the opportunity, and so, while we were like, when I went out to meet him and we were just sitting beside each other and like we were just really kicking with, the chemistry was on 10. I mean, when I first seen him, first of all, I was just like, oh my gosh, like he's just way more attractive in person. He's this big, he's like six, eight, he's. You can tell he works out so muscles on point, just just a lot of fun. And as soon as he pulls up, like he sees me, he sees me walking in there. He was like he's like anybody here, see Simone, and I'm like I know he, like he sees me, he's just joking, he's just like he sees me and the, there was some people at the table that was like who, simone Biles, some, some white girls.
Speaker 1:It was so cute and uh, so he looks at me, laugh, give me this really big hug. And then he's just like hey, just, you know, he's like making sure everybody, um, in the spot gets their own bottle of wine. He was like just make sure everyone get their own bottle of wine. And I was like, okay, this is going to be pretty fun, this is going to be, um, be fun. And so, um, we went in, went in to relax, and I'm just like, so fascinated I'm telling him. I was like I just I love your smile, I love your conversation. And I took his hand and I I held his like I initiated the handholding and he was like I really, I'm really pleased to be with you here, I'm really happy to hold your hand and I'm not thinking I'm thirsty because this, this particular gentleman, is fascinating gentleman.
Speaker 1:I'm wanting to hold his hand, I'm letting him know how I feel about him and he's letting me know how he feels about me as well. Like I'm just serious about what I want. And I told him. I was like I want you, like I want to continue to get to know you, like we're reciprocating. We had really good energy.
Speaker 1:But other people might look at that and like, oh, tara's desperate. Look what Tara's doing. And I'm like, yeah, look at me, look at what I'm doing. I know what I want, I'm very serious about what I want. And if something comes up to where we no longer see ourselves being a fit, let's just say he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I know how to let that go. Like I know how to not make that mean anything. But, yeah, I really want you guys to think about challenging your thoughts about being thirsty. Is it a desire that you actually want to experience? Are you caring about what other people think and what other people say about it? Right, are you caring about that?
Speaker 1:Your underlying beliefs, they will shape your actions. They will shape your actions and therefore the results that you get into dating. Okay, if you don't challenge these beliefs, you will keep repeating the same patterns that lead to your decisions in the men that you date and the relationships that you go into. So they have to be consistently challenged. Typically, what happens is we have the belief and we leave it right there. We have the belief of, oh, I don't want to be rude, and we leave it right there. We have the belief of, oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings, and we just leave it there. Or oh, man, I don't want to be seen thirsty, and we just let it sit and simmer and integrate into who we are as people, instead of questioning it and say, well, is that something I want to believe today? Is that something I actually want to care about today? Is that something that I want to do today? Actually, no, like good girl, I get what you're trying to do right now Trying to keep me safe because I, when you had power, you kept us safe and loved by people who needed us to be good. You kept us and allowed us to survive, because people needed us to be good, to show up for us. But that's not the case. I'm an adult. I'm an adult now. I don't need my parents now. I don't need my parents' approval, I don't need my parents' love to like, feed me right now. Like I'm an adult, I can make a different choice.
Speaker 1:And by challenging these beliefs, you're going to change your behavior over time, which directly impacts the kind of men you attract and directly impacts the quality of the connections you create with them and the relationship right. And when you challenge and change these beliefs, you'll notice small shifts in your dating life that lead to big changes. You'll notice it and you'll start to see all the ways that your beliefs are causing you not to love yourself. Leaves are causing you not to love yourself. You will start to pause and separate you and who you are from your knee jerk thoughts that are causing you to take good girl actions. Okay, you'll pause and you'll think like, okay, if I keep thinking this thought, I'm going to keep doing this thing. How do I want to challenge it? You'll start finding ways to do things differently than the good girl that's inside of you and it'll lead to real big changes in your love life.
Speaker 1:So so, for example, when my clients they get to the point where they have awareness and they're watching their good girl. They pause, they consider what's motivating. Sometimes they'll send me like a voice note, right? Sometimes they'll come to the session calling, like Tora, I've been observing, I've been noticing and I noticed that one of the things that keeps coming up for me is that you are not enough. Or, I noticed what keeps coming up for me is that people won't accept you, and so this is what I've been doing instead, or thinking instead. And they realize what's motivating them isn't the what's motivating their good girl. The thoughts that are motivating a good girl is not the same thoughts that are motivating the women that they want to be. So then they are able to sit and pause and decide OK, who do I actually want to be in this moment? What thought do I want to challenge?
Speaker 1:And even if I can't make that decision, I don't have capacity to make that decision. For example, I'll have clients that struggle with setting certain boundaries right and we take things slow. I don't ever want them to be like oh, I didn't set the boundary this time. Oh my gosh, there's something wrong with me, why can't I do this this time? Oh my gosh, there's something wrong with me, why can't I do this? It's simply the good girl. She still has a different, a certain level of power, and we just need to be compassionate and patient and just understand what motivates her, and then we'll get to a point where the woman you desire to be will become more powerful than the good girl, and that's okay. It is okay, you don't have to worry about that. So that's the second thing that I want you to do.
Speaker 1:The first thing is being able to notice your behavior, the good girl behaviors, without judgment. The second thing, after the second step, after that, is identifying and challenging the beliefs that lead to the behaviors. And the third way to drop your good girl habits is to implement bravery, simple bravery. And bravery is all about taking small, tiny, bold, sometimes very uncomfortable steps in your life, in your dating life, that go against all your good girl conditioning life, in your dating life, that go against all your good girl conditioning. And this is you.
Speaker 1:I recommend doing this after you've been noticing, after you've been challenging your beliefs, not just automatically trying to go rogue and say I'm not doing this, no more, I'm not doing that. That's when we go on the other side of the same energetic and we're resisting, which will cause us to still be stuck in the same cycle, because we actually just haven't transformed. We just we're just performing at this point, but just small, bold actions, because when you implement bravery, you're basically daring yourself to be yourself. You will take small actions that help you express your needs, and you'll take risks that you wouldn't take before. These are tiny things that might scare you a little, but they are necessary to break free from old patterns and create the delicious dating life you desire, the things that you have avoided before. And when you act bravely in dating, you'll start to see tangible changes. You'll start to notice that you're attracting different types of men those who are aligned with your values, those who respect your boundaries. You'll also feel like so much more confident, so much more empowered, which, I'm telling you, it's going to make you magnetic and extremely attractive, howard, which I'm telling you, it's going to make you magnetic and extremely attractive. You are going to attract all like men that you didn't even think was on your radar. You didn't even think these men wanted women like you, because you have decided to show more of who you are. So and here's the thing, just because you take these brave actions doesn't mean that you are no longer scared and terrified.
Speaker 1:So, for example, one of my clients that I'm working with. I'm working on with her to ask for what she wants. Right, she's able to provide a really good life for herself. She doesn't need to ask anybody for what she wants. But one of her good girl fears is I don't want to be seen as weak. That's one of her root core fears, and so we've been working on her noticing and her asking for things and challenging the thought of her feeling weak and challenging that thought with, like, my desire is to be supported this way. This is like my desire and this is what I'm challenging with, but it doesn't stop her from being terrified, and so one of the things that we've been working on is she's been wanting men to help take care of her transportation um to date and making sure she gets home safely. But she has been really nervous about asking for it and but she's been doing it anyway. She's been taking brave action and when she asked, the men obliged. They say okay, they say yes, I will make sure I will do that. Small, brave action.
Speaker 1:Another one of my clients struggles with the belief that she has to have it all together for a man to work. I want her. So her core belief is if I show my flaws, he won't want me. Belief is if I show my flaws, he won't want me. But she was extremely brave last week when she was on her way to a date but her car broke down. And again she coming from the standpoint of my flaws I need to have it all together. I don't need to bring any drama into his life. And normally, typically she said Torah, typically I would have probably canceled the date and let him know that I couldn't make it. But I literally called him, I was vulnerable and invited him to support me and help me and he stayed with me and she said it really felt good to be served that way. It really felt good to be taken care of that way by expressing my desires. I was so scared, I was nervous about exposing that part of me right, and she did it anyway. It was a brave action. But she's collecting evidence that men will show up for her, even when she shows her quote unquote flaws.
Speaker 1:Got another one of my clients who struggles with expressing her emotions to a man out of fear of being judged, because her root belief is, if men know, they would think I'm thirsty, they would think I'm desperate. They would think I'm cheap, but she's been brave lately and she's been sharing feelings here and there with me. She's not going all out, her capacity doesn't have that, it's not available for that but she's been starting really small and for you, bravery might look like simply, even like starting with your friends and family, which is how you feel today. You know just an emotion of how you feel. That might be a brave action for you. Another brave action might be you posting especially if you have a business posting a teaching reel on social media. That might be a brave action. I remember I had one of my clients do that. I was like, hey, this is what we're going to do. Like, you have the capacity to do this. You, you have been doing the observation, you have been um, challenging your beliefs and now we're not going to leave this room until you post on social media. And it was just so beautiful the way she did it, it was an amazing reel and I was just so proud of her. But now she's posting all the time.
Speaker 1:Those are like brave actions that you take. A brave action might be asking a man to send you a car, or maybe asking a man, letting a man know you do want to go on a date, letting a man know that you are not available to stay on the phone more than 30 minutes. Right, those might be your small brave actions. We don't have to be this. I got to be this completely new woman. No, it's going to take you small baby steps, small affirmation of okay, this is the woman that I want to be. So I'm going to take this brave action and then seeing evidence which is a confirmation that you can have met people show up for you. Men show up for you. Men love you. People love you. Even if you're not perfect, even if right, even if you don't have it all together, even if you stand up for yourself, even if there's conflict that's being called, you know, brought up, you can do it. So I don't want you to do a complete overhaul, I just want you to do small brave actions, tiny brave actions, that that action might simply be be letting a man know hey, I like you or hey, I think that your smile is beautiful, however small you need it to be, depending on what level you're at. Um, I know for me, I'm always taking small brave actions.
Speaker 1:I believe I'm more my good girl. It has more power in my business than in my love life. So, for example, sharing my story about me leaving my marriage on my podcast, like that, was hard. That was one of the most hardest things I've done. It's been really easy to talk to my clients about that because they, they know me, they bought into me, they love me, they are a safe space. So it's it was easy talking to my clients.
Speaker 1:But talking to the world about it, getting the world in that part of my life, it was just like oh my gosh, are you really going to do it? I was so nervous. I was so nervous. I was like but it has to happen. The good girl was like they're going to judge you, they're going to drag you. The good girl is going to be like they're going to drag you. The good girl is going to be like they're going to stop listening to your podcast. They're not going to want to hear from you anymore. You're going to share too much of yourself and they're not going to like you because you're sharing too much of yourself. People like perfect, people Like that's what the good girl was saying. I was like no, the woman that I want to be wants to put this out there and it needs the next level of freedom and I need to make this happen. And so I was really scared.
Speaker 1:But I had to be really brave and I took really brave steps by posting certain things in my stories, first having conversations about it with like people like I just started having a lot of conversations about it before I got the the capacity to actually do a podcast, and when I did it, I got so much feedback positive feedback, I'd say about it Like people saying, oh my gosh, I really appreciate this episode. Oh, I'm even a married woman. It was helpful for me and that was confirmation that I could be messy and flawed and not have things together and still make a difference, still impact people's lives and still help people Right. That was the confirmation for me. So now I have a larger capacity. You know, even posting to my stories are brave actions for me, because I share a lot. I share a lot on Instagram, I share a lot about me, and it's not always, it's not always comfortable. Sometimes I'm like, if I share this, people going to share it, but it's going to get back to my husband. I don't want him saying nothing about what I got going on, you know, or it's going to get back to these people, or certain people aren't going to want to work with me. Like the good girl is coming up. It's like that's not who you want to be. Post a damn story, just post it, and I just allow my nervous system to just just learn how to be what is. And when people have a problem with it, then I'm a, I have capacity to deal with that, right, I'm, I'm building my capacity to deal with that. But the good girl's always on my shoulder. And when it comes to my love life, I've gotten enough confirmation that I'm always going to attract the right types of men that love my crazy, love my quirks, love my personality.
Speaker 1:The two dates I went on this weekend of the first guy that I went out with, that I told you. You know I held his hand and I was telling him like we were just really vibing. It was just I don't even want to get into that, that because I just feel some type of way in such a good way. But when he pulled up the second time, we went on a second date he pulled up on another Uber. He hopped out of the truck and I just came out of the shadows and I just started singing Whitney Houston, I was like I don't even know why I did it, I just felt like doing it. And he looked at me. He was like you crazy, you scared my Uber driver. I said I did. He was like, yeah, I loved it, though he was like you scared my Uber driver. I was like he'll be fine, I just want to sing you that song Again. I had just met that man the day before. Right, I didn't shy away from putting my hand on his leg. I didn't shy away. We went to go play pool. I danced all around the pool table when I was too tired to go out, like I asked him to send me a car.
Speaker 1:And even when he was talking about cause, he said he's dating for intention, he's looking for marriage and he sees me as being, you know, a wife, a wife material. Now, you know he. Then he also talked about being a traditional man and I'm like you talk about, you know, being like me being a wife and you talk about tradition. I was like there's nothing traditional about your hand on my, your hand on my leg. There's nothing traditional about that. I was like there's nothing traditional about me on pole Right, you know I do pull like. There's nothing traditional about that. There's a lot of things I don't cook. I told him I don't cook, there's nothing traditional about that, and I've built enough capacity to know. If he's a no to all of that, then he's a no to me, but I guess he loved it all because he's still in the picture, right? So yeah, taking those small actions of bravery.
Speaker 1:So the three ways that you drop good girl habits because we're towards the end, I'm going to reiterate is identify, observe your behavior, just notice without judgment. Don't you judge yourself, girl. Two, identify and challenge your beliefs. And three, take small actions of bravery. I'm telling you, I told you, this is very, very simple to implement, very, very simple. I don't want you to overcomplicate this, but if you take it seriously, it will change your life. I promise you.
Speaker 1:If you don't try to rush the process, it will change your life. You will start to see the shackles fall off. You will start to see you stand up for yourself. You will start to see that you become more magnetic because you are more confident and sure of yourself. You will start to see people following you and you're not even like trying to lead. You will start to see that you will start to see men really wanting to serve and support you because you are solid in who you are.
Speaker 1:You will start to see men who typically say they want this in a woman, they want that in a woman. They're like, oh no, I just want you, like I thought I wanted that, but I want you. I didn't know I wanted this, but because you showed up a certain way, now he wants it. You will start to see family and friends looking at you differently, treating you with more respect, more reverence, more honor, right, and you'll have more space in your life to just be yourself and be comfortable. It will lead to you making more money, whether you're at your job, getting a promotion or negotiating a raise, or whether you are starting a business and getting more clientele. Your level of freedom will affect your revenue, it would affect how strong your friendships is and it will definitely affect the types of men that you attract. You will attract so much more delicious, amazing, fascinating, generous, attentive men. Oh, my goodness, I'm just, oh, I'm telling you, girl, just listen to me, I got you, but yeah, that's all for this. This is going to do wonders for you.
Speaker 1:Don't beat yourself up, right, but I do want you to tune into next week for the third episode of this series called. It's going to be a lot of my personal story how I learned to speak up and found men who listened. And this goes back to like my good girl, like how I'm able to attract men who actually love who I am as a woman. I'm not a good girl, but I attract all the types of men that I want who serve and support me, in spite of right. Even the guy that I talked about during this podcast. One of the things I loved about him was, even though he's a well-established, well-accomplished man who isn't he's in a powerful position in this world, he sat there and listened to me as if he knew nothing and really appreciated my perspectives, when there are a lot of men that are in his same position would have let their ego run the show and disagreed and pushed back, and he didn't really do that right. He really just sat there with me. And so next episode I'm going to talk about like how I learned to speak up and find men who listen, um, which goes back to breaking the good girl and just really being the woman that you desire to be. So all right, lady.
Speaker 1:If you enjoyed this episode, please, like you have been doing sharing on social media, give me a tag Instagram stories. Definitely leave a review on the podcast. I would appreciate that and, you know, spread it to your friends. Let your friends know. And if you're interested in working with me, definitely book a sales call with me. If you're interested in working and breaking out of the good girl to really be the woman that you desire to be and attract the types of men that you want to attract, you can book a sale call at the link below in the show notes or you can go to my Instagram page and book at the bookie link. And until next time, girl bye.