Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How I Vet Men For Exclusivity
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Most women feel like they’ve found “the one” as soon as a man starts treating them well.
But what if just being supportive and loving isn’t enough?
In this episode, I share why being well-loved is just the starting point—and why it takes so much more to qualify for a serious relationship with me.
I’ll walk you through my personal vetting process, from spotting core values to seeing how a man handles stress.
This isn’t about making men jump through hoops; it’s about making sure any man in my life truly fits with my vision and long-term goals.
If you’re tired of settling and want a deeper look at what really matters in a partner, tune in to hear how I keep my standards high and make sure the right man rises to the top.
Interested in working with me 1:1? Work with me to attract quality men who meet your standards for a healthy, loving relationship.
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Vetting Men for Exclusivity
Speaker 1What's up , lover girl ? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast . I'm so excited that you're here once again . I am feeling really warm , really comfy . Have on my little lounge wear as I prepare to share this episode with you . I think there's a hurricane passing , so there's lots of rain , it's cuddle weather and I've definitely been getting my cuddles .
Speaker 1And this particular episode how I vet men for exclusivity it was inspired by an Instagram story that I made this past weekend and I decided to post because I have been sharing some of the things that how men have been showing up for me in my life , specifically the men that are in my rotation . So I've posted about Big Body Benz , who's also known as Cameroonian , and how he flew in after we met two weeks prior . He said he was coming back for me . He came back and he fulfilled all of the desires that I had requested of him and he went above and beyond . And then I also shared where my ride or die AKA , also a front runner where he , like I , just shared what he did in a week for me him changing my air filter without me asking , because he could sense the quality in my air was deteriorating , and him changing out the filter in my fridge because he could sense that the water quality was not where it needed to be . He bought me my favorite comfort meal when I'm on my cycle . And he , what else did he do ? He made sure my lawn was cut , which he also does every two weeks . So he makes sure my lawn is cut , like he has people hired that come out here and cut it every two weeks . So that's also great . And then he also bought me a car , a dash cam . He bought me a dash cam so that I can be safer and can see , like , what's happening around me .
Speaker 1There was a time where I had just bought a brand new car , my car and within like a month , something came out of nowhere out of the sky and like smashed the windshield . And I was just so upset I was crying and he's like , look , I'll handle it , you don't have to report it to insurance . And , mind you , that windshield was $1,300 , right , I thought it was going to be something like $500 . It was a $1,300 windshield . And he was like oh , you know , I'll take care of it , I'll handle it , you need to just worry about showing up for your business and making sure that you're present there . And so then he went above and beyond , like you know , bringing me flowers and things like that . Like this was all within a week . And so I posted that .
Speaker 1And I got so many DMs about like , oh , you know , not just with him , but also with the Cameroonian . Like , oh , why isn't he your man yet ? Why aren't y'all together ? And there was even comments on threads . Shout out to Ariana . She posted how she met her boyfriend and tagged me as someone who has helped her get to where she needed to be , and it went viral on threads . So shout out to her .
Speaker 1And so people have . There was somebody who commented on my thread that I'm not active on . I need to figure out how to get active on there . And she was like , well , why is she still single type of thing ? And so I'm like man . I think people really just don't know who I am , they don't understand my philosophies . And so I'm like , yeah , let me go ahead and post why I have not made any of these men my man . Whether we're talking about Saudi , whether we're talking about Radha Daya or whether we're talking about big body bands , like , why aren't they my man , even though they show up amazingly for me ? Now , before we get into this .
Speaker 1I do want to shout out everyone who has been leaving a review . I love reading them . I just want to read this one before we hop into what I have to say about all of this . Shout out to my girl , vernique . She starts off with Torah is everything she says . Every time I see a post , a story or listen to an episode of her podcast , my brain chemistry shifts . She validates all the things I desire , but , too scared to admit , I want . I share this podcast with everyone because it's so life-changing , not just for dating , but in every area . Love you , girl . I love you too , girl . I love our conversations and I just appreciate you always showing love and support and also writing this review . So yeah , girl , you're going to have to help me , because I know that you do very well on TikTok , so you're going to have to help me get in that TikTok game . But yeah , we'll talk about that later .
Speaker 1Anywho , I have two things I want to say about people who hear about men serving and supporting me and showing up and they're like why is she still single ? Why aren't y'all together ? The first thing I want to say is there is an expectation that if a man treats you well , then he automatically qualifies to be your man . That's far from the truth . I'm going to talk about that a little bit later . And then , secondly , there is a belief that if you have a man treating you well , then there's no reason why you should be single right . And both of those beliefs are problematic . And one reason why it's problematic is because it shows how the bar is in him . It shows how women are just not used to requiring that men in general just show up for them . They're not requiring to be well loved by men , they're not requiring for men to serve and support them . They're simply getting into relationships with men because they aren't , you know , used to being well-loved and well-adored .
Vetting Men for Relationship Readiness
Speaker 1And they go like we tend to go exclusive with the first man who treats us well . We think it's a sign that he's the right one . Girl , he's showing up . Girl . Girl he did this for me . And girl , he call me every day . And girl , blah , blah , blah , blah . He , he plans dates every week . No , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no , no .
Speaker 1Like that , a man who serves and supports you as a woman is bare minimum , bare minimum , like that's the beat . That should be the expectation to even get in the door . Okay , it is the standard of me entertaining you . I will not entertain you unless you are available for that . It is the bar , it is the floor . You don't even qualify to date me . If you don't serve and support , you don't qualify . Okay , it reminds me of what they call a little ninja turtle that was on the pop the balloon show . You're not qualifying , queen , you're not qualified . Let me say yo , I'm sorry , that is just so funny to me . Anywho , you're not qualified , king , to even date me .
Speaker 1If you don't serve and support , I will fall so deep in love with you , oh man , I will be head over heels in love with you and still not choose you . You know why ? Because I don't go into commitment for love . I don't move into committed relationships for love . I don't partner with people in relationships for love . I don't even marry for love , and if y'all go back and you watch my video that went viral back in 2017 , some of y'all have been rocking with me since then , even before then , when that video got like 15 million views on why I don't believe in marrying for love . I don't believe in going into the partnership for love . It doesn't mean I don't love you . It just means that I'm not going to choose you because I love you . I fall in love all the time , right ? I'm not going to choose you because of that . I marry for legacy and wealth building . I'm going into relationship for that . I'm going in relationship and marriage for personal growth and development . I'm going . I'm marrying to bring the next generation to life . Because I'm going to be completely honest bring the next generation to life . Cause I'm going to be completely honest .
Speaker 1If it wasn't for the fact that I do desire at least one other child , I would not be in the running for marriage . I probably wouldn't marry for years , maybe until I was 50 or something like that . I probably wouldn't marry for years because , to me , marriage is not a vehicle , you know , just because we love each other . Because to me , marriage is not a vehicle , you know , just because we love each other . Marriage is a structural . It is a structure , it is a business , right ? We've romanticized it . I'm like y'all don't understand . Marriage is not to be romanticized in that way . Marriage is a structure to facilitate , you know , bringing the next generation to life , wealth building , legacy building , right . And yeah , I would . I just wouldn't do it . I wouldn't do it unless you know , if I didn't , if I didn't want like another child , so to say , I would just be out here frolicking and just skipping down the street with all of my amazing men , and whoever wants to stay and kick it with me , they can . If they don't , they can just choose somebody who wants to be married .
Speaker 1But , anywho , my approach to vetting , I want to share how I vet men for exclusivity based upon my standards , why I have not claimed any of these men that I'm dating and why I will not claim them until certain metrics are met . So I do have a whole process called the roster to relationship process that I teach my clients and I go into depth . It's a whole thing Like , for example , before you even qualify to be a part of my starting roster . Well , let me go through the three stages right Of what I walk my clients through . There's three stages that a man needs to go through before they become my man or they become my client's man . The first is the roster right , and the roster is like they are men who are showing early interest , but they are still in the process of proving themselves . So they're fun to engage with , but it's too soon to know if they're a serious contender , right ?
Speaker 1Some people might say , oh , this is the talking stage , so to say . And so for the starting roster to even be on a starting roster number one , I have to be attracted to you . I have to be attracted to you . I have to be attracted to you . There is no oh , let me give him a chance because he's interesting , or let me give him a chance because he's this and he has that . I'm not giving nobody a chance that I do not get turned on by . I'm not giving anybody a chance that I do not look at and I'm like , ooh , like I'm just not doing it . And I just noticed , with a lot of us good girl , like us recovering from good girl syndrome , or us being raised in , you know , in the church and being told like , oh , if he , he loves Jesus and he has characteristics and you shouldn't be shallow , no , I am . You can call me shallow , but I'm just not doing it Right . So that's the first thing . Are you attracted to him in the first place ? We're not giving people chances .
Speaker 1Do you enjoy the conversations you have with them ? We be texting and talking to men that we don't even enjoy those conversations . So do you even enjoy the conversations , did he ? Does he ask questions to get to know you ? You do not qualify to be on my starting roster If you aren't asking me questions to get to know who I am as a woman , you know . And did he plan a date ? If there's no date plan , you ain't on my roster . Okay , you just some random in the streets that I have decided to take a look at for a second or two , right ? But if you have not planned a date , sir , you are not even really on my radar . Okay , so those are like . Those are like questions that you would ask yourself . Okay , so those are like . Those are like questions that you would ask yourself .
Speaker 1Then I have like like 15 questions you need to ask yourself if he's going to move to the next stage , which is the rotation . Again , I'm not going to go through that here . If you want to become a client and really get access to these tools , you definitely can . But the rotation is the next step from the roster and these are men who consistently show up and demonstrate long-term potential . So these are the ones who align with your values , bring stability and add meaningful value to your life .
Speaker 1And again , I use my own roster to relationship process . And I look at the men in my life and I'm like , okay , does he qualify for the rotation ? Okay , he did this , he did that . All right , does he qualify for the roster ? So I am looking at this and then I'm like , when it comes to exclusivity , yeah , you have not qualified for exclusivity yet . So that's the next stage . So we went from roster to rotation . Now we're going into the to the relationship . So you demonstrated long-term potential . You've aligned with a lot of my values . You brought stability . You've add meaningful value to my life . That's the serving and supporting and like consistent character . Again , I have a list of questions that you need to be asking in my roster relationship process . But the final stage before engagement or marriage , where it's just you and him , you both are committed to each other , that's the relationship .
Speaker 1And so far , the reason why I have not claimed any man is because they have not met those requirements . So the requirements I have to make somebody my man number one , there needs to be a core value check . I check to see if a man's thoughts and actions align with and support my core values . So , for example , I have a core value of personal development , specifically heart-centered personal development , because there is a lot of personal development that one can do around , you know , being better in their careers or increasing their income . I love heart-centered personal development , which I teach as a dating coach . People don't understand that the dating skills I teach are actually life skills and improve you overall as a woman . But heart-centered personal development is around just being a better human period , being able to expand your capacity to receive more . Expand your capacity to have more power as a person , right , and so when we , for example , we talk about let's talk about Big Body Benz aka Cameroon , I had this intrusive thought that , oh , it's going to be so hard to meet an attractive man that does heart-centered personal development .
Speaker 1You don't really see those Tora , but this man came into my life and he's extremely attractive to me and he does heart-centered personal development . And so when he started naming people , it wasn't even something I was asking for . We were just having conversation and he was like , yeah , so my mentor blah blah , blah , and I'm like , oh . I was like , oh my gosh , you know him , I know him . Oh my gosh , he's amazing and he does , he does heart centered work , oh my gosh . So I'm looking to see if thoughts and actions align and support my core values , so to say .
Speaker 1I also have a core value of freedom . So the men that I'm dating , I noticed that they have approval for me for an example , pole dancing , and they're like , they also kind of like have traditional religious beliefs . So it's always funny to me how these men go to church every single week and they have all this religious , you know theology , and then they're like , oh , they're very accepting of our freedom to do poll . And one of them thought I was a stripper at one time and he was like , you know , I wasn't trying to judge , I was just trying to explore more of like who you are and what you do . So that's supportive in my freedom .
Speaker 1But there's also places where I'm like I don't really know if he actually sees my freedom in this area . You know , I don't know . For example , I can sometimes I can peep certain things where I'm like well , this feels , this feels kind of misogynistic . Let me delve into this a little bit deeper . Kind of like what one of the guys said about my pole dancing Like , let me just not judge her , let me just delve into it deeper and when I feel like I fully understand that piece and I have a full approval for it , I'll move forward . But other than that , if I don't understand that piece , I'm not finna be in a relationship with
Evaluating Men Based on Core Values
Speaker 1you .
Speaker 1Okay , I've dated men who say they don't do , they don't want their woman to do , girls trips . I didn't know it was that many men . Who was against girls trips and I'm like you know I'm not the one for you . I know you , you know you treat me well and we're having a really great time . But I'm going to die on that hill because there's a lot more that comes along with you not wanting me to go on girls trips . There's an underlying belief there , there's an underlying insecurity there and I'm not available for that . Because I already been there and done that , I'm not doing that again , okay . So if you have a problem with me doing girls trips , we are not in the line with my core values . I will not be your girlfriend . You just don't have a chance . I might be in a situation with you , you know I might enjoy a nice , loving , healthy situation , but I'm not going to no committed relationship with you .
Speaker 1Okay , and I also need to check and see if his beliefs and actions align with the core values he claims to have . Okay , you can't tell me that you have a core value of personal development . But when I ask you certain questions , um , I might ask you a question like hey , like you know what , what have you learned about yourself this week ? And you can't tell me . Sir , I'm not doing it with you , I can't . I need to be able to ask you certain questions . I need to be able to see it performed in your life .
Speaker 1So I know one of my , one of the guys in my rotation . One of his core values that I'm witnessing is being able to . I think it is serve servanthood . Because of the way I see him serve and he , he was just . I watched him one day . His home , his friends , his homeboy wife is pregnant and I just watched him . You know , go get groceries for her , go make sure there was air in her tire , right , go make sure , like because his friend was out of town and like we were at the house with the pregnant wife and yeah , I'm like , okay , this is servanthood . And just making sure he washed the dishes when she cooked . He just made sure he washed the dishes to make sure that she wasn't overextending herself .
Speaker 1So I'm looking if you say that these are your core values . I'm looking to see if you are walking in them and I noticed that a lot of us women of faith , we like to choose men because of religion , because of to choose men because of religion , because of denomination , because of labels , because of titles like oh he's a Christian , I'm a Christian , yeah , he's a Muslim , I'm a Muslim and I'm like baby . No , absolutely not . You should choose men based upon your core values , and I'm having clients that come in that are women of faith that are telling me Tora . Now that I am choosing men based upon my core values , I'm realizing these men are treating me way better or they're showing up way better and they're living their life more in alignment with Christ than these men , than the pastor that I married right Then the Christian men that I'm accustomed to dating like they are showing up . They don't label themselves in that way , but they're showing up in a much better , loving , god-centered way . And if I wasn't , if I was so stuck on choosing based on religion , I will still be suffering at the hands of those men . Okay , so I'm not saying that you can't marry a Christian man or a Muslim man if that's what you want . What I'm saying is the priority should be core values . That should be your priority .
Speaker 1So number one is , like the core value check . I'm always checking for core values . If I cannot see that you are in alignment and support of my core values and you're in alignment and support with yours , then I'm not going to do it . And here's the thing that takes some time right and I'm not going to do it . And here's the thing that takes some time right , that takes some time . It doesn't have to take a lot of time , but for me , talking about somebody going to be my man in two weeks , in a month , I just can't see it . I can't see it for me . Okay , I'm not , I just can't see it . Three I mean next is the relationship check . So we have the core value check . Next is the relationship check .
Speaker 1So I love to observe how the men I'm dating are interacting with the important people in their lives . I do not understand how women decide that a man is their man without meeting important people in their lives , without building relationship with his friends , with the people he admires , with the people he says I love you too , with his friends , with the people he admires , with the people he says I love you too . I just don't get it whatsoever because we don't . We're not getting to know this man outside of him , right ? We're not getting to know this man through the perspective and eyes of others , and that's extremely important . If I'm going to be doing , if I'm going to be doing life with you , if I say you're my man , I'm doing life with you . Okay , I'm looking for who is he to ? The people in his life , what kind of relationship does he have with his mother ? That's important His kids , his employees ? If he's a business owner , his employer ?
Speaker 1I went into relationships when men did not have really good relationship with their mother and I kind of blew it off . I will never do that again . I learned the hard way of being with a man who has a horrible relationship with his mother . There , there , there was all types of lack of respect for women on the onset , like , oh , you're doing all these nice things for me , you're showing up for me , because the hatred you have in your heart for your mother you are not . You don't think of women in general as someone worthy of respect , right ? So I need to see that relationship you have with your mother Again .
Speaker 1Your kids , you know , speaking of kids . I was thinking about Love is Blind and Tyler and Ashley and how all this stuff has come out on TikTok about how he claimed to be just a sperm donor but he actually naturally fathered three kids and decided to propose to Ashley on the love is blind and she's like in , full of acceptance , even though the mother of the children is saying something completely different , as well as her mother , the grandmother and I'm like I , my coochie would dry up . My coochie would literally become the Sahara desert . It would be cracked and dried , literally become the Sahara desert . It would be cracked and dried . If a man that I'm dating has abandoned his kids and so in whatever the sense like that thing would turn me off . I don't care how good a man treats me . If you have abandoned your children , you have not taken full responsibility for them as their father . I'm drying up , okay , but a lot of times we're not getting to know that . We're not exploring that relationship . Okay , we're not doing that at all . And it's so interesting talking about uh , talking about kids .
Speaker 1I remember my friend Christina . She was out here um in Dallas this past weekend getting a photo shoot for her upcoming birthday . If y'all know , she celebrates for the whole month of November . So we're going to be in New York next week , but she came down to take her photos in Dallas and we both spoke to each other's men that were dating . We both had conversations with each other's men and we had a conversation after the fact because she talked about how in the past , where she she dated guys with kids and noticed that the guy might have a certain standard for like may relate to her one way , but not want her , his daughters or their daughters to interact a certain way , and that actually jogged my memory to be like , yeah , I really need to make sure that the men that I'm dating , if you're relating to me as a woman , then I need to understand . For example , I do pole , right , I need to know that you're not going to be like oh yeah , it's okay , you do pole , but when it comes to your daughters , you're like , oh , that's heathen activity , that's sex worker activity . No , daughter of mine should get involved . Like , that's a disconnect , that's a huge disconnect and I'm not available for that either . So , yeah ,
Assessing Men Through Relationships and Hardships
Speaker 1so , yeah , so yeah .
Speaker 1What kind of relationships does he have with people in his life ? Are we checking the relationships he has with his friends and mentors and things like that Women love . I don't understand it . But there are women that are dating lone wolves , men who are like I don't have any friends , oh , I'm just out here alone , like , oh , I don't like people , people aren't in my life like that , and I'm like that's crazy . That's a character flaw to you . You don't know how to create connections . I'm looking at , you know , big Body Benz .
Speaker 1He travels to birthday parties for his friends across the country , right , even if it's just a weekend , and watching how he celebrates them and show up for them , then I got my ride or die . He's always giving money out to help the people that are closest to them . They'd be like , hey , bro , I just I need to borrow 15K because I need to buy this , I need to invest in this business . And he's always like , okay , I'll make sure that you have the money and you can just pay it back at this time . Blah , blah , blah , blah , blah , blah , blah .
Speaker 1Right , I see the relationships he had with them , when he's on the phone with them , when they're calling , and how , when he's like , hey , it's going to be a no for me , I'm not going to be able to give you this money , because the last time I gave you money , it did not help you at all . You did not increase your investment . So because of that , I'm not going to give you any more money , because my expectation is that you're going to increase your investment , which reminds me of the parable in the Bible about the talents when the master gave out the talents to the servants the first servant five , the second servant three and the third servant one and when he came back , the one with the one talent , he did not multiply , so he snatched his talent from him . I was like , oh my gosh , not you snatching talents from your friends and family . But anywho , I'm seeing Saudi right , the Saudi who I'm dating like being praised by everyone .
Speaker 1I see him meet like just show so much love . Whenever he goes out in places and people are like , oh my gosh , what are you doing in town Hugging him ? Just so much love People are showing him . I'm like that's a testament to his character , okay , and even with big body bands , like he's retired military and so I plan on speaking . He's like , hey , I'm going to have some of my commanding officers speak to you . You know on behalf of who I am . And I'm like , yeah , hook me up . Who was your lieutenant ? Who was this ? Like , I need to know who was telling you what to do and what type of directions you were following . So , yeah , relationship checks are important . Again , I can't bet relationships in two weeks and a month . I'm not able to do that in two months , okay , so for me to go asusa with a guy in two months is , yeah , I can't do it . Just , I'm just not going to do it . Um , next is hardship check . Right , there needs to be a hardship check for me .
Speaker 1Like , I pay attention to how a man handles difficult situations , okay , and what that looks like is who is this man when he is told no , right ? And that's very , very important to me , because I tend to date men who are in a position of power and status , whether it's way by money , whether it's way by , like , the way he's positioned himself in his businesses , right , and those types of men sometimes they don't like being told no , right , no is an issue for them , because they're used to getting their way . And so I need to see how you react when you are told no . How do you react ? Do you push back on boundaries ? Do you throw a temper tantrum ? Do you try to manipulate . I need to know what that looks like . Okay , I need to watch you when you don't get your way , all right . What happens when you don't get your way ? Maybe something happened in your business , right ? Maybe something happened , I know , sometimes , with my ride or die . He owns a . He owns a truck company and there are times where he's not getting his way with his employees and also sometimes where there's really really big accidents where there's a lot of money to be paid out because of these accidents , and so I'm always watching him when he's stressed and under pressure . What kind of decisions is he making under pressure , right ?
Speaker 1I have had so many clients that have chosen to walk away from a man who didn't do well under pressure . Hell , I'm my own client , right , because I do this work myself . I remember telling you guys I've walked away from my ride or die several times because I didn't like the way he performed under certain pressure . Again , I talked about how me being sick and that was that's a stressful position , especially if a man doesn't have like range to be with a woman who really needs support and , um , uh , when she can't do for herself , she might be dealing with a lot of emotions . And , yeah , I walked away because he didn't have capacity for me and my sickness . I'm like yo , I'm out , right , I know this is a stressful place and I'm not judging him for it . I wasn't judging him for it , I'm just like he just didn't have the capacity for it and I got to walk away from it . Now he's come a long way , but I did not overlook the fact that that was a problem and I've had clients walk away from men because , under pressure , they shut down , like they are hard to reach .
Speaker 1Maybe you try to call them and they're not answering the phone . Maybe they say they're going to reach out and they don't reach out . But because they're in their head about whatever issue , they can't communicate . They can't , they can't . They emotionally shut down . It's like , yeah , you're an amazing man who does amazing things , but , sir , I can't be with you . You shut me out , you're shutting me out and I can't be with a man who emotionally shuts down when shit gets hard . Um , there are men who will serve and support you , but then when they learn more about you , maybe they learn more about your finances and how well you're doing , even if they're making more money . That can be intimidating to certain kinds of men and you got to really peep that . You got to . Um , you got to peep if they're celebrating you and your success . You got to peep if they are looking to to serve you in your success , or they like to downplay or they don't care about what you're doing . That's important . And a man can treat you amazingly in the first month , in the first two months and when these things start coming to play like you need to be on the lookout for this .
Speaker 1I remember dating a guy and we were in the car together for the first time . Right , I just thought he was so attractive , we were having so much fun and he treated me so well . But we got in the car and this elderly lady was on the road and she was driving really , really slow and he had to pass her . He was like , oh , he's like you , stupid bitch . And I was like , now you calling the elderly woman a stupid bitch ? I'm like there's no way . I'm actually I'm done here , like there is absolutely no way . I don't care . Like he would praise me like , oh my gosh , I don't know women like you and you're amazing and you're this and you're that . None of that impresses me . You can't you . I'm looking at how you treat people who are lesser than you . Hardship check Like you mad because she's driving slower than you , because you're not getting your way . Absolutely not . Cannot do it , can't do it .
Speaker 1I also dated a guy that treated me so well but had a habit of calling other women hoes . I have a big problem with that Because to me it feels like you have a Madonna whore complex where you put a certain woman on a pedestal and you raise her up like you know Simba in the damn Lion King , right , like that's what you do to that woman . But when it comes to women that you deem less than that you don't approve of , then you look down on them and no , I only want to date men who love women . That's it . Like you got to love women . I don't care if she's a stripper , I don't care if she's a sex worker , I don't care . You need to be a lover of women , even if you disapprove of what she does . You need to love women and you cannot put me on a pedestal and put other women down and expect to date me .
Speaker 1And the next one is support system check . I need to know what kind of support system have you created for yourself . This is different from relationships , because this is how men find support to grow as a man , to be a better man , to be held accountable , like sir . Who's holding you accountable ? Who do you admire ? Who do you admire , who do you feel safe and secure with ? Right , because this is going to be a testament to his ability to be expressive and vulnerable , to his ability to have emotional support .
Speaker 1Right , you want a man that has support . So when things get rough , he , he has someone he can go to . Um , he has people that can help him out . And here's the thing I'm his woman , I'm not his therapist . If I go into partnership with you , I'm not your therapist , I'm your woman . So I don't need you coming to dump everything on me . I would love to know where you're at on the emotional map , but I don't need you dumping onto me when you don't know how to solve your own problems , or if you want me to solve them for you . I need you to go to your support system . I need you to have something intact . We can go to them . You have a group of people wise men , um , some wise women that you can go and you can get some help from right and then we can come together , like as a partnership , to navigate it . But I don't need to be the person to hold that burden . We need to be able to stay romantically linked and if you're dumping on me , that's going to be a problem , okay . So who is the support system ? All right , who was supporting him ? Who was caring for him ?
Speaker 1You got to really pay attention to people who , when a man says I have no one to go to , it's a hard no for me . It's a hard no for me . No one understands me . It's a hard no for me . You don't have anybody in your life who understands you . It ain't going to be me . I'm not going to be the only one in your life that understands you and I'm out ,
Analyzing Men for Relationship Suitability
Speaker 1okay .
Speaker 1And I know some people might be listening to this and they're like oh , that's so horrible , tor , like you can't stick by him . No , I don't have any obligation to stick by you and your dysfunction . I'm not here to build you into who you need to be . That's your job . Ok , that's your job . And so I'm always listening to phone calls with these men to hear how he's talking to his friends and hear how he's talking to his family , his staff . I'm always watching the interactions he has with men , right . I would , I remember dating a man where all the conversation he had about his friends were about how his friends are just not like him , how he's so much more mature and I'm like riff leg , not doing it . You don't have friends that you deem worthy of being a mature adult . You think you're the best one out of your friends . It's going to be a no for me .
Speaker 1Um , I mean in some real life examples , some real life examples of how men can serve and support but not yet qualify to be my man , right . So we went through a few things . We went through men needing . I do a core value check on men . I do a relationship check on men . I do a hardship check on men . I do a support system check . That means that men can really serve and support me and I not choose to be their man . That means that men can really date me and treat me extremely well and show up for me and still not qualify to be my man , all right . Um , we talk about the ride or die .
Speaker 1Who served and support me so deeply again , got me a house right , pay my bills for a year , make sure I was well taken care of Um , and it's still to this day , but his ass needed therapy because he didn't have the emotional range right . He needed therapy and so that's why I was like , look , that's what you need to do . Okay , and now you know he needs to solidify some of his core values and his religious philosophy , because I already talked to y'all how he be with , how he flip flops and stuff like that . Like I need you to be more stable . Now here's the thing I understand where he's at right now , cause he's young , he's not 30 yet , but I'm not going to be like I'm not going to sacrifice my rotation , to be like I'm just going to be yours If those things are not put into place . Right , just not going to do it . And it's possible that we're just not a match . Okay , that's just very possible .
Speaker 1There , saudi , he serves and supports me in so many different ways . He is long , long distance . So , like , the main way right now is , you know , sending money and things like that , but he , you know he isn't clear on his final destination . You know he lives in like he lives mainly in Saudi Arabia . There's no way in the world I would want to be there . Don't want to be there and it's mandatory that I meet certain people in his life and that just really hasn't come up yet . So it's a good chance that we're not a match and then we go to Big Body Ben's and he serves and supports . But I just met him last month , right . He called me the other day . He was like it's our one month anniversary . We met at the party one month ago . I was like okay , cheers to us . I don't know him and even though he's already showed up and he's been amazing so far , I don't know this man . I'm still trying to get to know who he is and how he makes decisions . That's important to me .
Speaker 1I have a client right now . It's her first time ever experiencing this kind of love from a man , this kind of support from a man , and she's like Tara . I just you know she's so she's drawn towards being exclusive . And one time I pointed out I was like I think you're emotionally exclusive with him , right , and he hasn't earned that . And come to find out she was not clear on his finances , on where he was financially and his level of ambition . And she's a very ambitious woman . Her finances are very secure and I'm like , yeah , we can't be going exclusive with men and we're just not clear on where they are when it comes to their career and their ambition . And even though this man is showing up for you , you need to think long-term . So we can't just be being emotionally exclusive with the man when we have not rectified that yet .
Speaker 1I have another client , who this man is , you know , showing up for her but realizing that this man is avoidant . He's avoidant certain issues he doesn't want to talk about , like he kinds of avoid those issues . There's no way in the world we need to be in a relationship . I don't care how good he treats you . We're not going to do this with this man because he's a void dent and we need to get to either get to the bottom of that and clean , like if he's willing to clean it up , or we just he can't be your man .
Speaker 1And I need you to understand that all of this is not about . It's not time-driven , it's qualification-driven . This means that I could be dating you for a year and you still not meet the qualifications and that's okay with me . Okay , I'm not . I'm not stressed out about that , considering I have a rotation , I have a roster and a rotation . Right , I have men that I'm casually dating , I have men that , um , that I'm more serious with in my rotation . So that means I can date you for a year , right , cause I have all of these other men serving and supporting . I could be dating you for four months , five months , and you can meet the qualifications . It's not time-based , it's qualification driven .
Speaker 1And there are some exceptions , right ? Some exceptions about choosing a man . Maybe you did the roster relationship processing . You're like , well , tora , this isn't a big deal right here , but those exceptions should be based upon your intuition and your own knowing . They should not be because you're infatuated with this man , like , oh , I'm so in love and I'm infatuated , I'm going to skip the steps that Tora told me to go through . It's like , oh no , I actually have a knowing around this . This , right here , isn't a problem because this and then you make the choice , right . I wouldn't get confused , intuition confused with infatuation , right ?
Speaker 1So , for example , with big body bands , my preference would be to speak and really build a strong relationship with his mother , but his mother speaks French and I don't speak French , so for me I'm going to have to substitute speaking for his mother . I mean , I can do translation , yeah , but it's going to be harder for us to actually build a relationship without me knowing French right now . So , yeah , I'm going to have to figure that out . But I can find other ways to get the information that I need or the relationships that I need without it having to be with his mother per se . So I need y'all to understand that there are men who will serve and support you and still not qualify to be your man .
Speaker 1A man might like the idea of you , but not who you actually are as a woman . A man might try to you know . He might serve and support you , but not he might also try to change you , right ? He might try to have you do I want me a traditional wife , sir . I'm not a traditional woman , right ? You're trying to , you're trying to treat me good so I can change , and that's not happening . Or a man will serve and support you . He might be a rescuer , right ? A rescuing man , he . He just treats everybody great because it's how he receives love . And so , although he shows up and loves you , you might find out later that you hate how he feels obligated to show up for his mom , for his friends and his family . He's just driven to like , overextend himself to help those people and those people are not helping themselves . And you thought you was a special snowflake . But no , this man is a rescuer . So , like no , you treat me well . But like sir , you feel obligated to do this because this is how you receive love . You you're insecure about how you receive love and that's why you overgive .
Speaker 1A man may serve and support you and he also might struggle with some type of addiction that you have no idea about . I have known so many women , especially Christian women , who have gotten married . They're like oh , my love story , we didn't have sex , for you know , we abstained and we got married . And then you find out that man was severely addicted to porn , and sometimes a man is gay . I'm not going to get into that , but we got to really start exploring these men for who they are . So , yeah , they can serve and support you , but they also have some other things that are out of alignment with who you want to be with long-term . So I vet men through this process , not to make things difficult for men or to act like I'm some kind of prize , even though I really am right . I'm not doing it just so that they can jump hoop so I can feel like I'm the queen and I'm better .
Speaker 1I do this to ensure the person I partner with fits well into my life and I do it to maintain my high quality of life . If I'm going to be doing life with you , I need to know that you're easily integrated into my life . You could show up for me and do amazing things for me and still not qualify . When you have multiple men supporting you and bringing you joy , it doesn't make sense for me to give that up for someone who doesn't meet my standards , long-term for a long-term partnership . And if you've ever had to let go of a great rotation , my clients know what it feels . Like you know the withdrawals can be real . Like you are literally giving up all these amazing men for one man . You're giving up all these amazing men who serve and support you , for example , like the man that I choose to go exclusive with . Like we're going to have to negotiate some things . I'm like hey , this man took care of this . Are you open to taking care of that ? This man showed up for me , um , and it's not like hey , you're better . I mean , they're better than you . It's like hey , if I'm going exclusive , this is what I'm losing . Okay , this is what is taken off the table for me . Are you open to handling that ? So , anywho , that's how I met for man for Exclusivity .
Speaker 1So if you're ever wondering like , why is Tora still single if her love life is so amazing , my love life is so amazing and that's why I'm still single . It's so amazing . Someone has to be incredible to take me off the market . So if you , you know , you listen to this episode and you're like Tora , I really want your help on this . I really want your help , like , navigating my love life and vetting these men . I want to go through the roster , the relationship process , and I want you to hold me accountable going through it , making sure that I'm not being infatuated and choosing men before I'm ready . I want your help creating a rotation of men who serve and support me so that I feel well loved in the door and I'm not trying to rush into a relationship or marriage .
Sales Call Booking and Reviews
Speaker 1Please book a sales call with me and let's see about working together . You can book a sales call at the link of my show notes or you can go to my Instagram . And you can book a sales call at the link of my show notes or you can go to my Instagram and you can book a call there and on this call , we will figure out if working together makes the most sense for us . So , yeah , go ahead and do that and if you love this episode , which I'm sure you did , go ahead and write a review . I'm loving all the reviews that are coming in . I appreciate them so much . It's such a beautiful love offering , um , that I appreciate . So if you're wanting to give me a love offering from you know what I've been sharing with you thus so far , please do that , and I love you and until next time , bye .