Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How I Vet Men For Exclusivity
Most women feel like they’ve found “the one” as soon as a man starts treating them well.
But what if just being supportive and loving isn’t enough?
In this episode, I share why being well-loved is just the starting point—and why it takes so much more to qualify for a serious relationship with me.
I’ll walk you through my personal vetting process, from spotting core values to seeing how a man handles stress.
This isn’t about making men jump through hoops; it’s about making sure any man in my life truly fits with my vision and long-term goals.
If you’re tired of settling and want a deeper look at what really matters in a partner, tune in to hear how I keep my standards high and make sure the right man rises to the top.
Interested in working with me 1:1? Work with me to attract quality men who meet your standards for a healthy, loving relationship.
Book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me.Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. I'm so excited that you're here once again. I am feeling really warm, really comfy. Have on my little lounge wear as I prepare to share this episode with you. I think there's a hurricane passing, so there's lots of rain, it's cuddle weather and I've definitely been getting my cuddles.
Speaker 1:And this particular episode how I vet men for exclusivity it was inspired by an Instagram story that I made this past weekend and I decided to post because I have been sharing some of the things that how men have been showing up for me in my life, specifically the men that are in my rotation. So I've posted about Big Body Benz, who's also known as Cameroonian, and how he flew in after we met two weeks prior. He said he was coming back for me. He came back and he fulfilled all of the desires that I had requested of him and he went above and beyond. And then I also shared where my ride or die AKA, also a front runner where he, like I, just shared what he did in a week for me him changing my air filter without me asking, because he could sense the quality in my air was deteriorating, and him changing out the filter in my fridge because he could sense that the water quality was not where it needed to be. He bought me my favorite comfort meal when I'm on my cycle. And he, what else did he do? He made sure my lawn was cut, which he also does every two weeks. So he makes sure my lawn is cut, like he has people hired that come out here and cut it every two weeks. So that's also great. And then he also bought me a car, a dash cam. He bought me a dash cam so that I can be safer and can see, like, what's happening around me.
Speaker 1:There was a time where I had just bought a brand new car, my car and within like a month, something came out of nowhere out of the sky and like smashed the windshield. And I was just so upset I was crying and he's like, look, I'll handle it, you don't have to report it to insurance. And, mind you, that windshield was $1,300, right, I thought it was going to be something like $500. It was a $1,300 windshield. And he was like oh, you know, I'll take care of it, I'll handle it, you need to just worry about showing up for your business and making sure that you're present there. And so then he went above and beyond, like you know, bringing me flowers and things like that. Like this was all within a week. And so I posted that.
Speaker 1:And I got so many DMs about like, oh, you know, not just with him, but also with the Cameroonian. Like, oh, why isn't he your man yet? Why aren't y'all together? And there was even comments on threads. Shout out to Ariana. She posted how she met her boyfriend and tagged me as someone who has helped her get to where she needed to be, and it went viral on threads. So shout out to her.
Speaker 1:And so people have. There was somebody who commented on my thread that I'm not active on. I need to figure out how to get active on there. And she was like, well, why is she still single type of thing? And so I'm like man. I think people really just don't know who I am, they don't understand my philosophies. And so I'm like, yeah, let me go ahead and post why I have not made any of these men my man. Whether we're talking about Saudi, whether we're talking about Radha Daya or whether we're talking about big body bands, like, why aren't they my man, even though they show up amazingly for me? Now, before we get into this.
Speaker 1:I do want to shout out everyone who has been leaving a review. I love reading them. I just want to read this one before we hop into what I have to say about all of this. Shout out to my girl, vernique. She starts off with Torah is everything she says. Every time I see a post, a story or listen to an episode of her podcast, my brain chemistry shifts. She validates all the things I desire, but, too scared to admit, I want. I share this podcast with everyone because it's so life-changing, not just for dating, but in every area. Love you, girl. I love you too, girl. I love our conversations and I just appreciate you always showing love and support and also writing this review. So yeah, girl, you're going to have to help me, because I know that you do very well on TikTok, so you're going to have to help me get in that TikTok game. But yeah, we'll talk about that later.
Speaker 1:Anywho, I have two things I want to say about people who hear about men serving and supporting me and showing up and they're like why is she still single? Why aren't y'all together? The first thing I want to say is there is an expectation that if a man treats you well, then he automatically qualifies to be your man. That's far from the truth. I'm going to talk about that a little bit later. And then, secondly, there is a belief that if you have a man treating you well, then there's no reason why you should be single right. And both of those beliefs are problematic. And one reason why it's problematic is because it shows how the bar is in him. It shows how women are just not used to requiring that men in general just show up for them. They're not requiring to be well loved by men, they're not requiring for men to serve and support them. They're simply getting into relationships with men because they aren't, you know, used to being well-loved and well-adored.
Speaker 1:And they go like we tend to go exclusive with the first man who treats us well. We think it's a sign that he's the right one. Girl, he's showing up. Girl. Girl he did this for me. And girl, he call me every day. And girl, blah, blah, blah, blah. He, he plans dates every week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1:Like that, a man who serves and supports you as a woman is bare minimum, bare minimum, like that's the beat. That should be the expectation to even get in the door. Okay, it is the standard of me entertaining you. I will not entertain you unless you are available for that. It is the bar, it is the floor. You don't even qualify to date me. If you don't serve and support, you don't qualify. Okay, it reminds me of what they call a little ninja turtle that was on the pop the balloon show. You're not qualifying, queen, you're not qualified. Let me say yo, I'm sorry, that is just so funny to me. Anywho, you're not qualified, king, to even date me.
Speaker 1:If you don't serve and support, I will fall so deep in love with you, oh man, I will be head over heels in love with you and still not choose you. You know why? Because I don't go into commitment for love. I don't move into committed relationships for love. I don't partner with people in relationships for love. I don't even marry for love, and if y'all go back and you watch my video that went viral back in 2017, some of y'all have been rocking with me since then, even before then, when that video got like 15 million views on why I don't believe in marrying for love. I don't believe in going into the partnership for love. It doesn't mean I don't love you. It just means that I'm not going to choose you because I love you. I fall in love all the time, right? I'm not going to choose you because of that. I marry for legacy and wealth building. I'm going into relationship for that. I'm going in relationship and marriage for personal growth and development. I'm going. I'm marrying to bring the next generation to life. Because I'm going to be completely honest bring the next generation to life. Cause I'm going to be completely honest.
Speaker 1:If it wasn't for the fact that I do desire at least one other child, I would not be in the running for marriage. I probably wouldn't marry for years, maybe until I was 50 or something like that. I probably wouldn't marry for years because, to me, marriage is not a vehicle, you know, just because we love each other. Because to me, marriage is not a vehicle, you know, just because we love each other. Marriage is a structural. It is a structure, it is a business, right? We've romanticized it. I'm like y'all don't understand. Marriage is not to be romanticized in that way. Marriage is a structure to facilitate, you know, bringing the next generation to life, wealth building, legacy building, right. And yeah, I would. I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it unless you know, if I didn't, if I didn't want like another child, so to say, I would just be out here frolicking and just skipping down the street with all of my amazing men, and whoever wants to stay and kick it with me, they can. If they don't, they can just choose somebody who wants to be married.
Speaker 1:But, anywho, my approach to vetting, I want to share how I vet men for exclusivity based upon my standards, why I have not claimed any of these men that I'm dating and why I will not claim them until certain metrics are met. So I do have a whole process called the roster to relationship process that I teach my clients and I go into depth. It's a whole thing Like, for example, before you even qualify to be a part of my starting roster. Well, let me go through the three stages right Of what I walk my clients through. There's three stages that a man needs to go through before they become my man or they become my client's man. The first is the roster right, and the roster is like they are men who are showing early interest, but they are still in the process of proving themselves. So they're fun to engage with, but it's too soon to know if they're a serious contender, right?
Speaker 1:Some people might say, oh, this is the talking stage, so to say. And so for the starting roster to even be on a starting roster number one, I have to be attracted to you. I have to be attracted to you. I have to be attracted to you. There is no oh, let me give him a chance because he's interesting, or let me give him a chance because he's this and he has that. I'm not giving nobody a chance that I do not get turned on by. I'm not giving anybody a chance that I do not look at and I'm like, ooh, like I'm just not doing it. And I just noticed, with a lot of us good girl, like us recovering from good girl syndrome, or us being raised in, you know, in the church and being told like, oh, if he, he loves Jesus and he has characteristics and you shouldn't be shallow, no, I am. You can call me shallow, but I'm just not doing it Right. So that's the first thing. Are you attracted to him in the first place? We're not giving people chances.
Speaker 1:Do you enjoy the conversations you have with them? We be texting and talking to men that we don't even enjoy those conversations. So do you even enjoy the conversations, did he? Does he ask questions to get to know you? You do not qualify to be on my starting roster If you aren't asking me questions to get to know who I am as a woman, you know. And did he plan a date? If there's no date plan, you ain't on my roster. Okay, you just some random in the streets that I have decided to take a look at for a second or two, right? But if you have not planned a date, sir, you are not even really on my radar. Okay, so those are like. Those are like questions that you would ask yourself. Okay, so those are like. Those are like questions that you would ask yourself.
Speaker 1:Then I have like like 15 questions you need to ask yourself if he's going to move to the next stage, which is the rotation. Again, I'm not going to go through that here. If you want to become a client and really get access to these tools, you definitely can. But the rotation is the next step from the roster and these are men who consistently show up and demonstrate long-term potential. So these are the ones who align with your values, bring stability and add meaningful value to your life.
Speaker 1:And again, I use my own roster to relationship process. And I look at the men in my life and I'm like, okay, does he qualify for the rotation? Okay, he did this, he did that. All right, does he qualify for the roster? So I am looking at this and then I'm like, when it comes to exclusivity, yeah, you have not qualified for exclusivity yet. So that's the next stage. So we went from roster to rotation. Now we're going into the to the relationship. So you demonstrated long-term potential. You've aligned with a lot of my values. You brought stability. You've add meaningful value to my life. That's the serving and supporting and like consistent character. Again, I have a list of questions that you need to be asking in my roster relationship process. But the final stage before engagement or marriage, where it's just you and him, you both are committed to each other, that's the relationship.
Speaker 1:And so far, the reason why I have not claimed any man is because they have not met those requirements. So the requirements I have to make somebody my man number one, there needs to be a core value check. I check to see if a man's thoughts and actions align with and support my core values. So, for example, I have a core value of personal development, specifically heart-centered personal development, because there is a lot of personal development that one can do around, you know, being better in their careers or increasing their income. I love heart-centered personal development, which I teach as a dating coach. People don't understand that the dating skills I teach are actually life skills and improve you overall as a woman. But heart-centered personal development is around just being a better human period, being able to expand your capacity to receive more. Expand your capacity to have more power as a person, right, and so when we, for example, we talk about let's talk about Big Body Benz aka Cameroon, I had this intrusive thought that, oh, it's going to be so hard to meet an attractive man that does heart-centered personal development.
Speaker 1:You don't really see those Tora, but this man came into my life and he's extremely attractive to me and he does heart-centered personal development. And so when he started naming people, it wasn't even something I was asking for. We were just having conversation and he was like, yeah, so my mentor blah blah, blah, and I'm like, oh. I was like, oh my gosh, you know him, I know him. Oh my gosh, he's amazing and he does, he does heart centered work, oh my gosh. So I'm looking to see if thoughts and actions align and support my core values, so to say.
Speaker 1:I also have a core value of freedom. So the men that I'm dating, I noticed that they have approval for me for an example, pole dancing, and they're like, they also kind of like have traditional religious beliefs. So it's always funny to me how these men go to church every single week and they have all this religious, you know theology, and then they're like, oh, they're very accepting of our freedom to do poll. And one of them thought I was a stripper at one time and he was like, you know, I wasn't trying to judge, I was just trying to explore more of like who you are and what you do. So that's supportive in my freedom.
Speaker 1:But there's also places where I'm like I don't really know if he actually sees my freedom in this area. You know, I don't know. For example, I can sometimes I can peep certain things where I'm like well, this feels, this feels kind of misogynistic. Let me delve into this a little bit deeper. Kind of like what one of the guys said about my pole dancing Like, let me just not judge her, let me just delve into it deeper and when I feel like I fully understand that piece and I have a full approval for it, I'll move forward. But other than that, if I don't understand that piece, I'm not finna be in a relationship with you.
Speaker 1:Okay, I've dated men who say they don't do, they don't want their woman to do, girls trips. I didn't know it was that many men. Who was against girls trips and I'm like you know I'm not the one for you. I know you, you know you treat me well and we're having a really great time. But I'm going to die on that hill because there's a lot more that comes along with you not wanting me to go on girls trips. There's an underlying belief there, there's an underlying insecurity there and I'm not available for that. Because I already been there and done that, I'm not doing that again, okay. So if you have a problem with me doing girls trips, we are not in the line with my core values. I will not be your girlfriend. You just don't have a chance. I might be in a situation with you, you know I might enjoy a nice, loving, healthy situation, but I'm not going to no committed relationship with you.
Speaker 1:Okay, and I also need to check and see if his beliefs and actions align with the core values he claims to have. Okay, you can't tell me that you have a core value of personal development. But when I ask you certain questions, um, I might ask you a question like hey, like you know what, what have you learned about yourself this week? And you can't tell me. Sir, I'm not doing it with you, I can't. I need to be able to ask you certain questions. I need to be able to see it performed in your life.
Speaker 1:So I know one of my, one of the guys in my rotation. One of his core values that I'm witnessing is being able to. I think it is serve servanthood. Because of the way I see him serve and he, he was just. I watched him one day. His home, his friends, his homeboy wife is pregnant and I just watched him. You know, go get groceries for her, go make sure there was air in her tire, right, go make sure, like because his friend was out of town and like we were at the house with the pregnant wife and yeah, I'm like, okay, this is servanthood. And just making sure he washed the dishes when she cooked. He just made sure he washed the dishes to make sure that she wasn't overextending herself.
Speaker 1:So I'm looking if you say that these are your core values. I'm looking to see if you are walking in them and I noticed that a lot of us women of faith, we like to choose men because of religion, because of to choose men because of religion, because of denomination, because of labels, because of titles like oh he's a Christian, I'm a Christian, yeah, he's a Muslim, I'm a Muslim and I'm like baby. No, absolutely not. You should choose men based upon your core values, and I'm having clients that come in that are women of faith that are telling me Tora. Now that I am choosing men based upon my core values, I'm realizing these men are treating me way better or they're showing up way better and they're living their life more in alignment with Christ than these men, than the pastor that I married right Then the Christian men that I'm accustomed to dating like they are showing up. They don't label themselves in that way, but they're showing up in a much better, loving, god-centered way. And if I wasn't, if I was so stuck on choosing based on religion, I will still be suffering at the hands of those men. Okay, so I'm not saying that you can't marry a Christian man or a Muslim man if that's what you want. What I'm saying is the priority should be core values. That should be your priority.
Speaker 1:So number one is, like the core value check. I'm always checking for core values. If I cannot see that you are in alignment and support of my core values and you're in alignment and support with yours, then I'm not going to do it. And here's the thing that takes some time right and I'm not going to do it. And here's the thing that takes some time right, that takes some time. It doesn't have to take a lot of time, but for me, talking about somebody going to be my man in two weeks, in a month, I just can't see it. I can't see it for me. Okay, I'm not, I just can't see it. Three I mean next is the relationship check. So we have the core value check. Next is the relationship check.
Speaker 1:So I love to observe how the men I'm dating are interacting with the important people in their lives. I do not understand how women decide that a man is their man without meeting important people in their lives, without building relationship with his friends, with the people he admires, with the people he says I love you too, with his friends, with the people he admires, with the people he says I love you too. I just don't get it whatsoever because we don't. We're not getting to know this man outside of him, right? We're not getting to know this man through the perspective and eyes of others, and that's extremely important. If I'm going to be doing, if I'm going to be doing life with you, if I say you're my man, I'm doing life with you. Okay, I'm looking for who is he to? The people in his life, what kind of relationship does he have with his mother? That's important His kids, his employees? If he's a business owner, his employer?
Speaker 1:I went into relationships when men did not have really good relationship with their mother and I kind of blew it off. I will never do that again. I learned the hard way of being with a man who has a horrible relationship with his mother. There, there, there was all types of lack of respect for women on the onset, like, oh, you're doing all these nice things for me, you're showing up for me, because the hatred you have in your heart for your mother you are not. You don't think of women in general as someone worthy of respect, right? So I need to see that relationship you have with your mother Again.
Speaker 1:Your kids, you know, speaking of kids. I was thinking about Love is Blind and Tyler and Ashley and how all this stuff has come out on TikTok about how he claimed to be just a sperm donor but he actually naturally fathered three kids and decided to propose to Ashley on the love is blind and she's like in, full of acceptance, even though the mother of the children is saying something completely different, as well as her mother, the grandmother and I'm like I, my coochie would dry up. My coochie would literally become the Sahara desert. It would be cracked and dried, literally become the Sahara desert. It would be cracked and dried. If a man that I'm dating has abandoned his kids and so in whatever the sense like that thing would turn me off. I don't care how good a man treats me. If you have abandoned your children, you have not taken full responsibility for them as their father. I'm drying up, okay, but a lot of times we're not getting to know that. We're not exploring that relationship. Okay, we're not doing that at all. And it's so interesting talking about uh, talking about kids.
Speaker 1:I remember my friend Christina. She was out here um in Dallas this past weekend getting a photo shoot for her upcoming birthday. If y'all know, she celebrates for the whole month of November. So we're going to be in New York next week, but she came down to take her photos in Dallas and we both spoke to each other's men that were dating. We both had conversations with each other's men and we had a conversation after the fact because she talked about how in the past, where she she dated guys with kids and noticed that the guy might have a certain standard for like may relate to her one way, but not want her, his daughters or their daughters to interact a certain way, and that actually jogged my memory to be like, yeah, I really need to make sure that the men that I'm dating, if you're relating to me as a woman, then I need to understand. For example, I do pole, right, I need to know that you're not going to be like oh yeah, it's okay, you do pole, but when it comes to your daughters, you're like, oh, that's heathen activity, that's sex worker activity. No, daughter of mine should get involved. Like, that's a disconnect, that's a huge disconnect and I'm not available for that either. So, yeah, so, yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1:What kind of relationships does he have with people in his life? Are we checking the relationships he has with his friends and mentors and things like that Women love. I don't understand it. But there are women that are dating lone wolves, men who are like I don't have any friends, oh, I'm just out here alone, like, oh, I don't like people, people aren't in my life like that, and I'm like that's crazy. That's a character flaw to you. You don't know how to create connections. I'm looking at, you know, big Body Benz.
Speaker 1:He travels to birthday parties for his friends across the country, right, even if it's just a weekend, and watching how he celebrates them and show up for them, then I got my ride or die. He's always giving money out to help the people that are closest to them. They'd be like, hey, bro, I just I need to borrow 15K because I need to buy this, I need to invest in this business. And he's always like, okay, I'll make sure that you have the money and you can just pay it back at this time. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:Right, I see the relationships he had with them, when he's on the phone with them, when they're calling, and how, when he's like, hey, it's going to be a no for me, I'm not going to be able to give you this money, because the last time I gave you money, it did not help you at all. You did not increase your investment. So because of that, I'm not going to give you any more money, because my expectation is that you're going to increase your investment, which reminds me of the parable in the Bible about the talents when the master gave out the talents to the servants the first servant five, the second servant three and the third servant one and when he came back, the one with the one talent, he did not multiply, so he snatched his talent from him. I was like, oh my gosh, not you snatching talents from your friends and family. But anywho, I'm seeing Saudi right, the Saudi who I'm dating like being praised by everyone.
Speaker 1:I see him meet like just show so much love. Whenever he goes out in places and people are like, oh my gosh, what are you doing in town Hugging him? Just so much love People are showing him. I'm like that's a testament to his character, okay, and even with big body bands, like he's retired military and so I plan on speaking. He's like, hey, I'm going to have some of my commanding officers speak to you. You know on behalf of who I am. And I'm like, yeah, hook me up. Who was your lieutenant? Who was this? Like, I need to know who was telling you what to do and what type of directions you were following. So, yeah, relationship checks are important. Again, I can't bet relationships in two weeks and a month. I'm not able to do that in two months, okay, so for me to go asusa with a guy in two months is, yeah, I can't do it. Just, I'm just not going to do it. Um, next is hardship check. Right, there needs to be a hardship check for me.
Speaker 1:Like, I pay attention to how a man handles difficult situations, okay, and what that looks like is who is this man when he is told no, right? And that's very, very important to me, because I tend to date men who are in a position of power and status, whether it's way by money, whether it's way by, like, the way he's positioned himself in his businesses, right, and those types of men sometimes they don't like being told no, right, no is an issue for them, because they're used to getting their way. And so I need to see how you react when you are told no. How do you react? Do you push back on boundaries? Do you throw a temper tantrum? Do you try to manipulate. I need to know what that looks like. Okay, I need to watch you when you don't get your way, all right. What happens when you don't get your way? Maybe something happened in your business, right? Maybe something happened, I know, sometimes, with my ride or die. He owns a. He owns a truck company and there are times where he's not getting his way with his employees and also sometimes where there's really really big accidents where there's a lot of money to be paid out because of these accidents, and so I'm always watching him when he's stressed and under pressure. What kind of decisions is he making under pressure, right?
Speaker 1:I have had so many clients that have chosen to walk away from a man who didn't do well under pressure. Hell, I'm my own client, right, because I do this work myself. I remember telling you guys I've walked away from my ride or die several times because I didn't like the way he performed under certain pressure. Again, I talked about how me being sick and that was that's a stressful position, especially if a man doesn't have like range to be with a woman who really needs support and, um, uh, when she can't do for herself, she might be dealing with a lot of emotions. And, yeah, I walked away because he didn't have capacity for me and my sickness. I'm like yo, I'm out, right, I know this is a stressful place and I'm not judging him for it. I wasn't judging him for it, I'm just like he just didn't have the capacity for it and I got to walk away from it. Now he's come a long way, but I did not overlook the fact that that was a problem and I've had clients walk away from men because, under pressure, they shut down, like they are hard to reach.
Speaker 1:Maybe you try to call them and they're not answering the phone. Maybe they say they're going to reach out and they don't reach out. But because they're in their head about whatever issue, they can't communicate. They can't, they can't. They emotionally shut down. It's like, yeah, you're an amazing man who does amazing things, but, sir, I can't be with you. You shut me out, you're shutting me out and I can't be with a man who emotionally shuts down when shit gets hard. Um, there are men who will serve and support you, but then when they learn more about you, maybe they learn more about your finances and how well you're doing, even if they're making more money. That can be intimidating to certain kinds of men and you got to really peep that. You got to. Um, you got to peep if they're celebrating you and your success. You got to peep if they are looking to to serve you in your success, or they like to downplay or they don't care about what you're doing. That's important. And a man can treat you amazingly in the first month, in the first two months and when these things start coming to play like you need to be on the lookout for this.
Speaker 1:I remember dating a guy and we were in the car together for the first time. Right, I just thought he was so attractive, we were having so much fun and he treated me so well. But we got in the car and this elderly lady was on the road and she was driving really, really slow and he had to pass her. He was like, oh, he's like you, stupid bitch. And I was like, now you calling the elderly woman a stupid bitch? I'm like there's no way. I'm actually I'm done here, like there is absolutely no way. I don't care. Like he would praise me like, oh my gosh, I don't know women like you and you're amazing and you're this and you're that. None of that impresses me. You can't you. I'm looking at how you treat people who are lesser than you. Hardship check Like you mad because she's driving slower than you, because you're not getting your way. Absolutely not. Cannot do it, can't do it.
Speaker 1:I also dated a guy that treated me so well but had a habit of calling other women hoes. I have a big problem with that Because to me it feels like you have a Madonna whore complex where you put a certain woman on a pedestal and you raise her up like you know Simba in the damn Lion King, right, like that's what you do to that woman. But when it comes to women that you deem less than that you don't approve of, then you look down on them and no, I only want to date men who love women. That's it. Like you got to love women. I don't care if she's a stripper, I don't care if she's a sex worker, I don't care. You need to be a lover of women, even if you disapprove of what she does. You need to love women and you cannot put me on a pedestal and put other women down and expect to date me.
Speaker 1:And the next one is support system check. I need to know what kind of support system have you created for yourself. This is different from relationships, because this is how men find support to grow as a man, to be a better man, to be held accountable, like sir. Who's holding you accountable? Who do you admire? Who do you admire, who do you feel safe and secure with? Right, because this is going to be a testament to his ability to be expressive and vulnerable, to his ability to have emotional support.
Speaker 1:Right, you want a man that has support. So when things get rough, he, he has someone he can go to. Um, he has people that can help him out. And here's the thing I'm his woman, I'm not his therapist. If I go into partnership with you, I'm not your therapist, I'm your woman. So I don't need you coming to dump everything on me. I would love to know where you're at on the emotional map, but I don't need you dumping onto me when you don't know how to solve your own problems, or if you want me to solve them for you. I need you to go to your support system. I need you to have something intact. We can go to them. You have a group of people wise men, um, some wise women that you can go and you can get some help from right and then we can come together, like as a partnership, to navigate it. But I don't need to be the person to hold that burden. We need to be able to stay romantically linked and if you're dumping on me, that's going to be a problem, okay. So who is the support system? All right, who was supporting him? Who was caring for him?
Speaker 1:You got to really pay attention to people who, when a man says I have no one to go to, it's a hard no for me. It's a hard no for me. No one understands me. It's a hard no for me. You don't have anybody in your life who understands you. It ain't going to be me. I'm not going to be the only one in your life that understands you and I'm out, okay.
Speaker 1:And I know some people might be listening to this and they're like oh, that's so horrible, tor, like you can't stick by him. No, I don't have any obligation to stick by you and your dysfunction. I'm not here to build you into who you need to be. That's your job. Ok, that's your job. And so I'm always listening to phone calls with these men to hear how he's talking to his friends and hear how he's talking to his family, his staff. I'm always watching the interactions he has with men, right. I would, I remember dating a man where all the conversation he had about his friends were about how his friends are just not like him, how he's so much more mature and I'm like riff leg, not doing it. You don't have friends that you deem worthy of being a mature adult. You think you're the best one out of your friends. It's going to be a no for me.
Speaker 1:Um, I mean in some real life examples, some real life examples of how men can serve and support but not yet qualify to be my man, right. So we went through a few things. We went through men needing. I do a core value check on men. I do a relationship check on men. I do a hardship check on men. I do a support system check. That means that men can really serve and support me and I not choose to be their man. That means that men can really date me and treat me extremely well and show up for me and still not qualify to be my man, all right. Um, we talk about the ride or die.
Speaker 1:Who served and support me so deeply again, got me a house right, pay my bills for a year, make sure I was well taken care of Um, and it's still to this day, but his ass needed therapy because he didn't have the emotional range right. He needed therapy and so that's why I was like, look, that's what you need to do. Okay, and now you know he needs to solidify some of his core values and his religious philosophy, because I already talked to y'all how he be with, how he flip flops and stuff like that. Like I need you to be more stable. Now here's the thing I understand where he's at right now, cause he's young, he's not 30 yet, but I'm not going to be like I'm not going to sacrifice my rotation, to be like I'm just going to be yours If those things are not put into place. Right, just not going to do it. And it's possible that we're just not a match. Okay, that's just very possible.
Speaker 1:There, saudi, he serves and supports me in so many different ways. He is long, long distance. So, like, the main way right now is, you know, sending money and things like that, but he, you know he isn't clear on his final destination. You know he lives in like he lives mainly in Saudi Arabia. There's no way in the world I would want to be there. Don't want to be there and it's mandatory that I meet certain people in his life and that just really hasn't come up yet. So it's a good chance that we're not a match and then we go to Big Body Ben's and he serves and supports. But I just met him last month, right. He called me the other day. He was like it's our one month anniversary. We met at the party one month ago. I was like okay, cheers to us. I don't know him and even though he's already showed up and he's been amazing so far, I don't know this man. I'm still trying to get to know who he is and how he makes decisions. That's important to me.
Speaker 1:I have a client right now. It's her first time ever experiencing this kind of love from a man, this kind of support from a man, and she's like Tara. I just you know she's so she's drawn towards being exclusive. And one time I pointed out I was like I think you're emotionally exclusive with him, right, and he hasn't earned that. And come to find out she was not clear on his finances, on where he was financially and his level of ambition. And she's a very ambitious woman. Her finances are very secure and I'm like, yeah, we can't be going exclusive with men and we're just not clear on where they are when it comes to their career and their ambition. And even though this man is showing up for you, you need to think long-term. So we can't just be being emotionally exclusive with the man when we have not rectified that yet.
Speaker 1:I have another client, who this man is, you know, showing up for her but realizing that this man is avoidant. He's avoidant certain issues he doesn't want to talk about, like he kinds of avoid those issues. There's no way in the world we need to be in a relationship. I don't care how good he treats you. We're not going to do this with this man because he's a void dent and we need to get to either get to the bottom of that and clean, like if he's willing to clean it up, or we just he can't be your man.
Speaker 1:And I need you to understand that all of this is not about. It's not time-driven, it's qualification-driven. This means that I could be dating you for a year and you still not meet the qualifications and that's okay with me. Okay, I'm not. I'm not stressed out about that, considering I have a rotation, I have a roster and a rotation. Right, I have men that I'm casually dating, I have men that, um, that I'm more serious with in my rotation. So that means I can date you for a year, right, cause I have all of these other men serving and supporting. I could be dating you for four months, five months, and you can meet the qualifications. It's not time-based, it's qualification driven.
Speaker 1:And there are some exceptions, right? Some exceptions about choosing a man. Maybe you did the roster relationship processing. You're like, well, tora, this isn't a big deal right here, but those exceptions should be based upon your intuition and your own knowing. They should not be because you're infatuated with this man, like, oh, I'm so in love and I'm infatuated, I'm going to skip the steps that Tora told me to go through. It's like, oh no, I actually have a knowing around this. This, right here, isn't a problem because this and then you make the choice, right. I wouldn't get confused, intuition confused with infatuation, right?
Speaker 1:So, for example, with big body bands, my preference would be to speak and really build a strong relationship with his mother, but his mother speaks French and I don't speak French, so for me I'm going to have to substitute speaking for his mother. I mean, I can do translation, yeah, but it's going to be harder for us to actually build a relationship without me knowing French right now. So, yeah, I'm going to have to figure that out. But I can find other ways to get the information that I need or the relationships that I need without it having to be with his mother per se. So I need y'all to understand that there are men who will serve and support you and still not qualify to be your man.
Speaker 1:A man might like the idea of you, but not who you actually are as a woman. A man might try to you know. He might serve and support you, but not he might also try to change you, right? He might try to have you do I want me a traditional wife, sir. I'm not a traditional woman, right? You're trying to, you're trying to treat me good so I can change, and that's not happening. Or a man will serve and support you. He might be a rescuer, right? A rescuing man, he. He just treats everybody great because it's how he receives love. And so, although he shows up and loves you, you might find out later that you hate how he feels obligated to show up for his mom, for his friends and his family. He's just driven to like, overextend himself to help those people and those people are not helping themselves. And you thought you was a special snowflake. But no, this man is a rescuer. So, like no, you treat me well. But like sir, you feel obligated to do this because this is how you receive love. You you're insecure about how you receive love and that's why you overgive.
Speaker 1:A man may serve and support you and he also might struggle with some type of addiction that you have no idea about. I have known so many women, especially Christian women, who have gotten married. They're like oh, my love story, we didn't have sex, for you know, we abstained and we got married. And then you find out that man was severely addicted to porn, and sometimes a man is gay. I'm not going to get into that, but we got to really start exploring these men for who they are. So, yeah, they can serve and support you, but they also have some other things that are out of alignment with who you want to be with long-term. So I vet men through this process, not to make things difficult for men or to act like I'm some kind of prize, even though I really am right. I'm not doing it just so that they can jump hoop so I can feel like I'm the queen and I'm better.
Speaker 1:I do this to ensure the person I partner with fits well into my life and I do it to maintain my high quality of life. If I'm going to be doing life with you, I need to know that you're easily integrated into my life. You could show up for me and do amazing things for me and still not qualify. When you have multiple men supporting you and bringing you joy, it doesn't make sense for me to give that up for someone who doesn't meet my standards, long-term for a long-term partnership. And if you've ever had to let go of a great rotation, my clients know what it feels. Like you know the withdrawals can be real. Like you are literally giving up all these amazing men for one man. You're giving up all these amazing men who serve and support you, for example, like the man that I choose to go exclusive with. Like we're going to have to negotiate some things. I'm like hey, this man took care of this. Are you open to taking care of that? This man showed up for me, um, and it's not like hey, you're better. I mean, they're better than you. It's like hey, if I'm going exclusive, this is what I'm losing. Okay, this is what is taken off the table for me. Are you open to handling that? So, anywho, that's how I met for man for Exclusivity.
Speaker 1:So if you're ever wondering like, why is Tora still single if her love life is so amazing, my love life is so amazing and that's why I'm still single. It's so amazing. Someone has to be incredible to take me off the market. So if you, you know, you listen to this episode and you're like Tora, I really want your help on this. I really want your help, like, navigating my love life and vetting these men. I want to go through the roster, the relationship process, and I want you to hold me accountable going through it, making sure that I'm not being infatuated and choosing men before I'm ready. I want your help creating a rotation of men who serve and support me so that I feel well loved in the door and I'm not trying to rush into a relationship or marriage.
Speaker 1:Please book a sales call with me and let's see about working together. You can book a sales call at the link of my show notes or you can go to my Instagram. And you can book a sales call at the link of my show notes or you can go to my Instagram and you can book a call there and on this call, we will figure out if working together makes the most sense for us. So, yeah, go ahead and do that and if you love this episode, which I'm sure you did, go ahead and write a review. I'm loving all the reviews that are coming in. I appreciate them so much. It's such a beautiful love offering, um, that I appreciate. So if you're wanting to give me a love offering from you know what I've been sharing with you thus so far, please do that, and I love you and until next time, bye.