Date with Cents
Date with Cents
3 Steps to Getting What You Want While Dating
Do you feel like you’re always settling in your love life? Maybe the men you date seem great at first, but they never step up in the way you need them to. You might even wonder if you’re asking for too much…or if the kind of relationship you want is even possible.
In this episode, I break down exactly how to stop settling and start getting what you want in dating.
We’ll talk about why it’s hard to figure out what you really desire, how to align your actions with your standards, and how to express your needs in a way that invites men to step up or step out. You’ll also hear real stories about how my clients have shifted from frustration to finding men who meet their expectations—and even exceed them.
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@torahcents
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Hello lover girl, welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. I ain't even finna hold you, girl, because today's gonna be one of those longer episodes, because I got carried away again on Instagram live. I said, okay, I'm gonna go on live for 20 minutes and I'm gonna hop on, hop off, and then you know, I was on there for over an hour but I'm like I'm going to give them all of it. It's recommended listening. You definitely should listen to it. It's so good and it's really, really important for you as a woman. If you are thinking that, you know, dating isn't supposed to feel like this it feels like I'm settling. It feels like I'm chasing. It feels like I'm chasing. It feels like I'm hoping the men just get it. Why am I even doing this? I'm not getting what I want. I'm feeling some type of way about it. So this Instagram live that I'm about to share is just what you have been waiting for the three steps to getting what you want while dating and it is sponsored by the Well-Pleased Women Workshop, ta-da. I am opening doors early enrollment for the Well-Pleased Women Workshop. This is an annual thing for me. This is something I regularly do, but in this workshop, it is all about you stopping settling. Stop settling for what men offer you and how to always get what you want, no matter who you're dating. In the workshop, you'll learn how to confidently ask men for what you want and graciously receive it, even if you're scared of asking, even if you feel uncomfortable about receiving. And then you'll also learn how, even if you feel uncomfortable about receiving. And then you'll also learn how to be adored and appreciated so that dating feels fun and enjoyable instead of draining and frustrating. So it will be in January, january 18th, saturday, from 10 am to 2 pm. It will be live and it will also be a replay available after the recording. And if you went to the last workshop, you already know what time it is. When we did that workshop, we had so many success stories about ladies getting what they want before they even left the call, before they even left the workshop, because it's not a lecture, right? These podcasts. I'm talking at you, instagram live. I'm talking at you, instagram live. I'm talking at you In my workshops. We're doing this work together. You're doing it with me and other ladies in the room, so it will be very interactive. I will be doing hands-on coaching, because you may have specific blocks that may keep you from getting what you want, and you will be going out in breakout rooms to get this work done as well. So I'm so excited and if again, the last workshop was such a success and this one is going to be even better because I'm just I'm making some updates. So, anywho, the first 25 ladies so we're in early bird right now Early bird until if you're listening to this podcast, you probably got two more days and the first 25 ladies are going to get a script bundle of how to express themselves, conversation starters with men on how to easily and confidently express yourself to get what you want. So you can. It's $197. And it's so funny because even on the workshop, there were ladies who recouped their investment in the workshop right before they got off the workshop call.
Speaker 1:But the link will be in the show notes. I'll make sure the link is there and you can go to the link in my. No, you can't. You can't go to my Instagram right now. It's not there. Just go to the link in my show notes. You can't go to my Instagram right now. It's not there. Just go to the link in my show notes. If you are on Instagram, you can comment, desire or send me a DM. Send the DM desire to me and you will automatically get a link if you go to Instagram. But yeah, so this Instagram live is sponsored by that workshop. I would love to see you there January 18th, saturday, from 10 am to 2 pm, and if you can't be there, you can get the replay. So, without further ado, here is the live.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about today three steps of getting what you want while dating. Now, the problem that we have here is that so many of us are asking the question. You know, I feel like I'm constantly settling, okay, I feel like I'm constantly selling, because the men that I date do not step up. They do not step up the way I need them to or the way I want them to, the way I desire them to. And then some of us feel like, am I asking for too much here? Is this too much for what I'm asking, or are men just not capable of giving me what I need? So I might hear women say things like that. Like, are men actually capable of giving me what I need as a woman? And I need you to understand.
Speaker 1:Like you guys, I post a lot about what men do for me while dating and how men show up for me, whether it's trips that they're taking me on, whether it's simple things like giving me flowers, whether it's dates what I call desire dates, because these dates really light me up, and I only accept desire dates, dates that light me up, and these could be first dates, these could be men that I have dated for a period of time, but I'm able to do these things and I'm also able to get my clients similar results because of these steps that I'm going to be sharing with you today. Okay, so the first thing that you want to do if you want to get what you want while dating is discover your desires in the first place, which is really, really important, because you can't get what you want if you don't know what you want. I'm going to say it again you cannot get what you want if you don't know what. That is the reason why I'm saying it. It sounds very, very simple, but the reason why I'm saying it is because most women, especially high achieving women of faith.
Speaker 1:We've been groomed to be nice. We've been groomed to be helpers and to show up for everybody else. We've been groomed to do things for other people but not really have expectations for ourselves. So we often struggle with what we want. We know we want people to be good to us. We know we want romance. We know we want men to treat us well. We know we want men to take us out on dates. But we don't know the tiny little micro desires that come along with that. So, yes, you want to be treated well. What is treated well look like for you. What is the desire that looks like for you?
Speaker 1:So, for example, if you don't want to go out on dates because you're like, oh, it's going to take me so much time to go across town and to, you know, drive myself over and I don't want to do that, well then that points to a desire that you have, and that desire might be I want men to help out with transportation. That desire might be I only want to date men who are open to planning dates within a five mile radius. Right, that might be a specific desire that you have because you have annoyances and frustrations around a particular thing and you don't want to handle it for whatever reason. Right? So I had a client recently and she was concerned about meeting up a guy in a different city. Right Meeting up a guy in a different city and I let her know.
Speaker 1:I said the reason why this is a problem is because you have not identified what you actually desire and what you actually desire to do, because this wouldn't be confusion to you, this wouldn't be concerning to you, if you listed out desires. And she said I don't really have desires, tora, I don't really care. We could meet up for coffee. I was like no, no, if you have to say I don't mind, I don't care, it's not a big deal, I'm open to it. That's the key that you have not identified your true desires. You are just going with the flow, right? You are not dating with intention. If you're saying, oh, I'm open, I could do that, no, what actually do you want?
Speaker 1:We went back and forth for like five minutes on our coaching call because she kept saying I don't have desires. I said that is not true. You're not tapped into your desires. And so we worked together to tap into the desires and she came up with this intricate list of the types of dates that she wants, the creativity of the types of dates that she wants, the style of the dates that she wants, the exact location of the dates that she wants. And when I saw that list and I was like I knew, I knew you just didn't have desires, you just had not tapped into it. And these desires felt so sexy, they felt so grounded, they felt so fun and I said now, these men that you're now attracting, I need you to send them to these men so we can make this happen.
Speaker 1:Okay, but often us high achieving women of faith like we struggle to identify our desires. We aren't conditioned to expect anything. We're conditioned to prioritize other people, we're conditioned to fear Like I don't want to be too much, I don't want to be extra, I don't want to feel demanding. That's how we come across. So, for those of you on this live, I really want you to take a moment and I want you to ask yourself what do I truly want? Yes, I know I don't want to feel drained, but what do I want so that I don't feel drained? Yes, I want to feel adored, but what do I want that's going to make me feel adored? I know that I want to feel emotionally supported, but what is going to lead to me feeling emotionally supported? Not what I think I should want, because us good girls, right of recovering good girls were like well, I probably should ask for this. Don't think about what you should want. I want you to think about what actually lights you up, what really puts a smile on your face.
Speaker 1:So I have a client that's recovering from good girl syndrome. We have been working for the last couple of months to shed all like to shed it, because that gets in the way of us asking for what we want. And so I told her. I said I know you want to be abstinent and you're not ready for sex right now. So what would it look like for a man to provide intimacy for you and sex wasn't involved? What would it look like for a man to show up for you and sex didn't have to be on the table, but you wanted to to tap in? She's like yeah, I really want to tap into my sensual side without having sex on the table, and what that led to is the desire for a man to just hold her for hours. That was the desire that she had, the specific desire that catered to what she wanted. And the good girl side of her was like oh, this feels like a lot, this feels like too much.
Speaker 1:But eventually, what she was able to do is to communicate it to a man and, from that communication, a man that she ended up dating. She met him on Bumble. I believe she ended up dating. She met him on Bumble. I believe he ended up again holding her for hours. He booked a hotel room and he held her for hours without sex being a part of the conversation. He was just there for her to provide that level of support, right?
Speaker 1:But she would have never really known what she wanted, because after the fact she was like oh my was absolutely amazing, it's absolutely what I needed. She would have never gotten to that point if she hadn't taken the time to ask like, what do I truly want? Not, what I'm supposed to want is a good girl, not what the world tells me I should want, not what the church tells me. What I should want. Like, what do I think I like? What actually likes me, what actually excites me? What? What actually do I really really desire to do? And so I want you to ask yourself what do you truly want? What kind of communication do you desire? You don't want men to be texting you throughout the day. You don't want good morning texts. What do you actually want?
Speaker 1:You are annoyed at the fact that people keep asking you to go on house dates. Or you're mad that people keep asking you to go on house dates. Or you're mad that people keep asking you to go out for dinner, for drinks. You don't want to do that anymore. Instead of getting annoyed, get a desire. Instead of getting frustrated, get a desire right. You're tired of men asking you for certain pics Like you're like oh, I don't want. A man is asking me for picks. I'm tired of men asking me for picks. Instead of being tired of men asking for things, you ask for something. Deep down inside, you are annoyed and tired of men having audacity. Because you don't have the same audacity, because you are not open to asking, is because you don't have that level of boldness to show up for yourself to do it.
Speaker 1:So I want you to take it upon yourself to ask yourself what do you truly want? If you did not, if you had no fear of judgment, of criticism, of feeling like you are not enough, like I would love for you to come up with that. So that's the first thing I want you to do from that live. And so, for me, I do desiree Discovery two different ways. Okay. So the first way I do Desiree Discovery is monthly. I think about the things that I want and I think about the experiences that I want to have. I'm like, okay, tara, what would light you up this month? What would feel good for you this month? What have you not experienced in a while that you would like to experience? So, what are some new things that you would love for men to either purchase, for men to actually execute, for men to actually plan, for men to actually do? What would you want? And those are the things that I look that I want to. I want to come up with the second thing, that the second way I come up with this desire discovery, and I also do this with my clients, my clients. I do desire discovery with my clients on our monthly workshop, our monthly relationship. Goal. Calls like those are important for uncovering those.
Speaker 1:But another thing that I do is when I meet a new guy, I think about the experiences that I want to create with him, specifically him, because every guy has a different personality, every guy has a different way of living and showing up in our lives, and so I'm like, oh, this guy, he is adventurous, he loves to do adventurous things. Well, I want to go on this particular kayaking trip with this person. Right, I want to do it with him because he's that kind of man, he's that kind of person. I want to have a helicopter date with him because he's that kind of man, he's that kind of person. I want to have a helicopter date with him because he's that kind of man, he's that kind of person. And I think about this other guy and I'm like, oh, I really want to try this really new, fancy, intimate dining experience with this man, because I feel like it would be really sexy with him to do, or I feel like it would be very cozy with this guy to do. I want to do it with this guy because it just feels so ooh, ooh, ooh. He makes me feel like ooh, ooh. So I want to do a ooh, ooh, ooh experience.
Speaker 1:If you're just, if you're listening to this and you're not watching, I'm just shaking my body a little bit because it just feels good to think about, that's so good to think about. So I think about the man that I want to do it with and then I'm like, I think about the man, his personality, and I'm like, oh, I want to do this with him. If he's an intellectual, I'm like, oh, I would like to read this book with this man. I would like to listen to this podcast while we're having wine with this man, because he's an intellectual. I want to have intellectual discussion with him while drinking this wine and listening to this podcast and having conversations around this particular podcast. That's the experience that I want to have with this particular man. So those are the two ways that I think about my desires in that way.
Speaker 1:So I want you to write down three things you desire for the upcoming month, let's say December. Let's say December is what you want to do. Think of three things you want to do. Yes, yes, yes. If you're going to do that, put a two in the comments. Put a two in the comments if you're actually going to pick your three desires and put it out there. I'm glad that you love the message. I'm happy that you guys are here, but, yeah, go ahead and put that in the comments, because I definitely want to see all of you guys who are going to put this into practice.
Speaker 1:So that's step one. Okay, step one. One, okay, step one. Step two is be intentional about your desires. Once you have discovered, you've done desire discovery. Now it's time to be intentional and this is what I'm very adamant with my clients about. I'm like girl we set these relationship goals. You have your desire goals. We have to be intentional about receiving. Receiving this Okay. Now it matters, because if you're not clear about what you intend, if you don't intend it, you'll accept anything, you'll go with the flow and that's how you end up settling If you are not clear about what you want, if you're not intentional about what you want.
Speaker 1:So, for example, I get women coming to me all the time and they're like Tora, no one celebrates my birthday. The men didn't do this for my birthday and they didn't do that for my birthday and show up and I'm like what did you ask for? Well, nothing. I just expected, because they knew it was my birthday, that they would. So you want people to have an expectation of how big you see your birthday. You want them to look inside of your brain to know how excited you are at your birthday and what you expect and the standard that you set for your birthday. Like, you just want that right. Well, I shouldn't have to tell anybody. You shouldn't have to tell people who don't know you or who do not know what your expectations are, what you want, and a lot of people are able to watch me receive these things birthday trips, things like that and they don't realize.
Speaker 1:I do a lot of asking. I do a lot of requesting, of requesting. Last year, no, earlier this year, a guy asked me. He said hey, your birthday's coming up, what do you want to do? I was like I would love. I'm feeling adventurous. I would love a trip to Universal Studios, the Islands of Adventure. I want to ride all the rides because I have been stressed and I would love for someone to take me to Islands of Adventure. I want to be able to do that and I said and when I'm there, I would love to have a VIP pass, an express pass, so I don't have to stand in line, because I don't want to spend my time standing in line and looking at people. I don't want to do that. I want to get to the front of the line as quick as possible and be able to ride every ride. I want to ride in that park, very quick and very easy. I would also love to be able to have a nice. I want to be able to see my friend out there. She's there. I want to see my friend. I want to have dinner with her. I want us to have a birthday dinner with her. That's going to be enjoyable for me. I want to have dinner with her. I want us to have a birthday dinner with her. That's going to be enjoyable for me. I want that. That's important for me.
Speaker 1:And I listed the type of home that I wanted to stay in while I was out there and I said I want to go kayaking. You know I love adventure. You know I love nature. I want to go kayaking. And when we got there, I got everything I wanted and more. And then it got to the point where I was like, okay, I'm tired, I want to go home. But we had one more stay out there. I was like I would like for us to go home early, if that's possible. He changed the tickets, changed the Airbnb, we was out of there. But I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting for him to just know what I wanted and to show up for my birthday.
Speaker 1:You asked me for what I want. I'm going to tell you. Now. You could also say hey, I'm not ready to do that for you. I don't want to do that for you Like. I give men the option to tell me no, right? You have to be willing to give men the option to just say no to you, right? That's okay with me. You say no, you don't want to do it. But I have to be very intentional. I have another client. I'm going to actually post about her Good girl.
Speaker 1:She was suffering from good girl. She just wanted men to read her mind. She just wanted men to just provide for her. She wanted men to just be generous. And I was like what have you asked for? What have you intended for? What have you put out there? What have you decided? You were going to get no matter what, and she didn't have an answer for it.
Speaker 1:Well, let me tell y'all this birthday was the most intentional birthday. She had planned out all the gifts that she wanted ahead of time. She planned out I want this perfume, I want these roses, I want these roses to the amount of roses for my age. I want someone to buy it for me, right, I want all these things. And she literally just put it out there. She just sent messages. She was like, hey, this is what I want. Hey, this is what I like. She sent it to men that she was dating. She sent it to platonic friends and all of those people said, yes, she asked one of the new dates, right? So for those of y'all who are like, but what if we just met, what do I ask for?
Speaker 1:She just met a man on Bumble and, mind you, this is a woman who act like she could meet quality men on online. Mind you, this is a woman who act like she couldn't meet quality men on online, right? She met this man on Bumble and she asked him. She said I would really love it if you could put together a nice birthday playlist for me. I really want these kinds of songs on it. I want these songs. He's like these songs would light me up, like not.
Speaker 1:She didn't name the exact songs. She named, like, the feel that she was looking for in the pocket of, in the, in the playlist from a guy she had just met on bumble that week. And this guy came back with this amazing playlist and she said she felt like she wanted to tear up when she got the playlist. She didn't ask this man to spend money on her. She didn't ask him to go out and run a errand for her. She simply asked for a playlist that gave the feel that she wanted to feel on her birthday and he did it. He did it. One guy ended up cashing up for her $600. And I'm thinking it's because she wanted a photo shoot, and I think that's why he sent it to her, because she requested a photo shoot. Yes, that's what it was. I'm gonna ask her after this to confirm it, but I think that's what it was.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, there has to be some intention. Once you know what your desires are, how are we gonna intend to get it? Are we gonna just hope people are going to pick up on it? Are we gonna come up with a plan? Y'all know I have a friend.
Speaker 1:Every year for her birthday, the month of her birthday, she sends out, she crafts a message and she sends it out to everybody Friends, men, she's dating. It's my birthday month. Here's how I would like to be adored, how like pick one of these things to adore me. I would love for you to adore me that way. Very intentional. She thinks about it ahead of time. She's looking on Instagram for things that make her smile. She's saving them, she's sending them to us. She's looking up things like maybe a Facebook ad might come up and she's like, oh, I like this. She puts it to the side. Maybe she's out one day and she sees something in a store and she's like, oh, I like this, I like this and I want to put it out there.
Speaker 1:So, again, think about, be intentional about your desires. Be intentional about what you're going to put on, and that means are you actually dating men who have the capacity to give it to you? And that means are you actually dating men who have the capacity to give it to you? Be intentional about the men that you're dating. Being intentional looks like I have a desire and I am going to choose people that I am consistently showing up for my desire. Just because one man says he's not going to do it doesn't mean another man won't. Being intentional means recognizing red flags early on when men don't align with your desire. So, for example, one of my desires is, if a man wants me to come outside of my house after 9 pm when it's dark, my desire is that he always send me a car. That's my desire.
Speaker 1:I had a guy that I had met and we had a really great first date. It was so nice. I picked the spot. I thought it was very intimate and juicy. I thought it was amazing.
Speaker 1:The second date he's like I really want to see you. I want to see you so bad. Are you open to a spontaneous movie date? And I was like sure I'm open to a spontaneous movie date. And I was like sure I haven't been to a spontaneous movie date. He said, okay, so this is the movie. Would you like to see it? And I was like, oh, yeah, I want to see that movie.
Speaker 1:So he gave me the time for the movie. That time was 9.25. And I said, okay, I would love for you to send me an Uber. It's after nine o'clock. I don't feel comfortable driving at night. He was like, yeah, he was like no, that's not the first thing I said. He was like you don't. He said you don't drive, you don't have a car. And I was like I have a car. I just don't feel comfortable driving that late at night, especially if I'm requested to do so. And he was like well, I don't have the app. And I said, well, you can download the app. He says, oh, I'm going to have to have space on my phone.
Speaker 1:I was like you know what I'm saying, that you're having some trouble here. I don't think we're. You know, I don't think we're a good fit, because if it has to take that, if the man has all of these excuses, he doesn't have the capacity to fulfill my desires. If a man is consistently giving me excuses as to why he can't do something, he does not have the ability to fulfill my desires. And I say you know, it's not a good fit, we're not a romantic match. I, the men that I date now have no problem sending me a car. Okay, they have no issue sending me a car. I remember there was a guy who was supposed to um one of the guys that I'm dating right now. His flight was late, his flight was delayed. Okay, his flight was delayed. And so when he got into town, he was like look, my flight's delayed, I know I'm late, I'm sending you a car to pick you up right now.
Speaker 1:I didn't have to ask at this point because the expectation is known. I've already made my expectations, I've already let them know how I feel about it. So therefore, there's no need for me to ask at this point, because some of you guys come to me. Y'all don't want to ask. Get to the point where you don't need to ask because you're so intentional about your desires.
Speaker 1:When you're intentional about your desires, you will get to a point where you don't have to ask anymore. And when I say anymore, I mean for certain things, because I'm always asking for things. I never stop asking for things. Yesterday, one of my guys bought me a really nice bouquet of flowers really nice bouquet. I didn't have to ask for it. You know why? Because I have asked him enough for flowers. I've told him the types of flowers that I like. So now when I come into town, he's like you've been away for so long, I miss you. I bought you these amazing, amazing flowers and I was like yeah, I love it. You know, I love these flowers. I didn't have to ask because I've been asking.
Speaker 1:Right, that's just the standard now and recognizing red flags when men don't align with your desires, you will know if a man is giving you excuses whether he can fulfill your desires or not. I will also say that when you are intentional about your desires, like, you know them in advance and your intention is for them to always be fulfilled. But I'm not ever attached to who can fulfill them for me. I'm not attached to a particular man to fulfill it for me. So some of us get caught up in. I don't want to ask because I don't want him to say anything about it. I don't want him to feel some type of way. I don't care if you feel some type of way, because if he can't fulfill the desire, then I need to keep it moving. I need to match with somebody who will do it. I'm not attached to the man. I want my experience. I'm not attached to a particular man. I'm committed to my experience. Okay, so be intentional.
Speaker 1:Put a two in the comment section if this makes this makes sense. So what I want you to do next is I want you to look at the men that you are, look at your top desires that you have for the next month and the men that you are entertaining currently. Are they capable of fulfilling them? Are the men that you are currently dating? Now, whatever the desire is, again, it doesn't have to be anything he has to spend money on. It could be as simple as I don't desire good morning texts. I desire date logistics, communication with date logistics, right. It could be as simple as communication desires, right? I'm looking for a man. I desire for a man to give me a foot rub Like is he capable of that? Like, ask yourself are the men capable of that? If not, if a man is not capable, ask what needs to change. What needs to change? That's the second thing you need to ask yourself, because that is what intention looks like. Intention does not look like go with the flow and hope. He shows up for you. It's deciding what you're going to do ahead of time.
Speaker 1:Step three so step one we have. Step one is discover your desire. Step two is be intentional about your desires. And step three is expressing your desires clearly. Just because you know your desire, just because you have the desire, you're intentional doesn't mean that you're going to, doesn't mean you're clearly expressing it. I will have clients send me screenshots of them requesting something and they're like Tora he ignored it, he didn't say anything and I was like this is because you didn't express nothing, you hinted. You hinted at something that you wanted, but you didn't actually outright express what you actually want and it makes it easy for people to overlook because you're hiding, you're scared, you're scared, you have fear and you bury your desire in the text versus being outright with it.
Speaker 1:Your desire needs to stand alone. You don't need to be talking to a man and just insert your desire. The desire needs to be a separate conversation, outside of the conversation you've been having with this man. You do not need to be having a conversation with a man and then try to insert a desire. It does not work that way. Your desire deserves his undivided attention. That is what you need to be focused on.
Speaker 1:Men are not mind readers and men are not. I would not put I would not try to when it comes to men multitasking, I would not try to get a man to multitask. Your desire deserves is undivided attention. They are not mind readers and they need to know what you want and they need to know what you want, clearly, ok, but the problem is expressing our desires feel really hard.
Speaker 1:We have fear of rejection. We have fear of being told we're demanding or being feel like we are asking for too much. Some of us feel like we're being gold diggers and we don't want to be seen that way, which is why, when we have a desire, we know what the desire is. We're really timid about showing up for ourselves and putting it out there and we hint at things. We point to things, we're passive, aggressive about things, but we're never saying the thing. We're never clear about the thing, and that needs to change. So we get annoyed because we don't express the thing. We get frustrated because we don't express the thing. We get passive, aggressive because we don't express the thing.
Speaker 1:Again, like I went back and women are like, well, he's not doing this for me. Did we ask for it? Did we ask for it? Clearly he should already know. Why should he already know?
Speaker 1:I get tired of a man who doesn't. I remember I was seeing this post where a woman was like a man, asked me for a date and he asked me what I wanted to do. Real men plan dates. What happened to real men planning dates? And I'm like this is weird. It's really weird that you would want a man to ask you on a date and you would want him to plan the date knowing that he doesn't know who you are. So if he plans a date you don't like, then it becomes a problem versus you deciding ahead of time exactly what you want.
Speaker 1:Just read our minds and just figure out what the date is about and how we want the date to be. We want a man to read our minds and to communicate how we want them to communicate. Why is it he texted me this? Why is he always texting me that? How have you communicated how you like to be communicated to? Every woman doesn't want to be communicated to the same way. Every woman doesn't want to be talked to the same way. Every woman does not want to be texted the same way or called the same way. For example, me, I don't really care.
Speaker 1:Phone calls throughout the week is not really a thing for me right Now. I might do it for certain people that you know I'm like super, super, super, super, like head over heels for, but it's typically not my thing, right? I typically like in-person interaction, right? Another woman might want regular phone calls. Well, you need to be clear about that. You need to be very clear and express hey for me.
Speaker 1:One thing I expressed because there was a guy who wanted to go out, who wanted to video call me. I wanted to have the first video call with him. I had the video call with him. Then the next day he gets off of work. He was like hey, are you ready for our video call? And I'm like I'm not available for a video call. I don't do video calls throughout the week when I have not gone on a date with you. I'm completely unavailable for that. My desire now is to go out on a date. Another woman might've loved that video call. I do not do video calls with men or have phone calls with men who are not actively taking me out on dates. I don't do it, okay. So therefore, I had to express my desire and let him know ahead of time that I'm not available for that. Like you, have to be very clear and express it so that he knows, okay.
Speaker 1:So I remember I had a client who she was hinting at a man sending her a car and she said Tora, I just don't feel like men would want to do that. A car. And she said Tora, I just don't feel like men would want to do that for me. Now she's regularly dating a man who sends her home in a car after every date, after every date, after she says she doesn't believe someone would want to do that for her or take out the time to do that for her, but be open to doing it for her. I have another client who oh, it's on the tip of my tongue, I'm forgetting, I'm forgetting. Oh, I had her make a list. I had her make a list of all the dates that she wanted to go on and to give it to this man weekly so he can choose something off the list. And this is how she has been going on all the types of dates that she wants, because she's been sending the man the list and tell it and letting him choose from it instead of like you need to be the plan. She's like here, here's what I want to do and you can plan it. Here's what I like to do and you can reserve. Here's what I can I like to do and you can reserve. Here's what I want to do and you can book it Whenever I people always say people.
Speaker 1:I share text messages of what men say to me and women are like Tora, they're love bombing. You, this looks like love bombing and I'm like I don't care. You know why I don't care if it looks like love bombing. You know why I don't care if it looks like love bombing? It's because I always express my desires to men who show me that amount of love ahead of time. Men who are like hey, I want to pursue something serious with you. Hey, I think I'm falling in love with you. Hey, I want to see what a future looks like for you Men who send me stuff like that, I make very strong desires, I express, I make requests.
Speaker 1:And so the guy that I most recently met at a party that day of our first date was after the party, but he lived long distance and I told him no, he said he was coming back for me. He was coming back for me. I didn't really take him seriously. He said I really think that I could love you and I want to pursue something serious. I'm like this is early. I wasn't freaking out about it, I wasn't annoyed. I was like okay, if that's what you want to do, sure, he booked a ticket to come back to see me and I said, before you come back, this is what I would love for you to do for me. I will. When you come back, these are the things that I want done. I would love for you to have me a African meal of fufu and iru and suya. I would love that African dish for me when I leave for pole and I meet up with you. I said that the second thing I would want is I want you to book me a evening midnight spa date. Um, I would love for you to book that for us and I said I would also love for you to book us a cozy afternoon at a winery. I would love that. I would love for you to book us a cozy afternoon at a winery. I would love that. I would love for you to do that. And he did everything. He came down and he made everything happen.
Speaker 1:That is why I don't get, I don't get concerned about love bombing. I don't get mad or fearful or annoyed or frustrated around what people see as love bombing, because I always I'm going to get bombed with my desires being fulfilled. I'm going to get bombed with men doing things for me. I'm going to get bombed with men showing up for me. Bomb me with that, because I always have requests and desires to be met. So if you're going to love, bomb me. I'm going to bomb you with my desires. If you're going to love, bomb me. I'm going to bomb you with my desires. If you're going to love, bomb me. I'm going to bomb you with requests. So I'm never, ever, ever concerned about any of that. People always ask aren't you concerned? No, because I'm going to get what I want.
Speaker 1:A love bomber is there to manipulate you into something and he's focused on doing things that serve him. I only date men who serve and support me, so that is why I express my desires so that he can come and show me how much he's willing to serve and support. That's it. So if he's love bombing me, I don't care, because I'm having a good ass time being being bombed with support and service, okay. So that's what I want y'all to pay attention to. When you feel like a man is love bombing you, bomb him with some requests, bomb him with some desires and allow him to serve and support you. Why are we scared of love bombing? That's crazy.
Speaker 1:All right, I'm gonna finish this up and then I'm gonna answer your questions. If you have any questions that you want answered, please put it in the question box so that I can easily see them. I will not easily see them in the chat because the chat is going. People are talking in here, all right, so put your questions in the chat if you want me to answer your questions. If you want that. Okay, the first thing I'm going, I'm doing a recap.
Speaker 1:Get clear on your desires. Discover your desires. Think about what the desires are in the first place. If you don't know what you want, it's time to figure it out. Even if you're not dating anybody right now, there's no reason why you shouldn't have a desire list. I don't care if your phone has been dry for months. There should be no reason you don't have a desire list.
Speaker 1:Number two be intentional about seeking your desires. Be intentional about okay, here's how I want to fulfill these desires. I want to meet these men. I want to be able to do this with a date. I want to be able to do this here. Let's see how I can make this happen. Right, whether I got a man or not, whether I'm dating or not. Right? This is how I plan to do it. This is how I would love for it to happen and this is how I'm going to make sure I don't date men who can't make it happen.
Speaker 1:And then, third, express your desire so that the right men can show up for you. Be very, very clear about what you're asking for. Don't try to hide it, don't try to hint at it, don't be passive, aggressive. You need to say the things. And for those of you who really want to get intentional about this, I am hosting a workshop on January 18th, saturday 2025. It is going to be from 10 am to 2 pm and it is an interactive workshop where you don't just listen to me lecture at you. Right now I'm lecturing you In the workshop. You will be doing this work with me and your peers and other ladies in the group. You will be going out in breakout rooms. You will be practicing this stuff so that you can feel confident executing. You will leave the call already getting like already having certain stuff done. When people come to my workshops, they leave the call with wins. They leave the workshop with having what they came to the workshop for the last time.
Speaker 1:I did this. Well, please. Women workshop. We had women saying Tora, I asked for this and I got it. Tora, I asked for that and I got it. Tora, I just sent this and I got it. Women who have never asked for things before, women who have been scared to do these things. If you're interested in coming to this workshop type desire in the comment section it's $197. And I'm telling you, a lot of these women recouped their fee before the workshop was over, based upon the experiences that they created. So again, I would love for you to join me for the workshop.
Speaker 1:The workshop is going to help you stop settling for what men offer you and how to get what you want. It's going to help you confidently ask for men for what you want and you graciously receiving it, even if you're scared of asking and receiving. And then how to be adored and appreciated, so that dating feels fun and enjoyable instead of being draining and frustrating. Me on B, did you go to my last Well, please, woman workshop? Because it was amazing, it was great and I work with you hands on, and anytime you need coaching, let's just say you need to get over a mental block, for whatever reason, or if there's something you want me to help you work through on the call, I'm there to help you coach. The workshop is only 90 minutes, but the rest of the call I'm coaching. I'm helping you work through any of the blocks that you're having. I'm helping you craft messages. I'm helping you speak to people real time. I'm helping you get what you want.
Speaker 1:Early bird ends the end of this week. I'm so glad you did it. Yes, it's paying off. Yes, yes, yes, please come to the workshop, please come to the workshop. I would love to have you Type desire in the comment section of you would love to come to the workshop.
Speaker 1:All right, let me ask answering questions right now. Someone said how do you express these desires to men who want to surprise you on dates? Ooh, I love this question. It's such a great question.
Speaker 1:Always ask for what you want and the surprise is always the icing on the cake. So, for example, when I asked the guy, when I asked the man to come book the spa date with me, I asked him to book the winery, I asked him for the African dish meal. When I asked him that, he surprised me with roses. He surprised me by filling my gas tank up, and that's not like ever since he's been filling my gas tank up. He surprised me with that. He surprised me by making the food, having his friends make it from scratch. He surprised me with those things. He surprised me with brunch money to go out with my friends. That's what he surprised me with. I got what I want. Then he got to surprise me. On top of all of that, you don't have to accept one or the other Ask for what you want, so that you definitely get what you want and then allow this man to put his juice on it. I hope that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Oh, when I went on my birthday trip, I got my Universal Studios adventure experience. I got my express passes. I got my kayaking experience. I got my birthday dinner and then he took me go-kart riding. I didn't ask for that. I didn't ask for that at all. He took me go-kart riding. I didn't ask for that. I didn't ask for that at all. Right, he took me go-kart riding. Um, he took me swimming. I didn't ask for any of the extra stuff that he piled on top of that. I didn't ask for any of it. Okay, those are surprise things that he put on top of these, this stuff, um, so I hope that. I hope that answers your question.
Speaker 1:Someone says if a man once and you parted ways for a while and now resume dating, should we reshare our desires again? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you reshare? Just because, like, we're making parting ways mean something. I remember I had a client and she was like Tora, it's been some time since we talked and I just feel like it's been too much time and I was like you're making time mean something. Why are you making time mean something? Okay, it means nothing.
Speaker 1:It reminds me of my good friend. My good friend she is. She's like a free spirit, right, she'll talk to men and then she's like oh, I'm just going to go on with my life and do other things. And sometimes that ends up in her stop communicating with these men. And so every year around this time matter of fact, it's the week she usually does it, during Thanksgiving. She might not have talked to these men the whole year, but she'll send all these men a picture of her. And she's just like but she'll send all these men a picture of her and she's just like hey, happy Thanksgiving, gobble gobble. She'll send them a picture of her. They're like where have you been? What happened to you? And she is just like you can take me on a date If you want. You can do this. If you like, we can connect with you. Like she don't. She don't say well, I ain't talked to this man for six months, now it's over. She's like hey, she sends a picture, gobble gobble. Happy Thanksgiving, merry Christmas.
Speaker 1:She doesn't make it mean anything. So I want you to think about and I told, I told my client this the other day, I think it was a client I was like I want you to think about a child, a toddler, that falls. They don't really hurt themselves, but they fall right. If you make it a big deal and you say, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, you're okay, the kid is going to look up and start crying. You know that they're just going to start crying because you made it a big deal. But if you act like you didn't see their ass, they get up and they just keep living life because you didn't make it a big deal. We don't have to make these things big deals, just act like. Act like the time doesn't matter, like hey, we're back again. I'm still gonna ask my desires. Oh, you're a therapist, talk about me constantly. I get that a lot from from people, clients like oh, oh, my therapist recommended Torah and now we're always talking. I'm like I'm a great addition to your therapist. We work hand in hand.
Speaker 1:Someone says do you feel like you have to remain humble while getting your desires met? No, no, because here's what people mean when they say and I'm glad you put it in quotes, I'm really glad you put it in quotes humble in quotes. What people mean by humble is that you shouldn't have expectation of it. You should just be lowly and just grateful, without needing more or wanting more. And for me, I don't have an entitlement to a man and his money or his experience, or I don't have entitlement to that. I have expectations for it, though I'm not entitled to your money. So if we go on a date and you don't wanna pay for the date, I'm not entitled to your money. So if we go on a date and you don't want to pay for the date, I'm not entitled to your money. I don't say a real man would pay for the date. Why won't you pay for it? I'm just like oh okay, I'm going to pay for this date. I'm going to pay for my share of the date. It was really nice meeting you and we're not in alignment and I won't talk to him ever again.
Speaker 1:I'm not entitled to it, but I don't think I have to remain humble while getting my desires met. I feel like the experience I provide that is worth the desires being fulfilled. Why do I need to be humble about it? Yeah, I'm just. Why do I need to do that? Like I need to remain humble. Now, if you're talking about humble in the sense of not being entitled to a man's service, yeah, I don't feel entitled to a man's service. I expect service, but I'm not entitled to a particular man's service, but I do expect service. I hope I'm answering your question. If not, help me understand better. If I'm not answering it correctly, I want to be able to understand better. I'm not sure if I got the gist of what you were asking me.
Speaker 1:Okay, someone says how do we accept money without feeling some emotional obligation, because he may be more into you than you are into him? Well, there's two things here. There's two things here. Number one the reason why you have an emotional obligation is because you're having thoughts. You're having thoughts. You don't have emotions without a thought first. So you're thinking oh my gosh, this is expensive. Oh my gosh, like he's doing this for me, he's going to expect something from me. Oh my gosh, I might not be talking to him two weeks from now and he's giving me this Like. Those are the thoughts that are cycling in your brain and that's what's causing you emotional obligation. If you didn't have the thoughts, you wouldn't have emotional obligation you have. If you want different emotions, you have different thoughts you have. If you want different emotions, you have different thoughts.
Speaker 1:My thought would be oh, this man is a grown ass man who wants to send me money, and I respect his grownness, I respect him being an adult and making adult decisions for himself to give me money. Right, he's not a child. He has autonomy, right? Oh, I have been very clear and transparent about where I stand with him. I let him know that he's not my boyfriend. I let him know that I am unavailable to go exclusive with him until I recognize that he is the man for me. He wants to send me brunch money. He wants to take me and book me all these places. I have already been clear with him and I have let him know where I stand. He is an adult and I'm so glad I date adult men. I'm so happy I date male adults who are responsible for their own choices, and not me. I'm not a rescuer who puts on a cape and saves the day for a grown-ass man, because I only date grown-ass men. Those are my thoughts.
Speaker 1:So when you come and you do things for me, like I was telling one of the guys that I'm dating, I was like hey, just giving you a heads up, I'm actually going to be out of town. I'm actually going out of town with another guy that I'm dating. I'm just giving you a heads up that I'm going out of town. Thing is he had already proposed to me. He said hey, first of all he bought me a nice bouquet of flowers and then he said I want it's time for us to go on vacation again. You know, let's talk about the vacation. We're going to plan the vacation. I want it to be full transparency so he can, if he wanted to, snatch that vacation back for me. If he wanted to snatch that vacation back for me, I'm okay with that. So I'm, I'm being, I am being open and transparent. You can take the like. I like I'm saying, hey, I'm actually going, I'm going out of town to see this other guy and he was still open for the vacation. He was like, look, I don't like it, but again, we are not there yet. We're still gonna plan a vacation, is what he said. Okay, cool, but I gave him the opportunity to snatch it back from me if he didn't want to do it.
Speaker 1:And then also, please try to date men that you are crazy about, because even though I'm not exclusive with any of the guys that I'm dating, I'm crazy about all of them. I'm in love with all of them. I'm not dating men who can just give me things. I'm not that. Y'all know. Y'all be seeing women who be on here, but like he bought me this and he bought me that and he looked like spoiled milk. I'm not those kinds of women. I date men that I think are fine. I think men. I date men that I think are attractive. I date men that excite me. I do not date men that I'm not crazy about. I need to be able to look at them and be like, ooh, I'm not your girlfriend, but I can be your friend. For today, you know, like I only date those men.
Speaker 1:So be careful about dating men who you're not interested in, just so you can get things out of them. Just so you can get things out of them, just so you can ask things of them, because you know they're going to do it for you. Yeah, I can get a lot of those men. I don't want those men, those women, be posting in those hypergamous groups. Look, he bought me this and I'd be looking at him. I'm like I could never, ever. I can't do it, sorry, if I have to sacrifice a Rolls Royce or something like that. I just this doesn't do it for me. I'm only going to ask for men that I'm crazy about. That's it.
Speaker 1:Y'all know the kind of men I date. When I look at them, it makes me want to rub. I date men where I'm like I want to rub your feet. Those are the kind of men that I date that when I look at them, it makes me want to rub. I date men where I'm like look, I want to rub your feet. Those are the kind of men that I date that when I look at them, I want to rub their feet. I want to hold their hands and I want to rub their feet. Whether I do it or not, I just like, ooh, I rub his feet with all the baby oils. That's how I feel.
Speaker 1:Someone says where do you draw the line? Because this could be taken advantage of regardless of he's a grown adult. You can't take advantage of a man, a grown man, who's making grown man decisions. You can take advantage of someone who has neuro deficiencies. You can take advantage of somebody who's handicapped. You can take advantage of somebody who's missing a screw, but you can't take like we're trying to victimize grown ass people. And that's where I draw the line. I draw the line in victimizing grown adults who do not take responsibility for their lives, because I take full responsibility, like I've in my past.
Speaker 1:I used to be such a giver. I bought many cars in my past. I, like I've done some things. I have spent my savings getting men out of jail. I have done some things. Y'all. Look at the Torah now. Torah ain't used to be like that back in the day. Torah ain't used to be like that back in the day, right. But I take responsibility for all the things that I've chosen to do for that man, even though I wasn't a full adult and like when I was 19, I bought a man, a car, right, I wasn't even a full, my frontal lobe hadn't developed.
Speaker 1:But I'm not here to say I'm not responsible. He took advantage. No, I'm fully responsible for that. I am not gonna, I will. There's one thing I'm not responsible. He took advantage. No, I'm fully responsible for that. I am not going to. There's one thing I'm not going to do on here and I will never impetilize men on here. I will never impetilize men. Men will always be grown ass men here. They will always be responsible for their choices. I will never do that here.
Speaker 1:Okay, if I ask a man for something and he gives it to me, it's by his own volition. If I'm telling the truth and I'm honest and I'm transparent him giving it and the reason why a lot of us think it's taken advantage of, because a lot of us do things that we don't want to do. A lot of us do things for men that we actually don't want to do. We say yes when we know we need to be saying no. We say okay when we know we don't want to do. We say yes when we know we need to be saying no. We say okay when we know we don't want to be doing it, and so we project on the men and say, oh, we're taking advantage because I don't know how to stand up for myself, because I don't have boundaries, because I don't know how to say no, I don't know how to be clear and be responsible for my choices. So, therefore, I'm going to feel sorry for these men and I'm not. I'm not doing it here. I need everybody to know that I will continue to ask men for what I want and continue to expect it because I want it Again. I just recently asked for new pole boots from a guy who built me a pole studio in my house. I'm going to keep asking him for things as long as he available for it. He's grown.
Speaker 1:Some people might be like, oh, he's not, he's the one that's not 30 yet I don't care, his frontal lobe is grown enough, right, yeah, we say yes when we don't want to and that's why we project on men. Someone says what's the next step? When we becoming aware the person doesn't have the capacity to fulfill your desires? Oh, if I'm. When I become aware a person doesn't have capacity to fulfill my desires, I stopped, I end the connection, I end the relationship.
Speaker 1:One of the guys right now that I'm talking to. He's talking about marriage, he's talking about exclusivity and I'm asking a lot of questions. I'm like hey, I do pole, I'm a pole dancer. Any house that I live in, a pole would need to be in there. What are your thoughts about that? If this man is like a no to this, you know that's like. That will be like okay, we have to ask like I don't have to be in a relationship to love, I don't have to be in a marriage to love. So I'm asking a lot of questions to see if this person has capacity. Or then I'm just going to be like, hey, we're just not a good fit long-term, like we can kick, like it's not a good fit, that's okay and it also depends on what the desire is. So went on a date with a guy. He said he didn't, he didn't want to be married and he didn't want kids. And I was like, oh, we're not a good fit, like we can stay, we can stay talking, I would still date you but me and you can never have anything serious. But now he wants kids, now he wants marriage. If it's something like regular everyday expectations, like communication, expectations that he can't fulfill around my safety, that he can't fulfill, I'm ending the connection immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I'm ending it.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do you ask for your desires without sounding arrogant or coming off as entitled? Arrogance is subjective. Because we're nice girls, we're told to believe that being direct and assertive is arrogant, when the reality is just the clear way to ask for things. When you are a woman, people will shame you for being very clear about that. It doesn't mean you're arrogant. Arrogant means that you think that you're better than somebody. Arrogant means you look at somebody as your royal subject, as a peasant.
Speaker 1:I don't think of any of the men that I date like that. All the men that I date, I see them as royalty that are in service to me as a queen. I see them as amazing, powerful men that have resources, energetic resources, psychological resources, mental resources, financial resources. I don't think I'm better than them. I think we're on the same page, honey, because I got the resources too. I don't worry about coming off as entitled, because I'm never entitled to a man's money. I'm never entitled to a man's time. I'm never entitled to a man's energy If a man cannot fulfill it. I don't say entitlement means that there's something wrong if he doesn't do it. I don't think there's nothing wrong if he doesn't do it. He's just not the man for me. I'm not entitled to yours. Another man will do it for me and that's okay. We're just not a good fit.
Speaker 1:That's how you ask for your desires without sounding arrogant. You don't think that you're better than the guys. Like they are your royal subjects. They are royalty and you don't expect for one particular guy to fill your desires. I have an expectation that my desires are fulfilled. A guy to fill your desires. I have an expectation that my desires are fulfilled, but I do not have a specific expectation that this particular guy has to do it.
Speaker 1:Somebody said what are some internal beliefs in a work that we need to develop in order to feel comfortable enough to ask Come to the workshop. I'm actually going to be doing some of that in the workshop. Come to the workshop, the Well-Pleased Women Workshop. Hit desire in the comment section you will get a link. It's $197. We are in early bird to the end of the week and the first 25 ladies who do join the workshop will get a specialized bundle with examples of what it looks like, conversation starters on how to express your desires. Like you'll get that the first 25 people who join the workshop.
Speaker 1:But I will say on this call, we're going to work through it on the workshop, but during this call, some inner beliefs, inner work that you need to develop in order to feel comfortable enough to ask is that men who want you want to please you, men who want you want to please you, men who want you want to please you? Yes, the workshop can be given as a gift, but you need to purchase it with the other person's email address. The men who want you want to please you. That's what I think Like. If a man doesn't want to please me, I just assume he don't want me like that and that's okay, because the men who do want me have shown me how much they want to please me. I just assume he don't want me like that and that's okay, because the men who do want me have shown me how much they want to please me. All right, guys, that's it for today.
Speaker 1:I hope you enjoyed the workshop. If you enjoy I mean, I hope you enjoyed this live. If you enjoyed this live, put a one in the comments If you enjoyed this live. Um and uh, I hope to see you at the workshop January 18th 2025, from 10 am to 2 pm. And it's a live, interactive workshop. You will not be getting lectured to. We will be doing work together. Less work, I mean less lecture, more work together where I can coach you through all of this. You can leave the call with real wins.
Speaker 1:There's a difference between information and transformation. What I'm giving you right now is information. What you will leave from the workshop with is actual transformation. So type desire to get the link, whether you're watching this live or in the replay, and if you're, I'm going to put this on a podcast. If you're listening on the podcast, the link, you can purchase the link in the show notes. I'll give you that you know. All right, guys, I love you and I'll talk to you soon. Bye, all right. Love it, girl.
Speaker 1:That was the episode. I know it was helpful and I know that if you took the time to implement what I mentioned during this live, that you would see success. You would see improvement, you would see a change in the types of men that you date and how men show up for you. And if you do want my guidance on helping you get to that point, for whatever reason, maybe you want hands-on coaching, hands-on support, maybe you want to do the work with me, go ahead and come to the workshop. Girl Link is in the show notes. I talked about it a lot in the live and if this was helpful for you, for whatever reason, go ahead and leave a review. I read all the reviews and they help us go in the algorithm. That's one of the best love offerings you can provide, even if you've never decided to work with me and you listen to this podcast. That's how you show love, girl. So, all right, until next time. Bye.