Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How to Show Up On Dating Apps and Attract Amazing Men
This is the second episode of my Online Dating series, and today we’re tackling why mindset matters more than strategy.
If you think it’s all about swiping the right way or crafting the perfect profile, think again. Yes, you need a great online dating strategy, but how you show up mentally shapes your results more than any tactic ever will.
We’ll explore how your beliefs and energy impact the type of men you attract and why the right mindset can lead to better matches and real connections. If you’ve been frustrated with online dating, this episode will show you why it’s not about the apps—it’s about you.
Work with me to meet quality men online who serve and support you.
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What's up, lover girl? Welcome to the Date With Sense podcast. What's up, girl? All right, all right. I ain't even going to prolong the time because we got lots to talk about today and, yeah, we're diving into the second episode of my four-part series for online dating. How well, this episode is called how to Show Up on Dating Apps and Attract Amazing Men. Okay, this particular episode, but my series is all about helping you change the way you experience online dating, so that you are able to navigate dating apps without stress or overwhelm, so that you feel really good about swiping and so that you eventually attract and match with quality men online regularly who are serious about pursuing you. Now, if you missed the first episode in this series called it's called the real reasons why you're not attracting quality men online, make sure you go listen to that one first, because it lays the foundation for everything that we're covering in this series.
Speaker 1:So, but before we get into today's episode, I want to give a special shout out to Holly Woods here, who left a really dope review on the podcast. She says dating doesn't have to be draining. A while ago, I accepted the thought that dating is hard and draining and that's just part of the process. That was until I truly tapped into Tora and all that she offers. Process that was until I truly tapped into Tora and all that she offers. Tora provides the tools to make dating fun, exciting and, as she would say, delicious. The reality is that in so many ways, we don't always have the tools to navigate dating or attract the person we're looking for, and I'll be the first to admit that was me. But after following and listening to Tora, I've gained so much confidence in dating and learn how to show up for myself, making the process so more, so much more desirable. I love this podcast because it's raw, honest and full of tours, very human and relatable perspective. She affirms that it's possible for us to have the same success she talks about. Thank you, tara, for the incredible value you provide. I'm overjoyed by the opportunities I'm experiencing because of all I'm learning from you, girl. Thank you for posting this, you know. Number one because I love the fact that we're able to attract more people with these reviews. And number two, it goes so well with this series because you mentioned about accepting the thought that dating is hard and draining, and this episode is going to be focusing on thoughts and mindset and how that affects everything that you do and how you show up and what you attract. And you also mentioned in your review about, like, how you learn how to show up for yourself and make the process so much more desirable. And that really starts with your mindset, and that's why I'm excited about today's episode. But, girl, thank you for listening, sharing your thoughts. It means the world to me and, again, everybody. If you'd love to write a review, I'm here to receive them.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's get back to the episode. Okay, when it comes to online dating, how you show up on the apps will absolutely determine the kind of men that you attract. Now, I teach a lot about strategy when it comes to online dating. I teach about creating a profile that's one way to show up of how to present your photos, how to write in your bio, how to create conversations. I teach a lot of strategy and tactics, but this episode, when it comes to how you show up, is how you approach it mentally. Okay, and this isn't about changing yourself to fit what men want. No, I am teaching you how to change and flip your mindset so that you make this process feel easier and more enjoyable, so that you cut out time, wasting activities and frustration and, best of all, so that you can set yourself up to connect with men who are serious about building something meaningful with you. And what I'm about to share with you, this episode about mindset, is exactly. I'm telling you, if you really want to think about all that I've done and all that I've attracted and all of I've shared, and the men that I have posted and what they've done for me. It is the exact mindset that I am sharing with you today to meet amazing, high caliber, uh, high quality men. And you can use this mindset online and offline Okay, but we're specifically talking about online and uh, for example, you guys know Saudi.
Speaker 1:I released him from my rotation last month, but when we first met, it was on Bumble. It was on Bumble and I think, like two weeks before that, I had got unmatched like so many times and I wasn't. I think it was like two weeks of just a lot of unmatches and a lot of men that I was not in alignment with. And then up comes Saudi, and then we I mean it was such an amazing experience really dating him. We're just not aligned long term, but it was one of the best dating experiences that I've ever had Just meeting a guy randomly on Bumble and then having this months long love affair. So, yeah, if you guys know about you know how I've met Saudi. It is how I've is basically what I'm teaching you today. So, anyway, let me go ahead and dive into this week topic, because I got a lot to cover. All right, mindset matters. I'm going to say it again, girl, mindset matters.
Speaker 1:One of the biggest mistakes you can make with online dating is going onto the dating apps with the mindset that works against you and not for you. 95% of women who are struggling with online dating who come to me, they have a struggle mindset. 95%. Now the other 5%, they just prefer to meet men in person. I know a lot of people are like I, um, I hate dating apps. I like meeting men in person, but they're also not meeting men in person. So it's not uh, it's not like they would rather meet men in person. They just don't know how to meet men in general. The ones who actually prefer to meet men in person are the ones who are meeting men in person. I'm just going to put that out there.
Speaker 1:But anyway, I don't want to go off on a rabbit trail. So 95% of the women who are struggling with online dating, who come to me, have a struggle mindset, so their mindset is focused on what they don't have. What they're lacking, it's on scarcity. I'm running out of time, especially if you're over 35, or dating apps don't work because you've tried it in the past and it didn't give you the result that you want, or I'm doing this, but I really don't feel like it's a point in trying, or I don't feel like there's many quality men on the apps. Or some of you guys are thinking that dating apps are for desperate people.
Speaker 1:Okay, and these types of struggle thoughts shape the way you show up. Online dating is going to reflect all the thoughts that you're having. Your particular experience is going to reflect all of the thoughts that you have swimming in your head, but when you show up with a mindset that has been enhanced, you will attract the quality matches that you desire. Enhanced, you will attract the quality matches that you desire and in this episode, I have five mindset principles that you should integrate ASAP if you want to have the shift to where you are attracting quality men. It doesn't matter the strategy you have if you don't have the mindset principles that I'm teaching today. So the mindset number one this is what I freaking live by, because you know I talk about dating as a spiritual practice.
Speaker 1:Online dating is a mirror. It's not a magic wand, and this might be really hard to hear for a lot of you, especially if the men on dating apps have been pissing you off. Especially if you've been logging on and you feel like you've just been seeing trash. Especially if you've been logging on and you've been seeing men that you just think are ugly or broke or dusty, especially if you've been logging in and you haven't had any matches in weeks. This might piss you off. But here's the thing, girl If you have struggled to attract, connect with or build relationships with quality men offline right.
Speaker 1:This goes back to what I was saying about women who say they rather meet men in person. If you are saying you rather would meet men in person, that means you should be able to meet men in person. If you are saying you rather would meet men in person, that means you should be able to meet men in person. If you're struggling to meet men in person, it's going to show up in your online strategy the challenges that you have offline. They will not magically disappear when you go online.
Speaker 1:Okay, online dating will expose the skills that you do not have. It will expose the abilities that you do not have, right? So, for example, let's just say I'm like, okay, I don't want to date online anymore. I have the option to say I would. I would want to use this time to meet men in person because I actually have the ability and skills to do so. I can say I want to stay off the apps. You know, I want less screen time. I don't want to be on my phone like that. I really would like more energy in person. I can actually go and do that and meet people, meet men. The same way I'm able to meet them online.
Speaker 1:Online dating will show you yourself as a mirror. It will reflect your belief systems. It will reflect your habits. It will reflect your dating patterns back to you, which is why people delete the apps really quickly. They don't like what they're seeing in the mirror. But instead of realizing it's a reflection, they're like, oh, it's something wrong with the apps, it's something wrong with these men. Let me delete the apps.
Speaker 1:So, for example, I had a client come to me. We was working together and on our first call she was complaining about how the men she was matching with on a dating app wasn't putting much effort into the conversations that they were having, nor were they putting any effort into moving her to a date or setting up dates. And so I'm like, all right, girl, that's cool. I know that online dating is a mirror, and so I said, let me look at your profile, let me look at your, let me look at your profile. And when I looked at the profile, she wasn't putting much effort into her profile. Okay, I'm looking at you know sentences that are not cohesive. I'm looking to barely filled out prompts, right, just a bunch of pictures, prompts not fully completed there A short little bio, very generic, um, random photos that are thrown up there. And I'm like, why, why your profile look like this? Why you didn't have any? Why didn't you complete your bio? And she was like well, I just feel like you know, let me just try something and see what's out there. So that's pretty much why my profile looks like that. And I said that is why you are attracting energetically, you are pulling in men who do not put an effort into getting to know. You put in, they're not putting in the effort in dating you because you're you're not putting an effort into this experience yourself. You don't realize that they are reflecting how you show up. So if you put minimal effort, you are going to match with men who put little effort in getting to know you.
Speaker 1:I also had a client who came to work with me and she was complaining about the quality of men that she was matching with. So I told her okay, let's share your screen, let's do a swipe session together. We had a swipe session and I noticed that she was swiping left on men that I was looking at. I'm like hold on he. Fine, I love what he wrote in his profile. Why the hell is you swiping left on this man? I love what he wrote in his profile. Why the hell is you swiping left on this man? And she had to stop and pause and she's like well, the truth is, tor, I feel like I kind of feel like these men wouldn't swipe right back on me and I'm like, so Like. First of all, why do you think that? And second of all, so Because we're supposed to be on here to go after what we desire and not worry about what men are going to be doing in return. And that was a mirror to her because it exposed her limited beliefs, the way her swiping exposed her limited beliefs that certain men were out of her league, best believe she's out in believe. She was out in public doing the same thing. It was just easily uncovered when I was online with online dating, when I was able to watch her do online dating. But she was showing up the same way offline of the limited beliefs of the caliber of men that she wants the level of attractiveness they would not be interested in her, they would be out of her league. And so, again, online dating is a mirror.
Speaker 1:I had another client who was never going on dates because she was consistently getting sucked up in long ass conversations on the app. And if she got off the app with a man, she was having long ass text conversations that lasted for weeks. And I'm like why? Why are you not going on dates? Why are you still in this app, girl? And she was like well, I just I I feel like you know the man would ask me if he's ready. And I'm like are you ready to go? And she's like yes, I'm like, so why are you waiting for these men to tell you when it's time?
Speaker 1:Online dating is a mirror. It exposed the fact that she didn't have boundaries, and if you lack boundaries, you're going to spend weeks chatting with someone who never takes the initiative to meet in person. Instead of saying, hey, I'm actually unavailable to keep going back and forth with you or hey, I really enjoyed this conversation. I'd love to move off the app. I only stay connected with men who are available to date me, and either a master person who isn't ready for that, or be able to receive the person and move forward with a person who's like yeah, let's do it. I was hoping to see if you were safe enough to move forward. Do it. I was waiting. I was hoping to see you if you were safe enough to move forward. Best believe. Her lack of boundaries was also offline.
Speaker 1:Online dating is simply a mirror to what is happening to you offline. Okay, if you are experiencing something online, it is a pattern that you are engaging in offline, which is why you're not having success in either place. That's why I love online dating, because it exposes it really, really quickly, especially for me, these patterns that you are experiencing online. They don't just appear out of nowhere. They are reflections of how you've been showing up, period, and so, if you are currently struggling with online dating and the process, what I want you to do is reflect and ask yourself what patterns are showing up in my online dating experiences.
Speaker 1:What recurring themes are showing up in my online dating experiences? Is it lack of effort? All right, let me check on my effort. Is it men who are misaligned? Matches Like what am I? Where am I self-abandoning my own desires? Is it inconsistent communication? Have I been inconsistent, right? So, for example, like women will say, oh, these men are not responding to me, and if I go look at their messages, I can see your move, your move, your move, your move, your move. And I'm like you want the men you like to respond to you, but the men you don't like you leave them on. Read it's a reflection girl.
Speaker 1:And so, after you reflect, I want you to reframe. Instead of blaming the men or blaming the apps, I want you to think what does this pattern reveal about how I'm showing up and how can I shift to create a better experience? Okay, what can I do or think in order to clean this pattern up? And then I want you to act. I want you to commit to addressing one specific pattern at a time. So if, for example, low effort is a recurring issue, I want you to put your foot into your profile. I want you to put all the effort that you can like. If you was working on the resume for the best job in the world, I want you to put that amount of effort into it. Okay, if that's a recurring issue for you. Remember, the mirror of online dating is not here to discourage you. It's not here to do that, girl. It is here to guide you to where you actually need to be, you to where you actually need to be, and by identifying and shifting, or shifting the patterns that hold you back, you are taking a powerful step towards attracting the men that you truly desire. But you have to understand that all of this is a reflection. Once we clean up the pattern, the mirror will reflect something different back. Okay, all right, all right, girl.
Speaker 1:Next is mindset principle number two, and this principle is the right match starts with the right energy. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, the energy you bring to dating apps. It sets the tone for the kind of men you attract. I'm telling you, I can tell, I can always tell when a woman is swiping with the wrong energy. It shows up in how she talks about dating apps and how she talks about matches and how she feels about the process and the way she sets up her profile and, most importantly, I see it in her results. Right, I can tell the energy and because I know the wrong energy will attract the wrong kinds of men, I do not swipe on dating apps when I'm tired.
Speaker 1:I do not swipe on dating apps when I'm frustrated and annoyed. I do not swipe on dating apps when I have lots of negative emotions and I'm feeling some kind of way. I stay off because I understand I am going to reap the energy that I sow, I'm going to reap the results that I'm sowing into it. So I don't do it. Even if I got to stay off the apps for a week, I'm not going to do it. And so I'm going to share some of the most common types of wrong energy that I encounter, the first being swiping out of frustration.
Speaker 1:Wrong energy it sounds like, oh, there's nothing good out here, I'm not seeing anything good, you're basically tired of the process. So every profile starts to look like a waste of your time. Okay, and so this, this type of energy really leads to not just frustration but also missed opportunities to connect with men who would be available to you If you were not so tired of the process. The second wrong type of energy is swiping out of skepticism and that looks like he's probably not really serious. Or why is he even on this app? You know, maybe we see somebody really handsome, really attractive, very established, and then we assume that something must be wrong with him because why couldn't he get a woman out in the wild for some reason? Okay, or you assume that he's not serious, so you assume the worst about the men on the app, you approach the profiles with judgment and that is going to also block your connections.
Speaker 1:Another wrong energy move is swiping out of scarcity. This is the I'm running out of time crew. These and this is really specific to women, because we have a biological clock, we have a timeframe of when we can give birth biologically Right and we feel like, oh, I'm running out of time, I'm running out of time, I'm running out of time. Some of us have goals that, oh, by the time I'm 35, I need to be married, I need to be married. If I'm not married, I'm running out of time, I'm going to be a leftover. Like Kevin Samuel said, it's the wrong energy, even though, yes, we do have a biological clot. You swiping like you're running out of time ain't going to help you neither, and this fear-based energy will lead to overthinking. It will lead to settling for matches that don't align with your standards because you feel like your options are running out right. Very fear-based energy, and it rarely attracts the kind of men that you want. It rarely puts you in position to be seen by the men that you want.
Speaker 1:Okay, swiping out of obligation is the next wrong energy move. This is the thought of let me just do it and get it over with. Let me just do it because I know this is what I need to do, and it happens a lot with new clients that I have and they're like well, tora, tora told me to do it, so let me get it over with. And I'm like baby, I don't care what I told you to do. If you're doing it out of obligation, like, oh, I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to, it's the wrong energy, and you're not going to be able to attract the kinds of men that you want If you're treating dating apps like a chore. It means that you're not showing up with intention, which leads to inconsistent results and frustration. That's wrong energy swiping.
Speaker 1:And number five wrong energy swiping I want to talk about today is swiping out of addiction. It's like gambling. I'm swiping compulsively. I can't stop swiping because I have to keep going to win. I cannot stop swiping because I am going to hit the jackpot and I need to make this happen. So again, think about gambling on how you know, people are stuck in casinos even though they're losing money. They're losing sleep, right, they are losing their mental faculties because they've been up all night on playing the games and pulling the slots, but they can't stop themselves because they're like, oh, I got to keep going to win. They're stuck in a loop.
Speaker 1:And that's what it looks like to be swiping out of addiction. Like you're swiping endlessly in hopes of hitting the jackpot in the man that you think that you're getting. But this compulsive energy, it is draining and it shifts the focus from meaningful connections to a dopamine driven chase. You think that you're looking for a man, when really you're looking for a dopamine hit, and that's what's keeping you on the apps and keeping you from the results that you want. So, instead of those wrong energy places, here's the energy you should be swiping with.
Speaker 1:If you want to attract a quality man fast, number one, you need to be swiping with intention, good energy. You need to treat each swipe session that you have as an opportunity to build your skills, rather than just looking for a man. Okay, building your skills instead of looking for a man. Setting an intention before logging in shifts the focus to what you can control and helps you stay engaged with the process. So, for example, of skill building intentions, you might get on the apps and say you know, today I intend to stay fully present while I swipe today, and fully present is all about being able to swipe without being in the future of what could be. Oh, I swipe right on him. Oh, I hope I'm looking for a message from him. I hope I get a message from him. Oh, I think that we could have a life together, right, or what if he doesn't match with me back? Like thinking of all these future focused thoughts instead of I'm going to stay fully present while I swipe today, and in this present moment, I'm feeling really calm and grounded.
Speaker 1:Okay, let the session start. I'm swiping oh, this guy's cute, but he didn't complete his bio. I'm going to swipe left this guy. I'm not really attracted to him. This guy I'm not really attracted to him. I am curious about his bio and his prompts. But I know that if I match with him because I'm not really attracted to him, I'm probably not going to have a long standing conversation with him. I might leave him on read because I'm really not into him like that. So I'm just going into him like that. So I'm, he's attractive, okay. Looking at his photos Okay, I like. This photo here represents one of my core values. Oh, this prompt represent one of my core values. Oh, there's another photo that represents my core values. I think I'm going. No, I am going to swipe right on this man and I'm going to leave him a message. And I'm going to leave him a message Staying present during the process, staying fully present and not out of body.
Speaker 1:Looking at it like, oh, this isn't going to work. I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm not finding the man that I want. That's not present. Present is being there with what you're seeing and allowing that to just be that. Okay, that's a skill. Most people ain't got a staying present skill. Okay, they either think it in the past or think it in the future.
Speaker 1:Another skill building intention is you know, I intend to craft three thoughtful engaging messages today. Or send three thoughtful engaging messages today. So when you match with somebody and you're like, ok, this is what I want to send with him, send to him based upon what he said. Or this is what I want to send to him based upon my post check questions. Or this is what I would like to send to him based upon what I see on his profile, I am building my skills of thoughtful engaging messages so that I have really good conversations on the app. I'm not thinking about if this man going to be my man or if we're going to land a date. I'm just focusing on sending these messages. I'm building that skill.
Speaker 1:Or another example of building a skill is I intend to practice identifying qualities that I value in profiles. So, yeah, I'm just looking at each profile and identifying. Although I think this man is cute, I don't really see my core values here. Swipe left oh, I see five of my core values here, but I don't think he's attractive. I'm going to swipe left. But I love the fact that I was able to meet a man that has some like five of my values, let me go. Let me go see if there's a man that I am attracted to that will have these values.
Speaker 1:And so, skill building, setting an intention before logging in it's going to shift the focus to what you control and helps you engage with the process. And building these skills will give you a sense of accomplishment, which creates a natural dopamine hit, versus you chasing some hit of a man wanting you right. This positive energy will translate into your interactions, girl, I'm telling you, I'm trying to tell you girl, and it will make you more attractive to intentional, high quality men. It will make you energetically more attractive. It will put you more in position to meet these men because you're swiping with intention. And so that's the energy you need to be swiping with. The next energy you need to be swiping with is swiping with curiosity. You need to be swiping with curiosity.
Speaker 1:Shift from finding the perfect match to exploring the unique traits of each profile, looking at swiping as a chance to learn about different people and expanding your perspective. Now, that does not mean that you need to swipe right on somebody because you're curious about certain things in their profile, especially if you're not attracted to them. It's about exploring unique traits, saying, okay, I do think this guy is really interesting and I am a little bit attractive to him. Let me swipe right and see more Okay, and just exploring the traits and you're like, okay, I really enjoyed that conversation with him. We're not a match, but I would love to have that with somebody I am actually more attracted to.
Speaker 1:So instead of thinking, uh, does this man meet all of my criteria? Cause I'll have someone say, well, he needs to. Um, I need to see on his profile that this is his political affiliation. I need to see on his profile that he went, that he definitely went to like secondary education. Like, I need to see all of this in his profile. I need to know that he plays golf. I need to know this, I need to know that. And the problem with that and I tell all my clients my clients know that when they over filter their profile, it really cuts out a lot of their options and I'm able to show them like your options are still here, even if you do not filter them out on the dating app, even if you do not filter them out on the dating app. So instead of thinking, does he meet all my criteria. Think about what can I learn about him from his responses, what can I learn about him from my conversation? Okay, because curiosity transformed the process into something enjoyable, something engaging, and it keeps you focused on the moment instead of obsessing over the outcomes. Okay, and that makes your energy more irresistible, more attracting.
Speaker 1:Third, energy boost way to swipe is swiping with excitement, approaching every swipe session as an exciting opportunity to connect with someone new and interesting. Okay, I, whenever I go on the apps, I choose a thought that makes me excited. I know we're like thinking that we must feel excited before we go on the app and excitement is just a fleeting thought that we can't control. But we can always control how we feel by thinking a thought, and so I think about oh wow, tori, this is just another opportunity for you to meet another quality man. This is another opportunity for you to meet another quality man. This is another opportunity for you to meet another man that serves and supports. This is another opportunity for you to meet a man that enhances your standards. And that's what gets me excited, even if I don't match with somebody on the apps, even if I don't match with somebody on apps for a week or two weeks.
Speaker 1:I still tell myself that when I'm on the apps because, instead of allowing myself to feel drained like, oh Toya, you match with somebody this week. Oh, none of the men that you want in personal development, you ain't seen them on the apps I don't get drained by that. I continue to let the idea of possibility energize me, energize me. Okay, I don't think that I'm being drained. I think that I'm being energized by the whole process and when you are excited, you will naturally show up brighter, more magnetic, and that is going to be contagious and it will attract matches who are equally excited to connect with you. Good energy swiping.
Speaker 1:Number four is swiping with openness, being open to the process, knowing that not every session will lead to a match. I will have clients that come to me and they're like I'm just having a horrible time on the apps this week. I'm not matching with quality men. I'm having trouble believing that they exist and I'm like why is it a problem that you didn't meet men this week? You've been meeting men the other weeks. Why is it a problem this week?
Speaker 1:And they have to sit and think and they're like oh, because I'm not making progress. I'm like you think progress is always being on. You think progress is always being on. Sometimes you got to be off to make progress. Sometimes you got to not be doing things to make progress. Sometimes you need to sit with what is to make progress. Progress isn't always you engaging with men, okay. Progress is not always you going out on a date every week. So we have to let go of the rigid expectations and embrace the idea that every swipe is a chance to practice your skills. Maybe not connect with the man, but practice your skills and refine your approach and openness around. This helps you stay consistent without attaching frustration to the outcomes, and this will allow you to reduce your burnout that you're having and it will keep the process feeling light and enjoyable. Know that it is always okay if you're not matching with people, even if your biological clock is ticking, because if you have anxiety around your biological clock, that's not going to help you meet men faster and, in fact, it's going to impact your health, your reproductive health to even reproduce if that's what you want to do, because the more you have these negative emotions, the more they affect your emotional center, which is your uh is one of them being the reproductive system.
Speaker 1:And the fifth way that you swipe with good energy is swiping with trust, just trusting that your consistent, intentional effort will pay off over time. That's it Believing that the right matches out for you and focusing on the small wins, like your skills, like, I mentioned, your intentions. When I get on apps, even when I'm not meeting men that do not have the personal development that I'm looking for or the entrepreneurship background that I'm looking for or the level of attractiveness and being resourceful that I'm looking for, I still have trust that I'm going to meet somebody amazing. I still have trust that, even if I go weeks without meeting somebody amazing that I will, I still have trust that the right matches are out there for me and I always end up meeting them because I have so much trust that me being consistent, me consistently with good energy, me consistently with good thoughts, is going to lead to what I want and it always does Okay. That's why I never, I never, ever think that I won't have it.
Speaker 1:I was talking to think that I won't have it. I was talking to Big Body Benz last night on the phone and he goes. So you know we've been dating for a little bit more than four months. We're not official, I'm still waiting to be your boyfriend, but I know you said that. You know you're still vetting and still need to see certain things. He says so what if I'm not in alignment with you? What if the other guys are not in alignment with you that you're dating? And you spent all this time dating us and now you're like you don't want to date us anymore. You're running out of time. And I said I'm like thinking in my head, I'm like this, this, these men have no idea. And I was like I'm not running out of any time.
Speaker 1:I said I trust that I'm going to have exactly what I want. I trust that I'm going to show up and be consistent and have exactly what I want. So, even if me and you do not end up together, I know that I'm going to have the one I want. I know I'm going to have exactly the kind of relationship that I want. I'm trusting that, even if I make, if I cannot currently see it manifested in the 3D, I understand in the realm of the universe that I'm going to have it. And so he was like okay, and this morning he sends me a good morning message and he's like good morning beautiful. He says I hope you have an amazing day. And he says, by the way, I love your thought process, I love your confidence, I love how you just know that you're going to get what you want. It's really inspiring and I'm like, yeah, of course, I believe everybody should be able to trust that it's going to work out for them.
Speaker 1:But anywho, in order to shift this way, I want you to reflect and I want you to ask yourself what kind of energy am I bringing to the app? Curiosity and openness, or is there frustration and obligation? And then I want you to reframe. I want you to shift your mindset to I'm showing up with the same energy I want to receive. I'm showing up the same energy I want to get back. I'm showing up with the same energy that I want from the men that I meet on the apps. Because if you're not, if you showing up with with gambling energy, do you want to match with the, with the, with the man that's chasing dopamine? No, if you get on the apps anxious, do you want an anxious man to match with you? No, if you get on the apps right out of obligation, do you want to attract the man who feels obligated to talk to you. No, and I'm telling you that's how you get on the apps. That is what you are ready to pull in for yourself. And then I want you to act. I want you to set a specific time for swiping when you're feeling your best. Is that early morning, before work? Is that lunchtime? It is that after you've done yoga in the evening, before you open your app? I want you to take 30 seconds to reset your mindset with something quick and affirmative, to get you in the right energy and maybe that I'm excited for the possibility to connect with someone amazing today, even if I don't meet them today. I'm excited about the possibilities, and the way you show up like this is something you can control. When you bring this kind of energy, you will attract matches who are able to match it. Okay, all right. We're moving into mindset.
Speaker 1:Principle number three your profile is a personal invitation, not a resume, all right. So many of us are out here treating our dating profiles like a checklist of facts. I like to cook check. I love to travel check. I love learning new things check. I enjoy adventure check. I love music check.
Speaker 1:While these statements they might be true, they don't tell a story or create an emotional connection. Okay, your profile should be more than just a list of your qualities. It's an invitation to the life that you want to share, and so, by showcasing your personality, interest and values in a way that excites and resonates with the right man, you are inviting him to imagine himself in your world. And so this mindset shift. Instead of thinking I need to just list out all of these things so that men see the list that are like, yeah, check, she's a great wife, I need to think how can I invite men into my world, how can I pull men into my world? How can I be welcoming and be like hey, you made it to my profile, come on over. Or you landed on my profile. I welcome you with open arms to invite me on a date. That is how you should view writing your profile or posting your profile.
Speaker 1:And so, for example, resume style is I love adventure and trying new things. That's resume. Everybody has that. It's the checkbox. When you think like you're inviting a man, you say something like my happiest days are spent hiking a new trail, discovering a tucked away coffee shop, or planning my next solo trip to explore Italy. Open to trying something new with me on our first date. Do you feel the difference? Do you feel the warmth? Do you feel the shift in energy from? I love adventure and trying new things? Next resume style I enjoy reading and learning Check this is what it looks like to have invitation energy. I'm the woman who always has a new book on her nightstand and loves deep dives into documentaries about history or science. Swipe right if you can teach me something new or share your favorite book recommendation, I am inviting the person. It's invite invitation energy. Next resume style I love to cook. Check. Here's what it looks like to have invitation energy. My happy place is in the kitchen, perfecting my spicy pasta recipe or experimenting with dishes I've seen on cooking show. Want to be my next taste tester? These are all invitation energy responses, prompt answers and I hope you feel the difference between the two and the energy.
Speaker 1:Okay, because when you have invitation energy, it paints a picture of your life and personality and it makes it easier for someone to connect with you, a man, to see themselves in your world, and it opens the door up for engagement. It opens the door up for men to be like hold on, hold on, hold on who that is. Who is this? I like her. I don't even know her, but I want to be a part of the story. I don't even know her, but I would love to share my favorite book recommendation. I'd love to try something new with her on the first day. I'd love to be her taste tester.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, in order to shift into invitation energy, I want you to ask yourself does my profile tell a story about who I am, and am I speaking directly to the kind of men that I want to attract? Am I speaking directly to the kind of men that I want to track? And I want you to reframe. This is where you shift from. Here are the basics about me, here's the checklist to. Here's what makes being around me unique and exciting. Here's how you can be a part of it. That's the reframe, that's the energy you want to be in, and so I also want you to act. So I really want you to go to your profile whenever you can. I want you to take one specific detail, that is a check box that you've done, and I really want you to apply the invitation energy to it. Okay, all right, your profile is your first impression, girl, so you got to make it count when you think of your profile as a personal invitation and not as a resume. You will attract the men who resonate with your story and want to join the life that you're building. So, again, these small tweaks can create a huge difference in the kind of connections you make.
Speaker 1:Okay, mindset principle number four you, my love, are not searching for love, you are creating it. You need to shift Now. This is a big shift for a lot of people. Okay, because one of the big reasons that you're on the app is because you're trying to find love, and one of the biggest reasons why you're also struggling to attract amazing men on dating apps is because you're trying to find love. You're trying to find a loving relationship. You're trying to find a man who will love you unconditionally. But here's the truth unconditionally, but here's the truth. Love isn't something you find or stumble upon. The truth is, love is something that you create with every thought, with every belief, with every action, with every interaction.
Speaker 1:The more love you create on these dating apps, the more love you experience, and that is when the love you want actually appears in front of you the men that you want. That's going to love. You are going to appear, but a lot of us are not approaching the dating apps to create love. We're looking for love but we're not creating it. We're coming on a dating apps with anxiousness. I got to find a man, I got to do it, I got to make this happen. I'm running out of time and this is going to happen. That's not love. That's not love. You think you think that you're going to attract love, creating a bunch of discord, creating a bunch of a bunch of chaotic, negative emotions. No, that's not how you find, that's not how you get the love that you want.
Speaker 1:Another thing that we like to do is we like to be judgmental. We get on the app and we see a man on the app and he says that he is. You know, he has a wife and they're looking for a unicorn. And you're like oh, I can't believe he's on the app. Why even be on the app? I'm like, because that's what he wants, that's the love he's trying to create. And while you're judging him, you're wasting energy. Okay, you're wasting energy, or we, or we judge a man for swiping right on us and they look very not good to us. I'm just going to say that we think they're ugly. We're like how dare he? I'm, I'm. I'm way past his league. Why would he swipe right on me. It's judgment. That's not love. Love is recognizing that a man is not attractive and just saying no, like oh yeah, that's not a good fit, I'm not attracted there. Versus how dare he swipe right on me, I'm out of his league, he's. Why would he even think that I would want him? We don't have to judge, we can love.
Speaker 1:Also, some of us are approaching the app with frustration. We feel in I mean, well, we can talk about frustration next. Well, we let conversations linger without direction. Okay, we're like, okay, he's, we're letting him talk. I'm going to say something. He's going to say something. I'm going to say something. He's going to say something. I'm going to say something. He's going to say something, but why won't he ask for my number? But why won't he ask me on a date? There's no direction to it. So we're frustrating. That is not creating love. It is draining joy from the process.
Speaker 1:Creating love is expressing your desire and letting the man know what you are available for. Oh, I'm available. I would love to continue this conversation off the app, or I would love for you to invite me on a date. We're also dealing with entitlement, where we feel entitled to a man initiating every step, like, oh, he matched it. He needs to say something first to me. He needs to carry the conversation. He needs to be the one to move off. He needs to carry the conversation. He needs to be the one to move off the apps. That does not create love. That creates stagnation. It does not create love. It creates stagnation.
Speaker 1:Creating love is thinking okay, how can I lovingly start this conversation if I want to have it? Okay, how can I do that? Creating love is showing up with curiosity, acceptance, kindness and generosity at every stage. It's not about judgment. It's not about rigid expectations. It's all about asking yourself how can I show love in this moment? Showing love does not mean people pleasing. It does not mean being nice Okay, for the sake of being nice. It doesn't mean not hurting people's feelings. What is the? What is the? What is the action that I can take right now that leads to the best outcome or leads to the best intentions, that leads to care right, that leads to acceptance, that leads to gratitude. So, for example, if a match doesn't reach out immediately, instead of thinking, why hasn't he mentioned me first? He's not serious about this, you can just shift to how can I lovingly start the conversation, if that's what I want to do?
Speaker 1:If you're inside of a chat with somebody, instead of expecting a man to impress you or carry the conversation, you can focus on creating love by asking thoughtful questions yourself. Okay, inviting connection and not pressure. If a man is not a good fit, instead of judging him, you show him love by letting him know it's not a good fit, or unmatching him gracefully, instead of ghosting or just leaving him on read Like you, just part ways with kindness and gratitude for the interaction. And so, in order to shift into this, you can ask yourself and reflect am I showing up with love in my actions or am I leading with judgment, frustration or entitlement? Am I showing up with love? If you anxious on this app, you're not showing up with love. Okay, if you are entitled on this app, you're not showing up with love. If you are judgmental on the app, you're not showing up with love.
Speaker 1:And then I want you to reframe after you reflect. I want you to replace thoughts like this guy doesn't deserve to match with me with this. Guy has every right to go after what he wants. This guy can swipe right on whoever he wants. I have acceptance for that. I have love for this person that I don't know, because he's one of God's children too. And when we act, when swiping, I want you to practice non-judgment. I want you to focus on contributing and not just looking for men to show up a certain way, and when a match is not aligned, just let the conversation go with gratitude, okay. So I also want you to know that creating love doesn't mean lowering your standards. It doesn't mean that it just means sowing what you want to reap. You want love, you got to create it and you want to show up with love so that you set the stage for attracting the connections that reflect the love and energy that you're putting out with high quality men.
Speaker 1:Okay, now the last principle, the last mindset principle that we're going to talk about today, are bad matches and unmatches are data, not failures, and this principle is one of the hardest things for a lot of my clients to understand. Okay, they come to me and like Tori, you'll match me. And I'm like what's the problem? Well, he'll match me. And I'm like, yeah, what's the issue? Well, I was really interested in getting to know him. And I'm like, okay, this is fantasy. You fantasize about what could happen, but the truth is, well, I was really interested in getting to know him and I'm like, okay, this is fantasy. You fantasize about what could happen, but the truth is you're not aligned.
Speaker 1:And now we have data. Let's go look at the convert. Like, did you screenshot the conversations that you had? Well? No, well, go screen. You need to make sure that you screenshot so that we can audit and see and learn.
Speaker 1:Anyway, when a man unmatches you, it's not a problem. When you end up chatting with a man who isn't a good fit, it's not a problem. When you go on disappointing dates, it's not a problem. And so many of you view these experiences as problems, as failures, but they're actually feedback. These moments provide valuable data. They show you what works and what doesn't work Okay, so that you can tweak things. They highlight boundaries you may need to integrate.
Speaker 1:If you notice that you was unmatched with the man after talking to him for days and weeks, then and you realize you wasted some time, it's time to implement a boundary. That's valuable data that we have. That doesn't work for us. It helps us improve our vetting and discernment. We're like okay, now I know that when men say things like this to me, it's probably going to end up in a conversation that fizzles out. It helps us improve the vetting and discernment.
Speaker 1:For example, I know, I already know when women show me conversations and men are showing up a certain way that they're not putting in any effort. I always go to their profiles and I'm like so you swiped on a man that's not put, didn't put any effort in his profile, and then you're wondering why there's no effort in the conversation. It's clear, okay. So it's valuable data and it also brings clarity about what you're truly looking for. So if you are dating a guy and if you match with a guy and he's not he's not aligned, but you learn some characteristics about him that you didn't even know you wanted you can now apply that to men that are in alignment with you. Okay, and most of all, these experiences bring you closer to the right match. So, instead of seeing these moments as failures, as problems, as rejections, you got to use these opportunities to refine your approach and really gain a lot of clarity about what is.
Speaker 1:What do I actually want? What are my goals? What are my values? What do I want to experience? What are my desires? You find them out in the unmatches. You find them out in the bad matches.
Speaker 1:So, for example, one of my clients she came to me feeling discouraged because her conversations on the apps were very short and boring and it never led to anything ever. And so she thought that the men were not quality and or that they were not serious. But when I looked at her messages, I was like, girl, I'm seeing the issue here. You, the questions that you're asking are vetting questions, but they're not spark questions. They do not create chemistry and connection. And so we had to tweak her conversations to be more playful, to be more connecting, to have more chemistry, and then she started having the most enjoyable chats that led to dates okay and led her to building her first roster. So what she thought was feeling like was a failure. We was able to pull out. We was able to look and audit her messages and use that feedback to shift her results.
Speaker 1:So I want you to reflect, if you want to shift into this mindset, and ask yourself what can I learn from this experience? Right, I'm not getting what I want on the apps, I'm not getting the results. What can I learn? How can I adjust my approach? Moving forward, I feel like I'm running out of time. I feel like my biological clock is ticking. It's not. It's not helping me to be anxious. So how can I adjust my approach moving forward and how can I appreciate this as a part of my growth?
Speaker 1:A lot of us we're not getting what we want, we're not meeting the men that we want, but we don't have appreciation for the process. We don't have appreciation for the growth, and that's stopping us from meeting the amazing men that we want. And I also want you to, after you reflect, I want you to refrain and I want you to replace. This isn't working with. This is helping me get better. This is helping me refine my reproach. This is helping me get closer to the right man, the right match, the right connection, and I want you to act. I really want you to track your lessons. One thing that I love doing is I love keeping screenshots from the conversations that I have with men, because it really helps me understand what is working for me and what's not. Like you think that I'm just coming up with all this stuff out of my ass when I'm teaching. You know I have done a really good job at tracking my own lessons and keeping evidence and auditing it so that I can test it again and then teach you guys and I keep screenshots.
Speaker 1:You might even keep a journal of what you've learned from matches, keeping a journal of what you learned from interactions and then refine your approach. Use every unmatch, use every mismatch as an opportunity to adjust. You might need to adjust your profile, you might need to adjust your messaging, you might need to adjust your vetting process, but it's always an opportunity to refine. I have a client now. She would always get in conversations with men she wasn't attracted to because she just thought they were interesting. And I'm like we're not doing that. We need to refine your approach. Just because they're interesting doesn't mean you just swipe right on them Okay, and then celebrating your small wins. So if a conversation that didn't lead anywhere, it's not wasted because it's supposed to teach you something new. If you didn't learn from these conversations, what are you doing? It's supposed to help you better identify how to show up and how to identify your ideal matches.
Speaker 1:Every step in your dating journey is bringing you closer to the right connection. You got to trust the process, girl. You got to use these experiences as stepping stones towards the relationship you deserve. You got to use his experiences as stepping stones towards the relationship you deserve. What feels like failure now, rejection now, is often the path to something better. Which is why, when people unmatch me, like I might have some ego about it, like how the hell you unmatch me, how dare you Like I might have that ego moment, but then I get grounded again. I'm like, oh yeah, all this means is that I'm getting closer to actually what I want. That's all that means.
Speaker 1:So to recap the five mindset shifts that you need to start attracting quality men on the apps number one online dating is a mirror, not a magic wand. Number two the right match starts with the right energy. Number number three your profile is a personal invitation, not a resume. Number four you're not searching for love, you're creating it. And number five bad matches and unmatches are data, not failures and not a problem.
Speaker 1:So now these shifts may take time. They're like going to the gym girl. Don't think that, because you listen to this episode, that all of a sudden you're going to have some amazing mindset shifts overnight. Now you might have some quantum leaps, but doesn't mean that your old patterns aren't going to set in. It doesn't mean that your old mindset is not going to fight for its place in the sun. You got to keep going to the gym. You got to keep working the mindset muscle. You got to keep showing the mindset muscle. You got to keep showing up. These shifts may take time, but when you show up with consistency, when you show up committed to the process with the mindset and not like dropping it because you're not getting the results that you want, you're going to see a noticeable change in the quality of your matches and conversations.
Speaker 1:I dare you to try this for four weeks without getting caught up in the outcome, without getting caught up that you're not meeting the men that you want, without getting caught up in what the types of men that you think are in your location. I dare you to do it for four weeks. Stick with the mindset shifts for four weeks and see the change. And if this episode resonate nevermind this episode did resonate with you, it's not. If it did it did. I know you learned something by listening to this and because you learned something, I would love for you to you know. Share it with a friend or even tag me on social media in the, in my stories, and let me know what are your thoughts? What? What was your favorite mindset shift Like? Tag me on Instagram, let me know what are your thoughts. What was your favorite mindset shift Like? Tag me on Instagram, let me know what your favorite mindset shift is and if you're ready to take this to the next level and really work with me to implement these mindset shifts.
Speaker 1:To do practical work. I can be your personal trainer while you go to the gym. Go ahead and book a sales call to work with me. The link will be in the show notes, or you can go to my Instagram bio and click the link there and let's hop on a phone call not a phone call, a Zoom call so we can talk about what your current obstacles are, and at the very end of our call, I will give you a plan that's unique to you of what I can do to help you get the results that you want, a plan for you to reach your relationship goals. So, yeah, go ahead and book that call. Girl, don't waste. Don't waste too much time in 2025. Let's, let's go ahead and do this, but anywho, I will talk to you next time, girl.
Speaker 1:We have the upcoming episode. It's going to be all about me and my experience with online dating. Y'all think I've been like this my whole life. No, I used to struggle People, men, call me lame on the dating app, so I'm going to get into how I've become so good at online dating by being so bad at first. All right, so that's next week. All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye.