Date with Cents
Date with Cents
My Online Dating Journey: The Wins, the Fails, and What Finally Worked
Online dating wasn’t always smooth for me. In fact, I struggled a lot in the beginning…frustrating matches, boring conversations, and men who only wanted one thing.
If you’ve ever felt like dating apps just don’t work, I get it. But what if the problem isn’t the apps? What if it’s how you’re approaching them?
In this 3rd episode of my Online Dating series, I’m sharing my real online dating journey….how I started, the biggest mistakes I made, and the shifts that completely changed my experience.
This episode is for you if you’re tired of feeling like online dating is a waste of time and you’re ready to take back control of your experience. You’ll learn what’s actually keeping you stuck, how to approach dating apps with intention, and why small mindset shifts can make a huge difference. If you’re serious about attracting high-quality men online, this is the episode you need to hear.
Work with me to meet quality men online who serve and support you.
Book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me. Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. I'm saying this with a huge smile on my face because I'm just I'm so happy. I well, I just finished up a really amazing workout. I love pushing heavy weights. It just the endorphins, dopamine, it just makes me feel so good. I have had a very productive weekend, getting some things done that I have been avoiding for a very long time. I just invested in a new coaching program to help me improve systems in my business so that I can improve my client experience as well as make sure that I am not working too many hours in my business. So and the men are just still delicious, still amazing, feeling really good these days. So welcome back to my four part series. We're in series. We're in. This is episode three. Back to my four part series. We're in Siri. We're in. This is episode three.
Speaker 1:So far, we have done two episodes in this series to help you master online dating. The first episode that we did was the real reasons you're not meeting quality men online, and the second episode was how to show up on dating apps and attract amazing men, and that was like a mindset shifting episodes. So if you have not listened to those episodes. Yet go ahead and do it now. Get out of this one, go to the other ones. But today I am basically taking you backstage, pulling back the curtain of my own online dating journey. I'm going to be talking about dating journey. I'm going to be talking about the good. I'm going to be talking about the bad. I'm going to be talking about the ugly. I'm going to be talking about the lessons that changed the game for me, because, for some reason, you guys be thinking that online dating has just been super easy for me, as if I've always been great at it, and that I never have issues with online dating, that I don't get the same type of disappointing experiences that you have. It's so funny.
Speaker 1:I had a client come to one of the coaching calls and she was like well, tora, I was talking to this guy, I was really interested in him and he unmatched me or Tora. And then I didn't get a date this upcoming week and I just looked at her and I was like okay, what's the problem, what's the issue here? We just started working together. You just started building these skills. I'm confused. What is the issue? She's like I just feel like I'm not making progress. I said, progress is you building the skill, not you reaching a goal, and I literally just screenshot it Conversations that I had with men. There was one week where so many men unmatched me and I just started sharing with her the conversations. I shared my screen, I posted it on Canva and I just shared my screen and showed it to her and she was so shocked at the type, at the men that be coming in my inbox on that.
Speaker 1:I match with that the conversations that I have to end abruptly, the dry responses that I have to set a boundary for the unmatches, and I was like what did you think? Did you think it was just shits and giggles for me? No, I have a skill that I've developed and like she was even like she didn't even think that she could say some of the things that I was saying to these men. I'm like, yeah, you can say it all, you got to set your boundary, could say some of the things that I was saying to these men. I'm like, yeah, you can say it all, you got to set your boundary. And it really helped her feel better because she had this expectation that I didn't experience those things. No, I experienced the same things. I just don't handle them the way most people do. I just don't. I am not. I have developed the skillset that I don't have to um be subject to the quote unquote negative aspects of online dating. But anywho, yeah, I've been through it all Frustration, disappointment, unmatching, ghosting, matches that went nowhere. I know what it's like to delete the apps in frustration. I know what it's like to only match with men who just want sex. I know what it's like to go weeks on the apps with zero dates. And if that feels familiar to you, you're in the right place today, because I'm going to be talking about the biggest mistakes I made with online dating, what they cost me, the shifts that transform my entire experience online, and what I do differently now so that I am always attracting the kind of men that I actually want. So we're going to start a very, very long time ago. Just imagine, like some dream music. I'm sure I didn't make the right sound, but you get what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Girl, back in 2009, my first exposure to online dating wasn't even as a user. It was actually through work, because back in 2009, during the recession, I was actively networking, because I think I told you all the story about how I got three bachelor's degrees in accounting, marketing and finance and I just knew I was going to have a job. And then the economy blew up and all the internships that I had won they rescinded their offer because of the economy and I had to go work at Wendy's with three bachelor's degrees. And while I was working at Wendy's I was traveling like an hour to a different state. So I was in South Carolina working in Wendy's and I traveled an hour to North Carolina, charlotte, specifically in order to network and meet people and see if I could land a position or I could get hired in that crazy economy. So I was going into this young Black professionals meetups, regular professional meetups. I was just going to a bunch of meetups and networking and one day I just got the bright idea I was like, okay, if people aren't hiring, I'm just going to create my own job.
Speaker 1:And I remember being a when I, the last year of college that I was in, I was in a strategic business planning class certified strategic business planning class and I was chosen because of my grades and because of how I showed up in class. I was chosen to go to Vegas to present to win resorts a sustainability plan to compete. We were competing against other schools in the country to present a sustainability plan, a strategic business plan, to win resorts, and the best plan would win. I forgot what the award was, but we got third place. My team got third place from my school and because of that class, my teacher was like, okay, I'm gonna give you a certificate. You're now a certified strategic planner. So I would go to these business meetups and I would be like, hey, I'm a certified strategic planner. So I would go to these business meetups and I would be like, hey, I'm a certified strategic planner. And, um, I took everything I learned in class and I was like I'm just going to create my own job.
Speaker 1:So I met this woman at one of the events and she was a black woman who wanted to create her own dating app. Her vision was to launch a Christian dating platform called Sacred Singles Network and that was my first gig. She hired me as her strategic business planner and as part of my job, I basically planned and mapped out what things would look like in the building of the app and the company. I even analyzed her competition, which was like big platforms like matchcom, eharmony plenty of fish. And through all of that research I did on dating apps.
Speaker 1:I joined so many dating apps during that period to do the research that I needed in order to help her build out her app and I was so blown away at how powerful the technology was. I was like, wow, like look at all these people online looking for other people and I think I was what. How was I at the time, 2009,? I had to be like 21 or 22. And so I was looking at how it made meeting people easier and faster than ever before. But at the same time, I also saw, like a lot of flaws in the system and how the experience wasn't always designed to help people make real connections. And those are the things that I communicated back to her about her dating app and I'm not sure what happened to that dating app. I don't think it exists today. I don't know if you know cause. Apps are expensive and it can be very, very time consuming if you don't have the right development team, the right technical team, doing things in the background. So I haven't really heard much from her about that app after I stopped the project, about that app after I stopped the project.
Speaker 1:But at any who I wasn't ready to use the dating apps myself. Okay, so that would come years later, but that was my first introduction to dating apps, is actually working on a dating app, and the first platform I joined was Tinder, so it was a first. It was a years after working on that project. I finally decided to download my first dating app for me not for research, for me and I remember feeling immediately overwhelmed the second I opened the app and you know what's crazy about that, as I didn't feel overwhelmed when I joined all those other sites. You know why? Because joining the app itself wasn't overwhelmed. It was the thoughts that I was having about the app Previously. It was like, oh, I'm just doing this for work, oh, it's not a big deal, no pressure.
Speaker 1:This time I was actually doing it for me, and I'm like, oh my gosh, who do I choose? How do I pick the right person? How do I navigate this? How do I turn these into dates? I didn't know, and I was so scared to really put effort into creating a full blown profile because I didn't want people to recognize me on the app. I wanted plausible deniability in case someone saw me on there that I could just be like oh no, no, no, that's not me. You know somebody's using my pictures. I just posted my pictures and I didn't post any bio. I avoided writing a bio and I just posted pictures that I thought were good. And so if someone says, oh, I saw you on the apps, I'm like, no, that wasn't me. Someone took my pictures.
Speaker 1:So instead of really just putting myself out there, I just scrolled and swiped because I was just really curious about what was out there, but I wasn't really sure how I wanted to use the app. And so what happened next was I got so many different, so many matches so I mean not so many matches like so many people liking me, right and I got like this big dopamine rush from all the matches coming through. So I know, you know, like when you first join a dating app, your profile gets boosted, right, they just start putting it in everyone's faces, and so that's what happened to me. And so suddenly I was getting tons of likes, I was getting tons of matches, and at first it felt exciting because I was like all right people like me and that means that I'm going to end up meeting somebody soon.
Speaker 1:But it didn't take long before I started noticing the red flags and started feeling frustrated about the whole process. So the first thing I noticed was that the men that were hitting me up just wanted sex, and it was mainly because I didn't have a bio. Men were like, really swiping based upon my photos, and so those men who were swiping on my photos didn't really care to get to know me right, they didn't care about who I was, and so me not having a bio wasn't a big deal for them. They were like, oh, she's cute, let me swipe on her, let me talk to her, and the messages that I was getting was full of sexual comments, full of lazy openers, zero effort. I remember this one guy. He sent me a message and he was like I just want to eat you out so long and give you multiple orgasms and eat you from the back.
Speaker 1:I immediately logged out of Tinder. I was like, oh, I can't, I cannot do this, and it mainly from my good girl, my conditioning. I was like this is way too much for me to be on this app to have people asking to eat it from the back. I just I cannot do it. And then so on the app not only experiencing that, I also wasn't. I didn't have the skills to like, really filter out the kind of men that I didn't want to attract. So I was consistently getting those kinds of men that I did not want.
Speaker 1:And another red flag, another issue that I was struggling with, is that once I actually matched with somebody that I thought could be decent, no one wanted to talk to me. So when I got on Appadog, I tell my clients this it's so funny that men would call me lame on the dating apps is because when I would match with the men, I would just send a smiley face. Not only did I not have a bio, but I will only send men smiley face Cause I was like oh yeah, men should leave this shit. If he see the smiley face, he know I want to talk to him. And these men would clown the hell out of me. When I was sending that smiley face, like like one guy called me lame. Another guy was like so you think that's all you need to do in order to get attention, like it was all type of stuff. Because I was just like I'm just going to send a smiley face and let them bite because I don't need to say anything about to them.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, oh I would match with men that wouldn't have a conversation with me, men that wouldn't follow a conversation with me, men that wouldn't follow up in the conversations, and I was just basically sitting on a bunch of matches but not having any real interactions, and so I was like what's the point of having all these matches and I'm not doing anything with it, it's just a waste of my time. So I just got really bored really fast. I got really disengaged really fast, so the excitement of getting matches wore off once I realized that the conversations weren't going anywhere and I didn't have no strategy at the time. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was just mindlessly swiping and hoping something would stick. And the more that I did this, the more drained and frustrated I felt. And at the time I was like why do people use these apps? Why are people on dating apps? It is a waste of time. It's like a bunch of people just looking for sex. So I just was like low quality men on these apps and I was like maybe online dating isn't for me, especially since people asking to eat it from the back and stuff. When I get on here and I don't even know you, sir, you don't even know what I got. You don't even know.
Speaker 1:And it took a minute that me realizing that I was keeping myself stuck. I was making some major mistakes. Because, number one I'm a. I am a researcher at heart. I am a. I'm a problem solver. I'm not somebody who stays stuck in problems very, very long. You've heard in my other episodes of my life and how I've come up in my life and in poverty and having a child as a teenager and having to solve all these problems in my life. I've get my CPA license, like I have just never allowed a problem to get me down, and so I just started trying to be objective about things. But here let me, before I get to like what I changed, let me talk about the biggest mistakes that kept me stuck in the way that I was doing things on the apps. Number one I had the wrong mindset, and this mindset was me treating the dating apps like an app instead of an ecosystem of real people. Okay, that was one of the biggest mistakes I did. I treated them. I treated the dating apps like a game to be played, a place to swipe through options, a tool to just find what I wanted, and here's what I mean by this?
Speaker 1:I want you to think about how people drive when we're in cars versus how they act in public. Let's just say a coffee shop on the road. When we're driving and we're in our cars, we be cutting people off, we be honking loud, we be moving aggressively. Because we see cars, not people, we get angry, we start cussing cars out, we start getting mad at cars. But in a coffee shop, like in a public place, like a coffee shop, if someone accidentally bumps into us, we'd probably just you know smile, allow them to say excuse me. We might say excuse me if we were in that way, because that's a real person standing in front of us. Right, and more often than not, we're not going to cut somebody in line the way we do in traffic. Right, we're not going to cut somebody at the coffee shop. For the most part, most of us are not going to do this.
Speaker 1:Some of y'all might be like well, tora, I do it when I'm late to work. I'm'm talking about the rest of us rational people. Right, we're not doing that because we see people, we see humans and dating apps work the same way, because when we're online, when we're on the apps, we disconnect. In the same way that we do when we are in cars and traffic. We tend to forget that there's a real human behind the profile and that disconnect changes how we show up when we're on the apps.
Speaker 1:When we're on the apps, well, when I was on the apps, I was seeing profiles, not real humans. A lot of us do that. We think about what we can get right. I want a date, I want a good conversation, I want a man, I want my husband. We think about what we can get instead of how we can actually add value. And then we treat dating apps like a transaction. Right, you give me this, I'm getting on here, I'm paying for three months so I can get me a man instead of an ecosystem that we're actually a part of. And so for me, when I was on the apps, what that looked like is, without me even realizing it, because I was treating the apps like an app and not like an ecosystem. I was dehumanizing men in very small ways and treating dating apps like a game instead of a space for like a real connection. So I was swiping right, I was swiping without consideration was number one. I was swiped right on man I was curious about. I may not been very attracted, but I was curious. I was like, oh, that's interesting. But the second I realized, okay, I'm not actually attracted to this guy and we had been talking.
Speaker 1:I would ignore their messages or leave them on read talking, I would ignore their messages or leave them on read, right? So you know, if you log in, I sometimes I log in the client's uh dating app accounts and I see your move, your move, your move, your turn, your turn. I've been like why do you leave all these people on read? That's what I will used to do. I used to ignore their messages and leave them on read, and in real life that I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't start a conversation with someone and just walk away and leave them hanging. That's what's happening in the dating apps. I would at least acknowledge. I would at least say it wasn't a good fit.
Speaker 1:So why was I wasn't doing the same on the dating apps? I wasn't doing it. I wasn't treating it like an ecosystem that I was a part of. Again, it was like a. It was gamified. Um, I was using dating apps as a distraction, so I would get on the app when I was bored and or lonely, mindless list, like mindlessly swiping instead of actually engaging with people in a meaningful way.
Speaker 1:Again, I'm an E, I'm in an ecosystem, but I'm treating it like a game. I'm treating it like an app instead of understanding that these are real people. So I would just get on there when I was just distracted. And then I was focused on winning on the apps instead of connecting, focused on winning on the apps instead of connecting. So I would feel really excited when I got a lot of matches, as if I was winning the game quote, unquote instead of asking myself are these actually the right men for me? Are these actually men that are aligned with me and my values? Are these men actually interested in me?
Speaker 1:And then, also, that led to me feeling disappointed when someone unmatched me. Right, this is what happens when we gamify it, and I'm feeling disappointed when someone unmatched me instead of just seeing it as a natural part of filtering out the wrong people. When we understand that online dating, when these dating apps, are an ecosystem, we don't gamify it, we actually understand that there are lots of people on here and a lot of these people will not be for me. A lot of these people are not in alignment with me, and that is okay. That means that I will be unmatched. That means that I will be unmatching people. That means that just because I got 30,000 matches, does it mean that I am getting the results that I want.
Speaker 1:And then, in an alignment with me, treating the apps like an app, I was approaching the app like a consumer instead of a contributor. So I expected the app, I expected the men, I expected the experience to do all the work for me, without realizing I was part of this ecosystem too. Why am I getting on the app, expecting for the app to just give me what I want to? Why I'm getting on the apps and I'm expecting for them to give me the quality men to match with the quality men, for that quality man to do the work to get me on a date and I can land a quality relationship. And if that wasn't happening, then something must be wrong with the app, something must be wrong with the men.
Speaker 1:Instead of just thinking, okay, this is the ecosystem that I'm a part of online, these people also exist offline. I'm thinking at that time. I'm thinking where are the quality men? Who's going to impress me? Why aren't these conversations better? Why isn't this easier? Those were the thoughts that I was having when I was on the app, when I was treating it like an app, but what I learned from I'm like you know, I'm treating people like objects here, and I started treating them like participants in the ecosystem that we were in human beings, people that exist offline as well and I asked myself, instead of asking where are the quality men, who's going to impress me? Why aren't these conversations better? Why isn't this easier?
Speaker 1:I asked myself instead, how can I contribute to this space that's a part of the ecosystem, instead of just what can I get from it? And I became very intentional about making online dating a better space, just like I would contribute positively in the real world. I started asking myself am I making this interaction better or am I just trying to take from it so again? So, instead of saying, oh my gosh, these conversations are so dry, I'm looking how do I make conversations better, enjoyable? Instead of thinking, oh, these men aren't serious, I think, okay, how can I bring seriousness to this app? How can you know me? Instead of complaining about the men not having effort, how can I contribute effort? How can I contribute energy? How can I contribute happiness? How can I contribute curiosity? And I was able to reap all of that. So mistake number one was wrong mindset. Mistake number two was wrong expectations.
Speaker 1:I got on the app expecting for it to be easy and to get it right very fast, and I was just going to be able to make a profile. I'm thinking, okay, I'm a decent looking girl. All I got to do is post my photos, start swiping and then I would just meet men. And so what I did was, like I said, I randomly threw up photos. I didn't even think about the story I wanted to tell. I was just like, oh, this was a cute photo I took. Oh, this was a cute photo I took. Oh, this was a cute photo I took and just posted it, instead of curating a profile that actually reflected the story that I wanted to tell with my personality and my lifestyle.
Speaker 1:Like I mentioned before, I started conversations with men by sending them smiley face emojis, just expecting men to carry the weight of the conversation, and then I also put all the responsibility on men to make my dating experience enjoyable, instead of realizing that I needed to set the tone. So I was thinking, oh, all of these men just want sex. Oh, these men have dry conversations. Versus, how do I set the tone? Oh, these men are keeping me in the app forever. How do I set the tone? How do I make sure that I am responsible for my own experiences, responsible for my own interactions? Whatever my experience is on here, I want to be completely responsible for it. And what I learned from my wrong expectations to move into the right expectations, as I learned that online dating is a skill that requires effort. You're going to keep hearing me talk about.
Speaker 1:Online dating is a skill over and over and over again, just like anything else. If you don't know how to do it, if you're not getting the results that you want, it's not that it's defective, it's that you have not. You have not improved the skill. It's like people who try baking for the first time and their cookies don't come out the way they want. The cake doesn't come out they want, even though they use the ingredients that the recipe called for, even though they followed the instructions, it still didn't come out right. Because baking actually is a skill set and you think that you're just going to come and just automatically make the best cake in the world. It's your first time baking. Think, not Like. It is a skill that changes based upon environment, types of stoves, the weather, like all types of things, can affect how your baking can go Hell, air pressure, everything.
Speaker 1:And I also doubled down and realized that my experience was my responsibility. If I wanted to have engaging conversations, I would need to lead with something engaging. And another lesson that I learned is that if I'm not getting the energy that I want, I need to take a look at what I'm putting out. Okay, that low effort emoji was getting low effort men and responses. So the second mistake I made was wrong expectations. So mistake number one was wrong mindset. Mistake number two is wrong expectations. And the mistake is number three is no strategy.
Speaker 1:I was on dating apps, but I wasn't intentional about how I was using them and that looks like you know. I would open up the app and I would swipe while thinking where are the quality men? That's what I would be doing Like, oh man. Like, where are the attractive men? Where are the men with good careers? Where are the resourceful men without a bunch of kids? Like, where are those men? Instead of asking myself what am I actually doing? What is my strategy to attract quality men? What is my strategy to attract the men with my values. What is my strategy to attract men who are educated? What is my strategy to attract these kinds of men? I wasn't thinking that strategy to attract these kinds of men. I wasn't thinking that.
Speaker 1:Or I would start conversations and quickly get bored. I will start the conversations and quickly get bored, thinking, oh, these men are low effort, these men are dry. That's what I would do. I didn't have no strategy. Are dry, that's what I would do. I didn't have no strategy. When I'm developing a strategy requires me to ask what can I do to make these conversations more enjoyable? What can I do so that every time I get on the app, I am able to have an enjoyable conversation? What can I do to make sure I never end up in another dry ass conversation again? That's strategy. And I had no process from moving from matching with a man to moving to a conversation, an enjoyable conversation that moved to a date. So I would just waste so much time after message uh, like matching, texting, messaging we would get off the app. Um, we'd be texting in the phone for weeks. It didn't go anywhere because I didn't have a strategy.
Speaker 1:That was mistake number three, and I'm realizing through all of this the lessons that I've learned from that mistake is that you're going to get whatever out of dating apps. What you put in, if you put it in the lease, you're going to get the lease. If you are not intentional, men are not going to be intentional. If you are showing up, obligated to be on the apps and having frustrations, you are going to get men that match, that kind of energy Okay. And so if you want better matches, you're going to have to improve how you're showing up. And if you're bored with matches, you're going to have to improve how you're showing up. And if you're bored with conversations, you're going to have to change how you're engaging with them. So now that I've talked about my mistakes my three mistakes wrong mindset, wrong expectations, no strategy let's talk about what really worked. Let's talk about the shifts that changed my entire experience with online dating.
Speaker 1:So one of the biggest game changing things for me was treating online dating like an experiment. That's what I shifted to. I shifted my approach from hoping things work to figuring out what works. Most of the times when I hear women complain about online dating, they get on the apps hoping it works. They don't have. They're not trying to figure out what works. They think it should just work, and instead of treating online dating like something that should just happen for me, I started approaching it like a scientist, using the scientific method. Like I told you, I'm a problem solver.
Speaker 1:One of the quotes from Marie Forleo that I absolutely love one of my first business mentors ever she's the one that ushered me into believing that online business was a possibility for me when I was in corporate. But she says everything is figureoutable. When she said that quote, when I heard that quote when I was watching her YouTube video, I was like, yes, everything is figureoutable, and I just didn't apply that to when I was learning about online business at the time. I even looked at that with online dating, everything is figureoutable, and so I approached it like a scientist, using a scientific method, because I wanted to figure it out. So that meant me observing, testing, adjusting and improving based upon real feedback and not just my emotions in the moment. So I might experience emotions of disappointment and frustration in the moment, but I took a step back experience emotions of disappointment and frustration in the moment, but I took a step back. I took a step back. I was like, okay, I'm going to stop taking everything personally, because when we're trying to figure out problems, you have to stop personalizing it. That's how you solve problems. So I stopped taking everything personally and I started gathering data.
Speaker 1:So, instead of thinking, oh, these mental apps are trash, which how? I thought I stopped personalizing it and I asked myself, okay, what patterns am I noticing for myself? What patterns am I noticing with the conversations that I'm having? What patterns am I noticing the men that I'm thinking are trash? What are patterns with their profiles? What are patterns in their conversations? What are patterns in the how I even met them in the first place? What are patterns? The men that I met, what was going on with my own profile and if I wasn't getting matches that I liked, instead of assuming that, oh um, these men are not checking for me, I'm not attractive enough or the type of men that I want, don't want me, I ask okay, what happens if I update my bio? What happens if I update my pictures? What happens if I change this out or I change that? If I say this and I say that I was just testing things, adjusting and observing, and if my conversations kept dying or going in a way? I didn't want it to go, I didn't assume men don't want real connection, or men are not great conversationalists, or the men on this app aren't serious.
Speaker 1:I just tested new ways of starting conversations. I tested so many different ways of ways of opening up a conversation, of carrying a conversation, the types of questions that I would ask Some of the guys. I remember I was experimenting with what I call. What do I call these questions? Oh, it's in my book. It's in my book. It's in my book. Don't tell me I forgot what I call my own questions. I forgot. But anywho, these questions are questions that you ask in order. They're fun, but they also reveal a lot. They're not post-check questions. That's something new that I garnered, but they were. They were dilemma, something like dilemma questions that I asked. But one of the questions that I asked I started out.
Speaker 1:I would ask um, you know, if you could commit any crime and get away with it, what would it be? So I would experiment with that question to see who would engage me. And one guy accused me of being the feds. I guess he spent some time in prison or something like that and I didn't know it. But he was like who the fuck are you? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why are you trying to know if I'm committing crimes? I was like yo, but you know I didn't personalize it. I was just testing new ways of starting conversations.
Speaker 1:I created a hypothesis and I tested it. So like, basically I just treated the profile like an experiment. So I created a hypothesis, I tested it. So, for example, I would say something like if I change my first photo from a full body pic to an up close selfie with a smile, will it get better matches? Or if I change the my opening question to this would I have better conversations? I would just test different things. I would change certain things out. I noticed that.
Speaker 1:I remember when Tinder had this um, I learned that when you updated your photo on Tinder, it would. It would alert people. It was like a Facebook feed. It would alert all your old matches of your conversation died out. And so if you, if you had a little bit of glow up those old conversations, those men would just be coming back and I would just do that, like every month. I would just update my profile and they'd be like hey, stranger, they'd be coming back talking to me and so conversations. I might've fumbled in the past. They were re-engaged because I was experimenting by posting my photos and just allowing old conversations to resurface.
Speaker 1:So I tested different bios, different message openers, different strategies for moving from match to a date. I basically again created a hypothesis and I just tested my hypothesis and I just changed different variables. If you know what the scientific method is, you keep everything the same and you just change one variable to see what happens, and I would just test different things. And then from all that, I also collected data and I made adjustments instead of complaining. So when I try something new, I didn't expect instant success like, oh, because I tried something new, it should work. No, I'm trying to. I'm trying something new to see if it could work, and if it doesn't work, I'm willing to change and do something different. I paid attention to what changed instead of thinking that, oh, this is the one, this is going to work, and if something worked, I kept doing it just to confirm that it works. And if something didn't work, I just adjusted and I tried again.
Speaker 1:I would use the same questions over and over again. I would write my bio in a certain way over and over again. I'm like, oh, if I use an opening line, like one of the things that I would teach, especially like when I was in clubhouse, is have like a highlight opener on your bio, when, if you don't have a profile like a hinge when you had to like the open bios, it's like if you go to the grocery store and you see magazines and you're drawn to look at the magazine based upon the headlines, and so I would I would say, okay, let me create a headline for my own bio, like I'm in a magazine, so that when people see this headline, when men see these headlines, they'll be drawn towards my profile. So what's like a really nice headline that I could post that men would be really excited to want to connect with me, so I would just test it. I'm like, okay, that headline really excited to want to connect with me, so I would just test it. I'm like, okay, that headline really worked.
Speaker 1:Lots of men asked me about that headline and if some didn't work, I just adjusted and tried again, you know, and I was able to take the emotion out of everything and focused on what was effective. That's important when you are experimenting. So instead of like allowing rejections to hurt me, allowing unmatches to hurt me, I saw it as useful data. I'm like, okay, if I employ like a new strategy that got me better matches. I'm like, oh, this is data and I would just look at all the new data that I was getting on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis and just auditing my profile, auditing my conversations.
Speaker 1:When my clients come and they tell me that they didn't have a great experience talking to someone on the app or having a conversation, I'm like okay, send me the screenshots. And I'm like I deleted it. I'm like, why would you do that? That is when you're in emotion, right? Instead of taking a conversation and auditing the conversation and looking at the conversation and seeing where the pieces and they fall apart. And so I tell my clients don't delete anything, screenshot everything, because I'm going to ask for it and I'm going to review it, I'm going to audit it for you. I'm going to show you the disconnect. I'm going to show you where things fall apart. I'm going to show you where you, where you stop taking responsibility for the conversation, where you stop being intentional. I'm going to show you because the stories that clients come and tell me and they say, well, tora, he was doing this and he wasn't aligned with my values, and I look at the conversation, I'm like ma'am, the conversation is the truth. The screenshots will tell the truth every single time, and so, taking my emotions out of it and only focusing on the data, that helped me stay objective, it helped me stay in control and it helped me improve really fast.
Speaker 1:On the dating apps, and I learned I'm like okay, dating apps aren't rigged. Well, I mean, they kind of sort of are, because they're designed for you. I mean, I can get into this, but they are designed for you to keep staying on them and not for you to really just find everybody you're looking for. That's why I teach the techniques, so that, even though these apps are cash grabs, you can leverage the technology to have the experience you want, despite the fact that they're cash grabs. Same thing with social media Facebook, instagram all these places are cash grabs, but we leverage them in order to have the experience that we want. So they aren't quote unquote rigged in the fact that you can't have the experience that you want. They just require strategy and you get better results.
Speaker 1:When you approach online dating like a skill, like an experiment, and the less emotionally attached you are to the outcome, the faster you're going to learn what actually works for you the outcome, the faster you're going to learn what actually works for you. So we got to stop treating online dating like a lottery and start treating it like an experiment, because when we shift from hoping something works to figuring out what works, we will start attracting the men that we want and go on the dates that we desire. So that was the first shift. I treated online dating like an experiment. The second shift that I had is I shifted from consumer to contributor, where I was actually investing in the dating app ecosystem. I stopped the consumer mindset. I was just going on the app to take from it. What can I get? Where are the men? Who's going to take me on dates? What kind of conversations are you going to create with me? And I stepped into a contributor mindset, where I actively invested in the dating app community.
Speaker 1:So remember, I was treating the dating app like a vending machine. I log in, I swipe, I expect the right men to just show up and make my experience enjoyable. But once I realized that online dating is actually an ecosystem of people and not a shopping cart, everything changed. So, for example, instead of judging men or the app, I just focused on showing up as my best self. Okay, um, like in the past, I would just be like, oh Okay, this man, how dare he try to swipe on me? I'm out of his league. That's not. That's objectifying men. Okay, that's objectifying them.
Speaker 1:I stopped asking where the quality men and I started asking how am I showing up? How am I showing up? Am I making this space better, or am I just expecting it to serve me? And, looking at my profile, what I want to match with me? Like when I didn't have the bio and I just had the photos and I'm like, no, I don't want to match with the man who doesn't, who isn't thoughtful I wasn't being thoughtful with my presentation. I also started engaging with the app, similar to how I would in real life. So, instead of just mindlessly swiping like, no, no, yes, no, no, yes, yes, yes, no, no, no, no, I really slowed down. I really slowed down and I just engaged with the profiles Like I was meeting real people.
Speaker 1:Now, that doesn't that doesn't mean like I took up a bunch of time looking at profiles, but I was no longer mindlessly engaging. I was actually in the present moment. I read bios and I stopped treating men like they were just options on a menu. When I saw a man that I wasn't attracted to or interested in that liked me, I didn't judge him for doing that. I thought, wow, like I love the fact that he's on this app going for after what he wants.
Speaker 1:When there were couples on there looking for unicorns to date, I wasn't thinking, oh my gosh, why are these people on here? You know they're looking for someone to add to like I'm not looking for that, yeah, I'm not. But I'm glad that they're on here looking for what they want, going after what they desire. You know I'm respecting them for being human beings instead of just acting like I'm in a car cutting people off in traffic. And because I was in this ecosystem, I shifted from a what can I get mentality to what can I add, and I stopped waiting for men to make online dating fun for me and I took responsibility for how I was showing up.
Speaker 1:I made sure my profile, my energy, my interactions were adding to the space, not just taking away from it. And so, adding to the space, I was adding my own intentions, like how do I want to contribute to this app today? I want to have really good conversations on this app today. I want to make a guy smile today. I want to make a guy smile today. I want to make a guy feel special today. I want to make a guy feel seen today. That's what I want to contribute to this space today, and so that's what I was contributing.
Speaker 1:I want to let a man know why this doesn't work for me. I'm not just going to leave him on read. I'm just going to let him know it's not a fit. I'm contributing to this space. This man knows exactly why this is a work for me. I'm not just going to leave him on read. I'm just going to let him know it's not a fit. I'm contributing to this space. This man knows exactly why this is a problem for me. That's what I'm going to add to this space, and I created an intentional presence on the app.
Speaker 1:I intentionally crafted a profile for my experiment that reflected the story I wanted to tell men, the experience I wanted to give them. That reflected my personality, my values and my lifestyle. Instead of just listing expectations, instead of just listing what I like to do right, and instead of thinking let's see what these men have to offer, I was thinking let me make sure my profile attracts men I actually want to engage with. That was my focus. So that was the second shift was I shifted from a consumer to a contributor in the dating app ecosystem. Stop thinking what's in it for me and start thinking how can I add value to this space?
Speaker 1:It's very similar to entrepreneurship. If you're an entrepreneur listening to this video, even if you are in a career where you're client facing, you know, in order to secure clients, you cannot go out and market and go to networking events showing up like what can y'all do for me? What can y'all do for me? I need a client, I need more money, I need a business. You cannot do that and expect a growing clientele, to expect a thriving business. You have to go into it and say how can I add value to this space? How can I go on Instagram and add value? How can I go to this networking event and add value? How could I want to? I want someone to be my mentor, because people will DM me and say, tora, you know I want you to be my mentor and they're not looking to add value. And anybody that you've ever seen work under me as an intern or a mentor, they have always added value.
Speaker 1:First and most recently, I decided to take on a new mentor because she was a client of mine. She got married and now she's also a coach helping Christian singles. She's helping Christian singles heal so that they can be ready to date and be in a relationship. And I noticed that she tagged me on threads and she was like saying like hey, I got help, I hired Taurus Sense and this is how I was able to do this and she got married. Help, I hired Taurus Sense and this is how I was able to do this and she got married.
Speaker 1:And I was like wow, most of the times when I have clients that become coaches, they act like they never learned from me. They act like they never heard of me. They just become coaches and they teach in dating, but they act like they have never, ever, ever learned from me. And I was like wow, like that was, that was big, and I'm like I sent her a DM. I know I'm going off track, but I just want to tell a story. I sent her a DM and I was like look, whatever you need from me, I'm here to give it to you, because I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't typically have clients that go off to become that, become dating coaches. Give credit like that. And so I'm like whatever you need. And she was like, yes, I would, I would love this, I would love that. And I'm like cool, I'm your mentor, I will help you build your business. I will help you secure clientele. I will help you do whatever you need. I will promote you on my platform. I will do whatever. Help you do whatever you need. I will promote you on my platform. I will do whatever Um. But that's because she showed up and she's like this is like this is how I'm adding value to the space. I'm adding value by even giving credit um, for for some people call it my lineage right, um, versus what can I get out of the situation? What can I get from Torah and then go teach it? Right? What can I get from Torah and go teach it? So that was a second shift that I made. The third shift that I made was I stopped letting men lead.
Speaker 1:I talk about this all the time. People think I'm crazy because of the conditioning that we had. The time people think I'm crazy because of the conditioning that we had. But you know I come from, you know mainstream religion and mainstream religion teaches that. You know men lead and from my experience and my study of energetics and me actually working with coaches that specialize in the feminine spaces and really understanding how that energetic work is, that the feminine is what leads. The feminine energetic leads. Even when people talk about the Holy Spirit, you're led by the Holy Spirit. That's a feminine energetic. It's always spoken as the feminine and even when men are in a leadership capacity, the feminine energetic within them is what's leading their vision, their intuition, and they just are executing with their masculine right.
Speaker 1:So I'm thinking, all right, I'm waiting for men to lead all this time, because I was raised to be a good girl in mainstream religion and taught that man should take the lead. And the problem with that is that it places full responsibility of our experience on the man instead of really tapping into the feminine energetic of our leadership. Energetic of our leadership. Like even when we think biologically, men tend to think that, oh, it's my sperm, you know, that is my seed and that is why you got pregnant, not realizing that eggs reject sperm all the time. Eggs cannot get pregnant without the egg's consent. Eggs reject even if a sperm gets there first. The egg can be like nope, I don't want you, I want the other one, the egg, can do that. That is biologically. And so I'm like, okay, I'm not, the man does not have full responsibility here. I'm going to lead, I'm going to set the tone for the conversations I want to have. I'm going to set the tone to plan the dates I want to have. I want to set the tone to create an exciting, engaging experience that I want to have, because I realized that the gender quote, unquote, doesn't lead. It's the energetic that leads. And the truth is, the way I was showing up influenced how men engaged with me. The more I led, the more men stepped up. The more I led, the more men showed up and executed, because that was the masculine energetic of showing up, executing, supporting, and my entire dating life changed Okay, and my entire dating life changed Okay.
Speaker 1:I took complete control of my profile and messaging Um, instead of just listing my interest, instead of just listing, uh, what I like to do, I framed my profile in a way that invited men into my world. Instead of waiting for men to invite me, I invited them. I stopped using passive bios, like you know, I like to cook, I like to do this, I like to do that and started using bios that gave men a clear way to connect with me Inviting. Would you like to do this with me? This is a perfect date you can take me on. This is how I would love to connect with you.
Speaker 1:Instead of waiting for the perfect first message from a guy, I experimented with fun, engaging openers that set the tone for the kind of connection I wanted. I didn't wait for men to send me a message. I sent one, and it set the tone for them to want to show up. I also moved conversations forward instead of letting them stall. I stopped entertaining low energy conversations and started steering interactions in the direction that I wanted. So, for example, instead of waiting for a man to want to move off the app, I say things like oh, I really enjoyed this conversation that we're having. I would absolutely love to take it off the app to see if meeting in person would be the best next step. Instead of just waiting, I'm waiting for the man to do it. No, I'm leading with the feminine and allowing men to step up, serve and support and execute. Okay, I set the standard for how I wanted to engage instead of being angry and frustrated about being in the apps for weeks, and I basically, overall, I adjusted my approach. I actively engaged in the space. I actually took control of my results.
Speaker 1:When I made those several shifts that I just mentioned and what that led to, my experience completely changed. I went from frustration and disappointment to meeting men who added value to my life, going on dates with amazing men, men who were in a line with what I wanted. I met two of my favorite situationships ever. Oh, I'm just thinking about them now. Oh, my gosh, oh, I just love them so much. One of these men was an actor that I just adore. He was so handsome, so fun. And then another guy who is so good. These men deeply care for me. They supported me and they created fun, fulfilling experiences, and even though we were not long-term, I wouldn't trade those connections for anything. I would have never met those men out in the wild, never met these handsome, attractive, accomplished, established men out in the wild.
Speaker 1:The way that I was able to meet them on the apps, because of how our lifestyles was. I met one of the situationships. This man prepped my meals for the week. He took me on trips. He made my life easier. He was a man who loved to serve and provide. He showed me a different side of dating, where men were like were stepping up and taking care of me. Again, I met him on a dating app and it was just amazing just being able to experience life with him and I thought he was one of the most interesting people in the world.
Speaker 1:I also met Saudi. Y'all know I just ended the connection that I had with Saudi and it was one of my most meaningful ones and he just wasn't a match. He was someone where I felt like, oh, I could actually marry this man. He met me where I was emotionally and mentally, and I met him on Bumble. I met him on a dating app and the thing is I still get unmatched, but I don't take it personally. I know that every unmatched profile is just the wrong person filtering themselves out of my life. That's okay. Sometimes my ego gets hit like how dare you unmatch me out of all people? But then I get grounded and I say thank you for unmatching.
Speaker 1:I also still see dry, boring ass profiles that try to match with me, but instead of judging it or wasting time, I just I focus on men who are engaging and aligned with me rather than fixating on what other people got going on and I still have conversations that fizzle out. So there's a man that I'm interested in and we've been talking back and forth and all of a sudden I don't hear from him again. That's that. Pretty much is fizzling out. I don't I don't take it as a failure.
Speaker 1:I know that every interaction teaches me something, whether it's refining my vetting process or just practicing great conversation skills, and sometimes you just can't prevent some of this stuff. It's all a part of the process, and so, with my online dating, experience looks like now is I know I can get on a dating apps right now and attract high quality men that align with what I want, like I don't have any issue doing that. I know that I. I know how to not waste time on dry ass conversations. I know how to not connect with men who aren't serious, men who are inconsistent, men who are emotionally unavailable. I know how to get on the apps and make it feel like a fun and intentional experience every time I get on there, instead of frustrating and exhausting.
Speaker 1:And my clients who have been able to apply these same shifts are seeing the same kind of results who are able to just hop on the apps and meet men whenever they want, who are able to filter out high quality men and connect with them. And I just want you to know that online dating just didn't magically become better for me. I just stopped relying on luck and I started using strategy, and I've made it my mission to help my clients who apply these same shifts to see the same results. They are meeting men who provide. They are meeting men who support them. They are meeting men who treat them well.
Speaker 1:And if you are somebody who has listened to this podcast this is the third episode I encourage you to do the same. I encourage you to be more responsible for your online dating experience and apply these same shifts that I'm sharing with you today. And if you are somebody who wants the cheat code, if you want my eyes on things, if you need me to tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and what exactly you need to do in order to connect with quality men on the dating apps, then I encourage you to work with me this year. Book a sales call with me. Let's talk about what you need to do in order to meet high quality men online or offline, if you want to do that as well, but I will help you create a strategy and an easy system so that you are regularly meeting quality men on the dating apps without being overwhelmed and exhausted, without you consistently feeling drained and disappointed and ready to delete the app. So book a sales call with me. The link is in the show notes or you can go to the link in my bio on Instagram. I'd love to have a conversation with you so we can transform your love life in 2025.
Speaker 1:And if you've been loving this series so far, let me know. Either leave a review on the podcast for me to read If you've already left me a review, let me know on Instagram, shoot me a DM, you know, screenshot sharing stories. Let me know if you've been enjoying this series. All right, girl, let's stay tuned for the last episode in the series next week, basically on how it's going to be a blueprint. I need to narrow down the topic, but it's going to be a blueprint or something. Anywho, girl, all right, until next time. Queen Bye.