Date with Cents
Date with Cents
Hard Lessons I Learned Dating 3 Men at One Time
Dating multiple men isn’t just about having options…it’s about knowing how to manage those options. But what happens when things don’t go as planned?
In this episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on some unexpected lessons I learned while dating multiple men deeply. Some lessons I saw coming, others took me by surprise….but every single one changed how I move in my love life.
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed navigating multiple connections or wondered how to handle the emotional side of dating at this level, this episode is for you.
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What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. First off, I really want to thank everyone who extended condolences for my grandmother. If you listen to the last episode, I had to make an emergency trip back home to South Carolina to lay her to rest. She had unexpectedly passed away and so I had to really had to go and be with family. So I really want to thank everyone who reached out, who sent condolences, who sent care packages, all of the things, all the support. Uh, shout out to my boo. Winnie sent me a bouquet of flowers. I always appreciate her for for sending me the nicest flowers in the world, but yeah, so thank you for that and this particular episode.
Speaker 1:I really want to share more of my experience, more of my specific dating experience. I know that a lot of people have been watching me over the past few months date several men, and three in particular I will. Currently I'm dating two amazing men and it's all with the goal of going exclusive with one of them and moving towards marriage December. Well, just a couple of months ago, I was dating three men, but I had to let one of them go because the connection just wasn't as strong as the other two and I felt like why are we doing this? Let's go ahead and let that go. And so a lot of you guys have been following my journey. Whether you have been watching on Instagram stories the play by plays, or if you have been listening to some of my anecdotes that I've shared on the podcast, or whether you are a client and you get like real insider information, you guys have been following me and I've noticed that so many people really believe that, because I have the skill set, because I've been doing this for a while and because I've been navigating this, that it's easy for me. And it definitely isn't.
Speaker 1:At every stage of awareness, of evolution, of consciousness, there is going to be new challenges, no matter what stage that you're at, no matter what stage that you're at. And I'm at this stage where I've had a lot of evolution, a lot of growth, and I have mastered a lot of my dating practices, but that doesn't stop me from experiencing, I would say, turmoil, or where I'm able to learn new things about myself and how I show up with these men. I'm still very, very challenged by this process. That's what life is all about. Life is all about challenges and then evolving to the point where you're able to navigate the challenges without giving up, without backing down, and so I don't have everything figured out, because I have not experienced everything Dating these men.
Speaker 1:I've had to learn some really hard and unexpected lessons along the way, especially since I'm dating these men in a deep way. Most women who are dating multiple men they don't get to the point where I'm at, where they are dating men as long dating multiple men as long as I have and dating them as deeply as I have. I've been dating these men in a way that, when people look at how I'm dating them, some people have asked am I in a polyamorous relationship with them? And I'm like, no, I'm moving towards an exclusive relationship with these men, but I'm really taking my time. I think that I'm at a level where I'm requiring so much especially since I've already been married and also especially since I've done so much internal work I'm requiring so much. I have certain standards that absolutely have to be met because of the work that I've done.
Speaker 1:That being said, this episode is going to be all about the hard lessons that I have learned dating these men, because dating multiple men and it isn't just about having the options and enjoying what they bring to you. It's also knowing how to navigate the options like a woman who is really responsible for her life and really is in tune with who she is. So the first lesson hard lesson that I want to share is that pressure, pressure, is never a reason to choose. Clarity is, even if it's good pressure. So I teach my clients how to date multiple men and how to choose them from a place of clarity. I have this specific roster to relationship process that guides them from the moment that they meet a man to the point where they become exclusive with these guys. So they know exactly what to look for. They know what kind of questions that need to be asked. They know how to observe. They know how to observe the relationship, the connection, in order to decide and make the decision.
Speaker 1:The thing is, I, even me, at my big dating coach age, at my, with my skillset, with my own process, I had a moment where I almost made a decision with these men based upon pressure instead of clarity. So, basically, what happened was the end of last year I think I mentioned this in another podcast episode but the end of last year I realized that these guys were absolutely amazing and they were applying pressure in terms of needing a day, needing a date, needing a timeframe on when I will make my decision. I think they were getting antsy because we were going into the new year and I think they were like I can't believe this girl still hasn't made her choice and I'm going into the new year and I I'm not this girl's you know man yet and I can't believe that this is happening. So I think all of them got antsy going into the new year and they one of them was like well, how long is it going to be before I get my promotion? How long is it going to be before I get my promotion? And I feel like you know, I'm going to walk away if you don't make the decision by blah, blah, blah. And then the other guy was like well, I think that by this time you should make like he. He took me out to like lunch and he sat me down and he had this whole thing written out of what he would like, like how he would like to move forward in our connection, and then his expectation in terms of when I would decide and it was a specific date. And then there was the other guy. He was like I feel like you are taking too long to make your decision and it started to sound like you know where do I stand. When are you choosing? I need to know.
Speaker 1:And the weight of all of that started to get to me. And it got to me not simply because they were giving me the deadlines, but they were giving me deadlines and showing up tremendously for me and because of the specific situation that I have with these men, where I have been dating them for a while. I've been dating them deeply, we're really emotionally connected, lots of emotions are involved and there's lots of depth in the connection and everyone wanted to move forward towards marriage. It wasn't like one guy wanted to move and then there's two guys that didn't care. It's like all three of them are wanting to move into a relationship and wanting that to move into marriage.
Speaker 1:And so I got to the point where I got a little anxious and I was like Torah, are you doing the most here? Are you doing too much? Because even because I post about these interactions I have with men, I do have people coming in my DMs and they're just like why are you taking so long? Or what are you waiting for? Or like, what's your plan? Do you plan to be married? And so I'm only human and so I'm weighing this. I'm like, tora, are you really doing the most here? And it wasn't.
Speaker 1:I literally got so anxious that I couldn't even think. I couldn't even think straight and because of, like, the skills that I have and the convictions that I have around dating, I'm like I came to the conclusion. I'm like, no, you're not doing too much. I don't think you're doing too much. Like you know what, just cut all these men off. Cut them off. I got so anxious. I was like you know what? Just let all these men go. You know how to attract more men. You know how to create a new rotation. You don't need these men giving you problems. We trying to go into the new year happy, and you don't need these men stressing you out. So I was so anxious, I was about to contact them and be like you know what? I really like you, but I think it's time for us to end things.
Speaker 1:But before I did that, I reached out to Catherine, who is someone I hired as my life coach. She's also a close friend of mine and I got on the phone. I let her know. I was like look, I am really anxious right now. This is what's going on with the men in my life. Look, I am really anxious right now. This is what's going on with the men in my life, and I am at the point where I want to delete them all from my rotation. I think that I'm done.
Speaker 1:I think I'm done talking to these men, and so we had a really long conversation, as I share what was happening with each man and the pressure that I was feeling, and I didn't feel pressure to make a decision to date them. I mean exclusively like I didn't. I didn't have that pressure. I had the pressure of letting them go because they were pressuring me, if that makes sense. I felt like I felt that pressure, like I should just cut it off. This is too much.
Speaker 1:So I contacted Catherine, we had a conversation and, first of all, catherine is a part of my dream team. It's something that I teach my clients to develop a team of people that can anchor you in and keep you objective while you are dating, so that you do not over invest, so that you don't make decisions that are out of alignment with your value system. And so she just did. She did just that. She got me anchored back into. She reminded me that I don't have enough data to make a decision and, instead of making it clear to these men that I don't have enough data, I allowed myself to feel the pressure and run away, instead of being anchored in my stance. And when she said that I was like girl, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 1:I just allowed myself to get anxious and crazy and run away from these guys, instead of looking them dead in the face and was like look, you're giving me a deadline, but I don't have enough data to make the decision, especially considering that I need to see this, this and this and that, especially considering that I asked you to do this and I'm waiting to see how that goes down, especially considering that there's some items that I'm concerned about or that I think that you need to attend to that. We really we haven't revisited and you haven't bought it to my attention. So no, and that's a hard lesson that I had to learn that I wasn't immune to the pressure, especially how these men were showing up for me, the pressure, especially how these men were showing up for me, and it felt like in one of the things that Catherine said, she was like these men are very this is like next level. These men are very convincing. They are offering you a lot. They have a lot to offer. So I can understand why you got a little bit crazy there and I told myself I was like, wow, like I have to. I have to really stay anchored in my own work. I have to remind myself that, although these men are amazing, like their urgency is not my clarity even if it was, you know me deleting them from the rotation, like that wasn't the answer, that wasn't the best next step for me. And just because they're pressuring me doesn't mean that I have to run away from the situation, doesn't mean that I need to be done with it. I need to get anchored. I need to be anchored in myself. I need to be anchored in my values. I need to get anchored. I need to be anchored in myself. I need to be anchored in my values. I need to be anchored in what my standards are.
Speaker 1:And I went to each guy and this is when I decided that Saudi was no longer a contender there. I was like okay, based upon what I'm looking for, he's like behind, you know, he's like way off from the other two, behind. He's way off from the other two, so I'm just going to end this connection. And so the other two I contacted and I said, hey, I know that you said that this is you're looking for me to choose at this time and or you're going to have to walk away. And I'm like, well, I don't have any plans. I don't have any plans to make a decision by a particular date. I have already told you guys. I told you what I needed to see in order to make a decision, and I haven't seen it. I have not been able to observe it. I've told you what you needed to do and you have these outstanding items. So, no, I will not make a decision. And if you need to walk away, then that's fine, but you will know that it's not because of my indecisiveness, it is because things have not been met. That is why, and so you're welcome to leave if you need to. I'm not going to stop you.
Speaker 1:So I was very anchored in and very clear, and that level of clarity came from my core values. That level of clarity came from my conviction in my own process, and so that was a hard lesson for me to learn, because I was like I'm not immune. I'm not immune to the pressure. And these guys, they're still around. They're still around. They didn't walk away. They're still here, they're still quote unquote competing. They're still showing up for me and they are still awaiting my decision. And so I'm really, really happy that I was able to stand and be anchored in, because I would have been sad if I lost these guys. But at the same time, I know I also have dating skills to attract more of them. Like I don't believe in scarcity, I believe that I have the ability to attract more amazing men that would show up for me, and this wouldn't be a big, you know a big deal to where I felt like, if I lose them, that I couldn't recover from it. So that was lesson one.
Speaker 1:Lesson two hard lesson is just honesty is great, but oversharing creates unnecessary drama, and I am a huge advocate for honesty in dating. I teach my clients to be very upfront, very transparent, very direct with men, but what I didn't expect with me dating deeper is that my honesty started bleeding into oversharing. I have never dated multiple men this deeply before. I have never dated men at this level of evolution. Before the woman that I am that has done all the work that I've done. I've never dated at this level ever in my life, and so I realized that there was a fine line between being honest and being oversharing and well, oversharing in a way that would disrupt the connection that I would have with these men, and I actually crossed that line. Way that would disrupt the connection that I would have with these men, and I actually crossed that line. So, for example, I'll give you an example One of the guys I was FaceTiming and I was walking through my house and he caught the eye of some flowers in my home in the background during the call and he's like oh, who bought you those?
Speaker 1:And in my mind, you know, I've always. I'm honest, they know that I'm dating multiple men, they know about these men, so I just told them who did it. And that, right, there was crossing the line from honesty to oversharing. Because it did not. It created a disconnect. Okay, it wasn't. That kind of honesty did not serve our connection, it did not serve our relationship, it did not serve our bond, it was unnecessary honesty that caused unnecessary tension.
Speaker 1:So now, later on, I'm getting these vibes from him because he's spending all his time thinking about how this man has sent, how this other guy sent me flowers and he hasn't sent me flowers. He didn't need to know who sent me the flowers. That could have been an easy conversation where he's like well, number one. What I've learned from that is I am never going to video call and FaceTime a man where there are visible gifts. There are several. There are lots of gifts in my house that come from men, but I'm not going to, you know, have them in view when you know, when I'm taking video calls or something like that, or even if someone, someone, is visiting me at my home, I'm not going to have the gifts visible in that way.
Speaker 1:And so if he did, if he was able to see it in the background, the answer that I would give would simply be, oh, I received them from a friend of mine. And if they pushed and they say, oh, what kind of friend? Say, oh, what kind of friend, I would stop the conversation and ask them what about? These flowers are relevant to our connection? How do you, knowing who exactly bought me these flowers, serve our connection? Versus like answer the question Because it doesn't like it would, it would answer the question for him Like um, basically, you're asking a question that's going to hurt your own feelings and we're not going to go there.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to go there with you, um, and there was another time where I was going to celebrate a birthday with one of my dates and I told the person. The person asked like, hey, you know, um, I would like to do this with you tonight. And I'm like, hey, you know, I would like to do this with you tonight. And I'm like, oh, unfortunately, you know, I have plans. He's like, hey, what plans do you have? I'm going to do a birthday dinner, you know, with such and such. They know who the other person was.
Speaker 1:And again me wanting to be honest and open. I'm like, casually sharing that I'm going to this birthday dinner with him. And I'm like, yeah, I'm being open here, but it wasn't helpful. It literally just blurred the boundaries and created more emotional turbulence than it needed to. So then that other person was sitting there thinking about the fact that I'm going to a birthday dinner and what happens after the birthday dinner, and is she having a good time now he could be thinking this on his own, but I'm not going to be facilitating those thoughts. I am not going to be giving him the ammo for him to have the thoughts. He can just create the stories up in his brain.
Speaker 1:If I say I'm going out, but I'm not going to be the one to facilitate it, okay, honesty is valuable. We should be transparent, but honesty should create clarity and not chaos, especially when it comes to emotional chaos. So if what you're sharing doesn't strengthen the connection, more than likely it's probably oversharing and there should be boundaries that are put into place. And again, I've never been at this point, like I've always dated multiple men, but I've never been at this point where I'm dating at this level and I'm dating this deeply. And so I'm realizing where I'm blurring my own lines in a way that's easier when I think about how I usually help other women date, because it's usually not at this particular stage. And I'm realizing at my point I'm like, oh, wow, like Tora, you're blowing the lines here. And so, if you're listening and you're like, okay, tora, what are the guidelines for honesty and oversharing?
Speaker 1:Again, honesty, good honesty is just setting clear expectations to her. What are the guidelines for honesty and oversharing? Again, honesty, good honesty is just setting clear expectations. It's expressing feelings. It's about being honest about your approach. Okay, so that might look like just sharing that, oh, I'm dating other people and I'm taking time to choose the right partner that's honesty. Or I value our connection and I want to see where it goes naturally or organically that is honesty. Or I'm not ready for exclusivity yet that is honesty.
Speaker 1:But oversharing is giving details about other men that will disrupt the connection, answering questions about other men that don't serve the relationship. So, for example, telling when I told them about the gifts that the other one got me. Or sharing details about the dates that you're going on. Or explaining that you chose to go on a date with a particular man on a particular night for a particular reason. There is absolutely no reason for that. No matter how deep you're going with somebody, they simply just need to know that you're unavailable to connect with them.
Speaker 1:And yeah, that was a hard lesson that I had to learn. That, even at my big dating coach age that I started blurring the lines because of how deep the connections are, you start to feel like you can share anything. You start to feel like, oh, I'm open about it all and I'm transparent about it all, and I'm like, no, you don't need to do that, I don't care how long you've been dating these men. You don't need to do that, and so I just had to take a step back and remind myself that just because I'm open doesn't mean that I have to disclose those things, and I really need to create better boundaries with the information as I'm interacting with these guys. Okay, so lesson three that I learned is that the more men you date, the more deeply you date them, the more emotional work you have to do.
Speaker 1:I have always dated multiple men. I have not dated them this deeply previously, and mainly because it was. You know, I wasn't as evolved and I didn't have as much capacity to go this deep and I made choices faster. You know, I didn't have as many standards or stipulations, so this is pretty expansive for me, and so dating multiple men has always been fun for me. It's always been exciting. It's always been exciting, it's always been empowering.
Speaker 1:But now I'm realizing that, wow, I have so much emotional work that I'm having to do to stay grounded through the whole entire process, because I mean, first of all, the men are going to have feelings. We all know this they're going to get jealous, they're going to there are times that they may feel resentful, there are times where they're going to feel uncomfortable knowing that they're not the only one, and the deeper that these connections have gotten for me, the more I've had to navigate their emotions without absorbing them myself. So at first it was like dating, business as usual. You know, I'm dating these men, I'm enjoying these men. It's a grand old time.
Speaker 1:But as things progress and as things got deeply, I'm like, wow, their emotions are getting more intense and so it feels like they're pulling at me with their emotions. That means that I have to work on regulating myself more, because I can't let their feelings pull me out of alignment with myself. I can't let their feelings or how they feel pull me out of alignment. Hell, I can't even let my feelings, my own feelings, pull me out of alignment, because there are times where I'm just like I'm just, I'm so in love and this is so amazing. And you have to watch when you have those feelings, the choices that you choose to make. When you have those feelings, the choices that you choose to make, and I didn't want their jealousy as my stress, I didn't want their urgency as my pressure and their fears as my responsibility. That wasn't my job, and so I had to get. I realized I had to get even more intentional. Well, I'm still dating them. I still have to be more intentional about my regulation and grounding myself and managing my own emotions so I don't get up in the chaos of theirs.
Speaker 1:So I remember one time I was spending time with one of the guys and he knew it was time for I was visiting him and he knew it was time for me to go. I had spent a few days with him and it was time for me to go back home and he had completely shut down where I could tell that something was off. He wasn't his normal self. Something was completely off with him. And I was like dude, why are you being weird? Like I feel like you're being very, very weird with me here and you're like not open with me. You kind of shut down, you feel kind of distance. What's going on? And it kind of threw me off. That morning I'm like I don't, I don't want to be thrown off that way.
Speaker 1:And so I had to ground myself so that I didn't get passive, aggressive with him. So I didn't get weird back. I simply had to ground my emotions, ground myself and say, okay, however he's acting, it has nothing to do with you. Just ask him straight up what's going on. I grounded myself. I was able to talk to him and ask him like, hey, why are you being weird? What's going on? I grounded myself. I was able to talk to him and ask him like, hey, why are you being weird, what's going on? And then he says, hey, I'm grieving. I'm in a state of grief because I don't want you to go. I would love for you to stay longer. I would love for you to, for us to change your ticket so that you can stay longer. And that wasn't a practical answer because I wanted to go home and do what I needed to do, and but I had to ground myself so that I didn't allow his uncomfortability to make me uncomfortable. Right, because that's going to affect how I live my life. That's going to affect how I live my life. It's going to affect how I run my business. It's going to affect, you know, the rest of my day. I didn't want that going on, and so I was able to hold space for him and also like be emotionally grounded, so that I'm like, oh, he's a grown man, he's okay, he's uncomfortable, but he's okay, he's good. He's a grown man, he's okay, he's uncomfortable, but he's okay, he's good, he's going to be a-okay, and I let him know that I loved him and I also had to go and that I will see him whenever the next time we plan to see each other. And I was able to go. And the thing is, while I was spending time with him, another guy that I was dating he was not okay. He was not okay with me being gone that long. And he's like look, I need to change your plane ticket. I want you to come home early, I want to see you. And he's like I'm like he's dysregulated and he's uncomfortable right now. And I have to ground myself so that I'm not anxious spending time with this other guy. I don't need to make this like me be anxious because the other guy is anxious. And so I let him know. I said, hey, I'm not leaving early and this is when I will return, and so he's like I'm going to pick you up from the airport, just let me know when you're coming down. So he came, he picked me up and he was emotionally dysregulated and so I had to again ground myself and I had to say to myself I was like okay, how do you want to feel in this moment, torah, you know you want to feel clear, you want to feel grounded, you want to feel emotionally spacious because this man is going through his own thing here, and so I was able to do it. I was able to hold space for him being dysregulated and him feeling some type of way and me still being able to hold myself and be comfortable with him being uncomfortable. I think a lot of us it's not. I think so many of us are very uncomfortable with other people being uncomfortable and we don't like when people feel bad and we're like how do I fix it? How do I make it better? How do I show up so that you don't feel bad? And I'm like these men are going to feel bad and that's okay, they can feel bad. It's important that they learn how to regulate their own emotions and that I regulate mine, and it has caused me to grow so much for me to date at this level and me being able to hold space for a man's emotions without taking them on, for me to stay grounded in my own peace that I've created for myself when someone else is in their own chaos, and to maintain my own clarity when others are confused, and just to stay centered. And so I've loved the fact that I've been able to acknowledge these men's feelings without becoming responsible for them, acknowledging that they feel sad, acknowledging that they feel grief, acknowledging that they're uncomfortable and upset, without making those feelings my own, without taking them on. And I'm proud of myself that I'm creating this skill set, because if I'm dating one man that is going to like I'm going to be a beast at my emotional regulation, I'm going to be the queen at being able to hold myself, hold space for, for the man, without overextending myself and not trying to come to his damn rescue, you know. So this work isn't just about choosing the right man. It's also about staying so rooted in yourself that, no matter what energy is coming at you, you remain grounded. The next lesson lesson four, the hard lesson was girl, always question your non-negotiables, because they might just be unchallenged beliefs. Always question your non-negotiables because they might just be unchallenged beliefs. So one of the biggest lessons that I've learned dating these men is that some of the identities, some of the non-negotiables that I've been holding on to, they weren't actually in the truth of who I was and the values that I had. They were just ideas that I just haven't questioned before, and so I didn't walk into this experience thinking, oh, I need to challenge my beliefs. I wasn't expecting my views on what I would and wouldn't do to shift. I wasn't expecting that. But as I dated these men and I started to observe and have deeper conversations, I realized that some of the things that I was a no-to, a strong no-to, a non-negotiable on they were not actually aligned with who I am now Like. They were untested assumptions based upon past trauma, past drama, the past version of myself. And again, as I've said, I'm evolved from last year. I'm evolved from three years ago. I'm evolved from when I was in my marriage. So, for example, over the past few years, I have been very loud and adamant about not cooking, very loud about that, especially when men would ask me about cooking. I have been very adamant that I'm not cooking. I don't cook and I'm not cooking for you, and that was a non-negotiable for me. I'm like I'm just not doing that. And recently I've actually switched. I have been cooking and I have been cooking meals for the men in my life Like it ain't been like that y'all, but I have made them a plate. I have made them a plate. I have made them a plate. I don't feel resistant to it anymore because one of the men that I'm dating you know. He was asking me about cooking and why I don't cook and and instead of sharing this in a way that many of the men before him have shared, they've been like oh well, you're a woman, you need to, you need to be cooking or you need to be able to keep your man. You need to cook to keep your man and you need to keep. You need to cook in order to hold on to a man. Cook for a man, labor for a man. And I'm like no, absolutely not, I'm not interested in that. And he did not explain it that way. He was like oh, you know, cooking is really great for your health. Cooking shows that you care about your health and what you're putting into your body. When you are doing all of this. You know ordering. You're not necessarily knowing exactly what's going in there. You don't really know a lot of the. You know ingredients, even if you order it from, like, a healthy company. But cooking really helps you take care of your health and your fitness and I know that's one of your core values. He knows that and I was like oh, you're right. I'm not against cooking, I'm against kitchen labor. That's what I'm against. I'm not kitchen labor. That's what I'm against. I'm not against cooking. I'm against a man requiring me to cook for laborious purposes to keep his ass or to keep the family together, or doing it because I'm a woman. That's what I'm against. And I had not tested that assumption until this man that I was dating tested it for me and I was like, wow, this cooking is not a non-negotiable for me, it's kitchen labor and I literally deleted my subscription. I ended my meal plan subscription. I was getting meals to my house every week and I started cooking and I've enjoyed it and it's been amazing for my health and I've even started cooking for these men. But it's not been emotionally laborious. It hasn't been kitchen labor for me, it's been. Oh, you know we all value health and fitness. And would you like a steak today to add to your protein goals, because I love you and I want to help add to your protein goals and we both can get our protein in together. Would you like some salmon? I would like to make some salmon so we can get these omega threes in and get the protein here, and I've been enjoying it. It hasn't been kitchen labor for me, it hasn't been let me do this to keep a man. It's been, oh, I'm doing this because this is in alignment with the value of mine and I want to do it. And it's felt really, really, really good. And I remember one of the guys was coming in to see me and I actually had a plate of food when he was able to get off the airport. I'm like I know that you were on the plane during the time that you usually eat, because he only eats twice a day and I know this is the time when you have this particular meal. I decided to make the meal for you so that you got your protein, you got your fats, you got this. And it didn't feel like kitchen labor. It felt like we were like it was in alignment with what I'm looking for in my life and the partner that I want to be connected to and we're all valuing health and fitness there. But not like, oh, if I stop cooking, that he's going to walk away from me, or I need to do this to prove to me, to prove that I'm a great wife. Like nope, I don't believe in that and I will never participate in that that's a non-negotiable. I don't care, but if I'm in alignment with my values of health and fitness, yes, absolutely so. Yeah, and I realized that was a unchallenged belief that I had. I'm really really happy that I challenged it and the same thing happened. I said that I would never share a bank account with a man Like that was a non-negotiable for me, but it was a subconscious belief that men are reckless and irresponsible when it comes to money. And it wasn't challenged until me really discussing this with one of the men that I was dating. And one thing about this man he's very, very, very, very responsible with his money. He knows how to manage money well. He knows how to manage his investments well. He knows all the interest rates on all his bank accounts. He's just really good at making monetary decisions and making money. He's very good at making money as well. And, based upon the conversations and the decisions that I've been seeing him make, he was like, hey, if we were together, I would love for us to share bank accounts. And I'm like wah, wah. And it had something to do with my past. You know the men in my life from my father. You know watching the men in my life in general, they just did not know how to manage money well. Even if they made a lot of money, they didn't know how to manage money well. Even if they made a lot of money, they didn't know how to manage it well. From my father, from my child's father, to the men that I saw in my family, to even my husband, he was able to make a lot of money and he didn't know how to manage it well. So I'm like I'm not sharing a bank account with you. I don't know what you're going to do one day, and with the money, I have no idea. So I always kept it separate. But this particular man, I'm like oh, I'm so turned on by the way you manage money. He's like, yeah, I would love for us to, you know, have a joint bank account together. We can have our separate accounts, but I would love for the money to be in an account. This isn't a non-negotiable for me. This actually is an identity that I've been clinging on to from past trauma and past experiences, but it has nothing to do with what I actually value. It has everything to do with what I'm scared of, and I don't want to leave from a place of fear. I want to leave from a place of confidence and good decisions, and because I have observed you managing your money in an amazing way, like I absolutely would do that. I absolutely would do that with you. And so I opened my mind up and I'm like, okay, I could, I could share bank accounts with all of these men. I think all of these men are. They don't have the same red flags as the other guys when it comes to money. They have really good credit, they all have investments, they all have a good relationship with money, and so I'm like this is not me. This is an old identity. So my, my, this needs to be questioned, and so my growth. While dating these men, it wasn't just about discovering like brand new things about myself. It's. It was also like about realizing that some of what I believed about myself was not truly aligned with me to begin with, and dating at this level will expose where you're still carrying old identities that don't actually fit who you're becoming, so you got to pay attention to that. So that's the lesson I wanted to share. And then the last lesson that I want to share is that man dating multiple men has been one of my deepest spiritual practices. As you all know, I teach dating as a spiritual practice. I have several podcast episodes on the topic and the reason why it's a spiritual practice? Because, number one, it's supposed to get you deeply connected to yourself and that in turn gets you deeply connected to God, right, our creator. And I didn't expect this to be so deep and one of the deepest in the past couple of years, but it has been and it has forced me to consistently constantly refine how I show up in, not just in my romantic life but in my entire life period, and how I hold to my standards and how I communicate in a way that aligns with the woman that I say that I want to be, because a lot of times, you know, we tell ourselves you know, I want to be this kind of woman, I want to show up in this kind of way, and then when you have three men showing up as mirrors in your life, showing up reflecting back your patterns or your insecurities or your desires, or your desires or your fears, you have them reflecting that back and be with that. You're having to be with that because when you're dating at my level, you just can't move mindlessly. Dating at any level, right, but especially at my level. You can't move mindlessly. You have to be extremely intentional about the interactions that you're having, about what you're doing in your life, and I found myself daily, weekly, checking in with myself and asking you know, am I communicating this from a place of confidence or a place of fear? Am I showing up as the woman that I'm becoming or the woman that I'm comfortable being? Am I making this choice from a place of alignment or avoidance, like I'm consistently having to ask my question? Every interaction with these men became a mirror reflecting back to me where I still needed to grow. Every conversation became an opportunity to practice showing up as my highest self from the conflict that we had. If we had an argument or conflict, how am I going to? How am I expressing my anger? I remember being on the phone, being extremely angry with one of the men that I was dating. I had tears in my eyes and the tears were just falling and he's just like hey, he's sitting there. He's like hey, I didn't mean to make you cry and I'm sitting there and I'm like you know, you didn't make me cry. I'm crying because my interpretation of what you're saying feels rough for me, it feels really bad and I'm sitting with those emotions right now and I can't really carry on this conversation anymore because I'm so overwhelmed with the feeling so I'm going to have to take a break. I'm going to have to take a break from that. So, even conflict as well, or calling the men out, when I noticed that the men were saying things but they were not saying things, maybe they were vague about something that I felt like was important to them and I'm like, hey, this, this, this doesn't feel truthful. It doesn't feel like you're open with me and I need you to sit with me and actually share the truth of what's happening here. It feels like you're just trying to give me information that you need me to know without actually spelling it out. I really need you to spell it out. And those, sometimes those conversations were really hard, like really hard, and then just me being able to look and see all the places where you know I'm insecure or I have fear or concerns about you know what these men were thinking or what they were expecting from me. So, for example, I know that I really wanted to be, you know, committed to my fitness goals. I wanted to be committed to my business goals. Those are things I want to be committed to. And then there are sometimes the men wanted to talk to me or wanted to spend time with me in a way that didn't align with those goals, and I had to think about okay, how am I getting deeply connected to myself here? How am I staying committed to myself? Yes, I want to spend time with them. Yes, I want to talk to them. Yes, I want to hang out with them. But how can I do this while also staying committed to my fitness goals? How can I do this while also staying committed to my business goals? How can I do this while being committed to my personal development goals? And I'm telling you, it's been such a stretch, it's been so expansive at the same time. So I'm like again this journey isn't just about choosing a man. It's about choosing myself over and over and over and over again. While I am seeking to choose them, I'm consistently refining myself in the process. Every conversation, every boundary, every emotional trigger is a mirror reflecting where I still needed to grow, and the same is going to be true for you. If you lean into that process instead of resisting it, it will stretch you into the highest version of yourself. And I look at myself now. I'm like, wow, dating these men, I am so much better. I am such a better woman. I know how to communicate better. I know how to express myself better. I know how to manage conflict better. I know how to navigate my emotional triggers better. I know how to regulate better. I am a better woman because I'm dating these men. Oh, my goodness, it feels so good to think about of being able to put yourself in a position to date and grow from the dating. And most of us don't look to grow from dating, we're just looking to get our man. I'm like dating is so much more than that. It's so much more. It's like bootcamp, personal development bootcamp, and I absolutely love it. So, yeah, those are my lessons. I'm telling you, I got on this podcast and I was like, yeah, I'm going to just go for 20 minutes. Here we are 50 minutes. In one of these days, one of these days it'll be, it'll probably be less than 50 minutes, because Ingrid is my editor. She's going to edit this down. Um, but not too far from that. But yeah, um, those are the lessons that I learned. The hard lessons that I learned were um. Lesson one pressure is not a reason to choose. Clarity is, even if it's good, pressure. Lesson two honesty is great, but oversharing creates unnecessary drama. Lesson three the more men you date, the deeper you date them, the more emotional work you will do. And number four always question your non-negotiables. They might just be unchallenged beliefs. And lesson five dating multiple men has been one of my deepest spiritual practices, so I know this has been eye opening for you. I know that was something that you were able to learn from this. I am always happy to share and if you would like to date at a deeper level and use it to enhance your life, change your life, even outside of romance, I do encourage you to book a sales call to work with me this year, and booking the sales call is low pressure. It's simply you getting on a call with me so that we can see if working together is the best next step. I know a lot of people are thinking oh, I got to get ready to book a call for her or I got to be in a right position, just book the call. The call will show us or show you where and if you need to get even more ready, it will let you know whether working together is the best next step, or you need to take more time, or if it'll be months from now or next year, but a lot of you won't know because you didn't book the call. You're leaning upon your own understanding, your own blind spots. When I point them out to you, when I can point them out to you on the sales call, okay, a lot of you guys are trying to them out to you on the sales call. Okay, a lot of you guys are trying to get ready and you don't need to. You just simply, we just simply need to book the call to figure out how ready you actually are. But, anywho, the, the, the, the link to book the call is going to be in my show notes so you can go to my Instagram. But okay, that's all I have for you today, queen, and until next time, bye.