Date with Cents
Date with Cents
Why Doing the Work Isn’t Getting You the Men You Want
You’ve gone to therapy, read the books, taken the courses, and done everything you thought would lead to a better dating experience. But instead of attracting high-quality men, you feel like you’re growing, but the men around you aren’t.
That’s because doing the work doesn’t attract better men…being the work does.
In this episode, I break down why checking all the self-improvement boxes won’t change your dating results.
You’ll learn how Good Girl Syndrome keeps you stuck in performance mode, why focusing on growth as an achievement leads to frustration, and the real shift that makes men step up and pursue you differently.
I’ll also share real client experiences that show the difference between doing the work and embodying it—and how that embodiment naturally changes the kind of men you attract and entertain.
If you’re tired of feeling like you’re outgrowing a lot of men but still aren’t meeting the men you desire, this episode will show you exactly why—and what to do instead.
Work with me to attract emotionally mature, intelligent, and available men (without the stress of wondering if they even exist).
Book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me. Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. I am feeling refreshed, I'm feeling optimistic, I'm feeling really excited. It's Monday and Mondays are really fun for me. I really enjoy Mondays because it's a day that I typically focus on myself and what I need to get done and what I need to handle. I'm not taking any client calls. I'm really more so focused on you know, how do I improve my life, how do I improve my business? And I do a lot of thinking and I do coaching for my like, I coach myself and, yeah, I'm just, I'm in, I'm really in a great space. So, happy Monday.
Speaker 1:Well, it'll be Thursday when you listen to this episode, but anywho, this episode I was inspired to do after speaking with a potential client on a sales call recently. Actually, she she became a client, so she's no longer potential. But she's a widow who was married to a toxic man for many years and after her husband passed, she put herself out there to date. But she realized she was continuing to attract toxic men and that was a cycle that she really wants to break, and so she told me she had been going to therapy and she'd been doing the work to heal, and of course she's hiring me, so she's putting in work there. And then she said something that I hear from so many high achieving women of faith. She's like, look, one concern I have is doing all of this work, doing the work, and feeling like there aren't any men out here who are doing the work too. And as soon as she said it, I already know what to say, because I hear this all the time. Her women in my audience, clients they come to me. They're worried about, you know, doing this work, doing their personal growth work, their self-development work, and there's not many men who are doing the work to to match their effort or match their energy. And so I was able to share with her that, if you are doing your work appropriately, you will never have to worry about attracting men who are also showing up and doing the work. You will never have to be concerned about being able to attract healthy, emotionally healthy men. Being able to attract healthy, emotionally healthy men. You won't have to worry about attracting men who are personally developed and who regularly work on developing themselves personally. You'll never have to worry about that.
Speaker 1:But the reason why we worry about that, as women of faith who are doing this work is because we focus on self-improvement like it's a curriculum. We are completing courses, we're watching videos, we're hiring courses, but not actually changing how we actually show up in relationships. We believe that all of this doing is making us better women, is enhancing who we are as women, and that is not the case. That is not how this works at all, because the focus should not be on doing this work. The shift is being the work. And so I'll give you some examples.
Speaker 1:Because so many of us think that we're doing the right thing by doing the work, because we're going to therapy, we're taking the courses on self-work, we're reading the books on feminine energy and vulnerability, we're journaling, we're affirming, we're reflecting, and none of that is bad. In fact, it's very necessary, right, we should be doing these things. But if doing the work hasn't given you the results that you're looking for, if you're not attracting the kind of men that you want, it's probably because you're not actually being the work, because growth isn't about how you've learned. It's not about you collecting information, it's not about you checking the box, how many things you've checked off your to-do list. It's about how you show up in these moments. So, for example, doing the work looks like going to therapy every week. Right, we got our therapist, we're going to therapy. We're talking about our dating patterns, we're talking about our past wounds. But being the work is being able to regulate your emotions in the moment when something triggers you, when your family members trigger you, like you're not just shutting down when men are triggering you. You're not just avoiding or reacting to the triggers. You are able to respond differently when a man pulls away. You're not feeling super anxious around that, or you respond differently when a man doesn't meet your standards.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that's what being the work looks like. Doing the work looks like you reading books and watching YouTube videos on feminine energy. That's a very popular thing to do at this time, you know. Following Instagram pages about feminine allure or saying your affirmations in the mirror every morning like that is doing the work and we feel really good. We get a lot of dopamine hits about. Oh, here's what I'm learning. I'm learning how to be more feminine. Get a lot of dopamine hits about. Oh, here's what I'm learning. I'm learning how to be more feminine.
Speaker 1:But being the work is actually moving through the world as a woman who trusts herself and her presence so she is able to make decisions based upon her intuition and what she wants to do, versus trying to figure out, like what should she do? What's the right thing to say? What's the right thing to do, what's the right way to go about things? Being the work is speaking and expressing yourself freely, without overthinking how you're perceived, right? So so many women I know that are looking at these feminine uh, feminine energy videos and, uh, reading these feminine energy books. They still fear expressing themselves without overthinking what they're going to say next, without consistently self-editing themselves or concerned about how people are going to look at them or how people think about them. They will read these books and not allow themselves to be seen and felt, without micromanaging how others experience them. So they're really concerned if I post this on social media, like, how are people going to perceive? I'm not even going to post because I don't want people to think a certain way about me. Or I don't want to send this message because I don't want to look desperate or thirsty. Or I don't want to say no because I don't want people to think that I'm selfish. Or I don't want to ask for things because I don't want to be seen as a gold digger Again, reading all the feminine energy books, looking at all the feminine energy videos and still not allowing themselves to be seen.
Speaker 1:Doing the work is, you know, reading a Brene Brown book on vulnerability. Shout out to Brene Brown. I know so many of us high achieving women. We've watched her TED talk. We've read her books. We probably did a book club where we were reading the book with other women and we understand the theory of vulnerability. We understand why it matters, we understand how it deepens connection and how it builds trust, like we logically get it because we've quote unquote done the work.
Speaker 1:But being the work is actually letting yourself be emotionally seen in dating relationships, not acting like nonchalant about it. Like so many of us don't want men to really know how we actually feel and how we're actually excited about them and how we're actually in love with them. We don't want, we don't want to be emotionally seen that way, because we don't want them to be turned off or to pull away or to think something is crazy about us. Being in the work is being able to admit when you're nervous or excited or scared or confused in real time and not just cover it up or say, oh, I'm okay or I'm fine. Being the work is being able to say what you truly want and need, instead of filtering it to sound reasonable or low maintenance to other people. Being the work looks like expressing your standards and your desires and your boundaries to people without toning them down so that people would feel more comfortable being around you, so that people don't think that you're too much.
Speaker 1:Being the work is taking the risk to go first without knowing how the other person will respond, kind of like how I say you know, I'm always asked you know, tora, how do you these men are very expressive with you how are you attracting these kind of men? Where are you finding them? I'm like I'm very emotionally expressive. I don't wait for these men to tell me if they're in love with me. I don't wait for these men to tell me how excited they are about me. I tell them first. I don't care how they respond. I don't wait for them to let me know it's safe to go first. I just go first, because that is me showing up for myself. That is me showing up for me. So that is what doing the work looks like. And now, when it comes to dating specifically, some of us are have been listening to this podcast.
Speaker 1:Some of you are actually, you know, new clients coming in and you're doing the work right. You follow me on Instagram. You're doing my challenges. You downloading the apps, you're setting up your profile and you're swiping left to right. You're doing my challenges. You downloading the apps, you're setting up your profile and you're swiping left to right. You're doing the work, girl. And.
Speaker 1:But the thing is being the work where you're actually going to get results is using the dating apps with presence. Like being really, really present and sitting with intention on the app. Like you come on the app already with a set intention and on how you plan to build your skills and you really trust yourself to connect with men in the time that you will connect with men. Like you self-trust the conversations that you're gonna have. You trust your ability to meet men when it's time to meet them. That is being the work. You are swiping from a place of curiosity and openness instead of obligation.
Speaker 1:Like I'm going to get on this app because Tora said I should be on the apps and I need to make sure I'm on the apps because this is how I get a man that is doing the work right. And if you're having trouble seeing the results that you really want in your life. It's because you are focused on doing the work and not being the work. Or you might go to events. Doing the work is pretty much going to an event because you should, right, you should, and that's why so many of us are arriving and looking around and not meeting anyone and leaving disappointed because of all of that right, because you were supposed to do that and you didn't get the result.
Speaker 1:But being the work is you go with the intention of enjoying yourself first. I'm being the work because I have done my work of healing, because I've done my work of becoming a more um, a woman who's tapped more into her feminine, because I am a woman who has really tapped into my self-worth. I am going to enjoy myself first rather than make it a task that I just check off because I I know this is what I need to do to meet men. Or I'm being the work because I'm fully present in the room. Right, I'm really present. I'm not thinking about what happened yesterday. I'm not thinking about what's going to happen tomorrow. I'm not having anxiety around what people are thinking about me, if they're judging me, because I am being, I'm engaging with the people without attachment to an outcome, because I am being. I'm engaging with the people without attachment to an outcome because I am being.
Speaker 1:And if you are not experiencing joy in dating, if you are not experiencing the types of men that you want emotionally available, healthy, productive men who are on your level it is because you are more likely focused on doing the work versus being the work. But guess what girl? It's not your fault. It's not your fault that you're focused on doing the work because, as high achieving woman of faith, we were raised with good girl syndrome. We were raised to be that good girl, to believe that effort in doing equals reward. So that is why we would focus on doing our work at school so that we could get good grades, because we know we'd get praise for that. All right, we focused on doing by following the rules.
Speaker 1:If I follow the rules, people will think that I'm a good person. People will think that I am a good woman. People will think I'm a good girl, a good daughter. People will think I'm good. And if I'm good, I'm a good girl, a good daughter. People would think I'm good, and if I'm good, I'm going to be liked. And so it us doing the work led to getting approval, and so we've spent our whole lives earning that approval. Because our parents rewarded us doing, us doing, uh, teachers rewarded us doing. The world rewards doing. Because the the world, the world doesn't really focus on, um, the feminine right. It's all masculine activity. We're focused on, uh, masculine presence, right, and so that's why we focus on doing, because that's what the world values.
Speaker 1:Okay, but the problem with this is that we've never been rewarded simply for being the feminine, for existing exactly as who we are, without having to do, without having to put forth effort, and so we have not really focused on how to be, how to exist, how to show up, because if you didn't get good grades, it doesn't matter that you were able to show up in class and enjoy the experience of class and be fully present in class. No one cared if you were fully present in class, because you need to just get good grades. No one cared about that, okay, no one cared if you were able to express your emotions clearly to your parents. You just need to follow the rules. I don't give a damn about how you think that's how our parents treated us. I don't give a damn about how you think. That's how our parents treated us. I don't give a damn about how you feel. I don't care about that expression. You don't need to share that with me, because the only thing I need you to do is to follow the rules, is to check off the box, is to do as I say. Right, you can keep that other stuff to yourself.
Speaker 1:So we have just not been used to just being in our feminine and expressing ourselves and being focused on just how we show up, because no one cared about that piece, and so that is why we have been focused on doing checking off the box and then looking for a reward or guaranteed results. Okay, we focus on self-improvement like a curriculum. We be completing courses, we watch videos, we hire coaches, but it never actually changes how we show up in relationships, because we think the doing is enough and we think doing the work will finally make things click for us, but in reality, it just keeps us stuck in an endless loop of preparation. This is why I'll have women listening to my podcast, looking at my Instagram content, and they will tell me year after year, month after month Tora, I'm getting ready to work with you. I just need to work on myself first. I just need to get ready to work with you. And they don't realize that this keeps them in an endless stuck of preparation, of doing things in order to get ready and just instead of just deciding that I am ready already. I am ready for this work because I want it. I am ready for this work because I desire it, not because I have to check off the boxes to put some things into place. I already am ready to do this with you, okay. So almost all my clients who come to me when they first come to me because they're high achieving women of faith, they want to do the work and check off the boxes with me. Okay, they want to show up as the good girl who puts in the effort and focus on doing so.
Speaker 1:I had a client who showed up every single week. Right, she showed up every single week in sending me updates. She would show up to the coaching calls with updates. She would tell me what she did for her homework. She would tell me who she matched with. She would tell me whether she did for her homework. She would tell me who she matched with. She would tell me whether she went on dates or not. She would tell me oh Tara, you know this happened, I got a match, but that doesn't matter because, like you said, if they're not in alignment, if they're not in alignment with me, then none of that matters.
Speaker 1:And so she was saying all the right things, she was consistent and diligent, doing, focused on doing, but something felt very, very off to me. Number one, because if you are doing the work appropriately and by appropriately it means being the work then I should be seeing certain transformations in your love life, and I wasn't seeing those. And number two, I couldn't feel her. She was giving me updates, but she wasn't giving me herself. I couldn't feel into her, she wasn't sharing. So she was sharing me the updates about how she got online and swiped, but there were no matches. But she wasn't sharing the hesitation she felt before swiping on a man. But she wasn't sharing the hesitation she felt before swiping on a man.
Speaker 1:So she would tell me that she went out to an event, right, but she didn't share the self-doubt that crept in when she was at these events. She would share that. You know I have been doing this homework, I have been conversing with this guy and you know it kind of fizzled out, but she wasn't sharing the moments when she wanted to say something but held back. So I really couldn't feel into her. She was focused on doing but not actually being, and treating her love life like a checklist and not a real experience.
Speaker 1:And so I ended up, once I realized what was happening, I sent her a voice memo. I was like hey, you know there's a place where you're actually avoiding this work. You know you're doing the things. You know you're checking off the boxes, you're giving me the updates, but I can't feel you. I don't know what this actually feels like for you. I don't know where the discomfort is. I don't know where the moments you're hesitating. I don't know where you're still second guessing yourself to coach you through these things, because this is actually who you are, and who you are affects your results. Who you are affects your transformation. Who you are affects the types of men that you attract. That is the real work, and right now you're checking off the boxes and you're not going to get what you want by simply coming here, being a good student and just telling me what I want to hear.
Speaker 1:And so she had a huge realization in that moment, and she admitted that she wasn't sharing her emotions because she didn't want to be seen as disappointing. Okay, she thought that if she did these things, she wouldn't have to deal with those messy parts, those vulnerable pieces, and she was avoiding the same vulnerability that she would expect from a man. Okay, now, if you're not able to show up this way, it's going to be hard for men to meet you there. All right, doesn't matter how much work you do. And she was also in therapy. So, again, she was going to therapy and still not able to expose herself. She had been going to therapy for a while and still not able to to really let me feel into her that way.
Speaker 1:And now, youall know, last week I had a client on the podcast, sefra. Shout out to Sefra. She's been getting a lot of really good feedback from her episode and I really appreciate how everyone has kind of, like you know, reached out to her and showed her some love over that, Because it's not it's not always easy to come on and let people hear personal details of your love life. And so, anywho, sephra wasn't just doing the work as we talked about. She was being the work. And so what made her experience different? Like, even though she was performing for men. She wasn't performing for me Okay, even though she, uh, she was stuck being good girl with men. She wasn't being good girl with me.
Speaker 1:She didn't just give me updates. She gave me insight into her entire experience. When she gave me insight into how she felt about me or felt about my coaching or or her confusion or like where she was emotionally and her insecurities, and she told me how she felt about what was happening real time, and she shared her struggles, instead of waiting until she had a clean story to present, cause I know a lot of new clients they want to come tell me all these clean stories of what they did and what they accomplished and what they've done. Girl, I don't give a damn about that. You know, my real concern is who you're being, because if you check off the boxes but you don't become the woman that you need to be, none of this is going to be longstanding and you're going to fall into a rut that you can't get out of and give up. On dating right, I don't need the temporary wins if we're not working on transformation.
Speaker 1:And she had awareness about, like, what was happening in her body. You know she wasn't just intellectualizing her growth, she wasn't just doing the things. She was embodying all of it, and because she was being the work, she got really incredible results. And she got results often, like every single time I turned around, there was a new wind that was blowing me out of the water, and it really wasn't focused on her checking out the box and doing the work. It was like the woman that she was becoming, and so she was receiving external results because of who she was becoming, and I just I mean, it's amazing work that she was able to do all that.
Speaker 1:And so she created deep, aligned connections with men, naturally men who did the work, naturally men who are emotionally available. I remember her telling me when she first connected with her, like an emotionally available guy who was also financially available, and she was like, oh my gosh, tori, like I don't even know what to do with this. She had attracted what she actually wanted and was really shocked by it, and I'm just really excited that she's continuing to transform and show up for herself. So that's the reality of being the work versus doing the work. Right, when you start being the work, men experience you completely different. Okay, you do not have to worry about finding men who are also doing the work, because when you embody your growth, you naturally attract men who match your energy. Okay, and then men who are almost there, and when I say almost there, I mean like men who may not be doing the things that you're doing or have are completely aligned with your energy and how you show up in your work. They feel inspired to rise to meet you. I'll give you an example.
Speaker 1:I remember telling a guy I'm dating, a guy was dating. I remember telling him that hey, I joined this program, this personal development program, to improve who I am as a woman. I wanted to improve how I lived by my core values. I wanted to improve how I stepped into the identity of the woman I want to be. I want to improve my relationships. And this was like a 14 week program that allowed you to do all the things. I wanted to improve how I saw myself as a woman. And he was asking me all these questions about it and he actually booked a call with the who did the course, that did the program, to meet with them and the program was like $3,000.
Speaker 1:And he joined the program to be with me and we were in that program together and we would talk about the coaching calls every week, we would do our homework and we would really talk about those things. And the reason he told me. He said I joined because of how you show up. I joined because I really admire who you are. I admire how you make decisions, I admire how you show up emotionally and I'm like I want some of that too. So therefore, he was inspired to want to join that, that program.
Speaker 1:And then also, I remember you got I'm telling you guys about Frontrunner Latin Poppy and how I let him know that in order to continue to date me, he needed to expand his emotional capacity, right, because I felt like he wasn't able to meet me emotionally. And he went to therapy. He signed up for therapy and at the end of therapy, that man was able to show up for me emotionally, he was able to expand himself and I was like, oh my gosh, this is absolutely amazing. I appreciate you showing up for me in this way and it's so interesting. And let me tell you the difference between doing the work and being the work.
Speaker 1:So he went to therapy, he did the work, but then he became a different person in the work, right, he actually decided to open up and be vulnerable and he was able to express himself a lot more deeper. So before he went to therapy, he wasn't. He didn't know how to name his emotions, he didn't know how to tap into his body to really explain how he was feeling. After therapy, that man was so wide open and expressing himself. I remember one time he came he was like I'm sad. I'm sad because blah, blah, blah, blah, and it really hurts because blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, oh, look at you, look at you. It just made me feel so happy that he was able to not just hold space for my emotions as a woman, but also hold space for his own emotions, because there was a time he wasn't able to do that. And I don't really trust people who don't, who can't hold space for their emotions, because if you can't hold space, then, um, it causes that stuff to build up over time and then you do crazy stuff Anywho.
Speaker 1:But my husband, on the other hand, he started going to therapy after I left and we even did couples therapy and ain't nothing changed about that damn man. He went to therapy every week and he would send me emails saying see, you know, I got a therapist. You know I got a therapist and I'm going to therapy and he would even tell other people, like you know, I'm going to therapy. So people thought he was doing the work and even in couples therapy he was going. And then I don't know what he was doing on his therapy sessions or what he was saying and those, but in couples therapy this man ended up cussing out our therapist on the call and I'm like, sir, it's been like two years of us being separated and this is you still here. You still at this point of cussing out the therapist, like you're not hearing what the therapist is saying, you're relying on your own opinions and not listening to this man who was educated in it. Like you chose this therapist and you done cussed out the therapist, you know. So he went to therapy for that for that long of a time and still was acting a fool and still was not. He still had not transformed who he was, one of the reasons why I left in the first place.
Speaker 1:Okay, and that is the difference between doing the work and being the work. One man did the work and actually became a different person. Another man did the work and still the same person. And that's what a lot of us are doing, because therapy, if we're in never ending therapy, there's a there's an issue there. Right, we're consistently in never ending therapy, there should be an end date. All right, there should be end dates. But some of us are not transforming because we get to cycle the same thoughts over and over and over again and it just feels good to be doing something.
Speaker 1:And that leads me to say that when you are actually being the work, you stop attracting men who only talk about doing the work. Like I said, my husband, right, he talked about doing the work. It sounded good to say I'm a black man doing therapy. And but when you're being the work, you attract men who also live the work. They're not just talking about therapy, they are living it. These are the men who, um, like we're not attracting men who say all the right things about emotional intelligence, about self-improvement, about therapy, but their actions don't align. This reminds me of that Dr Dentist on the pop the balloon show. He'd been on that so many times.
Speaker 1:His name, dr Elam, but he weaponizes the work, like, he says all the right things about emotional intelligence, self-improvement and therapy, but this man is so not self-aware of his uh, his uh, his arrogance, his lack of emotional intelligence. He uses his therapy tools and knowledge to berate the women. Like you rejected me, like women will pop the balloon on him and he's like it's because you need therapy, it's because you don't know what it feels like to to be with a real man like me. I'm a real man and and you're you. You think you're the prize. You're not the prize because you've you're. You don't have men that you actually want chasing you and that's why I'm the prize, because I have a career and a degree and I make six figures and that makes me.
Speaker 1:It's all weaponization of the work and he's using therapy to condescend these women instead of connecting with these women. That's how you know his ass is not doing the work because it's not for connection. He's not using these tools for connection. He's not showing up for connection. He's showing using these tools for connection. He's not showing up for connection. He's showing up to condescend and to make himself look better. I'm not going to go as far as to saying this man is a narc, because I don't diagnose people that way. But he is giving, he's giving.
Speaker 1:But when you're being the work, you naturally filter out those men because their energy will feel off to you and they'll sense that they can't fake it with you. Right, they sit those women was entertaining his ass on a pop the balloon show. Like, we don't entertain men like that. When you're being the work, there is no entertaining people like that. If you find yourself entertaining people like that, um, even even in conversation, where you feel like you have to defend yourself, there's a place where you're not being the work. You're not okay, you're just doing it.
Speaker 1:And so here are signs that you're still doing the work. One you feel anxious about what to say, how to respond or whether you're getting it right. Okay, you're overthinking and second guessing your interactions. That's doing. You still feel like you have to look a certain way to a man. You avoid doing things or saying things because you don't want people to think of you a certain way. Or dating feels like another chore, right, that is signs that you're still in. You're still doing the work mode. Okay, here are signs that you're being the work.
Speaker 1:You speak freely and you trust yourself in conversations instead of overthinking, even even if it wasn't like exactly what you wanted to say, even if it came off wrong. Like you speak freely, you naturally allow your presence to speak for itself. Instead of trying to prove that you're good, or prove that you're not a good a gold digger, or prove that you're not taking advantage of people Like a lot of us will, we'll avoid not asking for things or requesting things, cause we we want to prove that we're not like the other girls. Let your presence speak for itself. That's when you're being the work. You're being the work when you feel secure, at ease and clear about what you want. I'm clear that I want this kind of man. I'm clear and secure that I want a relationship. I'm clear and secure that I want to be approached. I'm clear and secure that I want marriage. I want gifts, I want money. I want all these things without forcing or controlling the outcomes. You want it, but you're not trying to force it. You want it, but you're not trying to control it. You want it, but you don't need for something to happen a certain way. You want to go on a date, but you don't need this man to ask for it in order for you to be okay. All right. And then, signs of being the work is dating Just.
Speaker 1:It feels like an extension of who you are, not like a chore, it's like oh, dating is like I'm a woman who dates. That's just who I am. Just like, oh, I'm a black woman, or I am a woman in tech, or I am a woman who's a mom. I am a woman who is whatever. It's an extension of who you are. But most of us don't see ourselves as, oh, I'm a woman who dates deliciously. We don't, and that's when you know that you're being the work and it's like dancing, you know. You don't become a dancer by taking a course on like taking a, watching video courses on dancing, reading about dancing, watching YouTube videos about dancing. You become a dancer by dancing. Love is the same way. Attracting the kind dancer by dancing Love is the same way. Attracting the kind of men that you want is the same way. You can study it, analyze it, take all the right steps, but until you live it, you'll never feel the true experience of it.
Speaker 1:Dating isn't a theory, but we've been treating it that way. We've been treating it that way Like, oh, yeah. This is when people are like yeah, torah, I listened to all your episodes, but I'm not dating. They're treating dating like a theory. I look at all your Instagram stuff, but I'm not ready to date yet. They're treating it like theory. I mean they're treating dating like a theory, like if they watch Torah enough, if they listen to enough episodes, they're going to get it. That's not how this works. If they listen to enough episodes, they're going to get it. That's not how this works. You're going to be listening to me for years to come and still not improve and still be in the same situation, because that's not how dating works.
Speaker 1:It is not theory. It is something you have to be inside of. It is something that you have to be feeling into. It is something where you need to be trusting yourself and letting it unfold. And when you stop being the work, dating stops feeling like a chore and it starts feeling like a natural expression of who you are as a woman. Dating stops feeling like a burden. Dating stops feeling like a burden. Dating stops feeling overwhelming, dating stops feeling like a distraction and it starts feeling like a part of who you are. So here's how to shift.
Speaker 1:If you've been listening to this and you realizing damn, I've been doing the work. I've been doing, I've been going to therapy, I've been taking the courses, I've been journaling, I've been affirming, but I actually, based upon this podcast, I haven't been living it. So what now? How do I shift Tora? As you know, the first step is not doing more. It's always funny when clients come to the coaching call, they're like Tori, I know you said that I should be more, so what do I need to do to be more? And I'm like, oh, you're missing the point. It's not about doing more. They want more assignments. They're like what assignment? What homework? It's recognizing where you're still not fully showing up, and then showing up. And so I want you to ask yourself these questions when do I catch myself saying I know this already, but my real life behavior doesn't reflect that knowledge?
Speaker 1:I remember my mom, my mom um, coming. One day she visited this new church. I think I was a teenager and she was like I don't want to go to that church, no more. And I was like um, why don't you want to go to that church, mom? And then we were going to two different churches and, um, she was like well, it's because there's there's, they teach milk. They're teaching milk there, and I'm tired of hearing the same messages over and over again. I was like okay, what kind of messages are they teaching over there? And she was like they're talking about joy and just loving your neighbor and I'm like, well, mother, based upon where I'm sitting, I think that there's a lot more like you could be joyful. I don't. I don't really see joy with you, you know. I don't really see where you loving your neighbor. So I think this would be. I think there's some work. Not that she wasn't loving her neighbor at all, but I'm like there's a lot of work and I and during this period of time, me and my mom, we really wasn't on good terms either, so it was even more like hard to hear her talk about that.
Speaker 1:And I'm like you want to go to a more complicated church and it's mainly because you know, when she was married to my dad, like it was a lot of doing of the work, a lot of performative religion. So we knew all the scriptures. I could recite the laws of the Torah. I could recite Exodus 20, the whole chapter. Still to this day, I'm able to spout out scriptures and I'm very well versed. I know all the books of the Bible at the top of my head. I can recite them in any sitting and I'm very good about that because I grew up in very performative religion of knowing things, of having knowledge about the Bible, but not actually a. I've become a new person in Christ. That wasn't the thing. And my parents were not reflective of that new person in Christ. So I't the thing. And my parents were not reflective of that new person in Christ. So I like.
Speaker 1:So we focused on the doing and so because of that, she's like this is milk, because it was a basic lesson. I'm like we need the basic lessons. Why are we trying to figure out what the three headed angel and dragon and revelation represents If we are not really concerned about simple things like loving our neighbors? Like why are we trying to figure out the 12 prophecies in Amos? Like why are we trying to do that?
Speaker 1:And the next question I went on a little tangent there, but getting back, the next question you should ask yourself is do I ever hesitate before expressing what I really feel because I don't want to come off the wrong way? Ask yourself that question because you're focused on doing. If that's the case, do I ever struggle to be vulnerable first, but expect a man to open up to me doing the work? To open up to me doing the work? Do I rewrite texts multiple times before sending them because I want them to come off the right way? Where do I hold back from being fully seen, even though I desire deep connection? So I want you to ask yourself these questions and see if they apply to you. Like, I have tons of questions to ask you, but these are just a few of them that I really want you to you Like, I have tons of questions to ask you, but these are just a few of them that I really want you to consider. And, most importantly, what would it look like if I stop hesitating and stop and start embodying right now?
Speaker 1:Okay, so here's your next step. If you really want to shift into being the work, you can start today, and this doesn't have to be a dramatic shift. You don't need to overhaul everything here overnight, but you do need to start showing up differently in small everyday moments. Right, instead of me giving you more workload to do or listening to another podcast instead of doing that this week. I want you to ask yourself these questions.
Speaker 1:If I trusted that I am already the woman I've been trying to become, how would I behave differently in my next interaction with a man? And I want you to ask yourself this question because so many of us don't trust what we say or think, so we overthink and we don't say anything, we don't express ourselves. We overthink when it comes to a man. But if you trusted that you were already that woman, how would you behave differently? The next question instead of asking what should I say, I want you to shift to asking what do I actually feel? Because so many of us I will have clients come to me with screenshots of conversations that they've had with men and I would say why did you say that? Well, it sounded like the right thing to say no. How did you actually feel? Well, I felt like I wanted to get on the phone. Why didn't you say it? Oh, I felt like this is what I should have done, instead of really feeling into your intuition and your own desire and actually expressing how you actually felt, versus a formula of doing.
Speaker 1:The next question what would it look like if I fully express my thoughts, my emotions, my desires, without fear of how they be received? Would I ask a guy to take me to the brand new restaurant that just came to town? That is a four-star restaurant? Would I ask for that? Would I express that I am feeling super excited to meet this man I've never seen in my life? Would I express that I thought that he was one of the most handsome men I've seen in a very long time? Like would I express that? Would I express that I was disappointed that he didn't call when he said that he was going to call? Or am I just going to respond to his text like nothing happened? I want you to ask yourself this next question If I weren't afraid of being too much, how would I show up differently in my interactions with men?
Speaker 1:Because so many of us we don't want to be seen as too much, and so we tone it down, we ask less questions. I have clients that come and tell me when they learn the art of conversation, they're like oh Tara, what do I say? I'm stuck on what to say. And I'm like why are you stuck? Well, because you know I don't want to rock the boat with him. He says I asked too many questions and he doesn't like those questions. And I'm like so you're going to shrink instead of just go and talk to another man that appreciates your questions. Is that what we're going to do? If we weren't afraid of being too much, how will we show differently? And maybe that's. I'm not talking to this man anymore because he doesn't like my questions.
Speaker 1:Small shifts create real transformation, okay. So I want you to start today. Start now and be the work, because doing the work will never get you the kind of men that you want. You will always be concerned about where are the men that are doing the work? I'm doing the work because you're focused on doing the damn work. That's why they're not showing up, okay, that's why they're not in alignment with you. The men who are being their work they're not in alignment with you because you're doing your work All right. The men who are being their work they're not in alignment with you because you're doing your work All right.
Speaker 1:And if you really want to take this further, and one-to-one coaching, I help you attract emotionally healthy, relationship ready men Instead of you having to wait and hope they'll just show up because you were doing the work. You'll stop worrying about whether emotionally healthy men exist. You'll know exactly how to embody this work in a way that naturally attracts these men, without forcing anything, without chasing anything, without settling for anything, and you'll finally date confidently, knowing the right men will recognize and rise to meet you on your level. I encourage you to book a sales call to connect with me so that we can help you attract emotionally mature, intelligent and available men without the stress of wondering if they even exist. Book a sales call, girl. Stop trying to prepare to be ready and just decide that you already are ready and book the call. Stop overthinking this process. Stop thinking that there's more to do and focus on who do I want to be? And maybe that is a woman who invest in myself this year. Maybe that is a woman who shows up for my love life this year. Maybe that is a woman who has a delicious dating life.
Speaker 1:Who do you want to be in 2025? Decide who you want to be. Book a sales call with me and we'll have a conversation to see if working together is the best. Next step and you can ask me any questions that you want on the call and I will give you a plan of what it would look like to work together, if working together makes sense. So yeah, girl, book your call. The link will be in the show notes or you can go to my Instagram link to book the call, but anywho, all right, girl, I know you enjoyed this episode. Go ahead and leave me a review on the podcast and let me know your thoughts so that people can find us in the algorithm or send me a DM or something. But definitely leave a review on the podcast and if you've already left a review, just shoot me a DM, let me know. And until next time, bye.