Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How Ashlee Went from Building Men Up to Building a Quality Dating Roster (in 3 Months)
Ashlee is three months into our coaching together—and her love life looks completely different.
When we started, she had just left a nine-month relationship where she was building up a man who couldn’t meet her needs. She believed quality men didn’t exist in her city, and she wasn’t sure she was “enough” for the men she actually wanted. Now? She’s dating multiple high-quality men for the first time ever, her confidence is growing, and she’s actually enjoying the dating process.
In this episode, you’ll hear how she overcame spirals, shifted her patterns, and stopped trying to prove her worth to men who weren’t a match. We talk about dating with fibroids, being an introvert learning to be seen, and what it takes to build a roster of men who show up for you without the anxiety.
You’ll also hear the exact moment she realized she could ask for what she wanted—from dinner and bowling to emotional support—and actually receive it.
Work with me to stop dating like a “good girl” and start curating a love life where you get to choose.
Book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me. Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
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Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
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What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the podcast with Tora, all right, so this is another interview with one of my amazing clients and this episode is well, this particular interview is going to be different than my previous interviews with clients. Typically, when I interview clients, they have like we've ended our time working together and they are talking about their transformations, their wins, their accomplishments, their struggles over the full course of us working together. This client interview is going to be different. I'm trying something new because I want to showcase what it looks like to have struggles to win, to accomplish, to have mindset shifts in the middle of your journey, in the middle like what can you reasonably accomplish within three months of coaching with me? Or what could you reasonably do if you were specifically intentional about your dating life, your love life?
Speaker 1:And so this particular client her name is Ashley. She's a healthcare professional in the Birmingham Alabama area, 37 years old, and when she came to me she was just getting out of a nine month relationship where she was kind of carrying the relationship. She's more. She was the more stable one. He was the person who she had to kind of like lift up, encourage, kind of tell what to do in order for him to get on board, and she had a pattern of attracting men who were not on her level on board, and she had a pattern of attracting men who were not on her level. Currently now she has a roster of high quality men who we refer to as beautiful chocolate drops, who are athletic, who are intelligent, who are highly educated I think two of them have PhDs and that's who she's dating now, and that's three months of us working together, three months of us working together, and so I would like to share insights from her, her challenges, the ups and downs and what she's looking forward to as we continue to coach together.
Speaker 1:So, without further ado, here's the episode. I'm so happy that I am introducing my client, that I am introducing my client, ashley, to the podcast. This is something that I am really excited about doing, because this is my first time having a client come in like mid-journey. We're just three months in, right.
Speaker 2:Ashley, right, it's pretty early on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's three months in, but I really wanted to do this because I wanted people to see what it looks like, or what it feels like, to be mid-journey, mid-transformation when doing this work. So tell the audience briefly who you are and where you live.
Speaker 2:My name is Ashley. I was born and raised in Birmingham, alabama, so that's where I am now. I am a girl that likes sports and I like to be outside, and I like roughhousing with my nieces and nephews and just enjoying life, traveling everything.
Speaker 1:How old are you?
Speaker 2:by the way, 37.
Speaker 1:Oh, actually I didn't know that. Yeah, you look so old. Okay, I need to drink the water that you drank, but anyhow, you look real good. I want to start off with how we always start off on this podcast the three words that currently describe your love life mid-journey.
Speaker 2:Okay, my three words are first one is refreshing, second one is clarifying and the third one is lively.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, I want to know what's refreshing. Why is it refreshing right now?
Speaker 2:Um, it is refreshing to for me. Learning is a just a big thing for me, and so just to be learning something new in the dating aspect is is refreshing for me. It's it, it excites me and it, you know, keeps me on my toes and everything. So I'm glad to be learning everything that I am from you. I'm clarifying what I want, I'm clarifying what I don't want, I'm clarifying certain things to look for in the dating apps in the wild. You know, in the dating apps in the wild, everything like that and lively is because I'm going out on dates that I actually enjoy and that I'm excited to, you know, meet these guys and you know, be in a space with them and just have those one-on-ones, and so it's. I mean, those are pretty three, three pretty accurate words for me.
Speaker 1:OK, all right. So I want to go back to the clarifying piece of you saying that you're learning what you want and learning what you don't want. Can you tell me a little bit more about that? I don't think you and I have had like a conversation specifically around that.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, let's have the conversation now. Yeah, we, we haven't. As far as what I want, I know that I want a guy that is in the gym and you can tell that he's in the gym, because I'm in the gym, you know, three to four or five days a week and I want, I want to have gym dates. I want to, you know, get fit together. I want to have gym dates. I want to get fit together. I want a guy that loves God, has a relationship with God. We can pray together. He prays for me, I pray for him. That's a big thing for me to go on that type of journey together. I want a guy that respects women, that actually you can tell he actually likes and respects women. That's a big thing, because I feel like a lot of women get with men who they don't realize. You know he doesn't really like women. He may like you a little bit, but he doesn't really like women. So those are big, big things for me.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right, I just want a little bit clear. I'm like, hold on, I want to have more of a conversation about that. So let's go back to because I want to talk about where you're at mid journey and like what you're experiencing right now. But first I want to talk about like when we first connected. First I want to talk about like when we first connected, you were coming out of a relationship around Labor Day, I believe. So can you tell more about like? What led to that ending?
Speaker 2:um, what really led to that ending was it should have been, it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but, um, it was really. It came to a head where it really showed where we wanted different things out of life and we were in different spaces in life. So that, pretty much, it just came to a head at some point and, you know, a disagreement kind of led to the breakup and I mean, it wasn't a bad thing for me honestly. So yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how long was the relationship? Nine months, nine months. And I know that you mentioned that you spent time building this man up right, helping him find a job, helping him dress better, but didn't really feel like you were getting a lot in return, right. Can you tell us more about that and that experience?
Speaker 2:Well, I mean to sum it up, I just wasn't honoring myself. I was being Barbara the Builder, not Barbara Barbara the Builder, not Barbara Barbara the Builder. You know, he came from a space where he just wasn't used to, I guess, having a professional life. He was just kind of, you know, floating his way through life versus being serious about things, like I'm serious about things. So, you know, I tried to mold him into somebody that I wanted, versus seeing him for who he was, and I mean that was kind of doing both of us a disservice because it made him uncomfortable, made me uncomfortable, but you know, it was something that I was trying to force, which I definitely should not have been.
Speaker 1:And in that process. So y'all were together for nine months and was this a common pattern for you to meet men that were not quote, unquote on your level so to say, yeah, for sure it was Okay, okay.
Speaker 2:All right. So before him, like, what did that look like? Before him it meant, I guess, dating people that you know financially weren't on my level. Education wise, intelligence wise, lifestyle wise, it's just all of the things. Just, just none of it was was matching up, but I had this scarcity mindset that you know, I got to make this work for some reason.
Speaker 1:So, before we connected and before we started coaching together, what do you think that you believe was preventing you from meeting the like, the kinds of men that were on your level, the quality men that you actually liked and you were excited about dating?
Speaker 2:I think, on some level I probably believe that I wasn't good enough for those type of guys, the successful guys that I would be attracted to, guys that I will be attracted to. I think, you know, it was a confidence thing and it was also a scarcity mindset thing, like for me it was like those guys are taken, those guys are married, they, you know they won't like me, you know, whatever it was. So I mean it was a few different factors.
Speaker 1:Hmm, I think there was also, well, not, I think I remember there was a time when you got in your head a little bit. I think within the end of the first month of our coaching, I believe, you sent me a message and you were just like look, I'm getting in my head, which I love. It's about really showing where you're at on the mat versus just trying to do the homework and checking out the boxes. You were like Tor, I'm in my head. I feel like there's not a lot of quality men in my, I think you said in your city or your state, In my city, In Birmingham, Because you live in Birmingham. Right, you were like what do you think led to that moment where you were just like look, I don't even think the man here tore up?
Speaker 2:So I think it was. So this was the beginning of us working together. And I'm thinking you know, I've fixed my profile, I've done this, I've done, you know, these different things that that tour told me to do, and I'm still not seeing who I want my profile. I've done this, I've done these different things that Tor told me to do, and I'm still not seeing who I want to see. I'm not finding this person. I'm not finding these men. Where are they? And so I got frustrated. I got really, really frustrated and I just, and I just, you know, I spiraled, and when I spiral like that, I try to dig myself out by myself. You know, I live in my head a lot, so I try to dig myself out first. But then, you know, I tried to dig in and I wasn't seeing any daylight, so I was like, let me send, let me send her a message and get some, get some clarification. Let me get off the ledge so I can come off the ledge.
Speaker 1:I'm like that's what you pay for, like I don't understand why clients try to figure this stuff out by themselves, why they want to show up perfect and have it figured out. I'm like I am here for to help you when you do spiral out.
Speaker 2:So what changed for you? To where it's like, ok, I went from spiraling and now I'm actually meeting men that I want A lot of. It was just reframing my mindset and you talking to me and we actually went through. We did, did a couple different swipe sessions and then you sharing your own journey, you were like I rarely see guys that I swipe right on. It could be days before I see anybody. And I'm like, okay, well, you know she's in Dallas, so you know it's it that makes a huge difference because I'm I'm in a mid-sized city and she's in a metro metroplex. So you know, I was like, okay, well, that makes me, that makes me feel better. Just just, really just you sharing that and you taking the time to do that swipe session with me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love doing swipe sessions and the swipe session that we did together.
Speaker 1:I'm like, okay, she's spiraling and I need her to understand that everything that she's experiencing right now is a normal part of the journey, is a normal part of the process. And then also creating different expectations, because one of the reasons why we burn out when it comes to dating or we want to quit is because our expectations are different than what we should probably be expecting. So that's why I'm sharing, like when I get on the dating apps, nine, five, 99 point, percent, point, percent of these people that I see online I don't want to talk to. I do not think they meet my standards, I don't meet. I don't think that they are on the level that I would like them to be and it can take. I'm like I can be on there for days and I not make that a problem that I don't meet anybody, because when I actually do match with the right people, they are incredible, and so you ended up matching with men that were more in alignment with what you wanted to see. Tell us more about that.
Speaker 2:So it's been some cycles. You know it's been some shuffling around and everything like that, but I did. I guess, starting in January and on into February, you know I started meeting guys that you know I was attracted to, that I was excited to go out with. We had dates that I really, really enjoyed and you know those connections didn't last but part of I recognize that as part of the process versus, you know, focusing on the end result. So you know it's just yeah, so it's just been a lot of shuffling.
Speaker 1:When you say shuffling, tell me more about that.
Speaker 2:Um, just, you know you meet guys and y'all go on a couple of dates and you know it just may not. You know it may not be, you know quite a match, but you know it's, it's it's. You've had fun and you know we made a connection and you know it just lasted for a short time. So you know that's it's. You know you got to keep a pair in despair.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that you shared that, because typically, what the expectation is is I get on the apps, I find a guy that I like and the expectation is we go the distance. We go the distance and we date for a while and then we end up in an exclusive relationship and then we're going to move towards engagement. Does that happen for some people? Yes, absolutely, but typically, when I'm working with you guys, the goal is never even to end up with the first man that you are attracted to that is on your level, because, number one, you are still in the process of figuring out what you like and what you don't like, and if you're so used to dating men that are not on your level, or dating men that you are not excited about, or dating men that you have to carry, you can be super excited about one man that fits your categories that you think he's the one not realizing. You're still fleshing out your core values, you're still fleshing out your standards, you're still cleaning up your patterns, right, these are things that you're still absolutely doing, and so, choosing the first man or expecting that to work out, I often do not. I typically am always like please stay open, please stay open. You can choose him if you want, but let's, please stay open.
Speaker 1:And then number two when you clean your pattern up, the patterns that have been keeping you to like dating the types of men that you were dating or meeting the kinds of men that you were meeting when you clean those patterns up, the men get better and better and better. And I'm always like please trust me here. I know you think he's it, but you're going to meet somebody much better than him. It's good, it's going to be amazing and if you trust me, I'm going to meet somebody much better than him. It's good, it's going to be amazing and if you trust me, I'm going to get you there. We're going to get there together.
Speaker 1:And that reminds me of when you first met a guy you were excited about on the apps and you showed me the screenshot, so the screen recordings of it all, and I'm like I know you're excited, but I'm seeing some red flags here of your pattern. Then he's a great guy, but your pattern has been caretaker, has been Barbara the builder, right, and if you choose this man, I'm saying he's a. He's a high risk at at proving that pattern to you. Can you tell us more about that experience and what happened with that and what you learned.
Speaker 2:If I remember correctly, it was somebody that had just moved to Okay.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Okay, so yeah, um, so he was, you know, really nice guy, attractive and everything like that, um, a lot of the personality traits that I look for he had. But he had just moved here and so he was just settling in new job, new place, everything and so, you know, our connection ended up flaming out because he was overwhelmed with a new job and moving here and everything like that, so he just didn't feel like he had time for dating. And I understood that as a human, you got to humanize people. We all get overwhelmed, for whatever reason, and so that was a lesson, but I still have fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. What was? What was the lesson for you, as we're like monitoring patterns here.
Speaker 2:Don't try to avoid people who are, I feel like, in a transition period or, you know, have not settled into where they'd like to be, because there's always going to be something more important, I feel like to you, right, because these lessons aren't going to apply to every single woman.
Speaker 1:I'd say the bigger lesson here is keep my attention on my pattern and my choices, that I'm more likely to end up in a particular situation based upon certain patterns that I get into or certain choices that I make. That I get into or certain choices that I make, and a man in transition isn't always going to be an issue for women just in general, but in terms of like you and like the pattern of meeting men that were not able to meet you, where you were, a man in transition was a flag. He might not have been a flag to someone else, but a flag for you and that pattern, and so, because of that, we are going to try to avoid those types of positions where men can't show up for you at that time. Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for sharing that. So how did you so? Previously, we felt a way about the quality of men in Birmingham. How has that perspective changed for you as you've been meeting men in Birmingham?
Speaker 2:It. With the reframing that I've done with that, with that work that I've done, it's, it's improved a lot. It is, I feel like a lot of those men may not be on the app, so that's where we started transitioning to going out in the wild, um, and so I feel like, you know, there there are people, there are eligible men, high quality men, in my city that are single. There are eligible men, high quality men, in my city that are single. And you know, I just got to get out there and you know, you know, present myself to the world. That's that's how I feel about that. That's. I mean, it's, it's gotten better. I feel a lot better about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, speaking of putting yourself out there. So you and I, we have a dual strategy online strategy that we're implementing right now, where we were able to upgrade your profile to meet men. So you've met men and you've gotten dates from that. And then we also have a we've started an in-person strategy as well, so we move on and off based upon your work schedule. And recently you got the challenge of smiling and waving at a hundred men and when we talked, you were like I did 76. I smiled and waved at 76. So you just completed the challenge. What did you learn? Because that's really impressive, by the way. What did you learn from the experience?
Speaker 2:I learned that it's not as scary as it sounds. A hundred men, it sounds daunting. When you first said it I had a little alarm bell go off in my head but I was like I'm going to do it anyway. And so and I also learned like it's it's not. It's not a scary thing to be seen. My mom even said recently she was like you're not that little girl that used to shrink back anymore. So it's I've. I've grown a lot in that respect to where I'm okay being seen and I want to be seen, wow, wow.
Speaker 1:I remember us being on a call and we talked about you smiling and waving. I was like, hey, so did you do your smile and wave?
Speaker 1:You're like, yeah, I'm like oh, because typically I get a lot of pushback the first week. They're like Tora, I ain't smiling and waving at nobody. Okay, I smiled and waved at three people, I'm prepared for that. And you were like, oh, I did 76. I was like, oh, wow, okay, and you mentioned no-transcript. So can you explain what that means for you, wanting to be seen as someone who is self-proclaimed as an introvert?
Speaker 2:So in my career I've grown a lot in that respect, because I have to be more extroverted, or at least I have to fake it, and so I get to talk to all sorts of people and everything like that, and so I have to be seen in those, you know, in those one-on-one situations, but even more now in group situations. I like to be seen Like I want people to know I'm there and I feel like people notice me more now. So that's, that's a big, that's a big thing for me, that's a big point of growth for me.
Speaker 1:So, when it comes to smiling and waving, which sounds very, very simple, but it can take some vulnerability, like we smile, smiling is one thing, like people love to smile, but the waving is the vulnerable piece that's added to it. And so, like what you taking on that exercise, what would you say to women who feel nervous about making these small connections with strangers?
Speaker 2:I would say don't have any expectations for how they may respond. Some people may look at you in a weird way, some people may somebody's going to wave back. You know, I was walking in the hospital because I usually walk on my breaks, and I was doing the smile and wave and I walked by a guy. He was a younger guy and I, you know, smiled and waved at him and like he, just he was like. I was like oh, that's like. That's that surprised me because it was he had a big reaction to it. You know, I just kept walking but you know he had a big reaction to it. I was to say, don't have expectations, but just just do it and you know, don't get your feelings hurt if you know somebody doesn't respond the way you want them to respond or anything like that.
Speaker 1:OK, all right. So I want to move forward to talk about three months in to your journey of us working together and like your current dating process. So you started dating who we call a beautiful chocolate man, who was thoughtful, he was consistent in how he was showing up and he was somebody who you could actually see yourself talking to or wanting to create a serious relationship, or wanting to create a serious relationship. How does that connection feel different from your previous connections of the men that you had been entertaining?
Speaker 2:It just felt like he was intentional. You know he was calling. He was, you know, asking about. You know how I like to communicate, whether that was a text or you know phone call, video chats. He was you know planning dates. If he would ask me, you know when are you free, ok, I'll start planning. I would tell him he'd be like, ok, I'll start planning something. So just that intentionality meant a lot to me.
Speaker 1:And I, speaking of intentionality, he had been very intentional about showing up for you in the kinds of dates you guys were going on. So I know, for Valentine's day was, yeah, Valentine's day. You had a really good Valentine's day and it mainly centered around, like you, being able to ask for what you want, and I think you mentioned like you had never asked for what you want before on a day before. Is that correct, right? All right, so you got a little froggy for Valentine's day. You asked him specifically for what do you want and he made it happen for you. Can you got a little froggy for Valentine's Day? You asked him specifically for what do you want and he made it happen for you. Can you tell me more about that?
Speaker 2:Yes, I made the leap. I told him about a new restaurant that had just opened here and, you know, I told him that I wanted to go there for that week, you know, the weekend after Valentine's Day, and he, he's the person that likes to make reservations, but they didn't have any reservations available for the weekend after Valentine's Day. He's the person that likes to make reservations, but they didn't have any reservations available. We went anyway. We were able to at least sit at the bar and enjoy. Then I told him I wanted to go bowling. We went bowling and I beat him in two games. Uh, uh. So, yeah, that's, those are the two things that I wanted to do and I got those things.
Speaker 1:And how did it feel to finally make a direct request that you absolutely didn't need, but you simply desired you absolutely didn't need, but you simply desired it.
Speaker 2:I mean, it just felt empowering. I was grateful that you know he was like OK, like let's do it. You know I was happy.
Speaker 1:He made me really happy and I know that your mom, she had a reaction to it. I think you shared the circumstance with your mother and your mother has always been your biggest cheerleader. But, like, what was her response? Well, her response to that was and you can, and you can share with us what the response was.
Speaker 2:Her response was you know, you can't just go around just asking people for things. You know that was. That was mainly it. She was like why you know you can't just be asking people for stuff like these. You know, quote unquote extravagant things. I'm like how is bowling and dinner extravagant? You know it was, it was a nice thing, it was nice. You know, it felt, I felt special, but I don't think that was extravagant. But you know she, she's the type that you know she gets mad at my dad if he doesn't read her mind. And you know, give her exactly what she wants. And I'm like well, did you tell him what you wanted? No, so that was.
Speaker 1:That's the difference, then you know then you know and I think it's really, really important for the listeners to hear this, because so many of them also have mothers who feel the same way and it also explains why we grow up to be over givers or why we grow up to not expect things from men or not request things from men. It's because we've been conditioned not to ask. Our mothers have done the best that they can with what they had, right. Their mothers did the best that they could with what they had, and so they are in a position where they're surviving womanhood in a way that we don't have to anymore. We can actually thrive in womanhood. We can actually choose differently. We can actually expect more from men because we have a lot more rights, right, a lot more rights, and specifically in the Western hemisphere, right.
Speaker 1:Some of you guys listening may not live in in the West, where we're able to be able to express ourselves the way we're expressed. So if you're currently listening from a country that does not allow you to do so, keep that in mind. But that's where we get a lot of our good girl syndrome, from our good girl, our good girl lens, where we don't ask for what we want. We just expect men to read our minds, because it's really really scary for us to say I want this and I'm worth it. I want this and it's not too much. I want this and it's exactly what I want to experience. I don't need it, I simply want it. And I remember us having a conversation about your mom and her being on your dream team and I'm like your mom is your biggest cheerleader, let's just make her our cheerleader on the dream team. And how did how did that go? How did that conversation go around you communicating to your mother about how you want to date and then how she can help you date in the process.
Speaker 2:I think the the conversation did go really well with her. You know I kind of explained to her what I needed from her, you know as a cheerleader and as somebody in my support system. And so she, you know she kind of raised her concerns in a respectful way. But because you know I'm her daughter, you know she's going to tell me when she feels like something's not right and I can respect that and you know I'm grateful for that, because moms usually know You're a mother and you know. So you know, but you know I just let her know. You know you can let me make mistakes sometimes as well. It's going to happen, I'm going to get hurt. You know there's, there's things that's going to happen and I know you don't want that, but you know it's, it's a part of the process. And so she, she took things really well and she still she. Now I got off the phone with her like a couple hours ago. She was like is there somewhere I can live stream the podcast? Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:She's going to be listening.
Speaker 2:Yeah, she's going to listen Hi. Mom, hey, Mommy, don't be mad at me. Hi, Mom, You're such a great cheerleader. She is, she is, she's a fan of everything that I do. So you know, I really, really appreciate her and you know she's being a cheerleader she really is. She wants to know all the deets. So, yeah, she's great.
Speaker 1:I love that so much for you. Yeah, our moms, they're there to cheer us on. I sometimes go on my Instagram and I see this slew of likes, likes, likes, likes, likes, likes, likes, and I'm like that's my mom. My mom is over there liking everything, like my mom telling me and she's just like. I just live vicariously through you because I've never had a man like treat me that way or show up for me that way, and so it feels really good to watch you be loved like that or watch how you date and experience that. And so I love the fact that, even though our mothers did the best that they could Right Like, we get to be their legacy. Yeah, I love the fact that, even though our mothers did the best that they could right Like, we get to be their legacy and what they've created through us, we get to be their legacy and break any shackles that they had on themselves and that they acknowledge that they had, and we can do differently.
Speaker 1:So thank you, moms, for bringing us into this world and showing you what you could and like we're taking the torch and we're like we're. I hope you know, cause I don't have a daughter. But you know, I would like to have a daughter one day. Right, I would hope that she would be better than me, yeah, that's what you want.
Speaker 2:You want the next generation.
Speaker 1:I would hope she bypassed me and I could be on her social media Like, like, like like oh my gosh, I never got to that point as a dating coach.
Speaker 2:Oh, my gosh oh.
Speaker 1:I love what you're doing for your life, little girl. But yeah, so I know. So we didn't have a session last week. I know your schedule was kind of crazy, but you sent me a a telegram message letting me know what those updates are. Can you share the updates here on the podcast and I don't know where they stand now, because it's been a? Few days since you sent the telegram.
Speaker 2:But yeah, anything can happen right a day, miss a lot. So I think I told you I started Kickball last week, met some good people, had some good conversation with new men and everything like that. Superstar at Kickball, by the way, okay, got MVP and everything like that. What, yeah, I got MVP. By the way, um, okay, I got mvp and everything like that. What, yeah, I got mvp. So I mean, and that was just a lot of fun. That was another part of me coming out of my shell and being seen and letting people know I'm athletic and everything like that, because you know, I made some plays that people were like whoa, what did you like? Yeah, so that was a lot of fun. Um, I had two dates last week. Uh, both were great. Both want to see me again and I want to see them again for sure both were great, so we got quality men on deck.
Speaker 1:Is this your first time dating multiple men, multiple quality men or multiple men period?
Speaker 2:I would say multiple quality men.
Speaker 1:Okay, this is your first time dating multiple quality men, so you have a roster. How does it feel to have a roster of quality men?
Speaker 2:Again, I feel empowered, I feel like I have the, I have the choice. I feel like I'm the son you know, period.
Speaker 1:Of course you are, Ashley. Of course you are. You're absolutely the son and I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so proud of you. Again, we're three months in. Imagine what it's going to look like after the end of our time together, of what you're going to do here and Kickball shout out to you joining the Kickball League. I think it's like 19 leagues.
Speaker 2:Yeah it's. I think it's like 500 people and it's a lot of guys out there.
Speaker 1:And it's a lot of guys out there, okay. Okay, thank you for sharing that. So you're community building, you're really putting yourself out there. You're dating quality men. They want to see you again. Of course they do. So let's talk about what aspects of dating are you still finding challenging?
Speaker 2:We're only three months in. I'm still having to battle those limiting beliefs. We talked some, you know, about my health and you know dating with fibroids and how that you know kind of affects my timeline and everything like that. But I decided, you know that. But I decided I can't make that push me to bad decisions. Oh man, yes, yeah. So yeah, the limiting beliefs and fighting those is still a challenge. It gets a little bit easier every week but it's still a challenge and I feel like dating has been easier on my nervous system now, you know, because it used to be really hard on my nervous system having an anxious attachment.
Speaker 1:OK, I remember it like. So. Not only did you have the fibroids that threaten your fertility, and I will have clients that come and say, look, I'm on a clock, I'm on a clock, I don't got that many eggs, I don't got this, I got that. And then they think they have to rush in order to find a partner. But rushing never helps you get who you want, right. And so, yeah, talk, let's talk a little bit about you with the fibroids and the fertility and those limited beliefs and like even your low iron and how that may like how you dealing with being tired and trying to date at the same time with, like, low iron Because I know that was a big deal as well, because I know some women have chronic illnesses. They're listening to this episode Like how can I date when I have this? Or like, how do I date properly if I'm rushing because I want to have a baby? Yeah, let's talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think that was part of my spiraling. So it was a lot of things, a lot of different things. At one time that had happened and so I had gotten my my doctor wanted to do another surgery on me to help preserve my fertility. And I'm like, oh, you know, if I do another surgery and then they'll probably just grow back, you know, a year or two later after that, and so that definitely added on to my anxiety and how I was feeling at the time.
Speaker 2:And I remember on a podcast you talked about swiping when you're in a good headspace, and so when I was swiping, I wasn't in a good headspace. Then, hearing about the fibroids, and then those different factors, I just wasn't in a good headspace. And you know those different factors, I just wasn't in a good headspace. And then my being tired as I'll get out, it just added to my anxiety. So that that's been, you know, difficult. That's been a challenge, for sure, but it's also. I have to focus on my health first, like I can't be with somebody else and, you know, have those different things lingering in the background, because it's that's just gonna, you know, just, it's not gonna be a good situation, good situation. So I'm still battling through that, trying to make different decisions, but I'm taking it as I can. I'm usually a high energy person anyway I don't present that way but I have four jobs and I'm always doing something, so I just take it as I can, as life goes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and we're definitely working on navigating those challenges and continuing to date at the same time. Continue to date at the same time. You mentioned that dating being good on your nervous system versus it used to not be. What makes dating good on your nervous system now? Because a lot of people are like I don't want to date because I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to date because I don't want to be overwhelmed, I'm focusing on my business, I'm focusing on my job. How is dating good on your nervous system at this time?
Speaker 2:It's been a lot better on my nervous system because of I feel like how I'm choosing and I'm not focusing on the end of the journey, I'm just going through the process. And even my therapist she made a point to say that to me she was like I just see a big difference in you and in your, your mindset and how you think about things and how you react to different situations. So I just I haven't had the level of stress that I've had in the past few years. In the past few months. It's been so much better.
Speaker 1:What do you think has been, I guess, like a tool or how you've been able to have dating? Be good on your nervous system, y'all. I hope I'm asking this question right for her, because I'm like, what kind of question is that? I hope I'm answering it. Did that question make?
Speaker 2:sense to you, Ashley.
Speaker 1:So you're saying a tool, something specific, or well, it doesn't have to be something specific, but what makes dating good on your nervous system? Why does it feel better for you?
Speaker 2:I just feel like it's the men that I've been interacting with have been so much better on my nervous system and, honestly, with therapy and your podcast and just different tools that I take away from all those different things, it helps me to reframe things. So a lot of people get stressed if they don't get a text back within an hour or two. I'm not worried about that anymore. That used to be a thing for me, but I don't worry about that anymore because you got to humanize people. People get busy, people have jobs.
Speaker 1:I don't want a man that's available all the time, so it's just it goes back to just reframing and just focusing on the process and the journey versus the end of what I want. Yeah, I love that so good. So back to. We've been talking about your dating results, your growth, how you shifted the types of men that you're attracting, but let's rewind a little bit and let's let's even start with the reasons why you wanted to work together in the first place, Like what was going through your mind when you were like, okay, I'm going to book the sales call. Um, I'm done, I'm I'm done, I'm just ready to do this.
Speaker 2:Okay, so like your mom, I you know I was I was on your, on your page and I followed your. I followed your work for at least a few years now.
Speaker 1:And never talked to me. But anyhow, go ahead. You're right Lurking. You're right Never saying anything to me, but go ahead.
Speaker 2:I lurk, I lurk a lot and I worked with another dating coach and you know that was cool, that that taught me some things. But also listening to your podcast and seeing the results that other women got from you or with you, with working with you, that made me really be like okay, after a few years I felt like I had done my research to make the investment. So I, before I even got on the sales call, I was like I already know I'm going to work with her. So so you know, I decided like this year well, I had decided in 24 too, but really 25, I was like this is the year I'm like really going to get like for real, for real about dating with a purpose and meeting quality men. So that was that was what made me work with you.
Speaker 1:Okay, what about me? Cause I know you said you worked with another dating coach, meeting quality men. So that was, that was what made me work with you. Okay, what about me? Cause I know you said you worked with another dating coach. What about me?
Speaker 2:You were like okay, she's going to be somebody that I want to work with next. Um, just seeing your content, and you know, not only did you share your wins and you know you shared the great things, but you also shared the real things that happened in your life. You know your divorce and you know other things that happened. You shared those different things and I really, really respected that and I really appreciated that the fact that you shared those different aspects Because a lot of people only share the glitz and the glamour. They don't share the dark days, and so I appreciate that you really humanized your content.
Speaker 1:I actually didn't even know you work with a dating coach. What happened with that? Cause I'm like I'm thinking that I was the first person you work with with, like how we came together, but like what happened with that? Or like, yeah, yeah, what happened with that?
Speaker 2:Um, so it was like a, it was a group thing. Um, it wasn't a big group that we worked with. It was like like I think it was me and like two or three other women, but it just it just didn't. It just didn't hit with me, it didn't I don't know, it didn't really sit well with me. I didn't really feel like I transformed or anything working with her.
Speaker 1:What's that mean? What was the disconnect?
Speaker 2:Looking back now and just kind of comparing, like how you told me to, I guess, curate my, my dating profiles, and what different things to look for, I don't feel like I got that with the other dating coach. I don't feel like things were really personalized for me. In particular, when I'm working one-on-one with you, everything is personalized. I feel like you're talking exactly to me versus you know, a group of women. The advice was a little bit more general than personalized, I would say.
Speaker 1:Well, I definitely am talking to you directly. It's just you and I. Yeah, you were like it's like you're talking to me. I'm like girl, I'm talking to you. Yeah, you're talking to me, but it's just you and I. Yeah, you were like it's like you're talking to me, I'm like girl, I'm talking to you yeah, you're talking to me but, it's not general advice.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean it's.
Speaker 1:It's it's personalized for me, for my personality, like even if we like, even if we were one-to-one, it doesn't mean that the advice would be personalized. Is what you're saying?
Speaker 2:Yeah, cause even when we were doing the swipe session and you would see a guy you'd be like I don't think that's your speed.
Speaker 1:I'm like hell. No, Actually, I don't think that's your speed Right Exactly, I know, I know you.
Speaker 2:I don't think that's your speed Exactly, See and you know she wouldn't have been able to really do that with the way that she worked with me.
Speaker 1:So that's what I'm saying Got you, got you, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, one of the things I love, I love coaching and one of the things I do I I, throughout my day, I think about all of my clients. Like I sit there and I think about the things that we've talked about our coaching calls, who they are as people, what they're going through during the week, and I'm like, okay, how can I help her for the upcoming week? Or like what's going to matter to her, and so I think that's like really helpful for me to think about y'all outside of the calls. When I come, I'm like I got this for you, or this is what we're going to do. Or like, yeah, he's not your speed, yeah, it's not just me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the fact that you do that it's a big yeah.
Speaker 1:It matters to me and I love when y'all come with, come to me with problems, because I'm always creating new things because of what you bought to me, so thank you for that as well. Um, speaking of expectations, and like you had a dating coach previously, so thank you for that as well. Speaking of expectations and like you had a dating coach previously, so what were your expectations when we first start working together?
Speaker 2:I feel like we discussed that I wanted to enjoy dating. I wanted to, to be excited, to go on dates. I wanted to get dressed up and get cute and, you know, dance in the mirror and everything like that. But before I don't feel like I didn't, I didn't feel that way, like I wasn't, like I was just kind of going on dates just because it felt like I had something I had to do in order to to, to, you know, find that relationship.
Speaker 1:So Did you have any doubts about whether coaching would work for you, especially considering you already had a experience there?
Speaker 2:I did have some limiting beliefs in the beginning, for sure, you know, full honesty, I did, yeah. But I'm like, I'm a person. I invest in myself, I invest in, you know, mentorships and everything like that. So like, why not I?
Speaker 1:ask because you know you'd be having a poker face. So I don't be knowing. And so I'm like I'm really happy, Like I don't know if I actually have to tell me because she got a poker face. So you sharing it, you had doubts, like thank you for sharing that with me. People, that's a it's a normal thing to have doubts because you're you're investing thousands of dollars. And what if I invest this money and I don't get what was promised to me? I didn't get what I came to get. Now that we're three months in and we have so many more months to go together, how are you feeling now about the doubts or your investment?
Speaker 2:I mean, I'm feeling good about the investment, I'm feeling confident, I feel liberated from the anxiety of dating because I know like all I have to do is come to you and you know you'll be like OK, well, that's easy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're going to straighten it out Like that's not a problem. You take the guesswork out of it. Speaking of guesswork, there are so many people, or so many women, who may be listening to this and they're like, ok, well, that worked for Ashley, but I don't know if that will work for me, and like what would you like to share with them if they're feeling that way?
Speaker 2:I would say she's going to get to know you, tori's going to get to know you and she's going to tell you the truth about yourself and she's going to observe, and she's done this for so many different types of women. So I don't see why you know why there's one particular type of person that she wouldn't be able to help. But you know, I feel like, just book the sales call and she can tell you whether or not you know you're ready. So that's, I mean, that's the biggest thing. Book the sales call, it's free.
Speaker 1:Right, it's free. They're like, oh, I can't do the sales, just come, just book the sales call. It's going to free consultation, free 99, and get on it and it's a no, it's a no pressure situation like how did your sales call feel? Like how did that feel for you to be on the sales call?
Speaker 2:I didn't feel any pressure at all. I already knew I wanted to work with you, so I was like take my money.
Speaker 1:I think our sales call ain't even last the whole hour, like I think. Then you're like, look, I'm ready to go, like you gave me short answers after answers. Like I don't even know why you're asking me all these questions, because I don't care about none of that. I just want to work my mind. Let's get to work, and that's what. Yeah, we're doing it, though. Um, so what's what's next for you? Cause we still working at. Normally, when I say this, the client is gone, like we done wrapped up services, but me and you going to keep working together.
Speaker 1:So like what's next for you, and I like what is your most urgent thing that we are going to be working on over the next couple of months. You feel like now that you're attracting quality men and going on dates and your anxiety is down um still building roster quality guys, um meeting people.
Speaker 2:I I would love to start meeting more people um in person, you know, versus the apps, uh. So those are two of my biggest goals and, of course, moving towards betting Getting up, oh, betting.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I'm really excited. We're going to have an amazing next couple of months. So, yeah, let's get into it. You've been doing great with in-person work. You've been doing great with online work and I'm super excited to see the transformation at the end of our time together and what kinds of men that you will be pulling, because I'm telling you they get better. Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:So I'm excited that you were able to come out and spend time with us, ashley. We have a session scheduled this week. Yes, okay, well, look, we got, we got. We got some things to talk about on there. So, yes, thank you for coming out and talking to the ladies, and if there was one thing you would want them to know before we hop off, what would you want them to know?
Speaker 2:I would say it's not. If you do decide to work with Tora, it's not going to be a quick fix. There's going to be some ups and some downs, but you're going to reach where you want to be for sure she's going to leave you better than she found you for sure.
Speaker 1:Thank you, ashley, you're welcome. Bye guys, all right, lover girl, that was the episode I am so excited for Ashley. She came to me intentional, ready to do the work, committed to doing the work, even when she started spiraling, even when she had scarcity thoughts. We were able to shift her from limitation able to shift her from limitation, scarcity, overwhelm, into creation, abundance and eventually getting results. And there may be more times where she spirals, there may be more times when she gets in her head, but the reason why we're working together is so she consistently has the ability to come back from that quickly or she has the ability to work her way away from that to consistently get the results that she desires. And so I have no doubt in my mind, after Ashley and I wrap things up, she's going to be a freaking monster and she's going to consistently be attracting amazing men, like if there's no relationship or vetting towards exclusivity, before the time that we stop working together. She's definitely going to have a skill set that will never be a problem for her. So I'm very excited for her and I'm also excited for you, because you finna book a sales call. You should book a sales call, girl.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to help you this year. I'm excited for your 2025. I'm excited for you looking up going into 2026, knowing that you have everything that you need in order to have what you want, that you're able to attract the kinds of men that you desire anytime you want, so that you can move into a relationship whenever you want. I want to ease the anxiety from your love life. I want to make dating a place of freedom and in, like you, being able to enjoy, versus a place that feels like distraction, and I want for you to be able to finally regularly attract high quality men who serve and support you, even if you live in a town where you haven't seen that before. Okay, so if you're interested in that, go ahead and book a sales call. Do not delay and let's start this journey together. All right, bye.