Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How to Flirt Like a Grown Woman (So Men Actually Respond and Pursue)
If flirting feels uncomfortable, confusing, or like something other women are just better at—it’s probably because you’ve been taught to either play it cool or over-perform to get a man’s attention.
In this episode, I’m breaking down exactly how to flirt in a way that’s honest, direct, and clear—without feeling fake or doing the most. You’ll learn the Confident Flirting Formula I teach my private clients, and why your friendly energy isn’t creating the romantic momentum you want. I’ll walk you through what to say, how to say it, and how to stop censoring yourself when you feel interest.
You’ll learn how to express attraction in real life and over text—so men actually feel it, respond to it, and follow up after the date.
If you’re ready to stop being scared of saying the wrong thing—and start getting the attention, dates, and consistency you actually want, book a sales call HERE to speak with me about 1:1 coaching.
Book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me. Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Learn how to use your words to attract better men & create better dating experiences - The Conversations that Inspire Commitment Live Virtual Workshop
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Learn the basics behind attracting quality men and what it takes to build a rotation. - The Cuffing Season Retreat Bundle.
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@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. I am so excited about this episode because I've been getting a few nudges here and there, having conversations with clients, having conversations in my DMs about flirting, and I've been getting some nudges to do an episode. But this past weekend really really sent me over the edge to do an episode. But this past weekend, like really really like sent me over the edge to do the episode. So I was attending my Latin poppy front runner.
Speaker 1:He invited me to his, his nieces six month Uh, it's not a birthday, she's six months, her six months of nursery or whatever. Like that's his new niece that was born. And you know they find him and his family always find a reason to like celebrate and throw a party, and so I'm always I've been recently, like always at their parties. And so I'm at this particular party and I'm speaking to one of his cousins, his primos, right and she was telling me like hey, I'm 39 years old, I've never been married, you know, and I know she also has two almost adult children and she's like I haven't had a boy, a relationship, in like two years and I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing and the thing is like she had no idea. I was a dating coach, but I just asked some questions around what was she currently doing to connect with men? And, as always, she really wasn't doing anything but going to the grocery store, going outside, and she was like and then I also don't know how to flirt. And I was like, okay, tell me more, tell me more about what you mean about that. She was like this feels weird and it just feels like I don't know what I'm doing. And I asked I said so what do you believe flirting is Like? If you were to flirt, how would that look like? And like she just threw her hand up. Just imagine like someone flipping their hand up in the in the air, their wrist, their wrist. I'm like, oh, like hi, you're so handsome. I just busted out laughing so hard. And the reason why it was so funny number one, it's cringe. Okay, and number two, that is what so many women believe flirting to be is to be like this, you know, sexy, or like caricature feminine, if we were to describe what flirting is. And there's a reason why it feels cringe because it feels it doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel authentic, it feels like you're putting on a performance to get something. And when she said that to me and I just you know, I laughed and I told her why I laughed.
Speaker 1:I was like, tori, hurry up and do this podcast episode, because you need to come help the people, because so many of your clients come to you saying something similar. Your audience is saying something similar. So today, this podcast is going to help you learn how to flirt like a grown ass woman in a real, authentic way that actually leads to deeper connections with men, leads to deeper dates, that leads to commitment. And before I get into that, I want to remind you of two things. Number one you've been enjoying this podcast. Go ahead and leave me a review. Leave this podcast a review. It helps us in the algorithm. I have so many people coming to me and then also like booking sales calls, saying like, hey, I just found your podcast. I was. It just came up in the podcast app because I'm into self-development. It just popped up. Whenever you put a review, you help more women find this work. So definitely, please review the podcast. I want to read a review.
Speaker 1:Someone recently left I think it's Cheyenne, let me know, girl, if I'm pronouncing your name correctly and she says March 13th episode. I enjoyed that episode so much I listened to it twice. Thank you for diving in deep about what it means to be the work versus doing the work. Your Dr Elam impression was hilarious. Why, thank you? I enjoyed that Dr Elam skit as well. He just kills me. He's like I'm Dr Elam and I am a high value man and you need therapy, I can tell you. Don't have your father in your life like weaponizing his therapy tools or whatever. Anywho, shout out to you for leaving that review.
Speaker 1:And then the second thing I want to remind you is if you haven't booked a sales call yet and like you think you want to work with me, like you think you want to work with me, just go ahead and book it. Book it If you like. Have any inclination about? Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to go through with it, but I am thinking about working with Tora. I really want to see change in my love life in 2025. I don't know if I'm ready yet. Just go and book the call. We'll figure out if you're ready together. Okay, we'll figure out if you're ready together on the call and you'll be able to know whether I need to wait, or whether I need to start now, whether this is the best next step for me, or if Tora is even my coach that you would, you would know by then. But anywho, let's get into this episode.
Speaker 1:The first thing I want to do is I want to ask you when was the last time you wanted to kind of flirt? You thought about flirting, but you didn't. Maybe you were afraid it would come off the wrong way. Maybe you didn't want to seem too eager or desperate or thirsty, or maybe you just didn't know how to do it without feeling awkward or feeling out of character. So many of us women, we think that flirting should come naturally, like it's a natural thing that women do. It's either something you either have or you don't, and it's not true. Just like everything else when I talk about when it comes to dating, flirting is a skill and it's one that you can absolutely learn, no matter how quote unquote bad you think you are at it, right, oh, I'm bad at flirting, no matter how bad you think you are.
Speaker 1:In this episode, I'm going to talk about why flirting feels really, really hard for you, especially for those of us who are used to overthinking, leading with our mind, living in our brains and then how to start expressing, how to start flirting in a way that where you feel like you're a grown ass woman, where you feel natural and grounded and confident in what you're saying, without you having to perform, without you having to act extra, I'm going to provide you with the approach that I provide my clients with and how I actually interact with men. So it feels hard, especially for those of us who identify as good girls, recovering good girls, perfectionists, high achievers. You know, because you know we were taught to be smart, we were taught to be polite, we were taught to be respectable and we were taught to be polite. We were taught to be respectable and we were taught not to quote, unquote, do too much.
Speaker 1:And so, for the most part, most of the time when I'm working with women, flirting is often hard. But it's not hard because they're not attractive, because they're not desirable or because they don't have an amazing personality. It's hard because of the internal conflict it creates with them. So they come to me and they're like Tora. You know, I want to, I want to learn, but I want to do it, but I just don't want to lead this man on. And just in case it doesn't work out, just in case we're not a good fit. I just don't want to be too forward. I kind of like want to stay back a little bit, just in case I don't actually like him, or we don't want to give the impression that we like him more than we actually do, so we don't say anything.
Speaker 1:Well, I have clients come to me and they don't want to seem too eager because somewhere along the way they were conditioned to believe that women who show interest or women who are forward in that way get taken advantage of, lose their power, dynamics in the connection, get overlooked for whatever reason, get rejected because men think that we're being too forward. And then some of us believe or assume that it's the man's job to initiate everything, like we think if he's really interested, he'll make it super obvious. I don't have to do all that. And then, of course, we've also seen women use flirting in very manipulative ways and, like we've seen it in the media, like on TV shows, reality TV shows, we may have had a friend do it where we've seen her just flip a switch and now she becomes this manipulative vixen, diva, whatever. And so now we've associated it with being fake or being needy or playing games, and we've decided you know, that's not who I am, that's not the woman that I am.
Speaker 1:And what happens is we end up playing it super cool, we end up keeping things super friendly, we end up holding back how we really feel. We censor every text that we send, we censor the words that come out of our mouths, we get really toned down in our energy, we second guess the things that we're saying. And then we want to turn around wondering why connection feels flat with men. We're wondering why we're not feeling sparks with anybody. We're wondering why men are not showing up for second dates. So we're wondering why we're always the one waiting for a man to show us interest. We're wondering why we're always confused about where we're standing. Okay, and I'm going to get into this a little bit while a little bit later about, like, why flirting is really important. But the truth is, flirting only feels unnatural because of how we've been conditioned to see it and like, once we shift that no amount. Well, until we shift that no amount of text scripts, I could give you no amount of flirting tips I can give you will help. So that's what we're going to do.
Speaker 1:First, we're going to redefine what flirting is. Flirting isn't about being overly seductive, overly playful, performative, trying too hard Like oh hi, you're so whatever. Flirting is simply the art of expressing interest. I'm going to say this again Flirting is simply the art of expressing interest. That is it Okay.
Speaker 1:Flirting is not about getting. It's not a strategy to get a man to like you, to get a man to respond a certain way, to get a man to do something. It's not a performance to prove you're feminine or to prove you're attractive feminine or to prove you're attractive. It's not a calculated move to secure a relationship, secure a date. It's not a calculated move in that way. It's not about getting. It's not manipulative in that way.
Speaker 1:Instead, flirting is actually about giving. It's about giving truth. What is the truth of what I'm experiencing in this interaction, in this connection? What's the truth of what I'm experiencing in my body? It's about giving interest. It's about giving a clear glimpse into your attraction in the very moment that you're experiencing it, without pressure, without expectation, without about trying to control the outcome, expectation without about trying to control the outcome. So, instead of getting or manipulating, we're contributing, we're giving and when done well, flirting feels very, very freeing. It doesn't feel manipulative. It's a way of honoring your own attraction. It's a way of honoring your own joy. It's honoring your own feminine energy. Whether or not anything comes of it, we don't need something to happen because of it.
Speaker 1:So, instead of thinking about flirting as something that you have to get good at to land a man, I want you to reframe it as something much more simpler and much more powerful. I want you to reframe it as a gift, not a game. All right, a lot of us have been shown to see, like oh, it's a game that women play, and women play it well, and this is how they get what they want. They flirt by acting like their hand is broken, or flirt by dropping the handkerchief to like that's their way of flirting. We're not even doing that. It's not a game. Okay, we're grown ass, women. It's a gift. You're offering something real, you're giving your appreciation, you're giving your genuine interest, you're giving your attraction. That's a gift, not a trick. We're not tricking people.
Speaker 1:I want you to reframe it as a moment of presence, not a plan. Right? You don't have to map out where flirting is going, like if I say this and he should say that and if I say this. Like, if I drop the handkerchief, he should come over and be like no, we're not doing that. We're just fully being in the moment and sharing exactly how we feel. I'm going to give some examples. Right, I know y'all listen to this, tor, what you mean. I'm going to give you some examples. Girl, just listen to what I'm saying, let this land in your body for a second. It's going to make a lot of sense. I want you to just be fully in the moment, sharing what you feel now. So it's a moment of presence on a plan.
Speaker 1:And also, flirting is a reflection of your energy. It's not a tactic to win. So this isn't about a man. It really isn't about him. It's about you, as a woman, being fully expressed, being fully open. You're not trying to win, you're trying to create a connection. You are allowing a connection versus trying to win.
Speaker 1:And when you start to see flirting this way, it stops feeling like something you got to turn on to get a result, like, ooh, I gotta, I gotta turn it on to feel flirtatious. It becomes a part of how you naturally show when you're attracted, when you're open, when you're enjoying yourself, and that is when flirting becomes effortless. That's when it stops feeling like a performance and it starts feeling like truth. Okay, so before I get into the actual how of flirting, I really want you to pause and I want you to check in yourself another minute, okay, because even if you start seeing flirting in a new way, the old tension you feel about expressing interest, it just doesn't disappear. This is what I was talking about in the previous episode, about shifting into a new identity, that when you get new strategies, when you get new tips and new ways of doing things around dating, the old identity still wants to rear its ugly head. The same thing Now we're shifting into an identity that's in alignment with flirting as a grown ass woman, but the old identity, the old tension that we feel, it still rears this ugly head and we have to understand where it's coming from so that we can move through it with compassion and not shame. Okay, so this is where we start to separate you from your old identity, from your old program.
Speaker 1:So here are a few questions I want you to reflect on. What has made flirting feel unnatural for me in the past, like think about what that is Like. Were you performing? Were you trying to use words that other women use that don't feel good to you or don't feel authentic to you, like what has made flirting feel good to you or don't feel authentic to you. What has made flirting feel unnatural to you? Did it feel unnatural to feel exposed in that way? Ask yourself, when I imagine expressing or flirting openly, what emotions come up. Is it fear, like fear of what he might say or what he might think of being rejected? Is it nervousness? Is it guilt? Maybe you feel guilty because you think only fast women do things like that, or thirsty women do things like that or that. A woman like you shouldn't have to do that.
Speaker 1:I want you to ask yourself this question have I ever wanted to say something that showed how I really felt, but chose to stay quiet? Why? Why did I choose to stay quiet? Was there ever something that maybe I really wanted to share something with a man? Maybe there was something coming out of me that did feel flirtatious but it felt dangerous to say. When was the last time I felt really open around a man? I felt playful around a man? What helped me access that energy? What was it? Did we already have a friendship relationship previously? Is it because it wasn't that attractive to me and I felt like the prize, so it was easy for me to flirt with him, right? When was the last time you felt playful or open around a man and what helped you access that energy? Your answers here matter, because they're not just cute journal prompts here, okay. So even if you're driving, I really want you to consider this, even if you're in the shower, I really want you to consider this.
Speaker 1:These questions are a doorway to your personal blueprint. So, for example, maybe you realize that every time you felt attraction in the past, you've waited for the man to make the first move. And now you associate expressing interest with either rejection or chasing. Because you've always waited for the man to come to you because of attraction and you've either had to reject him or you've either been in a position where this man has chased you. It has never been like this beautiful dance, this back and forth between you, because you're just waiting for him to show all the interest. You, because you're just waiting for him to show all the interests. You're waiting for cues for him.
Speaker 1:Or maybe growing up, you saw women who flirted being judged, being labeled, being talked about. Maybe your mother talked about her like oh, look at that, look at that whore right. Or maybe you've heard your brothers say something about women, or maybe people in the church like judging, labeling, talking about, and it just feels safer to stay neutral because they've talked so much crap about this particular, these particular women. These aren't random patterns, they're stories, they're self-protective habits that we've developed over the years and they've probably helped you feel very, very safe up until now. But love ain't safe. Girl Connection is not safe. If you want deeper connection, if you want real chemistry, real intimacy and more empowered dating experiences, you are going to have to come off of safety. You're going to have to shift away from safety, okay, and get very open and vulnerable when it comes to interacting with men. So take a second. Even if you're listening in the car, you're on a walk, you're in the shower, I want you to mentally note the one block that feels the loudest for you right now, which feels the loudest, which block which concern, what fear feels the loudest for you when it comes to flirting and feel and expressing yourself.
Speaker 1:Now that you started thinking and uncovering what has been blocking your natural ability to flirt, your natural ability to show interest, I'm going to talk about the exact formula that I use to teach my private clients. Okay, it's very simple, it's very repeatable and it's grounded in truth. And it's not performance. It's all about being a grown ass woman, like I said. And just to remind you, flirting isn't about to get something. It isn't about that. It's not even about being sexy, right? People look at flirting and they equate it to like being more sexy. It's not even. It doesn't even require seductiveness for the sake of it or saying something out of your character.
Speaker 1:Flirting is about expressing a positive truth about how you feel about someone in the most direct way possible. I'm going to say it again so flirting is about expressing a positive truth about how you feel about someone in the most direct way possible. That's it. If it's true, if it's specific and it's positive, it's flirting. Now, if it's not true like sometimes we say things that's not true, we don't believe it, we just say it that's flattery. That's not flirting, that's flattery. We do not want to get into flattery where we're not telling the truth, some of us are not specific, we're vague. Again, that doesn't give flirting, that gives self-protection, and I'm going to get into what that looks like. And then, if it's definitely not positive, if it's like negative, we're getting into teasing or backhanded compliments Again. If it's definitely not positive, if it's like negative, we're getting into teasing or backhanded compliments Again. Since it's not flirting, it's probably a backhanded compliment. It's probably low-key bullying a little bit, because sometimes some of us say things to the opposite sex because we think it's funny when we're teasing the person, but it's very negative and it ends up being a backhanded compliment.
Speaker 1:But I'm going to break down flirting in three simple steps. The first step in flirting with a man is notice something appealing about him. This is very important because a lot of us are not present enough to freaking notice. We are so in our heads about what he thinks and what should I say next? And is this going well? And or is he attracted to me? Does he think I'm weird, like we don't even slow down to notice. I really want you to pause, be present in your body, notice something appealing. This could be about how he looks, about how he carries himself, about something thoughtful he did, about something he said that genuinely impressed you. And this could be somebody you just met or somebody you've been dating. Right, and it doesn't have to be deep or poetic. We think flirting has to be some deep, poetic thing.
Speaker 1:Lots of women say to me like oh, tora, I don't know how to talk like you. I don't know how to flirt like you. I have added my own pizzazz to flirting. I've added my own personality. I have a more advanced skillset so I'm able to infuse many different things into flirting. But you can take away all of those things and it still be flirting, right. I have clients that are like I don't know if y'all know, remember Roshanda? She has an episode on here and we've done some, some workshops together. I don't know if you guys remember her, but she always said like I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm not as clever when it comes to my speech as Torah when it comes to flirting, but she's always flirting with men because she's very clear and direct and she's very present with herself. It doesn't have to be deep or poetic, it just has to be real. You're not looking for the perfect thing to say, you're just tuning into what already caught your attention. So, for example, if a man's energy caught your attention, that is what we flirt about and it looks like you have really great energy. I felt really comfortable around you tonight. That's flirting. It's very direct, it's noticing, or you notice how intentional a man is and you can just simply say I really appreciate how intentional you are. I noticed it right away and that made me feel very excited to connect with you. That's flirting. That's it. It's very direct. It's not super, super clever.
Speaker 1:I remember one of my favorite flirts that I would use with men when they would send me a good morning message. They were like good morning, beautiful. And I'd be like oh, I apologize. And they'd be like apologize for what? And I'd be like I apologize for being on your mind so early in the morning. I know you have more important things to do, like saving the world, right, curing cancer or something, but you want to wish me good morning. Like it's flirting. But it was like my own little pizzazz, like I. You didn't have to. I didn't have to do all that for flirting. That's just how I was, that's how I like it. And women would say Tori, I don't know how to do that, you don't have to. I could have simply just said I appreciate how you think of me in the morning. It feels really good to hear from you, or it feels good to hear from a handsome guy like you. That's flirting. You didn't have to do all what I did.
Speaker 1:The second step in flirting is express it in a clear and direct way. Say it in plain language. Don't water it behind like water it down. Don't hide behind a joke. You're not dropping hints. You're letting someone know what stood out to you.
Speaker 1:And this is where a lot of us freeze, because we're trying to be impressive Like I can't be impressive like Torah I don't know how to say it like that. I don't want to say it like this woman here. Stop it, stop trying to be impressive and start just being honest about what you like. So, for example, we try to water things out or like be very vague about something because it's really safe, like, oh, that's a cool jacket. But what if we say the thing, the thing is, I think he actually really looks good in that jacket. Not like, oh, that's a cool jacket, that's so safe. The direct thing to say because you think he looks good in the jacket, is like you look really good in that jacket. You see the difference versus that's a cool jacket, that's so safe, and it's not direct about what, how you really feel in the moment. It's like oh, you actually really look good in that jacket, I think you have really good style.
Speaker 1:Or, instead of saying thanks for dinner, you say something like I had a really great time with you, you're so easy to be around and you're really thoughtful. That's the truth and very direct about what happened. It's not like oh, thanks for dinner, dinner was great. It's like I had a great time with you, not just dinner. I had a great time with you, you were easy to be around, you were really thoughtful. That's more vulnerable. It's more exposed, which is why people avoid it, because it opens you up to being judged. It opens you up to rejection. It opens you up for people looking at you differently and that's why we tend to stick with vague things to say.
Speaker 1:And the third step in flirting is just let it land. This is the part where so many women skip or get caught up in, especially if you're used to trying to manage how a man might interpret what you said. So many of us are really big on trying to manage how people interpret us or how people view us. So we're like I need to say this. So he doesn't look at me like that and I need to say that. So he doesn't look at me like that and I need to say that. So he doesn't look at me like this you express something true and then you immediately either try to soften it, explain it over, explain or walk it back. So I'll give you some examples of softening.
Speaker 1:You might like a guy. Or you might want to give a compliment to a guy and you might say something like, oh, you actually look really good in that jacket. But don't let it get to your head now, like girl, that's self-protectant. You might think it's just fun and games, but it's your way of micromanaging how he responds to you. Or micromanaging how exposed you actually are. You can just say he actually looks good in that jacket and let it land. Exposed you actually are. You can just say he actually looks good in that jacket and let it land. Or some of us are very, very insecure about sharing and so we say, hey, I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I really love how blah, blah, blah. Or I really appreciate like blah, blah, blah, like you don't have to prefix it, I hope this doesn't sound weird. Versus owning the fact that somebody may think it's weird and not have a problem with it. Like why do we have to make it a problem? Like I hope this doesn't sound weird.
Speaker 1:I remember, you know being on a date with Saudi. It was our first date and I remember looking at him and saying you know, I think you have really nice lips and I think you're really handsome. I love your smile. This was our first date, right? And so he looks at me like he's silent, like staring at me. I can tell he's really thrown off by how direct I am and instead of like oh, I hope this doesn't sound weird because I'm so attracted to you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way no, I don't want to give a damn how he took it. He could have took it as this girl is fast, this girl is a whore, this girl is.
Speaker 1:I didn't care, that's what I wanted to say in the moment and although he was thrown off, he was extremely turned on by the whole situation. He was like he's like. Look, he told me later he was like I was trying to be a gentleman the whole time with you. He's like, but the directness like kind of threw me off, or examples of over explaining. You could be like, oh, like, I just meant like, oh, I noticed this blah, blah, blah. Not that I'm trying to say anything serious, but I just noticed, again over explaining. Or? I didn't mean anything by it, I just thought I'd say it Stop it. Stop it right now. Don't do that no more. Okay, don't do it anymore. Or backtracking oh sorry, that probably came out wrong. Or you probably get that all the time. Or, oh, I hope that come off the wrong way, stop it.
Speaker 1:Every time you do that, you are diluting the interest, you are diluting the message, you are diluting what you're trying to express. You're making it harder for the man to feel the full truth of what you just expressed. You've just told him I do not own my expression as a woman. I do not own how open I am as a woman. I don't own it. Okay, I haven't taken full responsibility of it. As a woman, I don't own it. Okay, I haven't taken full responsibility of it. And that right there doesn't necessarily. That doesn't feel particularly emotionally safe for men, okay, which is why we're like.
Speaker 1:We're always like oh, the audacity of men to say that to me, because a lot of them own their desire, a lot of them feel grounded in what they want. They don't really care about what you think. That's why they can say what they say and they don't care about your judgment. They don't care about you thinking they're a creep, or they don't care about thinking that they only want sex. They don't care, they own it, and I want to offer you permission to own yours. So, instead of diluting your message, here's what to do instead.
Speaker 1:Okay, let it land. If you're in person, say it. Pause. I love doing that. I love saying the thing and just pausing and just watching what they do with it. Okay, say it. Let the truth sit, let the compliment sit. Smile, if you want, I'll do that too. They probably think I'm crazy, but they love it. Okay, let the man feel it. Before you rush to explain it away, before you rush to backtrack, before you rush to change the topic, let it land. If you're texting, just send the text. Don't follow it up with a joke or a ha ha or LOL or disclaimer. Let it be clear. Throw your phone over in the corner if you need to.
Speaker 1:Letting it land means letting it be enough. We talk a lot about I know I'm enough. I have self-love, I am enough. If you, enough, girl, let it land. No softeners. Let what you said be enough. No second guessing, just you owning what you feel in the moment and if you want to add a bonus to this.
Speaker 1:If you are becoming more advanced, this is where people are like Tora I don't know how to say it like you're not supposed to. I'm advanced. Okay, once you are getting to the point where you're advanced, once you've expressed your interest, clearly, you can enhance that moment with a small cue that reflects your personality, without performing Okay, and in person, this might look like a genuine smile. While you speak, you're holding the smile, or maybe holding eye contact. I love the whole eye contact without looking away when I express myself. That's the kind of tension I like to create. Okay, you might do a physical cue like touch on the arm, touch on the knee, if you're comfortable with that. That adds a little touch that feels comfortable. Again, you don't have to do this. This is just a little bonus. I love doing this, but I'm also advanced.
Speaker 1:Or, if you're texting, you might send some like emoji, like a wink or blow kiss, and you might send a voice note that lets them hear. Here's your tone and that's the difference between, for example, I really enjoyed spending time with you. On our day, it feels very safe and comfortable to be with you. That can change in a voice note. I really enjoyed spending time with you on our date the other night. I just felt so safe, I felt so comfortable. I just really enjoyed my time with you, thank you, do you see the tone like the tone, inflections and the change that you can do in a voice? No, that's, that's the, that's the, the bonus.
Speaker 1:And this isn't about being bubbly, if you're not bubbly. This is not about being overly animated If you're not overly animated. This is just about letting your interest feel real so that it doesn't get lost in neutral delivery. Because when you are giving neutral delivery, you're giving friend zone vibes. You're giving vibes that you are probably not emotionally open enough for a connection with this man. Because typically men are like they will match your energy when they are available. Okay, they will match your energy when they are available. Okay, they will match your energy. But if we attract an emotionally available man and we're not able to expose ourselves vulnerably in this way with flirting, then this is why we end up not going on second dates. This is why men start pulling away. This is why we are not able to sustain a connection. This is why we're often friends and we're told well, wife material. But the man is like well, your wife material, but it's not going to work out, for whatever reason.
Speaker 1:Okay, so the three steps to flirting is number one notice something appealing about him. Number two express it in a clear and direct way. Number three let it land. Two express it in a clear and direct way. Number three let it land. And then the bonus is simply just adding something expressive that's in alignment with your personality. Okay, and like I said, this is how you express attraction, without attachment. You're letting a man know how you feel, not because you need a certain reaction. You don't need him to be with you, you don't need him to act a certain way. It's because you're just being honest about your experience. Right? I can let you know that I think that you have a beautiful smile and beautiful lips, without needing us to be going a second date. I don't need to go on a second date for me to let you know that I don't think I'm losing my power, because I let you know that I don't think I'm losing anything, and that's the shift. Flirting as a grown woman isn't about making something happen. It's about being a woman who can speak her desire, who owns that desire, who appreciate what she sees, appreciate what she's experiencing and enjoying the connection for what it is, without losing herself in the process. Okay, I'll give you an example of, like a recent client who I just helped like, lean into her, her flirting error and start building the skills.
Speaker 1:One of my private clients. She came to me one day. She sent me a screenshot. Well, before she sent me a screenshot, we were on the call together and she was like Tora, you know we were, you know we're on the dates, but I'm not really feeling like a spark. I'm not really feeling like closeness or like really excitement about it. Like the dates are nice, the conversations are fine, but I'm just not really feeling some chemistry. And I was like are you attracted to him? She was like, yeah. I was like what do you like? Do you like him? She's like yeah, I really do like him. I was like okay, there's the you are holding back here.
Speaker 1:And when I dug deeper I realized she wasn't bringing herself to the dates. She was observing on the dates, she was evaluating on the dates, she was playing it safe on the dates, but she wasn't actually expressing interest, flirting, letting herself be seen in this way, right, aka, flirting. So on a recent date she told me she thought the guy was cute, she thought he was smart, she thought he was thoughtful. But when I asked him, I said did you tell him this? She said no. And I'm like why didn't you tell? Why didn't you tell him? And she was just like well, I just I don't want to if it doesn't work out. I don't want him to feel let on and or I don't want to if he's not interested. I don't want to seem like I'm overly interested. And that's when I paused her.
Speaker 1:You know, because this is what so many of us do, so many of us recovering good girls do like we feel the interest in our bodies, we feel the attraction, but we don't express it right Because we're afraid we'll be misunderstood, we're afraid that we'll look too eager. Or we're also afraid because we think we're obligated to something they're not ready for. So, for example, if I tell a man that I think his lips look amazing and then he wants to be like oh well, let's tongue kiss, and I'm like oh, I'm actually not ready for that. I can be really attracted to your lips and not be ready to tongue you down. I'm okay with that, sir. Like I understand, I'm not obligated to kiss you because I like your lips, because flirting isn't a contract, it's a moment of truth, it's a moment of how I feel in the moment.
Speaker 1:And so on our coaching call, I literally walked her through the formula of flirting and I had her say out loud what she liked about the man. She thought he was smart and thoughtful in conversation, she loved his energy and she thought he was cute and fit Right. She loved that. She never said this to this guy. And then I coached her to send the actual message. So she was sitting there. She was like no. I was like yes, yes, we're going to do it right on this call. We're going to do it right on this call. So, cause, I looked at her screenshot she sent me to this man. I was like she was like yeah, I sent him a message. And you know I didn't really get that energy back.
Speaker 1:And I looked at the message. I was like number one, you buried the message in, like talking about your kids, talking about what you did with your kids, and at the very end you were like thanks for dinner and drinks. And I was like girl, it's not going to work and drinks. And I was like girl, it's not going to work. That's not going to work here, that that that's not, that. That doesn't create openness, it doesn't create connection. And this is the reason why you're not feeling sparked is because you, you don't want, you don't want to start off being the spark and then so I coaster through it. I'm like we're not going to say that we're going to follow up and we're going to say something. Like you know, by the way, like I really appreciated our conversation the other night. You're really super thoughtful and I think you're, I think you're also really cute and I appreciate the fact that you're fit too.
Speaker 1:So now she had nerves, she was nervously laughing, but I held space for her and I reminded her. Like you're not promising him anything, you're not leading him on, you're just telling the truth, that's it. You can leave this here if nothing happens. And the moment she sent it, like you could feel the shift in her energy, like she was very proud of herself and she felt very powerful. And the bonus, the bonus and I say the bonus because she already won by sending the bonus that this man came back and he expressed it how he really wanted to get to know her and he expressed it how he actually felt about her. She responded really well. That was the bonus, though not the point. The real win was this queen realizing she didn't have to wait to be the spark. She can own her attraction, she can create the connection and she can flirt, not from a place of performance but from a place of the truth, right From the place of the truth.
Speaker 1:And so now you might be thinking okay, dora, I get the mindset, I get the formula, I even get the example that you gave, but where am I supposed to start? Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm listening to this, but, like, how do I start practicing? My answer is simple Start small and start where it doesn't feel like it counts. Start low risk.
Speaker 1:Flirting is a skill that means it needs to be practiced. That means there needs to be reps, that means there needs to be warmups, and the best place to build that muscle is in low stakes moments, where there's no pressure, where there's no expectation, where there's no romantic outcome attached. So that might mean going out and about and complimenting a male stranger on something specific that they chose or did, and this will help you build your habit of noticing. This will help you build your habit of speaking up so you might pass a stranger and instead of saying, nice suit. You might say you look really good in that color. Caught my eye the second you walked in. Like you look really good in that color, noticing speaking up. Or you say something like you got great taste. Like you have great taste. Not that, oh, the suit looks nice. Like you have great taste. Like you have great taste. Not that, oh, the suit looks nice. Like you have great taste. Like I love how those shoes go with your suit. See the difference.
Speaker 1:Or you can name what you enjoyed about a conversation, not just that the conversation happened, okay. So instead of saying something like oh, great, combo, right, great conversation. You could say something like I really enjoyed this conversation. I feel like I could talk to you for hours, okay. Or you're really easy to talk to. I feel very relaxed and engaged talking to you. It's the truth, feel it in your body, what's happening in your body? Oh, it feels easy here, oh, it feels relaxing here. Or I'm engaged here. Well, say it. Say that instead of oh, great combo.
Speaker 1:Or you can mention a detail you remember from a previous conversation, and this creates connection and shows genuine attentiveness. So, instead of not saying anything at all, you might say something like oh, I walked by a sushi place today and I thought of you. You've officially taken up space in my brain and I love that. Okay, and here's the thing. It doesn't have to be a romantic connection if you don't want it to be, or it could be like, if it's not romantic connection, it could be something like oh, you've been on my mind today. I remember your presentation. I hope you crushed it, because you really seem like a man who handles pressure well.
Speaker 1:Like that could be somebody platonic that you're speaking to, okay, or someone who you know. Maybe you've texted someone that you've matched with, or you are dating and you're leaning in, so, instead of being chill, you can express interest directly. You could say like hey, you're actually really fun to talk to and I love how you think. I definitely say yes to seeing more of that in person sometime. Right, it's low risk, because you don't really know them. You're just getting to know the person and, as you are getting to know people, you can you know you might be going on a date with somebody. You can say something like oh, I had such a great time the other night. You're really smart, you're really funny and, honestly, really charming. Like it caught me off guard in the best way. That's it Like.
Speaker 1:If you're starting to see people and you want to practice more on men that you're actually dating and you could let someone see the effect that they had on you as well, this is more advanced Again. We're going to like the low stakes to something more advanced and so, for example, if you've been talking to a guy, you could just let them know something like if you've been smiling, if you've been throughout the day smiling at a conversation you've had, you can let them know like I've been smiling since that conversation, like you're quick on your toes, you're really hilarious and I wasn't ready for that experience. Or you're still on my mind from earlier. I keep replaying that story you told I really like how your brain works, all that's flirting, all that's flirting. And if you're really at the basics, you can start commenting somebody at a coffee shop, a barista, like man or woman. You can start practicing with kids right. Start saying random things about kids that you see about them. That helps you start practicing and noticing in your skillset. Or letting things land Like, oh say, for example, you're talking to your nephew and he's a kid and you may say something like I really love how energetic you are, I love how playful and energetic you are. You make auntie really happy to see you every time I come over here.
Speaker 1:Start with the noticing, start with the sharing, start with the basics, start practicing low stakes and then start taking more risks. And here's the key Do not wait until it feels natural, because it won't. At first, you've been doing undoing years of conditioning that told you to stay neutral, that told you to stay nice, that told you to stay mysterious, that told you to stay in your head, and at first it might feel very awkward. It might feel too bold and you'll second guess yourself. You'll wonder like, did I sound weird? Was that too much? And that's totally normal. It simply means you're stretching a muscle that has been underused. Okay, and the more that you do it, the more second nature it becomes.
Speaker 1:So instead of obsessing over how a man will respond, I want you to measure success in a new way. Did I show up in my truth, like? Did I tell the truth? Did I express what I actually felt in my body and did I let myself be seen? And if the answer is yes, not only did you flirt, you flirted like a grown woman, and you're getting better at it, with more practice, with more awareness, with more noticing.
Speaker 1:Now, the part that scares a lot of women, more than flirting itself, is like oh, what if I flirt and he doesn't flirt back? What if he leaves me on read? What if he just says thanks? What if I put myself out there and it doesn't go anywhere? The moment after you express interest can be very, very vulnerable, right, especially if you're not used to doing it. But here's what I want you to remember. I want you to remember again flirting is not a contract, it's an expression. You're not promising anything, you're not being promised anything and you're not owed anything back in return.
Speaker 1:And so there are so many reasons why a man not reciprocate the way that you hope. Number one he may not be emotionally available, and instead of being upset about that, we need to use it as feedback, like, oh, he's not meeting me where I'm at. Okay, he may not know how to handle direct interest from a woman without assuming this pressure or expectation. So, for example, my client she expressed what she expressed, but she didn't anticipate the first message that she got back from him, cause she felt like oh, that, that I don't think that really matched the energy that I want. So she sent him a voicemail back, voice note back, and she was like hey, you know, it really took a lot for me to send that and I really didn't feel like your energy, you know, matched with what I said or I'm not feeling like there's genuine interest on your end. And he's like no, no, no, no, no, like um, and he basically just got really expressive around it.
Speaker 1:Like some people may not know how to handle direct interest, okay, without um, because so many women aren't doing it. It can be a shock to the system, which is why I'm like some men just stare at me when they first hear it. Again, I know that they secretly love it, but they're like staring, or like when I told you how I jumped out of the um soon as Saudi jumped out of the Uber and I just start singing a song to him on our second date, I started singing Whitney Houston, I always love you. And he's like girl, you're crazy, right? He didn't like start singing back with me. He didn't say, oh, my gosh, I love this. He didn't say any of that. Like he just stood there and looked. I knew.
Speaker 1:But to me I have so much experience here I could tell he was eating it up and so many men may not know how to handle direct interest from a woman without assuming this pressure or expectation. He might not recognize the moment is flirting again and he might be nervous himself, especially if he's not used to a woman expressing interest clearly and confidently. When it comes to Latin poppy, that man is not nervous about anything. In fact he kind of made me a little bit nervous about our first couple of dates, like how direct he was. I would say Like he's very direct, extremely direct.
Speaker 1:But like when it came to like big body bins and like our first date, like I'm looking at him dead in his face and I'm expressing things to him and I could tell that that kind of made him a little bit nervous and he didn't know what to do with that. Or he might not know how to float, either he might know how to match your energy without fear of doing too much himself. I remember big body bins was like you know, I appreciated like how expressive you were because I wasn't sure how to show up with you, because I didn't want to come off as not a gentleman or creep or anything like that. But when you asked me, because I told him I was like I want to kiss you and he was like I wanted to kiss you back. But you know, and you know, and you know we did kiss but he was like kind of nervous about like being the first one to initiate that. So I just want you to say I mean, I just want you to know that not every man who doesn't flirt back is emotionally detached or disinterested. Some men are just unsure, some men are just caught off guard, some men are just learning, just like you, and sometimes expressing your interest clearly can pull the right man forward, maybe not always instantly, but in a way that opens the door for him to know that it's safe to engage.
Speaker 1:So, that being said, if someone is constantly not meeting you in that energy, or if it always feels like you're doing the emotional heavy lifting, it's okay to take that as data. Because, again, flirting is not a performance. You're not here to convince anyone to like you. You're here to express your truth and to see who's able to meet you there. The goal is not a perfect reaction. The goal is not emotion. The goal is actually emotional fluency expression. The goal is to become a woman who can show interest and attraction without tying your worth or your expectations to how a man responds.
Speaker 1:So, that being said, I want you to practice this. I want you to implement this. I really want you to start building a skill to how to flirt like a grown woman. Okay, that's what I want you to practice on this week. And if you want to take things to the next level, in one-to-one coaching, I actually help you give direct feminine cues so that men stop treating you like a friend and start pursuing you like a woman that they're actually interested, that a woman that they actually desire to pursue for a serious relationship, not someone that they say is wifey material, but someone that they can see as someone being their wife.
Speaker 1:Working with me. You're going to stop leaving dates unsure if a man's actually interested and you'll know how to communicate in a way that shows interest, builds connection and leads to real follow-up, like second dates and consistent effort that leads to a relationship. And you'll start attracting men who show up plan ahead and make it obvious that they want to see you again. So go ahead and book the sales call girl. Make it obvious that they want to see you again. So go ahead and book the sales call, girl.
Speaker 1:Book a sales call to learn how you can work with me, to stop being scared of saying the wrong thing and actually start getting the attention, the dates and the consistency that you actually want. Book the sales calls in the show notes or you can go to my Instagram, to the link there, and book a sales call with me and let's figure out if working together is the best. Next step, let's figure out if you're actually ready for this. If you don't know if you're ready for this, let's find out on the call. And then also leave a review, girl, I know you love the episode. Leave a review, let me know. All right, girl, until next time. Bye.