Date with Cents
Date with Cents
What If You Try—and Love Still Doesn’t Happen?
That fear of doing all the work, showing up differently in dating, and still not getting chosen is keeping many women stuck in dating limbo…afraid to fully commit to finding love.
If you've been consuming dating advice without applying it, deleting apps after two days, or hiding behind stories of being "too busy" or "not ready yet," you're not protecting yourself…you're guaranteeing nothing changes.
In this episode, I break down why this fear exists, what it's actually costing you, and how to start collecting evidence that love is possible for you exactly as you are right now.
I'll share actionable steps to move past this fear and build momentum in your love life, whether or not you ever work with me.
If you're ready to stop dating like you're trying not to get hurt and start showing up fully for love, book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me.
Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
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Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
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@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girls, welcome back to the podcast. I'm super happy that you're here and this episode is going to be so good and super helpful, especially considering if you enjoyed the 10K dating coach controversy episode, because I have gotten so many DMs about it. I've had people sharing stories and tag me and say that episode brought them to tears or truly touched them like they finally felt seen. So I'm really happy about that. You're going to love this episode if that episode resonated with you episode. If that episode resonated with you.
Speaker 1:And speaking of 10K dating coach controversy, before we get into this episode, I am officially I'm raising my rates this month. I didn't know it was going to be this quickly, but yeah, I'm actually raising my rates, my one-to-one rates. I am fully booked out. The girls are doing amazing and it is time to go to the next level. And, yeah, raise the rates. And so, that being said, if you have been thinking about working with me, you can definitely book a sales call. I think I may have a few left this month for you to book to work with me. If you book a sales call this month, you can lock in the rate. You will be added to a wait list in order to secure your spot to work with me at that rate. But you will be able to have the rate If you go ahead and book a sales call with me. We can lock it in and you have a chance to join my paid work wait list and whenever a spot comes available, you can hop right into coaching, okay. So, yeah, go ahead and do that so that you can lock in your rate.
Speaker 1:And even those of you who have booked sales call with me, for whatever reason, maybe you ghosted me after we had our sales call. Maybe you were scared or nervous. Maybe you were nervous about, you know, making the investment you are off. You are also free to email me back. I don't, I don't take none of that personally, girl. You can email me and say Tara, I want to lock in my spot and join the paid wait list before you increase your rate.
Speaker 1:All right, now let's get into this episode. So if you've ever said to yourself oh, like I know, I really need to do the work when it comes to dating, I really need to show up differently, I really want to put my all into it, but there's a part of me that's like what if I put in all this effort, what if I really put myself out there and nothing changes? This episode is for you, a lot of us women. We don't say this part out loud, but it's real. You know we're scared that if we really try and we still don't meet the man that we want, we still don't get chosen that it will confirm the worst stories that we've been carrying around quietly for years. Stories like oh, maybe I'm the exception. All my friends are getting married, but I'm still here doing all this work and nothing's changing.
Speaker 1:Or stories like well, maybe men like that. They want younger women, maybe they want more skinnier women, or maybe they want women without kids or baggage. Stories like maybe I messed it up with the one good man I had about five 10 years ago, 15 years ago, and that was my only shot. Stories like maybe I'm the problem, maybe I come on too strong, maybe I'm too intimidating, maybe I asked for too much, maybe I should have settled when I had a chance. Stories like maybe the kind of love that I want the safe, generous, emotional, passionate, stable love. Maybe that isn't real, or sometimes the story is maybe I'm not meant to be loved like that, or sometimes the story is maybe I'm not meant to be loved like that.
Speaker 1:And when that's the fear, it makes sense that you'd rather hold back. It makes sense why you don't put your all into dating. It makes sense because if you give it your all and it still doesn't work, you worry that you'll prove that those thoughts were right, whether you've already started dating or you've just been quietly doing your inner work on your own. I want you to walk away from this episode with clarity and something that you can actually do. I want you to walk away from this episode feeling seen, feeling steady and with your next step that actually builds momentum for real results in your love life, whether or not you ever work with me. Okay, so let's talk about where that fear comes from and what it's actually costing you and what's really on the other side of it. Because this fear, it isn't just about how it might make you feel all the uncomfortable feelings, about how it might make you feel all the uncomfortable feelings. It's about what it might mean for the future that you actually want. And this fear doesn't just shape how you date, right. It doesn't shape just shape how, how women date in general, right. It also shows up when they're deciding to get support.
Speaker 1:So when women hesitate to work with me, for whatever reason, it's rarely about me, it's rarely about the offer. It's what if I invest in this money working with Tora? Right, I see what Tora is doing in her love life. I get it, she's doing it. I see what some of her other clients are doing, I get it. It seems like it's working for them. But me, I might be different in my circumstance. What if I do all this work? What if I shift everything and I invest and I still don't end up with the relationship that I want? Okay, it's. What if I give it everything? What if I show up to all the coaching calls? What if I do all the work she told me to do? What if I shift all my patterns and I still don't end up with the man that I want, the relationship that I want, and I still don't have a chance there? And that's terrifying, because if you're like most high achieving women I do work with, you're used to being able to control outcomes.
Speaker 1:You picked a major, you got the degree, you got the job because you knew the steps to take and you took them. You apply for promotions, negotiated salaries, learn new skills and you watched your effort pay off. You know how to budget, save and make smart financial decisions. You've planned the vacations, you've chosen the apartment, you've decorated the home, you've upgraded your car, your wardrobe, your skincare routine. Because when you want something, you figure it out and you made things happen for yourself over and over again and you're proud of that.
Speaker 1:But dating hasn't worked that way. You can't pick a man the way that you've picked a grad program. You can't just work harder or follow a checklist or make a vision board and expect love to arrive on your schedule. And I know part of what makes it feel difficult. Is this, right you feel like? A lot of times I hear potential clients say like oh, love requires another person. Right, it requires another person. And that's how come? It's not guaranteed. It's not just your effort, it's their choice too.
Speaker 1:But guess what, girl, that's not unique to dating. Getting a job requires someone to hire you. Getting into school required someone to accept you. Even your promotion, even your business, even your opportunities all of it involve someone else saying yes, else saying yes. The difference is those yeses didn't feel personal. You didn't make their rejection mean something about your worth. You didn't internalize the silence from a job the way you do from a man.
Speaker 1:And that's not because dating is harder. It's because your heart is more invested with love. The stakes feel higher, so the fear feels heavier, and when you're used to being the one creating results, it makes dating feel frustrating at best and deeply unsafe at worst. Because this time, any effort you put into it, it's emotional, the risk it's personal. So even putting yourself out there feels exposing. Opening an app, walking into a room and making eye contact, telling a friend that you want to be set up, all of it feels like holding your breath and hoping it doesn't backfire on you. Your breath and hoping it doesn't backfire on you, because this time, even if you do meet someone, you're wondering will he think I'm enough? Should I be more playful, more mysterious, less direct? Did I come on too strong? If it goes well, you're afraid to get your hopes up, because that's usually when things shift. If it doesn't go anywhere, you're stuck over, analyzing every text, every silence, every shift in tone.
Speaker 1:And even when a relationship does form, it doesn't always feel safer. You might still feel like you're doing most of the emotional work you're overthinking, walking on eggshells, performing to keep the connection going. So, at every single stage before the first date, meeting a man during the first date and even deep into connection towards a relationship. It can feel like you're walking into something that could fall apart without warning. And for someone who's used to doing the work and seeing momentum, that kind of vulnerability doesn't just feel unfamiliar, it can feel like a threat, because the idea of putting your heart into something and it's still not working isn't just disappointing, okay. It feels like it confirms your deepest fears that maybe you're not wanted or maybe love just doesn't happen for you. So, even if you're not saying it out loud, this fear is guiding your choices more than you realize, because you know what happens.
Speaker 1:You stay stuck in a cycle of half ass effort. You read dating books, but you never apply the prompts, the action items. You screenshot Instagram posts that resonate, you send it to your friends but never follow through on the advice Right? You're like, oh, this is good girl and send it. You re-download dating apps and then you delete them two days later because it feels pointless. You swipe left on everyone and then tell yourself there's no one out there. You go to brunch, but you avoid eye contact with the most attractive men in the room. You get dressed up, you walk through the grocery store hoping to be noticed, but if someone looks too long you shrink or walk away and you say you're open to love.
Speaker 1:But deep down you're bracing for disappointment before it even starts. And maybe you listen to podcasts like mine every week, but you never actually try something different in real life, because trying feels risky and doing nothing at least feels safe, because it feels safer to say I haven't fully tried than to fully try and still be disappointed, right. So here's what I want to tell you that fear of confirming your worst scenario. It's the very thing keeping you from getting what you want. You think you're protecting yourself, but really you're just staying in a loop that guarantees that nothing changes. Okay, even small shifts in your behavior can start to break that loop, like leaving the house on a Saturday night without hiding in busyness, hiding in errands, hiding in big girl groups.
Speaker 1:Like putting effort into how you look, not just to be seen or chosen by a man, but just simply feel like a woman again, especially my single mothers. I'll be having single mother clients come work with me and y'all whole identity, be around y'all kids and I'm, like you, a woman before you're a mother, but everything is about your kids. If you want to meet the kind of men that you want, you literally have to put yourself first. I know that sounds bad as a mom, but it's not. It's the best thing you'll ever do for your kids. Take this from a mom right. Small shifts like opening the dating app without immediately scrolling past every man who seems too good to be true. Small shifts like writing the first line of your new bio that really expresses who you are. That small shift like asking a friend to introduce you to someone instead of pretending you're fine on your own, or just simply letting yourself admit out loud that you that you won't love, instead of masking it behind independence.
Speaker 1:I think I mentioned previously, when I graduated grad school like I literally made a bunch of posts about how I was looking and how I was single and how I, how I wanted a man. I didn't make that a problem. I didn't make that mean I was desperate and thirsty, and I'll do it again. I will do it again If I ever find myself rosterless. I will literally post in my stories of what I'm looking for and let the people DM me right? I'm not too proud for that. So this isn't about always about massive leaps. Sometimes it starts with one private moment where you just stop pretending that you're not afraid and let that be the beginning of trying anyway. And what I want you to know is, when you do start showing up, even in small ways, something real starts to shift. And here's the thing, what I teach. It isn't about making you more pickable. It's about removing the patterns and survival strategies that are keeping love out.
Speaker 1:When women finally say yes to dating, when they say yes to the process of connecting with men, the process of meeting their person, their partner, their husband whether it's through working with me directly, with coaching, or just choosing to use the free content or some paid workshops, something shifts. Something shifts. They start showing up for themselves, not just to be chosen, not just to get attention, but because they're tired of hiding from their own desire. They stop abandoning their wants, they stop making themselves invisible to avoid disappointment. And that inner shift is what makes everything else possible In the beginning. They just stop hiding right. They stop hiding. They stop waiting to feel 100% confident before they take the first step. They stop standing in the corner at events scrolling their phone or hoping someone else makes the first move On the apps. They stop redownloading and deleting dating apps in cycles. They stop swiping out of boredom and they start messaging with intention. They ask better questions. They take themselves more seriously and they take their time more seriously. And when they do meet someone, they stop trying to say the perfect thing. They don't overthink every text. They don't shape shift to seem easier to love. They show up as themselves and they let that be enough.
Speaker 1:When something feels off, they stop rationalizing it away. They don't settle for potential or stay out of guilt. They honor their instincts and walk away without drama. And when a relationship does form, they stop performing to keep it. They don't tiptoe or twist themselves just to hold on. They know how to ask for what they need and trust themselves enough to receive it. And then they realized the issue was never them, it was never the dating pool, it was never the men, it was never the location, it was never their weight, it was never the fact that they were older. It was never the fact that they were dark skin. Right, it wasn't the zip code, it wasn't the fact that they have kids. It was the approach. Right, it was the approach.
Speaker 1:And some of these women work with me directly. Like Sephra you've heard her on the podcast. Or Ashley, or Joan or Faith or Winnie like you can listen to all these women's stories on the podcast. Or Ashley, or Joan or Faith or Winnie like you can listen to all these women's stories on the podcast. And so many of them did not believe what they're experiencing right now was possible for them. They thought it was so far away from them and others who may have not decided to work with me for whatever reason, or couldn't join a program or couldn't afford a workshop. But they took the content seriously. They didn't just consume what I'm putting out, they practiced it. They didn't just save my post to a folder that they'd never open again. They didn't just listen to my podcast while doing the dishes and then go right back to dating like nothing had changed. They paused the episode, they wrote down the action items, they updated their bio while they listened to me. They wrote the reflection questions down and sat with them. They sent the messages to the guys instead of sitting in. What if they practiced saying no to men who were inconsistent? Instead of making excuses? They practiced asking for what they want even if a man told them no. They began practicing what they were learning instead of just consuming it.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile I have women messaging me saying, oh, like, they watch my stories, they see my client results, they watch them, they see the men that I'm dating and they'll send me a message and they say, oh man, I wish I could have that for myself. Oh man, like um, I hope I can have that one day. Or oh, tori, you give me hope. Or your, I love this for your clients. I wish it could happen for me.
Speaker 1:But whenever I ask a follow-up question of why they don't have it or what's stopping them, what comes up is oh, I don't have the time. Oh, I need some certifications first. Oh, I need to lose weight first. Oh, I don't live in the right city. Oh, my life's too full right now with work, with kids and everything. Oh, and listen, I know those reasons feel very real.
Speaker 1:Trust me, I've had clients give me every excuse in the book, every reason, but they're still just stories. They're not facts. They're not facts. They're not facts that say, because of this I can't date, because of this I can't take my love life seriously. They're stories. They're stories that sound responsible, they're stories that sound true, but they're stories that get chosen by you again and again and again and again, even when they contradict what you think you want, what you say you want, and those stories. They don't protect you, they just give you something familiar to hide behind.
Speaker 1:The real shift happens when you stop letting those stories be the final say, especially when they go against what you desire in your love life. Because when you don't challenge those stories at all, you don't just stay still, you stay stuck in something that feels safe, that looks safe but slowly steals your momentum, your self-trust and eventually, your hope in the relationship you've always desired, your hope for the family legacy that you wish to build, your hope in creating a loving, safe, thriving, supportive connection with a quality man. That is what you are consistently eroding over time when those are the stories that you hold on to. But I've never seen a woman regret finally facing the fear of trying her damnness and failing, even when it was uncomfortable, even when it didn't lead to a man to love right away. But I've seen plenty stay stuck in it for years and not realize that. I got people in my DMs now that have been struggling for five, 10 years saying the same things that they were telling me five years ago, six years ago, seven years ago. They don't realize how much time has passed, but I have and I'm like that's very valuable.
Speaker 1:Stuck looks like still thinking about the same man from two years ago. Stuck looks like still checking his page, still hoping he'll come back differently. Stuck looks like deleting the apps every six months and telling yourself dating just isn't for you. Stuck looks like helping everybody else with their lives but never putting yourself out there. Stuck looks like planning a dream wedding in your head but never telling anyone you actually want one. Stuck looks like overachieving at work, over giving at church and coming to a bed that's never shared and then telling yourself you're just too busy for love. Stuck can look like healing right, journaling, processing, going to therapy, listening to podcasts, but never actually practicing love, never putting your heart in the room, never letting anyone see you. That's what stuck really looks like. It's quiet, it's reasonable. It will steal your years if you let it.
Speaker 1:The real risk isn't doing. The real risk is doing nothing different and expecting love to just happen, because love is an embodied practice. Dating is an embodied practice. You just can't wait for it to happen. It requires skill, it requires presence and emotional clarity. You don't get that from hoping. You don't get that from telling yourself stories about why you can't have it. You don't get that with excuses. You get it from practicing it in real time and reflecting on how you show up.
Speaker 1:And that might look like noticing when you shut down and asking yourself why. It might look like we're playing a conversation with a man, not to overanalyze it, but to see where you withheld yourself or where you shaped yourself to be more likable in that conversation. Not to judge yourself in shame. Most of us, most of my, when clients come to me, they judge and they shame themselves around the conversations. That's how you stay stuck. I teach them how to reflect on it instead of judging themselves, so that they can actually make a different choice next time.
Speaker 1:Right, the practice might look like checking in after an interaction with the man and asking, oh, did I feel proud about how I showed up? Versus? Oh, did I show up right? Did this work? No, like, did I feel proud about that? If not, like, why didn't I feel proud? Because you wouldn't expect to get strong by reading about swimming, by reading about pushups, by reading about dancing.
Speaker 1:You actually have to embody the practice and dating works the same way, and if you're not ready for coaching, that's completely okay. Everyone is not ready to take that kind of step. You can still take one small action this week that stretches you, that reminds your body and your brain I'm not stuck To stop telling yourself the story that you can't have what you want. And that might look like filling out the dating profile again, even though last time it felt like men your age only wanted someone 10 years younger. It might look like filling out the dating profile again, even though last time it felt like men your age only wanted someone 10 years younger. It might look like saying yes to a date while your body looks exactly how it looks right now, instead of waiting to lose the weight first. It might look like asking your co-parent to keep the kids an extra evening, not because you have a valid reason, but because you want space for your dating life. Evening not because you have a valid reason, but because you want space for your dating life.
Speaker 1:And for those of you who baby daddies is incognito go get some friends, ask your mom something. It might look like going to that event alone, even if you're the only plus size woman in the room, and trusting that your presence still belongs. It might mean keeping the app open this time long enough to get past the disappointment and actually connect, or finally saying out loud to yourself I still want love and I'm allowed to want it even now, even here, even as I am, and I'm going to do something this week to interrupt the loop of hiding, of hoping and shutting back down, because these shifts still count. They still change things right. I have clients that come in and they're ready to do the big things, and sometimes they're discouraged when I start them off with the smaller things, because they think the big things at first is going to get them what they want. And I'm like, baby, your nervous system is not even ready for that. Let's start here, because those shifts will make domino, domino results in your life. They still change things.
Speaker 1:You don't have to get it perfect. You just have to move differently than you did the last time. And so if you're listening to this and you're thinking, oh, torah, that's me. And so if you're listening to this and you're thinking, oh, torah, that's me. I'm scared to try, I'm scared to put my all in it, I'm scared to make all the effort, I'm scared to invest because I don't want to be let down again. You're not alone. This fear makes a lot of sense, but it's not a reason to stay where you are.
Speaker 1:I'm going to tell you that right now, because the women I work with, just like you, are smart, capable and tired of second guessing themselves in dating. And when they finally commit to doing this work right, they stop spinning in fear and they start building evidence that love is actually possible, and that evidence doesn't always look like a boyfriend right away. Sometimes it's them realizing they didn't apologize for setting a boundary, something they used to do. Sometimes it's when a man called them, instead of just texting, and asked them on a date because they were very clear around what they were available for. Sometimes it's when they're finally being pursued by someone emotionally available and not just physically attracted to them. It's them walking into a room and noticing when they feel open instead of guarded. It's when they're able to say I'm not interested, without over explaining or apologizing. It's them going on a date and not replaying every word in their head afterward because they were not trying to prove everything. The same is true for you.
Speaker 1:The more evidence you collect around all of this, the more belief you build not belief in dating, belief in yourself. So, whether or not you're in a place to work with me directly, here's what I want you to do put, pick one action this week that challenge the idea that you're unlovable and you can't have what you want, not in theory, but as the woman that you are. If you're plus size woman who's convinced that men only want thin, skinny women, wear the outfit you love, not the one you think hides your body, and go somewhere you might be seen. If you're a dark skin, kinky haired woman who's internalized at your least chosen girl, if you don't take that photo where you look like you and post it where plenty of men can see it without a filter, without deflection, let yourself be visible on your own terms. If you're the mom who feels like men won't want all that comes with you, ask for support with the kids without guilt, and use that time to flirt, use that time to go out solo, use that time to rest, or simply Use that time to rest, or simply remember that you're still that woman. And if you're that quirky, deep, intelligent woman who's been told you're a lot, go on a date girl. Say the weird thing, let him see the fool you, instead of playing it safe.
Speaker 1:If you're the church girl who's been taught to put your desire on the back burner for quote-un unquote godly things, let yourself admit to God, the pastor, the singles ministry, the married ministry, at the pastor anniversary, whatever that, you still want love, not someday, not after you've done more healing, more giving, more waiting. Now, open that damn out, open your damn door. Say yes to the invitation girl, wear that rainbow lipstick, not to be chosen, but because you are no less quote unquote holy for wanting to be held. But if you do want strategy, though, if you do want guidance, if you do want real time feedback and partnership in the process that's what I'm here for, girl. If you've been thinking about coaching and you're ready to take that next step, there's a link to book, a call in the show notes, and that's the best way to explore.
Speaker 1:Working together makes sense In one-to-one coaching. I help you take intentional steps towards love, even if you've been stuck in fear for years. I help you stop stalling and start dating like a woman who believes love is possible for her. Now, with me, you'll stop holding back just to avoid being disappointed. With me, you'll stop dating like you're trying not to get hurt. You'll know exactly how to translate your growth into choices, actions and conversations that create actual movement in your love life. You'll know how to take up space, be seen and move forward without falling into the old patterns that kept love at a distance. You'll finally feel like the woman who gets to have what she wants and you'll stop wondering if love is possible and start experiencing proof that it is.
Speaker 1:Work with me to show up fully for love, even if part of you still wonders if it's possible for you. And, like I said, you can still book a sales call this month. I think I have two slots left to secure the current rate that I have. After that, the rate is going up. And if you're not in a place to invest yet, just keep listening, keep showing up, keep practicing, keep challenging the story that says love isn't for you. You deserve love either way. All right, that's it for today. If you enjoyed this episode, go ahead, let me know, send me a DM, write a review, tag me in stories, do all the things I love you, queen Bye.