Date with Cents
Date with Cents
From Divorced at 50 to Dating Multiple Men in 90 Days with Amanda S.
When Amanda got divorced at 50 after 21 years of marriage, dating felt overwhelming and exhausting. She'd deleted dating apps for six months because it felt like "too much work" and wasn't filling her bucket.
In this episode, Amanda shares her real transformation story after five months of working together. She went from people-pleasing and avoiding difficult conversations to confidently dating multiple men and describing her love life as "fruitful, fresh, and fun."
You'll hear how Amanda learned to trust herself, set boundaries without guilt, and create the dating experiences she actually wants—proving that it's never too late to rebuild your love life.
If you're ready to transform your dating life and create the confidence Amanda built, book a sales call to learn more about private 1:1 coaching with me.
Book a sales call HERE to speak with me.
OTHER POPULAR RESOURCES:
Read my online essay on why the way we date is broken- Modern Dating is Hard
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the DevaSense podcast. Okay, this episode is a really fun one that I had with another client and this is another client episode that I'm doing with a client in the middle of their journey. So today I am talking with Amanda, who's currently going into her five months into working together with me.
Speaker 1:When we started working together, she was recently divorced, after 21 years. She's 51 years old and when she got to me like she was complete, like she was like Tora, I deleted my dating apps. I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm tapped out. She was just like it's just too much, it's too much and so. But now she is dating multiple men. When she first came to me, she said she had never done it before in all her 51 years of life and she felt guilty about it. She didn't know how. And then she's also dating quality men who actually invest in her, create amazing dating experiences.
Speaker 1:You'll hear in the episode where she talks about having these reality star dates that and before she thought dating was you know, we'll just go out for drinks and and that's how dating goes, and I'm like no girl, you can have way more than that. So this episode is going to be really fun, very enjoyable and it's actually, I think, my first episode that I've done with the queen in her fifties. So hopefully, all the ladies that are listening and you feel like, oh, I'm behind, it's too late for you, this episode will really speak to you and your possibilities. So, without further ado, here's the episode. Hi, amanda hey.
Speaker 2:Tora.
Speaker 1:I'm so happy that you decided to be with me today to do this episode. So the audience, the audience knows already, because I would have told them that we've been, we're going into five months, into working together, that you are 51 years old, recently divorced. In three words. What would you, how would you describe your love life in three words.
Speaker 2:Three words. I would describe my love life as fruitful, fresh and fun. And I say fruitful because I think in Proverbs 1, 28, it, you will eat the fruit of your labor and I love that because I think we only get what we put into it and even though my vines are still really tiny and they're just starting to bear fruit, I can see that and that know empowering. And I say fresh because it is all new to me and this is, you know, every date, every interaction is a new interaction and it's fresh and it's new and it's in that way it's exciting. And then I would say fun because it is it's fun to do some things that are challenging and maybe puts you out of your comfort zone. I love working with Tora. She's fun. So it's just been, it's been fun. I really, I really enjoyed it so far. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Going back and tell the audience. We just hopped right into this. Tell the audience a little bit who about who you are. We can start with that. Back up a little bit, yeah, amanda. Tell the people who you are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I am a tech professional, I manage software engineering teams and I was married for over 20 years, divorced last year and just have two beautiful teenage kids that I love and they almost child to me. My dog and I live up in northern Vermont and it's a beautiful place and we do all the things the hiking, the mountain biking, the snowboarding, the paddle boarding, all the things we love to do, everything outside and I really um feel like I found my place here and love it now.
Speaker 1:You talked about being married for 21 years. 21 years how was it leaving a marriage of 21 years and putting yourself out in the dating world? Oh gosh At 51, 50, 50. I think you just had it yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it was 50. Um and um, yeah, it was scary. You know, getting, yeah, getting divorced is is super scary, it's it's pretty. I mean. I guess everybody's journey's different. I think mine was pretty, pretty traumatizing, um and but, but to be honest, I was so happy afterwards it was like just such a nice place to be in a way, just to kind of be like oh, this is like I am setting my own destiny, I'm the master of it and I, you know, I can kind of write whatever chapter I want to write next, and that is super amazing.
Speaker 2:The dating was incredibly challenging for me because I just hadn't done the work to decide kind of like, what am I looking for? What do I like? What would be that that you know, ideal person, you know, and kind of knowing enough about myself too, um, so it was hard and it just is overwhelming. I was overwhelmed, I, I, I hate to say it, I'm not a big shopper mainly because I just don't like a lot of choice, right, it's just too many choices and I felt, going into dating, it was too many choices and I had no idea how to like narrow it down, how to pick, how to choose. Um, yeah, and I, you know, cause I'm a P, I love people, I'm a people, I love people, I love meeting people.
Speaker 2:So it's kind of hard to sometimes be like, well, you know, how do I decide about this guy over this guy. You know, it's like maybe they're both nice, I don't know. So, um, so, yeah, I was really struggling. I got really frustrated, so much though that I deleted it off. I deleted it. I went like six months. Totally. No dating apps was just kind of being set up with friends you know, friends of friends which was was nice. But uh, I think this fall, I kind of thought what do I want my 2025 to be like? And I could bob along, you know, with the current, you know with the current, or I could take control and figure this out. And that's when I came across Dora's podcast and I listened to her like, like obsessively, for probably I don't know a couple months, I think. I practically listened to everything and finally I was like you know, amanda, I think this is exactly the person that you need to work with to get you unstuck, yeah, and since she's been fantastic, I've really enjoyed it.
Speaker 1:Listen, I'm loving all of this for you. I remember in our initial sales call and you had like you just mentioned that you deleted the dating apps. You told me you were like I've been trying to dating apps and like you deleted them for six months because you were like completely like burnt out over them. I think you mentioned you were like dating felt like a lot of work, it wasn't filling your bucket. So when you talk about, dating felt like a lot of work and it wasn't filling your bucket, what did you specifically mean there on the sales call?
Speaker 2:A lot of work. I think you know one of the well cause again, you know you're, you're sitting there and you're looking at this kind of go back to the shopping analogy at this age I'm kind of looking at guys similar age as me, right, so it's kind of a thrift store at this point it's like everything's been previously owned, previously worn, right, and so you're kind of going into this and you're just like what am I doing and who is going to be appealing? And then it's a lot of like you're starting these conversations and they're not really going anywhere and you're just like ugh, they're not fun. And so it just seems like a lot of work. That's kind of you're sifting through a lot of stuff. And then it's kind of like going into the dressing room and kind of trying to mention stuff on here, just like, and it was just not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was just felt like a lot of work and not a lot of fun for me, yeah, and you being 50 years old, and you mentioned that you didn't have a lot of time as well. Oh, you were like I'm 50. I don't, I don't have time, and you're like I'm not looking any better every day. So how how much was age playing into that struggle, into that fear?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, I think, yeah, you do feel pressure, I do feel like um, I feel great, I mean for for my age I don't feel 51.
Speaker 1:Um you don't look at either.
Speaker 2:Yeah, maybe 52 in July.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Crazy, and so I, um, but I do. I do feel like I'm like like 60 is getting closer to me, you know, and I'm just like gosh, you know. I just kind of feel like I want to have this part of my life kind of figured out, I think by the time I'm 60, that would be my ideal, you know. I don't know if I ever really want to get married again. I'm not like. I think when I first got divorced I was like hell, no, Right, Hell, no.
Speaker 2:But now you know, I think and you've talked a lot about like kind of what marriage is and marriage is and I will get a little bit on the soapbox One of the things I didn't realize when I got married was how much it really is, in a way, a business partnership Right, and you've talked about it being a legacy building kind of exercise right and um, and so there's a part of me that's like, you know, maybe with the right person there's still, there's still legacy building to build right.
Speaker 2:You know there's still things that we could be I could be doing and working on, and you know for for myself and you know, for future generations. You know there's still things that we could be I could be doing and working on and you know for for myself and, you know, for future generations of my family. So there's parts of me that thinks, you know, maybe if I found the right person, that's, that's something that I maybe be open to, but they would have to be all the things you know.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, oh, look at you moving away from not getting married, wanting to get married again, to the possibility of exploring the opportunity. I mean we can want what we want and have what we want to have. I also know that when you came you were like, okay, I'm interested in dating multiple men. I have no idea if that's going to work for for me at all. Tell, tell us about that concern that you had around that.
Speaker 2:Well, it's hard, I think. I think I for a little bit it was sort of like juggling, like how do you juggle it? Kind of you know and um, and yeah, I think it was just more about like how do you juggle handling you know, multiple guys at the same time and not feeling like you're cheating you know. That was a little bit of it, but I do definitely like the concept of it because, um, the first foray into dating I had, I actually kind of met a guy pretty much like right off the bat, and he was like wanted to be exclusive, like I think we were like three dates in, and he's like, well, I don't really like the concept of you know, you know dating multiple people, cause you know, I just I just don't want, I just can't imagine, you know, the person that I'm like hanging out with, like hanging out with the same way with somebody else, and I was like maybe, I guess you know, and so I kind of felt like I got a little like you know, arm twisted into being like yeah, okay, yeah, I won't do anybody else, and then you're just putting all your eggs in one basket and then you just feel like I feel, um, when I'm in that situation that you know, you know you're you're kind of committed and you don't.
Speaker 2:This is three dates in. What am I committing to? Right, it's, it was ridiculous, it's ridiculous. And I will say, after kind of doing having sort of having multiple, you know, guys I've been dating, um, it's so, it's, it's so much more free, I think.
Speaker 1:But let's get there. Because within you came nervous about dating multiple men. Because you were in your people pleasing era. I remember that you had an issue like feeling guilty around it. You had your first rotation within three months. Three months, your first rotation. How did it feel? I remember us being on the call together and you were just like, yeah, and I went out with him this weekend, and then we planned this trip. And then this guy. I'm like hold on, amanda, please slow down. Can we just stop and celebrate you for a second? Because, ma'am, you came here being concerned about dating Muslim Ma'amam, do you realize you have a rotation? How did it feel the moment you realized that I am doing this?
Speaker 2:Um, it felt, you know it felt, it felt good. I mean it's fun. Uh, you, I think, um, yeah, it's just, you know it's, it's so empowering to be in the position of the chooser on on some things and being like, okay, I have all these choices and that. That makes you feel good. I'll be, I'll be honest.
Speaker 2:Um, and then you know you've talked about like you kind of get to the point where you kind of do different things with different people and that's kind of fun. You know, you're not kind of waiting for one person to be like everything for you. Uh, and if something is not hitting right with one person, you're like, well, whatever it's like, oh, there's something going on. You know it's not like you're not. As I said, this one person is not your everything at that moment. You know, eventually they might be, you know, and I love that.
Speaker 2:You know, what I love about working with Tora is that I I kind of was like I don't need more therapy, I need frameworks, I need ways to think about this, and you know, and handle this.
Speaker 2:And so, um, tor has a lot of really great, I think, frameworks and methodologies for like, okay, how do you, how do you move somebody from dating to being exclusive and then on beyond that, and so it's nice to be like oh well, you know, there's like some check boxes that have to get checked before we think about moving on to the next step, and that's been super helpful for me in having conversations, because some guys are slightly surprised when you say, yeah, you know I am dating other people and they're like, huh and, but I was like, well, you know, cause these? These would be some of the things we would need to like work through in order to like have that conversation about being exclusive with each other, and there's there's still a lot of, there's still a lot of steps work through in order to like have that conversation about being exclusive with each other, and there's there's still a lot of, there's still a lot of steps.
Speaker 1:Do you do you? Do you remember the first conversation you had to have? I think it. I think you had it with E. I think you had to have the conversation with E. You were like oh man, I've been, we've been dating and I have to bring up the conversation around dating multiple men and I don't know how to do it, and then we like prep for it. How was it being able to express to him?
Speaker 2:And then how was the aftermath for you, coming from form of people pleasing, oh, okay, I will say that every conversation initially, I you know and that's one other wonderful thing about having Torres that she's basically an accountability coach too, cause you're like, well, I told her I was going to have this conversation and now I actually have to have it. So, um, I, yeah, I had two difficult conversations. The first one, I think, was actually around who's paying for the date.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, Amanda, yeah, let's talk about that.
Speaker 2:What's the first angsty one? And in that conversation he brought up the like oh well, I'm not dating anybody else. And I was like I have to have the dating everybody else conversation. But yeah, the first one was like his. Every time the bill came I was like what are we supposed to do? I don't know. This is sort of awkward. And you're like well, what do you want? Well, I don't want to be like I'm at the point in my life I want to do guys that can afford to take me out. Like you know, if you can't afford to take me out, then I just don't think we're, we're we're right for each other. I need, I need to be like that's just where I am.
Speaker 1:I'm, I'm perfectly capable of paying for my own food, but I my question to you is what got you antsy when the bill came? What about the bill coming? And, like you, looking at the bill made you feel like, oh my gosh, I don't know. I don't know what to do or what to expect.
Speaker 2:Cause I just, yeah, I don't, I well, one, because I didn't have the conversation up front. So that's, you know, that's when you don't know what to expect is, when you haven't set expectations. So, um, that's, that's part of it. And then there's part of it You're just like, okay, well, you know, I'm sure like we're about on the same financial footing. And then I kind of feel like, oh, you know, what are we doing? And then I just, I think, when we discussed this, you're like well, what is a guy paying for food, you know dinner, and taking about me to you and I'm like it makes me feel supported and provided for, right, and so that really was super helpful.
Speaker 2:And the conversation with Eric was just basically like hey, you know I like it when this happens because it makes me feel supported and provided for. I want to get your take on it. And he was like okay, no problem, like it was like not an issue at all, like it, you know, it was totally in line with, I think, what he was expecting to have to do. It was so it wasn't a problem.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that was a huge start in building your um, your confidence, and being able to communicate your needs and your desires to men, cause you just went on a a desire tour, I think after that, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So we went. So you were able to tell um E about dating multiple men. How was his reaction?
Speaker 2:And the dating multiple men cause in that. Then the pain for conversation was like, oh well, I'm not dating anybody else. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, no. So then I'm like, oh, we have to have this conversation.
Speaker 2:And so, and I had another conversation where I was like, look, um, he's just not in a real great point. Um, he's going through a divorce and all this kind of stuff. So there's just, he's just not ready and um, and it was super uncomfortable because he went quiet for, I think, like a day, yeah, so, and I was like, oh, no, like this is awful, this is like, oh, my gosh, he's not talking to me, he doesn't like me anymore. And you're like, he's just processing, he's just processing and I'm like, okay, and then he did and it was fine, and then I didn't have to worry about going out on other dates or anything else because you know, yeah, so out of the way, got it out of the way. Um, yeah, so that was good and yeah, I think now I just realized, gosh, you know one, it's, it's great and I feel much more capable to have these conversations up front early on.
Speaker 2:But also, the um sky does not fall down when you do have them, and absolutely it's fine, and if it's not fine, you know, we've had other things where I told that guy about you know, dependability, you know he didn't show up for a call on time and then I said, hey, you know, I really value guys that are dependable and he was like see you later.
Speaker 1:And we and we got rid of him very, very fast. We were able to not spend time because I remember when we first connected, you had spent six weeks with a guy you knew was incompatible, from the day one. Day one, yeah, day one. And we're not doing that anymore. We're not wasting six weeks with a guy that we know is incompatible, so I'm very proud of you there. Going back to your desire tour, there was a place where you were like, okay, I don't, I'm not sure who this guy was, I can't remember, but you were like, oh, I want him to take me to a spa, I want him to book this spot, I want to be able to do that. And you're like, how do I ask him to do that? Do you remember that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how was it to be able to communicate to a man what you're looking for for for a day date and him being able to reserve a spot for you and to do the activities that you wanted him to do for you? Yeah, how was that?
Speaker 2:It was um, um, it's gosh, it's it again. It's like not outside of my comfort zone for sure, uh, but it it was yeah, just saying like hey, you know, I really want to do this, I think it'll be really fun and relaxing. And um, yeah, and would you be able to to this? You know, I don't remember exactly what I said, but I like had this email and I think I sent it to you. You're like that sounds great. I was like great, oh, I sent it.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and you started trusting yourself even more and more, being able to make requests. I know that I mentioned to you cause I think you said I'm tired of doing drinks, I don't want to do drinks anymore, Like those kind of dates are kind of boring. And I was like, well, what do you want to do? What would you like to do if we're not doing drinks? And you're like, well, there's not much out here to do. And I was like Amanda, I think there's plenty of things to do that match your desires. And I was like I think I told you to make a list of like how many things?
Speaker 2:I think you said like probably 20 things or something, 20.
Speaker 1:It was 25.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 25.
Speaker 1:25 desire dates that you would love a man to take you on. So we didn't have to be concerned when a man was ready to go on a date with you or y'all were going, y'all were matching. You would not be confused on what to tell him because you were tired of drinks. And I remember you saying Tori, I can't think of 25 things. What happened?
Speaker 2:Well, I actually sort of kind of crowdsourced Doesn't matter Because I went, I was talking to my friends, I was like, I'm like what you know what would be some really amazing fun dates around here and we came up like I have a huge fricking list of amazing cool places all around the area and neat, you know, whether it's hiking or you know, like art exhibitions or cool museums. It's just there's a bunch of stuff like and I'm excited because, there's a lot of stuff I haven't.
Speaker 2:I've never done so I'm yeah, so I'm happy to have guys take me there, and I do want to preface this.
Speaker 1:She lives in a small town, a very small town, and that was one of the things she was concerned about. She was like Tora, I live in a small town, um, and I I don't want to be seen out in public with people. How are you feeling about that now? Amanda Like dating in public because everybody knows everybody in the town. So now that you've been dating multiple men, how?
Speaker 2:have you been feeling? Ah, you know, it's fine. It's fine, you know, I guess I just, you know, you kind of just can't care. I think that much about is thinking, you know, you just kind of got to do, do you?
Speaker 2:and so I, I know, and there are times too where I, I kind of specifically ask, like let's get out of town, you know, because absolutely you know because, also one, I've done a lot of stuff in town like it's that, like a new and interesting experience, so, um, you know, doing there's, there's a lot all over. So, um, getting out, getting out of Dodge sometimes is is is good. So, um, yeah, it's not that big of a deal. I just I think I've gotten, I've gotten over it.
Speaker 1:I knew you were going to get over it. I knew it wasn't going to be a big deal and I'm so happy for you. I want to to talk about when we first connected on our sales call. One of the things that you mentioned is that I go on a lot of first dates. They don't lead into anything else because the first date is just like I don't feel anything, nothing happens, I don't feel anything. But then we got into coaching and we figured out why you was not feeling anything. You want to talk about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you know I, by nature, as I said, I'm a people person. I love people, but I am not a very I'm a pretty risk adverse type, you know, and I don't really want to, like you know, put myself really out there If I'm not 100% certain. So I think one of it was intentionality, right, really thinking about what you want to feel, how you want to feel, and being really intentional about that, like you know, and and we were chatting before this podcast about this date I went on and you know it was. It was kind of this guy that, like you know, and and we were chatting before this podcast about this date I went on and you know it was, it was kind of this guy that, like you know, resurfaced from my hinge dating days now that I guess he sees me on Bumble and I was like okay, I don't remember him being spectacular, but like what do I want this to be like for me? Like if I'm going to go out to dinner, like like what do I want to feel and how do I want to feel? And I ended up having a great time. He was like, not again, not for me, but I still had an amazing time because I was enjoying myself and I was enjoying the food. I was just enjoying the atmosphere, um, and it was really, it was really lovely, like I really truly.
Speaker 2:When he texted me afterwards telling me he had a great time, he had, I was like you know what? I had a really great time too. Um, you're not for me, but I had a great time, you know, um, and so yeah, uh, so it's intentionality. The other thing too is being intentional about, like um, about starting that chemistry, cause you don't feel chemistry with people unless you kind of you know you're getting close to them, you know you kind of lay your hand on their arm, you know give them a hug, you know that kind of stuff. That's, you know you gotta be, gotta be a little bit more open. And so now I kind of think of like honestly, like right, when somebody walks in, I'm just kind of like, kind of big, big hug. Who is this?
Speaker 1:person, amanda. Y'all don't see I'm over here snapping my fingers. I'm over here pointing at her because I'm like who are you? I remember when you refused to do it because you wanted the person to be the one to lead the chemistry, to lead the openness, because you wanted to guarantee that that man was going to pour all of that into you before you opened up. But that's the reason why there were no second dates, no third dates is because it was a lack of open girl. Who are you today? Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:You remember, like just talking about that, do you remember the guy M that we? I was like I just don't know, silver Fox?
Speaker 1:Yes, silver Fox, I remember we got on the call together and you were like I don't think he's interested. He seems kind of like you know, cold a little bit. And I was like Amanda, hold on, how did you show up on the date? And I said let me see your text messages. I said let me see your text messages. Pull up your text messages right now. And you pull them up. Just pull up your text messages right now. And you pull them up and I saw this long ass message of, like you talking about your girls and about what you had, what you had to do, and at the very end you slid in oh, by the way. Basically it didn't say by the way, but it was a by the way ass message. It was like, oh, and I had a great time, I had great time with for drinks last night and I was like Amanda, look at this fine man, cause he is a silver Fox.
Speaker 1:I said, did you enjoy this man? Cause you, talking about you, enjoy the drinks. You acted, you talked about you enjoyed the drinks. I said did you enjoy this man? Do you think this man is attractive? Like, what do you love about this man? And you just talked about like how he was fit and how intelligent he was and like all the things. And I'm like, did you say any of that? You were like, no, I was like, why not? And so you sent him your first intentional flirting message. Cause I was like, cause she was like Tora, I don't know how to flirt, yes, and I was like flirting isn't what you think it is. Tell me, tell us more about how you had to ease into that.
Speaker 2:Uh, that was super, super uncomfortable and super awkward. And you made me write it. And you made me send it, like I have never used the heart emoji ever. And you're like, no, we're using the heart emoji. And I'm like, oh my God, I've never used the heart emoji before, and so we send it. He's like like, maybe 12 hours later he writes back. Oh, you too.
Speaker 1:No, he said. He said more than that. He was like oh, like you're like what you too? No, he said more than that. He was like oh, like you're cute too, and I think you're smart. He was like I think you're smart, you're cute too, and I think you kind of freaked out about that. You were like this is all he said, and I was like Amanda, I need you to understand that when we exist in a pattern, the men are going to mirror that pattern until, like, we break out of it. So the more you lean in, the more men are going to open up and lean into you. And have you seen that to be true?
Speaker 2:Yes, I have seen that to be true. People definitely mirror each other, and so you kind of have to be what you want to see, and that's. I think that's hard, it's hard and it takes a lot of.
Speaker 1:Again, going back to intention, yeah, cause a lot of women was like I don't, you know, I need him to do it first. You're not the only one, amanda, who has told me that, like I don't want to be the one to do it, I don't want to be seen chasing. But it's not about chasing. It's about embodiment and being on the frequency of what you want to create and call in. And if you're always the person who's embodied with that frequency, you won't have trouble attracting that for yourself. Did you know that you were the one that inspired me to create the podcast how to Flirt Like a Grown Woman? Did you know you were the client?
Speaker 2:I think so because I think you had a little blurb where I was like that sounds a lot like me.
Speaker 1:I literally I created it because of our experience together and that has been one of the most downloaded episodes that we've had of like women just taking an episode to learn how to quote unquote flirt, but like flirt like a grown woman and not some teenage damsel in distress, like someone really grown. So, yeah, thank you for that. Thank you for that. A lot of people have used that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, I use it and I think a lot of it is kind of as you said. It's how can you be absolutely authentic, what are you observing that you like or are enjoying, and just say it. Yeah, so it's not hard, it's just you just have to kind of get into that habit. And again, we only get better at what we practice, right, so you just have to practice.
Speaker 1:I'm like who are you? Because now you're just intentionally just showing up and doing it. You've been trusting yourself more, trusting your spidey senses. Let's talk about like you getting really curious about me, cause I remember you making sharp judgments and like I am done, I am out of here. Let's talk about you switching that from like to being very curious and open.
Speaker 2:Yes, well, you know, that's actually a really it's been.
Speaker 2:You know, I think when we first, I think even on the sales call, I remember being like I think I need more of a life coach with like a dating flavor, and you're like, yeah, that's kind of what this is, and because a lot of these things are helpful regardless, right, and curiosity, oh man, curiosity is where it's at with almost everything and I use it at work.
Speaker 2:Honestly, you know, I was just coaching somebody on how to give somebody feedback and I said you know, you're feeling this way and that, coming across as a judgment to you, like this person did this and I judged them to be awful for whatever they did, and I was like, but we don't know why they're doing what they're doing, right, so you just kind of have to say, like what you're observing and then being open and curious to learning why they're doing it, and that has been super helpful. I remember going back to the Spidey sense guy. There was that one guy that was tingling all my Spidey senses is wrong and you're like, you're like Amanda, I was going to let you do it.
Speaker 2:It was day one and you knew it and yet you kept like going down anyway. But but he was good practice in the kind of checking and then being curious about it. Um, like, oh, you did this and that was really interesting to me. Why would you do that? You know, like, I just tell me more. Tell me more, this is the best. Just tell me more, and that's been super helpful. Just tell me more about that. So that's in the curiosity and the like, wanting to inspect, right, your inspection mechanisms, like that's curiosity there. And then there's just curiosity and being like not putting a lot of weight into outcomes, but just being kind of curious as these people, as people, and being like, okay, you know, what can I learn about them? And and regardless of where it goes, you know, just like, let's have a nice conversation, let's be fun.
Speaker 2:I think in one of your episodes you talked a lot about how the social apps are toxic, because people are toxic on them.
Speaker 2:And if you don't, you know like we could be the, the, the happy, bright light. You know, I just think, ah, she's like, how hard is it to give somebody a compliment, right, um, and just make their day, even if they never, you know, text you back or whatever. It's like yeah, I'm sure that was a little nice little hit of like a little ray of sunshine that you just like put out to them and you know, so I I try to think about that and just being more open and curious in that way too. Again, I'm like who is this? Yeah, I know.
Speaker 2:And that's where it makes it fun, that's where, like dating apps, like before, we're so draining because you're like oh, you know, this conversation went nowhere. Well, now I kind of have the conversations I want to have and if they're like and sometimes they just do, like that was they, they ran their course that I don't have to be like, oh, he sucks, or that was not what I wanted, or, you know, it doesn't have to have any of that Like, I can just be like okay, you know.
Speaker 1:Moving on, that's amazing, amanda, amazing and I'm going to call him M2, where your spidey senses was tingling and tingling and tingling and one of the things that I don't do with clients I do not tell clients to stop talking to men at all. Like, clients have to be able to build the muscle in their own bodies, in their own intuition, their own self-trust, and you handled that so well. I remember when the spidey senses started tingling and you had awareness around it, I had questions because I wanted to point you to it and you were, and I said it's up to you, what would you like to do here? And you were like I want to be more curious, like I want to explore. I'm like, okay, let's do it. And then each time, like you marked it, like you put the location there, you pinned them, you pinned them, and then you were like, all right, tora, I'm done.
Speaker 2:Yeah them. And then you were like all right, Tora, I'm done. Yeah, I'm actually done, I've got enough data. I'm like I'm done.
Speaker 1:I'm so done with him. And you're like, yeah, yeah, you are. You should have been done with him. I was never going to tell you that because I want you to trust yourself, but you are able, Cause if I told you that, like there would have been some resistance because you were not done. But when you got done, I'm like that's that's. That's what I'm talking about, amanda looking at the data and making a decision. I'm so excited about that, so excited about that. Now let's talk about you previously thinking you were matching with men out of your league. Come on, amanda, like who's out of your league?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know it's it is it's.
Speaker 2:It's it's just kind of getting to the point where you know there's your sort of safety zone, I think, where you're like okay, I can play safely here, you know, um, and then there's your, your stretch zone and that's kind of where I'm kind of like you know, okay, I can play safely here, you know, and then there's your, your stretch zone and that's kind of where I'm kind of like, you know again, kind of coming into what's fruitful, what's fresh, what's fun is like starting to like branch out of safety zone. Right, and the branching out to like things that make are more expansive, that make me maybe feel a little bit more challenged, maybe a little bit more uncomfortable, and kind of seeing where that goes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Speaking of challenging and uncomfortable. So you remember the big thing you did in Boston at the hotel bar. Tell us about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so I had been, I was down in Boston and I had gone out the night before to the hotel bar and just like wasn't on my phone, um, I think eventually I sort of chatted with the ladies next to me, but that was like it, and I just kind of was. I just remember leaving and just being, like I had on my red lipstick, I looked amazing and I didn't talk to a single other person that's the least next to me and you were like well, did you go talk to any guys? I was like no, of course I didn't. Why would I do that? Um, and uh, I was, yeah, I felt really bummed about it and just, and so then you were like so the next time you go out, you need to to make an effort, you need to, you need to put yourself out there, you need to talk.
Speaker 2:So I went to this other restaurant and sat at the bar and he was chatting with like older guy next to me for a little while and then, pretty much I don't know, it was kind of maybe kind of later, like after kind of the initial after work bar scene had died down and it was just me and then this other guy came in and he sat like two chairs away and you know he's cute, nice, and he kind of looked like he came there quite a bit because he was chatting with the bartenders and I said, hey, I'm just going to scoot down closer to you so that I'm not hanging out over here all by myself. Yeah, and we ended up having a great time. I think we exchanged numbers. I didn't really go anywhere, but we had a like a really, really fun dinner and um, and it was, it was a lot of fun, yeah.
Speaker 1:How did it feel being the woman that avoided that and just waited for people to come to her, to being the woman that created an experience with men in that way?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, again, you're in the driver's seat and I think, again, what I talked about when I got divorced is that, I guess kind of really coming into that you are the master of your destiny, you are the, you know, lead character in your own life and you gotta do things. And, and you know, there's always this gosh, you know, I think everything that I've ever done in my life that has really truly been awesome has always, always had a lot of fear in it. Right, it's, those are the things that are. They pay off the biggest, and even these little fears, I mean, of just like rejection, you know, I mean gosh, there's just, there's no reward without rejection. It just, unfortunately, you know, they kind of go together and and so if you can kind of handle that um, potential um, in a way that you, you know, doesn't like tear you down and you're just like okay, whatever, and you can just move on, um, then then I think that's that's a really healthy place to be.
Speaker 2:And I getting that, that, that point, and I didn't actually tell you this but um, so there was this guy tell you this, but um, so there was this guy, um, that a friend of mine was chatting with at a bar on Saturday and I walked in and I was like, oh my gosh, he's so cute. And she's like, oh yeah, that's my friend, jeff, you know, oh, jay.
Speaker 1:Reacted redacted.
Speaker 2:And, um, you know he's, you know he's, he's divorced, divorced, blah, blah, blah blah. And I was like well, is he single? She's like oh, I think so. And she's like oh well, maybe I'll see if he wants your number right. And I said I was like oh yeah, sure, whatever. And then later that day I said you know what, actually, no, ask him, say that. I said he was cute and that I want his number.
Speaker 1:Who are you, Amanda?
Speaker 2:And you know what it ends up. He has a girlfriend, so it doesn't matter. But, like you know, but I don't have to like before I think I would have been like, oh my God, I asked for his number and he doesn't have a girlfriend, like I'm so horrible and now I'm not. It doesn't, doesn't bother me.
Speaker 1:Who are, and now I'm not, it doesn't, doesn't bother me. Who are you now? Oh my goodness, that is incredible, because we don't even care about the result, because with power like that, you're going to get what you want. You're going to get what you want. With power like that and embodiment like that, that is so good. You didn't tell me that, oh my goodness, we're going to be able to celebrate on our is so good. You didn't tell me that, oh my goodness, we're going to be able to celebrate on our calls so good. Yeah, oh my gosh. Let's talk about the reality of this work. You've had disappointments like. You've had disappointments where, like men did not work out or where men were like okay, well, I think you know we might not be the best fit. It might be a best fit elsewhere. Men who seem really great initially but just not working out, like. How do you stay motivated when dating feels like two steps forward and one step back at times?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's. You know, I think sometimes when there are those setbacks, it does take a little bit of time to be able to regroup, Um. But I again, I think that, um, gotta go back to my thrift store analogy. You know, those people who are really good at thrifting, it's because they know exactly what they're looking for, they know that brand that they want to find, they know exactly the thing, Right, and they're really good at it. They're like, they come out and they're like, oh my God, I just found this Chanel jacket, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, for 50 bucks, something crazy. I have a friend that's like that and I'm always like, how do you do that? It's because she knows exactly what she's looking for, Right. And so now, when I go on the app, it's kind of more like oh, you know, am I going to find that Chanel jacket, Like it's, it's in there? You know, I just kind of have to. I have to go starting through some racks, you know, but it makes it more fun, Right, Cause now it's like it's it's.
Speaker 1:It's kind of this thing you know it's like an activity. It's like you know it's not. I'm not confused, I'm not burned out, I'm not overwhelmed.
Speaker 2:I know exactly what I'm looking for Exactly what I'm looking for. I have that now, after working with you, that is so much more distilled in my mind, and so you just you kind of know it when you see it kind of thing.
Speaker 1:And so I'm just like keep looking, just like I'm like and when you said like it's take some time to recover, and when you said like it's take some time to recover, let's talk about that, because your time taking has been like 24, 48 hours, right, like when you say it takes some time. Let's actually talk about what that actually means for you now versus in the past.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So in the past it was like deleting the apps. And now I'm just sort of like Ooh, you know, that was a little, it was a little hit to my ego. Um, I didn't see that coming or something like that. Um, but yeah, I think you just go. Okay, you know what does this, what does this mean, what does this look like? And then you realize, okay, I still have still a whole sea of men. I have a whole thrift store full of men in my apps. Right now, you know there's more where those came from.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know recently we talked about the disappointment of it not working out with Silver Fox and one of the things that we talked about on the call because you had some disappointment, like we had to feel the grief of that, like we don't just act unbothered when a man we really like doesn't work out Like you want to talk about that feeling of loss and grief of a man you like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you know it's funny because it was not. I think there's there's one I did like him. I think a lot of it was just sort of the surprises. We had gone on such fantastic date, like like reality TV show quality date, like it was very nice, and so like a week later, to be like he's like, oh, you know, I think I'm going to focus in on, you know, another woman I'm dating. I'm like, oh, like that was so much fun, like I would do that again, uh, so you know, I think it was.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's hard when you kind of get, but I think we talked a lot about connection versus attachment, right, and I think where I landed with that, it was like that was a really nice connection and I enjoyed spending time him and that date was absolutely lovely and but I'm not attached to him. I was never attached to him and so you know I can be sad that I'm probably not going to get to go on another really awesome date like that with that particular guy, but it doesn't mean that I can't do that again with some other guy and that there won't be other guys that we will have. We'll have just as good a date.
Speaker 1:So that's your that's your baseline now, man. That's another thing I want to say, because you've created all these experiences with these men and one of the ways that you've done that was to let each man know what your standard was. You have been very clear about the experiences. You have been sending men things and saying, please book, please reserve this is how I would love to experience this and these men have risen to the occasion. So it wasn't Silver Fox creating for this for you, it was you. And then you leaned in emotionally, you opened yourself up. That was another skill that you learned how to do because it was hard for you in the past, that you learn how to do because it was hard for you in the past. So when you come and tell me I just had a reality TV show day, I had like this world star date, all I'm thinking of is all the future ones you're going to have like that. I never attach it to a man Cause I'm like Amanda created this, she did this for herself and she's going to keep doing it. So that's what I get excited about is a man is going to have so many reality TV show dates. The man is gone, but Amanda's creation is still creating. She still has a skillset, cause I know what we talked about on the call was that you were not starting from scratch.
Speaker 1:No matter what happens with any man, I know like people say like, oh, I don't want to start from scratch, but you have the skills, amanda. You have the skill set. You're clearing your people, pleasing. You have the skill set of building really strong boundaries. You have the skill set of expressing your desires. Now you have the skill set of high connection with men, but low attachment. That's a skill set. A lot of us do not have that skill and you've built that skill yourself. You have the skill set of dating multiple men without feeling guilty. That is a skill set. You have the skill set of dating in a small town, low population. These are all skills, and you know what? So you also have a skill of creating a community of people that want to set you up with people. Yeah, how does that feel?
Speaker 2:It feels good. It feels, yeah, I mean all of that feels good, but I don't. I would not have gotten here without calling you. I mean that was the first step to doing all of this because you know, I had listened to all these podcasts. But, like you know, and it's, and what's interesting is that it's it's all the content that Torah puts out is, you know, it's it's all things that we talk about too. I mean there's nothing she's hiding, really at all. It's really you're. You know I'm getting a lot of that.
Speaker 2:But, like you have somebody that it's like watching YouTube videos of people playing golf versus having a golf pro walking you through your own strokes. That is the difference, I think, between listening to the content versus Because it'll come up. I'll be like, oh yeah, I listened to that podcast. Did I internalize that? And like really understand, how do I action that? No, exactly Doing it. And you're like, hey, see, when you're doing this, this is how it's.
Speaker 2:You know, we all, I think we've talked about inputs, like what are you inputting in? And then what output is it producing? And then, if you want to change the outputs, then look at what you're putting in and so, um, I think you know, having somebody that you can talk through that with, who is like I think with the guy you know, m2, um, that was like like all my spidey senses were tingling, you know, it was so shocking. Even you were like you brought up something you had written like from like day one, and I was like, oh my gosh, I read that and it just went right over my head and then you reread it to me again. I was like that was exactly, exactly it.
Speaker 2:Like you were like maybe you should check in on this, Maybe you should like listen to you. And is this an opportunity to like, um, enforce a boundary, Like, oh yeah, maybe this went on.
Speaker 1:I was like she's going to figure it out. I trust her.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we read that. I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, I trust you to figure it out, I trust her.
Speaker 1:We read that I was like okay, yeah, yeah, I trust you to figure it out and you've done incredible work so amazing the ups, the downs, the disappointments, the wins and I would like to do some quick rapid fire advice from Amanda. But before we get to that, like Amanda's completely correct Listening to, I give all of my information away. I never hold anything back. So everything I give to you, you can implement on your own. But if it's not working, you probably have some blind spots. That's why it's not working and that's where I come in at All. Right, let's do some rapid fire. I'm going to try something new. You're the first person I'm trying this out with Amanda's advice. So quick advice round for women who's overwhelmed by dating apps, what's one thing she should do today?
Speaker 2:I would say you know one being really intentional when you're like swiping that was the other thing I was like you just don't want to swipe on junk. You got to really know what you're looking for and you have a great methodology for that. So wherever I'm sure Tora can plug in the podcast for how to sort through men I think being super intentional brings the cream to the top and so you're not spending or wasting energy on people that are just going to be energy sucks. So don't do that. So I would say like being intentional and then being like having then what you are talking to, somebody, having the conversations you want to have. I remember there was one time where I was talking to this guy and I asked him about his sauna. You're like, I mean, do you really?
Speaker 1:care about his sauna? You didn't give a damn about that man's sauna. Why the hell are you asking?
Speaker 2:I was just wanting to have a conversation, but like being really clear about the conversations that you want to have, I think is helps make that online dating experience better, like you're talking to better men and the conversations you're having are better.
Speaker 1:For the woman who has been married for years and who is back in the dating market. What advice would you give her?
Speaker 2:One. I would say it is really important to sort out your own shit first. Sorry, swearing Sort out your own stuff first is key, um, and because I will say and this is a mistake I made I was really still really angry and really bitter when I got divorced and no guy there is not a single man out there that wants to hear it at all. They don't want to hear it. So you need to be in a place where you can keep your absolute mouth shut about whatever you have going on with your ex. Just don't even just like. If you cannot do that, then you have no business dating.
Speaker 2:In my opinion, you need to be at a place where you can let that bitterness go and you can just be that open, creative, happy person, because you have to be like if I want to date guys that are not angry and bitter and whatever, then they don't want to date. They don't want to date that and a woman. So you have to think like what kind of I want to be? You have to be the person you want to date. You have to be the person you want to date and you have to get to that point, in whatever journey you're on, to be the person you want to date. That would be my advice to people who are recently divorced they got to be the person you want to date.
Speaker 1:How about for the people pleasing good girl who struggles setting boundaries with men?
Speaker 2:you will be so much happier learning to set boundaries. You will be so much happier and you'll be like why on earth did I not do this before? Like why, why? Why, I don't know. I like I look back on it, this is just one of these weird mental things. You're like I don't know why I had such an issue with boundaries and thinking like why some man's you know what it is, it's holding men to this high esteem and their opinion of you being the most important thing, which you know what it is not. It is not the most important thing.
Speaker 2:So you know, once you kind of let go of having you know your, somehow, your, you know self-worth, attached to what somebody else thinks of you, the better off you are. And it takes a while to get there and it takes practice. And that's why having Tora as your coach really helps you, because it's it's like having somebody be like, yeah, you've got to have that conversation. And you're like I this is why I'm in these, you know relationships that don't work out is because I hate having these conversations. These are this. This is exactly what I do not like to do. This is exactly what I find the most uncomfortable. And then you go in there and it's like jumping off that like tall diving board, and you're like, oh, you jump in and you're like, okay, actually this is fine Right.
Speaker 1:I didn't die. And what would you tell a woman who's 45, 50, 55, and she's hesitating about um putting herself out there or even investing in dating coaching, Cause she thinks it's too later, that she's too old?
Speaker 2:Oh um gosh, like again, kind of going back to you know, you have a choice you can live the life you want or you don't live the life you want. And I, you know, I, I still feel like I have a lot of life in me and a lot of life ahead of me and I am thinking about what that looks like and I want to be very, you know, intentional in crafting that. And so, yeah, I mean I, I, I do as I said, I did feel like pressure initially because I'm like, oh my gosh, how many years do I have life? Like, what is this gonna be like when I'm 60, doing this like ah, but you know what I, I think, you know, if you, again, if you think and you get to the point where you're thinking of dating as sort of a value add to your life, then it can be fun. It can be fun and it can be interesting, it can be rewarding, it can be fruitful, fruitful, fresh and fun.
Speaker 1:Ooh, I love it Fruitful, fresh and fun. So we have a few months left working together. You're clearly not the same woman that called me what early this year into last year, so what has been the most surprising part of this journey so far for you?
Speaker 2:What has been the most surprising part? Yeah, that that I can do this. This is not something that only you know, other people can do. Like I can do this, like I can do this, like this is something I have in me and like, and again kind of talking about how these it translates into other aspects of your life You're like, okay, where else can I be more fearless? Where else can I lean into being more challenged? So I think in, yeah, I think that's been. I think the kind of the biggest thing for me is just, and it's like how all this advice is just so good.
Speaker 2:I mean, and I'm always telling my girlfriends that are single and dating, like I'm always like well, I'll tell you what to do, try to pass some of this, this wisdom and wisdom, on down and spread it out. But, um, I just think that having a coach like Tora has just been, um, really, uh, as I said, really helpful for me. Um, and just independent third party, I mean, like she's you know, she, she, she, she can just tell you like it is. Like she's you know, I mean, she's only invested in that she wants the best for you, but it's you know, that's, that's great. Like I have somebody who is not in my town, doesn't know any of these people, and just can kind of tell me her, her, her perspective and kind of guide me along the way. And she's, she's very good at it, though she's like very nuanced, I you know, as you said, like there are things where I'm like wow, she knew that. And then now I see it, now I see what she was talking about.
Speaker 1:It's like oh, okay, yeah, you have to grow in your own time. I can't, I can't be the one to do it. That's where it's coaching, right, it's coaching, yeah. So what are you most excited to work on in our final months of working together?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm wanting to work on that, pushing into that more expansive zone, that challenge zone, getting out of my safety zone I'm excited about that, yeah, more super hot men, more super hot dates, building the newest rotation that we have coming up.
Speaker 1:So that's very, very exciting. Okay, this was so amazing to be able to come speak to you today. It was a wonderful conversation. Tell the people what's next for you.
Speaker 2:I am, I'm just, I'm well right now. We're working on maybe going on Hinge, because I deleted Hinge last time. Did you complete your online prep prompts? I'm still working on my prompts. It's very.
Speaker 1:It's very because I want to do your profile together.
Speaker 2:On, on our call, yeah, yeah yeah, so, um, but it's been kind of fun, because we started off with tinder, remember, and you're like I don't. After a while I was like I don't know. You're like, yeah, this is not the. Yeah, we tried it.
Speaker 1:I mean I'm open to all of them. I just think I don't know You're like, yeah, this is not the app. Yeah, we tried it. I mean I'm open to all of them. I just think that it wasn't going to work where we were at. I was like, can we get on Bumble? Let's try.
Speaker 2:Now we're going to try Hinge back in again, because I kind of like Hinge, so yeah, so I'm excited. I think that'll be fun. You and I have my whole long list of fun dates that I'm going to get to go on this summer and it's going to be great. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Speaker 1:Thank you, amanda. I appreciate you so much for coming to speak to me and the ladies, and I look forward to what we do in the next few months. So, yeah, thanks for coming, girl.
Speaker 2:All right Okay.
Speaker 1:Bye. All right, that's the episode. I don't care how old you are, I don't care what your relationship status is Single, divorced, widowed, like I don't care. That episode had something for everyone, and I just want you to listen for the possibility, and listen not just for the wins but also the reality of the work that goes behind those wins. There's ups, there's downs, but overall it's such a transformational experience and it will improve every era of your life.
Speaker 1:Whenever I tell clients, this is not just about a man, this is about who you are as a woman and how you relate to the world, I mean that. I really mean that. So I hope you were able to listen to this episode, get inspired and be able to implement immediately. And then, for those of y'all who want to do deeper work and really get a transformation as well, I'm not sure at the time of this recording if I will have more one-on-one slots available, but I definitely have some opportunities to work with me live this summer. So I'm going to talk about them a little bit more, maybe on the next episode. But yeah, stay tuned, girl, stay encouraged and until next time, bye.