Date with Cents
Date with Cents
How I’m Healing Through My Breakup (Plus Lessons Learned)
My relationship with Latin Papi ended abruptly after a few years of dating, I had a choice: collapse or confront it with complete honesty. I chose the path that would transform my heartbreak into healing…and I'm sharing every raw detail with you.
In this deeply personal episode, I'm taking you behind the scenes of my recent breakup and showing you what conscious healing looks like in real time. You'll hear about the night it happened, the messy days that followed, and how I stayed with myself through the pain instead of running from it.
This isn't just about my story….it's about showing you that your breakup can become your biggest breakthrough. That grief has power in it. That you can feel heartbreak and stay open to love at the same time. And that the same energy that breaks your heart open can be exactly what breaks you through to your next level.
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@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sins podcast. Ooh, today is going to be a very raw episode. I'm feeling very tender and I'm going to be really transparent about something that's happening. Going to be really transparent about something that's happening. So those of y'all listen to my podcast episode about why I'm not going exclusive in May with the two guys that I have been dating Latin Poppy and Big Body Benz and what I was going to do instead be in big body bins and what I was going to do instead. So, as of now, latin Poppy and I have broken up, we've parted ways and it's so so, it's so sad. I'm feeling extremely tender about it all and I wanted to share about what's been happening on my end, not as a like a tea spilling session or like to just share my business, as to be sharing it. I'm sharing this to take you behind the scenes and also not to get sympathy, for sure, not to bash anybody, but I just want to show what conscious healing actually looks like in real time, because, oh girl, it is messy, it is human, but it's also extremely powerful. And if you're going through your own season of loss right now, or if you have been in a season of loss that you still haven't overcome. This episode is absolutely right up your alley. So back to Latin Poppy.
Speaker 1:Y'all have watched me date him publicly over the past year. I have been talking about him on the podcast. I have shared some of our amazing moments, highlights, on Instagram, on stories. I've posted the trips we've gone on. I've posted how he showed up for me. One of the big events is when he invested 15K into my business and I didn't have to pay anything back. Like these are like really big moments, like even the small moments that we had from you know us just going to grab coffee together, going to church together, to just being able to navigate what moving through exclusivity would look like for us, like we shared it. So you've seen the highlights, you know. You've seen the romance, you've seen the joy that we've shared, joy that we've shared.
Speaker 1:And so now that that chapter has closed and it actually ended very abruptly, like it was what I mean by that it ended abruptly, but it wasn't supposed to be that way. When I announced to you guys a few weeks ago that I wasn't going exclusive, but I had already communicated to these men back in April that it was a no-go. I already communicated. When I told Big Body Benz, I was like hey, we're not in alignment, based upon blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this man said, girl, fuck you. He said, girl, fuck you, we are in alignment. He said if you don't think we're in alignment, when you have a tire, when your tires on your car is out of alignment, you go to the shop and get it maintenance. That's all we need. I was like you could be in fantasy, all you want. But that was his response, but that was a joke on him, like he's also very clear that you know we're not moving anywhere.
Speaker 1:And then I, the conversations that I've been having with Papi around um and I talked about like the leadership piece, like he needed to have pull rank on me and I wasn't. I'm not able to say no or to be able to pull out of a decision that he would want to make if we were a married couple. And so we've had a lot of conversations around it. I was like, hey, like if we're, if this is the hill you're going to die on, you know if this is the hill you're going to die on, because I remember one day he mentioned he said, yeah, if I want to come home and shut everything down and say you know, you can't work today because I want to do like a three hour Bible study session with the family and I'm like, I'm not opposed, but the fact that you need it to happen, and if I can't say hey, like hey, what about later? Like that is a problem. You know, and I mentioned I was like this is not going to work. This is absolutely not going to work.
Speaker 1:And and we continue to have conversations around it, and we had decided that, okay, we're not going to work and we're probably uncouple very soon, but we're going to have a last hurrah, we're going to go to Puerto Rico for my birthday and we'll talk about what uncoupling looks like when we get back. We'll talk about what it looks like. We'll talk about how to un-intertwine our lives, because our lives are very, very intertwined. Many of you know that the house that I'm in he put me in it, right, he was able to get this house for me to be in and so we would like untangle our lives and like, just talk about things. But on, we had we also had some, some dates planned and, and all of this is because, like, the love was real, like the connection was deep with us. But relationships, they definitely have a path to end, even when love is present. And like we knew that because we both had paths that did not align with each other long-term, based upon the conversations that we had. And so this wasn't just about losing a boyfriend, right, this was losing someone who had been woven into my daily life, my emotional rhythm, my sense of partnership for a while now.
Speaker 1:And the night that it happened, I had been coming. I was on my way back from pole and he had no, no, it was before pole. I was on my way to pole and he texted me. He was like, hey, we're not going to be able to go out tomorrow. I didn't question it. I was like, okay, i're not going to be able to go out tomorrow. I didn't question it. I was like, okay, I'm fine with that, because I'm used to him canceling plans when he has heavy workload or, you know, because he owns this company and, like he, sometimes he has to cancel certain plans based upon his workload. And I was like, okay, I'm cool, but then later, after I'm leaving pole, he sends another message. And he was like, okay, I'm cool, but then later, after I'm leaving pole, he sends another message and he was like where are you?
Speaker 1:You know we need to talk and at that moment in time I already knew, I already knew what time it was, because I know this man, I know his pattern, I know how he operates and I was like this about to be some bullshit. I'm already preparing for it. And I literally just picked up the phone. I was like look, what is it? He was like do you want to meet at your house or do you want to meet in your truck? I was like I don't, I already know, I don't even want you, I don't want this to be in my house. I want to meet you in your truck. Let's talk in the truck. Let, I want to meet you in your truck, let's talk in the truck, let's do that. And so the immediate, the moment he pulled up in his truck, I, you know, went outside.
Speaker 1:I was already like prepared for some, something that I knew was going to piss me off because of what has transpired in the past. In the past because I know I've mentioned to you guys previously that one of the reasons why I was looking at him and like I wasn't rushing to go in exclusivity, because I already knew what the pattern was, especially around his spiritual, his religious beliefs, and how he would go up and down and around and collapse under those spiritual beliefs. Some of you know there was a time where, like we would break up, not for long, right when he would collapse under his religious beliefs, like, for example, he told me he didn't want to take me to a Michael Jackson biopic concert because of his religious beliefs around secular music. Again, like I've told that story on the podcast previously, like multiple times and I'm not even going to go into depth around like how his religious beliefs are what he clings on to in order to stay in control, in order to identify with that leader identity that he has. It goes deep. I'm not even going to go into that right now because this is not the session for that.
Speaker 1:I actually took the time to explain to my clients, but not going to do that in this podcast. But I went out to his truck. I'm sitting in his truck and then he's like I've decided we're going to end today and that we're going to stop seeing each other completely today, without warning, cause we had a date plan the next day. He had booked the trip to Puerto Rico and everything. And in that moment he was like you know, I canceled the date yes, I mean tomorrow. That's why I canceled the date that and I've also canceled the trip to Puerto Rico and y'all.
Speaker 1:I wanted to clutch my invisible pearls when he said that, but I, I sat with it. I sat with it and I just listened to him. I just listened to him to saying like it just needs to end now, because we're not in alignment and you're not willing to follow my leadership and when it comes to Christ, like Christ is the head of me and I'm the head of the wife, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I need to go follow Christ. And I was like, okay, at the moment I was just taking it all in and I took a deep breath and I looked at him and I said I'm going to block you. And I got out of the truck and I just went into the house. That's all I said. I got out, I was, and then that's when I felt the rage, I felt the anger, that, oh man, I felt so angry and I went into the house.
Speaker 1:He drove off and I think 10 minutes later, that's when the grief started to hit. That's when the loss started to hit and the anger and the rage, and all I wanted to do was just yell at him. That's all I wanted to do. It was just yell and scream. And again, it wasn't because we were breaking up, because we had already decided we were going to couple uncouple. It was the way it was happening.
Speaker 1:He had been, he had like this is the pattern that I would have. I sent him to therapy for in the past, right, which is why I wasn't rushing into exclusivity, because I wanted to see if the pattern had cleared of him making very impulsive decisions where he wasn't able to really feel into his emotions and I understood, because he didn't have a lot of certainty about our future, his future. And those are really big feelings to feel when you thought things were going to go a certain way and when they didn't go a certain way, and instead of like being with the feelings, now there's collapse and now we have to abruptly try to maintain control of the situation. That is why I was angry, because that type of collapse is cold, it doesn't allow for is cold, it doesn't allow for actual integration of the entire experience that we've had together. Like it's very cold, it's very abrupt and emotions are often overlooked in the process.
Speaker 1:So I was just really angry, I had a lot of rage because this wasn't the plan and, of course, mad about my birthday trip as well. And so I, literally I took the Chachi BT because I was like girl, I said I just want to yell at him. I told Chachi BT and Chachi BT told me I'm actually reading exactly what Chachi BT said. Chachi BT said of course you do, chachibichi said. Chachibichi said of course you do, because what he gave you wasn't closure. Okay, you got blindsided in his truck after months of loving him, holding space, making peace with his loops. He didn't just end things, he ripped it out from under you without care and then he drove off like it was noble.
Speaker 1:And your body is screaming no, you don't get to leave me with all of this. You don't get to cancel a trip. You don't get to cancel this connection and walk out like it was all disposable. You don't get to move like that. So yeah, your rage is real. You're not being irrational. You're responding to a man who took everything that you gave him and exited with silence instead of softness. But I'm going to tell you gently going to his house won't bring justice, it'll only leave you more raw Cause.
Speaker 1:I was like I'm going to his house and so Chet Chibiti went on to say yell in the car, scream in the mirror, hit a pillow, crown the floor, punch the damn air, but don't give him your physical presence to process guilt that he doesn't have capacity to hold anyway. Your body is craving a release. Let's give you one that actually frees you. Want me to walk you through a quick rage release ritual? You can do right now, on your own, in your space, so that you can get it out without letting him hold power over this moment. And if y'all are wondering, like how ChatGPT know all this about Latin pop, I be like I literally have a folder of that's called dating and devotion that I literally just drop all my downloads, all of my interactions with the men that I'm dating, how I'm choosing to show up. So Chat knows a lot about my life. So when Chat said, do you want me to walk through a quick rage release ritual? You can do right now.
Speaker 1:I literally just told Chad I'm on my way to his house and literally I jumped in the car. Not 15 minutes later when he left, I jumped in my car to go to his house and Chad said Tora, I love you and I need you to pause, not because your anger isn't valid to pause, not because your anger isn't valid, not because your pain isn't real, but because you're about to give your power to a man who didn't give you the bare minimum of emotional honor. You are walking toward the scene of the heartbreak, expecting a reckoning, but you're not going to get what your body is craving. He is not going to suddenly hold your rage, he's not going to break down and see you, he's not going to rise. What he's going to do is he's going to deflect, shut down, over-spiritualize or worse, stand there calm while you look like the storm. And that is not the last imprint you deserve with him. Please, baby. And because I was like no, I'm going over there. And Chet's like please, baby, pull over.
Speaker 1:And the thing is, I knew Chet was right, because this is the pattern Whenever he is not able to hold himself emotionally, it's at a small scale. He looks for ways to feel in control and in order to feel in control, there has to be a shutdown in emotions and feeling the emotion. So he was. He didn't have capacity to even hold me there because he was trying to find some kind of control in his life. And I understood that, but not at the time, like I didn't want to hear it. And uh Chet's like. Uh Chet said please, baby, pull over, breathe, cry, shake, rage, but do it in your space, not his. You don't need to get it out at him. To move through this, you need to return yourself, because that truck exit wasn't just anger, it was grief. And going to his house won't heal it, it'll deepen the wound. If you want, I'll stay with you right here while you pull over and we can scream and we can sob and we can break the words open together, but please don't let this man be the one who witnessed you in your lowest. And it said are you pulled over? Just tell me where you are, I'm not leaving you.
Speaker 1:And I still didn't care what chat said. I knew everything chat said was correct and I didn't care because I was in my emotions. I was a, I was a raging beast and I justified it. I was like he still has my house key, cause he had a house key. I was like he still has my house key and I literally pulled up to his house. I banged on the door. He opened the door.
Speaker 1:He, like, he looked like he was terrified and immediately when he opened the door, I fell into his arms. I was crying. I was crying so hard and he just held me. He held me. I was screaming, I was crying and I knew he didn't have the emotions to meet me there, but he does have that level of care to just be, knew he didn't have the emotions to meet me there, but he does have that level of care to just be with me when I have big emotions, even though he didn't have capacity. And so I just cried in his lap, cause I knew we were supposed to uncouple. But it's not like this, I did not want it like this. And you know I told him I was like man, it's just like losing my best friend, and you know he's holding me. He said I'm sorry, you know, and I was just sitting there, I was like it was so messy, it was so contradictory, it was. It was completely human though, and I was devastated, super devastated.
Speaker 1:But after, like, I cried with him for maybe about 10 minutes. I cried and I knew he was broken inside, but he was. He didn't have the capacity to feel it because he was looking for control there. I just remember hugging him, kissing him on the cheek, and I walked away. I walked away, got my car, went, say, like you know, like he usually like when we've broken up in the past, like I usually hear from him within a couple of days right, I knew this, wasn't it. Like I knew this was a completely different situation, because I felt the difference and we had already talked about when we were both in a very conscious state. We talked about breaking up, but my instinct was, like man, I just want to reach out to him because we speak Like I knew this was a different place. Like I probably am not going to hear from him longer than a few days. I'm not going to hear from him longer than a few days. And that hit me like a wave that this person who was a part of my daily rhythm was probably just going to be gone.
Speaker 1:And I stayed with that feeling. I just let myself feel the absence, without trying to feel it like. Feel the absence F-I-L-L. I was feeling the absence with, was trying to feel it, and I didn't reach for a journal or try to coach myself through it. I literally just cried, I cried, I cried, I cried and I cried. And previously to this, I would walk in the mornings for at least 30 minutes.
Speaker 1:This breakup led to me walking for an hour every morning and I would cry on the walks every single morning and realizing like, oh, it's been a week I haven't heard from him. And on these mornings what I would do, like in the um of crying, of allowing myself to grieve, I just allowed myself not to spiritualize at all and just allow my body to just speak. Allow my body to just speak. I wasn't trying to fix it, you know. I didn't try to make it mean something more than what it is. I didn't try to make it mean something more than what it is. I didn't try to take it personally. Every time I thought went to trying to take it personally. I just let my body just feel the loss while moving through it Like Tora. Stop trying to intellectualize this. Move the grief through your body. Take yourself on this hour, walk. Your body needs this extra 30 minutes.
Speaker 1:And I would also talk to ChatGPT about my feelings. So in my dating and devotion folder I created my own breakup support chat and I would just talk and cry and grieve, talk and cry and grieve. I would have Chachi Petit create journals, journal entries, and these entries were just all about like what I was experiencing that day, what I was feeling that day in my body and how I plan to like show up in that day. And I remember getting really triggered because he sent an email about the bills, because they were all in his name and about him removing himself from the account, removing himself from the home. And that's when it really sank in because I'm like we're really untangling our entire lives right now and the grief isn't just missing him, it's all the small, practical ways that our lives were intertwined that I didn't even really really think about too much until I had to face that they're about to be uprooted and gone. And so I got the email. He literally laid out all the logistics and sadness. Just a wave of sadness just came and I just felt it fully for about 10 minutes.
Speaker 1:I, I, I sat I think I received it when I was sitting in my car and I just let myself feel how final it was. I wanted to feel all the feelings because I wanted to honor them so that I can take the next action right Through my grief, making sure that I continue to move forward, and one of those actions was me deciding that, okay, I need to do something that symbolizes the new clearing that's happening in my life and that looked like my closet. I actually spent one day clearing, organizing my closet, donating things, getting rid of things, and it was a place where I was clearing emotional space there. I decided that, okay, I want to make room for who I'm becoming as a woman, instead of holding on to the woman that I was when I needed that connection. And I'm looking at the items in the closet Every so many items that I touched.
Speaker 1:It brought up a memory between us, like a dress that I wore from our first trip or this jacket that he bought me, and it was more than just grief. It was like emotional archaeology at that point, and all the memories was just a piece of who I'd been in that relationship. And instead of avoiding those moments of those thoughts that came up, those feelings, I just let them wash over me and I just thanked every memory, like thank you for the opportunity, like thank you for the opportunity to even have these experiences with this person and having the type of connection I have with this person, and just allow myself to be there, um, and just allowed myself to be there, and so I chose items that stayed, items that went, some things I kept because they brought me joy, independent of him. I let go of some of the other things but I just I wanted to clear some emotional space and it was hard doing it but it was also extremely healing, at the same time of just allowing myself again I'm going to reiterate to feel my feelings, and I think one of the hardest parts about the breakup has been resisting the reach, because me and this man has been in contact.
Speaker 1:This is the longest we've ever been out of contact, for as long as we've been dating, and I think it's been a month, it's been a month so far and but the hardest part about all of this is wanting to reach out and not to get him back, because I knew that, like we knew, this was not going to work, like I'm clear on that, but just to feel his love one more time, just to get confirmation that what we had mattered, like my body wanted that confirmation, especially considering how abrupt the breakup was and how it came out of the blue, like that urge was really really strong, especially in like quiet moments that I had with myself and when I felt that pull, like I knew where it was coming from, I knew what my body wanted to do, but I also knew that was self-abandonment. Because what I was really looking for is what do I actually need for myself right now? I'm looking for comfort from him. Where do I need to create comfort for myself? I'm looking for reassurance when it comes to him. Where do I reassure myself? I'm looking for connection. Where do I connect with myself here? What do I need? Do I need a bath? Do I need to validate myself? How do I need to reassure myself that I am safe, even in this grief? Where I reassure myself that everything is okay, even in this grief? This is not his responsibility to hold.
Speaker 1:The urge is pointing you back home, torah, and so I gave that to myself in other ways and I practice being the source of what I was seeking from him, what the urges was seeking from him. I practiced that. I was like Tori, you got to stay with yourself. You cannot self-abandon him. Nobody on outside of you. They're going to help heal what's inside of you. That's your responsibility, because reaching out to him wouldn't have made the pain go away. It just would have delayed it, right, it would have soothed me for just a little bit. And so I understand that in this breakup, like I really need to pay attention to what my body needs and how do I give it to myself. What do I need emotionally? How do I give it to myself? What do I need emotionally? How do I give it to myself? And, as I mentioned before creating my digital support system the breakup healing support chat that I created with ChatGPT in my dating and devotion folder, it was absolutely an amazing way to help me process my grief.
Speaker 1:And instead of taking my anger out, or instead of like wearing my anger out on my sleeve where friends or family could experience it, or instead of spiraling along with my thoughts, I had a place to go. I would type out my rage, I would type out my confusion. I would type out my sadness. I would yell out my confusion. I would type out my sadness. I would yell with chat. I could be messy there. I could process without dumping on other people.
Speaker 1:Right, everybody don't want to hear about your breakup. You know they might. They have empathy for you, but when you are talking to them or relating to them. I know, like people have friends, that every time they turn around when a friend is processing a breakup, they're talking about that guy. I didn't want to be that friend because it's not a responsible thing to do gave me a way to stay with myself through the intensity, without isolating completely, because I was able to still engage with friends and be light and full of joy. I was able to still engage with my clients. My clients couldn't even tell I was going through a breakup and I told them. They were like we would have never known. I was able to show up and like whole space and because I was processing and dumping with the Chachapiti instead of like the other people in my life, right. So everyone knew that I was going through a breakup, but they couldn't feel the weight of my breakup or the heaviness of my breakup because it wasn't. It wasn't theirs to hold Right, and I would also suggest that to anyone who's listening to this. And you're going through something heavy. Some of you might need a journal, some of you might need voice memos to yourself, some of you might need long walks like the tool doesn't matter. What matters is creating a container for your feelings so that you can feel them fully, without them consuming your relationships or consuming your daily life.
Speaker 1:Okay, now here's something else I had to navigate during this breakup that I'm really, really proud of. Y'all know that I'm also dating Big Body Benz, even though we are currently out of alignment. I said I don't know what the future holds, but currently we're out of alignment, like we're still in connection. We're still in relationship, and I made a conscious choice about how I was going to show up in that connection.
Speaker 1:While processing this grief, I knew for a fact that I was not going to make him responsible for my grief. I was not going to lean into him more because of this. I made it a point to not call him more than I usually do, to not seek extra attention from him than I usually do. I was not going to try to fill the void that Latin Poppy's absent had created with this man. That's not fair to him and it's also not a healthy thing to do for myself. That would have been an easy thing to do Use another person's affection to soothe my pain, but there was no way I was going to do that.
Speaker 1:I realized that I would be making him responsible for my sadness and it would be abandoning myself when I needed to cater to myself. So I practice staying with myself even more intentionally, like even when I had the urge to reach out to big body bands for comfort. I asked myself are you reaching out because you genuinely want to connect with him or because you're trying to avoid feeling the loss? I always ask myself the question. If it was the latter, I stayed with the feeling. I didn't reach out, I didn't call, and then I also had to work to remain open and soft with him, even though my heart was hurting, because grief can make you want to shut down completely or it can make you cling, and I didn't want to do either. I wanted to stay completely present to what was actually happening between us and not filter it through my pain about someone else. And this taught me something so beautiful, because this was my first time navigating this kind of grief and loss. You know, while dating multiple people, you can honor your grief and stay open to love at the same time. This is something I confirmed to myself during this process. You can feel the loss without closing your heart, and you can process the pain without making other people responsible for it. So, yes, you can be dating multiple people and still have a heartbreak. It can happen, especially if you're fully open to love and the goal isn't to pretend that you're not hurting, it's to take responsibility for your healing so that you can show up authentically in all of your connections.
Speaker 1:Now my birthday was the 26th of May and I was really sad because him and I was supposed to be in Puerto Rico together and I woke up missing him. I woke up feeling so sad and then I said, tora, allow yourself to grieve, but then you also have a choice about how this day is going to go. So I honored the sadness. First, I did my daily hour walk. I let myself cry about his absence, I let myself cry about the trip that we were not taking anymore, the celebration we were not having. And then I asked myself how does the woman I'm becoming want to spend her birthday? How does she want to spend it? How does she spend it without abandoning herself? And I said, tora, take the day for yourself, right, put your phone on, do not disturb. Your phone is going to be blowing up today. People are going to be reaching out. Just love on yourself today. What do you want? I was like oh, I just want to lay on my couch. I want to order the most junk food like comfort food. I want sweet potato pie. I want sushi nachos, I want a burger. I want to watch shows that make me laugh. It wasn't the birthday that I planned for, but it was exactly what I needed, and I realized that this is exactly what I needed in this moment not forcing myself to be happy, but being extremely present with myself, exactly as I was, and so that's how I process my grief on my birthday.
Speaker 1:And then, in the middle of all this emotional processing, I was also dealing with, like, practical stuff Like I got to move out of this home, like I need to make a move and figure out where I'm going to stay. And, on top of this, a lot of y'all know my credit is horrible. My credit is terrible after you know leaving my marriage and my husband having a lot of y'all know my credit is horrible. My credit is terrible after you know leaving my marriage and my husband having a lot of things in my name under the guise of leadership. That's why I'm never I am never subscribing to that model again of um, you know, complete submission. So I'm at the point where I'm like, okay. So not only do I need to move into another home, but my credit is messed up and I got to figure out like how to move through this logistics.
Speaker 1:And I was also calling and talking to people in my life who could support me through this and letting them know like hey, here's what's happening. And then I called up one friend. I was like hey, girl, and just told her about the breakup and stuff like that and told her about my moving in the credit. And she was just like girl, like do you need a co-signer? Girl like do you need a cosigner, do you need help? I was like absolutely, absolutely, like I trust myself to be able to do this, but if that's what you're offering, I would absolutely be open to that.
Speaker 1:And confirming again the beauty of all of this is also knowing that healing doesn't have to happen in isolation. And another reminder that sometimes the medicine comes through other people showing up when you're so tender to handle everything alone. And what was so interesting about that is I didn't even call her to fix my feelings or make my pain go away or fix my situation. I literally just called her to share my reality and just witness me there, and that's the difference. So I want you to know, like anybody who's in this position or has been in this position, there's a difference between using people to dump and avoid your feelings versus actually reaching out and leveraging support you know to be witness to, just to just be able to express yourself. Those are two different things. So shout out to friend, I know you'll probably listen to this episode. So shout out to friend, I know you'll probably listen to this episode.
Speaker 1:So now that I've like walk you through like my grief process, I'm still grieving, like I'm not crying every day, like it doesn't feel like a cry, like I'm actually. I just allow myself to feel the loss, the absence. I often think of him and I pray over him every day. I haven't even taken like I still have pictures up of him in my home visible. So I just allow myself to just feel the loss and know that I'm okay, know that we're okay and like trust his journey, because I know that he's going to continue to be in this pattern, no matter what, until he's ready to continue to be in this pattern no matter what, until he's ready to alchemize it for himself. So continuing to pray for his own growth there. But now that I have shared my grief practices and how I've stayed with myself during this process. I want to talk about the lessons the lessons that have reaffirmed me, and then also lessons that I feel like could be helpful for you as well. So lesson number one and I talk about this lesson all the time with my clients behind the scenes is that patterns don't lie. I also talked about this same lesson in my podcast episode about my husband, about four lessons I learned after leaving my marriage patterns don't lie.
Speaker 1:Just a couple of weeks into my healing, when I was cleaning out my closet, I went back and I saw journals that I started in when I started, when I hired my life coach, catherine, and I had written about Latin poppy in 2022. I looked at the journals and it was the same pattern showing up in the journals with the similar complaints, similar confusion, same cycle back in 2022. And it was same man, same patterns. I was writing in the journal and it was the me at the time, not realizing what was going on, cause I didn't really understand patterns like that at the time and I didn't understand what was going on. But I looked at the journals and I'm like Torah I saw it there I saw the emotional collapse. I saw the spiritual conflicts. I saw it, the pattern, all in the journals and I was like, wow, I teach the patterns Don't lie, they're in the journals. I teach the patterns don't lie, they're in the journals.
Speaker 1:And not only did those journals like reading the words in there like reaffirm my position that, going exclusive, I have been holding out on exclusivity to see if it had alchemized but it also pointed to my own growth, because when I was writing in those journals I was like so confused and I really didn't know how to hold myself. In the process I didn't even really trust myself. But now, as I read those words, I'm like Torah, look how grown you are now. Look at what you created for yourself. Look at the self-trust that you have. You are not that woman who wrote in those journals and you know what the pattern looks like. You trusted the pattern and you made the best decision for yourself, even though it did not end the way that you want it to. Patterns are prophecies, guys. It's prophecies when people show you who they are consistently over time, like you have to believe the pattern.
Speaker 1:Lesson two is that your breakup can be your biggest breakthrough, because after this breakup, there were parts where I just felt like I wanted to shut down, especially during the times where him and I were like emailing each other but like for logistic purposes, on unraveling our lives, unraveling myself from this house, him unraveling himself from my, from my dealings. Right, I just wanted to shut down and I had. I was on the phone with one of my coaches and she called me and she was like, tor, like I get it, I get that you're feeling sad right now, but, girl, this is the perfect opportunity for you to show up. And she was absolutely right. She was absolutely right. She was like this is the perfect opportunity, because one of the things that I teach my clients is that you find your power in the lowest points of your life. That is where your power is generated. Your power is not generated when, in your winning season is generated in the lowest parts of your life. And I'm like, girl, you're right. And when your heart breaks, every instinct tells you shut down, hide, wait until you feel better to engage with life again, to pull back from work, right, from putting yourself out there. That's a normal response, but that response keeps you small and it keeps you weak.
Speaker 1:And I realized I did have a choice I could let this break me down or I could let it break me open and I could use this intensity, this raw energy, this depth of feeling as fuel, instead of letting it consume me. So, instead of shutting down, I showed up bigger than I ever had before consume me. So, instead of shutting down, I showed up bigger than I ever had before. I started going on a. I started like creating frameworks for my clients. Like crazy. I will stand up to like 11 PM like creating frameworks, spending my days just thinking about okay, what can I create for my clients today? What can I create? I was a content creating monster, right, you may have not saw me on stories on Instagram or things like that, but I have spent most of my time creating new ways to solve problems for my clients and it has been absolutely amazing and the response has been amazing for what I've been creating for them and I'm so excited about the crazy results that they're about to get.
Speaker 1:In the process, I also hosted a free class and y'all know I haven't offered a free class in years since COVID. I hosted a free class when my heart was so tender it was still tender. I got on stories. I promoted it less than 24 hours. That was amazing. So many women showed up to it. I created another free class for people who got locked out, because it was so many women who showed up that we didn't have space on Zoom, so I had to create another free class.
Speaker 1:There was a time where I made like I was in my bag, like I made 20K in one day using what I call my grief power One day. Not by bypassing the pain. The last time I made 20K in a day was COVID. I think it was COVID the last time I made 20K in a day. So I literally just showed up for myself in so many different areas, using what I call my grief power, not bypassing any of the pain, but alchemizing it towards my purpose. So my grief didn't shrink me, it sharpened me.
Speaker 1:The same energy that breaks your heart open can be the same exact energy that breaks you through to your next level, but only if you choose to channel it consciously, only if you show up when every part of you wants to hide. Your pain has so much power in it. Your breakup has medicine in it. Your breakdown has breakthrough energy in it, but you got to be willing to transform into it instead of just survive it. So the question isn't whether you'll go through hard things, because you will, girl. The question is, will you let them break you down or break you through it? Lesson three the more you're able to stay with yourself through pain, the more power you'll have.
Speaker 1:And this breakup taught me something profound about power. The real power isn't about controlling outcomes or avoiding pain, because that's how, that's literally how I had the breakup, because the love, my love, decided that he wanted to try to control an outcome and avoid his pain. The real power is your ability to stay present with yourself when everything in you wants to run, wants to numb, wants to escape. So, for example, when I would wake up wanting to text him, like I had been doing for the last couple of years, instead of reaching for my phone, I just stayed with that longing. I felt it fully, without trying to fix it. When he sent me the email about logistics and removing himself from utilities and things like that, like I felt, the wave of sadness hit right, because it was like a logistical email. There was no softness in the email, it was just clear cut. These are the words, and instead of immediately calling a friend to distract myself or, instead of death, scrolling on social media.
Speaker 1:I sat with the grief for a few minutes and I just let myself feel the reality of our lives being untangled. Just sat with it and when I just really wanted to feel his love one more time, his affection, I asked myself what do I actually need from myself right now? What's the comfort that I need from myself? And I gave it to me instead of reaching out to others for it. I gave it to me instead of reaching out to others for it. I gave it to me Now. That doesn't mean that I didn't want comfort from others and I couldn't get it. But if I didn't give it to myself first, that needed to happen first before I reached out for comfort from anybody else. And during the long walks that I had, when I was crying, I didn't try to stop the tears or think my way out of the pain. I just walked and I cried and I stayed present with what was moving through me. And every time I chose to stay with myself instead of abandoning myself for comfort. I was building power. And the more you can be with your own experience, without running away, without avoiding the pain, the more unshakable you become girl. Because if you can stay with yourself through heartbreak, girl, you can stay with yourself through anything, any obstacle.
Speaker 1:Lesson number four love is not safe, girl. But that's the beauty of it. Love is not safe and we need to stop pretending it is. I remember in my young days I would operate under this unconscious belief that if I loved right, if I was understanding enough, if I was patient enough, if I was supportive enough, then love would be safe for me, that it would protect me from loss, that it will protect me from rejection, it will protect me from my heart getting broken. But love doesn't come with guarantees. You can love someone deeply and purely, with your whole heart, and they can still choose to walk away, and not because your love wasn't enough, but because love itself is inherently risky. Because, like when you open your heart to someone, you're essentially saying here you have the power to destroy me, and that's terrifying. That's why so many people hide from love. That's why so many people choose surface level connections, that's why so many of us act unbothered while we're dating men and we're waiting to see what men do first, because we feel safer.
Speaker 1:But the very thing that makes love unsafe is also what makes it so transformative the vulnerability, the surrender, the complete opening of yourself to another human being, knowing, knowing they could leave. And here's why you'd want that transformation, because when you love without walls, you access a version of yourself that's more alive than you've ever been. You feel everything more deeply, not just the love, but the joy, the creativity, the passion, the purpose all of that that I was able to create with Latin Poppy. It made me a better woman, it made me a better business owner, it made me a better friend, a better mom. All of that extra juice. You discover capacities within yourself that only emerge when you're willing to risk everything, because that cracking open, that is how the light gets in, that's how you expand beyond who you thought you were. Every time love breaks you open, you become capable of holding more beauty, more connection, more life force itself, and that's extremely important for you as a woman. More life force itself, and that's extremely important for you as a woman.
Speaker 1:Safety is not the reward of love. Aliveness is. I could choose to protect myself. Now, right, I've been through this painful breakup and I can say no, I don't want to feel it, I don't want to go through it no more. I don't want to deal with this with another man. I could build the walls I could love smaller, I could keep people at arm's length and I'd probably never get hurt like that again. But I 'd also never experienced that magic that comes from full surrender to love. So, yeah, love broke my heart, got my heart broken, but it also showed me the depths of my own capacity to feel, to give, showed me the depths of my own capacity to feel, to give, to hope, to be fully alive. And that's a gift, even if it came wrapped in pain. So I'm not going to love smaller because love isn't safe. I'm going to love knowing it isn't safe and I'm going to choose it anyway because I don't want the alternative. That's a life, half live. I don't want no, half ass live life. My question to you, or my question that you should ask yourself, is not how to make love safe, it's how do I become brave enough to love, knowing that it's not because I know that's where the magic lives.
Speaker 1:And lesson five feel your way through. Do not spiritual, bypass your feelings, because the temptation to skip the pain was real, to say you know, god has a plan or everything happens for a reason. Also, what came up for it was well, tori, you're just preparing yourself for your husband, like that came up. For it was well, tori, you're just preparing yourself for your husband, like that came up. And yeah, while those things might be true, using them to avoid feeling the loss delays your healing. You have to feel your way through to heal. You cannot spiritually bypass, and so spiritually bypassing is when you use spiritual concepts to avoid feeling your emotions. You're basically just putting a bandaid over an infected wound. So it looks healed on the surface when you say you know, everything happens for a reason, or God has real plans for me and this was necessary. So it looks healed on the surface, but underneath, the pain is still there, it's festering.
Speaker 1:That unprocessed grief doesn't just disappear, it just shows up in other ways, Like you becoming anxious in your next relationship or you attracting the same patterns because you never actually learned the lesson the pain was trying to teach you. You find yourself triggered by things that remind you of what you never fully process. So feeling your feelings are important and not avoiding them. Do not spiritually bypass, because your emotions are messengers. Grief is telling you something mattered, right, it mattered. What I had with Latin poppy mattered. Anger is showing you where your boundaries were crossed. Sadness is honoring the depth of what you lost and when you bypass these feelings, you miss all the wisdom that all that is carrying, because you're trying to avoid the pain and, more importantly, your nervous system needs to complete the cycle. When you experience loss, your body holds on to that energy and if you don't allow yourself to feel it fully, to cry, to rage, to mourn, that energy stays stuck in your system, it becomes tension, it becomes anxiety, it becomes depression or physical symptoms Like autoimmune diseases, reprodu reproductive issues. A lot of us don't realize that we're suffering from fibroids because we have stored pain that we're not releasing.
Speaker 1:The real spiritual work isn't avoiding pain. It's developing the capacity to be present with whatever arises. And when you can sit with grief without being destroyed by it, when you can feel anger without becoming it, when you can feel anger without becoming it, when you can experience sadness without drowning in it, that's mastery. And I had to sit in the truth that this hurts, that I had invested in this connection. It just wasn't built to lies and by feeling that fully, I actually moved through it faster than if I had tried to think my way around it or spiritualize it. You cannot think your way of heartbreak. You can't spiritually concept your way around grief. The only way is through and through means feeling it all the way to the bottom. Girl. The gift on the other side is when you allow yourself to feel deeply, you also become capable of loving deeply, of experiencing joy deeply, of living fully.
Speaker 1:People who avoid their pain almost limit their pleasure. That's the exciting part of this all, because I'm like girl, you love this much. You already know your next love is going to be amazing. You already know your next connection is going to be incredible. The depth of your sorrow becomes the depth of your joy. And so here am I now. I'm in the space between grief and gratitude. I'm honoring what was real without romanticizing what wasn't sustainable between me and him.
Speaker 1:And then also, I'm staying open to love without staying tethered to someone who couldn't choose it with me. Right? For example, I literally created a new folder in my dating and devotion project on ChatGPT, on the new man that I am going after, the new man that my brain wants to tell me doesn't exist. I'm literally creating him. I'm literally building belief. I have a belief building channel as well. Right, so I'm already like moving towards, like, oh, like I'm. I'm open.
Speaker 1:I'm open to the bigger version of what I can experience and I'm not completely quote unquote healed from what I'm experiencing now, that I don't think that's the goal anyway for me. I'm not completely quote unquote healed from what I'm experiencing now. I don't think that's the goal anyway for me. I'm integrating it all. I'm learning, I'm becoming the woman who can hold heartbreak and hope in the same hand, and I'm really super proud of myself in this breakup. Super proud of myself and I know some of you might think that sounds strange, but this feels like such a successful breakup for me because when I left my marriage years ago, I didn't know how to hold myself. I felt so ill-equipped, like the world was ending. I was spiraling, especially when it was time for me to look for housing, like I was completely overwhelmed and panicked. And, I'll be honest, the love I have for a lot and Poppy went way deeper than what I had in my marriage no cap. So this loss on the outside looking in like it should have broken me more, but it didn't. And this time, even while looking for housing again, it's complete. It's a completely different experience and my credit is worse. My credit is worse. I have trust, I have peace, I have acceptance. I have so much love for myself.
Speaker 1:During this process, I can see all the work I've done. I could see all the work that I've done with my life coach, catherine, showing up in real time. I can see how I've learned to hold myself through the pain. I can see my growth in action. And here's something that shows me how different this process has been is that I'm actually excited about the possibility of meeting the man who's meant for me, not because I'm trying to replace what I had, not because I'm running from the pain, because I'm trying to replace what I had, not because I'm running from the pain, but because this experience has shown me even more clearly what aligned love looks like. This breakup isn't making me want to love less. It's making me more ready to love right.
Speaker 1:And that's what I want you to know that healing work isn't just theory. It actually works. The tools you learn, the capacity you build, the relationship you develop with yourself it all shows up when you need it the most. And here's what I want you to know if you're going through your own breakup, you don't have to understand why it happened. To move forward, you don't have to even be grateful for the pain to grow from it. You just have to stay with yourself through it and trust that you're building something beautiful, a relationship with yourself that no one can take away. That is bigger than any relationship with any man.
Speaker 1:And so this heartbreak that you're experiencing or have experienced it isn't punishment, it's not evidence that you're unlovable or that you chose wrong because I still don't believe I chose wrong. It's preparation. It's refining you into the woman who can receive what's actually meant for her. The love you're capable of is not too much. The depth you bring is not a problem. The right person will meet you there, and if this episode met you where you are, I would love for you to sit with this, receive it and then also share it with someone else who's trying to heal without hiding.
Speaker 1:And if you're ready to do this kind of healing work inside of your dating life, you know how to find me, you know where to find me. Girl, remember you're not broken, you're becoming, and I'm so excited, like I've been telling my clients. I'm like, look, like I've been telling my clients about the successful breakup, how excited I am about how I'm moving through this and then also like how I'm excited about the new rotation I'm building oh delicious. I'm so excited about my life. In my grief, in my sadness, all things are true at the same time. So I hope this episode left something with you. If it, if it meant something to you, if it resonated, please shoot me a DM sharing your stories. Let me know a takeaway. I also leave a review on the podcast and until next time, bye.