Date with Cents
Date with Cents
Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Man (And Why It’s Exhausting You)
You finally have multiple men pursuing you, but now you don't know what the hell to do with them ... .so you're either picking whoever texts back fastest or stressing yourself out trying to be "fair" to everyone.
Most women think the goal is just getting men's attention, but the real challenge is knowing how to handle it when you actually have choices. You end up settling for the first guy who's consistent or getting overwhelmed and picking based on who gives you butterflies instead of who's actually right for you.
I'm breaking down exactly what to do when you have real options so you stop making decisions from panic and start choosing the man who actually fits your life.
If you're tired of having options but still ending up with the wrong man….
Join the Relationship Roster Challenge HERE.
Join the waitlist for C2C. Click Here To Join the Waitlist
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@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl. Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. Ooh, I am. I'm actually feeling very, I'm feeling very grounded, very excited. I typically record my podcast episodes in the morning before I start coaching, but I had so many things going on that I didn't get around to it and so I've already been through what five clients already by the day, and I'm like, wow, I'm really.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I absolutely love as a coach is not just helping clients meet men or attract men that they're excited about and create delicious dating lives and land relationships, but it's like the journey of what it takes to get there. I get so excited because my clients don't know, when they start working with me, that they're about to be on one hell of a ride, an amazing one, but it's something that they didn't anticipate for themselves and like ways of of of transformation that they haven't experienced. I have one client that she agreed to come on the podcast. I'm super excited for her, this particular client. When we first started working together, she did not trust herself and because of it, she had a lot of anxiety around things in her life period of knocking things down when it came to her career, when it came to her education, lots of stuff was going on. She didn't even have space to date and we spent the first couple of months cleaning up all those areas of her life. And now this woman I can't stop her from dating and it's so exciting because a lot of people like to do things really, really fast to show like, oh yeah, like I'm, I'm, I'm getting results. But, like, sometimes you have to slow down to speed up, and she's been able to really slow down and we cleaned up all those areas of her life so that she can trust herself, make great decisions. I can't wait to have this podcast episode with her. Y'all are going to love her, fall in love with her, especially you guys who are late bloomers. And, like now she's attracting men that she's really, really excited about and we're going to talk about that on her podcast episode. I have another client, another seasoned client, who is really creating VIP experiences with men when she felt like there were not high quality, attractive, ambitious men her age, and every time I turn around, she's sending me messages of the attractive, active, in shape, handsome men. Every time I turn around, she's sending them to me. So, like those, those are like just things that I absolutely like appreciate about this, like the journey of working with her to like uncover all of the limited beliefs around the men in her area and then getting her outside of her comfort zone to where she's actually not just meeting more men but expanding her social circle and adding new people to her social circle and leveraging the people that are already in there to lead her to meeting the kinds of men that she's looking for. So so excited for her. Like the journey is so good.
Speaker 1:And then we have the students who joined the relationship roster challenge, who have been on a journey in the last few weeks of discovering, oh man, like I've created a life where I'm isolated and now men are seeing me right. Or I have not realized how closed off I am and now I'm being approached. Or I had no idea how I objectified men and now men are pursuing me. And it's just been amazing because a lot of these women in the challenge are finally meeting men in the wild, finally meeting men in person. Typically when women come to me and they're like I hate online dating, tori, I don't want to do it, I'd rather meet men in person. Typically when women come to me and they're like I hate online dating tour. I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I'd rather meet men in person. They're not meeting men in person because they don't got the skills to do either. And these women are actually women who are meeting men in person, quality men in person, men who make their coochie jump in person, and they've had like this, this journey and transformation over the past few weeks of realizing, wow, I had no idea I didn't have this skill, I had no idea I was blocking myself off and now I'm getting results and I'm just really excited about all of it.
Speaker 1:And speaking of the relationship roster challenge, you can still join. We're still going. We have about two more live calls, along with the four uh, the four replays that are available, the four trainings and all of the worksheets and all of the assignments. You can still get access to that Now. The link will be in the show notes. So if you get paid tomorrow, girl, go ahead and get into the challenge. If you've been just sitting here listening to these podcasts, episodes and soaking it up and like in one foot and one foot out thinking about it, girl, just do it. It's just $220. There's an option for a payment plan. You probably spent more at brunch, okay, and see how fast your life changes when you start implementing what I'm talking about. See how the men respond to you differently.
Speaker 1:When you start implementing what I'm talking about, when you get into the relationship roster challenge, you're going to hear things you've never heard before in your life, things that you can't Google, things that you can't go scroll and find on TikTok Okay, and you're going to be able to get a result from showing up. Okay, you can still join and still time. Definitely the show. The link will be in the show notes and, that being said, this episode is also another Instagram live where I talk about or introduce the next stage of the challenge. So the next stage of the challenge is get your options, and that is all about, like, how to navigate, managing multiple men, and how to do it without losing yourself, without feeling guilty, overextending yourself, and also how to choose from the men that you're talking to, cause everybody ain't on the roster girl and everybody doesn't need to be in your sphere and everybody doesn't need to be in your sphere and everybody doesn't need to be considered for exclusivity. I'm going to show you exactly how to vet men, not on vibes, but on strategy and a system, but this Instagram live is introducing that and it's all about, like, why you keep choosing the wrong man and you feel drained by it. And so you're going to love this episode and get a lot of gems out of it.
Speaker 1:And, without further ado, here's the episode. What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to another Instagram live, and today's topic is going to be why you keep choosing the wrong man and why you're drained by it at the same time, cause y'all be choosing the wrong man over and over whether you're exclusive or not. And then you'd be like I'm so tired of this, I just went. Why? Why the men won't act right. I'm just so sick of it, I'm just going to stay inside. I'm just tired of dating because these men are pissing me off. This is what this live is for, whether you have been in a talking state, in a situation, exclusive relationship, whatever. I'm going to be talking about why you keep choosing the wrong man, because it's what I see in my clients all the time.
Speaker 1:And hi, just to let you know, this live is sponsored by the Relationship Roster Challenge that is still going on and where women are still getting results. They are out here meeting men. We just did the Getting Pursued call last week where they learned why they aren't being pursued by men and I gave them things that they can implement. I let them know the crucial windows of interaction with men, from the first meeting, from the first uh, 24 hours, 48 hours to the first week, to the first two weeks of connecting these critical windows, these, these, these several windows I named like four windows of like how to interact with men and how to show up so that he pursues instead of pulling back and we're all confused about like, oh my gosh, you know he was all over me two nights ago, like what happened.
Speaker 1:If that's a consistent pattern for you, you need to watch the last call in a relationship roster challenge and if you want to jump in on this challenge and catch up on the replays and join us for the remaining live calls, type roster, in the comment section we've already taken the relationship readiness not the relationship, the roster readiness assessments that will tell you exactly why you don't have your roster yet and the step-by-step plan for you uniquely, on how to get your roster. We've already showed the ladies how to get noticed and visible out there so that they meet men in the wild, and they've been meeting men in the wild. We have already showed them how to get approached, because once you're out in the wild there's a skill set to allow men to show up and approach you. And then we have the get pursue part, and next we have get options. Get pursue part, and next we have get options. And so this live is pretty much going to be a preview of what we're going to talk about in our live call. Hi, um, yeah, so that's what we're going to be talking about.
Speaker 1:A roster is your initial, um, initial. Two to three men that you are dating have gone on a date with you, have at least gone on one date with these men. You don't have a roster if you ain't been on no date. Back to the live, the type roster you want to join us for the roster challenge. Getting pursued is one thing, but when we start to see you know men, we start to start talking to men. Many of us get stuck because we don't know how to navigate interacting with the man once he pursues Number one, we start picking the first man that acts right. One of the biggest problems that we have is we pick the first man who acts right. And it makes sense.
Speaker 1:Girl, you used to dusty dating. You used to men ghosting. You used to men not following through. You used to men wasting your time. And then you get this one guy. And you used to men ghosting. You used to men not following through. You used to men wasting your time and then you get this one guy. You're like you're so excited because he's finally like there's someone finally showing up with consistency. He is calling regularly, he is planning dates, he is validating you and affirming who you are, your beauty, who you are as a person. And you're like, ooh, girl, this, this is the one. You start seeing him as an um, but instead of seeing him as an option, what you do is you start treating him like the answer, cause you done got your first little taste. This is why I say dating skills is important, because you think the baseline, because that's the baseline, the bottom, you think the bottom is the answer, when that should be your standard around.
Speaker 1:But that's what happens when we're not regularly attracting quality men. We get that one man that shows up and we're like, ooh, he's the answer, not the option, right. And so what's actually happening is you start to confuse, like you start to feel relieved, like, oh, there's a good man in my life. You start to feel relieved and you confuse that and think it's compatibility Because, ooh, he's showing up. Good that we're compatible. Like you get confused by that. Or you're like oh my gosh, I don't know, I've never experienced this before, I haven't experienced this in two years. And so you get so scared that he's going to leave.
Speaker 1:You know, you stop dating and just start focusing on him, even though y'all are not exclusive, even though you don't truly know if he aligns with you long-term. It's like all based upon, like feelings. And then what else you do is that you reward early effort with early exclusivity. Again, since we're so not used to a man putting in certain kinds of efforts basic efforts, like calling, planning dates, showing up for you, being attentive, basic things we make him the answer and not the option. And then we get exclusive in our brains, even though we're not exclusive with the guy. We cut off everybody and we're like I just want to focus on him. No, what you have done is you said you've made me feel good and I don't want to feel uncomfortable. So I really just want to put all my eggs over here, because I really want this to work out, because if this don't work out, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do because I ain't got no skills Right. That's basically what you're saying and what you're doing, and so that's why we're all resentful If he walks away.
Speaker 1:If he pulls away, if he chooses like I've had men be complete gentlemen with clients, amazing men, because that's the baseline. And they say, hey, I was actually talking to another woman at the same time as you like, and I've decided that I'm going to go with her. Right, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's what dating is all about. But because he was such a good man, a lot of women are like, oh, but I thought we had such an amazing date. That's the baseline. You should always be dating men like that, just in general.
Speaker 1:Right, not making him your one, that's the problem. But the thing is, my clients know not to make that person their one, so they don't fall apart if that happens. Right, they're not giving him the early exclusivity. They're not thinking oh, he's consistent, so he must be it. Consistency is a standard. Ok, what you should be thinking is oh, he's one of the few who's rising to the standard and I'm watching, got my eye on you and that's why a lot of people were so, are so, were so confused when I had my rotation of three men and they were like tour, they're like. They're taking on trips, they're emotionally supporting you. They're paying bills Right, they're emotionally supporting you. They're paying bills right. They're buying you gifts, they are making sure that, um, like they, like they validate your beauty, like all of this, like why won't you choose one? That's why, because that's the base, that's the baseline.
Speaker 1:Let like he's supposed to be qualified over time and observation. Instead of you crowning him because he gave you consistency, you done gave him the crown. Instead of talking to others, I continue to talk to others. Watch if his words match his patterns over time, watch if his actions. You don't owe a man exclusivity just because he, um, he's enthusiastic about you. You don't owe him that, okay. So that's the first thing I want to say. The first. The second reason why y'all keep choosing the wrong man and y'all are drained or in exhausted is because y'all are trying to manage your roster instead of being the woman the roster revolves around. I'm going to say it again Y'all are trying to manage your roster instead of being the woman who the roster revolves around.
Speaker 1:So this is what happens with us high achieving good girls who like to follow the rules and do everything right, and we get into like, okay, uh, I got to text everybody every day. You know, I got to go on as me. Like, should I? Should I be fair? I don't believe in fairness. Who says I have to be fair? Right, I have a, I'll have a client. Be like well, I kissed this one guy and then I feel bad about not kissing the other guy. You don't owe the other guy your lips because you kiss this other guy. If you, if you want to text one guy more than the other one week, right.
Speaker 1:This is not about creating fairness. This is about what feels most alignment with you. You become, um, like, you're like you're basically trying to become the HR manager of your own dating life. It don't work like that and that means you slip into performance mode. And then you this is when it feels like work and you feel guilty. You feel like you feel guilty about like your options Instead of like just enjoying the options. Like, yeah, I talked to him every other day. I talked to him. Once a week, I go out with him. Once a week, I go out with him twice a week, like I decide what I want to do. He only gets an hour of my time, but this guy gets three hours of my time, right, and we're still building trust in this area. I'm still learning him. I'm still not feeling quite that safe here.
Speaker 1:So it's not about being fair. Instead of thinking how do I manage them all? Oh, how do I remember this, how do I do that? Think like how do I enjoy myself? And let them show me who they are while I'm doing it. When y'all saw me, the men that I have been dating that's not what I think about. Like what's fair? I don't think about what's fair. There was only one of those guys I actually went on trips with. I don't think that is like oh, I'm not being fair because I'm not going on trips with the other guys. I'm not doing that. All right, you are the sun and my clients know what I'm talking about. Like you're the sun and the men are the planets that rotate around you. They're not your priorities. Okay, your job isn't to manage their orbit. Your job is to stay radiant and excited and grounded while observing who's consistent, generous and aligned.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do I enjoy myself and let them show me who they are. Just do it. Y'all are overthinking this. Y'all are overthinking how do I enjoy myself? I want y'all to ask yourself the question how do I enjoy myself? I'm going to say it again how do I enjoy myself? I need to think about how you enjoy yourself. This is not a rocket science here. If there's a place where this is confusing to you, I want you to consider all the places where you might have resistance, because it's not confusing.
Speaker 1:My third point the reason why you keep choosing the wrong man is because you lack a vetting system. You lack a vetting system. Again. People be like I got a roster. You didn't go on a date with any of these men. You don't even have a date planned. How do you have a roster People just in your phone as a roster? We qualify exchanging numbers as options. He's not pursuing you and he don't meet the standard. You don't got no options. You're not even attracted to him, right? That should be a key vetting part of the system. Are you attracted, right? Are you simply attracted? So in my, in my program, I teach I have like a roster to relationship uh system at each checkpoint from moving from a roster, to the rotation, to a relationship. There are several checkpoints that have to be checked off on to verify, right, but what's happening is we don't be having methods, we don't have no structure, it's just the one with the strongest energy wins, or the one with the most chaos wins, right, he's the one applying the most pressure, he's the one that wins. And I'm like no, that's why your feelings keep getting hurt, because you're choosing the one who had the most competitiveness and that's a problem.
Speaker 1:I remember when Latin Poppy gifted me 15K for Christmas was around Christmas and he, you know, he also like was it for Christmas? I can't remember. I can't remember when he gifted me that and then he made this like elaborate setup and like people were like go ahead and choose that man. Y'all saw. If you listen to my podcast, y'all see why I didn't choose him again. He's amazing, he was incredible. But y'all see the reason why I did not choose him.
Speaker 1:I was thinking with my vetting system, and not about the trips and not about the trinkets and not about the romance, right, all the things he was doing for me. I was thinking of the vetting system. Does he vet, does he check off these boxes here? Because I'm not impressed by trinkets, I'm not impressed by pressure, I'm not impressed by any of that. That's the baseline, ok, and people like you should just choose him, tara. And there was a collapse under his own patterns because I was using my vetting system. I was like, see, you see, that's why I didn't do it. Now I was like, see, you see, that's why I didn't do it Now.
Speaker 1:We don't have a vetting system, so we default to whoever we feel you know good, the most good around. Right when I felt, when I was around that man, I was like, oh, I was like a puddle. I was like, oh, my gosh, I just love being around you. I remember I was talking to somebody the other day and she was just like every time she was like every time you talk about this man, you just, oh, yes, my feelings, they got nothing to do with who I choose. My body does not tell me who to choose, because I know my body. You know she be wanting some things that she be she be wanting, she be wanting things she probably don't need. I don't be trusting her.
Speaker 1:Someone says 15 bands that man in love. Yes, and you need to be able to compare values in a man, not vibes. I got lots of vibes. Men give good vibes. I'm a vibe, you know. But we need to look at the value system and that's why, like I teach my clients on how to live by their top 10 core values, right?
Speaker 1:So, for example, with me, my top core value was freedom, and that's one of the reasons why I, the guys that I was dating, I did not choose any of them to go exclusive. I'm still like. I'm like, oh, I'll still date you, but I'm not going to go exclusive with either one of you, because my freedom value is top core, and I'm seeing places where you, if we were in an exclusive relationship, my freedom would be compromised. And what I mean by that doesn't mean not a relationship, it means y'all remember when I was asking if you listen to my podcast and I asked Big Body Benz if we had daughters, would he want them to think like me? And he couldn't answer the question. He had to think. I was like, oh, okay, okay, and then there, and then, when it came to when it came to Saudi and him meeting me, like coming out to Saudi Arabia, when them women just learn how to drive 17, 2017, what I look like, what I look like when I could be locked up for just showing this Right, and then Latin poppy telling me that he needs the last word If we were to get married. My core value is freedom. These men take very good care of me. They're still taking care of me, right.
Speaker 1:Latin poppy came back and it's still he. He came back in a different capacity, right, you know, we we would never have, we don't have the relationship that we had, um, but he's taking care of things. The shift. And then I got to get my ass out of here. Instead of okay, I feel it, I feel it. We want to say I know how to test for it, I know how to test for it, I know how to test. And so you want to make sure that you create checkpoints and not just think about first impression chemistry. Ok, first impression chemistry Look at the checkpoints, decide what the checkpoints are, and I actually teach checkpoints strategic vetting. Y'all need to come join my relationship roster challenge. Drop roster in the comment section. It's $220 as an option of a payment plan, so that you can get the rest of this when I go into depth and explaining exactly how to do this.
Speaker 1:Someone said 15 bands to 10 bands not bad. What's that mean? Oh, the different capacity. So the right man will meet your needs, not just your narrative. Okay. So once you get noticed, approached, pursued, you need to know what to do with those options, or you're going to keep choosing the wrong man.
Speaker 1:And when I say the wrong man, I don't mean he's a bad man. I don't think any of the men that I'm dating right now is a bad man. I think they're all incredible and they all have their own flaws. They're just not the right man and I think a lot of women would be lucky to have them. I think a lot of women would be like grateful for these men. That's just not me. I'm not the woman. Okay, I mean, I am grateful for them. Let me not do that, but I'm not the one that. I'm not the right one for them. I'm the right one for somebody else. Okay, any last questions before I hop off, cause I got a client call coming up. I got to get off. Any last questions before I hop off? But, yeah, y'all, make sure y'all join the challenge type roster in the comment section so that you can join us. You will immediately get access to the replays and then you will be able to join us for the rest of the live calls. Any questions before I hop off? Oh, let's go Getting a little warm in here, all right, any questions. Okay, we're good.
Speaker 1:Someone says can we know who was a provider during the texting early meeting phase? I would literally, I would literally change my brain. Instead of seeking if a man is a provider Because right, because that's when you're treating him like, like he's an ATM, it's an, it's an objectification Right, I don't think is he a provider, right? What I do is I make sure that I am connecting with that man as who he is and making requests that are in align with who I am as a woman. So, for example, when I met Big Body Benz and he said he was long distance at the time, before he moved out here, and he told me he was like hey, I'm going to see you, I'm going to see you in two weeks. He said I'm flying back to see you, and I was like okay, cool. I was like these are the three things I would like to do when you come back and please, like, I would love for you to do these when you come back and I would love for me to experience this and he made sure it happened. Right, that's how I know. Ok, oh, he has capacity for this, but I'm not thinking like how do I see if he's a provider. I'm thinking about what are my desires and can this man fulfill it, but thinking like is he a provider? Again, it's objectifying men and it feels gross when we actually interact with men because that's how we're thinking about them, versus like I'm actually connecting with this man and I have desires and I am a woman of this kind of standard and I want to express this to him and let me just see if he he is aligned with this versus is he a provider man? Yeah, I don't, I don't recommend that.
Speaker 1:How many calls are left? There are two live calls left. We have four recorded calls and two live calls. When we're looking to see if a man is a provider man, it usually comes from us never getting what we want. It usually comes from the thought of like I'm like grabby, grabby, like I need to get something. I need to get something, cause I never get what I want and men never like I need to get something. That's what it. That's the majority of women who have come to me with that. That's where they coming from A lot of lack and not abundance.
Speaker 1:Abundance always feels good. Lack is always going to feel slimy, always going to feel slimy. Okay, all right, I'm out. I'll talk to y'all later. I got to talk to my clients today and I'll see you guys on the relationship roster challenge on Saturday. All right, lady, that's the episode. You know what to do. Go ahead and implement and try it out for yourself, and you also know to go ahead and sign up for the relationship roster challenge. Get in, get the replays, get in review and complete the action items. Get in and get your results. You should be able to have two to three men pursuing you by the end of summer, after you implement what I'm teaching you in there, and you should be able to repeat the process. So I'm excited to see you in a challenge. Have you in a challenge and until next time, bye.