Date with Cents
Date with Cents
Delicious Dating Q&A Part III
You got more questions, I have more answers.
Tune into this week's Q&A where I cover real questions like how to handle men who repeat the same annoying mistakes, what to do when your ex comes back wanting another chance, how to communicate your needs without becoming passive, and how to know if your walkaway power is too strong.
We also talk about managing expectations when dating feels too good to be true, entering new relationships when your life feels messy, and how to improve your vetting skills to filter out the wrong men...and more!
If you’re ready to date deliciously and confidently attract men who serve and support you…
Join the Relationship Roster Challenge HERE.
Join the waitlist for C2C. Click Here To Join the Waitlist
Follow me on Instagram for more dating gems at:
@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. Two things Number one the Relationship Roster Challenge, is still available to invest in. We just wrapped up the next to last call. We still have one more call. We wrapped up the Get Options call where I teach the Royal Method in order to vet men in your roster to make sure that these are the kinds of men that you need to be talking to. So I just did that call and the next call that we have is like a bonus integration call where I am coaching on all the things that we did in the past five weeks that we were working together. So if you haven't joined a relationship roster challenge, you can still hop in and join us live for the last call and then also you can have the replays so that you can get a result by the end of summer. You didn't have to show up live to get the result, you just need to do the work. So it's $220. There's an option for a payment plan. You can see the link in the show notes. So that's number one.
Speaker 1:Number two is, oh, my signature program curved to cuff. That has been closed for almost two years now. I am about to release it publicly very soon and I'm so excited about it. I've been working very hard behind the scenes so if you haven't seen me publicly on Instagram or on social media, it's because I've been working hard in the background to get ready for this Curve to Custom launch. It's going to be absolutely amazing. I know we're going to bring some amazing women in the program and if you are interested in joining us, you can actually join the wait list in the show notes.
Speaker 1:I am going to be for those of y'all on my email list. I'm going to be sending y'all a lot of emails very, very soon. Y'all might get tired of my ass. Now you can unsubscribe, but just know that if you do unsubscribe you would actually like. If you buy anything from me or sign up for anything else, you will not get that email, because I know some people like they like to unsubscribe and then they're like Tora. How come I didn't get an email after I purchased this? Cause you unsubscribe, or you could just, instead of unsubscribing you just if you're not interested in joining C2C, you can just send those emails automatically, get forward into a different email box. Like we're adults, we can just choose to move the emails, cause sometimes people are like Tora, stop sending so many emails, just delete them or just decide to unsubscribe or send them to the thing Cause I'm not going to stop sending the emails, but yeah, so I'm going to be sending a lot of emails around that and I've been creating some amazing curriculum for Curve to Cuff that if you join Curve to Cuff and you don't get your result you tried hard to not get a result Like it's hard to come into the program and not get a result with the way I have things set up now.
Speaker 1:I even did a training recently with clients that's also in the portal like how to get your money's worth, basically, how to get a $5,000 return on your investment when you join C2C in 30 days and 60 days and 90 days. So when you come into the program, you don't have to worry about like, oh, am I being responsible with my money. I show you how to be responsible with it. I show you how to get a return on investment, so you think it's the best money you've ever spent. Anywho, that's you know.
Speaker 1:Today's episode is Instagram live of a free for all Q&A delicious dating Q&A. I just allow people to ask me a bunch of questions and I answered them, and I love doing this because y'all get to you know, hear me answer questions on the spot, and they're always really good. Like I think I'm amazing at what I do. And so this episode I'm sure at least one of these questions is going to give you some insight to make a change in your love life this week. I am sure at least one of the questions that I answer. So, that being said, without further ado, here's the episode. What's up, little girl? Today's live is going to be a free for all. We're going to do a delicious dating Q&A. So if you have your questions, I have the answers. And so, just if you have a question, make sure that you post your question in the question box in order for me to see it, your question in the question box in order for me to see it. You can put it in the chat, but the problem with that is I might not be able to see it with all the chats going in. So, yes, welcome, welcome guys, welcome, welcome. I'm so happy that you're here. So the first thing, that, before we start getting into questions and like, I have some things that I'm like, oh, I can kind of talk about this while people come on the live, and if you're on the live, this is a delicious dating Q&A. If you have questions, I have the answers to be answered today is I'm noticing there is a trend of us getting highly annoyed with men.
Speaker 1:We're getting highly annoyed because men did something that we did not like, or we're getting frustrated because they're not showing up in a certain way or they are not. Basically, they're just not doing what we want them to do, and so we get annoyed and frustrated. The problem with that is annoyance and frustration is an energy leak. It literally is a waste of your time to be annoyed. It is a waste of your time to be frustrated with men. If you're annoyed or you're frustrated, it's because you have not set a boundary. There's a place where you have not set a boundary and because of that, you're allowing yourself to suffer from it, and that hurts nobody but you. You mad, but you still like men. You're annoyed, but you still want to date. Right, you're frustrated, but you still want to talk to men. So therefore, you need to solve for this problem. If you don't solve for this problem, you're going to consistently want a man but be complaining about men, and that's not what we want here.
Speaker 1:So I'll give you an example and, for those of y'all who are just jumping on, you can put your questions in the question box. It's just a Q&A session today. Example I have a client that I'm working with and she sent me a message this week stating that hey, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed because we set a time and a location for a date and this guy followed up asking me what the time and the location was, when I thought we already figured it out. Also, he tells me that he's getting ready later and that means he's more than likely going to be late. Right, so I'm annoyed and I'm frustrated and put a one in the comments.
Speaker 1:If you've ever experienced anything like that, in terms of like a man frustrating you or you being frustrated by what he does, I want you to take your focus away from what that man is not doing and how that man is not showing up. It's a distraction. Take your focus away from there and put your focus on what you actually desire. Put your focus on what you actually want to experience, because that is what's going to make you feel clear and abundant and that is going to lead to you getting what you want or moving people out of the way who cannot give you what you want. Someone says I love when you give us such examples, I'm so happy. So my recommendation is, if you don't want any of that stuff to happen, focus on what you do want, and so you do want.
Speaker 1:I want a man who shows up on time. I want a man who is very intentional about how he shows up for me. I want a man who's very intentional about planning dates and knowing, knowing the logistics. Like that is what I want, instead of focusing on he's not doing that. He's not doing that. Okay, so what we need to do is hey, I noticed that you asked me for time and location after we already solidified that. One thing that's very important to me is a man that is very intentional about dating me, and that includes remembering the logistics. That's important to me To let the man know and be very, very clear so that there's no confusion whatsoever. Another thing you can do is, if he's like you know he's going to be late, like hey, I move best when the man that that, that that is dating me, is on time. Oh, who's who values my time, and I'm unavailable to continue a connection If that is not the case. That is so clear. There's no confusion. There's no. I'm frustrated because he's not doing what I want him to do. It's just. I'm just pissed off because he's. That's a waste of your time and energy and it makes you hate dating versus hell.
Speaker 1:I did it this morning. I might actually just share that post. I might share you the screenshots if you want. Yeah, I might share those screenshots. But, guys, fyi, there's some new people that came on. This is a delicious dating Q&A. So if you have questions, put your questions in the question box and I will get to it and answer those for you, but I'm just sharing this right now.
Speaker 1:I did it this morning. There was a guy that I met this weekend. I was interested in being connected to him and he was texting me and it started off good of him texting me, so good. But then I felt like, okay, this after a day, literally a day of texting, because yesterday was his first day texting me. After a day of texting, I'm like, okay, this doesn't seem like this man is like moving things forward or intentional, like he's asking me questions and he's telling me how amazing he thinks I am and how you know he loves my personality and how he thinks it was destined for us to meet. But this man is not being very clear about what he wants from me. So I didn't send that man a message.
Speaker 1:I was like hey, I said I am not a texting to just be texting. I don't normalize texting to just be texting. I show up best when a man is has a clear purpose for why he's texting me and he expresses that purpose, and when he is intentional about how he's getting to know me, he's very direct about that. Like that is how I show up best. And he came back he was like thank you, thank you for you know, sharing that. He said my goal is like you are a woman to be intentional with. But, to be completely honest, I just have so much on my plate, blah, blah, blah. And I was like thank you for sharing. But he said I just don't want to create incomplete energies with you.
Speaker 1:I said thanks for sharing, but this texting feels like an incomplete energy for me, and so whenever you get a little bit more grounded in your life, where you have space to be intentional, please reach out right, because I'm unavailable. I am interested in you, but I am unavailable for that type of energy. That's I don't have to be annoyed. Now I'm no longer annoyed. I can't be annoyed because I've I focused on what I wanted versus what he wasn't doing.
Speaker 1:Cause, imagine if I just went to like it was day one. Imagine if I went day three, week three and I'm still going through that. I'm going to be frustrated and complaining about my dating life and that's going to create more draining and exhaustion. I don't have time for that. I got to be more men. I got to be. I got to be in my tip top mindset when I'm meeting new men. I can't be drained and exhausted about another man, and so I get that out clear and concise so that I can move on and have space for the right kinds of men. I hope that's making sense. So I just wanted to share that because I'm seeing that consistently coming out when we can just knock that out. If so, I just wanted to share that because I'm seeing that consistently coming out. We can just knock that out. If you would like for me to share my messages with this guy or this example in my stories, put it to in the comment section. If you would like for me to share that and I might take my time and actually share the exchange so that you can actually see the messages that I sent to him or the exchange between the both of us.
Speaker 1:Okay, someone says do you recommend speaking up early on or watching for consistent, inconsistent behavior? Absolutely, I recommend speaking up the first time they do something. I don't like the first time. There was a man this week that I met and I'm really excited about that, I'm really excited about, and he texted like I was flirting with him. He like gave me a nickname and I was like flirting with him a little bit. I was like, oh, like if, if that gives me some more attention, if that earns me some attention, I'll allow it. I'll allow you to give me the nickname. So he comes back and he was like allow. He was like I thought he said I lead you, follow.
Speaker 1:The moment that hit my chest, I checked it. I was like I sent him a message behind that, like it was a serious message the way he came back at me and I basically let him know. Number one I texted him and then I had a conversation with him later on that evening because that did not feel good in my body, right, I didn't leave my marriage where I felt like I was controlled, to like go into a connection where I'm being controlled like that. I'm completely unavailable for that. And so I let him know, like I lit, like I, what did I say? I said something like I find it very easy to follow men, ask him what does leadership mean to him, and let him know that I'm completely unavailable for any kind of dynamics where I feel control or where he feels like I don't have a voice, like we need to end this today.
Speaker 1:I clock it early, I do not wait, I do not think like, oh, I don't want to hurt his feelings. No, somebody's feelings is going to be hurt and it's not going to be mine. If anybody's feelings is going to be hurt, it's not going to be mine. Okay, it's not going to be mine. So I'm not going to be the one suffering in silence at all. Okay, let me get to these questions. Put your questions in the question box If you want me to answer your questions today. Say, we're just doing a general, delicious dating Q&A.
Speaker 1:Someone says what if he repeats that mistakes? That annoys me. I don't understand why y'all are still dating men that repeats those mistakes. I'm very confused as to why y'all are still dating men who were repeating the mistakes. My recommendation for myself is I don't date men who don't learn from their mistakes. A man can make all the mistakes, but he must learn from them. There must be some kind of learning right. So if he's repeating mistakes that annoy you, then you need to ask yourself why am I dating him? Or why is he somebody in my sphere? Okay, if it's bothering you, if it's annoying you, if you can't accept him for who he is, why is he there? Because my energy will not be drained because someone keeps making mistakes that annoy me or piss me off. So that's the question that I would ask, like I like for me. You either accept him fully for who he is as a person, or you need to just ask yourself why am I still dating this person who's making these mistakes? You got to choose. You can't be in the middle Like. You absolutely have to choose. Someone says put your questions in the question box if you want me to answer your questions, because the chat goes so fast.
Speaker 1:Someone says what if you're already dating one guy since a year and when, thinking of marriage, you'd like to have a roster, to be sure, but he's amazing too, but don't want to regret ever later how to communicate or manage that. So basically what I think I'm hearing you saying, like you are, you've been dating this guy for a while, but the problem is you're like, oh, I want to see what else is out there before I commit to this man long term. The question is, that's going to be up to you. There is literally no right or wrong answer. There are going to be some women here that say, girl, he's a good man, you need to just keep him. You need to not worry about what else is out there. You already got a good one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Don't be greedy. You'll have people saying that. You'll also have people saying, girl, you need to look out for you and you just need to go and just be with him without exploring. And I'm going to tell you, neither of those choices are wrong. You just have to be happy with your choice, right?
Speaker 1:A lot of times we are indecisive because we don't want to choose and be happy with the choice. We want to play the middle instead of just making a choice and deciding to be happy about it, deciding to be content with the decision. Right, am I? Do I want to roster before I get married, do I not? It's going to be up to you and then being like you could lose that person. You have to be OK with that. You could regret sticking with that person. You have to be OK with all possibilities. This is what it looks like. To be an adult is to make hard decisions and then choosing to be happy with the choice. Choosing. Whatever the outcome is is choosing so that that needs to sit with you. Queen, you need to sit and ask yourself what do I want, what do I want to experience, what are the pros and cons of all of this and what do I want to do? And how am I going to choose to be happy with my choice, no matter what the result is? That's my response there.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do you get over feeling like a relationship is too good to be true early on? The reason why most women struggle with this is too good to be true is because they're attached to an outcome. They're thinking, oh my gosh, she's doing all of this Like this might end horribly and this might not blast, or he could be love bombing me, or he could be a creep. Like you're attached to how things should be like. You need an outcome and that is why you're like, oh, this is too good to be true. This might end tomorrow. Yeah, it might end tomorrow. You need to be okay with that. You need to be okay with that. Yeah, he might not be a good fit. You need to be okay with that. Yeah, he might be love bombing. You need to be okay with that. Yeah, he might not be a good fit. You need to be okay with that. Yeah, he might be love bombing. You need to be okay with that. Make sure you have protections in place, right Like? You need to be okay with all the possibilities and just enjoy what's happening.
Speaker 1:I don't freak out about a man love bombing me, bomb me. Bomb me because I have boundaries. I'm not I'm not feeling to be attached to an outcome just because you buy me a bunch of gifts or you fly me out early, or you spending a lot of money on me, or you telling me how much you love me. I'm going to enjoy every gift, all the emotional support. I'm going to enjoy every single bit. I'm not going to be attached to the outcome. That's why I'm not scared of anybody love bombing me. I'm not scared of anybody manipulating me, because I got boundaries.
Speaker 1:You can't manipulate somebody who has strong boundaries, right, and who is very clear, who is very clear on what they want, right. So if a man is showing up and he's doing all these things for me, I'm like, oh, thank you, baby, thank you, thank you so much, not thinking like, oh, he's going to be my man. I'm betting. If he's going to be my man, I'm going to be asking him for things that he can't get a benefit from. I'm going to be asking for specific things that he could, because love bombers do things for you that benefit them, that puts them in the driver's seat, because it allows them to manipulate. But my boundaries make it clear that I'm making requests that don't benefit you. I'm enjoying this and me and you might not talk next week, and I'm okay with that.
Speaker 1:So if you are struggling with how to get over feeling like a relationship is too good to be true, it's because you are attached to how things should end. You need it to end a certain way instead of just being okay that it may not end in that way and be open to all the possibilities. We be holding on for, dear God, we don't know what God has for us. I really believe what God has for us. I really believe what god has for me. It is for me. What god has for me, it is for me, listen. I believe that that's why I'm not pressed and stressed about things needing to go a certain way, Because whatever God has for me, it's going to be for me, regardless.
Speaker 1:Someone says Tor, how are you snatching my edges during the workday? Lord, I have to get back on these people's Zoom after this. Ah, oh God, listen, I'm just saying y'all, make sure y'all put your questions in the question box If you have questions, so that I can catch it. I'm not catching everything in the chat. Thank you guys. Thank you. Hype me up, hype me up, what's that song? Hype me up. Hype me up. What's that song? Hype me up.
Speaker 1:Someone says I used to communicate well, but slowly. In the dating I feel like I've become a bit more passive vocally because the dating dynamic didn't have the space to communicate that well. That's a very common thing, high achieving good women of faith. We've been raised to be a certain way, and the problem with how we've been conditioned is that when people push back on what we say, we've been programmed to believe we've believe we're wrong. We're wrong if somebody gets upset Like, be nice, play nice, julie, be nice, don't make people mad, don't hurt people's feelings. Oh, you hurt their feelings. That's how we've been raised as women, as girls, and so it it. It really shows. It shows up a lot of places in our life, but it really shows up with dating, because dating is a portal of of all the pain that we've experienced relationally from the past with our parents, with our family members right, with our cousins right. Dating is the portal that pulls all that pain to the front and be like look at it. You can't run away from the trauma. So that's, that is one reason why I treat dating like a spiritual practice, because it really exposes so much.
Speaker 1:So what happens is these men push back on us. They're like why are you? Why are you acting like that? Why are you doing too much? Why are you so sensitive? And then we think that we're wrong because of how they behave when we express what we want, instead of just cutting these men off right, instead of being so clear and convicted in our own desires and saying you know what? This is not in alignment with me. I only want to date men who respect and honor how I want to show up. I get it, you're not a bad guy, but this doesn't work for me, right? This dynamic doesn't work for me, and so we lose a little bit of self-trust. I'll talk about this in my marriage. When I was married, I did not trust myself because this? Because when we would be in conversation, he would make it seem as though I was crazy or I wasn't making sense or it was against God's will, and so I'm like who am I? Is what I'm saying right? Is it wrong? That's a horrible place to be as an adult person. It's the question, your own voice. It's the question, your own voice. So, yeah, I completely get that.
Speaker 1:So the key here is to start practicing saying what you need to say and standing by your shit. Standing by it. Standing by it. He pushes back. Stand by it. Okay, you might be wrong. Okay, let yourself be wrong, but stand by you. Stand by you, always Right, and if you're wrong, you can clean it up later. But a lot of our desires are not wrong. We'd be suppressing them. So I just want to. I know that was a long answer and I'm trying not to be so long winded, but I just really want y'all to understand. I really want y'all to get it.
Speaker 1:Okay, someone said how do you stop the ghost of exes past? How do you know who to entertain a second time is so interesting, considering that my ex came back recently. Latin poppy, I might. I'm going to talk about it in the podcast. Spinning the block is not a problem. Spinning the block without like being clear and without structure, that's an issue. That's an issue. So if someone, if you know who to entertain the second time, when that person comes back with a plan to be better, when that person comes back with action steps to be better, what the kids say vibes. We're not going off of vibes. So how is this different? What are the practical actions that you've done to actually even be ready for this? Now, this is all this all determines.
Speaker 1:Like if the man messed up, like if y'all were on two different pages and nobody messed up, y'all you know, figure, know, figure it out right. So I wasn't the same person, that I was right, but that person needs to come back. He can't come back with I miss you. He can't come back with. Oh, you was looking good. I saw your post on Instagram. You was looking good. He can't come back with that. He has to come back with I messed up. I know I messed up. Here's how I've. Here's how I plan on working on things. Here's how I plan on showing up better for you.
Speaker 1:So, for example, latin poppy has come back, but he is not an intricate part of my life anymore and he there are. There are lots of boundaries around our connection. Right, I still love him. Right, but even with how much I love him, he still can't have access to certain like parts of me. He can't see me the way he used to. He can't. He can't talk to me the way he used to, or have access to me or even come to my home. Right, like, that's not even available to him.
Speaker 1:Because one of the things that he has to to show up like to even have a friendship with me we even talk about to have a friendship is to repair what was torn. What is the repair? What is the repair plan? How are you repairing our relationship? Because there was impact there. How are you working on yourself? What are you doing? What is your plan and how did you working on yourself like? What are you doing? What is your what? What is your plan and how did you execute this week? He'll send me a message and he's like hey, I would like to take you out to lunch. And I'm just like hey, what did you do this week? How have you worked on yourself this week? What did you do? Like, I don't. Like, we don't even have to talk. We don't have to talk about lunch or dinner. Let's talk about how we've made progress, how you've made progress in your life. What's the therapist talking about? What's going on there? So he doesn't get the same level of access.
Speaker 1:Someone says I made a request to a man I am dating. He agreed. Now he tells me that he did not do it because he thought I was not serious about the request. I am annoyed and done with him, but I want to know if I should take a different approach. Y'all. It's a waste of space, it's a waste of energy to be annoyed with these men like that and not get what you want. The simple answer is to let him know I'm serious. Now what? No, I'm actually serious and I would like for you to do it. That's it. That's that simple. I'm serious and I want you to do it. That's it. It's just to clarify and say no, I'm serious and I would like for you to handle that for me, thank you. Thank you very much. You can be done with him, but I'm not going to be done with somebody without trying to get what I want Right.
Speaker 1:Someone says can your walkaway power be too strong? I'm not good at forgiving mistakes. That I think should never be made. Typically, well, first of all, yes, your walkaway power can be too strong. Typically, when women do this is because they're really hard on themselves. When women are not good at forgiving mistakes from others no-transcript she has very little compassion for herself and like speaks very negatively in her brain. She goes into shame spirals, blame spirals on herself. She makes it really hard to be compassionate for herself and it shows up in how she talks, how she deals with men. It's a mirror, and so if you're not good at forgiving mistakes number one I would focus on being a lot more compassionate to yourself. That's a mirror, and so if you're not good at forgiving mistakes number one I would focus on being a lot more compassionate to yourself. That's number one and number two there's a difference between a man who isn't perfect and a man who ain't worth it.
Speaker 1:The man who isn't perfect. He always going to make mistakes, even the ones you think he she shouldn't make, cause you're going to make some mistakes that people are like how the hell Now, how the hell June did this. Why would she even do that? Like some of y'all be making mistakes that I could be like now how the hell Now, why would you even do? Like I could judge you in that way Because I am. I have an advanced level understanding in certain things, or like I'm more skilled here, so therefore I can look at some of these questions and be like what kind of stupid ass question is that? Or I can be like they just that's where they're at right now. That's exactly where they're at right now. I'm going to help them where they're at.
Speaker 1:This is about like this is not about a man completely overriding your boundaries and continuing to make mistakes after you talk to him. If a man makes a mistake which he will, they will always make mistakes you need to act like. You need to ask yourself is this a man that makes a mistake that he can look, that he's going to learn from, and if so, I'm going to forgive it? Right now, there are some non-negotiables and you need to ask yourself. What are your non-negotiables of? Like I am never going to forgive a man who does blah, blah, blah Because smoking crack at the party you know that's not a mistake. I want to forgive and I'm very clear on that because it's not a safe it's. It's, it jeopardizes my safety. I don't want to date a man who casually, is just like oh, I made a mistake and I smoke crack at this party. I didn't mean to but I did. Well, that's not a mistake. I'm going to forgive it's, it's a non-negotiable. Any time, any type of those addictions is out of my hands, it's above me now. Okay, it's above me now. So that's my answer to that.
Speaker 1:Someone says what is the best way to approach a convo with a guy you are dating that has stopped showing up in the little ways you like but doesn't do it anymore? The best way is to let him know that you noticed and you would like them to continue, that you noticed and you missed those things that you noticed and you would like those things that you noticed. And it feels the connection feels less potent because those things aren't happening. So be very clear. Like hey, I noticed that you used to take me out and you don't anymore. That makes me feel unseen, like I would feel very loved if we can go back to our weekly dates. I would feel very loved if we can go back to our weekly dates. I would feel very loved if we could.
Speaker 1:Now some of y'all want somebody to text y'all all throughout the day and call y'all every day. Like a lot of times men will show up hot and heavy. But then if he's a builder, especially if he's doing great things in the world, he can't keep up that pace he had at the beginning and we then got addicted to the pace Instead of realizing that that man has to come down, especially considering that oxytocin and testosterone does not rise in tandem. Right, scientifically, the closer that a man, when a man is bonding strongly with a woman, testosterone levels lower. He needs some space to go be a man and get his manhood back. He needs the testosterone to rise, so he'll take some space. Especially if y'all was like heavy hitting right and I understand I'm like, oh, he need to go get his testosterone fix Because it doesn't rise in tandem with oxytocin, the bonding chemical. Y'all. Make sure y'all questions are in the question box if you want me to answer them, but that's my answer to that.
Speaker 1:Someone says how do you go about entering a new relationship when your life is a mess? It depends on what the mess is Like. This is a loaded question. It requires a lot more coaching, because what is a mess? Is a mess? Completely broke Is a mess. Negative bank account is a mess. You ain't got no food in your fridge right Is is? Is a mess? Um, I don't know. You had five people die in your life all in the same week. Like what is a mess? I don't know what a mess is.
Speaker 1:So for me, my mess when I left my marriage was like okay, I don't have that provider, I got to take care of myself, pay my own bills. I don't know what to do with my business right now because I'm a dating coach who left my marriage. There's some shame around that. I also don't have a place to live because I left my house and I went to jail. I was in jail for days. I don't have a place to live because I left my house and I went to jail. I was in jail for days. I don't got no clothes, I don't got no front, I don't have anything. That was a mess to me and I personally, did not think about going into a relationship, but I did think about dating. A relationship Hell, no, think about dating A relationship. Hell, no. Dating, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Because dating for me, is a spiritual practice where you learn more about yourself in the world and where it allows you to work out some of your patterns, your relationship patterns, real time, in ways that you can't do in isolation. There are tons of patterns you can never clear or clean up. You can't do in isolation. There are tons of patterns you can never clear or clean up. Just sit and talking to your therapist, journaling about boundaries, going to a self-worth course is not going to happen until a man is in your face and that pain comes up or that trigger comes up. And so dating allowed me to like work through when I left my marriage. Oh, shoot, like I have a trigger around men dominating me. Oh, this is how it's showing up in dating. Here's how I'm going to practice, because all these men trying to dominate me the same way that happened in my marriage, let me practice this right now. Let me practice these boundaries right now. Let me practice the conversations right now with these men, because when I'm ready for a relationship, I will. I will have all the practice I need, right? Oh, I have a money. I have a scarcity issue with money. Let me date men with money so that I can get into the spirit of abundance. Oh, I got bad credit. Let me date men with good credit. Right, let me clean this up.
Speaker 1:I wasn't thinking getting into a relationship with my mess. I was thinking about dating in a way that would clean up my mess. So your question is loaded, but I gave you a specific example from my life, so hopefully that's helpful without me having to provide like coaching. I'm only answering questions that are in the question box. So the person who said the mess, she said low funds and a dying path, low funds and a dying pattern. I mean, it's still like I would have to know the ins and outs of your life to be like how do you enter this relationship? You can enter into a relationship being broke and having a dying parent. You will just have to meet broke and having a dying parent. You will just have to meet, have certain things put into place. There will have to be a lot of conversations, like you can do that, but this will require this will require coaching, high level coaching. This is not something I can cover right here.
Speaker 1:All right, someone says guy and I match talk 10 days, move to text. He said he wanted to build a connection but now barely replies, just likes messages. He mentioned family stuff going on, but combo shifted. I like chatting but don't want to chase. Should I reach out or let it go? I want to ask you why do you like chatting so much, you? Why do you like chatting so much that you would like to carry a conversation for a man who is not interested in moving it along? I'm not going to tell you what to do here, because when y'all say, should I reach out and let it go, that's y'all asking me for permission. But y'all give yourselves permission. We are all adults, right? I will never tell you like, oh, you should do this, you should do that, but I'm going to ask you some really good questions so you can decide for yourself. Why is it so important for you to carry this question, carry this conversation where this man is clearly not interested in carrying it, even if the family stuff is going on, rachel, even if the family stuff is going on, rachel, rachel, hey boo, I just want to ask because I'll never tell y'all what to do. Y'all are adults.
Speaker 1:Some of y'all were not on earlier when I talked about the guy who I'm interested in, who I met at a party this weekend, and he texted me for the first time yesterday. And I don't like rant, I don't like navigating texts to just be texting and I just let them know, like I don't normalize texting to just be texting. I show up best when men are very direct with me, very intentional about the purpose of why they're texting me, and they're very intentional about the connection that they express in a kind of connection they want to build with me. And he let me know he didn't really have space because he had so much going on in his life and I was like, great, now we get to move on. You need to ask yourself what do I want?
Speaker 1:There's a place where you don't believe that you can have what you want and therefore you're chasing it in the sky. You don't believe that you can have a man, an attractive, stable man, emotionally available man that's going to move you into a relationship, that's going to move intentionally with you. There's a place where you don't believe that because you're you're, you're gripping to this. So I would ask why. I would ask myself why someone says what if you need space and busy, but he's constantly contacting you after stating you're interested but busy? I think there's a place where you may not be clear. Here there's two things happening. Either he's rude where you may not be clear. Here there's two things happening. Either he's rude or you're not being clear. Saying I'm busy and I'm interested is not clear.
Speaker 1:Clear is saying hey, I'm really interested in moving our connection along. I will say that there are a lot of things on my plate right now and in order for us to date. It would look like this, it would look like that, it would look like contact, like talking two times a week, it would look like a date one time a week with no text in between. Right, it would look like two phone calls a week. There's a place where you're not clear and you're expecting him, for him, to be clear on what's happening in your life. Or he's just being rude, because if I express that clarity, that level of clarity to a man like hey, I'm actually unavailable to text you daily. I can like. What I have for you right now is morning dates on Fridays. That's what I have available and he decides to do something different. He's being rude, but most of us are good girls who don't know how to ask for what we want or express a desire clearly. So I am almost sure it is the former. I'm almost sure of that.
Speaker 1:Someone says I knew that I was more scared to avoid the bad men than to attract the good ones, because I was not sure that I can filter the bad ones out. Now, what you need to improve your sophisticated vetting skills. If I were you, every day I would be trying to improve my vetting skills. I would not be working on securing a man or look like focused, like focused on looking for companionship, right, focused on that. Like I wouldn't be focused on that. I'd be like how do I improve my vetting skills today? What do I need to do to improve my vetting skills? Like I'll be working on those In my program, curved to Cuff, we have seven specific core skills that the women work on in the program, and sophisticated vetting is one of them. So if you're interested, you should definitely join C2C when I open up the doors very, very soon, because I'm about to, in a few weeks, open the doors for you guys to join, but you need to work on your vetting skills.
Speaker 1:The queen who talked about the when we were talking about a guy being rude. She says it's been daily and we just met, so maybe it's being rude also. No, that's not being rude. Being rude is doing something you were told not to do not having this expectation. See, good girls. What good girls do is we like to be good and play by rule unspoken rules. Men don't play by them, damn rules. They live like adults, right, in terms of like I'm just going to do with what I want to do. We're like I'm going to act a certain way so that people don't think a certain kind of way. Men typically don't do that because they were not conditioned to be that way. And so we have these unspoken rules for men who like to do what they want to do, instead of just being very clear that, hey, I don't want to do that or I don't, I don't want to interact with you in that way. Right, it's not rude unless we were very clear.
Speaker 1:Someone says what are your thoughts on a guy that is a great guy, meets all my criteria, but has a criminal background, harms someone? In self-defense, I told him I'm OK with being friends, but can't be anything insidious. Until the case was off. I mean, my thoughts is you're grown, do what you want to do. They're like every situation is different and I can't be like I am not your permission for this. This is you. Only you know the ins and outs. Only Only you know what's happening there, and so that's going to be up to you. That's my thoughts Is that it's going to be your choice and you just need to be responsible around your choice and how you make. I tell clients constantly, all the time Say, what should I do? Like I see he has a background. I'm like all right, what do you want to do about it? I always ask my clients what do you want to do? If we do this, then we're going to have to consider this. If we do that, then you know we'll move on to the next guy. But, like, what do you want to do? And I'll support you in that.
Speaker 1:Someone says are you ever inspired to do things for the guys you date or do they ever ask you for anything they would like? Oh man, that's a really good question question. I'm always inspired to do things for them. I'd be inspired to rub feet. I'd be inspired to sing songs. One of the guys that I've dated, like he just loved this one song that I would sing all the time. Sometimes I'm inspired to like, like, hey, like, hey, let's do, let's do this for your birthday. Like, for example, with big body bins. I know that he hadn't eaten cake in like years and so I was inspired and this was long distance he was living in Tennessee at the time so I was inspired to order a vegan, gluten-free something cake, because I know he's very health conscious to make just for him a dairy-free, gluten-free, vegan cake. And I surprised him with it and I wrote I was like happy birthday, big Body Benz. He hadn't had cake in years and he was so excited he loved it. So I'm inspired to do that. I do really nice things on birthdays, like one guy. I could go on and on. So, yeah, someone says hey.
Speaker 1:So I'm struggling with the expectation of outcome angle. How do you go about this? For instance, I recently met an amazing man, a beautiful date, so excited. Combo decreased just one of your thoughts on managing expectations. So the thing is, you think, because you met an amazing man and you had a beautiful date, that something had to happen, that something had to happen because you had a beautiful date that something needs to happen because he's an amazing man. That's why you're attached to the outcome, versus like being in the present moment and just enjoying it. Like you think something has to happen. Nothing has to happen. We go on this beautiful date and we might not ever see each other again, but you're in the future planning something that doesn't even exist. You're attached to the outcome because you're like it's an amazing man. We had a great date. We're going to have a great future. We had a great date. We're going to have a great future. We can have a great future. We're going to have a great time next week, two weeks from now. It's going to be amazing. This is going to happen. Like no, nothing has to happen, nothing at all. I'm going to enjoy this day and if I never talk to you again, that's it.
Speaker 1:You know I I'm going back to what God has for me is for me, so I never have to be in scarcity about a man. I never have to be in scarcity. The only what I do is when I have an amazing date with a man, when I have an amazing date with a man and I think he's incredible, what I do is I collect evidence. I collect a lot of evidence. I'm like, oh my gosh, look at how. Look at the amazing men that I attract, no matter what. Oh my gosh, look how financially successful they are. Look, look at how emotionally intelligent they are. Look at who I attract. They're great. I have such great skills to attract such amazing men. I have such great skills. Like, look at, like, look at what I'm able to do. I can keep doing this over and over and over and over and over again, because I got great skills.
Speaker 1:I don't think, oh well, this might not work out. Oh, man, man, like he's a great guy, what if he stops talking to me? I don't think that. I just think, like, wow, like he's interested in me. Like yesterday I met a guy here. Oh, I saw him at the coffee shop. Oh, this man was so, he was so fine y'all. Oh, this man was so fine. I got up and I saw him sitting in the corner and I smiled and I waved at him and he, he gave me the, he gave me a look. I'm like, okay, I just nodded my head so he can come follow me out of the door. And so he got up, he fought, he gave me this. Oh, he smiled, I might post.
Speaker 1:I recorded some of it. I might post it in my stories. Put it through in the comments. If you want me to post in my stories that man, I'm not gonna show his face, I'm not gonna show his face, but this man he's not. He wasn't from Dallas, that's the thing. Like he wasn't from Dallas and we couldn't like I wasn't available for like the distance and his availability, um for the distance.
Speaker 1:But my evidence was like look at Torah, look at how you easily attract the kind of man your type. That was my evidence. I was like look at how you be attracting your type out in the wild. You know how to connect with men online and offline. No problem, he is your type girl, Keep going, keep going to these coffee shops, keep. That's what I'll be telling myself. Not like man. Oh, when I finally meet a guy like this, we can't even make it happen because it's long distance. And why can't I meet a man who's local like I don't think like that. I tell myself good things. I tell myself good things.
Speaker 1:Someone said your confidence is amazing. That's what the man told me yesterday. He was like yeah, you're really confident. I was like yeah, because that man. He was just like, yeah, I'm out here, I'm a chemical engineer and I'm trying to build relationships with private clients. And I was like can I be your private client? I said I actually have the video, I'm going to share it. I was like can I be your private client? He even looked at my hair and he was like are those locks, are those real? I was like, yeah, you want to touch them? He was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, touch them. But you know there was he's like, you know there was, um, he's like, you know you take really good care of your hair and your skin. And I just that man was so fine. Anywho, i'ma post the video I just have y'all.
Speaker 1:I'm just working so much in the background of this of my curb to cuff launch, that I ain't been really posting all my stuff in my story. But I got so much to tell, I got so much to post so much things. Y'all going to love it. You're going to love it. Once I get done writing all the stuff to promote my launch, we're going to do it. So, yeah, let me see. Okay, all right, it's time to go. I'll post this stuff when I get done. I'm working on my c2c launch and I'm going to try to post some of these things that I told y'all about today. So, because people be thinking I be playing like I'm not out here lying, I'm actually dating for real, I'm actually meeting men for real, I'm actually doing the work that I'm telling y'all to do for real and I'm trying to show y'all in real time that these skills can be built.
Speaker 1:I didn't wake up like this.
Speaker 1:I build seven core skills that I teach my clients how to do.
Speaker 1:You don't wake up confident. You create like. You have the courage to work on your capacity to build competence. That leads to confidence. Ooh, that was good, tori. That was real good. That was off the dome. That was good.
Speaker 1:Okay, I gotta go y'all because I got six clients to work with today. Back to back, back to back back. I gotta go. I love y'all. See y'all on the flip side.
Speaker 1:Tantalia. All right, girl, that was the episode. You already know what to do. Implement immediately. Don't just sit and consume everything that I talked about.
Speaker 1:I want you to take at least one answer that I provided here and I want you to apply it to your life. I want you to apply it to your love life this week. Apply it to one of the men that you're dating, create a boundary right, switch a mindset thing and I want you to show up differently in your love life by using one of those. And for those of y'all who want to go deeper into this work, go ahead and sign up for the relationship roster challenge. Again, we still have a live call to go. You have time to join us. You can go to the link in the show notes and also join the wait list to curve to cuff, my 12 month signature program of helping you build a rotation of two to three quality men that you can choose as husband material in 90 days. There's a wait list. Go ahead and put your name on the wait list in the show notes, but until next time, bye.