Date with Cents
Date with Cents
My Ex Came Back (Here's How I'm Handling It)
My ex came back (Latin Papi)
In this episode, I'm breaking down exactly how I'm handling this situation, including my five-step repair plan that lets me enjoy what works between us while protecting my peace.
You'll learn the difference between repair and reconciliation, why trusting patterns over promises keeps you out of fantasy, and how the right boundaries actually give you more freedom instead of less.
I'm sharing the blueprint for handling any ex who tries to come back into your life without losing yourself in the process.
If you're a woman who wants to handle your messy ex situations with in way that feels powerful and confident to you…
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@torahcents
@curved2cuffed
What's up, lover girl? Welcome back to the Date With Sense podcast. This is going to be another teardropper, a little juicy, based upon the title alone. And if you have followed me, if you've been following me on Instagram, you have probably seen a familiar face in my stories this past week about Latin Poppy and I let people know he came back. So between that and me posting a video, naturally my DMs have been going absolutely insane. People have been like, oh my gosh, what he's back. Wait, wait, wait.
Speaker 1:Didn't you just do a whole episode about how he broke up with you or what's happening right now? The plot twist, why would you go back to him? So many different questions. Lots of people are confused, shocked. Some people are elated at this new discovery.
Speaker 1:Some people said you know we missed him and so I'm going to use this podcast to talk about, like, how we came back together. And I'm putting together in quotes and you're going to see why later on, when I talk about this, my clients, like they're they've been known. Like I've talked, I've been talking about the process from the moment like he broke up with me to us reconnecting with them. So they're definitely hip, but this is for pretty much everyone else so we can all get on board. And so if you haven't listened or you are not aware of how we broke up, go back to the episode of how I'm healing through my breakup and lessons learned. Catch up there first and then come back to this episode, because we ended there at him ending things abruptly and since the breakup we haven't we hadn't really had conversations past logistics of the home that I'm staying in, because, again, latin poppy is the reason why I'm in my current home, and so I would just receive emails around logistics from him, nothing relationally, nothing even like really emotionally connected, and that was his way of, I guess, his own boundary, so he wouldn't want to try to reconnect with me.
Speaker 1:And, as you know, like the reason why we had the breakup was because of the religious chaos or the religious beliefs that he has. Like, he has a lot of spiritual unrest because of his strict religious upbringing. And it's so interesting because when we first met we deeply connected over religion, not because we believe the same now, but because I grew up in the same religion or the same line of thinking and beliefs that he did, and it is very different from the traditional Christ following way or how people typically are seen executing in their religion. So pretty much we, we we kind of came up in this like Messianic Jewish, that people would probably refer to me as a Hebrew Israelite If they, if they um, like analyze the religion. Like we both kept Shabbat, friday, sunday I mean Friday with the sun going down, to Saturday with the sun going down. We also kept, like the feast days, the holy days, like Pesach, passover, atonement, sukkot, you know, atonement Yom Kippur, like that's how we came up, and so, therefore, the Old Testament was something that we pretty much had to memorize, like the laws of the Torah, which is where my name comes from. So it was extremely law based, especially like for me growing up, which is why I'm like, oh, I can't go back to that. It made me so old and oppressed and it was just wild, but that's something that he still had, it he wasn't able to shake in the way that I had. So when we did first connect and meet each other again, I'm going through a whole spill. That has nothing. That. That's not about the breakup right now or the reunion, it's just more so like the backstory of the religious conditioning and why we broke up. We really connected on the religious piece because of our upbringing, but he just wasn't able to really shake his and it still had a hold on him that this is the way you need to be living and you need to follow all of these rules. And if you're not following these rules, you're not of God. And so back to how we connected or reconnected the conversation. The emails that I would be receiving from him switch from logistics.
Speaker 1:And then one day I received an apology out of nowhere, and it was an apology just stating like he's feels terrible about how things went down and he's really sad about it. And to not go into detail about I mean, it was a long apology but it still didn't make room for repair. So I practically ignored it, and by ignore I just said thank you for sharing. I didn't acknowledge it with any like comforting words or like thank you so much and the you know, I'm glad you finally see the light. I just left him with one like a few words, like thank you for sending type of thing, because I'm like, okay, I don't even know if this man is taking responsibility for the breakup, so I'm not even really about to entertain this too much. And then he sent two more emails after that, requesting saying that he would love to have lunch with me. And so by this time it was like he broke up with me in May.
Speaker 1:It was July when I received that email and I was like Tor, what do you want to do? Because you're already prepared to never speak to this man again, like you're prepared for that, and you also are very curious about meeting him for lunch. And so I'm like I know he's just not just trying to catch up. There's an agenda here and I want to know what it is specifically. And so I go, I meet him for lunch.
Speaker 1:The moment I see him pull up in that truck and he hops down and I look at him and I'm like and I look at him and I'm like already like, wow, I miss him. And it was extremely obvious that he missed me too. By the way, he was staring at me, he locked in on me and we could just tell that we really missed each other. And so we sit down and I can tell immediately that he's putting out feelers. He's just trying to gauge where I am emotionally, trying to see if there's still some openness there. You know he's cracking some jokes, he's complimenting me. He's trying to see if the door is cracked or if it's completely sealed shut.
Speaker 1:And honestly, yeah, I did go into that lunch planning to like have my brick wall up. I was determined to give him coldness and be stone faced because at that time I was, I was in my ego a little bit. I was like you know, I'm going to make this man really really work for this. I'm going to make him really really earn warmth from me, comfort for me, emotional openness for me. I'm going to make him earn it. And but as I sat with him and the feels came in and he looks so good and the his storytelling skills are amazing and his ability to make you feel so like the most gorgeous, amazing person on earth. When he focuses attention on you, he's so naturally charismatic and funny and the Stonewall it just dropped. You know, I was like girl just enjoy this man, regardless of whether you see him again or not, was like girl just enjoy this man, regardless of whether you see him again or not again after this. Just enjoy him because it is enjoyable. So I just let everything down and just allow myself to be present with how he was showing up, but at the same time, holding the line of what I was willing to accept or not accept after the lunch was over.
Speaker 1:And so during the lunch he starts talking about what the time apart has been like for him. He tells me, you know, he grabs my hand, he holds it between the palm of his hand and he's like I really hate what I did to you and at the time I was completely convinced it was the right thing to do. I thought I was serving God by ending things like that. You know, he started quoting scriptures like cut off your right eye, like cut out your right eye, just scriptures he was naming about, you know, choosing God over everybody else. And because I had a different belief system than him, then I was quote, unquote the enemy.
Speaker 1:And so he goes on to tell me that after we broke up, like he threw himself into religion harder than ever, like he crashed the hell out, like he was fasting every day. I think he fasted like for a whole week, praying consistently, following every single rule he can think of. He read the Bible from cover to cover, like twice, and he really believed that if he just tried harder to be the man of God that he thought he was supposed to be, then he would find peace with this decision of letting me go. But here's what happened. Instead All of that throwing himself into religion and trying to follow all the rules, he got even more confused and it left him completely empty. And he said he felt like he was trying to hold himself up to the standard that he thought God was calling him to, but he couldn't do it. And the harder that he tried, the more exhausted and disconnected he felt.
Speaker 1:And then he said something that really caught me off guard. He said the more time I spent trying to serve God in this way, the more I realized that you actually exemplify Christ more than anybody I know, and I've been so focused on the fact that your religious beliefs don't match mine exactly that I completely missed how you actually live out the love of Christ and you show it in how you treat people and how you treat me and how you handle conflict and how you carry yourself through life. And I'm just sitting there like like duh, like you're. You're looking for rules to prove that I'm in alignment, versus like looking at my lifestyle, and it's the same thing that I tell my clients. My clients are like I want a man of God, I want a Christian and I'm like you want a label or do you want a lifestyle? Because all of these men that came to you with these labels pretty much paid you dust, pretty much played over you because you were not looking at lifestyle. You're so busy looking at labels and not lifestyle and values.
Speaker 1:And that's the same thing that happened with Latin poppy is he was so concerned about me not agreeing or matching his belief system or me pulling away from the belief system that I came up with that he could, like he disregarded that my lifestyle is Christ like, and I could also see and appreciate him having that moment of clarity with himself, even though I already knew, you know about who I am as a woman, and also like what I bring or what I contribute to the relationship. But here's the most important part of this story is that just because he came back with an apology or a moment of insight or his charm and his compliments or or even a complete change of heart, that doesn't mean that I was ready to open the door wide open and go back to where we were. That's definitely not what happened here, and I think this is where people are getting confused. They're seeing him in my stories. They're seeing the trips and adventures.
Speaker 1:Well, if you're a subscriber of mine, you've been seeing a lot more of Latin Poppy. I haven't really been public, uh, posting a lot of him publicly. But if you have actually subscribed to my Instagram and joined the Lover Girl Lab broadcast channel, I have been posting to my subscribers behind the scenes of Latin Poppy, you know. You know just doing things and showing up as he is, like he even was on there lip syncing to Usher in my subscriber stories. But I've been, I've been posting him and people are getting confused and they're assuming that, oh, like, she just went back to him, she just took him back, and I really want to clarify what all of this is looking like, because what many people think this is, it's just not my reality at all and it's definitely not how I'm handling this.
Speaker 1:And so now, before I go any further, a part of how I'm handling this whole situation is just being real about the reactions that I'm getting, because some of you love me like a big sister, right, y'all don't know me in real life. Most of y'all don't know me in real life. Y'all know me from the internet, right? But because of how I show up and because of how I interact with a lot of you. You love me like a big sister and when you listen to my podcast and you heard and saw how I was hurt, your protective instincts kicked in and you're like, oh hell, no, he hurt my girl Tori. Now she's letting him back in and I understand that reaction and I appreciate that it comes from love.
Speaker 1:I even had one queen. She logged into three of her accounts. She has three different accounts. She has a personal account, a business account, ceo account, and she literally logged into all the accounts and through tomatoes, replying to my stories about Latin poppy. It was like boo sending tomato emojis. So I get it. I definitely understand.
Speaker 1:But then there are others who reacted differently, like a lot of people were like, oh, I'm actually happy that he's back. I missed him. I think it's worth it for him to have a chance. And then there were others who really like Big Body Benz, the other guy that I'm currently seeing, that I mentioned in my why Am I Not Going exclusive podcast as well. It was between him and Latin Poppy, like that's their favorite, that's. I call them the BBB hive Big Body Benz hive because they act just like a Beyonce fan. They be caping for Big Body Benz, be praying and fasting. That's the person I choose, which is so funny. They don't want any competition for him. And it's funny because I already said I'm not going to marry these men. I already said that they're not in alignment. I'm like why are y'all still fighting for these men? I'm not going to be with them. There's no final role ceremony happening.
Speaker 1:But what I want everyone to understand, regardless of whether you slid in my DMs or not, regardless of if you had a visceral reaction or not, when I sat across from Latin Papi at that lunch and I listened to what he had to say, I made it very clear that if we were going to have any connection, any kind of connection moving forward, it would be about repairing our friendship, not getting back into a relationship, not us starting from where we left off, at where I was vetting him for marriage, because, when we were at lunch, because basically he let me know that, hey, I'm actually interested in pursuing you back as a wife, because I realized that I effed up and I was all wrong about religion, like I'm questioning everything about religion and I'm realizing that I didn't need to have like that, me needing to have the last word, with you, me needing to be the head where you know, I dominated the household. That came from religion, that came from how I interpreted religion and I no longer see that way. He was like you're the. You're one of the few people, especially women, who actually challenged me in my life and I remember just feeling so um bland, without your perspectives and in the way you would challenge me regularly. He was like what? Like I don't want a woman I can dominate, I want, I want Simone. You know I want her and you know I told him straight up. I was like your spot. You know you don't have your spot and I'm still. I'm dating other men. I'm meeting new men and dating them too. I am not in a position to allow you to have that spot yet. And if we do reconnect, it's going to be within a certain container and there needs to be a repair plan in place. Number one, so that we're not slipping back into the same dynamic that we had before, because I'm unavailable for that. And number two, so that there can be healing.
Speaker 1:And for most people, going back to an ex means, you know, putting their attention on them, cutting off other options, putting all your energy into that one person again and basically just picking up where you left off. But that ain't me. I operate very, very differently and I think that's why another reason why a lot of people are like up in arms, because they're seeing my choices in the lens of their perspective or their lens of how they do things. And so also, naturally, the question. There's a question that becomes you know why, torah, why are you even open to this? Why am I even handling it this way, instead of just shutting the door completely? And I think that's a fair question. I do.
Speaker 1:And there were also people who would, who sent me DMs and they were like, yeah, I just I can't ever see him the same way I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna cringe when I watch your stories. I think that's very interesting, especially like somebody you don't know, like you just have perception based upon what I, what I show you on the internet, or or based upon your own limited perspective on the internet, or are based upon your own limited perspective. And even someone was like he's controlling and I'm like is he controlling over himself? Like does he need to be in control over himself because of the religion? Absolutely, is he controlling to me?
Speaker 1:No, I have never experienced the amount of freedom with anybody and I mean this when I say it with my whole chest I've never experienced the amount of freedom with anybody and I mean this when I say it with my whole chest I've never experienced this level of freedom with anybody than I have with Latin Papi his ability to allow me to just be wild and in question, right, even though he's like, hey, we get married, like I don't need to have the last word, but it was always in the realm of like you get to be wild, you get to be you. I love this about you. I'm not even going to like everything about you. I appreciate, and so that's one of the reasons why my inner child was healed was because his level of acceptance for who I was and his, his level of openness to my choices and how I show up in the world and it's been absolutely amazing. So it's a it's.
Speaker 1:It always feels like a weird take when people are like he's controlling, I'm like, oh, that's such a weird take. But we also have years under our belt of connection like this this is the same man that put me in a home for a year and paid all my bills. This is the same man who made sure I have the place that I have now. This is the same man who would make sure my mom was taken care of, make sure that my son was taken care of, like when my son needed things he made sure that he was there. I remember my son getting in a bad car accident and he had burns and the car like he messed up something on car and soon, like I texted Latin Poppy, like at midnight that man was at my house, 530 in the morning, checking up on checking on Vaughn and under the car, figuring out what happened. He even bought Vaughn a first aid kit first aid kit and then he also bought him gloves to like handle the next time when there's something going on. And you know cause, vaugh bomb basically touched something on the car he shouldn't have when he was in the accident. He even bought him like gloves and showed him how to handle things. It was five, 30 in the morning.
Speaker 1:This is the the same man that held me when I cried about, like, the separation from my marriage and like quoted scriptures for me to comfort me and to soothe me. This is the same man who allowed me to just make requests and him showing up to honor those requests. This is the same man who would come over just to make sure my air was clean in my house. He would come and sniff and he, like you know, this air doesn't smell too clean, meaning that the air, like the filter, needed to be changed, and he'd be like this water filter needs to be changed, like the air feels clouded. I think we need to change to filter in the house.
Speaker 1:This is a man who has been through a lot with me, a lot of my transformation and my evolution, and he supported me through every stage and even has let me know all the pieces where he's inspired by and how he feels challenged by and how he wants to change. So, yeah, we have that, we have that and I think a lot of people, you know, they want things to look a certain kind of way and I'm like we have that. And so, outside of that religious wedge that turned, that manifested in other ways with him. Right, that religious wedge manifested in several different pain points, but that was the biggest pain point he has genuinely been an amazing friend to me and an incredible resource for me, and that this is the same man that invested thousands and thousands and thousands in my business.
Speaker 1:I remember when, like I like, my business was just like, just like. I didn't even know what was going to happen with it. He was like I got you, I'm supporting you, you never have to worry about anything. Like I got you. What do you need? Everybody, my clients know my assistant, michael Latin Poppy, hired. Michael Latin Poppy was the one who put down the $3,000 to bring Michael on when I didn't have the cash to do so, and everyone loves Michael, so that kind of history and support isn't something that I need to throw away just to prove a point to him, to me, to the internet, and I also know myself well enough that I can enjoy someone's company without it costing my peace as well. I'm very good at that and the key to that is being very realistic about what works and what doesn't work between us.
Speaker 1:And also, I have to say I just have to say this is no shade, but I have to say this Latin poppy is not like a lot of people's exes, especially those who are coming for me in my DMs. A lot of people's exes are exes because they were not good men, because they were not showing up, because they were playing in your face. They were not considerate like they were disrespectful or unreliable or harmful in some way. That's not Latin poppy. Please don't get it twisted. Please don't get it confused with your ex. Latin poppy was up for marriage. He was up. If it wasn't for the piece of him needing if, my yes being a threat, he was up for marriage, right, he was one of the contenders, and so these are qualities where he cannot even be compared to your ex. And so that's another reason of why I'm handling this the way that I am, another reason of why I'm handling the way I'm handling this the way that I am Now when I say I'm being realistic about what works and what doesn't between us.
Speaker 1:As a very specific pattern, about the religion, the cycle, everything goes great until he starts the cycle where these religious differences surface and are made a problem, and it's not just a difference of opinion or preference for him, it's a fundamental clash about how the belief should be in order for us to be right with God, how the relationship should be structured in order for us to be right with God, and what roles each person needs to play to be right with God. And like, we disagree fundamentally, and so, as you know, as I've mentioned in the podcast of us breaking up as well as why I didn't choose neither him or Big Body Vince for exclusivity His faith came with very specific expectations about gender roles if we were to be married, decision making if we were to be married, and how our relationship should function, and those expectations. They don't align with who I am or how I operate in the world. So what would happen is like we'd have these amazing dates, amazing connection, deep intellectual conversation, incredible chemistry. So good it's always been good with him and then the religious framework. It would just rear its ugly head. It would create so much conflict and if you've been listening to my podcast episodes over the over the couple years like, you would hear it come up every now and again Um, so we'd have the good times and then the religious chaos, and so again, this doesn't make him a bad person, it's just. It makes him fundamentally incompatible with me. And so, with that mindset appreciating what works while being realistic about what doesn't here's the structure that I've put into place. So, now that we are back in connection, I'm not just winging it and hoping for the best.
Speaker 1:A lot of people, they either go two ways. They want to spend the block with their ex. The ex come back and they're like oh hell, no, I'm not blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Or they just fully just accepting like, oh, you know, he came back, I miss him, he's changed, let's start over. I'm doing neither of these.
Speaker 1:First, there's a repair plan that's put into place, and that's something that I communicated with him. I'm like hey, your I misuse don't mean anything. Your, I want to pursue you again for marriage Don't mean anything to me. The the only thing I really care about is you making repair with me, because you deeply destroyed trust between you and I when you did what you did, and so there has to be repair put into place and we need, like, you can come up with your part of the repair plan and then I can agree to that. And if I don't agree to that, like I'm definitely adding my own additions to the repair plan. So there's several elements of the repair plan that we have in order for us to stay in connection.
Speaker 1:First, he gets access, but very limited access. This man me and this man used to see each other like three to four times a week. We used to talk every day and we would see each other for three to four times a week. Now he gets one week in a month. Now he gets one week in a month. That's it. There's no throughout the week hangouts, there's no daily conversations, like we're not sliding back into daily contact, and sometimes I might add a lunch or two. I have added a lunch or two, but that's like completely at my discretion, not an expectation, because even though I said you know what I'm not going to do like he'll ask. He was like hey, are you available for lunch? And I'll either say no or yeah, you know, are you available for that? And so he gets one weekend a month. He's already had two weekends with me.
Speaker 1:The first weekend he took me oh, it was an amazing trip to Oklahoma. He knows I love nature and the outdoors and, oh man, he got me this really nice cabin that had like a jacuzzi and he cooked me steak. I love his steak, his steak is amazing. We went swimming and fishing and hiking. It was just such a great experience. And then this last weekend I posted a lot of it to my subscribers where he booked me a spot in the city and then he took me to the Titanic exhibit here in Dallas. Because he knows that I'm low-key obsessed with Titanic and I have been since I was a kid, reading all the books and watching all the movies and doing all the research on it. He took me to that exhibit. He surprised me with the tickets. He took me to the art museum. We had really nice dinners, really nice brunches. We went to a cigar lounge that was really nice. We went hiking. It was, it was oh, and he got me like us massages. It was so good. So he worked the hell out of his one weekend a month. He's always been a great at planning, so he got his. He gets his one weekend a month with me and I get to enjoy that.
Speaker 1:Secondly, there's no future planning. When we were together before the breakup, we would consistently have conversations about marriage and like, okay, when we're together, we're going to do this. And if we were to get married, who would move into whose house? I mean with mean, what house would we move into? Because there were several options. How would we go about navigating our mornings? And what about church? Blah, blah, blah, blah. We would always have these conversations about marriage, moving in together or making any long-term commitments, even like the money. We talked about couples therapy. We're not talking about no future. It's not allowed. You know, we're not planning trips six months from now. We're on a month by month basis. We're not talking about what our life could look like together. That is off the table. This is not a test run for getting back together. This is a repair of a friendship.
Speaker 1:Third, of course, I keep my roster active, adding new members all the time. So I'm currently I'm dating other men. I'm dating other men. I'm meeting new people. I just added a new guy to my roster. I just think he's so handsome. I posted him in my subscriber channel. I was like, oh, I got me a beautiful, like a handsome, nerdy teddy bear for cuffing season. He's already added so much value to my life and I'm excited for the next time that we meet up. And this is crucial because it keeps me wide open. It keeps like me having this roster, like I'm able to meet new men who could qualify to be my husband right, while still dating men who are not going to be my husband. It just feels really, really good and it keeps my perspective wide and and um, it just allows me to just have the freedom.
Speaker 1:And then fourth part of this repairment plan and how things look, is that and this is a non-negotiable it's like he has to be in therapy. He has to be in therapy. I don't know if I shared this with y'all on the breakup episode, but that man blocked his therapist his Christian therapist because he felt like he wasn't leading him closer to God. He was like I just felt like he was wanting me to be happy. He was leading, trying to tell me to go after my happiness with you, and I felt like God doesn't want me to be happy. God wants me to serve him. And I'm like, oh my gosh, you blocked the therapist, did you really? So I told him. I was like, look, if you want to be in connection with me, you need to go get you another therapist. You need to do something. I talked to Catherine, catherine's brother, my life coach, catherine. She, her brother, is a therapist and, um, so he's reached out to him, catherine's brother, we're going to see how that ends.
Speaker 1:But the thing is, the therapy can't be about me, like I can't be the focus of the conversation, because with the other therapists I would always come up like the therapy was about our relationship. But his therapy has to focus completely on him. I don't. I don't want this like the relationship to ever come up about me and him like it can come up if it's relevant, but it needs to just be about him and his beliefs and his patterns and the things that get in his way of having the kind of relationship he says he wants, regardless of like if it's with me or somebody else. Right, because what he used to do is he used to go to therapy to talk about me and that's basically couples therapy without me in the room and it doesn't work. It's still making the relationship the focus instead of his own growth and accountability.
Speaker 1:And then, finally, a part of the repair plan is like my emotional boundaries. You know I'm not engaging with him, hoping that this time will be different. I'm not looking for signs that he's changed or testing whether the old problems are still there. I'm engaging with him exactly as he is now, knowing what his limitations are and being completely okay with that, not making that a problem. And that's exactly how I'm handling this situation with the repair plan, with the clear structure that allows me to enjoy what works between us without reopening the door to what doesn't work.
Speaker 1:And so, on a weekly basis, he updates me on, like the books that he's reading. I think he has this book called letting go. It was a book about surrender because he likes control, right. So he he updates me on those experiences and also, like you know the therapy but like I require like updates in order for us to be in connection. I remember he sent me a text. He was like, are you open to meet for lunch this week? And I was like, did you provide me an update? Do I have an update for you? Like we want to go to lunch but we don't. We don't have updates about the situation.
Speaker 1:So and I know some of you are listening to this and you're thinking about your own personal situations Maybe you got an ex who's reached out or someone from your past he's trying to reconnect and you might be trying to figure it out. I always get the question all the time that, oh, what are your thoughts about spinning the block? What are your thoughts about like your ex coming back, or like, how should you handle that? Thoughts about spinning the block, what are your thoughts about like your ex coming back or like, how should you handle that? Should you do that? And I just want to share some lessons that you can like get from my situation, that I want to pass down to you so you can make your own decisions and then also like be very clear headed about it.
Speaker 1:Lesson one I want to share with you is repair is not reconciliation, and understanding this difference will save your time. It will save your energy. Repair means seeing if a connection can exist in a healthier, more limited form without the same expectations or access. Reconciliation means trying to restore the relationship to exactly what it was before, with the same roles, the same access, the same hopes. These are completely different things, and if you confuse them, you're going to set yourself up for disappointment every single time. Most people think repair means working toward getting back together, but that's reconciliation. Thinking and repair is about enjoying what works while protecting yourself from what doesn't. It's about creating something new and not rebuilding something old, and that's what I'm doing with Latin Poppy right now. The focus is repair and not reconciliation. It's not for us to get back together. It's us to repair the friendship connection that we have while enjoying it in the process. I know he has an agenda, I don't though. All right, I'm very clear on that.
Speaker 1:Lesson two is trust the pattern, not the person. I keep saying this in my podcast episodes. Right, I've said it in episodes about my ex-husband. I've said it in episodes about my ex-husband. I've said it when Latin Poppy broke up with me Trust the pattern, not the person. This will keep you out of fantasy, girl. When you can trust the pattern, you're not sitting around waiting for someone to fail or hoping they mess up so you can say, oh man, I knew it, I knew it. You simply just acknowledge what has been consistent over time and plan your life accordingly. That's why I'm like I already am clear of this man's pattern. Now he can clean up the pattern if he intentionally does the work and he's committed to his own work. But if he's not committed to his own work, I will not be shocked if this religious chaos comes back. If he makes another strong religious decision that leads me, leads him to pushing me away, I won't be shocked.
Speaker 1:All right, people might say Tori, he did it again. You know, you should have known. Like girl duh, I'm not clueless. I am very clear on what I'm doing here. The key thing here is I'm grounded in reality instead of living in a fantasy about who he could be like this, who this person could become or how different things might be. This time I'm not in fantasy. I know that if he does the work, he will change and transform, because I've seen it in myself, and I also know if he's faking this work, it's a good chance that if he's faking a work, I'm going to see the pattern.
Speaker 1:And when you trust the pattern, though, you can actually enjoy the person without unrealistic expectations. You're not constantly looking for signs that this person has changed or hoping that the fundamental incompatibilities have magically disappeared and you can appreciate them for who they are right now, knowing exactly what their limitations are, and to me, this makes the connection more enjoyable, because you're not carrying the emotional way of hoping for something that may be unlikely to happen. You stay present instead of getting lost in what if? Scenarios. That's why I was able to like walk around with this man holding his hand and enjoying him at the museums and the exhibit and on the hike, and just, really just being present with him, and I enjoyed I've been enjoying this man so much and I don't have the unrealistic expectation of just present with how he's showing up for me, not hoping that he changes.
Speaker 1:Lesson three boundaries are your best friend, girl, and once you understand this, everything changes. Most people think of boundaries, you know, as being harsh or cutting people off. I got boundaries, I'm cutting you completely off, like boundaries are actually the thing that allows you to have connections without losing yourself. It's not about cutting people off, it's not about being harsh. It's about how. What am I available for and not available for, so that I can stay in connection, so I can have the connections that I want? So when I say he gets one weekend a month, that boundary, that boundary is my connection piece, my actual piece, p-e-a-c-e, my energy and my ability to stay clear, headed about the situation, that one week in a month, it is what allows me to enjoy his company without slipping back into old patterns. Without that boundary, you know, I probably have to cut them off completely or risk getting back into fantasy land right now.
Speaker 1:Another thing we don't do is he's not allowed to spend time at my house. I don't spend time. I don't go to his house, right? We're not. That's off the table for this repairment plan. We're also not allowed to go to each other's family friend functions. We have to meet on neutral ground. It has to be a neutral place for us to connect.
Speaker 1:I do, like that's the repair plan put in place. Like you have to earn that level of access, that level of intimacy where I'm in your home or you're in my home. I told him because he wanted to come in my house. I was like this is my sacred place. You're not allowed to come and ruin that for me. He was like well, you know I want you to come to my house, I'm not going there either. Like that is a place I don't feel safe in. I don't feel safe in because, like currently, you are running a pattern where that's not safe. So I'm not going to acclimate yourself to my space knowing that me and you could bump heads again and then I would be removed from that space. So absolutely not. Same thing with your family, because you know I love your family, you know I love them right, know I love them Right and I was cut off from them. So I don't want to be put in a position where I'm reunited with them and stripped away again. So this is how this is going to be very neutral.
Speaker 1:And he is like when you set a boundary and you stick to it, it like really builds your confidence in yourself Every time, like I'm able to honor how I show up with him like I'm proving to myself that I can be trusted to protect my own interest right. Boundaries are always working in your favor, even when it doesn't feel comfortable in the moment. And then, lesson four keep your dating options open. I don't care if that man spins the block and he just pitches you the most amazing relationship, girl. Keep your dating options open. It will keep your perspective and maintain your freedom, because when you can continue seeing other people, you keep your emotional world balanced, instead of putting all your energy into one person, especially somebody from your past who made a plate in your face. This is so important because it's so easy to slip back into old attachment patterns when someone familiar comes back into your life. But having other connections, it keeps your perspective fresh and reminds you that you have options, you have choices. It helps you stay present with what actually happened instead of getting lost in nostalgia or hope about what could be. Latin poppy knows right now like there's other people in the mix. He understands that he, and that's even more. That's even more motivation for him to get disciplined, even more motivation for him to get his act together Right.
Speaker 1:When you're actively dating other people. You're consistently reminding of your own worth and what's available to you, because you're not sitting around waiting for one person to decide your romantic fate. Could you imagine if I had chosen Latin poppy for exclusivity and I wasn't open to dating others? What that? How much more crazy that would have been for me. It would have been wild if he was the only one I've been dating for the past 12 months. Crazy work, right. He had to earn that exclusivity. He just came up short. And this is not about, like you know, we're not playing games here. You know you're maintaining your emotional independence and keeping your options open until someone actually truly earns that exclusivity with you. Okay, you're staying in your power as someone who's choosing, not just waiting to be chosen.
Speaker 1:And then lesson five sometimes the answer is just because I want to. And that's reason enough, because people have been asking me well, tora, if you don't want to be with him long term, why are you still dating him, tora, if he's not being considered for exclusivity? If you don't want him, why are you entertaining him? And the answer is simple it's because I want to. It literally. Is that simple when our brains like to always create an answer for something. It always needs to find a justification for something.
Speaker 1:When things don't make sense, okay, and when things don't make sense to people, they create complicated stories to try to understand it. Oh, that's unnecessary girl Cause, the truth is not that deep. The truth is I want to and I'll stop when I'm ready to stop. I'll stop when I'm tired of this dynamic. When I'm tired, I'll be tired, and when I'm done, I'll be completely done with him. Until then, Until then, I'm not done and I need to be okay with that. And I always, like my clients will never, they will tell you, I will never tell them to stop talking to a guy. I will get, I will point out flags, I will point out misalignments, but I will never tell them to leave a guy alone. I would be like, oh, you're not done with him, you're not done, I can tell. But when you're done with him, you'll know It'll be a clean break, you won't have to overthink the decision, it'll be clean for you.
Speaker 1:And what I've learned is that a lot of us, especially as high achieving women of faith like we, love to judge ourselves for our choices because they don't match the quote unquote appropriate decision we think we should be making when it comes to love. We let other people's opinions and their comfort levels dictate how we move through our own lives, but I'm a grown ass woman and I'm a single ass woman and I get to decide who I spend my time with, how I spend it and for how long, and the only person who needs I spend my time with how I spend it and for how long, and the only person who needs to understand my choices is me. Last but not least, lesson six you have freedom. You have complete freedom to date and connect however you want and this is revolutionary for a lot of women, especially as high achieving women of faith. There's no rule book that says you can only date someone if they're your end game or if you can clearly you know see clear marriage potential. You have the freedom to create whatever connection works for you for as long as they add value to your life, and other people might not agree with your choices. You might not understand them, they might not ever make the same decisions themselves, but their comfort level is not the standard for your decisions, and you don't need permission from your friends, your family or strangers on the internet to connect with someone in a way that feels right for you and this freedom to create your own dating rules based on what actually works for your life, not what looks good or right to other people. It's one of the most powerful things you can embrace as a single woman.
Speaker 1:And here's something I want to add is the ego. You know I talked earlier about how my ego like had this wall up. But ego can cause us to miss out on opportunities like this, where you get to be loved on for a week and other month and come back feeling relaxed and rejuvenated and ready to make some money. And sometimes we get so focused on our hurt or wanting revenge or needing to prove a point that we close ourselves off to connections that could actually add real, true value to our lives. We think being strong means cutting everyone off completely, but sometimes strength is having the discernment to know what serves you and what doesn't.
Speaker 1:When I posted Latin Poppy this week, I've actually had people slide into my DMs thanking me for sharing this part of my life and this choice, because it showed them how black and white they were being in their own thinking and they realized that their egos was causing them to miss out on potentially good connections from the past because they thought everything had to be all or nothing. But life isn't all or nothing. It isn't that simple, and dating doesn't have to be that rigid either. So, girl, that is how I'm handling this whole situation with my ex. I call him the prodigal boyfriend Coming back. We're in friendship repair mode. The access is limited, the boundaries are firm, the therapy requirement is non-negotiable, and I'm still dating other men and I'm still adding men to my roster and I'm still open to meeting someone new, ooh, and I'm still protecting my peace above everything else. I put myself first before everybody.
Speaker 1:Ooh, if someone from your past comes back into your life, here's what I want you to ask yourself Does this person add value? Do they, do I have the structure, the emotional discipline, the clarity and joy to enjoy what they bring, without giving them the same role they once had? If the answer is no, then you're probably not ready for a repair. You know you might be setting yourself up for a repeat of the same situation, right, so you want to think about that. But if you can honestly say yes and then you can trust yourself to hold your boundaries and engage in your terms, then repair can actually be a beautiful thing. It could be a beautiful spiritual practice that leads you deeper to yourself and that connects you to the creator within yourself. You know, just make sure that you're the one holding the blueprint.
Speaker 1:All right, queen, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you loved it, let me know in my DMs. Tell me what you think about it. Tell me, give me a takeaway. Also, you know, write a review on the podcast. It's been weeks since I've seen a review on the podcast. That's been weird, but also I haven't been asking for them. So this um podcast was resonant. Chop chopper review we've been stuck at the same amount of reviews for weeks. Go ahead and update, update that and um also. The c2c launch is coming. It's coming soon, so be on the lookout. Join the wait list. It's going to be in the show notes until next time, bye.